Settling.
It's such a small little word, but it speaks volumes.
It carries such a huge weight of thoughts and ideas, of repercussions and fears.
And yet, do we really know what it means?
We don't want to settle for less than we deserve (and we shouldn't be settling for less than we deserve).
But what, exactly, do we deserve, and what, exactly, does it mean to settle for less than that?
If all we were looking for was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, we would do exactly this. It would be easy. One way or another we would cross paths with someone who was stable and grounded, was ready for the same kind of relationship that we want, who we could connect with on some levels, and who we could enjoy spending time with.
He would be the type that wanted a real relationship, who wasn't afraid of committing to a lifetime with us and raising a family together (if that’s what we wanted) and growing old together as loving companions.
He would be everything we knew should be enough for us and yet, for reasons that only we can understand, he's not enough.
Because it’s not about that.
We don’t just want that house in the suburbs with the husband and family to grow old together with. We think that’s all that we want, and we tell everyone that's what we want, but the truth is that we want so much more.
It’s because we absorbed it all
All those hidden messages, all those subtle themes we were spoon fed growing up by the stories, the media, movies, television, books - even our own families.
We bought into the dream of so much more that was only part of the fantasy we were fed.
We heard about knights in shining armor coming to rescue us, we saw the images of the prince’s kiss that brought us back to life. We learned that we had the power to melt even the coldest beastly heart and make him fall in love with us and us alone.
And as much as we've grown up in an age where women can rescue and save themselves and do practically everything our male counterparts can do, that old programming is still very much alive and well inside us.
We may cover it well, we may be independent in every way imaginable, and yet, still there lingers the leftovers of the words, the thoughts, the images, the conditioning that whisper a very different story than the outward one we live.
It’s the life within us that we’re talking about here.
We may think we’re not like this, but our stories, our patterns, our pasts reveal just how true it really is.
It happened to me, too. I didn't – and couldn't – see it either at the time when I most needed to. I searched high and low for exactly the opposite of what I said - and believed - I was looking for.
What I was really searching for was the romantic fantasy that I didn't even realize I wanted so badly. I insisted that I was only looking for someone to love me and for me to love, someone who would make a wonderful husband and father to our future children, but in reality, what I was looking for was so much more complicated than that.
And so, I shouldn't have been surprised that I attracted exactly what I was actually searching for. Confusing, complicated men who said one thing then did another, who promised so much, but delivered nothing but heartache. Men who seemed so full of potential, but wreaked havoc on my self-confidence and my self-esteem.
But I understand why now, because I realize it’s about so much more than just happily ever after or someone to fall in love with.
We make it about so much more than that
It’s someone to complete us. It’s someone to prove our worthiness. It’s someone to show the world that we’re OK after all. It’s someone to slay our dragons, to defend us to the end, to help us rise to the places that we don’t feel quite comfortable being by ourselves, or we don't think we can get to ourselves. It’s someone who just by their presence grants us entrance to that widely accepted social status club that belongs only to couples.
This is what it’s about.
It's quite a tall order
And it says something about the type of women we are. It’s no coincidence that we’re the sensitive type. The ones who wear our hearts on our sleeves, with the soft loving, giving, caring hearts of gold that understand what everyone else needs better than we understand what we need ourselves.
Who else can absorb these messages like we do, the underlying themes that weren't just the stories we were told or the images we were shown, but they became the very lifeblood of our own stories and themes?
We absorbed it all.
And so it’s no wonder that we can’t just settle for someone who loves us, who we love, too, who wants the same thing as we do and makes this all so easy.
We've convinced ourselves that we need so much more.
We want to make someone love us. We want to change someone’s ice cold heart. We want to convince someone we’re worth it all. We want our own epic love story.
And in the process, we've confused what it means to be loved and we've made it into something that has so little to do with the real kind of love that's all we really ever need.
We've confused settling with the simplicity of love and in the process, we’re settling for every other kind of behavior and treatment in return.
