One of our beautiful readers, Anna, is feeling hurt and confused, and is wondering if it's time for her to move on - here's her story and my thoughts:
Hello, thank you for reading my letter.
I'm 46 years old, fit, attractive mum and works full time. I've been dating a 55 year old man for almost 3 years. His children are grown up and all moved out and I still have a 16 year old daughter at home. He is a truck driver and begins work at 3 am and returns home at 3 pm. I work regular hours.
We do not live together and I don't let him stay over because we've never discussed a future together, he's always treated our situation as a day by day thing. I don't want a man to stay over unless I'm in a proper committed relationship and I have my daughter to consider and set an example to, my opinion anyway!
He is a kind man but he's never really there for me in times of need, if there's a problem where I need male help, it's not him! Due to his job, he tells me he's often tired and needs to catch up with rest in the weekends.
We have never been away in a weekend or holiday, he may come for dinner to my place through the week but it's like eat and run. Come the weekend and we may just go out for dinner on a Saturday night.
His family always come first, if they need money, he just hands it out so easily but he appears very tight with his money when it comes to me but I've never asked him for money even though at times I struggle being a single mum.
Our sex life is amazing but that's seems to be the only thing that's great.
I try to discuss a future with him but he doesn't really get involved in the conversation and never expresses where he wants to see this situation of ours going.
I express my feelings and thoughts to him, I raise having a holiday together, I talk about living together, I tell him how I feel but I'm just don't seem to be getting anywhere with him? I get so frustrated at times that I feel like I'm wasting my time and just settling for a dating pattern only!
We've broken up a couple of times but then he calls me and tells me he loves me and wants me but then things go back to exactly the same old situation, there's no progress or change. I feel I've opened my life to him but I feel he has his family on one side and me on the other, sometimes I feel he doesn't really care about me and that I'm just a habit to him?
I don't know what to make of it but my family sees I'm not really happy and feel I can do better but I feel so attached to him and it's hard to let go. I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks now due to another one of those little break ups again as I told him not to contact me unless he's genuinely serious about having a proper committed relationship with me.
I'm so much hurting and confused but I'm trying hard to keep busy and not think about him too much but up till now, I've heard nothing from him, should I just let go and move on?
Thanks Anna
My Response:
Dear Anna,
It's always in that space you give someone that you find out what you really mean to them. It sounds like he's perfectly content with the way things are - all on his terms. So you have to decide whether he's worth it.
If he is, if being with him on his clear terms that he's made clear to you by the way he behaves with you and by the way he treats you, is better than being alone or without him, then that's the choice you make. If it's not, if he's not worth it, if you have different terms and they're not compatible, then make that choice.
You're always the one doing the choosing, my beautiful friend; even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You can't make anyone love you, you can't change anyone or make anyone change or see things your way. It always comes down to two people and whether or not you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other. And then if you're both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
He may say he loves you and wants you back when you're broken up, but what does that really mean to him? Is it enough for him to come far enough your way? Of course he misses what he has with you. He's so lucky to be with someone like you!
We sell ourselves short all too often for so many different reasons based on where we're at, what we're afraid of, or what we feel we need from someone else and can't live without or give ourselves. And we can be pretty convincing to ourselves of why we should put up with more than what we know in our hearts we should.
You're worth the whole package, Anna, but we all have our reasons and our motivations and why we choose what and who we do is a very personal thing.
Choose you first and foremost, and then make the decision that gives you the greatest amount of peace and calm, and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You are so right; you have a beautiful daughter to set an example for; she will learn to be strong and know her worth from you.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Is it time for Anna to let go and move on? Tell us your thoughts here in the comments!
Thank you everyone for your heart felt responses for my situation. We have just broken up again but this time will be the last time. I know and feel in my heart, he will never change and I know I deserve more than what he's prepared to give. Thank you all so much, I'm really overwhelmed.
Warmest regards from Anna
I'm so glad you were able to receive this beautiful outpouring of support for you, Anna. We all get to where we need to be in our own time. Much love to you, my beautiful friend. You're seeing just how powerful you are!
Jane, I just did it.... I would have preferred to talk to him but in that moment you don't remember everything you want to say. I sent him an email, saying goodbye. It took so much courage and strength press send, but I did it. I always see in your blogs where you say "you are the one doing the choosing" or "you are the prize", it took me many months of reading your articles to finally make this move, but deep down inside I truly believe that if two people were meant to be, no matter what it will happen.
