Our dear friend Sara has been dating a man for almost 2 years but she's not getting the kind of commitment from him that she wants. She's wondering if she should keep waiting (on his timeline) or move on.
Her email:
Oh Jane where do I start?
I met a lovely guy after my divorce and felt instant hope, an instant spark. I have two children who mean the world to me, and he had a child a similar age too, I thought things would be so easy...we could do thing together with the children and make life so much fun, but I found myself chasing him.
He would always text good morning and text throughout the day if we weren't together, I felt so special in the beginning, but he had separated from his wife a few months before and he said he wanted to take things slow, I didn't go to his house for months he always came to me, he had his child most weekends, so the once a month he didn't have the child at the weekend he would see us.
My children see their dad every other weekend, so eventually I started staying on a sat night when I didn't have my children, so we were seeing each other 2 weekends a month, that wasn't enough for me, but his child came first he made that clear, I said but couldn't we all be together?
Its been almost 2 years and he is reluctant to spent weekends together, I have had to push all the way, he has only just allowed me to spend the Friday and sat night when he has his child and I don't have mine!
When I told him I wanted commitment, this is what I had been looking for, I was looking for a future husband or at least living together he fobs me off as desperate and nothing is good enough for you, he finally said we would live together in 2 years time.
I am now forced to move out of my home and it is on the market and he still won't offer to let us move in with him or for us to buy a place together, he sees us as totally different, I said perhaps my house move has happened for a reason and he just says his thoughts and timescales haven't changed.
He said he couldn't see himself getting married for at least another 5 years. Is this to keep me hanging on or does he mean it? will we live together in 2 years as he says? I said I will rent then and he was like oh no don't do that on my account - which made me suspicious!
We went on holiday last year with the children and it was him and his child me and mine, like we were totally separate and his child can do no wrong. But I do love him get on well with his child, he says he loves me but takes things slow, he doesn't really make an effort with my children.
He hasn't got time for them so it seems.
He goes on holiday with his family and doesn't include us because his parents pay for everything, we can both have days off with the children and he thinks nothing of him being at his house and me being at mine when I think we should be together in my opinion.
Him and his child will do things like go to the pantomime and not invite us, I feel hurt by this, rejected. My children haven't met his family, even after almost 2 years. Last Christmas he planned Christmas day without me because he had his child, when I bought up the subject he said that he couldn't accommodate us as he had his family coming around for the day, those were his words, so I tried to end it, but he talked me around.
I am scared to be alone, I really thought he was the one but now I am realising perhaps he isn't. We saw a friend only at the weekend and he sent me back to the car quickly so his friend didn't see me, his excuse was he hadn't seen his friend since before his divorce and didn't know if he knew what had happened but he hadn't asked about his step child so he must know.
When pushed he said he was ashamed because she had left him and it doesn't usually happen that way. I felt so rejected and confused.
What do I do? Do I move on or wait to see what 2 years brings?
- Sara
My response:
Dear Sara,
There is nothing quite like the pain of unrequited love. When you want so much for things to be different, for this man who you so wanted to believe was the “one” but who now you’re realizing isn't, to be the one. I hear your heart aching for there to be more; you want to believe there’s still some hope of him seeing what you can see, if only he could see it for himself.
But Sara, one of the hardest lessons for us to learn in this life, is that pushing or pulling or any other actions we engage in to try to make someone do something other than what they choose to do for themselves, is futile. His words and his actions tell you where he stands, and it’s not in the same place that you stand.
Of course he doesn't want to end it, because you make it so easy for him to be with you. He has it so good with you, why would he not try to talk you around? He can live his life on his own terms, and still have a woman like you whenever it works well for him without having to make a commitment.
He has no reason to change when he has it this good.
Everything that you are choosing, everything that you are putting up with, everything that you are settling for in order to be with him, can be understood so clearly in the phrase that stood out in your words here: “I am scared to be alone”.
Wherever there is fear, you find yourself doing things you would never otherwise do. Fear leads us to see things that aren't there, to stay in places we don’t belong, to be with people we would never otherwise consider being with.
We lose ourselves when we let fear control our lives.
Don’t let that spark tell you a different story than the one that actually is. Don’t let your dream of what it could be if only he would come around and commit dictate how you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t let the begrudged promise of a 2 year timeline give you reason to put any more of your life on hold living by someone else’s terms when you have your own.
Only you know what being with him – what waiting for him – is worth to you. But two more years of your time and energy and your beautiful you spent on waiting for someone to get to the point where they can give you what you want is a long time to wait for anyone.
It may seem easier, but is it really?