We can call it so many things – and we often do. But in the end, the truth is told.
We want someone to slay our dragons. We want someone to fill us up, to make us whole, to complete us, to give us permission to live the lives we never knew we had in us. To make us rise and help us stand. Oh we've been doing exactly this on our own for longer than most of us would like to admit, but it’s not the same. We want the rest of the story.
We want the fairy tale.
It’s time to come back down to reality
You know, that place where we've never spent too much time. We've lived in the past trying to figure out the why, and we've lived in the future trying to picture the when and the how, but we've never lingered for very long in the simple, steady place known as the now. The present reality. Where things are simply as they are and not as we long to make them out to be.
That’s the place where we find true love. Real love. It’s not about a fantasy or a fairy tale or an epic love story or fiery sparks. It’s about two real people looking for love with someone who’s on their page, who wants the same thing, and isn't afraid to admit it or make it happen.
And that’s exactly the only way it does happen!
And yet, watch us for a moment, and we may try to run.
Because it doesn't feel like we pictured it
It doesn't have the dramatic music or the breathless vibe or the fluttering heart that makes it recognizable to us. There isn't any drama or extreme emotions running wild. It’s not quite like you imagined after all those subtle little messages you were given, the ones you don't even remember getting, but your subconscious mind does.
But there's a good reason it doesn't look like that. Because it's real.
This is what you'll find if you let yourself see it. If you’ll give someone a chance who doesn't take you from 0-100 in a single second. If you’ll allow yourself to get to know him well enough before you decide he’s not exciting enough for you. If you’ll entertain the idea that love the fairy tale and love the reality might just be two very different things.
And the reality version is the only one you really want.
I know it’s a change, and it’s not an easy one. But trust me when I tell you you’ll be happier than you ever could have been without this shift. The other stuff is about you and your programming, not real love.
This stuff, the reality kind, is about love. Don’t go one more day settling for less than the real thing.
Take a second look at that kind of cute guy who’s waiting for you. No, not the one who turns your world upside down and has you repeating all your old patterns all over again.
The new one.
The one who’s calling when he said he would. The one who’s asking you out with enough notice that respects you have a life. That shows he really wants to see you. The one who wants the same kind of relationship and the same kind of life that you want.
The one we pass over because we think it's not exciting enough and we don't want to settle for less than exciting.
But the truth is that chasing the fairy tale and going for the excitement of the roller coaster ride is what settling really is. Settling for the crumbs of a relationship instead of the real thing.
There’s only one person who’s keeping you from having the kind of real love that you've always wanted: You.
It's time to stop settling for less than what you truly want - real love!
I resonate with so many comments to "Settling - What it is and Isn't." I've just walked away from a 5 year roller coaster ride with a man I fell in love with who doesn't have the capacity to love me; and that's hard to take. I should have really left him years ago and I need to regain my self-respect and not be so hard on myself. I should have know after the first two years when he told me he doesn't have a girlfriend and he can't because his life is too complicated. I was devastated.....we spent a lot of time together, with his family, my kids, among his friends, I cooked for him, helped him with his home, business.......he never did anything to come along side me if I needed him. He didn't want me to depend on him for anything; not even to be my best-friend, which I thought he was. I truly believed he loved me, but his behavior and his words never aligned. He was a musician, with lots of fans, and almost treated me as a groupie when out at venues. He wouldn't tell female friends he had a girlfriend although the would introduce me as his girlfriend to a happily married, successful man when it was convenient for him. He would judge me, criticize me, put me down, yell at me and yet I went out of my way to be with this man. He took off to NY to celebrate New Years with friends every year and never invited me 4 years in a row. He never remembered my birthday and if I had a problem, he'd capitalize on it and put me down. The yelling was constant because I would question why a particular woman would always be on the scene, or because he'd say