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4 Ways Your Mom Messed Up Your Love Life

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Whether we recognize it or not, your mom has a say in who you become and even who you date. A beautiful mother sitting on the couch with her beautiful but upset daughter.Mother's Day is fast approaching and it got me thinking about the ways in which our mothers affect our dating patterns. Whether we recognize it or not, your mom has a say in who you become and even who you date.

As much as you'd like to think that you're completely separate from her and aren't influenced by what she thinks of you, the fact is you're influenced by mom more than you'd like to believe.

Here's just a sampling of the ways she's managed to wrangle herself into your dating life:

1. It started when you were a baby.

Researchers have found that the ability to love, trust and work through arguments is developed during infancy and can directly affect behavior in future relationships.

If your mother was distant or emotionally cold to you when you were a baby, you may find it very difficult to allow yourself to love and be loved later in life.

While these tendencies were developed before you were forming memories or even able to speak, that doesn't mean they can't be overcome but it does mean you may have some additional hurdles.

2. She set the example.

We're naturally programmed to view the type of relationship that our parents had as the norm, so if your parents had a loving, trusting, long-lasting relationship, then you're in luck.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

With roughly half of marriages ending in divorce, many more on the brink and others that are just downright dysfunctional, the majority of us are following examples that are less than stellar.

Continue reading on YourTango.com...

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

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It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. A beautiful woman is riding a bike in a field living life to the fullest.We can feel so lost sometimes. We wonder when love will find us, how it will happen, and what it will look like, and we forget just how much in control of our lives and our search for love we really are. Yes, fate or the Universe or God, or whatever you believe in, may all play a role and ultimately step in and help guide our path and the path of our true love when we are both ready to find each other, but there is so much more to our story.

There is a part that we are so very much in control of that we can do everything about. It begins with a decision that you can do something right here, right now, beginning with today. You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is the real you. You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew, right where you are, and see where this new path may lead.

It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. It always means more when you put it down in writing, so write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique. Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step and make you feel alive when you do them. Remind yourself of all of your accomplishments, big or small. This exercise is about reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you possess that make you uniquely you. It's to remind you that you deserve to be loved!

The next step is to make a list. Write out everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could or didn't have time, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason - all the way back to your earliest childhood memories. Try a new sport, take a dance class, learn to play the cello,whatever it may be. Even if you’re not sure if you could really do it, include it anyway. This isn't about limiting yourself; it’s about exploring everything you've ever even thought about doing. Even if it seems silly! Then go out there and try one or two.

One of the things I've found that always seems to put my own life in perspective is to give back to others who are in so many ways less fortunate. So I would encourage you to consider volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish? How could you make a difference? Most importantly, what are you passionate about? Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you.

Wherever you feel you could you make that difference in the world, start in your local community.  Take the time to explore this, to ask yourself these questions and find out what you really care about and where you would really enjoy making a difference in the lives of others. There are so many possibilities to explore!

Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our own answers. You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that so many of us forget is always there waiting for her turn to show you all that she’s capable of, if only she's given half a chance. When we connect with that part of ourselves that knows all this, that just needs a reminder; we find a real kind of living. The kind where the possibilities seem endless and don’t hinge on us being in the right place at the right time, waiting for life to reward us.

Instead, we find a rich journey full of so much life and love because we go after it, we go exploring that part of ourselves that knows all of this. There is no secret to this seeking of love and a life worth living that makes everything else in the world rise up to meet us. It’s right there, right in front of you beginning today right where you are, wherever that may be.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. People defy the odds and statistics all the time. This is about you stepping out and finding out that it is at the intersection of your fullest life and your greatest outpouring of love, there waiting for you is exactly the one your heart and soul have been looking for all this time.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than this!

It's Time to Raise the Bar!