I must thank you Jane, for giving me the courage to realise my self worth and to have respect for myself . The days ahead will not be easy because I loved him so much, but I will just look to your website for comfort.
I don't doubt that it took so much of you, Dejanira; so much courage and strength to stand up for yourself like this. There's always a reason it takes how ever long it does, how ever many months; it's because you have to come to this yourself, regardless of what anyone else tells you or what they see, it's only when you see for yourself that it's time for you to make a change that you find that new strength and courage within to do what you need to do for you. Trust yourself, allow yourself to feel what you feel, to heal through this. "Deep down inside I truly believe that if two people were meant to be, no matter what it will happen." - Exactly, Dejanira; you're seeing this for yourself!
Hello Jane, Thanks a lot for the reply, I really do appreciate. As for my bf, he started counseling and was adviced to cut off those pple completely if he really want to stop. Barely 2 weeks after, he was online again trying to hook up wt guys. When I found out, he Told me he wasn't going to follow through, he jst felt the need to do it and its jst a phase to pourge it out of his system bt I wasn't convinced. To further prove to me he's ready to let it go, he had to open up to one of his family member (cos noone apart frm me knows). He gave me his fb password and frm the msgs I saw there, I realise he's deep into this than I tot.. I tot he could easily let it go bt I don't think so anymore. so I told him I need a break. He's been crying and begging and I dnt know what to do. I really hope m doing the right thing. I really liked him, he's so nice, loving, sweet and caring and its alwys this way, they re alwys everything I want, except this one thing that's a huge deal breaker. I ve thought seriously about what u said..maybe m holding on to my own secret that's why I attract pple that also ve secret. I wish there's a way I can stop this. They seem to lead ordinary lives, till I start digging and I discover otherwise. I need help, m jst in a bad place psychologically right now. Will this ever stop or will I finally ve to settle down with a complicated guy. Thanks once more
Don't hesitate to seek help for yourself, Sara. Sometimes a wise, understanding counselor who you can pour your heart out to is exactly what times like these calls for. Keep taking care of yourself and do what is loving and respectful of you. If you haven't already, you may want to check out Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book. It is a very insightful read that you may find helpful in this scenario. It so easy to get caught up in his story, but yours is the only story you ultimately have any control over.
Hello Jane,
thnx for the great articles and advise. I really do enjoy reading your articles. I m experiencing something really awkward for me right now. I dnt knw if this is the right place to discuss this, bt I knw I jst ve to talk about it with someone. I am sorry this is lengthy, pls do bear with me.
I have noticed for the past few years I always meet guys with secrets that I ve a habit of stumbling on. These re guys that have been in several other relationships, with girls flocking over them and none of these girls will discover who they really are, apart from me. One of my ex was addicted to flirting..sex chatting with strange girls, asking them for nude pic and eventually meeting them up is what drives him crazy. I was hooked to a host of flirt sites. No one knew this but me. My recent ex has a baby with another girl, which he has been successfully hiding from other pple, till I came around. Plus he is a chronic liar. Even the "baby Momma" who dated him for 10 yrs didn't knw that about him. I felt, maybe m the one who attracts complicated guys..till I met my recent guy and m not so sure anymore. He is 30 yrs old. A friend match maked us, and I believed that will work, at least my attracting complicated guys radar won't get me another wrong guy. I knew him November last year. He needed a girl to settle down with, hence he asked my friend to hook us up. We saw and hit things off very well. He introduced me to his parent and family towards end of december. Pls note, we ve nt kissed or have sex.
