It's heartbreaking, frustrating and oh so damaging to our already fragile self-esteem.
This pattern, this cycle so many of us find ourselves in unable to break free of the cycle of attracting – and being attracted to emotionally unavailable men in our lives.
What keeps us going there?
Why can't we seem to see the warning signs – and heed them?
There's always something deeper, something more, that keeps us holding on and hanging on.
We've talked about the why so many times here before.
Most of us know in our minds that we're attracted to this type of man because of who and what they represent to us, usually someone reminiscent of our fathers or mothers or some combination of both.
But even with all this knowledge, we still struggle with actually doing something about it. With connecting the knowledge of our heads with our hearts and refusing to buy into the belief that "just one more time" or "just a little longer", and it will all be different this time around.
We want to believe we can be the difference for him! We can see it so clearly. He's so close if only this one tiny little area were different – his inability to be emotionally available to us, usually coupled with his inability to commit to us. But that one little thing becomes everything when it comes to moving forward instead of staying stuck right where we are.
Can you live with it this way?
Oh how we try to convince ourselves we can for a long, long time!
But I've got some great news for you! All you need to do is be open to seeing something different than what you've seen before, and eventually, a process begins that is different for everyone, but will be exactly what you need.
Somehow, somewhere along the way you'll be given every opportunity to see the reality of what's really going on and break free of this hold this type of person has on you once and for all. You'll be met right where you are, with the first stage of breaking free.
The first stage of breaking free.
It begins with recognition that something doesn't feel right. That's how you found your way here, after all. You recognized some kind of treatment of you, some kind of behavior on his part that didn't feel right or how love is supposed to feel. On some level you know there's got to be something more than this and it's what motivated you to question, to try to find out why, to understand, so that you can figure out what to do.
And now here you are.
You're seeing it, recognizing it – reaching out to me or someone else to help you sort through it - and you're beginning to ask yourself the tough questions of "why" that help you to see yourself in a whole new light.
Why, exactly!
It's not going to happen overnight, but slowly, beginning with this first step, this is how you're going to get from here to there.
The second stage of breaking free.
It culminates in an awareness that you deserve more than this. You see, the more that you allow yourself to do what you need to do where he's concerned, the more you chase him, the more you pursue him, the more you go back to him for "one more chance". The more you allow yourself to see what's really there. It's not to be fought or to beat yourself up over; it's to realize it's all part of the process. How else would you see it more clearly?
It's how it happens. It's why the only rules you need to follow are your own that you can live with.
This is how you start to see it for what it really is. This treatment of you, this lack of loving behaviors that you're starting to see so much more clearly for what they are.
You're seeing what you put out there – and what you get back. You're getting his response – and lack of one. And so you stop excusing him as much. You're not believing everything he says like you used to. You're starting to question him. You're starting to need more than a fantasy you've built up in your own mind to qualify him on mere potential.
You're seeing that actions speak louder than words and you're not seeing the ones you need to see. You're beginning to detach enough to recognize that it's not as personal as you thought it was. That it's not about you being enough for him. That it's not about you trying to change him or show him why he should want to commit to you.
You're standing up stronger. You're recognizing your own power. Slowly, but surely, you're seeing you deserve more than this. But not without going through some two steps forward, one step back. Because, after all, you're human. And you're allowed to be!
The third stage of breaking free.
You begin to notice the way someone makes you feel and you get out quicker.
Either in the relationship you're in or when you meet someone who normally gets your heart racing, you're noticing more than just that "spark". You're beginning to understand what it means when you're the one doing the choosing.
You're realizing what matters and what doesn't. You're actually starting to believe that you're the prize and you're not here to be anyone's second choice or last priority. You're standing up and saying what you want and what you don’t – both to yourself, and to him.
You're not willing to put up with just any kind of behavior to avoid being lonely, and you're starting to see that you're actually better off alone than with someone who makes you feel like this.
The final stage of breaking free.
You see the same things that always happened but this time, you refuse to believe it can be different. You start noticing the ones who you didn't before. You can recognize it when he smiles at you in that way that only promises more empty promises and heartache along the way. Or when you start going down that path, you recognize the familiar feelings it's triggering in you and you choose to choose you and step away from that kind of fire you're not interested in playing with anymore.
You're worth more – and you get that this time. There's no more reason to go there because there's nothing there for you, and you're wise enough now to know that it's not what you can live with anymore and still love yourself and be true to who you really are. You can detach. You can let him be who he is, and take him or leave him.
But you have no desire to engage in something that means one thing to you and completely another thing to him.
It's called waking up. It's called living. It's called being free.
Are you seeing it? Is this resonating more with you? Don't beat yourself if you're not. Accept where you're at. I'd love to hear your story and where you're at in this process! Share it with us in the comments!
Thank you this has helped me so much! I have arrived at the final stage! And I could not articulate the back and forth and the disappointments, anger, frustration, but now I understand.
I had to see for myself that it was not going to be different, no matter the situation.
I have left the relationship with dignity, with knowledge and with RELIEF to know that I dodged a bullet. A life of misery and an emotional desert was awaiting me. Anxiety of never feeling safe to be vulnerable as knowing there was no one there to catch me. That false sense of security is so toxic.
I am now back to myself and have a power, a force in me that won’t let me go back. I’m done. Done. Done. And I can breathe again. Stay
Strong girls, cos you have more
Strength to offer yourself than these types of guys
Ever
Can !
So glad, Jess. Long time coming but when you're free, wow, you're free! ❤
I met this guy on a dating site. We connected. Until I found out by my own detective work and through his own give away’s that he had quit a few woman. I confronted him and he said it’s nothing. A few months after we made contact he came to see me. Long distance. And his phone kept ringing and ringing. Again I confronted him and he said I know him to well and he smiled. Anyway, 7 long years we kept in touch checking up on each other. I had some health issues at one point and when I told him about them he cried. There he was at FaceTime crying??!!
I did my battles alone but I grew with them.
During these 7 years he remembered my birthday and I find that fascinating.
So recently I sent a text to him -remember me? He replied straight away. So we talked and it seemed that the 7 years never existed.
The guy actually came clean with things I had no clue about and they hurt me so bad. I wanted to press the red button on the phone but a voice said stop,. Listen to him!
I did and it was not long after that I went to see him. 9 days, we had 9 days and it was amazing. For the first time I felt that he actually listen to what I had to say. He was amazed by me. He walked around on our last 3 days saying I’m a beautiful woman. It was on our first day it hit me. He really loves me!! I felt in my guts
and I still do.
Our last day was crazy. He’s gone quit, like a thinkingmode and yet keeps telling me I’m a beautiful woman.
Then I’m back home... he sends a text or so and then he’s gone. I react!!! Why now? Why again? And he’s doing the same thing as he’s done in the past. Goes silent.
This time I have no fear of another woman because I know I have his heart . So why is he acting like this!! ??
This time I’ve given myself a time limit and I am so proud of myself. I made it clear to him that there is a time limit. Just he doesn’t know when it’s up. I do,
I am worth so much more. I am the prize!
I read Julia's story from 2014... And her reaction is so typical on women
(I don't blame her at all). He breaks up with us and we think we have done something wrong only for acting accordingly with the situation. There is always the " Oh maybe he meant something else", "maybe he reached me out because he wanted us to go back", yet he never mentioned that in his e-mails". Please NEVER believe these kind of reach outs because they are not genuine. I personally think that it is a narcissistic pattern that some men use to keep you hooked. What they want is exactly make you believe that there are chances between both of you. As soon as you reply to them they got their ego boost. That is the reason why they keep texting although they are not interested in you.
2 weeks ago, I came home to my live in boyfriend of 2 years in the back yard. He told me he had packed all his stuff and he needed to leave. He moved in with his dad. He told me he was going through some issues that he needed to work out and I deserved better. I had NO warning, NONE. We made future plans and were intimate 2 days before. His friends and even his own family don't seem to understand. He had 2 boys from another marriage that I was close to and they are devastated.
He wants space and alone time. I didn't get a lot of closure and I have so many questions that he just isn't willing to answer. We work together in the same building. I haven't seen him yet.
I am holding onto anything I can. I am promising to change, do better, be there for him, etc. He is being very minimal and distant. I am devastated and just don't know what to do. I need some serious advice.
Give him that space right now, Amanda. You can't make him talk until he's ready. If there's something there worth selvaging, he'll be back. In the meantime, realize this kind of a drastic move is about him, not you. There's something bigger within himself he's fighting that he may not even know himself. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but don't panic. Anything worth having with him isn't going to come from you begging to change for him. If there were problems, you deserved the chance to talk through them rationally, calmly, the way you would have done with him. Don't jump ahead. Take it one day, one moment even right now, at a time. It's a shock, you're allowed to feel every one of your feelings. Calmly ask him to talk to you when he's ready and then give him that space to become ready. Don't take this on you!
True story! He is battling with things that he may not even know exists. If you love him give him the grace you would need if you had to retreat for some time out. Pausing is not a permanent thing even though it can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable and terrifying honestly, especially if you have abandonment issues due to a dad that didn’t know how badly you needed him.
This help me my first night after breaking up with a man that led me on for 14 years. I will keep reading everyday to help keep me away from this relationship. We started as an affair unfortunately and it continued to never changed for me in his life. Son came back from college and he became his best friend drinking buddy who he shared all our issues with complaints of my wishes for a commitment. I felt I was nothing more than weekend fling after 14 years.
He always talked about making me more a bigger part of his life but it was all words never any action. I'd wait and a year would go by another year would go by no change or real commitment.
I hope for him to come back and beg for me to stay. Best for me if he does not though, as hard as it will be. ??
Deborah,
I am right there with you. I actually haven't had the courage to finish my relationship yet but I am working up to it.
You have done the right thing. You know it, you can feel it. But you still hope, as I do, that deep down he really does want you and will come to his senses if you walk away.
For me, after more than a year of being his good friend (with benefits) which suited me at the start, I want more from him. More than he can give, I know that now. (although he did warn me early on, and I stupidly fell for him)
I also know , and this may be the problem, he is not a bad person. He is charming and funny and takes care of and looks after people in his life. (except me - one way street) He just does not want to settle into a relationship. It hurts, because I feel it is me he doesn't want to settle with, although I know he doesn't want to settle with anyone. He is not seeing, nor is interested in anyone else.
So I live in hope, but it doesn't work for me anymore. I know its time. Time to move on. I just haven't built up the courage yet. But I will, I am getting closer. Every hurt, or knock back, or lack of interest at my suggestion to meet up, brings me a step closer.
This is where we need to be strong. He always knows when I start to pull away. That's when he does little things to keep me. He knows it is always the little thoughtful things that keep me there. Big gestures are irrelevant to me.
So, I am going to back out slowly. Keep communication to a minimum, and leave it all to him. Let's see does he step up. I doubt it, but then I will have my answer.
And I am ready to deal with it. We are stronger than we know. We have to be. Stay strong.
I am trying to move on for more than 6 months after a 2 years relationship with my EU ex. He told me from the beginning that he was not looking for relationship and he gets scared if it gets too close. But I was not aware of EU men and at that time I just got out of an long term marriage so I accept it.
It was supposed to just for fun but somehow it developed and we were doing all the couple stuff, while he kept telling me that he didn't want to commit because he was in the middle of carrer changing. Everything was perfect except this hot/cold, we always had a good time together but then when we were apart, he wouldn't contact me for few days or a week. I felt I have no idea what's going with his life. each time he would had shut down if I wanted to talk about it and told me why can't I just leave him as he is. Then he broke up with me abruptly after a wonderful trip together (he initiated this trip).
There were no proper explanation of the breakup, he only said that he didn't want to keep hanging, while I couldn't understand since I had never pressured him into anything (except for a couple of months we were bf/gf after a talk, but he took it back later). Maybe he felt that I started to fall for him and I wanted more.
After the breakup, we didn't contact each other for more than 6 months. I went through a hard time but eventually I started focusing on myself, a new life and stopped dating but I still think about him wondering what had exactly happened, why he broke up then? I couldn't get those questions out of my mind and I thought I almost get over him, so it won't harm if I reached out for a closure.
So as I did a couple of weeks ago. Saying I am wondering how he's doing after all this time, and I am enjoying my new life. He replied that he's really happy for me and he is getting better at his new job. Then I asked him if we can meet up, no reply at all from him. Again I feel this frustration not knowing what he thinks. Why he replied if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then why can't he just give me a clear answer if we can meetup.
Somehow I feel that I need to have this talk (or see him for the last time) as a closure, but at the same time I think I am wasting time and my energy thinking about this. I feel I am going through the getting over him all over again. I was doing so well till now. Somehow I need to have this closure or a clear statement from him that it's over so I can finally move on. I am again confused and don't know what to do.
Closure does not come from other people. You give yourself closure. You cannot force any answers out of him. Leave him be. What you might want to try instead is asking yourself what it is that you truly need and why. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you, your patterns, your history, your subconscious beliefs. I know it sounds less than perfect, but we are the ones who carry our stories and ideas that we project onto others. That's our key. Why he did what he did does not change the fact that he's not the person you need. He's not compatible with you, he's unable to develop intimacy and he showed you and told you from the get go. Don't blame yourself, just focus on finding your own answers about yourself and figuring out why you would hold onto people who simply cannot hold on to you. He doesn't matter, believe it. He probably doesn't even know himself why he's unavailable. Most people don't question themselves much less face their own demons to defeat them.
Every person is responsible for themselves. It's not your fault you run into these people, but you do choose what to do and how to respond when you do. Use this experience to learn about yourself and to make decisions moving on that are more loving and respectful for yourself. Good luck.
I am so sorry you have to go through this! I went through something so similar, except my man lied and said he wanted a relationship. He acted amazing until he didn’t and then he ignored me much like the man you described. It breaks your heart open in a way that is unexplainable. I ended up seeing my man about 8 months later, it was nice to, but mostly for me. He wasn’t the man I originally met. Truth be told he really was never solidly that man. All the positive sayings, and the suggested self growth and reflecting is a positive, burn it doesn’t work until you get to the point where you truly believe you are worth more. That journey is a growing pain by far! I encourage you to never quit, see a therapist, Pray unceasingly! Again I am so sorry for your pain.
I read these posts and feel so much pain inside of me. I've been going through this for more than half my life with the same man. We reconnected many years later after he had been in my thoughts all those years, wondering where he was, who he was with. I was married but he was still the one I knew I should be with.
Then we reconnected after 20 years! It was as if we were never apart. I had found old letters he wrote to me and journals from the time we were together. Friends saying we would end up married, he was definitely my soulmate, and I thought I was his.
I realised even at that time that I was the one chasing him, compromising, waiting and accepting what was only breaking my heart. He was with other girls and I smiled like it didn't matter, but he told me that they didn't mean anything and how much he cared about me. Finally I left because it hurt so much, but we met again a year later.
Now after seeing him again I realise that I am still in love with him- I don't know how it will ever stop. He planned to come and see me, stay with me, we talked for hours on the phone, emails, texts, and then he was gone. No response to anything I sent him. Once again, no closure, no explanation. I am once again torn apart and wondering how I will ever stop this. He is so good at saying the right thing, playing the game and playing me. Now I'm sure he's with someone else and once again I don't matter to him. It's been three months now since I last heard from him.
I only wish I knew years ago that this was toxic and that I was headed for lifetime of pain and anguish by being in love with this man, but how do you stop feelings that are so real and genuine. When you know in your heart that he is the one even though he's not there. I wish I had the answers, but to all of these wonderful women who have and are experiencing this, we all know that these men will never give us what we want, no matter how much we beg, conform, give to them and cry, it will never work. They say the pain will stop and things get better with time, but I'm still waiting.
I am now 57 years old and I went through 4 years with a blow hot - blow cold EUD man. Till I got sick of the emotional roller coaster ride. I got sick of him having the only say in the relationship and shutting down when I wanted to talk to him about it. These EUM are emotional Vampires that have no emotional empathy and suck you dry of yours. After 4 years together in April, 2018, he broke up with an ambiguous Text Message!!! Which said “I can’t do this anymore”. WTF!!! He 63 years old and should know that is not appropriate!!! I went over his house and picked up my stuff the next day and I have not seen him since. I spent several months being hurt and analyzing everything about the his way or no way relationship. At the end and how it had really had been that way all along. The hurt changed to realization he is EUM and that no amount of my love will fill the void of his own selfishness and self loathing. Then out of the blue in November he sends me a text asking how I and my family are doing! He said was thinking of me and was wondering how I was doing .I replied with a terse I’m fine, everybody is doing well. The next day he sends me a message saying he honestly was just horny and missed the sex (which because of his ED and his unwillingness after to get treatment after Viagra and other meds did not work, was very one sided) and then called me a second later babbling about a motorcycle trip he took out West after we broke up. The whole time talking to him I’m thinking What fresh hell is this? What an asshole ass clown! I am so glad I’m done with you. I listen politely for a few minutes and ended the phone call. I chewed on it, the nerve of the EUM jerk! I sent him a text the next day that laid out just what I thought of his behavior and of course no reply back. The coward!!! Don’t expect any kind of explanation from an EUM, you won’t get it just more blow hot and cold mind games. I hurt bad initially, but I practiced No Communication with him and thought about all the my way or the highway relationship behavior and all the other crappy behaviors from him. I knew I was finally free when he called me and I didn’t even want to talk to him. You will get there!!! You deserve better and you feel wonderful and powerful when you are emotionally free from him!!!
