Find and get to know your inner diva.
I’ve got some breaking news: you don’t need a man to define your life! You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. In fact, it’s the opposite – your life is exactly that – yours. Men (at least the healthy ones) like women who have their own life. If a man wants a woman who’s going to devote their entire being to him, and cater to his every whim, then he’s got his own issues and we don’t want to go there anyway.
Your life is what you choose to make of it. You can keep waiting and hoping for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to be in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own. But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you. Because you can do it, too! Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? You can! You can do anything, be anything, and achieve anything, if you believe in yourself that you can.
Hear me on this one. The only reason that you can’t do something is because you don’t believe you can! Do you get that? Deep down inside of you, if there’s that inner voice telling you you’re no good, you’re going to fail, you can’t do this, who do you think you are?, then you’re not going to be able to do it and you probably are going to fail. But if you can find that little girl deep within you who once upon a time truly believed she could do anything - and I mean anything - she wanted to do, before she was told either indirectly or directly that it wasn’t ok for her to do this, it’s not ok to do that, that isn’t ladylike, isn’t feminine, isn’t attractive, isn’t girly, isn’t appropriate - whatever messages she got, then you’re on your way to getting it right.
You are the only one who can set the record straight: that she can follow her dreams and become whatever she wants to and dream those out of reach dreams , and reach for the stars and catch them, and make that dream come true herself – yourself. Do you get that? You’ve been fed a string of lies - don’t even try, you’re too frail, too fragile, too beautiful, too whatever. Limiting, limiting, limiting. Stifling, stifling, stifling. But I’m here to tell you - you’re not that. That’s not you. That’s what they wanted you to be and pigeon holed you into it. If you know exactly what I mean, it’s because it happened to most of us. But it’s not true. We’ve bought into it because they were supposed to know better. And when we pleased them and lived our lives like this, they loved us so. And that felt so good. To be loved like that. So we lived like that to be loved like that and guess what, here we are doing it all over again.
The good news is that since we’ve been working through Steps number 1 through 6, this one’s basically a freebie – the confidence just starts building – in fact there’s no way to stop it. So far we’ve learned to relax and not try to be something we’re not; we’re getting to know ourselves, our interests and our passions; we’re doing what we love to do without listening to what others think we should be doing; we’ve broken out of our shells and are starting to talk to and meet all kinds of new people; we’re keeping an open mind and trying all sorts of new things, and we’re treating ourselves the way we know we want to be treated.
When we start doing these things, and really see the changes in our life, our happiness, and our whole being, our inner diva just emerges like a beautiful butterfly coming out of the cocoon she’s been in for so long. Let’s let her out to be free to try out these beautiful new wings she’s just discovered she has.
This is also a good time to remind ourselves of everything we’ve accomplished. Make a list of the amazing changes that you’ve seen so far – people you’ve met, things you’ve done, new feelings you’ve felt. It doesn’t matter how big or small – it could be as simple as “tried that new sushi place I’ve been wanting to go to” or “went for a horseback ride for the first time”, or anything else that you’ve done that you were previously waiting for the right guy to do it with. We’re not waiting anymore! Go ahead and put a few of your favorites on post-it notes and stick them to your bathroom mirror so you can remind yourself every morning of your progress. As new changes happen, change out the post-it notes (you can save the old ones in a notebook or scrapbook if you like).
Now that we’ve found out who we really are, and what’s really inside of us, we may just find out that what we’re really looking for isn’t what we thought we were looking for after all. Or, as we’ll see in the next step, it may be something we’re surprised to discover about ourselves…
I love this post. It is exactly what I have been doing. I have been learning of letting go of judgment, of bitterness, of boredom and of being in a hurry of finding that special someone. I have focused on doing exactly the things I have wanted to do to become the person I really am. I went on a holiday on my own, I have been taking time for myself and my dreams and tried my best at work. I feel energetic most of the time and do these things that make me happy but sometimes I also feel sad like now or perhaps it is just that I'm bored. Recently I am not sure anymore if I am only pretending or shutting myself from many things from outside world.