Here's the Shocker. Just yesterday I discovered he sleeps with women and MEN. I saw a chat blw him and a guy december last year, flirting with the guy. I confronted him about it and he was in tears that he is not gay cos he enjoys sleeping with women..but sex with men was a habit he picked up 3 yrs ago, when trying to get over a heart break and also out of curiousity. He said he wasn't born this way and that he never sleeps with same guy twice. He sex them and dnt do bj or kissing. After sleeping with them, he hated them and the act. No one knws about this apart for me..nt evn his other exes and his family. From my part of the world homosexuality is a criminal offence and very much frowned at. M really so freaked out here. I have nuttin against homosexuality, bt dating or marrying a bisexual? I knw he has being dating and having long term relationships with girls. He's been pleading with me to let it go, that he loves me and he had already decided to tell me about it (which I kinda noticed) and also end it dx year. He deleted all their contacts and said he is ready to start counseling. I don't knw if to let him go and move on. Then again, m scared about the next awful secret I will discover in the next guy.. I like him bt I wonder if he can actually stop sleeping with men and be monogamous. Pls what's your opinion on this
You have to decide what he's worth to you, Sara; you're the only one who knows. Trust is such an important part to any relationship, and you won't know if he's truly capable of stopping this behavior and being monogamous, or if he just want to keep you in his life. What matters is what you can live with; that's the point because you're what matters here, Sara; and you deserve to be with someone who loves and honors and respects you. There's never anything wrong with taking a break from him while he gets some help to see what if anything changes. This is about him and not about you, so don't take any of this personally.
As for the way it seems that you're picking up on these secrets for these men, my guess is that is you look instead for men who lead very ordinary lives, who don't have a lot of baggage or a need for drama or chaos in their lives, you will find fewer secrets and nothing to hide. Sometimes if we ourselves hold our own secrets, we're more likely to be looking for someone who also has their own, even if we don't realize we're doing this. Ultimately, you're in control of your own life, and it's always your decision what you choose to accept and allow to be in yours!
"All too often we get caught up in this type of explaining ourselves only to discover this is an opening for him to question you until you're back to questioning yourself and back to being right where you were before you resolved to let go"........ this was what I needed to hear. I have decided I am not going to explain, my actions will speak for itself. as hard as it's going to be I have to. gracias jane
So glad this resonated with you, Sakura. You've got it!
Jane, I have chosen to let go.... I love him but he wants to be in my life on his terms. Thing is in doing so I feel as though I don't owe him an explanation....... just ignore his phone calls and he'll get the message. I did i before via sms and after a couple days of no contact we went back to the same old situation. Do I owe him a reason or is it ok for me to just let go and carry on, I know time is going to make him a healed wound.... I'm trying to be positive, but his seems to be my story: meet guy, develop feelings, get rejected. This is my fourth rejection, I like who i am as a person so i am thinking maybe it has to be my physical attributes that's off putting.... i'm fat and have really bad skin so ......
You don't owe anyone an explanation unless you feel the need to, Sakura. If he's only in your life on his own terms, then he shouldn't be at all surprised to find that you have your own terms as well. He'll see that through your actions, but you may also gain some confidence by simply letting him know you're moving on from here without any further explanation. All too often we get caught up in this type of explaining ourselves only to discover this is an opening for him to question you until you're back to questioning yourself and back to being right where you were before you resolved to let go. This is about you, my beautiful friend and what you need and what honors and loves and respects the beautiful woman you truly are, and not about him.
If it feels like this has become your story, Sakura, then take back your own power and change that story, my beautiful friend. You are so much more than your weight or your skin! Sometimes, we hide behind these stories that we've told ourselves for so long - that we're not slim enough or attractive enough - that keep us from having to do something different because we think it's easier, but it's not. Some of the most beautiful people in the world aren't physically beautifully in the ways we can believe we need to be to keep someone interested in us. They're beautiful because of their inner beauty and their inner confidence that radiates through them with a glow and an energy that's irresistible to someone who's looking for exactly who they are. It's not about being perfect or even close. It's about being your beautiful true self that you were made to be! That's how you attract someone who's truly right for you - and that's how you'll know.
These haven't been rejections of you, Sakura; these guys haven't been right for you! I know it's so hard to see this from this viewpoint when you're in the midst of feeling like this, but know that one day, when you look back on all these relationships you will see them for what they truly were; relationships and men that were not compatible with your beautiful true self, and nothing more complicated than that.
Start creating the story that doesn't have you giving your beautiful self away to just any guy who comes along and seems like he's all that, Sakura. Make sure he's worthy of you and all you have to offer. Learn from some of the dating "mistakes" some of us have learned the hard way. And most of all, remember that this isn't about being chosen or being picked or proving anything to anyone. You're the prize, my beautiful friend, and you never EVER have to convince anyone to be with you who is truly right for you!