I didn't understand his situation with his work or finances......it was debilitating. So many times he told me not to go to gigs because it wasn't' a good venue, etc., the reality was, he invited another woman to go see him play. Someone told me this Christmas that he took another woman to a Christmas party last year when I was sick; in deep depression. If it was so innocent, why didn't he tell me. He screamed at me about that. I became severely depressed, suicidal, and sought out a counselor. Everyone told me to get away from him. I finally realized he has Sociopathic/Narcissistic tendencies lacking any empathy or responsibilities for his actions with absolutely no conscience. I tried to break up on so many occasions, thinking it would be better when we got back together, but that was short-lived. He would call everyone baby and darling with this charming charisma and barely even look at me. I decided, to save my life and to walk away and know that I deserve better; I am embarrassed its taken so long and I'm regaining my self respect. I can only imagine I took it for so long because my father was an alcoholic who abused us and then my husband of 8 years left me pregnant with twins - they are my joy! I do regret however, in the process of leaving, I snapped and didn't hold back telling him what I thought. I regret that now, but it felt good getting it off my chest. I am trying not to beat myself up for staying as long as I did. I saw the potential in him, in us - when the good was very good, but the bad was worse and more often. I needed someone to come along side and be my confidant, my soul-mate to enjoy life with and he made it seem in the bedroom we had this bond; but once we crossed that threshold, that man was gone. I'm proud to be saving my life now and I can't look back on the 5 years I lost - I'll take the good, but won't accept that I deserved the bad, or the crumbs by any mean.........Through the Grace of God, The spell has been broken......I choose LIFE!! 🙂
It's never that innocent, Marlene. You knew. Don't be embarrassed that it took you so long; we all go at our own pace. That you chose you and sought help, that's what matters - however long it seems like it took, you did it, and that's the point. Feel your beautiful strength. You are saving your own life now! You didn't lose those years. Somewhere along the way you'll make them up and so much more. This is how powerful you are; you absolutely broke the spell. This is you choosing life!
I absolutely loved this post Jane! I have been, for the longest time, trying to understand what 'settling' means. In the past, I was under some misguided assumption, like many of us have been, I'm sure, that settling meant the relationship was to be fun and exciting AND the roller coaster ride! If it wasn't, well then I was settling. How misconstrued! Now that I'm older, I am no longer interested in any of that and can now see that a solid relationship although, may not always be exciting,and all fireworks, it is by no means boring nor is it settling. Its simply the real deal.
I'm so glad this resonated so much with you and where you're at, Tina. "... it is by no means boring nor is it settling. Its simply the real deal." - Exactly!
"There’s only one person who’s keeping you from having the kind of real love that you've always wanted "YOU".
It's been a month since I open up to Ms. Jane what happened to my Relationship when my Man disappeared and always take me for granted.. Because of her articles, I realize that I need to love myself first and continue my life with him or without him... and I stop to live in my Fairy tales because I choose to live in a REALITY... she is very true "No one in this World can love you unconditionally except YOU.
TO ALL THE GIRLS OUT THERE "WE ARE THE WOMAN ON TOP"=)
THANK YOU MISS.JANE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART:)
Thank you for your beautiful words, Kristine. I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself, and in such a short time - be so proud of yourself for that! To understand these concepts and these ideas that so many of us only learn the hard way is no small thing. You deserve so much more than ever to be taken for granted, and to realize this for yourself is to learn what so many of us discover to be life-changing. You've got this, Kristine!
Settling
This is so a choice, from my experience.
You choose consciously or not for settling. Most of us
Think it will come as wind, the relationship or the love.
I used to think this. Call it a romantic way of believing in
Illusions...
But settling I now see and feel it's about feeling yourself "you" and
Being comfortable with yourself and the guy you are dating .
From there you can establish some great connection and even maybe
Deep desire for one another.
I hope I can experience this in this life time. I think that would be so great
It will broaden my perspective in and about love.