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We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us. A beautiful woman is lifting a barbel on her shoulders.Don't ever doubt that you teach him how to treat you. That each of us teaches each and every man out there how to treat us and every other woman who comes after us. When you're wondering how he can ask for your number and then never call. When you're wondering how he can text you at the last minute on a Friday night and ask if the two of you can get together. When you're wondering how he can lead you on and then one day reveal that he was never interested in anything more than a casual relationship when you finally get up the nerve to ask.

There's only one reason: it's because we've put up with this.

He learned that from yet another beautiful woman who went before you that accepted less than she deserved. And the ones before her as well. We've all collectively taught men that they can get away with treating us like this.

You see, we've made everyone so proud of just how accommodating and understanding we are, that we never knew, in our hearts, that someone has to earn the right to be with us. To have us in their lives. We learned that good little girls simply agree and go along with what others want us to be if it means they will love us and give us the life we're looking for. That security, and feeling of being chosen, being lovable, that we so crave on every level of our awareness.

And so we lower the bar.

We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us.

And so we jump when he calls us or texts us. We hold off on making plans until the last minute in the hope that he'll finally make plans with us first.

We wait.

We hold off on living our own lives, blazing our own path because he's so close and he's all that. And our own missed opportunities come and go. Our own dreams never see their fulfillment. He has no idea what we're capable of, of the woman we really are, because we're afraid to scare him off. After all, we tell ourselves, he might not want a strong woman or one who isn't afraid to speak her mind.

We forget that someone who is truly meant for us is looking for exactly who we are! He isn't intimidated by any part of us, and in fact, he has been waiting for someone just exactly like we are.

And the most important part is that when it's right, he feels the same way about us as we feel about him. That's what makes it work.

Not anything you think you have to do to make him love you.

Not anything you believe you have to settle for to get him to keep coming back for more.

Not anything you think you have to prove to have someone like him love you.

Because every time you behave like this, every time you show him that it's OK to treat you like this, you teach him that it is OK.

But it's not.

It never is. It's time to raise the bar. For you, and for every woman that comes after you who comes to understand this truth, too.

You, my beautiful friend deserve so much more than this!

 

Is Your Past Getting in the Way of Your Future?

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We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from.  A beautiful woman is looking out from behind a chain link fence, symbolic of her own beliefs that are keeping her from having the relationship she wants.
"Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

I received an email the other day that really got to me. It was from a reader who felt that her past behavior with men had precluded her from having a future with a good man. My heart went out to her. It brought back to me all those times I, too, questioned my own worthiness of a different kind of love with a different kind of man, because of my past less than perfect decisions.

Because it doesn't matter where we've been, what we've been through, on some level so many of us have experienced that feeling, that question in our minds of whether where we've been, where we've come from, has somehow excluded us from having our own happily ever after with a man of character. And the longer it takes, the more we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again, finding ourselves with the same type of men, just a different name, but the same MO, we question it even more. Is this our punishment? Were we that bad? Have we done something that unforgivable?

It says more about our culture than it says about you.

We live in a culture that is all too much about punishment than grace, about blame than compassion, about shame than empathy and understanding. From a young age we learn that bad behavior deserves to be punished, that it doesn't matter why we do something, it’s the outward behavior that counts. And so with a culture that is so unforgiving and judgmental toward each other, it's not surprising that we treat ourselves this same way and expect that others will judge us this way, too.

And that’s the problem.

It isn't our past behaviors that keep us living this way, with this kind of self-punishing attitude toward ourselves. It isn't where we've been and what we've done in our lives that we’re not proud of that keep us stuck in our patterns. It's the way we feel about ourselves. It's this baggage we're carrying around. It’s this kind of judgmental, punitive thinking that keeps us stuck and repeating the same patterns over and over again because we've learned our cultural mantras so well, we have no doubt that we don’t deserve anything better than this.

You did the best with what you knew at the time.

Whatever you did, however you behaved, it was where you were at the time. It was the best you knew how to do. When we are desperate, when there is a need so deep within us that we feel like we would rather die than be alone or left one more time, it isn't just about being alone. It is about a need that runs so deep and so subconscious that it defies all logic and reality. That’s the whole point. It isn’t something that you logically made a decision to do. It seemed to take on a life of its own. You didn’t know any better. These aren’t excuses; they are what your reality was at the time. The triggers that weren’t about an adult woman making a healthy logical decision, but were more of the scared little girl inside making a decision through that filter, based on the needs of a little girl.