I think sometimes we believe they do not think of us.They do... And we stay because theres just something about the relationship that makes it so difficult to let it go. Maybe sex... Maybe something else. I think of him as my weak link. The one you allow in and in your heart but know isnt quite right, no matter how much you want him to be. If only he wanted to be...which pretty much makes him a poor choice.
Think of all the things he offers... and then all the things that you want and he doesnt offer. Settle for the man that offers them all. Right now, he is patiently waiting for you
"...no matter how much you want him to be." That's always what it comes down to; that's the deal breaker if we're open and willing to see if for what it really is. Thanks for adding your thoughts here, Christina; you said this so well.
Like many women here, I too have been in a similar relationship situation. I read something a few months ago that said " never make someone a priority who only makes you an option" This has stayed with me through my breakup and heartache. Every time my heart is heavy and my sadness and fear take over I repeat it to myself and it always brings me a deep inner strength to move forward. Not backwards. Ultimately we attract what we think we deserve and every loving woman deserves a whole, loving, supportive partner, not someone who is indecisive commitment phobic and indifferent.
So true, Julie; and I love that quote "Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option". Exactly!
Gosh I am not suggesting sneaking around.I believe in complete honesty .If he realizes he may lose Anna, that may be the wake up call he needs.
Dear Anna - I am writing this to you and to myself as well. I am experiencing the constant, dull ache of never knowing where I stand. Every day is consumed with re-playing every conversation, every text message. I keep thinking I will find the hidden message that will put my heartache to rest. There are constant gaps in the time we spend together. There are empty promises of plans that never happen. There are phone calls that never come. I am always waiting for him to let me know when he can see me. When we are together it is electric, exciting and fun. I have been told that I am a diamond in his life, I am sunshine, I am a very special person, I am sexy, I am brilliant, etc. etc. These are the words that keep me hooked. But they are just that. Words. I can no longer sit back and hope. I have to take charge and realize that my life is in my hands, not his. I am too good to have him call the shots. I do not want to wait for something to happen. That day may never come. The bottom line is that you are supposed to feel good, relaxed and comfortable in a relationship. It should not be something we have to question everyday. Something is wrong. Go with your instincts. If it helps in anyway, why not think of yourself and keep him around at YOUR convenience and start dating other men until you find someone who deserves you? Sometimes it's better to "look for a job while you still have one" if you get my drift!! Life goes by in seconds, grab it while you can!! Best Wishes.......
Please be careful. Men can be very aggressive. Don't play with a person's feelings. Be honest and upfront. If you are going to date around let everybody involved know. If you sneak you may end up physically injured!
So many words, so many things that keep so many of us hanging on just like you describe here, Ruby, but in reality, it's that "constant, dull ache of never knowing where I stand" that reminds us daily that something isn't right, that it's time to take our own power back and choose YOU! Thanks for contributing to this conversation, my beautiful friend; when you're going through it yourself you understand this all too well.
And you, too, Ruby, you deserve nothing less than someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing with you, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
You are that diamond, you are that sunshine in the lives of those around you, but you are all that and more without him, too!
As you so aptly put it "...it should not be something we have to question everyday." Exactly!
While I may be half your age, I believe that I can properly comment on your situation.
When a man shows you who he is, believe him. And honestly, you should be judging him as well. Judging him in the sense of deciding if hes the type of person you want to be with. Ex: a man who's not your hero when you need male help.
Its time to let him go. Your not a small girl, your a grown woman looking for stability and someone to grow old with. If its not him, it's just not him. No fault on anyone.Don't keep trying! You will hurt more in the future if things don't work out. Im just realizing truly how short life is. You can use your precious time being with someone who is ALL IN! NO MAYBES NO BUTS NO EXCUSES. I'm going through my own similar situation and I've made the choice to let go. Love yourself
Well said, Mimi!
Love your beautiful words here, Mimi; and yes, it's the same message and the same thing we struggle with regardless of our age.
"If its not him, it's just not him. No fault on anyone. Don't keep trying!" Because you simply cannot make anyone love you.
Dearest Anna, you are hurt but not confused. You were able to explain your situation perfectly. And that is a good thing. The hard part is getting past the pain because your "sex life is amazing". His actions sounds like he is married. Think about your daughter as you choose a man to spend your time with. Her choices in life will very much mirror your own. Three years can turn into 30 and the relationship will be the same. If you haven't created a good working relationship by now how long are you willing to wait? The choice is really yours. And yes you do know what you should do, but can you do it?