Hi Joan ,
You r such remarkable woman to finally say these words " I love me more than I know " ., I m in love with same non emotional guy with hot and cold periods .. Just waiting to get enough courage to let it go sooner and face the alone period bravely ..
Jane you r an Angel really for the article
With love , Veena
Oh Veena, I'm so glad this helped. The courage is already in you, when you're ready to see it.
I stumbled across this today... my 9th attempt at goodbye.. and day 5 with no contact.
More than 6 years ago I met him. Within just a few weeks of feeling like I found my soulmate.. he told me that he was falling in love with me.... and followed it with... so we have to say goodbye. I just don't want this in my life right now. Huh? What had I done? So I did what any rational. independent woman would do... I gave him space to wait patiently for him to be ready for the commitment.
While I waited and dated no body else, he pursued every convenience store clerk, lonely neighbor and bar fly that came his way. I discovered after a while that he told all of his female friends that he loved them. How did I know? His 7 year old daughter told me... just blurted out... "My daddy has A LOT of lady friends... and he says I love you to ALL of them". I might add that this was while I was taking care of her... while he was working... AND while I was tidying up his house.
I now knew that I was no different. Hence goodbye number 1. That was 5 years ago.
The cycle goes like this... I get fed up, cry, demand that he let me go. He agrees that I am stressing him out and that we are "friends".. and that he is living "the dream".. and I am causing drama. So, we say goodbye. Then within a week (I admit that for the first few nights I blow him up with texts telling him exactly what I think of his games) he is texting me... I miss you... I need you... I LOVE you... and my favorite.. "I love you more than you know."
And there I am. Back in HIS good graces. Answering every text, every call within minutes, preparing resumes, attending school concerts, his loyal side kick.
Let me tell you... one Valentines day, he bartended a wedding. He came home with several baskets of flowers and gave them to me. I fell asleep before he did and he stayed up having a few drinks. The next morning I got up and the flowers were gone. Where did my flowers go? He gave them to the women next door.
Goodbye #6.
I love you.. more than you know.
Then the entire cycle starts all over again.
He tells me that I am crazy.. I respond, you have made me crazy.
He tells me he hates drama, I respond, then stop creating the drama.
How did I respond to Goodbye #6? I'm glad you asked.
I let him move in with me.
Yes. I did. Because we just had to have one more chance. We are building a life together he says. However, to his coworkers, he was staying with me until he found a new apartment and he had to find one FAST.
He would cuddle up in the night.. I would respond and he would roll over.. literally, and go to sleep. HUH? What is going on. Can you imagine being in this perpetual state of confusion? Its a living hell.
SO, finally, goodbye #7 in the fall of 2016. He told me... as I requested that he move out of my house, explaining that I cannot move on with my life with him sleeping in my bed (as that was his suggestion to my emotional pain, baby, you just have to move on with your life, I'm not relationship material)
He told me he was moving back to his hometown in Iowa. Sure you are... well he did.
And he called me every day.
Texted me every day.
Come see me babe. You will love it here.
Visions of us frolicking through the prairie. Yes! He finally gets it!!
Then no calls for 2 days, then 6 days.. he doesn't respond to my texts. I get a photo from INSIDE a porta potty. This is the truth. HUH?
He calls me whispering... I am hiding under a tarp waiting to scare my friends. HUH? Why are you calling me from under a tarp.
Why? A month after getting to Iowa he got into a RELATIONSHIP with a woman who was renting him a room... and they were now living together as a COUPLE.
Goodbye #8
And this one hurt. More than I can ever express. I literally felt my heart squeeze in my chest, like, physical pain. I couldn't breathe. Please.. I said to him.. panting to catch my breath.. PLEASE do not contact me again... PLEASE block my number.. do anything... but PLEASE LET ME GO.
Remember... there are 9 goodbyes.
January 2017.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
She's crazy.. he says. Her family is crazy. She is losing her house.. She was in a treatment center prior to meeting him for severe depression. Her family wants him OUT of her house. They will call the sheriff. Intervention.
SO...
I do his resume. I find him an apartment. I loan him the money for the apartment. I do his taxes. He loves me..
I send him a microwave. Yes. I did. He calls me. He loves me. We facetime. He tells me he is in Iowa and I am not and he needs a "release"... so he is seeing someone.
HUH?
I tell him I want to come see him. No, its not a good time yet.. then literally says.. why don't you come tomorrow?
So, the next morning I get on a plane and fly to Iowa. I rent a car. I drive to him. We have plans to spend the Saturday together. He invites a guy from his new job to come along. HUH?
While we are out he is checking his phone.. giggling like a teenage girl. Whats so funny I ask? A friend sent me something...
Me smiling... what... looking at the fine.. like... lets share the joke.
He says to me... scowling.. its none of your business.
I fly home. Tears for 3 hours. I cannot do it anymore. I quit. He wins.
He calls, come and see me again in April.
He loves me more than I know.
He cancels me coming in April.
Goodbye #9
I cannot live like this anymore. I have lost every good friend, the respect of my family, and my soul. I cannot smile, I feel ashamed and alone. What have I done? Am I INSANE? How did I let this happen AGAIN? and again and again.
And the realization hit me... because I loved him... and he is an emotionally unavailable man. He will not change. I have to change. He will not be married and dancing in the moonlight with someone else. He needs professional help. And if he does find happiness.. good for him.
After 3 hours of conversation last weekend, exchanging pictures... blah blah blah... he disappeared again. No return calls. No response to texts.
I texted him
"Hey. I am saying goodbye. I am ready to move on with my life. I am not happy with the terms of our situationship. I love you. I always have and I always will. But I am ready. I have been hurt and disappointed for the last time. Please, block my number then delete it. I will do the same."
Peace.
3 am. A half text (randomly cut off... perhaps busted sending it... but who knows)
"Wow. Ouch. I will miss my (name name). You broke my heart. I will block your number so"
That's it. Day 4
I love me more than I know.
Dear lord, this whole thing says it all. I am at the point where I cant even tell him that I am leaving for good because I know all it does is call him to do something to give me that little bit of hope to keep going. Why tell him? why pour my heart into telling him the horrendous-ness of our relationship and the heartbreak when I know I am doing it in hopes that he will wake up and give me more of what I want. All he will do is give me a glimmer of hope. And I am not stringing that stuff along anymore. I cant help him, especially when he perpetually chooses to stay emotionally unavailable. I cant be here with him because in choosing to be with him I am choosing to do an act of violence on myself. I am settling for something far less than love. It pains me to see the little girl still trying to hold her fists up and fighting to complete this relationship. If only I can get him to commit.. is all i keep telling myself. Its not in him to do that. And even if he did commit, It wont fulfill the void. I will not find self worth in other people, I will not be respected and loved if I leave it up to others and accept scraps. I have to love me, I have to respect me. I have to see myself as worthy.
I first met the love of my life when I was 17 and he was 27. He was married. We had a relationship for 3 years and he was/is the love of my love. The first person I ever had a relationship with.
We parted as I knew I had to try and move on. Then 10 years later we bumped into each other. We met up for coffee a few times and I knew it was dangerous. I was married by then and pregnant with my daughter. I didn't keep in touch. He said he felt completely dismissed but I knew he wouldn't never leave his wife.
Then 18 months ago we made contact. We met up and it was wonderful. I wrote him a letter to explain that I had never loved so deeply. It was the beginning of many, many email love letters to each other. He wrote so deeply of his love and need to be with me. That he would fight for me with the last drop of blood in his body. He promised he would never hurt me again. He proceeded to promise we would be together this June and would finally have our time. He again and again said he wanted me to be pregnant with the child we never had. He said never would a child be so wanted or so loved. He wrote and said it over and over again.
I fell pregnant last summer but he immediately wanted me to have an abortion. After all that he had said and written. Every time we made love he would say he hoped I was carrying our love inside me. When it happened he didn't want it to continue. I went ahead with the termination as he was so worried about upsetting his family. It is a decision that has left me mentally scarred. The worst decision of my life. He knew I had had an abortion when I was much younger and that it wasn't something I wanted to repeat. I stayed with him as he promised he would leave and that I was the love of his life. His soulmate. His best friend. The one he thought of to get him through the night of his heart operation. He said he has never loved another. That he has been in an abusive marriage and deeply unhappy.
Then earlier this year he said his wife's cancer was no longer in remission. He of course cannot leave nor would I expect him to.
It has all caused great pain and I had to leave my job. He met my daughter and said he would cherish her like his own. He said he wanted to meet her many times so it wasn't a shock when we were finally together.
I have been completely faithful to him.
I just love him so much so I forgave time and time again.
I believed so much in him. My life has been devastated. I have been devastated. I still can't walk or step away.
This is so one-sided, Alex. It's no wonder you can't walk or step away. Not what about his family, what about you?! Allow yourself to see reality instead of the fantasy you so want it to be. Words - especially deep, dramatic words like his are so cheap. You deserve nothing less than real life actions that reveal the truth! Baby steps. You can't see this now, but oh how you will. Hold yourself in your own arms. Ask yourself what real love is. And then set your beautiful self free. You can do this!
I have been in this type of non relationship for over 2 years. I thought we had a friendship at the very least. SADLY I was wrong.
There has been too many hurtful instances to list.
It's funny though because after all the low down rotten ways he treated me , (mostly like a unpaid hooker) What really made me wake up was him not knowing my son's name .
Wtf? In 2 years !!!! That was enough to show his lack of care and integrity.
Don't let theses men use you ladies . It was the worst experience and lesson . Shame on you EUM.
You're not alone, Carol. It stops when we stop, when we all wake up. It doesn't matter when we do, it only matters that we do.
Well written article! I can completely relate. I think, after dating several emotionally unavailable partners, my own dating patterns became vividly clear. I was the emotionally unavailable one, and I subconsciously choose partners whom I knew couldn't give me the love I wanted to receive. I'm certain it was embedded in me from my own childhood. In all of these cases, I had the better self-awareness and could easily hone in on their deficiencies. I could relate to them, because I knew exactly the problems with which they were dealing. I thought I could help them; I was absolutely wrong! The final straw that compelled me to do some serious work on myself was having a partner say he loved me one night and leave me the very next day, because he caved under the anxiety these feelings caused him. It was a very painful experience and left me with nothing but confusion and shattered self-esteem. My realization from all of this is simple: I am, through my own self-help and counseling, too available for these types of partners. I am ready to to let those that are capable to love me, love me. It took 12 years of these dating patterns to come to these conclusions. None of these unavailable partners were bad people nor do I think I was a bad person once upon a time. It's a long road and a lot of introspection to becoming more available, so as to give anyone the love we all want to receive. This is a really good article. It mimics myself at every stage of my own enlightenments. Thanks!
We always think we can, Aaron, until we finally learn it's not that there's something wrong we us that we can't, but that it's not ours to do. So glad this resonated so much with you!
Thank you for this lovely post. I've been in several long term relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago and had a couple great dates. Both evenings he spent a lot of time described what kind of relationship he wanted in no uncertain terms. No expectations, monomogy yes, sex yes, commitment no. No drama, no big emotions, no falling in love, and definitely no anger directed towards him. That would make him run for the hills. Final term? Either of us can pull the plug whenever we want, no discussion. So after hearing all this I think, that's great this guy is so honest and committed to communicating his needs and where he's at - let's have sex! And so we did. Lots of it. And then the next day comes and I feel like shit and the day after and I still feel like shit. I should have felt great. Here's a lovely guy who wants to be in a relationship with me who thinks all of my curves and fatty bits are gorgeous. But I felt like crap and it suddenly dawned on me...these are his relationship terms and not mine. My terms look drastically different and besides communication they involve commitment, accountability, bravery and vulnerability, and most of all a willingness for the relationship to evolve and grow with room to fall in love and work through emotions and challenges. When I realized I couldn't actually dive into something more official on his terms I cried. And I cried. I cried becaus I love myself and I had to let go of something pretty great because it still wasn't enough for me. And I cried because finally I felt free!!!!!
And I cried with you when I read your words, Kate, because what came through so clearly is that you listened to what you knew in your heart of hearts to be true - what we always know if we're ready to hear it - that you're worth so much more than settling for anyone else's terms even if it means they might love those parts of us that we find it hardest to love ourselves. Yes, you may have had to let go of something that seemed pretty great, but if it wasn't enough for you, you can know beyond a doubt that there is something better for you, someone who will love those same parts of you but without those terms that aren't yours, without you having to live with any terms that don't honor your beautiful heart and soul. Run with this, Kate. I'm right there with you celebrating your freedom with you. You're never alone in what you go through. And I promise you, there is so much more to come for you!
What I just read has been the last two years of my life. I finally ended it after much heartache, shattered hopes and some needed humiliation. And finally---after being "Friends" --- which turned to "Friends with Benefits" with him being the only one really benefiting. I am so glad for this article. I made up my own mind a week ago, but the stages you listed are the ones I actually went through to break free.
What I just read has been the last two years of my life. I finally ended it after much heartache, shattered hopes and some needed humiliation. And finally---after being "Friends" --- which turned to "Friends with Benefits" with him being the only one really benefiting. I am so glad for this article. I made up my own mind a week ago, but the stages you listed are the ones I actually went through to break free. And it does feel free!
Hi everyone. I've been with my husband for 11 years now, almost 3 of them married, and I am really happy I read your article. The last 2 years have been the worst. I still love the guy, as I love everyone, but his passion is his addiction, and I'm sadly #2. We just started couples counseling, but the more visits we have the more I find my husband is emotionally unavailable. It's been in flux our whole relationship: we each took turns telling the other we weren't getting the attention or time together we desired, but year after year we thought maybe we could get it together. So several episodes of depression and 3 therapists later I'm starting to see the imbalance of efforts. According to him it's me and my poor communication. According to me it's my husband who struggles with trusting me, respecting me, and taking the lead when I'm exhausted. I've gone through giving up my identity to focus on the relationship and my mental and physical health while my husband focused on his own goals and happiness, relying solely on me for his emotional support. It's a burden no one should have to carry.
The other day I found myself talking to a friend who was encouraging me to do all the things that rekindle a relationship. They were all familiar, but I found myself arguing that these are what I want to see my partner do. Our counselor has given us daily homework assignments to hug and share our strongest feeling that day and something positive we see in the other person. I watched it be forgotten and neglected for the whole first week. I've tried to separate, but he and his family said things would never heal if we did that. Being the optimist I am I moved to the city with him. Now it's just closer quarters where we spend our separate lives. He tries to do good and he's really proud of his efforts and says it just doesn't help. So now we're trying to fix things, again.
Where I'm at I want to be free, but if I break his heart mine will break too, so I've been afraid to call it quits. I want to buy a house for myself, live on my own, rebuild my life, but what does that say about working together and seeing this counselor? He's starting to say things like he wants a home together and he wants children when we're not toxic, meanwhile he's distant, terrified, and asks me permission to do anything he likes to do.
Have I been tricking myself that he can be that emotional support I need with the right teacher? Is it wrong to be in it hoping for something different? I want to be confident in my decision to take on my own life under my own terms and not just follow him towards his dreams like I used to. I tried to do all the things he loved and slowly lost track of who I was. His pastimes weren't and aren't fulfilling. They used to be fun together, but now I know I need different things. More than anything I want someone to share them with, not someone whom I invite to do everything.
What encouragement would you give someone like me?
Reading all of this is helping me so very much. I've been in a ldr with an eup for two years, showering him with love and time, gifts, letters, everything. He hardly makes the time to reply to a text msg. In the first 6 months, obviously things were so much different. In fact, I even traveled 8000 miles to spend 5 days with him. I have always felt so connected to him. It's breaking my heart to think that I've only been his tool for these years, and I'm feeling like I need to end it. I'm just so used to him in my life. He has repeatedly played the "friends card" and I've taken it, in fact, even managed to romanticize it. I let myself become his option. He says he never wants to lose me, but this feels like even more manipulation. Anyway, I'm grateful for all of these words here. I'm trying my best to know what to do.
oh I hear you, Emily. So do so many of us here. When we buy into the fantasy, we lose our ability to see the reality until the reality finally is loud enough that we can no longer ignore it. What is the most loving thing you can do for you?
Find that. Find the compassion. For you this time. Find the love. Again, for you. And then trust yourself to know what to do for you.
My on again off again boyfriend has not only shown signs of emotional unavailability but also possibly Bi Polar with severe mood swings and changes his mind about whether he wants me or not several times over the past 2 years. He reduced us to casual dating status and now has been distant for 2 weeks. He lies, acts hot and then cold towards me and can't decide what he wants. The only thing he has said is that he wants a sexual relationship with only me. I am ready to go no contact. He has broken promises and now my heart. Any thoughts?
Wow..great advice and just where I am at. I just could not understand why with such connection and chemistry..he wouldn't want to be with me in a relationship. He had tremendous hold on me, and think it was because I received so little affection growing up ..so it might have been an addiction.
Just like the article says..one day ..you look at him or read an email and realize he is a total BS. Just using you to get the attention. Now I think he probably liked be with me..but had no clue about intimacy. Frankly I'm not sure he needed or wanted it. After some thought I figured out that he is a sex addict ( going to his car for personal business for long period of time, irritable and demanding around sex..and just expected it on the spot.
Now he seems rather pathetic. A millionaire on a boat in the virgin islands right now ..masturbating to porn..when he could have had a fun sexy girlfriend . He chose the later.. A little boy who lies and lives in a bubble.
I still to have thoughts that one day he will realize what he is missing..but that is me imposing my needs on him. He doesn't want it or care.