This doubt came just when I was having most fun. I met a man. Yes they always seem to be messing things up. I met a man that seemed everything that I had already thought that did not exist. He was kind and we had a things in common and from the outside he seemed the exact man I wanted to meet. Although we met during a weekend trip and I did not get to know him at all I liked him and after that trip I have not been able to get him out of my mind. Nothing much happened between us we talked a lot and had strolls around our cabin we stayed in but he still somehow touched me deep in my soul or I think he did. One thing that really made me start doubting my own agenda was what he said to me. Apparently from the start when I met him I made it very clear for him that I was not interested in anyone that had participated this weekend trip. I was surprised when I heard this and it made me think am I really shutting myself of from men. I have become so independent and I am honestly happy with my life, that I am not letting anyone into my life because I have my prejudiced attitude and I judge the book by the cover. The truth is I did have my guards up when I met him but once I noticed he was not like others, I started liking him and once we talked I understood this guy is something exactly I hope for.
The trip is over now and other than that we did not make any plans of seeing each other again. He lives in the same area though and is a friend of a friends boyfriend but the only contact I have to him is that he is my friend in facebook now. But still I don't even know if I meet him again. And even if I do perhaps the moments are gone. Because of this counter my dreams and energy on focusing on things I really want to do is lower. I am confused.
I think my question is how to focus again and is it the right way to focus on things I do on my own or is it me pretending I am having fun? Should I still have my dreams and focus on them and wait for the right man to come to my life in peace and not being in a hurry. Because right now that man is really messing my mind now and my dreams have quickly shifted again.
Time will tell what will happen and while waiting for this I tell myself do not panic, keep calm and enjoy life.
So great to hear from you again, Annie. 🙂 Sometimes, when we are doing things differently and not following our old, familiar patterns but living our own lives for a change, we may find that our paths cross with someone who causes us to question ourselves and throws us off the path we were just starting to get comfortable with. It is very interesting the way you describe this man you encountered, and even more interesting how free he felt to impose a judgment on you by letting you know his very subjective perception of you and the situation even though it doesn't sound like you felt he was very accurate. I'm curious as to why he felt the need to tell you this, as it almost sounds like he put that out there as a way to find out where you actually were, but by coming across in such an offensive way, clearly he had his own agenda and wasn't comfortable with approaching you in a less offensive way that would put anyone on the defensive.
I hope that makes sense, Annie. What I'm trying to say here is that it sounds like this was about him, and not at all about you. And yet so often, I have found that just when we are getting a true sense of ourselves, and starting to feel like we are finally letting go of our doubts about ourselves, we encounter someone who gives us a reason to second guess everything. It sounds like this might have been what happened here, because if you were interested in him, I'm sure you would have given off a vibe that you were open to him - if you felt it was safe to do so! Don't doubt yourself here; it sounds like he got under your skin because that was exactly what he was trying to do, for a reason that had everything to do with him, and that you picked up on this and didn't invite him in. Because if he had been someone who you could trust, or felt safe with, it would have been light and easy and not this complicated. It would have been simple, and just some conversations or something along those lines. Don't let this encounter or this man affect your passionate dreams or your beautiful energy for one moment more!
You are exactly where you are meant to be, Annie, and you are the one who's gotten to this new point on your beautiful journey by being true to yourself and not by letting someone's else opinion of you or judgment on you change that. Accept this confusion as a gift to remind yourself that you're human, that this journey is all about two steps forward, one step back, but then let it go, knowing that you know better than anyone else who you are and what you're looking for. He obviously triggered something in you to give you these doubts, but sometimes that's exactly what happens to strengthen us on this new path and to reaffirm who you know you truly are and just how strong you can be!