Great article , remembers to stay grounded . Let's indeed look at "what is" instead
Chasing after what could and should.
Bless you Jane!
You summarized this process - this journey! - beautifully in your own words, Maris; thank you for adding this. And as always, you're so very welcome 🙂
Thank you Jane, you talk and walk so much sense! Even though I don't actually "see" you walk the walk, I just know you do 🙂
I disagree with Realist. I was shaking my head during her post and what was coming to my mind was that Jane KNOWS what she's talking about and maybe Realist isn't actually experiencing loving herself enough yet to see where you're coming from Jane?
Anyway, settling, man! How long have you got! As you know, I've been seriously discovering myself and valuing myself after my previous relationship and during this time of healing and really believing in my core that I'm wonderful just the way I am, and that, yes, I believe you Jane, it's not going to be the usual rollercoaster of emotions when I meet him.
So, I've been emailing and talking on the phone with a man who is so easy to talk with and who I hope to meet soon, who has the same values as me and things in common and is grounded, from the way he talks and I found myself thinking, wow this is the way it's meant to be! I know where I am, so far, with this man, he calls when he says he will. In fact he texts first to ask if it's ok to call me at a suggested time, he's open and honest and doesn't mind me asking questions about everything and he said he loves how friendly I am and how comfortable he feels talking with me and I tell him the same.
There's no rollercoaster of emotions unless I create them, that excited misery and addicted to chaos that I've experienced all my life, because I don't need it anymore. So I'm getting a small grasp of what you've been posting Jane and want to thank you for opening my mind 🙂
I know it's early days but my feet are firmly on the ground, if I'm meant to see how me and this lovely man get on with each other. If we can enhance what each other already has, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically, then it sounds good to me because I have nothing to lose, it's all inside me/him already 🙂
How long have I got; oh how I hear you, Donna. When we see, we see, but when we don't, it seems so far a stretch to see what someone else seems to simply know. Except it's never quite like that in the way it happens. I used to be there, wanting to be anywhere else, but being so in the thick of what this all seemed to be about - being enough for someone who could never have been enough himself for reasons that had nothing to do with me - and yet never seeing any of what I'm writing about here because it was such a different time and place in my life. It all comes in time, but on our own time lines, and not anyone else's.
These things you're seeing for yourself are so inspiring, Donna. To hear you "see" in your own words, to get what I try to articulate here so that we can all get there sooner rather than later, it reminds me of why I'm here, why I try to find the words to make this as clear as I can but in a way that gets you there on your own, because that's really the only way we get this. And it absolutely begins with that overused but so misunderstood concept of loving ourselves.
You absolutely have nothing to lose but everything to gain when it feels different and you're ready to take a chance on something real. So much less to lose than what we otherwise set ourselves up to lose when we insist on the repeating the past with the same types of men, with our heels dug in, determined to do it differently this next time finally without really doing anything differently at all. And yet we mean well, because we're trying. We're living up to the only light we know. And sometimes, as I've learned and lived myself, we have to go down that old familiar path of all the things we think we need in order to call it love. But eventually, if we're open, if we're on here looking, we find the illusion was only within ourselves. And that's what we can change, where we can choose; within ourselves.