I've been dating quite a few men on match.. lots of clarity around red flags now.. how does this guy make me feel?? I spend a lot of time visualizing how I want a man to make me feel..it makes me less lonely.
I've known this guy since I was a sophomore and we used to be really good friends but I wasn't interested in him that way. We stopped talking for a year because I moved schools and got into a relationship. It's senior year now and I'm back at the same school with him and I'm single and me and him have been talking for almost 4 months now. We've been on a date, we've hanged out and acted like a couple, but every time I bring up the subject about why he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend, he says "soon". It seems like soon is never coming though. There's times he acts so sweet and like we're together, but it's only when we're alone. But other times he acts so emotionally detached, like I'm just some normal friend. I don't know if it's time to move on or if I should give him more time?
I would like to start by showing my appreciation for this site it is very helpful & encouraging. l am 28 & l just ended a relationship with a guy who was so emotionally unavailable, l just couldnt take it anymore. He would blow hot l cold, disappear for days & resurface wen he pleased, l once visited him we live miles apart & he couldnt even spare that little time with me but went and spent nights away with his friends.
In my presence he could just sit in silence on his fone chatting with other pple, He rarely appreciated me, & l finally realised that staying in the relationship hurt more than walking away & gaining my sanity back.
So l broke up with him & immediately blocked him on facebook & watsapp l am now focusing on self improvement & enjoying my life.
Yes it hurts at times becoz l wanted to things to work out well between us, but l know it will get better in time
you did the right thing. I felt trapped, so I got away from anything that reminded me of him. He is selfish and I was a sucker. But no more. Improving our own lives and seeing our worth will keep us from even looking at such emotional predators ever again. I keep thinking even if we ended up together what the heck was I getting? and from the behavior you just described about him, you have been tired of him in a few months. It is probably that we could not have it that we think it was great. But that is not always true.
Hmm where do I begin....reading this helps me realize things more clearly, but it hasn't been easy. I'm almost 29 years old and I was introduced through a friend who worked with him at the hospital to a man who was 45...a doctor and was "forewarned a few things." Of course we had this instant connection, both from upstate ny, very sarcastic and chill personalities and we really clicked and seemed to get eachother...I could tell he had commitment issues but we dated about 7 months. There were red flags I ignored bc I pushed it under the rug. No matter how many times I heard friends say we haven't seen him like this with anyone, or you may be the one who changed him...deep down I waited for the day he was going to walk away when he "freaks out".....for months I was happy, things were good...until "beach season" which I didn't know existed in Florida started...we were together almost everyday..after a few weeks of "beach season" he started doing things to sabatage our relationship..I saw it clearly and it all went down hill from there...he never hung out with friends during weeks or weekends until "beach season".....I just felt like he tried and gAve me what he was capable of. I've never felt so heartbroken or confused in my life...6 months lAter...we hang out and I find myself having feelings of resentment and anger for how he treated me, dropped me out of no where and things he has said to me. I get mad at myself for hanging out with him or even falling back into it knowing he will never committ...45, single, never been married or engaged for a reason. It's just hard to escape when they give u mixed signals and it's difficult to be done done because I actually cared a lot about him. I know I'm preventing myself from meeting a guy who would give me what I deserve. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi there. Wow I can relate to this article so much. I have been with a guy for almost 8 months, and it has honestly been some of the hardest few months of my life. We quickly dated and then he quickly started calling me his 'girlfriend' and at the time I challenged him about it saying, 'well, you never contact me when we're not together so are we actually boyfriend and girlfriend?' Anyway, it quickly spiralled to 'boyfriend and girlfriend' as he invited me to lots of things in the diary. We sometimes saw each other more than twice a week- but sometimes we would go 2 weeks without seeing each other. It was inconsistent and confusing. I would go on holiday and hear nothing from him- and vice versa when we went away he hardly contacted. He never told me he missed me/was looking forward to seeing me/couldn't wait to see me again. We'd spend beautiful long weekends together and he'd never say, 'thanks for a lovely time' or anything of the sort. He never complimented me. I can honestly count on my 1 hand the few times he paid a half-arsed compliment, usually about what I was wearing but never things like, 'you're beautiful.' Never anything about spending time with me, and never anything about my personality. I had to actually ask him how he'd describe me to his friends, to try and get any compliments out of him. The only time I felt 'loved' or 'wanted' from him was when we were making out. We'd be lying there cuddling and I would feel so much love, I was 100% sure that he could feel it too- I'd still swear it to this day. But he'd never say it. He'd never tell me he loved me, or even liked me. It was bizarre. I was convinced he was just emotionally in-ept (which I still think he is) but then he told me he didn't love me...then he back-tracked and said 'I think I love you but I'm not in love with you' after I'd poured my heard out to him. It was heart-wrenchingly painful. 8 months of amazing sex, great times and him always planning things for us far in the future but he didn't love me. Why then, did he plan things for us far in the future? Why did he talk about his family and friends about me, if he didn't want to be with me long term? I was so confused. It was so utterly painful. I thought, 'this can't be right. Surely this isn't how the honeymoon period is supposed to be?! I thought you were supposed to receive compliments!'
Anyway. We went on holiday together and he spent the whole time grumpy, tired and sounding exasperated. Why? Probably because he didn't want to be there. Or tied down, to me. I spent 80% of the time in pain or crying, or feeling so frustrated, alone and upset I just wanted to come home. He also said we couldn't be friends on social media, what does that mean?! Surely alarm bells should be ringing for me! After that I asked him to take time out to think about his feelings and about what he wants- whether he wanted me or not. The thing is there was a total lack of appreciation within our dynamic the whole time. Don't get me wrong- he sometimes did nice things for me and could be thoughtful, but there was no love in it. I'm not being arrogant, but I do think he loves/loved me at times and we were great in a way. I put up with it for so long, but he is so emotionally unavailable it's actually scary. It's like a robot at times. I've been with crazily expressive men before so I can understand why this feels strange, but this was ridiculous. I've never met anyone like him before in my life. The trouble is, he's quite a lot older than me and hasn't settled down yet. I have bags of time but he doesn't. He is quite like a teenager in the way he has handled this relationship, and I really do feel for him. I worry he'll never find love if it's not me and that he'll end up alone and childless. He deserves more than that. I want to be the one he changes for- I've received bits of information that he's had many other 'short lived' relationships- and can understand why. They all left him, gave up on him, way sooner than me. But I want to help him, I want him to open up and be ready to be emotionally available to me and ready to commit. I have no idea what'll happen when he comes back to me or what he'll say or when. Currently in limbo trying to be strong. I know I've done the right thing by asking him to have time out to think about things, because surely no human deserves what I was getting before. If someone can't appreciate you, what is there? I do often feel very upset and lonely, worried I've done the wrong thing and that I should have just 'given it more time.' I need to find a way to stay strong in myself, and keep reminding myself I've 100% done the right thing.
My God, Summerhill. What you describe here sounds so unhealthy it's scary. I know I don't know you, but reading your comment made me worry about you. I don't understand why you want to make everything easy to someone who doesn't love you and has shown you and said so. You talk about what he deserves, but what about what you deserve? People didn't give up on him. He didn't give anything to begin with. He is responsible for his life and his choices, no one else.
By the same token, if you keep choosing this path, you can't complain about being mistreated because you are choosing it and accepting it.
Think carefully here and dig within yourself to find out why you're holding onto this. It sounds quite unhealthy for you to keep having this faith of getting him to change. He will change when he decides to change. It's not your job or responsibility to make that for anyone other than yourself. Please remember that. Take your power back.
This is probably THE best article EVER on choosing right!
As I have said before, dear Jane...
You are awesome, as your incredibly excellent work!
Thank you so much for sharing what is truly important...
When you believe in TRUE LOVE...
... And you LOVE YOURSELF so much, that you are not settling for any less than you deserve! With love, Monica
Hi ,
I was happy to see this a mixed platform for exchanging experience and advice , much of which has been thought provoking and vital .
I am a cosmopolitan man , 42 years old , single , never married but with a positive contribution and weekly contact with my 15 year old son . I have a curious approach to life and apply myself positively as best I can ( isn't that all we can do ?) Life is far from perfect , which is perfect depending on your point of view.
Having just experienced my own taste of a modern woman , I was reminded how quickly I can fall under their spell . Our connection lasted 5 months and has been its own source of learning already .
The first of these is the trap of modern messaging habits which if led by your partner , one feels tempted to sucumb . Which I did by the boatload , but failed to tone down and turn down , once we had met in person . This was my mistake admittedly , led on by a single mum who liked to keep in touch during the day whom id often speak to in the evening . . no harm until there was a palpable disconnect with our meeting . Text messaging is the perfect opportunity to craft a carefully manicured , richly toned imagined self where one is hiding in plain sight .
It is a subject in its own right but it felt like an ongoing thorn in the side of our connection . I came to the conclusion I should accommodate some communication issues although after a terrific start in the honeymoon stage , my ability to clown around and have fun the lady in question started to pull back as time went on . In fact it was I who invested more time and energy but I failed to take account , by ignoring my own time , space and social life .
The clues were in the subtleties that made enough of an indent but which I ignored. A loss of self esteem followed and the full co dependency package was right behind and I was reminded how crippling the increasing impact was for us both .
Being informed that this lady , who had 2 young children , a very suspect 3 year marriage behind her and a record of having ended all her previous relationships should have been enough but ever wishing to dance around her whim I danced to her tune . This should have meant meant seeing my offer of a committed relationship at 5 months as a once only , that I should believe her when she stated life was too overwhelming to be in a relationship with me , and that she couldn't match up to meeting my reasonable needs long term . An underwhelming response if ever there was one ...
The simple fact was , her marked unavailability for intimacy should have sent me packing and after getting back together I finished it using intuition as my only guide . The relief is palpable .....
Julien . UK
Glad you've experienced this relief, Julien. Thank you for sharing. It's so freeing when we allow ourselves to be freed!
I posted here several months ago. I am wondering if an EU man is always going to be an EU man. I've know this particular man since 2009. He is currently 43 and I am 56 - we met and had a strong attraction. He was in another relationship that he described as volatile and "off and on" (this after a failed marriage). We started spending more time together after his relationship ended in 2012- but he cited that he didn't want a 'big deal" - so we primarily saw each other on Saturday evenings and Sunday afternoons - very little other contact - we didn't go out (other than for a drink) - the relationship was 90% sex and 10% social - I never met any of his friends. He led me to believe that I was his girlfriend and this was what he could "handle" - I've loved him for long that I accepted this situation. Now in April of 2015 - yes just 6 months ago he started making noise about "Not sure what I want" .... "Maybe just see each other at times".... he set the rules but wouldn't talk to me about what was going on. I sensed that he met someone else... yet I didn't push it (why didn't I?).....We did see each other for sex "off and on" - his whole demeanor towards me changed. But he kept coming over. In July we had a more serious talk and he wanted to "see what life holds for him and get out and do things" I said that is what I always wanted from him and he told me at that time - that he didn't see me in that way. Long story .... but I never knew he had a Facebook page until sometime in August when he showed up as someone I might know. He noted his status as "In a Relationship" and that was dated end of July. By the way - when asked directly back in mid July he told me he was not seeing anyone. I have not confronted him about his FB nor the multitude of pictures he's been posting of the two of them. He STILL contacts me a couple of times a week - he STILL won't talk about or admit that he's in a relationship.... and the sad sad sad part of this is that he's STILL seeing me. And I am allowing it. Once a week for a booty call. I hate myself for this - trying to move on - lonely. I'm SO very jealous that he found someone - and as sick as it is - I still wish I was the girl beside him. I've been on a few dates but have not met anyone I feel strongly about. I can't understand why he still wants a connection with me. This goes back to my original comment/question - can an EU man with a volatile track record with relationships - can he truly find love and have a genuinely happy relationship? My therapist says that they might be in a glow period right now but that in time his true colors will come out. I am dealing with jealousy, hurt, rejection and confusion over why I continue to let him in my life. HELP!!!!
If he's motivated to change and gets the help he needs to do make that change, anything is possible, Tracy. But it can't come from you. This is his work to do. Don't beat yourself up because of what he can't or isn't capable of getting to. Change your thoughts about him, accept him for who he is, accept that he's on his own path of his choosing and then get back on your own beautiful path. What he does and who he does it with is only a part of you if you choose to make it a part of you. Practicing emotional detachment frees you to see him for who he is, and yourself for who you are. You only want someone who's truly compatible with you, regardless of what feelings his finding someone else incite in you. This isn't how love is ever meant to feel!
Thank you for your inspiring words Jane. This is the first time in many years that I am truly alone (even though he wasn't really with me). It scares me a little - and I am having a hard time with my feeling of abandonment and rejection- that he chose a path that was NOT me. I just feel very flawed.
Hi, love the truth about unavailable men. The truth is every other guy is like this. I've been down this road before and really I would rather just not date as there are so many mommy's boy's out there is impossible for us good girls.
Not interested, I would rather be single and raise my kid on my own. It's mothers fault for raising a sucky baby! Not interested.
Kim
Hi Jane,
I met this man seven years ago and had just gotten out of a 25 year marriage after she cheated on him. He told me then he wasn't ready for a relationship. We ended it and I was fine. I had two failed relationships after him and didn't see him again for two years. We were at a mutual friends function and he asked if he could take me out. We dated for a short period and he would disappear, not answer texts so I said this isn't working for me, I need more and I would leave. This cycle has been going on for a number of years. Neither of us have been with anyone else and each time he comes back he said what do I have to do date you and or go out with you. I tell him, its good for a couple weeks/months and he goes right back to the same person he who disappears for 8-9 days. He says he doesn't just do it to me, he does it to all his friends and family and his mom confirmed he does it to them. I can't leave like this. I said why do you keep coming back for me only to do this to me year after year. He said cause I truly miss you. I said i need more and he always has an excuse like I will fill free when this alimony is paid, or I get the annulment or this or that. I am in the process of seeking therapy because I love him and I know I deserve more but I always seem to forgive him and I know its unhealthy to keep allowing this to happen and yet I just keep repeating the pattern. I am so disgusted with myself.
Take out the disgust for yourself, Christina; there's nothing wrong with you! What's underneath the disgust? Answer that and you'll find the bigger answer of how you're going to free yourself. You're on the right path seeking out therapy to get to the bottom of this; when he's telling you what he can't give you and you keep going back for more, there's everything you can do to change this because it's really about you! He's going to keep doing what works for him, it's up to you to set your own boundaries around what you will and won't accept from him - and stick to them. You deserve so much more than this!
Hi Jane I've actually just walked away from an emotionally unavailable man. I am struggling, because I can't stop trying to figure out what was actually real between us, and what wasn't.
He is fairly certain he will be moving soon, which is the main reason why he doesn't think we can be "serious". When we first started seeing eachother, he seemed more committed than ever. He had been pursuing me for a while before I finally realized my feelings for him were mutual. 3 months into our relationship (which was undefined, but it was clear we weren't seeing other people) commitment issues seemed to appear out of nowhere.
He became homesick, and thought about wanting to return back to his hometown. I became frustrated that he was often hot and cold, and very unsure of what he wanted. I would ask if him if everything was ok between us, and he'd lie and say we were fine. Ultimately, we talked and decided we should stop seeing eachother, since he was unable to move forward.
This lasted almost a month, at which point we began seeing each other again. I knew what I was getting myself into- but I cared for him so much that I didn't want to give it up ( I don't think he wanted to give it up either). It was the same as it was before (he was always hot and cold. Wanted talk to me everyday for a week, then drops off for a few days) except he began to confide in me about serious issues in his life. I had hoped this all meant that maybe he had reconsidered his original feelings for me.
After 6 months total of this situation, I finally asked him where his head was at. He explained that nothing had changed since the last time we talked..that he still thinks he may move soon, and that he really can't commit to anything serious. None of this was shocking, but he also told me "it's unfair to you, and I understand if you don't want to do this anymore". I calmly told him that I was done, that he couldn't lean on me emotionally any more, and that I wouldn't have become involved in this if I knew he was never going to make it a serious relationship. He argued that it did mean a lot to him, and that at the onset he thought it would be serious until he had second thoughts on moving.
How do I stop myself from getting hung up on whether or not he's telling the truth, or if he's just not that in to me? I'm not angry with him, but I'm disappointed that instead of doing the right thing and ending it himself, he was going to let it continue on the way it was because it was convenient for him, all the while knowing it was unfair.
By focusing on you instead of him, Grace. By forgiving yourself for what you want to pin on him. Be so gentle with yourself as you go through this. This isn't personal; don't make it so. It doesn't matter whether he's telling the truth or if he's just not that into you - either way, what he's telling you is he's not on the same page as you. You can argue over details, you can be angry with him for not being able to do the "right" thing, but at the end of the day what you want - what you deserve! - is someone who can give you what you're looking for, not someone who you have to try to cajole into being that. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel - anger, sadness, hurt. Remember you don't have to play a role of being the strong one here, you're allowed to be you.
P.S. we were on a schedule of Mon tues fri and sat nite .. Ate dinner out 3x a year and he came and stayed after he ate. We went out for a couple drinks on wknds but that was it....except if I made a plan.....my friends events or I pushed for a day
Is this kind of relationship what you want? Is it working for you? What do you honestly want and expect from a partner? What is this man actually giving you?
