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You are here: Home / Archives for unworthiness

Doing this ONE thing is going to make it EASIER on you!

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A beautiful woman holds her hair up while looking at the ocean.
Can you see this?

The most tragic part of loving the wrong people for us - the ones who don't love us back or love us the way we love them - is that we take this wrong person and we stake our worth on them.

Until they love us, we're unlovable. Until they accept us, we're unacceptable.

We tie our worth to someone who has no special claim to determine our worthiness. In fact, we pick the very one who's incapable of loving anyone like us at all.

Can you see this?

It's never about a guy, never about winning someone's love. It is always about proving something about ourselves we feel we have to prove. That's a made up story someone put on us, not anything to do with real love.

Take this guy you're holding to this task that he's utterly incapable of and never signed up for in the first place. Let him be just an ordinary guy.

Give yourself back your worth, your lovability, your more than acceptable status. It was never about him, but always about what we needed him to be.

If you don't need him - or any man - to validate you like this, can you see how much easier this thing you've made "the great impossible search" becomes?

Seeing this? Type "yes" here in the comments below.

You're Looking for the Wrong Thing

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A beautiful woman is feeling lonely and sad, feeling as though nothing will ever change.
We're going about it all the wrong way.

Something hit me the other day.

I've been thinking about this for awhile now, wondering about what makes the difference between those who have so much to offer and go on to find someone with ease, and those of us who struggle so hard to find what we're looking for, or even anything close.

I've tried to break this down for you in a way that you can clearly see what's happening, so that you can easily see this pattern, and put it into words so you can finally do something about it.

I've got those words for you now.

And what it comes down to is that most of us who are struggling so hard with meeting the right guy or the right people or the right job or the right whatever, are all struggling with the same thing.

We're on the wrong search.Continue Reading

I Was Only 9 Years Old

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A young girl sits on a bench by a lake, feeling invisible and alone.
When I learned how quickly it could all be taken away.

I've been judged my entire life. Some of you know this about me, most of you don't.

My worth was equated with being perfect.

When you have a dad who's a minister, you have to be. Picking up early on what it meant to be loved in my family, I learned to conform and earned the label of the perfect one, while my older sister rebelled against that conformity and was forced to leave our house when she was 14 years old.

I was 9 years old and the day I learned my parents had chosen my dad's church and upholding their image over their own daughter, I also learned that my perfect label wasn't just a label; it was a matter of life as I knew it or the very opposite.

It was confirmed for me that my worst fear as a child could happen; I could lose their love.

From that moment, I chose security and hid my true self until I left the country for college after I graduated high school.Continue Reading

The Last Layer

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A beautiful woman looks out the window at the sun shining through realizing she has a fresh start.
There's one more layer you haven't uncovered yet.

When your view of yourself is limited to the words you heard growing up as a child from people who had so many of their own issues, because they didn't know how to love themselves let alone love you, their words become your own.

You don't see yourself as lovable, beautiful, spirited, passionate, confident.

You see yourself as flawed, unlovable, clumsy, messy, stubborn, lazy or whatever other words were thrown at you.

As adults, when we don't understand these underlying roots of our assumed identities, we attract people who are familiar to us. People who remind us of our parents, who have a similar view of us as we're used to.

As much as we can hardly bear to hear those words spoken or implied again, it's the only thing we know.

That's why separating those early roots from our reality today is such an important part of creating healthy relationships. We have to first be attracted to healthy people before we can form healthy relationships!

Continue Reading

Does It Feel Like It’s Never Enough?

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Beautiful woman looking into a mirror.
I want you try something for me today.

I’m hearing you tonight.

Another disappointment. One more loss. More hopes dashed. And it feels like nothing has changed, and never will.

Where do you go from here?

How do you get back hope when summoning up any kind of hope at all was already too much to ask?Continue Reading

The Truth About The Spark

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Image of a sparkler against a blue bokeh background representing the truth about the spark in a relationship.What is it about rejection that makes it feel so devastating?