Keep me posted, Donna. I'm so very happy for you to experience this, to feel the difference for yourself. Whatever it is, to have your feet firmly on the ground and an attitude exactly like yours, is what will bring you through to what is absolutely the best for you! Thank you for your kind words; I'm so glad to be here for you. 🙂
"Who else can absorb these messages like we do, the underlying themes that weren't just the stories we were told or the images we were shown, but they became the very lifeblood of our own stories and themes?" Wonderful article, Jane! So good to have light shown on the reality that actually empowers us as women instead of sticking us way back on the shelf where all we can do is continue to gather dust and rot away with nothing but our fading dreams to bolster us up and provide what little comfort they can in their falseness. Brava!!! I was recently looking at a photo of myself and my little sister at a young age. I keep it in a frame on my piano so that I can look at it often and practice loving my own inner girl. I began to cry a bit looking at us so young an innocent and to grieve for our poor little hearts who were already at that young age being bombarded with these messages through our mother's actions, our grandmothers' actions and all of the stories that we ravenously devoured. even the little songs we learned were telling us of these fairy-stories. And yes, all people can change and can come to their senses and, if they are willing to take responsibility for thei actions and their own story, they can come around and become people who can actually love and have solid relationships. However, as a woman who has been drawn repeatedly to men who are emotionally unavailable....the beast with the frozen heart if you will.....I can tell you that it is always the choice of the "beast" as the whether he wants to grow and change....it is never our ability to love, be patient, provide care, etc. that makes the difference. Al-Anon is an excellent place to find support if you happen to find yourself attached to a man who is in the throes of his own struggle and you have made the decision to hang in there. But this is not for the faint of heart and it is no fairy-story. Jane often reminds us that these are always our choices. However, we should not settle just becasue we believe that this is all we can have. I found through a lot of work on myself and a lot of these dead-end relationships that I was drawing them because of the emotionally unavailable and destructive relationship I had with my dad. There is no blame. There is only what I did with the messages. Not only have I internalized the message that I have to keep working to get this emotionally unavailable and abusive "Dad" to love me....THEN and only then will I prove my worth....but I also soaked up all of the Fairy-stories about what women are....what we are supposed to be....and what we can never be. What a lovely message to all of us, Jane. It brings everything right down to earth where we actually CAN have what we say we want. Thank you.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Deborah. It is so inspiring - and beautiful beyond words because I so understand what these "aha" moments mean when you're experiencing them real time as you are! - to read your process through this new way of seeing and being and just being you! Thank you for giving us all such a gift with your insight and your words. I know this isn't always as easy as it feels from one day to the next, so be so proud of what you're discovering here; its implications are so far-reaching!
Your right!
How wonderful Said.
"There is only What i did with messages"
I am with this too. Trying to forgive my past and make a new
Story for myself! Not based on fiction or fairy tales .
But a realistic and happy view of life and love!
This is exactly what I am struggling with at this moment. My friends have introduced me to someone that is very quite, sweet and not like the usually guys I date. I have been struggling with if he would be someone I would want to date because he is not like the previous guys. But, the previous men I have dated have always left me unsure and confused and alone. For some reason I kept thinking about dating this new person, but felt like it wasn't going to be like the relationships I had before, which made me unsure if I wanted to invest time into getting to know someone that wasn't really my type at all.. I am use to dating boisterous fly by the seat of your pants guys.. but, what he has to offer is a nice calm real relationship. Where we learn to explore new things and each other. Someone I could possibly really count on to be there. My friends obviously witness my continuous mistakes and decided to intervene. So, after reading this I am going to see where this new man I just met takes me. Thank you for this post.
I'm so glad this confirmed what you already were thinking, Indygirl. "... I kept thinking about dating this new person, but felt like it wasn't going to be like the relationships I had before, which made me unsure if I wanted to invest time into getting to know someone that wasn't really my type at all." This is such an important point you're making here.
When you're open to seeing someone different, when you can allow yourself to see without the blinders from our cultural, the media, and all our resulting programming, you never know what you might find! And that's exactly the point of all this; to be with "someone you could possibly count on to be there". Yes, exactly!
First of all, you must not settle for someones dark behaviour or toxic behaviour, games manipulation or abuse. Other things you can compromise and you must adjust, not everyone is perfect. Jane again you are solely putting the blame on us. Two people have a responsibility to wisen up. I have dated guys who are real and you give it time, either love does not grow from the heart, not the so called spark. The love can grow from the heart. Or the partner still messes up. Because they have received mixed messaging.