From here, it seems he mistreats you, doesn't give you anything but pain and heartache, so this is where you have to decide how important you are for yourself and put a stop to situations that don't honor you. What he wants, thinks or says is his problem, not yours. Time to dig inside you, find out what it is you truly want and go get it while saying good bye to someone who is not good for you.
It all starts with you. You're not a victim, you have a say too. Your life is your own and depends solely on your decisions.
You have the strength, the power, the beauty and the wisdom inside you to propel you towards happiness. Discover your voice, your beauty and all your gifts. You have many of them. Time to take care of you.
Dated guy for almost 9 years. Very private...more than. Phone was off limits..when I asked once..it was none of my f ing business. Conversations limited. Would not discuss his kids who he visited often out of state and would not take me, work or friends and only involved me with friends 3x in 9 years. Would not repeat discussions,..especially about where relationship was going. All along I wanted him to live with me. Said he would not discuss or predict future and I could not bring it up although I often tried. We spent all our time at my house with me attending to his needs. He did help out with fixing things now and then. His place was not an option but a few times I pushed it and most times he found a way out or was mad. It is an interracial relationship with no family on either side attached except that he has become a part of my kids lives (distantly) and I have met his but have no relationship with them as they do not even speak when we have had the rare opportunites to be together . I am getting older with my birthday approaching....he knows this is a factor due to last years arguments over this and the fact that I need the relationship to move forward. He called off the relationship 2 weeks ago saying I was too negative and he couldn't take it anymore. I have given my heart and soul. Two days ago he sent out of the blue an I love you text. My heart is torn in two and I cant let go.. Please help P.S. He never ever gave compliments or says nice things and I love you is hard.....so it meant a lot to get after the break ...
You have to ask yourself if this is working for you, D. You matter. Your needs matter. You can't pretend this is working for you if it's not. Pretending anything other than your truth only leads to resentment. You can't change him; he's going to do what works for him - you do what works for you!
Hi, I'm a soon to be divorced male that has gone through an emotionally unavailable relationship. The former missus and i were in love ..or so think but eventually all the red flags that I overlooked came crashing down. Little did I realize the extend or lack there of of the growth she needs to take place w in her ...God knows I loved her but I know now that I too have some things to work out. We went to counseling, faith based counseling, couples therapy but bc of my upbringing and background I felt I was always to blame bc I was never patient enough or sensitive to her needs. Unequal yoke ....I was dying w her lack of intimacy but I wasn't ready to let go ..tho.nine yes later, plus her affairs, abandonment,depression and apathy I'm left holding the bag ...I know now it's not intentional but it feels like I'm the only male that actually cares and is open to a family while everyone else has a me first attitude. I'm ready for love but feel damaged bc I held on too long to someone I should have let go along time ago . Thanks for listening. Trying go get back to me now ...2 steps back 1 giant leap forward . God bless and thanks for allowing us to express ourselves here w u.
You're not damaged, Chris. You have a beautiful heart and soul that deserves someone who loves those parts of you as much as you have the capacity to love those parts of them! Don't let the male stereotype live on through you - I work with some of the most incredible men with hearts of gold that any woman would love to know. There's someone out there looking for you - exactly as you are - as much as you're looking for her!
I would suggest releasing these men ladies. It may be painful in the beginning but you will feel a sense of relief in the long run. Maybe take the time to work on yourself and work out why you would accept less than you know you deserve.
This really just broke down everything I've been feeling for months and couldn't quite put into words. I'm at the final stage where I realize it's okay to let him be him but I can't allow that to hinder how I know I should and deserve to be loved. Taking the inconsistencies and blatant notice that I'm not a priority for the reality that it is. SEEING ACTUAL REALITY!
Hi, I wanted to share my story to see if anyone has been through similar and ask for any advice.
I have been with my partner for 4 years and from the start we had a very strong sexual connection like I'd never felt before. To me he was (and still is) the most beautiful man I'd ever met. I fell head over heels but straight away knew that we were on different pages emotionally. Although I knew he was attracted to me, he always made sure there was a distance between us and I've never really felt secure in our relationship. After the first year he has split up with me probably once every 6 months and it has continued like that for our entire relationship. Im always worrying when it will happen again.
we moved in together I thought things were ok and then after a year he told me that he had bought a house out of his divorce settlement money to move in to....alone, all done in secret !!! Obviously this meant I had to find somewhere else to live on my own but when it came to me actually moving out, he cried like a baby and said he didn't want to split up and that he didn't know why he does the silly things he does that push me away and that he didn't want to live on his own. I wanted to feel secure so I took on my own flat and see him maybe 3 times a week. When I'm not with him, I barely hear from him. We never have days out, never been on holiday together, never do anything as a family with each of our children. When he has his children for the weekend I'm not even allowed to pop round for a coffee, even though I've spent 4 years caring for them ?
We are not compatible in any way, we have no shared interests and he shows no interest in anything I talk about, he in turn barely talks. I was recently very poorly in hospital and could of died and he came to visit me once for 20 minutes, the night I was discharged he left me on my own overnight so that he could go out on his motorbike !!! In 4 years, he has never told me he loves me (except when drunk) and if I'm ever brave enough to say it to him, his reply is always 'I know you do'.
I know I should just walk away but in my heart I feel that he does love me as he can never be away from me for more than a few days. All sorts go through my head and because he absolutely will not talk about 'feelings' I never get any answers. If I try to discuss our relationship he will clam up and distance himself for a few days. He's not a very articulate person and not very talkative at the best of times and I sometimes suspect I intimidate him slightly as I do find it easy to talk about everything, he tells me he doesn't have the words or doesn't know how to explain his feelings.
Deep down in my heart I don't think he is a bad person and in his own way I do believe he loves me otherwise he would of left a long time ago but I can't waste any more tears and hours and hours of worrying and wondering if he will call or txt.
I am almost 40 and he is 50 and I don't want to be feeling like such an insecure weak person at my age, I'm an intelligent successful woman yet he makes me feel like nothing, I can't remember him ever paying me a compliment ? I know that he is my poison and I've known for a long time that one day I will wake up and realise that I can't accept this as a relationship any more but I can't find the strength to actually end it. People ask me why I love him so much as they can see I am unhappy and honestly, I don't know the answer other than that I am still massively attracted to him. Maybe he feels the same, I wonder if maybe he does realise that we are not right for each other but feels the same attraction I do and that's why he can't walk away either ? I wonder a lot of things and I don't want to wonder anymore
Attraction and love are not enough. This is toxic. What you need to do for yourself is dig much much deeper than "I still find him massively attractive ". There's more inside you that's causing you to cling to a man who's clearly a bad life partner, no matter how good a person you think he is. You're holding on to hope and fantasies about how much you might mean to him. It doesn't matter if he feels attracted to you. Is this it? Is this the life you want for yourself? A pseudo relationship that eats away at your sense of self worth and self respect?
Think clearly, Sherrie. Face your true fears and turn to caring for yourself. Find your own life apart from this man. As long as you keep believing his immature crying and "saying he doesn't want to be alone", he'll keep treating you poorly. It's sad that he begs you only because he doesn't want to be alone. Life is not meant to live like this, like a disposable companion to someone who has his own issues to own up to.
You don't need to stop feeling, you just need to care more for yourself. You're the one who needs rescuing, and you're the only one who can rescue you. At 40 you have a looooong time to search for your dreams and redefine your life. Seek help if you need to, go to a therapist and do everything you can to care and love for yourself. It's the only way to end the story of falling for men who are not good for you.
Sherrie - I feel your pain! My situation is similar although we never lived together. In my case I am 13 years older than him (I'm 55). I too have been on a roller coaster for over 6 years. Our sexual chemistry was what brought us together. I thought we had common interests - I can recall several times over the years where we had deep conversations - shared similar world views. I would say we had a "decent" year or so in 2014 into 2015. In March he started making comments about - "not sure how I feel...maybe look to just see each other at times... not ending things just laying back". Ever since that time - he's not warm, he's not communicative, he doesn't answer when I call or text (or not often). He seems disinterested and it came up suddenly - like a switch flipped. I've even been wondering if he's met someone else - he had a girlfriend when I first met him and he was brutally honest with me about her. Even if he has met someone else - he is not going to change. As of today - I'm still holding on - he's given me every signal and sign that he doesn't want to be with me OR just only occasionally on his terms. I keep pushing - he keeps retreating. I come back to read this article and posts often - I'm struggling VERY hard just to get to step 1. All I know - is this is all true - the relationship is toxic and we deserve better. If I can help in any way please let me know.
Tracy, Thanks so much for replying to my comment. It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only person who feels like this as I have been starting to question my own sanity. Tonight I have basically diagnosed myself with a borderline personality disorder as I feel that I am sending myself crazy obsessing about this horribly mean and nasty man.
since my original post my man came waltzing back and once again I believed it when he said he was getting help and that he was so sorry for everything he's put my through and what a kind lovely woman I was. Well it lasted about 3 weeks.
I didn't mention before but he has left me 3 times for his ex wife (she has no interest in him, it was all in his head) and last week she called to talk to him about something and he sat and chatted with her for 40 minutes, showing a real interest in the conversation and asking questions. This made me feel uncomfortable so I went and sat in the bedroom, when he finished his call he came and asked me why had done that so I told him very calmly that I didn't feel comfortable listening to there conversation and he went mad at me. Haven't heard from since and he won't reply to my txt (I've only sent 1 ). He will continue this for about a week, have some time to himself, go out with the boys without me 'nagging' him and then when he thinks he's punished me enough he will turn up on my doorstep and play the joker, always when my children are here so that I can't get angry with him.
I know all of this about him and I honestly right now could not tell you one good point about him, but still I love him and still I will let him walk all over me. I am an intellect the women, why would I put myself through this ?
Tracy, if we can support each other in any way that would be great. Sometimes all you need is someone who understands what your going through, I don't know about you but my friends are sick of hearing about it and have no patience left and so I sit here on my own and cry, waiting for a txt or call. What a ridiculous situation.
I hope you get some resolution.
Hi Sherrie. First of all - I'm so sorry for you (for both of us really). This is my only outlet - my friends are also tired of hearing about this.....they say - he's never going to commit to you - so just let go. But as you know -letting go feels impossible. The same day I replied to your post - he called me that evening. I had suggested that he come by and he said he wasn't able to. I said "OK - we'll catch up over the weekend." He informed me that he was going with some guys from work to someone's cottage. I finally asked him to tell me what is really going on. He said he's 43 years old and doesn't know what he wants in his life .... he hasn't had a group of friends in years and he wants to socialize and be "around people". He and I basically had the same "date" every Saturday night and he made a comment about that we did the same thing every week. I said - Don't you think I would have loved to do ANYTHING else - don't you think I want to get out and socialize too? He didn't have a reply. I asked if he was seeing anyone else. He said no - and that he would OF COURSE tell me if he was. He kept saying that he just needs to take a step back....see what life holds. Yet about 6 times he said "Tracy we have been friends for a long time and I am not going anywhere. We can talk all the time." However his implication is that there will be no visits or intimacy. I was rocked! He wants to go out and explore life - just not with me. Or better yet - with me in a box in the closet. I can't stop myself from contacting him and did so last night to ask about his weekend....why in the world did I do that? I fretted and cried all weekend about him having fun and maybe meeting someone. He said they had a good time - he got too much sun....something came up from him in a flirty way - I told him I already miss him. He said he misses some things too....he said .... I miss the physical part right now. Does that mean "right now" in terms of physical with ME? Or "right now" in terms of until he meets someone and replaces me. I am worn out ....my heart is broken.
I also hope you find your way back to "Sherrie" and can let him go. I'm happy to talk/support anytime.
Hi, Thanks so much for your reply. I feel like I could of written the whole thing myself, our stories are so similar.
I wish I could offer you some advice but all I can offer you is a willing ear, sometimes a problem shared really are a problem halved.
I am literally right now led on my bed worrying about what to do. I am still 'on hold' pretending to be brave. I even went out with friends over the weekend and didn't sit in and wait for him to call like I usually would. He was supposed to be attending a very special anniversary party for my grandparents with me yesterday and just never turned up, it was the first time he would of met them and it was really important to me, my grandfather is old and I don't think we will have him for much longer and I wanted my boyfriend to have met him and see what a beautiful man he is. But no, just....nothing. I have literally been crazy woman mad with him and so frustrated with him but I wouldn't give in and txt him and I have been absolutely positive that I hated him and wanted nothing more to do with him, then tonight I get 'hello, what are you up to ?' Just like that, no sorry or anything. I have been in a relationship with this man for 4 years and he just likes to keep me hanging on. I haven't heard from him in over a week and he has ignored my texts. He hasn't cared how that would of made me feel. I think he loves the power he has, he knows that he can do what he wants coz I have no will power to stay away from him.
I have been reading articles on emotional abuse and The Silent Treatment and they say it is one of the worst types of abuse, it hurts like nothing else and I feel I am going insane. I wanted to show myself that I am not going mad for putting up with it and that there are psychological reasons behind my staying, he is inside my head and I don't know how to get him out.
He has now txt again and told me that he is hurting too and that he loves me but hates keep hurting me and letting me down. He has asked if he can come and see me at work Wednesday evening, if I had any inclination that it was a booty call visit then I would tell him no way but as I will be at work I know it's not. I want to have to power to say no but I just know that I will give in. Things will be fine for a month but then I know I've got all this to go through again.
People say to me, why do you get so panicky because you know he always comes back but every time I think, that's it, it's definitely over and get anxious. I think it's coz I'm not in control of the situation and that if I could have the strength to end it, that I could actually deal with it ok, I just know that he won't really let me go. He will always have the power.
Would love to hear how your getting on when you have the time xx
No one has power over you if you don't give your power away. You're not a victim. You're choosing this even if you think you're not. Time for reflection, introspection to find love and respect within yourself for yourself. Lots of strength and clarity your way.
Hi Sherrie - my new "bff".
I think we put up with this unhealthy situation for a few reasons - we think that having "something" is better than being completely alone. But aren't we really alone in our current situations? Other than the crumbs they throw us? There is nothing we can count on other than the occasional good moment and then a whole bunch of hurt and disappointment. It makes us insecure, we cry, we wait by the phone. Then when they call we think maybe this time it will be different. But it's not. It never will be.
I too have read SO many articles about Emotionally Unavailable Men and my guy fits the description to a tee. I saw my therapist last night - she too has been going through this with me for 6 years - she knows... these men will NEVER change and suddenly become loving true partner. And even if they seek a new relationship with someone else - and there may be a "glow" period - they will soon show their true colors.
As I mentioned - I am 55 and he's 43. Since my divorce - this man has occupied my life (and not in a healthy way) for six years.
In my last message I told you that he wants to "see what life holds" - spend time with friends and that he's receptive to meeting someone new. Wouldn't any sane woman say - "Goodbye and good riddance?" Well I wish I had the strength - I want to have the strength. We have been having this "discussion" since Wednesday - I have not seen him since last Saturday and that was a brief and unfulfilling visit.
So he texted me last night - he says he's confused and doesn't know what life holds. We texted for a long time - he asked what I wanted and I told him that I wanted a closer relationship with him and not be his sex buddy. (We have been out on a few kind of dates - but not like a normal couple). I said I loved spending time with him and we could truly be great together.
He was honest - I'll give him that - he said that he just never saw me or felt about me as anything more than loving friends who spend some time together and have amazing sex.
From there - He starts a series of questions that leads to him calling me. Can we still get together "at times"? Would I still be his "friend" if he met someone else? Would we be special friends forever no matter what?
Again - a rationale person who has any self esteem at all would say NO WAY. I am better than that - if you want to move on to greener pastures - I'm done. But I didn't say that.
He continued on about how he can't imagine me not being part of his life... how we've shared things and done things (sexually) that could never do with anyone else. He claims our bond is just too amazing to let go completely.
SO selfish! And think of this - he's ALREADY trying to set the stage to keep me on the side as he's considering exploring new relationships. Does that SCREAM Emotionally Unavailable??? Imagine the poor girl he meets and starts to form a connection with - as he trying to maintain a sexual relationship with me on the side.
We didn't resolve anything. I told him that what he was proposing was upsetting and that it hurt. I encouraged him to think about me in the bigger picture (he won't).
If/when he meets someone new - it might be good and happy for a while - maybe - but he doesn't want to let go of me. What a horrible place to be.
We talked until after midnight - we made no decisions - no plans. He said he'd call tonight or "soon". I feel certain he'll contact me for a booty call soon.
I agree that sharing is very helpful. Having a sounding board - maybe we can help each other move towards independence from these men and learn to love ourselves!
Look forward to hearing from you soon! Tracy
Hi Sherrie - my new "bff".
I think we put up with this unhealthy situation for a few reasons - we think that having "something" is better than being completely alone. But aren't we really alone in our current situations? Other than the crumbs they throw us? There is nothing we can count on other than the occasional good moment and then a whole bunch of hurt and disappointment. It makes us insecure, we cry, we wait by the phone. Then when they call we think maybe this time it will be different. But it's not. It never will be.
I too have read SO many articles about Emotionally Unavailable Men and my guy fits the description to a tee. I saw my therapist last night - she too has been going through this with me for 6 years - she knows... these men will NEVER change and suddenly become loving true partner. And even if they seek a new relationship with someone else - and there may be a "glow" period - they will soon show their true colors.
As I mentioned - I am 55 and he's 43. Since my divorce - this man has occupied my life (and not in a healthy way) for six years.