Or could you take a step into that fear? Could you expose it for what it really is – the unknown? Could you give yourself a little taste of it and see if it might just mean your freedom? To live your own life on your own terms without looking to someone else to make you happy?
It may seem scary to you right now from where you stand, but I've never known anything scarier than being with someone who wasn't on the same page as me, as my life was wasting away right in front of me.
It’s always a choice, Sara. There are pros and cons to every decision we make.
But you can never ever be wrong when you choose you, when you choose to do what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Someone who’s truly right for you will always clearly show you with a consistency in their words and their actions that they actually want to be with you.
He’s shown you that he’s going to do what’s best for him.
Now it’s your turn to do what’s best for you.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Should Sara wait it out, or move on? Tell us in the comments!
Nimzaj says
Honestly this sounds like me and my X I was Sara and and my X was him and the same exact questions and feelings she is asking I felt and asked the same exact questions and I held on and on and than I just couldn’t I learned that I loved my self more and for me to even have to question my relationship it only meant one thing “no he isn’t for me there is someone out there better for me because I deserve better !”
And the moment I did that and now I’m not saying it was easy but the moment I did that I met the guy of my dreams everything I ever wanted and more ! And I’m so happy I didn’t waste any more time with my X because I would of never met my future: ) things don’t always go as we want and or plan but when we do what’s best for us to make us happy and learn to love our selves more man what a blessing you receive!
Deb says
I'm pretty much in the same boat. I've been seeing my guy for 2 and half years, I'm struggling financially to the point I had to ask the social for help to buy food. He texts me good morning and communicates through out the day, comes and has tea with me but rarely sleeps over, I can count on 2 hands the amount of nights we spent together. He says he loves me and i love him. He has his mates dad that kind of lives with him but this man has gis own house, he doesn't pay my guy any money to stay there he can be there weeks on end. I have to move out of my house due to money issues and what me and my 10 year old has to move into well It could possible be condemned. We are waiting for a counsel house. I feel like He just sitting there watching me drown, I am I being over sensitive here? I don't think I am? Be honest
Leanne says
What you have said is exactly the same for me. Seperate houses seperate lives apart from weekends when I go to him he never comes to me. I'm exhausted with it after 2.5 years. Nothing will change. We know the answer the right time to do something about it is anyone's guess.
I feel your pain. Good luck
MJ says
Sara, needs to move on. I waited 2.5 years for a man to commit and he never did...I'm sorry I wasted 2.5 yrs of my life on this man. I am not afraid of living alone, like you, nor do I have young children. I love my life, I have my own home, money and do not need a man to make me happy.
Sara says
Thanks Sav - and Sav how is your situation now, are you on your own or did you meet someone? Life is about risk taking and sometimes you win sometimes you loose, my ex husband did what your ex did after 12 years together, some very good years too, I had my two children who were very young at the time. He started going in the computer all the time and it happened so sudden, over Christmas too. It turned out he had got in touch with an old nursery friend, not even a school friend this was pre- school! They got in touch on Facebook and they are getting married next year, we split 4 years ago, so this makes me very wary and a little anxious too, why can't I be happy and move on like my ex husband has? I did text my boyfriend I answered his question briefly then put see you Sunday night! He hasn't replied.
Sav says
Sara, do what's best for you and your children! With that being said. Reply or don't reply!
Sara says
Hi all, well this weekend there was a mix up and my ex isn't having our children so automatically it means I don't go to his, he had his child, I was really looking forward to going but feel torn because also looking forward to being with my children, I realise now like a light turned on, he is clearly saying I can't have him when I have my kids, he just said I will see you Sunday night them when I said my ex wasn't having them, not come across Friday night as planned. I feel so mad at myself I feel like I'm pining. He thinks everything is ok as long as he phones when his child is in bed and I answer, I've told him I'm out this weekend he seemed a bit annoyed! Good! I need to at least try to break away a bit, ally friends are happily living with or married to their partners, I have very little support. He has just text me, do I reply or is that childish?
Jane says
You have to do what you can live with, Sara. No matter what anyone else thinks you should do, look at yourself, look at him, look at the reality of what is and not the fantasy of what you so want it to be, and decide for yourself what you want with this man, what you're looking for and what difference any of these little things make. It's the whole picture that matters, and after you've heard from everyone else on what we all think you should do, you're the only one who can make this decision for you.
Sav says
Sara, I know exactly what you are going through! I dated a guy for five years and he would'nt commit' even though he treated me very we'll. Our families interacted with each other and we got along well! He lefted me for his high school sweetheart who has not seen or interacted with for thirty one years! You can't make someone love you if he won't! You can't pressure someone into a commitment if he won't! It has to flow freely! You deserve so much better! You have spent almost two years of your life waiting! Time waits on no one! You cannot get that time back! The decision is yours! Best wishes!
vedi says
Hello Jane!
