Archives for 2013

Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

I was on the internet the other day and I tripped across another song from my single days that once again brought back so many memories of the tears and heartache that so many of these songs personify.

Do any of you remember this song?

The theme is one that most of us have sung to ourselves at one time or another when we let someone go who we didn't really want to let go of. (There’s a male version of this theme that we’d all like to believe he’s singing to himself while crying over his own broken heart, but the likelihood of that is right up there with him singing along with the REO Speedwagon lyrics we’ve talked about before.)Continue Reading

Change Your Mindset, Change Your Love Life

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You’re probably not even aware you’re doing it.

None of us do.

It happens so naturally, so subconsciously that it’s below our radar. And yet, it’s so ingrained in so many of us that we don’t even realize how detrimental it is to our beautiful selves and how much it affects our feelings of confidence and worth.

It doesn’t matter who it is we do this with, or what he has or doesn’t have; we’re the ones who feel the effects of this injustice.

It starts with the way he acts with us. It’s the way he maintains that distance with us that we put him on a pedestal simply because he knows he can choose and we feel like we can’t. He acts like he can take or leave us, and we only feel like we can be left. We all but forget that we’re the ones doing the choosing when all we can feel is the loneliness of our longing and the lack of anyone choosing us. It’s no wonder we give everyone else so much power and give ourselves away much too soon.

It’s because we don’t feel like equals.

When someone acts like they don’t really need anyone in their life, when they seem so confident in themselves and where they’re at we make them the superior ones and us the inferior. Since we feel the opposite. We walk into that same room looking for someone, hoping someone will choose us, lacking the self-confidence to know that we are all the same.

But we don’t feel that way.

You see, it’s because we don’t want to be alone, because we want to be part of a relationship, because we feel like we need someone in our life to make our lives complete. It’s because of these that when we walk into a room, when we go anywhere where there are other people, we know this about ourselves.

We do this to ourselves all the time.

And it’s not just about men. It affects so many areas of our lives.

We do this with our friends and acquaintances who all seem to make their relationships seem so easy by the ease with which they handle their ups and downs.

We do this at school with our teachers and later at our colleges and universities with our professors.

We do this with our co-workers and our supervisors at work when we attribute them with knowing so much more than we do simply because they've earned a higher degree or have a higher position.

Realizing this, is it any wonder we find ourselves questioning ourselves and our ability to offer anything of value, lacking the confidence to see that we have value just by being our beautiful true selves?

We need to see ourselves correctly.

Equals, my beautiful friend. That’s my challenge for you today, beginning right now. It’s time to stop seeing everyone as having so much more than you, of knowing so much more than you, of being worthy of so much more than you. You don’t know their story, you don’t know what they really feel underneath that apparently confident outer facade they project.

But this isn't about them, it’s about you. And what you have to offer.

The next time you walk into a room, the next time you’re around anyone, anywhere, anytime, it’s time to remember who you are. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've done or haven’t done, how confident they may seem, or how much they may seem to have it all together in the ways you wish you did. This isn't about them. It’s not about anyone else but you.

Hold your head up high. Smile that beautiful smile of yours. Let that beautiful true light of you radiate so that the real you can be seen for all that you are. Feel that confidence of knowing you are comfortable in your own beautiful skin.

There is no one you need to prove anything to. There is no one you need to measure up to. There is no one more deserving of anything – especially not love! – than you.

You don’t need anybody or anything. You desire someone who’s worthy of you and you refuse to accept anything less than that.

Feel that difference!

And walk on in. Or walk on by. And in that process take every single one of those people down from that pedestal you've placed them on.

Equals, my beautiful friend; that’s what you are with each and every one of them. No matter who they are, no matter what they've done, no matter what they can do that you don’t yet believe you can.

Always remember - you’re the prize!

Should I Have Stuck Around?

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A letter from another beautiful reader, Katrina:

Hmmm... where do I begin... it's been over three months since I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend and since then I can't help but feel that I did something wrong.

I knew it wasn't normal to have crying spells every morning on my way to work because of the way he was acting. First of all, I'll admit I made mistakes by breaking up with him on two separate occasions during our year and ten month relationship.

I understand it's not normal to break up with someone but each of those times I broke it off because I felt unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved.

Might I add, I immediately apologized and talked through our problem. The day we broke up he was staying with friends (a married couple and two other friends) at a beach house. He had been there for over four days with minimal contact with me. I was happy he was having such a great time.

