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Can't Let Go? Do This Instead

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Beautiful woman sad sitting on the window sill and painting on glass feeling heartbroken because it's hard to move on.
I know I need to let go, but I just can't.

She said she can’t let go. She needs him to let her go instead because she’s not strong enough to do it.

Okay, so I hear her and I hear all of her echoing where you are and what you feel. The pull you feel is too strong. The good stuff you get from this guy is too good and the bad stuff, while it breaks your heart, well, you can justify it as long as you keep focusing on the good parts.

So here’s what you need to hear today if you’re going to change this. Because no, he's not going to change this. He's not going to be the one to let you go if he hasn't already.

Why would he? Girl, he's got it soooo good with you!

Do this instead.Continue Reading

Is it love? Or just what you're used to?

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A heartbroken woman with her head in her hands, wondering how do I let go?
Why does it feel like a punishment?

I've noticed a theme in the conversations we've been having lately.

I hear you say you think you're being punished.

You've had such bad luck with men, you're convinced it's got to be some form of punishment.

I hear you say you think it's because of something you did or something you should have known better to do.

I hear you say there's just some reason that you're being put through whatever it is you're going through - as if someone or something called God or love or fate - or whatever you believe in - could do something like this to you.

Drop that story, Beautiful. It's old. It's not true. It's not loving. And it's so unkind to you.Continue Reading

He says he needs space. What do I do now?

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Sad woman hugging her emotionally unavailable boyfriend and looking down.
I'm terrified he won't come back.

Our letter today comes from Cyndi, who's wondering what to do when her boyfriend said he needs space to figure things out, and she can't stop thinking about him. Sound familiar?

Here's her letter and my response:

Hi Jane,

My boyfriend asked for some space from the relationship to figure things out. Not contacting him is so so difficult and I’m terrified that he won’t come back. I know I need to take this time to focus on myself but it’s all I’m thinking about right now.

What do I do?

-  Cyndi

My Response:

Of course that's all you can think about right now, Cyndi. He's the one who asked for space, not you. You wanted things to keep progressing. You weren't expecting this. Continue Reading

Lucky

7 Comments

Woman upset at her crush with other girl on a sunny day
She's just lucky? Here's what really happened.

Don't tell me it can't happen for you.

She had every reason it shouldn't have happened for her, but it did.

Don't tell me it's not the same for you.

I've seen this too often. No, she didn't just get lucky. Sure, the right place and time happened. But you know why it happened?

Because she finally dumped the guy who wasn't the right one for her who she was settling for once more because she didn't want to admit she'd failed again.

Because she stopped pretending it was working when it wasn't, and she finally got up the nerve to do what she knew in her heart she had to do and started creating a life for herself doing what she actually WANTED to do instead of following what she was SUPPOSED to do.

And yes she had a horrible childhood and was divorced twice and had kids of her own and all kinds of other baggage.

But you know what? So did he. So do we all!

So when you say she just got lucky - the way you see it, so sure, let's go with that - you know when that happened?Continue Reading

If There's ONE Thing I've Learned Through Everything I've Been Through, It's This....

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A beautiful woman looks out over the beach, wondering why her boyfriend suddenly disappeared.
Sometimes it needs to get bad enough for us to see something needs to change.

It has to get worse before it gets better. I've always felt this, about everything.

We don't do anything different - until we're forced to. We don't change anything that needs to be changed - unless we have to change, even if it's just to maintain the status quo. We can't even see that anything needs to change until we're forced to see what it was so much easier NOT to see.

Until we can't pretend anymore. Until we can't just look away and pretend we don't see it.

I'm reminded of the time my best friend bought a plane ticket she couldn't afford, left her young kids with her husband, to fly clear across the country to try to convince me to see what she could see that I couldn't at the time.

She begged me to leave him, to come back with her, to see what I wasn't seeing, to believe her when she was telling me I was losing myself in him and settling for crumbs. It was breaking her heart to see me this way, and yet still, it didn't move me.

I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. That I was only telling her the awful things when it was bad but most of the rest of the time it was good, that she just wasn't hearing from me then.

She left without convincing me.

Continue Reading

You've done well, Beautiful.

23 Comments

A beautiful woman holds her hands out in the shape of a heart while watching the sunset at the beach.
But what has all that done for you?

You’ve done well, haven't you, Beautiful?

You’ve behaved perfectly.

You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to worry about you being one of those women who pressures her guy into more than he's ready for. You've shown him you really can be that "cool" girl, and not the clingy, needy one he can't handle.

But what has all that done for you?

You’re more invested now. There's more to lose.

You don’t need to talk to him. You already know where he stands.

So what do you do?

Talk to yourself first.

Get clear on who you are and what you want and what you will and won’t accept. See how that lines up with what he offers you and what you’re seeing from him.Continue Reading

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