If we were at the level of emotional health where we want to be, when someone doesn't want to be with us, it would be the end of it.

But since we’re not there, since we all have our own emotional triggers, for most of us it’s not only not the end, it’s just the beginning.

It’s a behavior for us that tends to trigger our deepest fears, our deepest insecurities, our deepest feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness.

Why else would we try so hard to get him back, why else would we subject ourselves to our own worst behaviors as we beat ourselves up, punish ourselves, berate ourselves, mistreat ourselves, for what is, for all intents and purposes, simply being human?

Instead of recognizing it as two people who are on different pages, instead of seeing it for this reality.

Instead of seeing this in the light of true emotional health where we recognize that this isn't about us, it’s not to be taken personally, that we don’t ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us and it would end any of the emotional drama there, we see it quite the opposite.

The opposite is also why we do what we do.

If we were emotionally there, we would see someone like the guy in the last post and we would see what we have with him for what it is – a relationship that is everything we really want in a relationship if we're truly looking for someone to love us, to commit to us, to spend the rest of our lives together with.

But we don’t see it like this and we refuse it because of that same lack of emotional health that has us holding out for that almighty spark which isn't really true love at all. In most cases it’s based on a feeling, a trigger, a very personal emotional feeling that feels so powerful, so all-encompassing because it’s based on our own emotional baggage that triggers us in such personal ways.

Many times what we call a spark is not really a spark at all, but it’s the feeling elicited in us by being with someone who reminds us of our earliest relationships with a father or mother or other caregiver who couldn't love us the way we wanted to be loved.

It’s the familiar feeling of someone who gives us another chance to prove our worth to them, to show them just how lovable and worthy we are, to change our history by making this person want to be with us, to love us, even as he isn't capable of this in the first place. Often that’s why we’re so drawn to his type of “spark”.

And that's also why when we’re with someone who we don’t have to make love us, who we don’t have to do anything to or prove anything to, we feel bored or uninterested and don’t believe this can be that love of our lives that we’re looking for because it’s too easy.

The irony is it’s not too easy – that’s the way true love should feel like!

But we don’t recognize it because we've never known this kind of real love. It doesn't feel like the love of our unhealthy childhoods, and, as further confirmation, it doesn't resemble the kind of love we’re so programmed to believe is true love from the fairy tales, the movies, the television shows, the romantic novels we've all been brought up with in our culture to believe are the real thing, when all they really are is representative of our dysfunctional culture that keeps perpetuating these beliefs to ever successive generations.

It’s not your fault. It's a result of our culture, of the media, of our families, of people everywhere who continue to perpetuate the idea of love like this so that we miss, over and over again, what real love is by refusing to settle for anything less than that elusive spark.

Only you know what that looks like for you, but if everything else is there except this feeling that something’s missing because there isn't a type of fireworks that you've come to equate with being in love, ask yourself what happened in those past relationships. Take a look at how they turned out.

Can you recognize these sparks as real love in action, and not the high intensity level of a roller coaster ride filled with the highs of feeling like you've gotten him to fall for you that trigger your deepest childhood needs being fulfilled, versus the accompanying lows of him pulling away because it’s all too much for him, and you’re triggered again because of those deep abandonment fears surfacing again?

Only you know for sure, but what I’m saying is to be aware of what most of this push and pull relationship cycle is really all about. Only you know if this is about him, or about you, and most of us don’t even realize this is what’s going on under the surface.

It takes a shift in our thinking, in our being, in our feeling. It takes a new level of awareness that flies in the face of our strong belief systems and programming.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself fighting it or questioning it.

Most of us need some help to break free of this trap we've bought into for so long to that keeps us from being loved and being with someone who’s truly capable of giving us what we so deserve.

But it doesn't have to be this way unless you want it to. You don’t have to keep living in this subconscious cycle that you don’t quite understand.

It’s not you. It’s not personal.

But the choice you make to change this is always left up to you.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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