The day I was supposed to meet him at the beach house, the weather was going to be awful. I suggested he come home and we could catch a movie and spend some time with each other. He didn't like that one bit. He accused me of "trying to ruin his vacation."

We went back and forth and eventually I began to spill what I had been holding back. I told him I was lucky to have minimum of four consecutive hours in a day with him while his friends got four whole days; I didn't like the way he was so rude to my family; the way he had no problem pressuring me to love out but I was scorned for bringing up marriage; and the way we rarely we went out on dates.

I asked lastly if I was asking for too much and he answered yes. I've made mistakes in the past and when he has pointed them out I always go above and beyond to remedy it. I guess I expected that from him.

I expected him to say you're right it's going to rain I'm on my way.

I felt judged by his friends.

I know I'm worth so much more. I wouldn't have invested four years of my life into a degree and graduated with honors from both schools if I didn't think I was worth something. I wanted him to be proud when he talked about me to his friends.

Nevertheless, he made me feel ordinary.

He was overly worried about trivial things such as spending the night. Not the fact that I was going somewhere, that I was stable, and longed for a family with HIM- no one else. I can't say it was all bad. When he tried my gosh he made me like a princess.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping to get an unbiased opinion- was I wrong?? Should I have stuck around?? Is there a chance he'll come back?

- Katrina

My response:

Trust yourself here, Katrina. There was a reason you broke up with him numerous times before. There was a reason you were having crying spells every morning on your way to work because of the way he was acting.

You knew something wasn't right, and even if you wanted to believe that you were the one with the problems, that you were the one making the mistakes, the reality is that it always takes two to make a relationship work, so this relationship was not your sole responsibility to take on!

You saw the signs that his friends were more of a priority than you, your body and mind and soul knew all this even if your heart was the last to finally accept what they already knew.

When you love like you do, my beautiful friend, when you give and hope and believe like you do, you so want to believe that it will still get better, that anything is possible and that he will still come around and commit to you like you so want him to.

But the problem with that beautiful hope is that when it's spent on someone who isn't worthy of you, who isn't there on the same page as you are and who doesn't want the same thing you do - and whose behavior clearly shows this by how he treats you! - then it is you who sells yourself short by questioning yourself and taking more than your share of the blame - and the guilt - for what you did or didn't do.

Take back your power, my beautiful friend. Don't go there. Don't get caught up in second-guessing yourself and questioning whether or not you did the right thing. You know. No more apologies, no more taking more responsibility for this than he's willing to take. You don't want someone in your life who is so quick to judge you, so quick to point out your mistakes, and so quick to place the blame on you.

You never have to beg for anything, Katrina. Love is your birthright. To be loved is not something you ever have to fight for. Either he loves you or he doesn't. Either he treats you the way you deserve to be treated, or he doesn't. Either he's on the same page as you or he isn't.

This isn't about him. This is about you.

You have so much to offer someone who's deserving of you. You have so much to offer someone who wants the same thing as you and treats you like the prize you are and not like someone he can treat however he chooses and expect that you'll always be there for him. We can forget what we deserve and settle for crumbs all too easily sometimes; but this is never what we deserve.

You absolutely did the right thing here! Of course it never feels that way when we look back and recall the good times more than the bad. When you're still alone, and he seems to have moved on all too well without you, it's only natural that we question ourselves and rethink our decision and wonder if there's still a chance he'll be back.

Only if he's there, Katrina. Only if he's on the same page as you and wants the same thing and is willing to do whatever it takes to build a real relationship with you and make that happen. That's what real love is and that's the absolute least of what you deserve! You know who you are; you know all that you have to offer someone who proves himself to be worthy of you.

Honor that beautiful woman you are, Katrina; be proud of yourself for being able to see what wasn't there and being strong enough to walk away even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Choose you, not him. Hold your own head up high; you know what you deserve!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Did Katrina do the right thing? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

Why Asking Him "Why?" Never Works

32 Comments

I know - you want to know why.

Why hasn't he called?

Why is he getting distant?

Why won’t he commit?

You had a great first date, maybe even some wonderful second and third dates, maybe even a couple of great months where things seemed to be getting serious. And suddenly you haven’t heard from him and it’s been a week.