I fid you may have good intentions with your advice, but its like your saying we have full control, life is not that simple, and someone should not be disposable and you leave to the next guy. TIME is the only solution, people grow and change. I have seen many relationships go great and real, and they end, because one person or two give up due to their pride and ego.
I do not encourage this self blame culture of putting the blame on us in this blog. Yes some men and women have a pattern of picking dramatic stupid men. But their are plenty of use who have been picking or accepting dates where we look at stability , intentions, character awaiting the love and connection to grow, but it hasn't worked out because the partner is also brainwashed by their messaging.
Please stop promoting the blame culture and accept that there are harsh realities in modern culture today. With this instant society the way I see some women treat their men, and men to accept it and have been damaged while us some decent loving women are being open to all types are giving time and patience, but we are not getting that back. I am sure it will click and work out in the end. But what you are doing is quite damaging, we cannot constantly criticise ourselves, when we are doing the best we can with what is out there. We all want a companion to witness our life. Again please post more blogs about relationships working and surviving obstacles. You cannot constantly analyse and watch your actions, we have to live life. Course we all want that person to share or days and experiences with, but we choose what we must be able to live with. We have also tried to go with guys we are not attracted to, who have been great looking, or have some qualities, but we cannot force it. You give it time, but the body doesn't react. Good looking or not, rich or not, healthy or not, we cannot manipulate to get the perfect guy, the character is important if you want a real relationship. I have dated all types, and people who state good looking guys are jerks, are wrong, some have had good intentions. I have dated jerks who look really average, but they were dark. I ran away. The fact is judge a person by their intention and action, not how they look, trust yourself. Do not judge someone by your insecurities , meaning if they have a better job, education, money or the perfect body. Nature will always bring two people together regardless of your list.
Hi Realist – Please take a look at the links I've included in this reply - I think these posts will really help. It sounds like you have some beliefs about love that it's always a struggle, and that it takes a lot of work to make a relationship work out (a lot of people share this belief). Your beliefs about love become your reality – so if you believe that it's going to be difficult, then it will be difficult.
But the truth is that it shouldn't be difficult and it doesn't need to be. When two people are on the same page, share the same values, want the same things in life, and want the same level of commitment in a relationship then it's not difficult at all. If it's difficult, then it's not the right relationship.
The truth is that it really is all under your control – in fact, the only thing that you CAN control is yourself! As I've talked about many times on the blog, you're not going to change him – you have to either accept him the way he is, along with the way he treats you, or you need to make a decision about your own actions – whether to stay in it or walk away and find something better.
If you choose to stay in a relationship where you're not being treated the way you want to be treated, then you are showing him that it's OK, and he can continue to do it. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about abusive behavior here (in that situation you always need to walk away, and get help if you need to). What I'm talking about here is the guy that calls you at the last minute and wants to come over for the "booty call". The guy who promises you he's going to take you out, but then cancels at the last minute because something better came up. Or the guy who keeps stringing you along without making a commitment because he's waiting to see if someone better comes along.
These are all choices we make – to put up with this and "be understanding", or to let him know by our actions that we're not going to put up with being treated like that.
I'm certainly not intending to make anyone feel blamed – what I'm trying to do is empower you to realize that YOU are the one doing the choosing, and you have every right to make the choice that's right for you. That's the only way you'll ever get the kind of love that you really want.
You always have the choice to "stick it out" and hope that he changes or that you can "fix" him. But the reality is that he most likely won't change and you can't fix him. So you either accept what is and be happy with the way things are, or you let go and move on.
But either way, the choice is always yours.
But I am not entertaining any man who wants a booty call or mistreats me. I am saying there are plenty of us dating men. Who also have some twisted version of a relationship like they have been getting programmed by movies or easy girls so they are confused about what it takes in a real relationship. Not all of us are picking the wrong men or have self esteem issues. We are being open and trying.