Although I'm barely emerging and going out and experiencing this crazy thing we call life, I too can say i can relate a bit with Sara. I'm experiencing the same non-commitment with someone who I've been talking to for about 2 years, althought the difference isthat we are not dating... same story of excuses, same story of no plans, or no-shows, just a bit of a different situation. let me tell you, that advice you have given Sara is just great and it really helps a lot. I too have done the same as Sara. I still have hopes that he will change and someday things will be different. but after reading this and just seeing how much it relates, i couldn't help but taking your advice to heart. i too believe that we all have a shot at love, and we should not expect something from someone that we know is taking too long to really "change" although we know deep down they wont. it truly is the fear of being alone that is keeping us all confused and bundled up as if this would be the only possibility forsomeone to love us. that whole spiel might not have made sense, but still. Thank you Jane for your words, you have really shown me that it is best to just move on and be happy on our own terms rather than someone elses.
Jane says
I'm so glad my advice to Sara resonates with you where you are as well, Vedi. It's never as easy to do as it is to see what we need to do for ourselves, but you can never go wrong with choosing you, with doing what you know in your heart is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. I hope you're comforted by the fact that you're never ever alone as you go through this and that there's always someone who's going through this with you.
Sara says
Thank you for all your comments. I had also been told that you couldn't help who you fall in love with which is one of the reasons I have hung on for so long. I want my children to be bought up in a family unit like I was and I feel sad that that isn't going to happen, certainly not with him. We had another argument about the future again the other night, I told him why can't we move in to your big 4 bedroom house and he said he had only kept that place after his divorce for his child and that it would be weird if I moved in because his ex had lived there.... So what? All excuses I realise. We had started the argument because had been sat there texting his ex again, they have a text conversation at least every other day, that just isn't necessary. He said he would do what he wanted and it was about his child. I really do get the feeling I am fighting a loosing battle. I do protect my children in that I don't tell them what him and his child are doing without us and they don't notice luckily, I just want to be a family. My ex husband couldn't be without me esp in the beginning, we got engaged and lived together 4 months after meeting, is this more realistic, how should it be?!
Angel says
Lovely, beautiful Sara. The writing's on the wall.
Go ahead and read the comment you just wrote and this time pretend it has nothing to do with you, someone else wrote it. What would you see? What would you tell that amazing woman who's grieving and can't see past her fear?
You have every right to want a family and stability for your children. This man does not provide that now.
How are you feeling? You are not meant to feel this way. You are meant to create the reality you want for yourself. You just need to believe it. You are worthy of all the good things in the world, including a man who wants to be your husband and who loves your child and wants to give you both that stability you want. Free yourself to be found by that man who can give you all that. Every minute counts. Every minute you hold on to that toxic relationship that is going on now, is a minute you keep yourself from being happy.
Of course, you will do what is right for you and your child as you see it and in your own time.
Just remember you are not meant to suffer this way, you deserve love, you deserve wonderful man. Give yourself the chance to find that and to believe it will happen.
Lots of love to you.
Jane says
No, we can't always help who we fall in love with, Sara, but when we know more about the reasons why we call it love when it's anything but love, our eyes become open to see that it's not about him, it's not about loving him, it's about our need to be with someone like this and call it love. It's about something behind the scenes that has nothing to do with him, nothing to do with love, and everything to do with you. It's called your story. This desire for a family is such a real one, but is this really someone who is worthy of being a "father" to your children? We can hang onto a dream, to a fantasy, to someone's potential that only exists in our own minds for a very long time. But if nothing changes, if this is the best it's going to get, can you live with it? That's the question only you can answer, Sara. Only you know what he's worth to you and what you're worth to yourself.
sue says
Hi Jane
After reading this message can only say the advice you gave is spot on. I too can see my current situation within this message and may not like to hear what has to be done for the best but is so necessary. I have had to make a similar decision to choose me and restore my self respect which was in tatters.I fell in love with a man who like in this message held back and withdrew despite knowing how much he meant to me. It has been a painful experience and still is may I add. Painful to stay and painful to leave and keeping walking. However I do realise the latter option will eventually become easier and the best option because trying to hang on to someone who doesn't feel the same as you do is soul destroying.Jane your advice may not be the medicine we always want to take but in our hearts we know the best way for a healthier state of being. I still am struggling every day he is on my mind and feel so low because miss him so much and yearn for him to turn back and change his mind but decided never to make contact despite this not being easy. I have done this because if he does he made that choice because he really wanted to and if he don't he never would of so either way I will have the truth of the matter demonstrated plainly.