Keep your focus, Annie, keep living your life, keep that beautiful calm that comes from living your life the way you choose and not giving into anyone else's agenda and remember that the only one you answer to is you! Keep this all as simple and uncomplicated as you possibly can because the love of your life will find you right where you are, right where you want to be, doing exactly what comes naturally to you. You will know, Annie, and there will be a feeling of peace about it and about him, because love is never complicated, and never requires us to second guess ourselves or become so confused. And yes, you've got it, time will always tell, and you can trust yourself and your gut instincts in the meantime. It's that trusting of ourselves that can be so hard for us to do, but if you can look at these situations objectively and remember all that you are, and all that you have to offer someone, be assured that you will know when you're with someone who is worthy of you, and you will open when you feel like he is worth getting to know better.
I agree with you completely, Jackie. I simply don't understand these female relationship coaches who preach how to change to attract and keep a man. What? If he doesn't want the real me he needs to move along. And, sadly, there are women out there who pay money for that kind of advice.
Love your confidence, Brenda. Being your true self is absolutely the only way you're going to find out if he's the one for you!
As of late I am using the dog owner analogy when it comes to dating. You know how they say you can tell alot about a person by the kind of dog they have. I am either a Belgian Malinois or a German Shepherd. So the one who wants a "breed" like me, is drawn by specific things that a Jack Russell or Chi-wa-wa doesn't possess. I like all dogs but breed characteristics are that particular. Those who pick their heart breed whatever it is, is perfect for the them, and vice-versa. If I tried to be the best version of someone other than myself the odds would go up that I'd attract the wrong person because eventually he will find out the truth. Then he would be right to feel conned.
And the irony here is that while almost everyone of us gets this when you're talking about dogs, when we try to apply it to ourselves, we make it so much more complicated!
But it makes perfect sense and is, in my opinion, accurate. I love my German Shepherd. If I had a dog by any other breed it would not feel like a good match. Something is missing because I need an intelligent, athletic, and protective dog who is aloof and weary of strangers. They were bred to sniff out people with bad intentions. Then there are Golden Retrievers who like everyone, kind of like sluts.
Be careful following Matthew Hussey, I think he does tell you not to be yourself as he says you should hold a man to certain standards, well how about just accepting them as they are and appreciating what they do, if they don't treat you right move on.
I bought his online programme 'Keep the Guy' and it really hurt my relationship as I was so busy watching the videos and trying to act in the way it told me that I completely lost myself and it made me very ill. Also I think Matt implies you have to show ur a rare gem to make a man committ well you are enough as you are you don't have to show a man how great you are. Evan Mark Katz makes sense, being in your feminine energy and letting him be in the masculine makes most sense,so you relax and be yourself, accept the man as he is and let him steer the direction of the relationship, mirroring him. Then once you're together you spend a year or two figuring out if you are right for each other and if marriage isn't on the cards after that you threaten to walk.
I'm glad I am not the only one who thinks that way. Very few female relationship coaches seem to be balanced. The only one I seem to like in that regards is Debi Berndt. She is not pushing male worship which leads to sexual dis-empowerment. On the other end of the spectrum is Marni Battista of Dating with Dignity. Some of her products, such as How to Get Everything From a Man, just is one big manipulation workshop. She told me to not knock it till you try it but every guy friend I showed it to said he would be offended if he found out his girlfriend was following that program and would feel totally manipulated.
P.S. The opposite of male worship is respect for masculinity as a complementary opposite, yet equal. If that makes any sense.
I love this post. So much dating advice out there, especially female coaches, is tied up in male worship which is the contrary to being a self respecting woman attracting a man who is respectful for her. This is a reminder that women should read often. In my own life, I'm aiming for a balance between being ready now for a committed relationship versus enjoying my life exactly as it is right now being still available. I know there is nothing wrong with being single. Being single is being single. Being married makes you married not happy. Happy resides within me.
I love the way you put this into words, Jackie; I couldn't have made these distinctions better myself. And yes, it's exactly that balance that's key to living in the reality of what is now while still being open to the wonderful future that's still to come!