Also in addition, I understand you are trying to empower people. But this is where feminism and empowering has gone wrong in the west. Its escalated because many women become too proud because of having been hurt in their past. Understandable, ut it only hurts them when you protect yourself too much acting like the prize and not sincerely giving in your new opportunity. I have seen people ruin experiences with new partners due to their past acting like the prize. Both people should be the prize. You should still give because it feels nice to give or treat your partner. But never to a detriment to our souls by entertaining the characters you describe, like playas, abusive partners. I do not agree with the western mentality of win, lose, gain or power. Its all ego driven. I understand caution because everyone is scared of being hurt or used again. But what I don't want women and men to do is ruin new opportunities due to pass choices or experience, everyone is different and new. The right one will give as well
I agree with a lot of what you are saying, Realist. I think where you are getting stuck is when you say " plenty of us dating men. Who also have some twisted version of a relationship like they have been getting programmed by movies or easy girls so they are confused about what it takes in a real relationship. Not all of us are picking the wrong men or have self esteem issues."
But the truth is that if you are dating these men that are "confused about what it takes in a real relationship" then you ARE picking the wrong men. There are plenty of men out there who are not confused – men who know exactly what it takes to be in a real relationship and are longing for the same kind of commitment that so many of us want. The reasons we choose these men that are wrong for us varies for each of us, but it comes down to our pre-programmed beliefs about ourselves (which are often hidden self-esteem issues that we don't even recognize ourselves) and misguided beliefs about what love should look and feel like. This is where we live.
Yes, our culture has programmed us with its set of subtle (and not so subtle) specific messages for both men and women. Most of us don’t even realize how much our thoughts and our beliefs are not our own. We have to unlearn what we’ve learned since before we were old enough to understand what we were learning. There is much work to be done in changing the culture so that little boys can grow up without having to become emotionless men to prove their worth, and little girls can grow up without believing they have to be enough to melt his stone heart.
But we can't change these men – they have to do that themselves. Until they do, the only thing that we can do to have the kind of love that we want is to change what WE do, and this lies mostly in our choices and our actions.
Please keep in mind, Realist, that this post (and many of my posts) are about recognizing and walking away from the guy that's going to just string you along, use you, treat you like an option, and so many of the other behaviors that us beautiful, sensitive women put up with, accept, and are settling for to the detriment of our self-esteem. We're not talking here about annoying little habits – everyone has those, and I wrote a post about exactly that, called "The Truth About How to Fix Him" – I think that will help you to see that we're in agreement on acceptance in a healthy relationship. But in order to get to that point, you need to have a healthy relationship first, and the only way to have a healthy relationship is to be with someone who's on the same page, shares the same values, wants the same kind of commitment that you want, and is emotionally available (see my post on 3 Ways to Know He's a Keeper).
I hope this helps! 🙂
Ok I hear you. I have alao chosen guys who I felt at the time were mature and liked stability and have never been drawn to anyone who is dramatic or likes the roller coaster. I even fired one of my clients for neing to dramatic in my line of work. I find it draining. But I habe opened my mind to various sorts amd guess what as you get to know them you hear about their past and they have all had some dramatic past with girls who have brought them down. So it seems its what they know and I have had to walk away sometimes in tears due to the baggage they bring in to their new opportunity. I am glad I tried. But to see guys you would think are sensible or wanting to grow from their last experience yet still bringing their issues can be draining. I am sure it will click in the end. But I have realised some people are products of what they are exposed to. I can't sit there trying to say what is right or wrong. I have created a good lige for myself...and am not going to apologise for that. Just sad when u see good men brought down by their stupid decisions and still carry that forward and mess up a new thing. I know its not me . But just wish the right person would realise that life will bring its daily challenges and having a life partner by yoyr side based on the foundation of love is joyful.
And I hear you, Realist. I'm always here for you; you're not alone in this.