Or he asked for your number and then he never called, until you bump into him somewhere and now you really want to know why. Or he’s not ready to commit and you've had the conversation all too many times but you still don’t understand what’s really going on.

You want to know why!

The problem is that as much as we want to understand what’s really going on and get to the bottom of this behavior that doesn't make any sense to us, trying to get an answer out of him isn't really going to tell us anything we don’t already know.Continue Reading

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

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Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains - picked who would be on their teams?

Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.

And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.

Sound familiar?

If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.

And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.

Not much has changed.

We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.

And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.

And that’s why this matters so much.

That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.

And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.

So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.

We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.

So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.

Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.

We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us. We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.

This isn't high school anymore.

You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.

Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …

A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.

A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.

A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.

A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.

And she knows all this to be true.

We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.

You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!

It's A Balance

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There are days when it feels like nothing happens quickly enough.

These are the days when my patience gives into impatience and I find myself struggling with the fact that something is taking so much longer than I’d like instead of surrendering to the gentle flow of what is and allowing things to progress at the pace that is meant to be.

And I’m reminded of how similar a feeling this is to when I was single, when one of the biggest questions I had for the universe, for God – and for anyone who I thought knew more than I did on the subject – was how much am I supposed to do and how much was I supposed to let happen?

Because the problem was that it always seemed to be taking far too long when I let go and relinquished control, but when I stepped in and tried to make it happen I only seemed to mess everything up. There was the dilemma.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I've learned that it’s a balance.

It's a dance, if you will, of moving forward, of doing what each of us feels inspired to do, of doing what we need to do, of doing what life seems to ask of us to do by what it brings us. And then balancing that with who we are at our core. With our inherent gifts and passions, and abilities, and our dreams and our goals.

Doing what makes us happy, what makes the world a better place, what makes us live with ourselves in a beautiful state of peace and calm. At least that’s what we strive for.

It’s never perfect. It’s never quite the way we plan, and it’s never quite as easy as it sounds.

But it’s in that balance that we make a life for ourselves; a beautiful imperfect journey that never quite seems to move fast enough or have all the pieces we’d like it to have.

And sometimes there’s so many never-ending questions and so many decisions to be made that seem to have such consequential effects. And before we know it, we can become so bogged down in what isn’t and what we still need to do and become, that we forget to focus on the simplicity of where we are and all that we’ve already done.

So here you are, today, with so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, hoping that something will come your way soon to change it all and make it all better and have it all make sense!

Find your balance, my beautiful friend.

Accept what is. Accept what isn’t. Work on changing what you want to make different. Work on accepting what you’re having such a hard time letting go of.

But most of all, remember the balance.

Is it really worth your peace of mind? Is he – or anyone else – really worth the effect he’s having on you? Is this really worth your beautiful you?

Just as I have to accept the reality that I can’t physically be there for each and every one of you to spend a day with you to walk with you in your shoes to be that cheerleader that I’d love to be so you could see yourself the way I do. So too do you have to accept your reality that where you are right now is where you are. But it doesn’t have to be done with such urgency. It's a journey.

Nothing has to be done with such impatience, such fear, such doubt, such self-loathing and longing for anything but the way things are now. One step at a time, one glimmer of light at a time, one a-ha moment at a time.

Let the universe or God or whatever you believe in light that way for you in answer to your hopes and dreams and prayers that you put out there.

But let your feet take you there as well.

A dance of both, coming together in their own beautiful time until somewhere along the way, you discover the same truth I discovered so many years ago.

There are so many different paths to the same place.

Yes, I could have gotten there sooner. Yes, it could have happened differently. And yes, it was so hard to wait for.

But somehow, in that dance, something else happens that's more than just an outcome. It’s the growing of yourself and that beautiful woman you are that it’s not just about an outcome but about a self-discovery of who you really are and how worthy you really are that is every bit as essential to this process as is the culmination of the love that you've been longing for.

It’s life-changing, my beautiful friend, and worth every single moment of the journey, no matter how long it seems to be taking, no matter how impatient we can be.

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Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

Change Your Mindset, Change Your Love Life

It’s because we don’t feel like equals.

We do this to ourselves all the time.

We need to see ourselves correctly.

Should I Have Stuck Around?

My response:

Why Asking Him "Why?" Never Works

You want to know why!

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

Not much has changed.

And that’s why this matters so much.

This isn't high school anymore.

And she knows all this to be true.

It's A Balance

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