I often hear women asking whether or not their relationship is the real thing.
Wondering if the guy they’re with is the right one for them. Wondering what they should do. And in most cases, as soon as they start describing their situation, it becomes pretty clear that there’s a lot more going on in their situation than love.
If there’s one mantra to make your own, it’s one that states it clearly and simply: real love is never complicated. Ever.
If, right now, you’re in a situation where there’s a long, drawn out, dramatic story about your relationship, then it’s complicated.
If you’re telling your friends about how he sometimes acts like he’s interested, sometimes not.
If he’s giving you mixed signals.
If he's becoming emotionally distant.
If you’re feeling as though you should say something about some question mark in your mind, but you’re on the fence as to whether you want to be direct or not.
If you’re often not sure what he’s really thinking.
If he’s got an old girlfriend who keeps coming in and out of the picture.
If he says one thing but his actions are indicating something else.
If he’s telling you to just give him some time to get his head together.
If he’s got some stranger than fiction story about how everything fits into his life (including you).
If he’s got an excuse or an explanation for everything you question him about that just doesn’t seem quite right.
Well, then you get the picture – it’s complicated.
The point is, if the situation is complicated, your description of it takes more than a couple sentences to explain, and you find yourself making excuses or justifying why the relationship is not exactly your ideal, then this is not love you’re talking about.
I know, we’ve all been in or heard about the high drama relationships of so-called love where there’s all the angst, passion, chemistry, high strung emotions and everything else that makes it feel like the real thing, but the reality is that those kind of relationships, while they may be exciting at first, quickly begin to feel like anything but love.
I know. I’ve been there too.
The bottom line is that anytime you’ve got that much going on in a relationship, it’s not love.
Because love is just not that. Real love is simple. Real relationships are simple.
When you’ve only had that complicated kind of love, when that’s the only kind of relationship you’ve ever known, you won’t know the difference until you’ve experienced a different kind of love - the real kind.
So until you do, just know that anytime you’re trying to explain, to others or to yourself, why the relationship you’re in really is love, stop right there. Because if it really is love, there would be no explaining needed.
You’ll know. In your heart. Love really is simple.
It follows a simple formula: he’s available + you’re available + he wants to be with you + you want to be with him + you’re both open to a relationship with each other and seeing where it takes you.
That’s it.
There are no games, no drama, no tension. I told you it was simple.
Note that I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy. If you don’t get it right away, it’s OK. Be gentle with yourself here.
If you’re used to seeing complicated as the norm for love, it will take some time before you can see how simple it really is. And it will take some real soul-searching to understand why you continue to find yourself in these dramatic relationships, and why you continue to hang on to them.
Talking it over with a trusted friend or family member or a good relationship counselor, or just writing out your thoughts on paper, is a great way to gain clarity, and is the first step to break us free of the cycle of these toxic relationships that masquerade as love.
So next time you’re asking yourself the question, is it love? Use the simple/complicated litmus test and I think you’ll find it clear.
Love is never complicated. Ever.
Are you in or have you been in a relationship that's "complicated"? Share your story with us below in the comments!
My name is Mr. Christy... And i was in love(i think it is love btw) with a girl of my own age...our relationship started 5 years ago...and lasted just 2 years..We were just 14 and i was very toxic throughout the time... And i was beginning to change or understand her only at the end... But she was extremely fed up with me and broke up.... But we were in touch.. Till last year... We were like friends... And these past years i had 1 or to relationships.. But i was never satisfied with any... And.. In the last year, when we were in call overnight... Just talking about the old stuff.. And she finally confessed to me... That she haven't forgotten me and she loves me...i couldn't control my feelings... Cause all these years i could never forget her... I could never forget what i've done... And we were dating for 3 months... And she just began to lose feelings... I dont know what happened i tried to do whatever i can do for her... But she wanted to break up... When i asked the reason she said..."Christy, loving you is so hard.., I dont want it to be this complicated.. I want it to be simple.. And i cant love you.. "I didnt know what the fck did it mean... But i accepted it..... And thinking about our relationship..., when we were young i told myself an excuse that i was young ..... But now.. I didnt get what happened... And her words make me google about "What makes love complicated?".. And.. Me Voìla..
I really love your article and I came across it because I was thinking the exact same thing that Love happens when two people are available and willing to explore a relationship on a deep level and Ofcourse + Chemistry. I have had various experiences in relationships and sometimes they do start off in a turbulent manner and then relaxed into a strong and passionate love. The reason it worked was because we both had the willingness and were available to each other to love and accept each other. So basically, I think every path to a long sustaining relationship does not happen the same way for everyone in the beginning but your formula should be a determining factor in knowing if one should keep on or let go. No point fighting for anyone who is unavailable and unwilling.
Thank you so much for this.
You've got a really good understanding of how this works, Katia. So glad I could confirm what you intuitively knew!
Hi,I met a girl who had a baby,fell in love with her. She told me the baby's father left her and told her to go on with her life. I loved her dearly but she told she had to leave the country and she will work out things so that I join her. Eventually I heard that she was reunited with her baby's father. They now have three more kids and I got emotionally wrecked when she left and got hooked up with someone else and we now have three kids.
My problem is that the lady who left me now says that she loves me more than she loves her husband. The truth of the matter is that I love her too. Does she really love me or is she saying she loves me because her husband is so controlling and is madly in love with her,though she says she doesn't love him as much as she does love me.
Hi Jane: exactly my question "what it love"... Many times I have asked myself this question. I am currently going through the divorce process. My husband did not want the divorce but I fell as if we were leaving in the routine and had fallen out of love therefore I initiated it. Divorce has not been finalized and during this time we have attempted to work on getting together but I'm so confused. He says he loves me and is willing to do everything to make it work. Me on the other hand want to work things out but I'm an emotional mess. When I see my husband I want to hold him and never let go. But when he is around me I become guarded, feel as if there was a wall between us. I love him and I know he loves me. Why can't I just let go and give in so this can work. Or let go and set him free. Please help me!