Jane says
Exactly, Sue. Thank you for sharing your own story here; it's because you've been there that you understand what this feels like all too well. "Painful to stay, painful to leave" - oh so true. But also true is the undeniable truth that if he was there of his own accord, he would be right there with you now. It's how you always know - even if you don't believe you do!
Angel says
Sarah, your story is really painful. I can only imagine the frustration you feel. But you know, the universe loves you so much, you should know you are not meant to suffer this way. Choose to leave, choose to go in the direction of your own happiness. Find yourself, and just as you are loving and protective of your child, be loving and protective of the child you once were and you still carry around with you. It is absolutely hurtful to be with someone who is ashamed or embarrassed by you and that seems to be what this man is when it comes to you. Please don't put yourself through that. You are worth too much. Lots of love.
Jane says
Beautifully said, Angel. Thank you for your beautiful words.
kristine joy says
it is not easy to feel the pain especially if the reason is the one you love
the man who shows you his very good potential but not his very good intention.
i do believe that" when a mans really loves you he give the best for you. "
you know what it is better to be LITERALLY ALONE rather than BEING ALONE in a relationship..
either i'm too young to think that i never met my Mr.Right but i do believed for what Ms.Jane said to me..
life must go on.. as long as you never hurt someone there is no reason to be afraid to FALL IN LOVE AGAIN & WAIT FOR THE MR.TRULY RIGHT who gives the on you:)
just focus on your child just focus in your career ...LIVE.CRY.FORGIVE.LOVE AGAIN.TRUST AGAIN:)
Jane says
Exactly, Kristin; it's what's true at any age. 🙂
makwena says
Dear Sara
i know how you feel and ia m sorry about that,there id quote i like it that says a person"s actions will tell you everything you need to know,you can see that that man is willing to amke any move nor a little sacrifisation,so i would advice you to move on because you are just waiting for something that is not going to happen,it going to be hard to move on but please sit down and find yourself,you derseve better,and do not forget to pray because God is only one who knows everything,you will find the right man for my sister.dont lose and keep on praying,this relationship with this guy is not meant to be,WISH YOU ALL THE BEST
Jane says
Thank you, Makwena. "A person"s actions will tell you everything you need to know" - So true, it is the only way we can know.
PETER says
Greetings Sarah,
This is quite a difficult TOPIC. I do feel for you. You feel you have given so much but the other person is not reciprocating even half of what you have put in......
It seems so unfair and you feel done in and no matter how hard you try it just seems like ALL your efforts are like fighting with the wind.
I take cognisance of what the others have been saying on your issue - very enlightening comments, however, YOU have to make the final decision about your situation.
You have probably made your final decision and I would respect that and EVEN if it was right or wrong - you have learnt something about your situation. Do not despair if you have not made a decision yet - BUT soon you will cos there is so much support that you are getting from ALL of us rallying around you.
Be strong SARAH - it always seems very dark just before light appears. Gods blessing upon your life - Peter J.
Jane says
Thank you for your encouraging words to Sara, Peter. It is so very true that "it always seems very dark just before light appears". Thank you for this reminder for all of us who feel that darkness right now.
Clara Martinez says
Hi Sara
It is time to let go! There is no need to wait. There is no such thing as a woman in waiting. Let him go and move on with your life. It's best to be alone than to be with a man who only allows you to be in his life when it's convenient for him. That is not what love is about. Learn to love yourself, enjoy your own company and eventually you will find a man that is worthy of you.
Jane says
"There is no such thing as a woman in waiting" - Exactly! Thank you, Clara!
Robin k. says
Dear Sara,
I have been exactly where you are. I waited 5+ Years for a Man to make up His mind. In the end, when I finally gave Him the ultimatum to make the decision of Commitment. He would not. Still saying He was taking His time.
and living His life one day at a time. He did and said a lot of what your Guy, says and does. Mostly in the beginning. Like not introducing you to His Friends and Family." BIG red flag" That He is hiding something (YOU) Also, not giving you His time, not making you His Priority along with HIs child, as well as your Children. He seems to be stringing you along. Have you ever heard the Term of a Narcissist? If not, I would recommend checking it out. I found it to be very helpful. On You tube, Put in a search for a SpartanLifeCoach His videos has helped me very much. I know first hand how hard it is to be alone. However, if you don't move on, you may regret it in the long run. You are worth a lot more, than this Man is treating you. Plus your Kids need to have a Happy Mom. In the end, My Guy still wanted, to still be my Friend, call me when He wanted to talk, as He felt comfortable and trusted me, as He knows how much I have always cared for Him. "Yes", I loved Him very much. However, needed to Love My self more. As It hurt to much too be His friend, and I had to do the no contact rule in order, to Heal my Heart. There is also many You Tube topics about the no contact Rule, and how to get over a Broken Heart. It was very helpful for me also. I will be Praying for you. God Bless you Sara.. Robin K.