By no means am I arguing with you. I do agree with some of your articles. But you realistically are not by our side . I just find many advisors and people from western ego culture giving the wrong advice. Yes we women are the prize. But that is a wrong mentality to promote soon as your partner does something ypu dislike or doesn't pay attention to you or does something without thinling....because men do not think and women we overthink. The female will feel less than the prize because all you are doing is adding to self esteem issues. I say this with an intention from a natural place meaning if you look at many cultures the love sincerely without the games the constant analysis of our moves. Yes obviously dont entertain anyone who uses you etc . Anyways I just am trying to add a viewpoint .
with the last man i met him around sep 13 & i wasn't so sure if i liked him or not n was shy to txt him n told me not to be shy, it felt like he was interested in me, i only saw him 2x in sep, when Oct came i slowly was getting comfortable with texting n IM'ing, i was always shy when it came to IM'ing each other, he would postpone meetings n want them to be casual whereas i was ready for a date n wanted 1 with him but it never happened, around Nov he was half busy at the time n i could see sparks & a future with him with no kids, my friends would tell me lies about him n stop me from being with him n i ignored & didn't believe in them bcoz they made rumours about him not liking me so i didn't believe in them n believe in the real guy. on FB dec last year i remember posting up my resolutions n i think i scared him away n that he deleted me on FB n blocked my number n i kept trying every 2 weeks in Jan. on 19/1/14 i saw him play a gig at a park n i would leave my friends alone to go by themselves on the waterslide & i was alone n sat 5m away from him n there was a time he looked at me n i thought is he checking me out or is he just making sure i don't go up to him, i was shy to talk to him n in the end he finished early bcoz he had another gig to do and he said he will talk to me later. so i thought why not add him as friend n bcoz of sign of him looking at me for 3 secs constantly from 10m distance.
since mar I've stopped giving him friend request bcoz i didn't want him to block me n i don't want to block him but when i punch in 1 of his initials his name would instantly pop up on fb on search n i would end up OMG FB still remembers this. i used to check his profile out.
in the last couple of weeks 1 of my girl friends told me he was at the park, i told her did u go n she said nope but saw it on his FB n she's still his friend, i told her what's he doing and she told me he was on a weight loss journey, then this sunday gone she said "he was at the park, i told her " u gonna go n she said nope" then 5 hours later that night she asked me "did i go to park n watch him play" n i said no i had other things to do but if u had told me in advance i would go. if she said he wants to see me i would go. i feel like I'm sick of my girl friend asking me about him n when she talks about him i get really obsessed talking/gossiping about him. i feel like i wanna delete her as a friend n i think she's telling me lies n i thought surely he can't do 2 gigs in a row every sunday at the same place, he doesn't earn much money.
I kinda wonder if she's been gossiping/talking about me to this 1 guy i like? i thought maybe she's trying to stitch things up between me n this guy
I'm hoping he can delete my friend n add me n give me birthday wishes next Wed, if he doesn't i won't worry. on his birthday i might plan on giving him a friend request along with a Msg n say simple greeting n if I'm right with his birthday which is 10/7/14 and idk if i should tell him about my friend making lies about him on his birthday?
i still have dreams on me n him being together.
i feel like piggy in the middle right now
PS sometimes he would txt 1x whereas i txt'd 3x a day to him.
PSS i don't know if he's still blocked my number since Feb or unblocked it or delete it n i still kept his number
If you haven't already done so, Courtney, let your friend know that you're trying to move on from this guy and would appreciate if she didn't bring him up with you. By being direct with her and coming right out and asking her your questions about her own motives, you're setting an important boundary around your own needs and communication instead of just deleting her and trying to figure out what's going on yourself.
It's hard to give up your dream of someone like this, Courtney, but you don't have to give up your dream, just save it for someone who's on your same page, who wants what you want with you, and who you never have to wonder if he's got your number blocked or if he's going to wish you a happy birthday. Take another look at why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. There's always a reason we want someone who doesn't feel the same way about us and the good news is, we can change it, because it has everything to do with us.