In my last message I told you that he wants to "see what life holds" - spend time with friends and that he's receptive to meeting someone new. Wouldn't any sane woman say - "Goodbye and good riddance?" Well I wish I had the strength - I want to have the strength. We have been having this "discussion" since Wednesday - I have not seen him since last Saturday and that was a brief and unfulfilling visit.
So he texted me last night - he says he's confused and doesn't know what life holds. We texted for a long time - he asked what I wanted and I told him that I wanted a closer relationship with him and not be his sex buddy. (We have been out on a few kind of dates - but not like a normal couple). I said I loved spending time with him and we could truly be great together.
He was honest - I'll give him that - he said that he just never saw me or felt about me as anything more than loving friends who spend some time together and have amazing sex.
From there - He starts a series of questions that leads to him calling me. Can we still get together "at times"? Would I still be his "friend" if he met someone else? Would we be special friends forever no matter what?
Again - a rationale person who has any self esteem at all would say NO WAY. I am better than that - if you want to move on to greener pastures - I'm done. But I didn't say that.
He continued on about how he can't imagine me not being part of his life... how we've shared things and done things (sexually) that could never do with anyone else. He claims our bond is just too amazing to let go completely.
SO selfish! And think of this - he's ALREADY trying to set the stage to keep me on the side as he's considering exploring new relationships. Does that SCREAM Emotionally Unavailable??? Imagine the poor girl he meets and starts to form a connection with - as he trying to maintain a sexual relationship with me on the side.
We didn't resolve anything. I told him that what he was proposing was upsetting and that it hurt. I encouraged him to think about me in the bigger picture (he won't).
If/when he meets someone new - it might be good and happy for a while - maybe - but he doesn't want to let go of me. What a horrible place to be.
We talked until after midnight - we made no decisions - no plans. He said he'd call tonight or "soon". I feel certain he'll contact me for a booty call soon.
I agree that sharing is very helpful. Having a sounding board - maybe we can help each other move towards independence from these men and learn to love ourselves!
Look forward to hearing from you soon! Tracy
Hey Tracy, my new bff, I like that ☺️,
I really feel for you. These men are so cruel. I can't believe that your 'partner' would even consider this proposal ? How little value does he give your feelings. Even after all I've been through, I think this is truly awful and honestly do understand how much you must be hurting right now.
In past times, whilst on breaks Shaun has suggested just being friends who had fun but never ever suggested that he may meet someone else but want to keep me on the side. I know it's easy for me to say but I honestly think that that would be enough to make me stand firm. I have been cheated on before and I just know that I could not bear to think about him with another woman, even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I have all hope that you will find the courage to love yourself enough to walk away from this man, I felt really angry for you when I read your message.
My situation hasn't changed much, he's still professing to be sorry and telling me that he can't sleep at night and he wants to see me tomorrow. I really don't know how I feel ? I've gone 8 days with out even hearing his voice and I actually feel I'm doing quite well (these messages help, it's almost like therapy to get it off my chest, thanks). Yes I do look forward to his texts but I'm not desperate to see him and I think that if I did see him that I would just feel angry. There definitely wouldn't be any falling in to his arms. I've tried hard this week to convince myself that this man will never ever bring happiness into my life other than as you said, the crumbs they chose to give us. If I let him back, how long will it be before he does it again, 3, 4 weeks max. He must think I have so little self respect ? BUT, I then panic and think about the times ahead when I would be expecting to be with him, I've got holiday from work next week and hoped to spend some time with him, now what will I do ? This kind of thought makes me anxious.
I'm feeling strong tonight though and hopefully every day I will feel more so.
Take care, look forward to hearing from you x
Good morning Sherrie -
It's so nice to have a message from you. If you would like to communicate outside of this forum my email is tracy@bex.net. It might be more direct. But it's up to you!
Last night was very challenging. As promised Chris called to continue our conversation from the previous evening. On the one hand he does not want to completely "end" our friendship (in a sexual manner) he mentioned being discreet friends. On the other hand we talked about if/when he meets someone (while he has told me time and time again that he hasn't met someone already - I believe he has) and would we be able to still get together. How would we set boundaries .....could we?
Knowing so very clearly now that he never really saw me as anything other than a best friend with benefits is hard enough - but to consider the very occasional booty call even he's seeing someone else is crushing.
I told him that I too need to find out what life holds for me - I have not been out socializing with friends or meeting new men. I said I will be "putting myself out there" on all fronts. He said he understood.
Here is where I failed Sherrie - there was much back and forth about seeing each other...wanting to - we had not spent any time together for 10 days and that just never happens. I relented and he came over. We have a chemistry so strong it's like drug. When he left I said "I feel like I'll never see you again". He said - "We will see each other - we'll always be friends."
I think I wanted him to "have me" one last time so that it will be on his mind as he moves forward. I know that is lame and it probably was just another booty call to him - but in the moment I couldn't stop myself. I have to resist contacting him now. I have to pull myself together and move forward. I have to consider what I will do if/when he contacts me down the road - as I just know that he will.
I want to get to the place where I feel ANGER - anger that I allowed this to happen for six years and anger that I fully loved a man who didn't reciprocate - gave me just enough attention to keep me involved- anger that he's moving forward with his life and putting me on the shelf.
I will be anxious to hear how your time with Shaun goes this evening - I hope you can be stronger than I am! It's easy to advise you to have no expectation that things will change or that he will won't disappoint you regarding your upcoming holiday. Focus on how strong you feel now and how you "survived" eight days without him!! These men will never change - the cycle will continue until - either you end it - or you find yourself in my shoes where he decides to take a new path.
Keep me posted and have a good day! Tracy
Hi Sherrie - you have been on my mind and we haven't caught up in a while.
I truly hope things are either better or resolved for you.
My relationship is over. He did meet someone else - in fact had been spending time with her these last few months as our time together has been declining. He told me that he and I really "can" be friends going forward and that he cares deeply for me but never saw me as serious girlfriend. My heart is broken.
I can see her on his Facebook page - he states his status as "IN a Relationship". Prior to this post - he was at my home in my bed two days later.
While I know in my soul that -- in time -- his true colors will come out in this relationship - it hurts and I am devastated.
Please let me know what is up in your world!
Tracy
Hi Tracy,
So sorry for the delay. My wifi has gone down at home and I have been on annual leave from work so have not been able to message you but have thought about you often.
I am so desperately sorry for your situation and can only imagine how heartbroken you must be feeling but also I am hoping that he does now leave you in peace to get over him and meet someone that deserves your love. I hope that he doesnt still feel that he can keep coming back to you as we both know that we find it hard to resist when we are put in that situation.
My life is still pretty much the same, we are still in the 'nice phase' where he is still trying to show me how sorry he is. He has visited me every evening for over a week, has bought his son to see my kids and even invited us to his for dinner. It does seem that he is making a real effort but the sad thing is that I know that he will have another moment in a few weeks or so and so I am as always, walking on eggshells and paranoid that today will be the day that he starts to ignore me again instead of just being happy for the moment.
Tracy I really wish that we could both find the strength to not need these men in our lives and be strong.
Sorry that my message is so quick but im trying to do it at work without getting caught 🙂
Thinking of you and sending you a big fat hug xx
Sherri - thanks for this lovely message and also reaching out to me at my personal address.
This man still doesn't know that I am aware of his "relationship" and continues to lie to me. He does not know that I'm aware that he's even on Facebook. The status update to "In A Relationship" was not meant for me.
He texted me again late last night - still wants "our special time" - said he'd call soon so that we can figure things out.
It kills me that he may have met someone that he can really love and commit to - but as my therapist says - the EUM can never truly have a relationship.
I hate thinking of him having fun with her - being intimate with her. BUT - what does it say about this man that he CONTINUES to want time with me?
I am glad that you are in a peaceful phase right now and I hope it lasts. Be ready though for the old pattern to resurface.
We'll have to stay strong together!!!
Tracy
Hi Sherrie - I was thinking about you recently - not sure if you check this site anymore. I hope your relationship is either to your satisfaction or that you found your way out. If you receive this - just also wanted you to know that my relationship is done. He has someone new in his life and yet he still calls me and wants to see me. He won't admit that his new relationship is "the real deal". I am still hurt and feel rejected - but trying to move forward. It's very difficult
Thank you. I have been enjoying following you for some time now. This one was a home run for me. Thanks for being you and sharing with the rest of us. I'm in the final stage and it feels freaking awesome!!
Hello,
I need advice. I have been dating a man who is 16 years older then I am. I am 30. We have been dating on and off for 5 years. It's been a constant roller coaster. Lots of arguments and lot of hurt. The first 2 years if would get upset at something I would say he would go MIA, hangup on me and I found myself chasing him everytime to the point in would make myself sick. I have 2 kids. He hasn't spent much time with them and hasn't committed to me. Now when I bring an issue I have or compliant he dismisses as me nagging, being blaming and he started to get defensive and then makes himself the victim. Starts to yell and raise his voice then say I can't talk to you. Then I don't hear from him all day. I'm better because I no longer chase him. I see no future but am stuck
Thank you so very much - I am very broken right now - as you can imagine. My rationale brain knows that this is SO bad for me - but I hang on to those few happy times and hang on to them way too hard. I think I am holding on because I am older - 55, he's a young and very charismatic man. Somewhere in me I believe that I'm too old to find love again. My life in Toledo Ohio does not afford many opportunities or places to meet men of my age. I'm lonely. I guess I have taken his crumbs because I am lonely.
Thank you Angel - thank you for listening and for your wise words. I've invested my soul into this man for over six years now and detaching is extremely hard - I've always been a confident woman - but this has truly taken a toll. They "pull me close" then "push me away" dynamic is exhausting. But I still want him to want me .... how do I get past that? I feel like the rejected one.
You haven't been rejected. You're just being given the chance to see and choose better for yourself. This question you ask calls for a lot of self-reflection. Consider asking yourself why you want him to want you and be honest with yourself. Why are you giving him so much power over you? No one has power over you unless you give it to them. This is just another human being. What does he give you that you don't already have within you? Reread your initial comment. He's not giving you anything but heartache and low sense of self worth. You're allowing disrespectful treatment. Why? The time invested hurts, but doesn't matter when you suffer this much. Go inwards, find the real reasons why you're holding on to this toxic dynamic. You have the answers and the power to get yourself out of this and into a beautiful life.
It's never the rejection we think it is, Tracy, even if we can't see this at the time. We always "still want him to want me", until one day, we look out at the world, we see ourselves for who we really are for the first time in a very long time, and then we see him for the first time in a way we've never before been able to see him, and we choose ourselves instead of him.
Jane - I am a 55 year old woman who is accomplished professionally, mother to two great kids and very fit and vibrant. I met a younger man 6 years ago under rather unusual circumstances. My divorce was just final and he was in a "toxic" on and off relationship (at that time he had been with her for about 2 years). Timing was horrible but we became involved although he was still in his other relationship. This has been going on between us for SIX years. The first 4 were me really being the on and off girl on the side. I have never been in this place in any relationship in my life -yet I was so entranced with this man that I took whatever time he offered me. Over the years - his other relationship - was very off and on. When off - he would see more of me. Note - never once was there a date or outing - just a visit. When he was trying to fix things with her - I would be figuratively put on a shelf. And yes - I waited. He always came back. Two years ago she moved - seemingly ending their relationship and breaking free. I thought he'd want more with me - to give "us" a try. Yet they stayed in contact - he helped her move and over time - when she comes into town she stays with him - to this day. She only lives a couple of hours away. In the past year or so - he and I have spent more social time together (on his terms) - we have had some very nice moments where he "acted" like a boyfriend. We have much in common and have had some amazing conversations where he "let me in" and I felt very close to him. He has never met my family/friends and I have not met his. We don't have overnight visits or have ever taken a vacation together. In the recent couple of months it feels like he has been begrudgingly spending time with me - I don't feel that he is excited to me anymore - he used to be very passionate. He is not talking or sharing beyond the very basic details of the work day. A week ago we were texting on a Saturday night (as he did not want to get together) and I wondered what was going on. The content of his texts were along the lines of "not sure how I feel"...."maybe we can just get together a times"...."I'm not ending it - just need to put thing in perspective". He came to see me briefly the next day - just a sex visit and didn't want to talk about us. He has texted me a little the past week - superficial things - nothing kind or romantic or even sexy. It was VERY odd when he paid me a visit this past Saturday at 9 a.m. He didn't want to talk - he said he had a lot of errands to do and was getting an early start. He looked way too "put together" at that time of morning. My gut tells me he was going to see the ex or she was in town. I texted him Saturday night and no reply. I tried again on Sunday - with some heartfelt questions and he replied "I hope you have a good week". I understand your article and it makes sense that I have to start letting this man go - as much as my heart is invested in him. It is so raw right now that I don't even know how to get to step 1! Because right now - I miss him and I don't understand why I am not enough for him. I am very much in need of help. Thank you!
Let's reframe that last question: how and why is he enough for you?
Is this what you think you deserve? A man who gives you crumbs? Tracy, you're a fantastic woman, why are you lowering your standards like this? What exactly are you holding onto here? That's not a relationship and it's toxic. Look at what you're asking! You feel like you're not enough for him. That's all you need to see clearly to understand this is not serving you. Like Jane says "if you're not enough for him, he's definitely not enough for you". It's time for you to go inwards and find out what you're trying to give yourself through someone who gives you so little.
You're worth a hell of a lot more than this. You letting yourself be on the begging end and the "woman on the side" is quite unhealthy. Do some digging inside you. Find your worth and let go of this dynamic. Tons of love and clarity your way.
I have never met an emotionally unavailable man until recently when I started dating one. We only met and went out for a couple of months but during that time I always felt like I was doing all the work....and it was hard. I was the one to initiate dates but it had to be on his terms. Whenever I asked him to do something to invite him into my world, he always came up with an excuse as to why he couldn't do it. He wouldn't give me definite answers about whether he wanted to date me and actually turned it back on me telling me that I was being dramatic and he couldn't deal with drama in his life. He was vague, non committal, focussed mainly on sex and always searching for compliments. He wasn't interested in getting to know me and had no desire to let me into his world. He told me that he was always late, had a really bad memory and was shy as his cover up. Even in this short amount of time, I knew that I deserved someone who was chasing me and interested in getting to know me. So even though I liked him, I told him exactly what I thought of his behaviour and basically that actions speak louder than words. I miss what I thought it could have been, but am happy that I didn't let it go any further and cause more disharmony in my life.
This registered so much with me. I'm much older than him. Maybe that's why I've always made excuses for him. We met 20 years ago.....were together for a couple of years. Then I let him go so he could find his "forever" gal. He didn't. He reached out to me recently, and seemed to want me to be his unpaid prostitute. So we had some minor word tussles....and he told me he didn't want drama in his life. He also said he didn't want to put effort into a relationship that was going nowhere. He's like a drug to me, but I realize he was toxic to my happiness. I'm letting him go even though I may love him forever.
Jane, some weeks ago I had written to you about my ex who keeps giving me mixed signals. Over the a past couple weeks I have been distancing myself from him. I thought it would work and it did to a certain extent. But last night he called me up saying he wants to see me. The way he kept repeating himself made it seem like he really wanted to spend time with me. At that time I probably became weak and I felt bad for ignoring him all this time. I thought that I could try being friends with him without having any hope of getting him back. I just wanted to see if it will work out so that I don't have to keep ignoring him. And I was even happy that I was going to spend some time with him after so long. But today when I met up with him in college he just stood playing around with me for two minutes and then he told me he had to meet someone and he left. He told me he would call in a while but he didn't. This really hurt me because he made me think that he really wanted to spend time with me. I knew he was busy but if he wanted to see me that bad then couldn't he have spared at least five minutes to sit down with me? Or couldn't he have called like he said he would? At least I learned that I can't go along with being friends with him but I feel bad that I always end up believing what he says. Somewhere deep down I was hoping that he would change and start treating me better but today I realised that he's still the same and probably he'll never change because this is the real him. I know I shouldn't keep wanting him to change but I just can't help it. Later I texted him saying that next time he shouldn't call and ask to see me if he can't even spare 5 minutes for me. He then called me after some time but I didn't pick. And now I don't know where to go from here. Do you think I made a small issue into a big deal? Should I let go of him completely by not answering his calls and not seeing him at all? But then again I wonder if that will be too harsh for this incident. I have given him so many chances but he always lets me down. It's probably because what he thinks of a situation is completely different from what I expect. And that is why even this time he won't really understand why I got mad at him. So I don't blame him for what he did. But I really don't know what to do with him and our situation any more.
Wow, this describes so perfectly what I've just been through over the past 1.5 years with a relationship-phobic man. It is truly a process and takes time to get there. At the start, I felt rumblings of dissatisfaction but was so afraid of losing the most incredible love I'd ever felt. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. But here I am, stronger than ever, loving myself and not wanting him in my life anymore. I still love him and a part of me always will, but the way he treated me, the lack of loving behaviors, just became intolerable. A few statements he made in a text conversation just made me snap and realize that I absolutely could not love myself and have this garbage in my life anymore. I completely blocked him to make way for the relationship that I deserve. I feel so empowered. I know without a doubt that a new and better relationship is coming, because when we love ourselves, the universe brings people to us who reflect that love right back.
So glad you feel so empowered, Katherine. You've just crossed over into that beautiful place where you can see the great things that caused you to fall in love with him in the first place, but where you can recognize that you are the one doing the choosing here and if he doesn't want the same kind of relationship you do, then nothing else really matters.