We are so hard on ourselves!

We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from. We don’t understand that it’s not about exchanging blame for ourselves with blame for the people who raised us or blame for our culture. It's time to stop being so hard on yourself. It’s about getting away from blaming and shaming all together and replacing those negative ingrained practices that serve no one, and certainly not ourselves, with love and compassion and empathy for each and every one of us for being exactly who we are, not what we were supposed to be! It’s about realizing that we don’t want anyone in our lives who would judge us and punish us and hold us to impossible standards based on the reality of who we are and our own very individual stories that no one ever has any right to judge us for, and certainly not if they’ve never walked in our shoes. And it’s about finally getting that a quality man, someone who is truly worthy of us, has figured this out, too. He won’t be expecting perfection. He won’t be judging us like we expect. Someone who is truly right for you will only have love and understanding, and empathy and compassion for you.

You still have so much to offer.

Nothing has changed. No matter what you’ve been through or where you’ve been. The truest purest kind of love is still your birthright. You still have so much to offer. Those thoughts that would tell you differently, that would have you believe this is your punishment, to never have the love of a good man because of something you did that was just so bad, are wrong. They are part of that false belief system so many of us hold and have such a hard time shaking off of us, that we aren't good enough, that we don't deserve better because of something in our past, something so bad that we did that we must pay for over and over again. But these are lies, all of them. Yes, they run deep. But a true love for yourself runs even deeper. And that’s the kind of love that knows without a doubt the real truth; that there is nothing you can ever do that would mean you don't still deserve all that is good and wonderful and beautiful in life and love.

You just need to believe it, too.

How to Attract the Guy You Really Deserve and Avoid The Ones You Don't

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You've heard it said time and time again. You deserve so much more than this! You've even said it yourself more times than you care to remember.

But every time you say it, every time you decide that enough is enough and this time you are finally going to hold out for what you truly deserve, you continue to find yourself back right where you came from. As much as you don't want to.

But what does that really mean?

You think you get it.

You say you know you deserve someone who treats you well, is compatible with you, shares the same values, wants the same things in life, is attractive, communicates with you and has all the other signs of a healthy relationship. But why then, do you keep closing the door on the ones who have all this and do all this, while you keep the door open for the ones who don't?

While it may seem like it's just the common theme that we always want what we can't have, I believe there's another reason that this all-too-common scenario happens to us.Continue Reading

That First Step

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You don't need to settle like this. You do have worth. You don't have to prove your worthiness to receive love. It's not in everyone else except you; it's all there, in you! A beautiful woman is taking that first adventurous step across the water into the unknown.You know you don't want to settle anymore. You know it's time to start focusing on what you really want, and deserve, and to start making this about you and not about any him.

But even as you know all this, even as you know in your head so clearly what you need to do, the reality is your beautiful heart, the heart that knows how to give so much better than how to receive, doesn't even know where to begin. Or if it really even wants to begin.

So you stay.

Or you think about making changes, but you don't know where to begin, so you stay right where you are because if feels comfortable. Giving yourself away, even if it doesn't serve you and all that you are very well. At least it's what you're used to.

At least it's predictable. Even if it's unpredictable, at least it's predictably unpredictable.

But sometimes, you get a glimpse. Just a small one, but still some glimpse that there might be something more out there for you. Something better, something more on an equal level, something that might be a whole lot closer to what you know deep down in that beautiful heart of yours you really deserve. But then that fear comes again. That familiar fear that keeps you staying right where you are, settling for less than you know you deserve because, after all, the fear of the unknown always seems so much worse than the less than ideal reality of what you're living now. And besides, most of the time, you manage to convince yourself it really isn't that bad, it could be worse, and besides it's so much better than being alone. Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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