Jane says
"However, needed to love my self more." Isn't this always what it comes down to, Robin! We simply cannot remain true to ourselves while tolerating treatment of ourselves that we know isn't loving or honoring to our very tender hearts and souls. Thank you for sharing your own story which shows just how much you understand what Sara's going through.
Charmaine says
Hi Sara....I was in the same situation as you are now in.... You know what to do Sara.... Deep in your heart you know what you need to do for yourself....I know it is very hard for you to move on, but it is time for you to be happy and free...I had to delete my ex phone no.s and email address so I would not be get tempted to call me... If you have to move house too, do so for your own happiness.. He is never going to change his ways for you and make any adjustment to let you into his life....He would have done this along for you... He know's he can sweet talk you into anything he likes and you do exactly what he wants...He does not deserve you...You deserve far better than he is offer you... You are made beautiful inside out... And there is know one like you... Don't let him take what is left of your inner beauty....Sara, does he really make you happy... Just think about it, what is he really offering you right now... I would like you to write down thinks as many as you can think of that you think is good this so called relationship and at the same time all the negative things that is in it too... I think you jump into this relationship because you did not want to be alone... Me looking into your situation looks like anything will do for you and that is why you have accepted this man into your life... You can do far better than that... You are a strong women... Start taking it one day at a time by sorting out your thoughts and let your inner soul guide... Start by enjoying being a free women... Get to know who you really are and enjoying life again... The right man will come along when you are ready for it... Good like to you Sara... And alway know that you are special... Regards Charmaine...
Jane says
Thank you for your beautiful words to Sara, Charmaine. Your advice to write it down - all of the negatives along with all the positives - is such a great one because it's so much harder for us to ignore what is poured out from our hearts on paper where we can't deny it as easily as when it's only in our minds.
Lucero says
Dear Sara, I am not stranger to a time request from my beloved. I see yet a lot of distance and differences between you two. I know that the need to be with somebody can be so strong that the simple idea of leaving the relationship raises your heart beat and it hurts. “What am I going to do when this is over?” You may wonder... You are clearly in love with him and if you have such a noble feeling for him, he must have good qualities after all. I am a firm believer in love. I really think that it can be enough in a relationship, but a strong love requires a strong person. My impression is that you have been weakening by this situation and now there is the need to start your recovery process. I would say that you shouldn't break up with him just yet. Take a step back and try to remember Sara, What does she likes? What does she used to do? What is so attractive in her? What about her friends? Why is she the world for her children? Reset your personal priorities. If you do that, without breaking up, you will be naturally busier and at the same time you will give him some space. My guess is he will come around without any pressure from you. He seems to be a good father and that is such a rare quality. He must be a good person too. Forget about the 2 years trial period. That will not happen. Just focus a bit more on yourself and things will work out faster than expected. IFF the opposite would happen, the transition to being single again will be much smoother. Either way, you will be absolutely fine.
Jane says
Thank you for your perspective here, Lucero. It's always this focus on ourselves and who we really are that creates the shifts for all our relationships, whatever we decide.
sharon says
I had this for four years. I was never allowed to meet his family or friends.
He then got a job in Australia despite saying I was his rock and was always there for him
I told him to leave and he said he does not love me as much as I love him. He seemed never to have got over the break up of his family. I miss him but he now has severed all contact with me. I too was told to wait but cld see that actually he wld never commit. I am now with someone who idolises and spoils me but my feelings are not that strong.
Jane says
Feelings will come and go, Sharon, but it's how someone treats you and the qualities they possess that always reveal more of what matters in the long run. Be proud of yourself for finally realizing you were with someone who couldn't give you what you looking for - and doing what you needed to do for you.
B says
Jane, I believe you have truly found your passion, your calling in life. Since I found your blog after a shattering breakup 6 months ago (my ex disappeared into thin air 8 months into our relationship. It was my "first" love after 10 years of being single with casual relationships here and there), I have found comfort and been able to apply little bits of your encouragement and wisdom to slowly make my way to a more centered, solid base. I am slowly but surely seeing the light and finding and loving myself. As I sit here on the train reading today's beautiful response to Sara's post I am encouraged that I really am getting there. One way I have realized that reading and participating in this blog helps is that I find I can see so clearly that others are settling for so much less than they deserve. And I realized, that if I can it it for others, then I can do the same for myself. It has taken me 6 months to realize this. But like you posted earlier this week, we all do it in our own time and as we each individually are ready. We can't push ourselves or beat ourselves up. We need compassion for our selves and our own unique journeys. Thank you do much for honoring your gifts and your desire to help. Your site is so valuable.