"I know without a doubt that a new and better relationship is coming, because when we love ourselves, the universe brings people to us who reflect that love right back." - Yes, oh yes, this is exactly how real love happens!
Dear Jane, (just saying that makes me feel like singing the song!)
So refreshing to read articles and comments on your website. Makes me feel understood. Allows me to accept were I am at in the process of breaking free and that it is following its course at a pace set by my emotional capabilities. I am breaking free while carefully balancing the pain of loss for a potential loving relationship with the gain of restoring faith in myself. Faith in that my needs are those of a mature, stable, independent loving woman. Because let's be very honest here, when you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, it does not take long for you do wonder if you are not too needy or of the anxious attachment type. In fact, I did start to act like an anxious-worried type. Just writing this gives me shivers: how a distant, guarded and unemotional man affected my behavior in a way that was not mine. And from what I read and studied lately, he was a mild case. My heart goes out to those women who have suffered more deeply than I did.
When I attempted to know him by asking very simple questions, I would get a one word answer. When I would ask why he did not like talking about himself, he would answer that there is nothing to say. When I would reply lovingly that I am interested in him and what made him who he is, he would reply that it was unnecessary. After 14 months of "committed" time together, trying to find out what is short term goals for our relationships are or what he wants out of our relationship left me feeling like I was weightless - in a bad way - nothing to hold onto, just floating in space. I use commas around the word committed because the appropriate term should be monogamous as there were so many factors included in commitment that were not present. I believe the utmost hurtful feeling that progressively crept in on me is the one where I realized that the person whom I was so interest in had a very limited interest in knowing me. Ouch! That hurts badly. Never any questions on how I am doing, how was it for me to go through different challenges in life and etc… The lack of emotional connection slowly becomes evident. After each time spent together, I could not help to think that the relationship was superficial and that every conversation resembled small talk. I started to bottle up my feelings (good and bad) because I knew, instinctively, that how I felt had no impact on him. But I hoped. I attached a lot of importance to those very few moments when, after drinking just enough to inhibit the ever constantly present control he had on himself, he would tell me that he loves me, would kiss me constantly and hold me close. Could the wall eventually be lowered? Because if it did, all of the wonderful qualities he possessed combined to the new open to learning and sharing man would certainly make for a great relationship. The wall would not come down while I stayed and I knew that much.
I have recently changed my ways. I am back to my authentic, heart on my sleeve, giving, loving and caring self. That makes him very uncomfortable. The point is not to see him uncomfortable, it is to show myself that if I had stick to my beliefs and values from the very beginning, established healthy boundaries based on my oh so normal needs, the relationship would have not progressed and he would have gone his merry way, just like I see he is going to do shortly. I have chosen myself and I know the payoff will be substantial.
Much love, Nylea
I felt everything you wrote here, Nylea. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's inspiring to walk through it with you. As you're seeing this so clearly for what it is, and what it isn't. What he is capable of and what he isn't. "Could the wall eventually be lowered?" It's the question that we all ask, that we all want to know. It's what keeps us staying so very long. And yet in your finding the answer to this - the only answer there ever is if we're open to seeing that - you've stated both sides of that reality so clearly. Yes, it would make for a phenomenal relationship, but no, you can't be the only one who makes it that. "Because if it did, all of the wonderful qualities he possessed combined to the new open to learning and sharing man would certainly make for a great relationship. The wall would not come down while I stayed and I knew that much."
"The point is not to see him uncomfortable, it is to show myself that if I had stick to my beliefs and values from the very beginning, established healthy boundaries based on my oh so normal needs, the relationship would have not progressed and he would have gone his merry way, just like I see he is going to do shortly. I have chosen myself and I know the payoff will be substantial." - Beautifully - and so truthfully! - said.
Hi Jayne,
thanks so much for this article and describing the steps to break free from an emotionally detached relationship.
I am 57 years of age and I had been on my own for over 20 years, having brought up my two children on my own.
I was so distraught the way my ex husband left me for another woman when my children were babies that I had put up a barrier against meeting anyone or ever opening up to anyone.
Over the years I turned to drink to help me with the feelings of lonliness and abandonment - but I found AA and was lucky enough to find sobriety too.
That was over ten years ago and my life began to change. I met a man 3 years ago and as my family have now moved out I decided to take a risk with him and let himinto my life.
I am devastated that I have given him my heart, time and future dreams as he has been playing me all the way.
He told me to get rid of my cats (5 and 4) because of his allergy. I loved them so much but thought I had to sacrifice them if he was ever to move in with me.
We got engaged but after one excuse and then another he says he does not want to move in with me but wants me to sell my house and buy another for us both. He is in rented accommodation so he doesn't have any deposit either.
I was still willing to do that and then he changed jobs and I hardly see him - and when I do its always when HE wants to meet up.
I just feel so let down, old and lonely and that this was my last chance of love and being with someone.
I read your article with great interest but fear is holding me back from letting him go. What if I regret it (as I have done twice before), what if he changes and I have let him go too soon......what if I end up depressed and miserable.....
Please help me as I feel so alone and that I have wasted a good part of my life now.
Yours, Keyden
You're a courageous, strong woman, Keyden. Look at what you've done in spite of what you've been through! It's only your beliefs about love and what it should be like and what you should that keeps you believing you have to be and do something to make it happen. What if he changes and you've let him go too soon? Then you'll be the first to know. How could he change and not let you know? How could he get there and not want you to be the first to know? If it's love. If he's truly right for you.
He's made his terms clear; but what about your own terms, Keyden? Define what you want, what you deserve, what you can live with and what you can't, and live your own beautiful life. If you're not ready to let him go, then don't. But live, live and live some more! Create that life that you deserve. Find the people who adore you, who accept you just the way you are. Don't go down to his terms, make him step up to yours. You are so much stronger than you think!
I just wanted to share mt story. My heart is so heavy and I'm stuck in love with someone who's openly admitted to being emotionally unavailable:'( I was in an emotionally dead marriage wgen I met him. My husband and I decided to have an open marriage and that's how I met what I thought was the love of my life:-(
We started off with him wanting to connect emotionally and told me he was in love with me and I fell in love with him. We saw each other as often as we could for 8 months. I knew it would end but never expected the after effects. Let's just say it ruined my life. I couldn't let go. I couldn't love anyone else either including my now ex husband.
It's been 4 years of my life and he still comes in and out every year or so. I'm still madly in love with him but have realized he's always got some excuse about why we can't be together. He's also told me due to his own circumstances that he's not emotionally available and not looking for any relationship.
My heart breaks because I know his walls are up and his past wounds are deep and I can't change any of that for him unless he will let me in and try. But he refuses! I thought there was something special between us, but if he's able to just sit back and gamble away my love for him, I guess it's not what I thought. Selfishly he still wants to be friends with me, which of course leaves the door open for him. However, this closes my emotions for anyone elses and now I live like him. Sheltered from love and affection because I only want him.
My life as I knew it is gone. I am not able to re-establish anything that I used to have because everything's changed. I live alone and spend most of my time not even happy at work. Friendships with anyone have always been difficult for me. Lol and the only one who wants to be my friend is very distant and I'm in love with.
I'm not sure what to do at this point of my relationship with him. I know more than likely he'll never come around. I'm left to believe my own fairytale.
"I'm left to believe my own fairytale" - Exactly, Wendy; you've called this one well. Listen to his words. Believe him. You deserve so much more than this! But until you, yourself, believe that you do, you will always have a reason to hang on, to hope, to try, to forget that you have a beautiful life of your own to live. You can change this, but you first have to want to. What happens next is the real life part that's entirely up to you.
YES YES YES WOHOO!! I BROKE FREE. I STOOD UP FOR WHAT I WANTED AND BROKE FREE
Feel that freedom in every part of your being, MB; that's you!
After my divorce- I decided to wait a few years before actually getting myself into yet another failed relationship. This "man" pulled every trick on the book. I had my own business and some sense of independence. Four years later I ended up losing everything- the business, my home, my money and most importantly myself.
I was humiliated/cheated on/ lied to even physically abused. No matter how much my friends tried to get me to leave the relationship (if that's what you can call it) I was not able to walk away. The verbal abuse was not new to me unfortunately (the person I was married to would always put me down).
Both of these "men" called me years after breaking up to "apologize" for all I did to them. At this point in my life I do not care what they think it was I did to them; because I am free. At least I am free from them
I was recently told... "Look I am emotionally unavailable." by a guy I really respected and liked. We went out a few times for drinks and dinner, he travels a lot and works non-stop. While I was not looking to make him a husband or a boyfriend I enjoyed his company. Whenever I would show interest in him or any gesture of "CARING" about him or for him. He would always shut me down ie: He did not like the idea of me cooking for him. He gave me this speech on how he does not want to make any woman feel like a maid.
He would often remind me that we were not dating, suggesting that I go out and have fun with others. Comparing himself with other men and pointing out his flaws; not sure if he would do this to fetch for compliments. Until now I did not see how I was closing my eyes to what was really going on. This has not been the first time I've been with so called "Emotionally Unavailable" men (more like "Unavailable" to me)
I feel confused and lost!!! I've spent the last 6 years literally chasing men. After my divorce in 08 life changed, life happened. How to fix this??? I don't even want to talk about my last 4.5 year long failure of a relationship.
It's going to feel strange, Marisela. Uncomfortable and confusing and all kinds of things. There will be a part of you that will want to go back to what you know so well. But if you can stay with that uncomfortable long enough, the freedom will come. To be you. To let someone come to you for a change. To be loved for who you are. There's going to be growing pains when we wake up and realize we've spent years of our lives chasing after men who were never the ones for us in the first place.
Start with you, focusing on who you are, and what you want to do. Create the life of your dreams and make it so full that whatever someone else decides to do or not to do doesn't matter as much as your own happiness and peace of mind. And then stop chasing anyone. It's not what you were made for. You're the loving kind, not the chasing kind. And you've already completed the most difficult step of all; seeing it for what it is. You deserve so much more!
I'm so sorry, Marisela. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I see myself all over your comment. After being slapped and shaken for like the 12th time in my life by this kind of situation, reading your comment it is so clear to me. I know you feel lost and confused, but situation is clear. We do this to ourselves. We think men are like us: we think they try to fish for compliments but that's more what a woman does; we ask everyone what it means when he says " I don't want a relationship " when it means just exactly that. Men don't talk in code, they say what they mean and their actions are louder than everything else. He was just letting you know you were not the one for him. Which only means he only cannot be the one for you. Cut contact with him, it is for the best and try to figure out what's going on inside you that's causing you to chase men like me. We have to break this pattern, whatever it takes. We have to get through this. Big hug to you
Love this! Its amazing how you're able to ready my life like this! I am somewhere between stages 3 and 4. I'm now just trying to accept that I will never get closure from him, but I do know that I deserve more and that I wont be going back. Luckily we dont live in the same state so there's not chance of me running into him around town. But we are from the same small town so there is a chance that I will run into during the holidays. I will know then if I'm in stage 4 or not. I have to be honest and say that I wont know until I lay eyes on him.
So glad this resonated with you, Amber! There's a previous post I wrote about why looking to someone else for our own closure rarely gets us what we want, so if you haven't already read it, you may find it helpful. Knowing that you deserve more is how you find exactly that!
Greetings Jane
Give Thanks For The Breath Of Life Today In Every Way.
Sending strength and courage to those who feel so weak and tired.
Today I Am 1 Perfect Love....Sharri
Dear Jane,
Great article!
I do find it hard that breaking my habit in dating man that are not ready.
I have kind of a issue with girl friends. Now I used to find it interesting dating these
Kind of man. And listening to these storys from friends.
But because I believe there are good man and I am now npt dating for a month.
My friends are like ; well why don you date , what does it matter if the guy is not emotional ready.
When I say i don think for me that is healthy, they react if i am too picky or crazy..
I really believe now that there are healthy man , only I have to meet them.
How not to get irritaded and distracted by some friends ? keep the confindence, that there is a
Healthy man out there. That not everybody wants games and only phisial attention.
I really am open for a partner, and hope to share my life with . And who knows more, like kids etc.
I think true joy is in this.
Thank you, Maris! Let your friends be who they are with the light that they have and allow you to be where you are. It's ok to have differing views, to let each of you be at different places in your journey unless it becomes unloving to you. So many of us were brought up to be afraid of differences, or to take on the role of trying to make everything harmonious and the same, but real life rarely works that way. Don't let anyone change you, Maris. You're a beautiful, strong soul who's seeing things so much clearer all the time. It's what I talked about not being afraid of the "going through". We're all on our own journeys and what's right for you might not be right for someone else. Don't take on what isn't yours. Very few people can see things the way you do! 🙂
I can't break free, I touch him and I want more. This has been going on for 6 years. He plays with me emotionally, makes promises and then doesn't keep them. Says one thing in the morning and another at night. Right now he's on an internet dating service testing, and he joined it behind my back. He told me in the morning he deleted all the messages, and then he's back on at night. Of course, he got sex from me in between. I have to get stronger to pull away from him emotionally. It's taking too long.
I so hear you, Gayle. Just a little taste and we're left wanting so much more, imagining in our minds all the potential of what could be, when it's never up to us. Six years is a very long time to live like this. You deserve so much more than this, but until you're ready, don't beat yourself up for where you are. When you align with yourself and put yourself and your well-being and happiness first - before anyone regardless of who they are, you will naturally become stronger. It's not selfish. It's only our programming that has us settling for the crumbs that we do, all in the name of what we've learned to call love.
Thank you for confirming the process. Leaving him. Allowing my path to illuminate to rendevous with my great love of my life/my husband. I deserve it!
I wrote this several years ago on my "Chivalry in a Changing World" Facebook community. You will ALL get a glimpse from the "other side":
I often use the phrase, "...you're either part of the solution, or part of the problem..."
I rarely find someone that has EVER been alone for a good amount of time...enough to observe other relationships...the mistakes your friends make that you can NOW see because you're alone and without a man...the time that helps you grow and meet your own needs in healthful ways WITHOUT a man because you have no choice. You have no choice because you're committed to NOT compromising.
Men learn that there are plenty of women out there willing to compromise. How do they learn this? From other women that do...DON'T BE ONE! Being one makes you part of the problem. Wouldn't it be nice to wash your hands clean and say, "I'm not a contributor to the creation of poor minded men."? I've watched some of you women. You purposely pick men with problems and insecurities because this makes your insecurities acceptable. You know he's not smart enough to challenge them...and he won't make you feel judged but loved and accepted for who you are. So you think you'll just get with him and you'll both magically mature together and you use the cliche, "No one's perfect." No one is of course so let's just throw the baby out with the bath water shall we?
The same God that made you knows what you're worth but you don't or care to know because you'll settle for anything that makes you feel better than being alone.
Sorry...It doesn't work that way...you're paddling upstream...you're safe now that you have a boat to keep from getting wet but asking why do I have to keep paddling? Where's the rest stop?
You and I know there was always that GUT INSTINCT telling you something is wrong by jumping in because this is just life and other girls go through it. That's just cold feet. Every girl gets that. No. You girls have that special 'sense' when it comes to men that you think is just a burden...a little angel that keeps you from having fun. But it's not because you're saying, "I just KNEW..." or "I should have listened...".
Being alone is good but being lonely is NEVER good. Being in a relationship can make you actually more lonely because you thought you would have your needs met. You raised your expectations so now you're even more let down. Being alone for a LONG time is positive reinforcement to find happiness and content so that when YOU DO find a man worthy, the SMALLEST thing he does is now BIG.
The title of this article really bothers me. Not because the content isn't good. It's very good.
It bothers me that women aren't seeing this in men in the very early stages of getting acquinted. If you have to resort to the wonderful steps given in this article, you still failed to look for "tell-tale" red flags. I don't understand. I see the red flags quickly for my female acquaintances yet it takes them a much longer time.
I guess the "need to be needed" is so strong and powerful that logic isn't applied.
Hi Michael, it is always easy when you are knowledgeable and from the outside. But you are right. When people have needs that are strong, they get clouded and fail to see the signs. That and all the underlying issues every person has makes it more complicated than we'd like it to be.
Another thing is, scientifically or in terms of biology, men and women react differently to the same scenarios more often than not. Women's brain works in a way that makes us feel as though everything a man does is personal, when men are thinking completely different things. I have been reading a lot on the subject and I definitely see where both genders misunderstand the other and that's just one of the many reasons all these situations evolve. I am not very eloquent in putting here some of that info. But I can assure you, for a woman it will always look different from what it looks like for a man.
By the way, I like the fact that you participate in the forum. Thank you for adding your perspective. It is great to see male perspective in these topics. It is always helpful.
Sure...I took a hiatus from Jane's page here and used to comment regularly. You're not JUST getting a "man's point of view" because that can be subjective and vary. You are getting the view of an unbias mature and wise man that has spent years observing rather than inside pain, suffering and enduring from these mistakes. I live by extreme abstinence and wisdom. I was also mentored as a young adult by mature "still-married" couples for the purpose of marriage, family and fidelity...and NOT JUST male mentors. I just notes from one of my articles much like this one. GO READ IT please.
A man may come open, willing, loving and free, at first. He may pull up to the curb in a comfortable vehicle we call love and invite her to step in for a ride because there is nothing at stake in the outset. He has no fear of intimacy at this beginning. He may even believe it will be different this time. Then, as emotional exchange takes place and closeness develops, he retracts, fear takes the wheel and the trip takes a detour. It is very difficult for a woman who was riding along on such an open and loving drive to realize that a detour has been taken and when we do, it is pretty tough to get out of the moving vehicle because we were all in.