Because there's something more here for you,Lizz. Don't fight the going through! You're finding out you can't live on that fence and for good reason, because living on that fence is no way to live! Now you're coming to the choosing part, which side, which one do you choose? There's no one here to choose for you, it's come down to you.
Hi Jane, I am in a complicated situation and I need your advice.
I have been chasing after a girl for 3 months and recently we started going for dates on the 4th month even though we aren't official as a couple. After hanging out with each other for that 1 month, she said that she likes me too but would want to have some time to confirm her feelings and suggest us not to meet on the individual level, no mushy texts and simply just being friends.
Right now, I have no idea what's going on with her and it's really frustrating being not able to be with the girl I like, and not being able to tell her too. Is it worth the wait? I mean, do most females usually make the guy go through all these? I'm really starved from not being able to love her.
Is this website for guy to??
There are many guys who relate to what I write about here, Demetrios. Many simply substitute "she" for "he" and they find exactly the answers they're looking for. Welcome!
hello Jane. i write u mail too. i came to see a good answer about "love is complicated why?" from ask.fm and my bf wrote that it is complicated when we can't get it.
so what should i write on my ask? please tell me a short good answer
It's only as complicated as someone wants it to be, Boo. The question to ask is why it's complicated, how to make it less complicated, and then let your answer be in your boyfriend's willingness to work out the complication. That's what's so telling!
Please help me jane I am so confused I met this guy on pof and we swapped no,s he wanted my no ASAP I didn't mind then he txt I decided to ignore him ,then 6weeks later he txt again again I ignored him then 3 months on he msges me on watt sapp.
So I decided to give it a go,as he was so persistent,3days of msging from him we then met he took me for coffee,we got on amazingly,laughed 4 hours later departed he kissed me chemistry was amazing ,we msges each other well he did lol 2days later we met he came to mine we had lots kissing and foreplay ,I was gagging for him then he says I'm not going to sleep with u tonight I was in shock ,,,,,,after this I started msging txting non stop he replied now and then then suddenly went quite ,I txt again again like some crazed love struck teen then we met again chatted had coffee ,,,he said we could be friends but that's it for now I said ok I have friends no thanks and said I'd delete him suddenly he grabbed me kissed me passionately,and u guessed it I started txting like a loony whats wrong with me ..? PLEASE HELP
Always go especially slow with the guy who comes on so fast, Colleen. You're worth taking the time to get to know, and clearly this guy is more turned on by the chase and the push and pull of what he can't have, then with the steady rhythm of a real relationship that takes time to grow. There's nothing wrong with you; just a programming that so many of us are conditioned with to believe that this is what love is made of. It's so not!
If there are so many hurdles at the onset and so many obstacles to overcome, it's not worth it. Love flows easily.
So true, Jackie. "Love flows easily."
Wow, you are awesome, Jane... Thank your for your carefully-written and thought-out response... I am going to re-read it, and get back to you... And to him... Last night we basically called it quits, but we both feel there is more to explore, since it is not easy to find people like each other...
I can start focusing on what I love about him, and what I love about him physically, too...
I love what your say, which comes out of your wisdom and expertise...
I also want to go read the other two articles you referred to...
Wish me luck, and thank you so much, dear + beautiful Jane!
In gratitude & faith that I am getting to true love ; )
Monica.
Thank you for your awesome blog + posts, like this one, which I think is actually the CORE of the whole gettingtotruelove.com...
I´ve got this simple formula with the man I´ve been dating, but I don´t feel the chemistry yet... Jane, from your wisdom, is it possible to make a switch in your head, to get that chemistry I´ve had in my previous relationships, from a man that has basically all the qualities I´ve wanted... But for whom I don´t feel so passionate about?
P.S. I´m used to dating much younger men... This guy is 12 years older than me, which I think is fine, but I have felt really weird when starting to get physical... I´ve even been thinking that I´ve really got to associate a good man with great chemistry... After all, it all starts in the brain... Very interesting...
My man compass hasn´t worked before, so I´ve got to re-tune it ; )
Thank you in advance for your answer...
It really depends on what you're getting from him, Monica. There has to be something there that attracts you, as I talked about in a previous post on fireworks, but it is about re-tuning your mind - as you say! - if you've been attracted to the all-chemistry highs of unhealthy men who trigger needs in us at such a subconscious level right away before you've had a chance to find out if he's truly worthy of you!
There's a reason why you're dating this current man, so focus on what you are attracted to in him. What does he have that the others didn't? What does he do for you that others couldn't? What makes him unique? What about him makes you laugh when you're with him? What about him makes you feel safe and secure when you're with him? Look at the things you have in common, those things that make you truly compatible and a match and by reminding yourself of what that feels like to have those things in common - as well as those qualities he has that complement what you bring - and eventually you'll find yourself realizing what's really important to you and what your new "must haves" really are without so much being focused on that chemistry.
Also, think of the two of you down the road together once you've gotten to know each other a lot better and compare the reality of day to day living with him versus the other men you've been with in your life and see if that helps make him more attractive to you. Remembering all the other unhealthy aspects that go along with that intensity of chemistry you've been used to really helps to put the proper perspective on what chemistry is really about, but ultimately, if all of this still leaves you longing for there to be something more in that dept. and you feel like you're convincing yourself to feel it with him more than you're actually enjoying being with him, you may have to accept that he's still not a match for you. I understand completely what you're saying here, Monica; trust yourself and your gut instincts after you've given this a chance to see where it goes; you'll know. 🙂