I am looking forward to working personally with you.
Jane says
Thank you for your beautiful words, B. It is so inspiring to see how this is all coming together for you as you've described in such beautiful detail here! It really does take time - our own time - to make these new concepts and ideas our own, that are so foreign to most of us. I'm looking forward to working with you, too! 🙂
Dazz says
Why does the woman often tries to abide by the man's terms and not theirs? It's scary with 2 children when all you want is a family with a nice father figure. He knows what you want, he knows he cannot give it yet he won't let you go to find it elsewhere. I find him selfish. Be miserable alone and enjoy your children. No need to bring someone in their lives who's only going to hurt them anyway. Do as he does, protect yourself and your children on your terms. When he asks, just say you've learned from the best, and he's shown you that. Thanks for the good time!
Jane says
So true, Dazz; thank you for your words of advice. This is why we have to take control of our own lives, because if we let someone else decide our own fate by waiting until he says he's done, we are choosing to live by someone else's terms and not our own.
RealDavis says
"But you can never ever be wrong when you choose you, when you choose to do what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Someone who’s truly right for you will always clearly show you with a consistency in their words and their actions that they actually want to be with you". - FABULOUS!!!!!
Jane says
🙂
Wendy says
Sara, I'm sorry that you're in the place. It is not a good place to be in. Everyday you wake up you think of him until its time to go to sleep. He is like a drug to you, you need it. You feel lost without it. I hear you're pain and loneliness, it is screaming out. I seem to attract men that I find myself in the same place as you. It doesn't last that long. I seem to accept things from them even thought I don't like some of their ways. I always think I can win them over, I always try my best, but often times I am left all alone. My kids are grown up and I'm alone. Yes, it can be very lonely. I have to tell myself to slow down and not live my life around them. I can't wait on them, I have to live my life. I know that's hard, I fight this everyday. But someone told me once, "I don't want anyone that don't want me" !! Take one day at a time. Goodluck.
Jane says
"I always think I can win them over" - Don't we all, Wendy. It's why we have to change our thinking from this fantasy of what we believe is our place to do, to the reality that proves itself time and time again. We can't make anyone love us.
mariwesty says
Such great advice & support on here. I have a thought regarding Sara's children; Sara, you would not want anyone to treat your child this way, not being there for them, etc. Your decision to stay with this self centered jerk is affecting your children too, don't they deserve better than this too? Move on to make room for a great guy who may be just around the corner, if not, in the mean time, focus on loving yourself & your children, they deserve better
Jane says
Beautifully said, Mariwesty. Thank you for this. We don't question whether our children deserve better, but we are always questioning whether we do.
Grace says
Dear Sara,
Don't be afraid to be alone. Alone is good. You have all the space and time to get to know yourself. It is a powerful thing. Take time, give yourself at least a few months to grieve, to ponder, to rejoice, and be reborn. Re discover and re invent yourself. Find the true you, peel away the fear and shame and loneliness. Build your strength: emotionally, mentally and physically. Make new friends and turn to your loved ones for emotional strength. Read a book or tackle a project at work to enhance your focus and determination. Take up karate or yoga or dancing, whatever you fancy - for physical strength. Hanging on to the man that you're in love with is detrimental to your health. Love yourself next to your kids , a man should never take over your Peking order. I say these from the bottom of my heart. I am in a similar situation , and I love him dearly. In fact, my love for him does not waver, even if he does not want to commit. I just love him, but I have no expectations. I love myself more, and if one day someone who truly loves me comes along, then I'll be so lucky... Otherwise, I am enough for me. Take care always.
Jane says
Wonderful advice here of what "focusing on you" looks like in real time, Grace. Thank you. "Otherwise, I am enough for me." - Yes! 🙂
Halima says
Hi jane. I think sara needs to move on with her life, am in a similar situation and I just decided to move on too. Am looking forward to meeting someone who wants me, who will truly cherish me. I owe that to myself. I love me and there's no one more important than myself. Its degrading trying to please and be with someone who doesn't care about me. So sara, be strong, be yourself, hold your head up, go out there and make yourself happy. You are beautiful, be proud.
Jane says
"Its degrading trying to please and be with someone who doesn't care about me." Oh so true, Halima. And the affect that doing exactly this has on us is more damaging than anything else we do.