I had also been seeing a separeted man for 9 months, things were great although there were signs from the start his x wife would cause issues. She confronted us on the beach one day after a month and hit him. Took money from him.
Then his 2 kids started playing up, one stole from my partner and hit him. This caused us problems I felt neglected which in turn caused me to argue with him. The last time we saw each other we had huge fight very nasty after his x wife started texting me. She was repeating personal conversations we had. We were meant to go on a holiday the following week and he cancelled. I have never heard from him again. This was 6 weeks ago. I am so down and feel like this is all my fault for arguing as he said 'its not working, we keep arguing'
Lisa,
Just like I strongly advise women against dating divorced men...I EVEN STRONGER ADVISE AGAINST SEPARATED MEN. Once I saw the word "...separated..." I didn't even need to read the rest.
Hi Michael,
I would like to ask why you advice against divorced men. It would be great to know what your thoughts about that are.
Thank you in advance
Here's a few:
1. You never really divorce. There's always a lot of their emotions still invested in their ex-wife. They will say it's over but it's not. If they have children then that's a whole other problem.
2. You can struggle with feelings of being "second best" no matter how much he makes you feel special. You don't need to in your mind.
3. They are OFTEN emotionally unavailable because of the divorce and all they invested.
* SECOND AND BEYOND MARRIAGE ALSO HAVE HIGHER RATE OF DIVORCE because HE had too many unresolved issues before even his first marriage and YOU are not the fix 😉
i started arguing with him a lot due to the constant interruptions from his x and his kids playing up.
he blamed me for our fights but it was only over his baggage.
Lisa,
You just reaffirmed what I believe and what I teach/train to men. Nothing bothers me more than when I come across people that say, "...everyone has baggage..." So I guess I should just compromise and invite anyone into my life? Throw the baby out with the bathwater?
I tell women there's a big difference between a Coach or Prada clutch and a used Sears 6 piece travel set.
The SAME WOMEN that call me judgmental and harsh are just like you...but do NOT come back and confess I was right with examples like what has occurred with you and your situation.
This came in my email yesterday but I wasn't in a mood to handle anything extra. But I read it and Man, it might as well have been a Fortune cookie. Yesterday, was my l late mother's birthday as well as the last anniversary of my "marriage" to my emotional abuser. We are divorcing and yesterday was when I very publicly shared on FB what had REALLY been happening and why we REALLY were divorcing, because he has been attempting to ruin my reputation and my silence was eating away at me. So, though I had somehow acknowledged all of the truths as well as the insight for each, I just found it profound that this email linked up with me when it did. Since there are no true coincidences it was a powerful affirmation. Thank you.
Jane, is "not having received enough love in our childhood from our parents" part of the answers for many of us, especially to me and to Angel? Please tell me how great is the influence of this lack of love on our women's love life ? I know you have tackled this issue in many of your posts. I think this is what you call "a pattern" of love that we got used to : if we haven't received enough love, we grow with the idea that this is the normal, regular thing that we deserve, this is how love is supposed to feel like. Isn't it ? Please tell me again, Jane..
Exactly, Julia - "... if we haven't received enough love, we grow with the idea that this is the normal, regular thing that we deserve, this is how love is supposed to feel like". I go into this in much more detail in a previous post I wrote about the father-daughter relationship. Just let me know if you need me to clarify this further 🙂
So glad the timing of this email resonated so much with where you're at and what you're going through, Yaasmeen. "Since there are no true coincidences it was a powerful affirmation." - I couldn't agree more!
Hello Jane,
Thank you so much for what you are doing. I believe am in stage two right now and know that I will be at stage three soon. God bless you.
Thank you, Pamela. In your own time, you can know that you absolutely will be!
Thank you so much Jane these e-mails really give me hope, day 2 of the break up and still not easy but I realize that it's better to be lonely alone then being lonely while with someone..I think also accepting the void in my present situation gives me proper room for my healing...better things ahead ladies
Exactly, Dineo! You've got this! 🙂
I've been dating a divorced gut for almost 10 months. Still no I love you. Do I need to be more patient? Do I tell him first? Help please
Can you tell he loves you by his actions, Erin? Does he give you every reason to believe he does, but he just isn't comfortable with saying the words? It's not about being patient or telling him first just to hear him say it back, it's about what else is going on between the two of you. As a general rule, if you're not sure where he stands, and if you have to ask him how he feels, you already have your answer; that he's not on the same page as you. But only you know for sure. Only you know him, and only you know yourself.
Thanks Jane. My boyfriends divorce was final only a few months before we started dating. We became official within a couple months. We both have a daughter his 6 mine 8. We started getting them together for play dates. We make it all about them. We do all fun things together. He took us on vacation too. 10 months later and we share just friends as far as the kids know. Even though they know. His daughter asked me to marry her daddy some day. I'm crazy about him. I feel he is a little insecure. He's never talked about future with me. He told me from the beginning he had to go slow. I have a strong feelings for this man. I feel I've rushed past relationship and they were awful. I want to do it right this time. I don't know what's normal. He's met my family came to 4 cookouts over the summer. I went to one of his
Met only 1 side of his family. I need some guidance. I've been respecting him with going slow. When should change happen? What's normal. Please help.
Here's a few why dating a divorced man is a BAD idea:
1. You never really divorce. There's always a lot of their emotions still invested in their ex-wife. They will say it's over but it's not. If they have children then that's a whole other problem.
2. You can struggle with feelings of being "second best" no matter how much he makes you feel special. You don't need to in your mind.
3. They are OFTEN emotionally unavailable because of the divorce and all they invested.
* SECOND AND BEYOND MARRIAGE ALSO HAVE HIGHER RATE OF DIVORCE because HE had too many unresolved issues before even his first marriage and YOU are not the fix 😉
Those are really good points. Thank you. I had never thought of that, but I'm pretty sure there's truth to that.
I haven't dated divorced or separated men, but I'll keep that in mind if I ever meet one.
I love this!! Can you please share red flags of an emotionaly unavailable man please. Thanks
He keeps you at an emotional distance, Erin. He doesn't give too much of himself emotionally. He doesn't let you too far into his life and world. He doesn't share himself with you on an emotional level. You don't feel like you know where you stand with him. When you try to talk to him, he puts the "problem" on you so he doesn't have to deal with it or take responsibility for it himself. He's hard to pin down and figure out. He values his freedom and independence and space above almost everything else. He gives you the feeling he can take or leave you - because he can.
These are just some of the typical characteristics of the emotionally unavailable man. I've written and received so many comments on this topic, you can get a clearer picture of what we're talking about here by doing a search for the words "emotionally unavailable" in the search box on this website and clicking on the many posts that come up. Hope this helps!
I hope you see this, Jane. You are spot on in your description of my ex girlfriend or ex friend here. And when I combine the cruel and hateful things she said and did, it really shows the state I was in at the time....wanting to do anything and ignore anything...in order to make it work with her. Plus,I had put her so high on a pedestal, it made denial almost a certainty.
Jane,
All I can really say is Thank you...
This means so much because I have been trying so hard to reconcile with my husband who I've been seperated from for more than a year. He has been coming and going and I think its time to stop trying. My mind feels so chaotic when he comes around and I immediately have anxiety attacks. Why? I question myself.,I then start to see that he doesn't want to fight like I do. Your emails have been so helpful and I am grateful. He's torn between me and the other woman and now I feel like the other woman...insane!
You're so welcome, RubyJuly! I'm so glad these emails are helping you see this more clearly for yourself; it's the only way we get to where we want to be!
Greetings KIM
Right on! Lioness ROARRRR!!!
Hi Jane,
Thank you for another powerful post that resonates so loudly with me. As I continue to heal and grow, one of the questions that I've been asking myself and digging deep inside for honest answers is "What was I getting out of those failed relationships by keeping things the way they were for so long?"
It's a difficult question because it brings up emotions and a reality that isn't easy to admit to, but I was also a willing participant to stay with men who weren't emotionally available, who treated me in ways that were well beneath what I (or anyone else) deserved.
But what was my role in that? What was I getting by keeping things that way?
I can admit now that a big part of it was that by staying with unavailable men, I was able to stay at the surface of my own emotions and in some ways it was easier at that time in my life to sort of role play a relationship instead of having a real one. I never would have acknowledged or admitted that then, but I see it so clearly now.
And what I also see so clearly now is that each of those unavailable men came into my life for a reason, which was a lesson and a chance for me to grow and heal. The last guy I was with was the impetus for me to completely break open and it's only since then that I can truly say I've begun to heal.
To your point it can be two steps forward and one step back....I definitely have my moments and days when I feel like I'm regressing, but I am so much healthier and stronger than I was just 6 months ago. I now look back on the men who didn't treat me well and/or were unavailable and I now have compassion for them. I don't excuse their behavior, but I think the way they made me feel was a reflection of how they felt about themselves and I can see things through a very different lens now.
Thanks Jane!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Kim! And how beautiful that you're seeing how far you've come, because you have come so far! It's that different lens that you're open to that makes all the difference in where you go from here. And asking those deep questions like you are that bring up all the emotions and doses of real-life reality that it can sometimes seem so much easier to hide from, is how you get to the real, rich part of what this is really about for you. Accept and love yourself through those two steps forward one step back patterns - it's how we stretch, it's how we grow. Not on anyone else's timeline; but on your own.
Oooo Yes. That spoke to my soul honey. I'm going through it now. Been dealing with it for the last few months.
It's clear to me that this guy has been using me for what he can get out of me. He has never initiated a date. He only comes to my house or used to invite me over to his when he wanted sex from me.
He refuses to show me any public affection or even acknowledge our romantic relationship. The other day he referred to it as "other stuff" because we were supposed to be working together as well.
He told me he was in love with his ex-girlfriend, mother of his children. I know he's seeing other women and sleeping with them too.
He told me twice he was not ready for a relationship, well not with me.
I've seen Facebook photos of him up on another woman the same night he was supposed to be coming to see me.
When he makes plans, I'm always anxious because I know there's a possibility he may change plans or pull out on me.
He's a very selfish lover and is normally out only for himself.
He disappears for days at a time. He is rude and very dismissive of my feelings.
He has serious issues with his mother.
Once when we were in public, not in front of anyone, I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. Hard.
He is EXTREME hot and cold. Some days I have no idea who I'm talking to.
He texts other females right in front of me and even walked into my house one day talking to one.
He can be super secretive and won't tell me what he's up to most of the time. I'm always assuming and paranoid that it's another female.
But with all of that, I still have a hard time cutting away. Every day I wake up is a struggle.
I've lost a significant amount of weight. I can't sleep. And some days I can't get out of my head why he does not want me. Who is the other female, and I know there's another female, he's dealing with instead of me. Because if he's not sleeping with me, he's sleeping with someone. He's told me many stories of women he's wronged in the past. Every story he makes himself look like the woman was just chasing after him and he seems to have no sort of remorse for how he made someone feel.
Despite all of the evidence, his bad behavior, all of the videos I've watched, the books I've read, the worksheets about myself I've done, there's still a hold there.
I guess it's super difficult coming to grips with the fact that the person you loved, never loved you at all. That you were duped into an obvious BS arrangement. That a person could have such a disregard for you and your feelings despite how wonderful you are.
I started beating myself up about my weight. Comparing myself to women who I thought may have been his type instead of me.
I couldn't understand that if he talked to me about all of the girlfriends he's had in the past, howcome he wasn't willing to make me one of them. What was so wrong with me. Is he ashamed of me. Is he involved with someone else.
He even flirted with other women right in front of me.
I stayed away from the dating scene for years because I dealt with a situation just like this one for over a year with a guy who did similar things. I just see this particular one more often and he has done some nice things for me. He is the first and only guy I've ever told I love you too and he also said it to me.
I guess I can't accept that it wasn't real at all. I thought I knew better. I told myself I took a five year break from men altogether to come back and make the same mistakes. I played this one, I thought, carefully. And I guess letting this one go proves I still did not get anything out of that long break I took. I want children and a family and I don't have time to take those kinds of breaks again.
I know in my heart, having any kind of relationship with this guy wouldn't work. But my heart and mind are not in sync. I know better. Everytime I get ready to tell him goodbye or I tell myself not to answer, not to call. This seemingly uncontrollable urge comes over me to call him. Just if I could hear his voice it would soothe the pain. But I just keep going though this over and over and over and over again.
You'll get there, WiseChick. Baby steps are what our hearts and minds need to align together. It's why if you so need to hear his voice, then allow yourself that simple pleasure, because when you hear it and it says the same things it always has - false promises, empty word, more of the same - you'll come to see him more for what he is, and what he isn't, and what he can't give you. You're worth so much more than this. And it's because you know this the struggle continues. Don't fight it; it's part of the going through!
spot on Jane definitely true and resonates with my real life story...so i'm not the only one then?
So not the only one, Susan! You're never alone in what you're going through, no matter how alone it can seem. We're all at different places on the same journey, beginning with "how can I get him to ...?" and ending in "it's not my role to change anyone except myself and the way I live my life." There is so much more to life than this!
Greetings Jane
Yes!!!!!!! It feels so amazing living free.
Free of confusion.
Free of turmoil.
Free of sadness.
1Love, Sharri
So glad, Sharri. So happy for you to feel free like this; the way life is meant to be!
I am going through the second stage i believe...Im so upset that I allow myself to be involved with the unavailable man. I have just been disappeared on for the Second time by the same man !!! I mean completely gone without a trace...I love you madly one day and poof no phone call no text no nothing AGAIN!!!...I am upset that I allowed this to happen to me again....and I still have the desire to contact him and try to make it work!! I am really a jacked up mess but I must say I have stuck to my guns and not contacted him in any way since he blew me off this time. I disappeared on him cause I could see the writing on the wall....I dont know if he will notice that I disappeared but I WILL!! and thats how I know im evolving even though it sure doesnt feel like it. I know this will pass but I have the responsibility to look out for myself, if I do not, I will stay on this merry go round for God knows how long....anyway Im healing and I thank you Jane for the enouragement & love....& I hope to bwe healthly enough one day to find true love.
You will, Joanne. And you're not a mess; you're a beautiful human being with so much to offer, so much to give someone who is truly worthy of you! We can all get so caught up in trying to make it work that we forget to check in with ourselves to see what exactly there is to work on if you're the only one who's willing. Stay with yourself through this; be loving and forgiving and compassionate with yourself and you'll get through this one, too. "I don't know if he will notice that I disappeared but I WILL!" - and that's the whole point. Not what he notices or does or doesn't do, but what you notice and what you do or don't do for you. You're seeing this with such great insight, Joanne; be so proud of yourself for how far you've come already!
I am in the process of letting go of a toxic and energy depleting relationship with a man who has narcissistic tendencies.I have for the past few days, just out of the blue, realized that my efforts, love and willingness to work on whatever is bad in the relationship will not make a difference. It is funny, because right now he has no clue that I am feeling this way, or again he may, but right now it makes no difference to me. I am seeing this so much clearly now, and I have a sense of peace within. I no longer care what happens to the relationship, I care more about me. He has been calling me everyday, sending me text messages probably thinking I am going to respond like I normally do, but so far the calls and the texts messages go unanswered by me simply because I no longer care. I don't care to explain why I have not answered, I no longer care what he may think, I no longer care how he interprets any thing from me right now. I feel only the courage to do what I am doing. I am doing me. Jane this article is just what I needed today. Today I truly believe I am finally breaking free!!!
That is so great, Marie!!! I am so glad you have the courage to walk away. Good for you and keep it up! I wish I could say the same for me. When it comes to walking away, I usually need to be shaken badly to wake up and do the walking. Sometimes I wish I could make myself not care whatsoever.
I'm going through a break up because of such a man in my life who was on and off on me, I finally took a step to let go of all the dissapointments, the heartache n the toxics of the relationship. I ended it yesterday n I feel like crap right now so much that a part of me wants to go back but I know that God finally gave me the exit I always prayed for and I am not going back.
There's always those exits, Dineo. No matter how much we don't want to see them, or recognize we need to take them, they're there when we're ready to see them for what they are. You matter so much more than anything else!
Hi dineo
It feels like crap now be ause you are going through a detox period and yes it feels like hell
But don't give up! Hang in there and live and nurture yourself as much as possible
Start investing in yourself now. In 3-4 weeks you will start to feel a whole lot better as long as there is no contact
In time you will see how much better off you are without this toxic person in your life
Love and blessings
Rosy
Hang in there Marie get away from him run as fast as you can
Just have a look at NPD On the website naracisstic personality disorder
He will pursue you hard right about now he will not like to be ignored
Run run run don't let him back in Marie be strong and keep lloving yoursel more than anything
Soon he will realise and find another who will feed his narcissism
all the best
Rosy
After a leaving my abusive husband of 27 years I met an emotionally unavailable man. I didn't know what that meant at the time but I ALWAYS felt unsure. He blew hot/cold..future faked, rationed out sex spairingly, no affection. heck, he never even complimented me. We dated for 4 months, seeing each other once every 2 weeks and it was usually at my request. I'll never forget the day I was sitting on the couch with him and leaned over to kiss his cheek and he pushed me back. He told me "the reason nothings going to happen is I just don't feel a spark". I don't feel anything. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt. I left his house that evening and cut off all contact. It took a while but I got over him but I always felt like it was something about me. Fast forward to this past July. He pops up in my inbox as if nothing ever happened. Was my ego screaming Yess!! of course. Was I cautious and observant of his behavior,..absolutely! Once again, he continued with the hot/cold ambivalent distant behavior. Only this time, I observed and responded accordingly. I googled Emotional Unavailability and BAM! That was who he was. Classic case! but I also discovered that I have unavailability issues myself. Only now, I recognize it for what it truly was. I sent him a goodbye email, closed that door and am working on becoming emotionally available myself.
