self-confidence

Falling In Love Too Fast

When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.

All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.

But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.

Here’s why:

If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.Continue Reading

How a Lack of Confidence Keeps You Settling

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You know those women we all know who seem to have no problem attracting any number of men and who make this dating thing seem so effortless?

They’re the ones we’re usually comparing ourselves to, wondering what it is they have that we don’t and how we can get what they've got.

You know it’s something, you just don't know what it is. You can’t quite put a finger on it.

The first thing we go to is their looks – yes, they’re attractive, but not always in any knockout/supermodel kind of way.

Is it the way they’re dressed? The way they carry themselves? Is it their smile?

As much as we try to pin it on one particular thing or another, the answer eludes us because it’s not just about any one particular trait or characteristic. It goes much deeper than that.

It's all of those little things that can be summed up in one word:

Confidence

It’s the one thing that underlies everything else. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how amazing you are in any number of ways, if you don’t have this part down nothing else matters. Nothing.Continue Reading

It's Just Not Sustainable

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We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

Am I Just a Booty Call?

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Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?

Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.

I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.

Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.

He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.

I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?

I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!

Thank you,

Cara

My Response:

Dear Cara,

I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.

It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.

Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.

It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.

But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.

And you know this.

As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.

Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.

You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.

But you’re not going to change him.

As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.

He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!

The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.

How do you do this?

You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.

What are you willing to settle for?
What are you not willing to settle for?
Can you really be just friends with him?
Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?

Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!

You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.

It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.

You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.

You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.

I know why you’re scared, Cara.

You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.

You know you’re probably going to lose him.

And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.

But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.

You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.

What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.

I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.

Love,

Jane

Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

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I get it. I used to do it to.

We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.

As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.

We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!

You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.

We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.

But we’re missing something here!

You.

This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.Continue Reading

You’re Already Her!

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No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

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Falling In Love Too Fast

How a Lack of Confidence Keeps You Settling

Confidence

It's Just Not Sustainable

Am I Just a Booty Call?

My Response:

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

You’re Already Her!

You.

You!

Be that woman.

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