Sara says
Thank you so much for your beautiful comments. at my age (37) I guess there is more to it, I would have loved to have had another child and he said we could do that eventually - when he is ready of course!! Time is running out for me, do I really want to go back to square one? and then I think about my ex husband , he chased me! We got engaged after 3 months, we couldn't bear to be apart for a long time, we had 12 happy years together, this is why this relationship is do confusing. Do I end it? And if I do how do I do it because he always talks me out if it telling me to be more patient.... He also texts his ex wife a lot and says it's about his child, I can't help but think his heart still belongs to her... My children and my wonderful rays of light and I know my main focus is on them, I love them so much, but I'd love to give them the gift that my parents have to me a happy family life. Love and thanks to you all. Sara x
Jane says
I'm so glad you're seeing just how much love and support is here for you, Sara. He's not going to end it; it has to come from you. But once you're ready to take that step, you do it by choosing to do what's best for you. By refusing to let him persuade you otherwise, by remaining true to yourself. No one can do that part for you; you have to come to that decision for yourself. We all do.
Princess says
Oh my! Run Sara run! This is like my story except he didn't have children. He never spent much time with mine. Only time he tried was when he felt me pulling away. I got married at 25. My ex courted me like a man is supposed to be. So when I met my ex it was instant attraction. I just knew it would be a straight forward relationship. Boy was I WRONG! Five years later and two breakups in between not only was there no commitment he was openly dating someone else on FB ( we weren't friends on FB. He didn't know I could see his wall) that he'd met once when he went on holiday to his home country. I asked him about it, he dismissed it and said the girl was crazy. She was the one chasing him. Blah! Blah! Blah! But he was liking her pictures and calling her honey and babe like he calls me. So this time I broke up with him for good. He didn't chase after me as he did before. He just sent me meaningless texts. No apologies or nothing. Trying play the "friend" thing. Why would I want to be "friends" with someone like him? So I blocked him from contact. It's been 8 months.
Now when I look back at the relationship the signs where there. I just excused them all because I knew he "loved" me. Maybe if I did this or did that he will commit to me. But he was never fully present in the relationship because I wanted him to be "the one". Guess what he wasn't. I can't make him the one. During these few months I realized that I love myself enough not to want to settle for his crumbs because I "love" him. I know I deserve better than a man who cheats and disrespects me.
For the first time in my adult life I am perfectly ok with being single and loving me. I tried dating again but realized that some of the guys wanted to play the same games my ex did. So I did not feed into it and just kept walking. They would through crumbs and I won't even take them. Like communicating via text ONLY no phone calls. Eventually they fall off the radar and I continue to live my life with my dignity, I won't settle for less than what I know I deserve. A man that loves me and wants to be with me. Not a man that I chase. I'm perfectly ok with being single with my peace of mind than stressing over a man that does not deserve me.
I believe my ex did me a favor by cheating because it was at that point that I was able to walk away without looking back. It hurt and was not easy but I did it. I know that I don't want a man that is not "sure" about me, trying to "make up" his mind while enjoying the fringe benefits of being with me. No more!
Start by loving you.
I love your blog. Enlighten women! 🙂
ann says
Well done princess.! It is not easy to walk away when you dont know what is on the other side. Be so proud of rightly putting your selfrespect and dignity first.
Jane says
"Now when I look back at the relationship the signs where there. I just excused them all because I knew he "loved" me." The depth to which we can convince ourselves to put someone on a pedestal and excuse the signs of reality away are so telling, Princess. There is such power in your words, in your such obvious "been there" understanding and compassion that comes through, and in the inspiring reality that you can see so clearly the favor your ex did by finally giving you the undeniable and inexcusable evidence you needed to finally "walk away without looking back." You indeed "did it" and the strength that comes through here in your words is beautiful and inspiring to read. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story for us all to be inspired to see what becomes possible when we finally discover that strength within ourselves that's always there just waiting to tap into it, to do what we need to do for ourselves. Be so proud of yourself! It's so much more than me, this is you! 🙂
Maris says
You are right!
Very good for you being so confident . Indeed no games necessary if someone
Likes you, it will show.
Maris says
Hi
I think it is fear.
For me it took a very long time to move on.
I really went through all stages.. From anger to grief...
I was madly in love with my ex, and having a lot of fear going away
From him.
It really took a lot of pain and time.
There is no reason to wait long. If someone likes you and loves you,
They will put effort . They will give you space.
But if you do not love yourself and do not have a own life..
It is sooner that you can get obsessed with him.
This happend to me.
He was everything I had.
It took me 2 a 3 years after the break up to feel ok with myself.
To feel ok to build a new way of living.
Fear is not a good way to live. It really makes things complicated.
Love is kind and should make you feel warm and exciting.
In all these years i am single.. I hope I will meet a men again who loves me
For me.. And I him for him.