Oh, my goodness reading all of these replies makes me feel so hopeless that this world is filled with so many cold hearted game playing men. After my last relationship ended in hearbreak because the guy was a workaholic who put his work and his kids above all else, I have been online dating. I have finally met a guy who I feel excited about. We've had four dates so far which I thought was a good sign that he kept in touch and kept asking me back out. On our last date he mentioned a comment when speaking about work that he has a hard time to commit. Then he caught himself and tried to explain only when it comes to work does he have a hard time to commit. Then at dinner he asked me how I liked online dating. I said it's a great way to meet people if you don't meet many people at work, etc. He said it was tough because you are constantly wondering if there is somebody better out there.
So the date went very nice and we had a great time and he stole a kiss from me and held my hand. I was feeling tickley sweet and was really loving his company. He made several suggestions for our next date, concerts, Oktoberfest, etc. He even mentioned his love of travel and how we should take a trip sometime. So anyway, I talked to him a couple times since that date and then he just poof disappeared. Then of course I went online and I can see he's "online now" and it just makes me so sad. So I remember that comment he made about how he can't help but wonder if there's somebody better out there. So if that's the case, I should just let this one go and forget about it.
I considered contacting him just to say hi, but why bother? Just like you say, Jane, that would be chasing him. The ball is clearly in his court since the last contact was me and he never responded back. To contact again would mean I am pursuing him which would probably further pump his ego ad leave me feeling like the beggar in the relationship. Even if he does reply and we do go out again, it would probably be the same old he wants to go out and have fun but maybe he's thinking he can do better. I don't need that!
Feeling a little deflated but I need to remember that I deserve a guy who is crazy about me, not some lukewarm guy who thinks he can do better!
Wow, that's a crappy one. I'm sorry that happened to you. But it definitely was a red flag: difficulty committing and wondering if there is someone better. Tsk tsk tsk. Sounds like a man who doesn't even know what he wants to begin with. Be thankful for finding this out now. I think that it would save you lots of tears to just plain block him and never hear from him again.
This was such a beautiful, powerful post. It really resonated with me. After three years of struggling in a relationship, I am finally at a point where I see so very clearly what was going on. I had to detach from him first in order to see it though. It took me 6 months of not seeing him at all in order to do that, but everything is clear to me now. I feel so free! Its amazing how at one point you can feel so completely in love, convincing yourself that all the struggles and sacrifices are worth it "for him" and that you cant live without him to feeling so detached, so happy and to know deep down inside that you are going to have a bright future without him. Amazing what time and clarity can do!
Thanks for your articles, Jane. They are great!
"Its amazing how at one point you can feel so completely in love, convincing yourself that all the struggles and sacrifices are worth it "for him" and that you cant live without him to feeling so detached, so happy and to know deep down inside that you are going to have a bright future without him." - Exactly, Jen! And how beautifully you captured this process from your own firsthand experience! 🙂
This is one of the most beautifully written things I have read on this subject. It is very insightful and written to be very kind to both people (i loved that, thank you.). My last relationship was beautiful for 3 months and then he ended it suddenly, no warning at all. He was married for over 25 years and not quite ready for something so serious. We never fought, he was always incredibly thoughtful and giving and loving. He doesn't even fully know why. Letting him go, but understanding it's not because of something I did or didn't do is very hard I can't lie, but it is allowing me to be kind towards him, no blaming or being mad at him. He is actually a caring but imperfect and confused person just like everyone else :--) Thank you for your articles. They always help me to learn and grow.
So glad this resonated with you where you're at right now, Theresa. You're so very welcome! We all do the best we can with what we know, regardless of what that looks like in the eyes of anyone else. You've taken the beautiful high road here in your response to him; that itself will bring you through this in a way that is so much more loving and caring and compassionate towards you!
Thank you Jane. The guy I was dating just disappeared 2 weeks ago and I have not deleted him off of facebook. I have known him for many years and we decided to date 8 months ago. He is going through a stressful time and has stopped all communication with me, he just left. I refuse to be treated this way. I have not spoken to him and it is over. I just need to delete him off facebook and I have been holding on to that BUT I know that too has to go so I will delete him today to complete my moving on. Thank you
You're so welcome, Vanessa. I'm so glad this helped you to see more clearly the most loving action you could take for you!
Hi Jane, I am having a dilemma that I hope you can help me with?! This guy and I had an 11month relationship and he says this was one of the longest relationship he has been in for a while now! We were suppose to get a place together and we did but he left me high and dry with bills I can't afford now! We had a pretty much good relationship until money became involved and he almost lost his business! We went together for about 2 months after he stop helping paying for the bills! He is an introvert and has issues that he won't get help for from the time he served in the war and commitment issues! He has a new girlfriend & says its not serious but I saw her name as my baby in his phone and he sales me these hopes about you don't what might happen in the future and that we might be together one day! I love him but I don't think I can wait for him! I want to talk to him and tell him the way I feel and get my house key back that he acts like he doesn't want to give back?! I think he wants me to always be there as a default and I want to tell him that I am not about to be that and if he really wants me in his life he's going to have to work on getting me back! What should I do, help!
What difference does it make if he's serious about her or not, Gabrielle? He has a new girlfriend. Isn't that enough? You're not anyone's second choice unless you want to be. You're not anyone's "default" unless you allow yourself to be. Ask for your key back if you want it back. Tell him the way you feel if you want him to know. But above anything you can say to him, it's your actions that will tell him more than your words alone ever could. Take back your own power and be clear with yourself about what you deserve and what you don't.
It doesn't matter what his issues are; they're his, not yours. Don't take on what isn't yours. You're worth so much more than this! He knows what he's getting away with here with you. He knows what he needs to do if he wants you in his life. But is he doing anything to move in this direction? No. That's your answer. The reality of what is right there in front of you is all you need to know. If this isn't what you want the way it is right now, then no amount of potential or "what if" is going to change that. You decide. You choose. There won't be a dilemma if you allow yourself to see the reality of what is instead of the fantasy that you want it to be.
Jane you are so awsome. This us si true if what your speaking of. Only if I culd cry on your shoulder
I'm always here for you, Monique; if only with a "virtual" shoulder. So glad this is resonating with you!
There was a guy I met this time last year & I liked him so much, I wanted him so much I was so obsessed with him around last Oct & Nov n I wanted him to be part of my New Years Resolution which is getting to know him n wanting him as a BF n I posted my resolution of fb, n he deleted me on NYE n I thought to myself Did I do anything wrong?, Did I scare him away? Why did he deleted me?, I was feeling jumpy n sad n wanted him back as a friend but he declined my friend requests n idk why, I tried to come up with different strategies to win him back n everytime he declined my friend request I would have a rejected n sad look on my face n that equalled to a song Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey
On February 4 he said sorry for everything & he wanted some alone time n said at the end plz don't reply back, I know u will be upset, please don't coz nothing happened between us n so I thought messaging would be beta. So I left him alone. Gave him a simple msg on his birthday n he replied saying "thanks..." N I left him alone since 10/7/14 and plan on giving him a xmas greetings on 22/12/14 & if he hasn't added me by 9/01/15 I will add him on fb as a friend but I'm scared he's not gonna reply or accept the friend request but that's what my mind says but my heart says next year might be the year for me n him n that he will reply back, talk on fb n accept me on fb or even add me as a friend either way.
You only want someone who wants to be with you, Courtney. Remember that. You're the one doing the choosing and you're not here to be anyone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this!
Story of my life. Always chasing men who couldn't even see me or care at all about me and my feelings. It has been always tricky because they have had their charm and they seemed to know exactly how to play a woman. And I have fallen, so many times. Every. Single. Time. It took me all this time, now being 29 years old to just wake up to reality and realize that I am choosing this men because I don't believe in the core of my being that I have the right to be loved honestly, profoundly and sincerely by a healthy, caring man. There is so much going on in me, my childhood, my family, my choices. It all boils down to me being so damn fragile and so scared that I fear having an honest, committed relationship. Something of course, that I hadn't seen till now.
The last guy still has some sort of hold on me. I care about him, but now, every time I see him, I feel as if I were looking at yet another failure. I am confronted with my own feelings about myself and it hurts. Now I see less of him, because I know that is what I need. Hopefully, this time he understands that his company is just not good for me and that I can't keep coming back to try to save him, when all I get is left behind and alone in the cold, even if he doesn't realize. I still don't know when I'll break free from this. I do know, that I have some serious work to do within myself, to heal the relationship with myself. Until then, nothing will work.
In each of our own time, Angel. Don't rush it. We come to see what we need to see when we're ready. Nothing is wasted; nothing! Stay with you, with your beautiful self, and see just how far you've come! One day, one new insightful moment at a time. It seems so painstakingly slow at the time - oh how I know! - but when you look back on this time, you will see how necessary, how important each and every moment was, no matter how much we find it in the "going through"!
Hello Jane, I need your precious advice. I feel so bad :
After a one year long distance relationship, and after showing many signs of non-commitment and acting distant, a man broke up with me on facebook saying that maybe we will meet in another life when no distance shall be anymore between us. In a very poetic way. I was so hurt because we had plans to meet in different cities in the world, but in his message he made it clear that he didnt' want to make this effort anymore. I was so upset but so mad, that I didn't reply anything but blocked him immediately as a reaction to his message. My reaction was very violent, because I was so disgusted by the way he did the ending.
2 weeks later while I was still expecting something exceptional, I received a very short e-mail form him asking : "Are you ok? please give me your news". I didn't reply because I felt that he avoiding to be direct, he was only being polite without being sincere and he was acting as if nothing happened. He seemed so coward. Why would he speak so politely and so distant? Is it only because he felt guilty? I didn't reply either.
2 other weeks later he sent another mail saying almost the same thing, : "It's been a long time i haven't heard from you. I hope all is well".
Does this mean he doesn't know the reason why I blocked him? Maybe he thinks that I am the one who broke up? I am so hurt that he didn't ask a direct question in his e-mails (such as, what happened? did I upset you?, why did you block me? Is there any misunderstanding? why can't we talk? etc...). His e mails are so cold. It's been one month now without any message from him.
What should I do?
maybe he thinks I am the one who broke up?
Maybe he thinks that I am being rude (I am saying this because after he sent me his first e-mail, he closed his own facebook profile so nobody can see it anymore)
Do his e-mail mean that he really wants me back?
or do I have to wait for a clear and direct messages?
If he really wants me back is there still any chance he would still contact me even though I have blocked him ? would the blocking stop him?
You always say Jane that if he ever changes his mind, i will be the first one to know. right? Does this apply even if I have blocked him?
why do I feel that I am the one who is supposed to fix things, while he is the one who should be doing it? If he wanted to fix this, shouldn't he insist more?
Please tell me Jane. I need your wisdom. Can the other readers can give me their comments too.
Hi, Julia.
I have a question. Is this really what you want for yourself? A long distance relationship with a man that, as you said, has shown you has commitment issues? Have you ever wondered if you, yourself have any commitment issues? I am absolutely sure you want a loving, committed relationship. There's no doubt. But are you sure you are not keeping yourself from having one? Your reasons to not reply are valid. Your feelings matter and are valid. It really doesn't matter what he thinks. He broke up with you. That is all we know. Do what feels right for yourself. What brings you peace. Only you know what it is. Neither Jane nor any of us can tell you what that is. There is something I read once, I believe here on Jane's blog. Long distance relationships are usually maintained and a good choice for someone who has problems committing. I feel your anxiety from here. Different stories, but at the core same feelings. I hope everything clears up for you soon. Big hug.
Thank you so much Angela. I still need to know one thing : he sent me 2 e-mails after I blocked him, trying to resume the communication between us, I guess or trying to be polite. I keep wondering whether he wanted to fix things through these e-mails and in such case, whether I have missed the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me. How would I know what was his purpose behind sending these e-mails? Maybe he wanted to say something?
If he really wanted to say something, he would have. If I think of my own painful experiences, these guys always play the "let's be friends" card. But staying there as "friends" has always proven to be much more detrimental than the first situation to begin with. It subconsciously sends him the message that he can play you like a fiddle. I personally think you are doing great by not responding at all. That is after all what he wanted, a way out for him to say you broke it off or made it "hard". Again, do what you need to do for yourself. But if you want advice or my personal opinion, I would say: what's the point of knowing the reasons behind his follow up emails? It doesn't change the fact that it is a relationship that doesn't do you any good.
Thank you Angel, I love your replies,and the way you understand my feelings, like a good old friend. I think you are right : he is only trying to release himself from the guilt of breaking up by playing the stupid "friends card", showing that he is a "gentleman" and trying to put the blame on me. But in the meantime, I have changed, with the help of Jane's website and posts, with what I am learning from you all. I I won't let him have any hold on me anymore and I will definitely stay away from this toxic relationship. I wish I could help you too with your problems Angel ; run Angel, run. Run away from any man who doesn't make you happy and don't look back. Do this exercise and keep on reading what Jane writes. . Love and Kisses.
Thank you, Julia. You're so sweet. That's what we need to do. Help each other see the reality of it all and how wonderful we are that we need to look for our own happy lives. Tons of hugs and kisses to you. Let's keep on running towards better days and true love.
Oh my Angel
I can totally relate to you. And the steps that Jane outlines are helpful.
I became intimately involved with a male friend. Kinda entered into it knowing it was a friends with benefits kinda deal (by the way I do not recommend this type of relationship)
Unfortunately I now have become quite attached to this man, I'm falling for the idea of a life with him.
I know in my heart I deserve a much better man and life. But the little girl inside me is still afraid to be alone. My marriage was all about control and I'm proud of myself for breaking free from it four years ago.
I've been slowly seeing all the signs that tell me this relationship (can't even call it that) is all wrong.
In my mind I was thinking "if I break it off with him it could hurt him. But to hurt him would mean that he values me. But if he values me I wouldn't feel like this" I've realized that I need to be more direct and not afraid to say how I really feel and worry about the consequences. Ultimately it is i who
You'll always be the first to know, Julia, even if you block him. Because someone who's on the same page as you, who wants to be with you, won't let anything stand in his way to make sure you know. You're not here to fix anyone or anything. A relationship is about two people who both want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do what it takes to make it happen. If that isn't what you've got, you can't make this happen on your own. It has to come from him as much as you! Focus on you, on doing what makes you happy, on what brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, Julia! You deserve nothing less than being with someone who can give you what you need, who doesn't play games with you and leave you wondering where you stand, second-guessing and overanalyzing every little thing he says or does. But only you can choose this for you!
Thank you so much Jane. You are great, we are lucky to have you.. I also think that all the readers here are beautiful, generous people, so happy to share their experiences and help each others. Thanks to you Jane, to the wonderful spirit you have, to the great work you are doing, to your sensitivity. You are showing us the way with so much patience and generosity, you are holding our hands, you are leading us through this dark tunnel towards happiness. Thank you for your posts and the opportunity you are giving us to share all these conversations with the readers. Please keep on "feeding" our souls with your posts. Love.
You're sweet, Julia. Thank you for these beautiful words! 🙂
Hi Jane
Thanks for the article, brought back memories for me
Recently I was dating a guy who was in and out. Hot and cold
Took a while but I realised he was a total narcissist and no matter
What I did or did not do it would never be enough for him!
I did some deep subconscious work with a healer and in weeks things just got worse
But I now understand why this happened it was to show me the real him
Not the potential not the fantasy !! And I have to say he now repulses me
How unlovable I thought I was to actually like him
And want to be with him, I will never chase him
And for now he has left me alone probably with other women who are feeding his ego !
If he ever returns I will hold me head up high and know I am not only the Prize but a woman
with high value who knows her worth
I will politely say to him No Thank you !! Believe In your worth ladies narcissits are everywhere and they know how to play the game to get you sucked in. So please be conscious and know your boundaries and be clear on yoyr non negotiables
Best
Rosy
"But I now understand why this happened it was to show me the real him. Not the potential not the fantasy !! " Exactly, Rosy! So glad you were able to see this for yourself!
Greetings Rosy
Peace and blessings to you and your inner strength.
1Love, Sharri
Life and time is too precious to waste when it comes to ANYTHING and especially love. After never hearing "I love you" from anyone except my parents, family members, close friends, I met a man who was constantly declaring love to me in words and constant text messages. But his own unresolved grief from the past, such as a divorce after a long marriage, he was emotionally unavailable. I had to walk away after waiting a lifetime to hear a man say "I love you" but the older I get the more the tough decisions are easier as the clock ticks on. Yes, I had a long cry but I knew I would cry worse if I stayed.
So true, Jackie. In the end, you have to do what you need to do for you.
Jackie,
No matter how much I tell my female acquaintances to avoid divorced men, they still are looking to "...rescue..." them.
The only person who can rescue someone when it comes to emotional stuff is themself.
If after a few years its still a wound from a divorce then its his stuff, no one else can fix it.
I feel from day one he had the upper hand and still gets exactly what he wants. That's what makes me angry. He continues to laugh in my face. I don't like that feeling. He seems to get away with how he treats woman with no consequences from his actions. We suffer. Beat ourselves up and they get it praise
So they don't have consequences?