Thanks for this, Carolyn; I couldn't have said this any more beautifully myself.
OMG!! That is my situation as well!! Same type of guy, same time frame, same good sex!!! The only difference is that my daughter is grown up and moved out.
My guy is a trucker also and has crazy start hours and can be away for days at a time. It is exhausting work and it is hard to have a normal life.
I ask myself every day if it is worth it! I find that if i just live my life on my terms that he keeps himself in the picture. I still ask myself if it is want I really want. He is a good guy with a heart of gold but still selfish to a large degree. I know that my guy is scared of getting hurt and is frightened of giving a true commitment due to a past experience and he is not good with change.
It is a very tough call with these types of guys; as their job makes it hard to have a normal life.
If my guy was not such a sweet sensitive guy at heart he would of been gone long ago. I even gave him a dear john letter and returned his things. He just never went away!
I understand her dilemma as I have been asking myself the same things. I even know that if it was my daughter that I would tell her that she deserves more; but she has to go with her heart.
Since I have been living for myself my guy is making himself more available to me and more willing to be with me to do things. If they really want you in their life they will find time to make for you. It is taking time and I still wonder if its worth it.
Mine does make efforts so I allow him to still be in my life; if he was making no effort than he would be gone.
I think she should put her foot down and tell him what she wants and give him a time frame to do it and stick with it. If he does not compromise....then let him go and find yourself someone that deserves you!!!
And that's always what it always comes down to, Kim; is he worth it? Thanks for sharing your own story here and being part of this conversation.
It's so, so, so very hard to let go. The fact that you have not heard boo from him in 3 weeks is pretty telling, and very painful no doubt. If you're wondering what to do, try and look at it this way....what advice would you give your daughter in this situation? The way you are allowing your self to be treated by this man, would you be ok with your daughter allowing herself to be treated the same? If your answer is NO, then you have your answer. A relationship, while being challenging at times, is supposed to bring positive things to your life...not angst, doubt and heartache. Good sex aside....he's causing you more pain than pleasure.
That was the best answer....WISDOM!!!
Great advice, Amanda; thanks for adding to this.
"Pretty Boys" the "Ugly Boys" both can break you heart. I have experienced both!! Now I am waiting on the right man...handsome on the inside!!! When they are handsome on the inside they become handsome on the outside.
So true, BRD. It's if he's compatible with you - and available in all the ways that matter - that's worth everything!
I completely agree with Donna. "Pretty boys" just break your heart every time. Find a man of substance who deserves and appreciates you!
"Find a man of substance who deserves and appreciates you!" Beautifully put, Sharon.
Wow this letter and article really hit home for me this morning !!!!!!!! I have 2 men in my life NO not in that way at all !!!!!! One man is never there for me and just comes in and out of my life like the wind and sunshine. When I am in contact with him I am all warm in him then when I do not hear from him for days I am all cold and dark. Then I have someone who proves himself and how he feels for me every single day. Yes I know I am in a pickle and yes I know my own answer. Yes I have let Mr. Fly in and out go !!!!!!!!! He was not serious and more so not dependable or there for me at all.
I am with Mr. Stability and loves me to the moon and back and would walk over hot coals to get to me. I was only attracted to Mr. Handsome and thinks he is God's gift to every woman. I am with a Man of quality now and means what he says and a man of his word and it is wonderful !!! Those pretty boys are just not worth it. Look great on the outside and have learned the master of what to say to get you to do what they only want but so not worth it !!!!! They are shallow and empty on the inside and only are in love with themselves.
LOOKS are not everything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks & True Love
Donna
So true, Donna; when you're been there, you understand what really matters. In the thick of it, it's so much harder for us to see it for ourselves.
i think that she should move on...Shes beautiful and shouldnt be let down by him.. and he doesnt respond much afterthe break up because he knows how much you really care about him..Honestly; he doesnt deserve you.. I think you should move on..Explore;get to know yourself better..As a single mum be happy as being you and support yourself as well... This man thinks you need him soo much..You dont..Hope that helped and hope you find MR.Right whose ready to settle..
Great advice; thanks Tash 🙂
If you are not a 100% YES then it' a NO
I agree, Jackie; we can convince ourselves it's a gray area when in reality, it's just not.
There is no gray area when it comes to some things in life. Such as something like this.