Jane says
So true, Maris; the fear is what keeps us settling for so much less than we deserve. All those stages of letting go and moving on are part of our journey, part of our growth. It takes going through each stage - and allowing yourself to feel and accept all your emotions at each one - to finally see what we can only see by going through, not around. He will be there, when both of you are ready for each other, you will both be there. It's the way real love is!
Maris says
Thank you Jane.
It sounds wonderfull how you describe it.
Makes me calm.
I fear that i will never find or meet "him"...
I looked at his FB , he has a girlfriend. In a strange way i feel
Like... Why him? How come he has a girl and I do not have a love..
I know deep that it is childish to think like this and negative...
This i guess comes from insecurities.. Fear again..
Haha
Jane says
It's not childish, Maris, it means you're human. Accept those feelings as they come and watch them pass. They always do. But in those moments remember that it's because you're capable of such deep feelings that you feel like this. It's a beautiful thing when saved for someone who's on your page and wants the same thing with you. There is nothing that derails us like seeing our former love move on without us while we remain alone. But it's ok. Sit with it. Be with it. It's never as amazing as it seems. And your turn is coming too.
Maris says
Thank you Jane.
I feel much better! Less confused. Just got my period.
Thanks to my monthly hormones I was feeling a little crazy !
I am going to indeed accept it. I can miss or remember how it used to be.
But it does not mean I should check his fb etc.
I am more worth indeed and I am going to trust me more..
It is ok to feel sad or bit confused. Point is to not dwell in it.
Just sometimes I miss a man in my life... Not just a man.
Someone who cares and loves you. I think it really is a bonus, if
You can have this.
Thank you for your attention! Bless you.
Jane says
So glad, Maris. I know that feeling all too well - and all the others, too! 🙂
ann says
The hardest thing is when you must give something upand you dont see what you ll get if you do.Thats why people dont want to stop suffering they know theyve got that , and they really dont believe theres anything else. But our choice is between grief and a full life.To take the first step towards that life maybe painful, and you may have to endure sharp pangs of loneliness and loss. But youare lonely anyhow, and your loss happened long ago. What you are losing now is only a dream.
Jane says
oh how you understand this process, Ann! Where we want that reassurance - that guarantee - of something better before we're ready to let go of the crumbs we know. You're so right that "our choice is between grief and a full life". It's only when we take that first step, that we take that risk of stepping into the unknown, that we discover a strength and a peace that rises up to meet us if we keep going through, even as our first impulse is to rush right back into the comfort of the familiar. It's why we can only begin this part of our journey when we're ready of our own accord. It's why we move on to ourselves, and not to another repeat of the same face, different person. And most of all, it's why this is never an easy thing for any of us, no matter who we are, to do.
Claire says
I'm In a similar situation, although there are no kids involved. His excuse is his constant phd commitments bla blah. I've been waiting over 3 1/2 years now and I'm sick of it. I'm also scared of being totally alone, but I think it's time we kicked these idiots to the curb and saw them for what and who they truly are - emotionally unavailable and totally selfish.
I feel a sense of relief just thinking about it! 🙂 x
Karen says
Well said!
Jane says
That's how you know what's right for you, Claire. When you feel that sense of relief despite being "scared of being totally alone", you know you've found your answer!
Tali says
I used to be quite fearful with boys/men and I still have my
Moments but since breaking up with my ex has made me so proud of
Myself as I see I have such resilience and strength. I believe evey women has a gut instinct
Letting them know when something doesn't feel right. Much research reveals that 95% of people on their
Wedding day know it's not the right person and marry them anyway, years later when they get divorced
they always say they knew It was the wrong decision.
Although it's hard to face the truth in the moment, it will save you years of pain and regret.
The 9 months after breaking up with my ex was a very difficult year, I'm
Not saying it's an easy decision but I truly believe now that I have learnt my lesson
And had the strength to let him go my soul mate will arrive very soon.
Where there is fear there is no room for love.
Put yourself first and you will be rewarded.
Jane says
Beautifully said, Tali. Thank you.
Jackie Morrison says
There is a meme that I see sometimes on my facebook wall and it reads: The problem is, you think you have time ~ The Buddha. That is ancient but true in modern times. The problem is, time marches on whether you move on or not. The moment I let go of a man that I had been pining for did I meet a new guy. He was short-lived but I had learned to release fast from the bad crush I had before him. Within 2 weeks a new man approached me and it was a second summer romance that was unexpected. He wasn't quite what I was looking for but what both men were an example of, was how easily one attracts someone new and better, when they let go. Neither of my summer romances worked out but they would not have happened if I hadn't finally let go. Each time it was over their commitment. They couldn't give me the kind of commitment I wanted.
Jane says
So true, Jackie. Thank you for sharing.