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Am I Blocking Love?

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A beautfiul woman is feeling anxiety over asking for what she needs.
I think I may be sabotaging my own love life.

Our letter this week comes from Maya, who's wondering if she may be blocking love from her life.

Here's what she had to say and my response:

Hello Jane,

Thank you for all the great emails and answers I have read till now. They are really helpful to get more and more insight.

I would really like to know your idea about this since I feel I need an outer perspective.

In short, a bit of my background.

Growing up I became a people-pleaser to avoid violence. And I got scared and always looked outside myself for love, running after men. Of course with the wrong results.

Went from abusive men to boring men.Continue Reading

Should I Remind Him He Said He Would Tell Me Why?

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A beautiful woman is holding her hair back with her hands, wondering if she was a hot mess.
I just need to know why!

Our letter this week comes from Paula, who's feeling heartbroken over the loss of the man she experienced such amazing chemistry with in a long-distance relationship. He said he was going to meet up with her and talk in three weeks time, so she wants to know if she should reach out to remind him.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I'm 42 years old. I met a man, 46 years old, on Dec. 23 of last year.

For two weeks we met on the beach in the morning or in the evening-had dinner and drinks or a walk by the beach, talking about ourselves, kissing each other - there was extreme chemistry between us.

After two weeks, we had time to be together and had an amazing time. This man lives 900 km from me.

We were in touch almost every day by messages, half of them initiated by him. We have met again every second week after because he flies here to be with his children. I have one child, I'm a single mum.Continue Reading

The Reason You Still Can't Believe It's Not You

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A beautiful woman looks down, sad, wondering if her boyfriend is getting distant.
Why do we do this?

I've been having some deep discussions on my calls lately, around the underlying subject of our longings for unconditional love.

Leftover from our childhoods, from a place most of us have never connected to the present, until we realize something must be amiss for us to keep attracting and choosing the men that we do. The irony is that while we long for unconditional love with every part of our heart and soul, we look for it precisely from the ones completely incapable of giving us that kind of love.

Why do we do this?

It makes no sense to our logical minds, but the pull is so strong (and entirely subconscious) to extract this kind of love from someone who cannot give it to us because he never received enough of any kind of love to have a place of overflow within himself that it could even come from.

Why the pull? It's because it's so familiar.

It's once again someone with so much potential because they give us glimpses of that soft part within them. We take that and run with it because even just the feeling of the possiblity of that potential lights us up to the possibility of what might be. This time might be different. This time. The promise of which is so familiar. Continue Reading

Dating a Married Man

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
He still texts me every day.

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.Continue Reading

It Feels Like There's No Spark Anymore

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Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home
He’s always on his phone or watching Netflix.

Our letter this week comes from Julie, who's feeling like the man she's in a relationship with just wants someone by his side rather than having the emotional ties of a relationship. Here's her story. I know many of you will recognize just how familiar it feels to you, too.

Her Story:

Hello! I just got to your blog and read the majority of the questions posted. I wanted to ask for something I wanted to look for that wasn’t answered. Here we go.

So my boyfriend of 7 months broke up last month. But we got back together and went into 7 months a week ago. However, ever since we got back together , he barely texts or calls me.

Whenever I try to reach out I get messages every 2 or more hours. Today was the only day he was free and we could’ve talked all day but he has not done so.Continue Reading

He's Everything I've Ever Wanted, but I Don't Feel the Spark

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A beautiful woman is thoughtful, wondering if she needs to feel the spark.
I just don't feel the butterflies that much.

Our letter this week comes from our beautiful reader, Kristina, who's found herself in a relationship with a guy who's checking off all kinds of boxes for her, but not the one's she's used to.

She's wondering where to go from here and I'm hoping my advice, along with your experience or thoughts on this ever-returning subject of "the Spark" will give her the clarity she's looking for.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I have never done anything like this. I really hope to receive a response, or to at least receive some notification if you make a blog post. Regardless, if you are reading this, thank you for your time.

I have just read your post about the elusive spark and how you say that it is not something that matters because it goes away anyway. It was so incredibly helpful.

Additionally, reading all the comments and seeing how many women struggle with the same thing, made me feel much better too.Continue Reading

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