I got the saying being married makes you married not happy from my friend whose parents and grandparents have and had very long marriages that were happy. They were from Europe and traditional but it was something that they would tell their kids and grandkids. My friend told me this years ago and I've always remembered it. That's why dating programs titled "How to get everything you want from a man" or "have a man fall at your feet" seem so manipulative. Like taking and getting is really what its about and if that makes you happy, then you'll always be looking for more from someone else. I like what Matt Hussey says, that you should get more rejection because you're not everyone's type. Only a chameleon is wanted by everyone. But being yourself, your best self, probably stands a better chance of attracting and keeping the one who is right for you.
That's beautiful, Jackie; and so true. We get so caught up in the idea that we've been rejected by someone, when really, what we've been given is such a gift! To know you're not a fit, to know you're not each other's types, is worth so much in the long run, even if we can't see it - and of course we can't! - when we're going through it. If we could see it that way, we would get that it's all about avoiding who's not right for us and finding out who is, and whevenever we can find that out early, the better for all of us!
I grew up being the ethnic and overweight girl in a sea of Texas blondes. My looks were perceived as weird and odd. My background is Dutch-Indonesian and when puberty hit, the boys didn't notice me or had no clue what to do with me. So they just ignored me. But I never tried to physically fit in or alter my personality to gain adolescent popularity points. The way I look is not going to change into a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader any time soon and I don't want to be blonde with blue eyes. So I learned early on that if I'm not a guy's type to walk away right away. Not worth it.
When I didn't follow my own advice last Fall I paid the price. I should have known better because the guy went to an infamous party school ranked by Playboy Magazine in the top 10 with co-ed playmates all around campus. No way would I be his type but I went on the damn date anyway, major mistake. However, as much as I was attracted back then there is no way I would have turned my personality into the kind that he wanted. Forget that. Learned my lesson at 12 thanks very much. He didn't hurt me. I hurt myself by going against my own wisdom.
Now I like to joke with friends that my favorite actor likes my type and I'm just going to have to wait for a guy like him. BTW, my favorite actor is seriously handsome (Michael Fassbender) so it's a misnomer that only Greeks go for my type. My point is, when I hear dating coaches go on about how to get an alpha male by becoming a Southern Belle and flirting like Sofia Vergara, I cringe. That is not the approach for everyone. For some, like me I would become very uncomfortable in my own skin because its contrary to my nature. One is not better than the other but each finds the perfect person for them. There are no perfect people but a perfect match does exist. Think about it, would a K9 handler not look weird and unnatural paired with a Maltese or a Pekingese?
I like your analogy, Jackie; how true! It's interesting how we come to this realization, each in our own time and way, that trying to be something you're not so that someone you put on a pedestal will see your worth and choose you, only leads to greater heartbreak when we find our true selves inevitably revealed. We can get so caught up in being the perfect girlfriend that we forget to make sure he's worthy of us!
And I find it fascinating just how relative our experiences of being different are because I was that skinny blue-eyed blond but I, too, was teased and picked on because of that! And while it sounds like you were able to become stronger in yourself and who you are,so many of us struggle though that stage of feeling like a misfit and go through being teased or ostracized without acquiring that inner confidence in ourselvse, but instead become even more convinced that we have some inherent flaw that will never allow us to be loved for who we are.
It's then such a short stretch to become the pleasers who keep trying to be what everyone else wants us to be - including the one we so want to love us - just to prove that we are loveable and have worth! The irony is always that it backfires so painfully on us when it finally comes to an end and we are left wondering what went wrong because we thought we did everything right.
We trust everyone else to tell us what to do except ourselves and our own intuition because we have no idea who we really are deep down inside, much less what we deserve, since the only messages we received about our true selves were negative ones that kept us loathing ourselves on such a deep level as we keep trying to find that love and acceptance that we will only be ready for when we finally come to that place of love and acceptance for ourselves.
What I have learned is that people are teased for various reasons. If its not that they look different its for something else. So we are all in this together. Matt Hussey has that women should only like a guy to the extent that he likes them, to avoid unnecessary heartbreak. He also emphasizes that a guy needs to earn his place in a woman's life. Very true. Sometimes it is hard to not really like someone who catches your heart, but it's best to invest in a person only when they are clearly just into you.
So true, Jackie! Always commit to him only as much as he's committing to you!