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I Really Don’t Want to Let Go

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Beautiful woman sad sitting on the window sill and painting on glass feeling heartbroken because it's hard to move on.
I have never met someone so compatible with me.

Ever met someone you liked so much right away? And the more you got to know him, the more you liked him, the more compatible you thought you were until that's all you could see? Our letter this week is from beautiful Cindy who's going through this now, and a whole lot more.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I’m going through a very heartbreaking, difficult time now.

I have been dating this guy for 5 months. We had a lot in common and we really got along together. We spent every weekend together since our first date. He’s the one I’ve been looking for, and I like everything about him. The more I know about him, the more I like him.

I even seen him as a potential partner.Continue Reading

I Know He's Using Me But I Can't Resist Him!

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A beautiful sad woman is leaning on her hands wondering why she can't resist him when she knows he's using her.One of our beautiful readers, S, is in a relationship with a man who doesn't want any kind of commitment, but still wants the physical benefits of a relationship with her.

Sound familiar?

She has requested that I post her letter here to share with all of you so that she can have your additional thoughts and support on her situation.

Her letter:

There is this guy who is my senior in a med school.

Earlier on people alerted me about his flirtatious character and that he uses girls for only sex. But I took everything as rumors.

I fell for him believing everything as rumors.

After going out twice, this guy proposed me saying he wants to date me. When I went to his flat for the first time he told me that he wants to kiss me.

Later on after few months when I asked him for commitment and where our relation is heading, he told me he likes me but can't give any commitment as he wants to marry according to his parents' choice.

Fine I know I have been emotionally used, but the problem is I have fallen for him so badly that it's getting impossible for me to let him go and move on.

I tried ignoring him, but as soon as I see his texts, I can't resist my urge to talk to him. He has clearly mentioned me that he can be my friend but can't marry him. Then why on earth he approaches me for sexual needs?

I have told him several times that it's wrong still he tries to do that.

Please tell me what should I do? I am actually fed up of myself as I am unable to control my feelings. Should I stop talking to him completely without saying anything to him, or what should I do?

Please reply. (Kindly don't mention my identity while using this email publicly)

Thank you,

"S"

 My Response:

Dear "S",

Do whatever you need to do to get over him, because someone who is right for you will never treat you less than you deserve to be treated.

It sounds like the two of you are clearly on different pages and looking for different things, and clearly he isn't respecting you enough to stop his behavior even though you've asked him too.

See it for what it is; two people not on the same page, looking for different things from each other and a different type of relationship. No matter what your emotions say, this is about the reality of what is and not the fantasy of what you'd like it to be.

So this comes down to you, S, and I would ask yourself why you have fallen for someone who doesn't respect you, who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who isn't on the same page as you? What do you have to fall for?

You can control your feelings, you can ignore him, you can resist your urge to talk to him but you have to want to.

You're the only one who can do this and you are that strong if you want to be!

It's always your decision!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend who is experiencing this all too familiar situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

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You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you. A beautiful confident woman looks into the camera.You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.

Where do you go from here?

You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.

And he might.

But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!

Or you have another option.

Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!

Do you see the difference?

So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following  your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls!  You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!

If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!

It may take a while.

It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.

This is the real you!

You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.

Boundaries

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Set and respect your boundaries in a relationship. Beautiful woman standing by her personal boundaries by setting boundaries in relationships. Here's what you need to know to get him to respect your boundaries. 

Looking back, I realize that one of the things that most contributed to my many rocky relationship roller coaster rides was the whole thing about boundaries, or, more accurately, the lack thereof.

Although there are many different definitions and ideas out there about what boundaries are and aren’t (and a whole bunch of self-help books on that exact subject to go along with it), the simplest way to think of boundaries regarding these relationships we’re in is this question: At what point do we stand up and let someone know we are not okay with something they are doing?

Sound simple?

Continue Reading

The Case of the Disappearing Man

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The case of the disappearing manWe've all been there – you've gone on a couple of dates, had a great time, then suddenly, as quickly as it started…silence. Nothing but crickets.

So why did it happen? Why did he just vanish from your life? Well, the truth is, it's because he wasn’t the guy for you. You may have felt it, but it wasn’t there for him.

Maybe he got scared, maybe he found someone else, or maybe he got back with an ex. The truth is it just doesn’t matter. For whatever reason, he decided he’s not the one for you. And that’s good news. Because if he stuck around and you built a foundation around him, and then it crumbled, it would be much, much worse.

I know you want to know the reason why, but what good would it do? Do you really want to hear the truth? That he didn’t find you attractive enough, smart enough, or secure enough? Just think through all of the possibilities, including that he found someone else or got back with an ex, and just go with the one that hurts the least.

And know that it's really a gift.

It’s actually a gift that he didn’t tell you why – because now you’re in control. You can decide why it ended. It’s him, not you (it really is). And then you can truly move on, and on your own terms. And moving on is the best thing you can do.

If it’s been 4 or 5 days and he hasn’t called, and before that he was calling you every other day or even every day, then the reality is that you don’t want him to call. Because it’s been too long. If he calls now and you’re OK with it, then you’re going backwards. You’re becoming a doormat.

Don’t be a doormat.

If he calls now and you ream him out for it, and tell him you’ll never accept that kind of behavior again, he might change and start calling you more often. But do you really want a guy who calls you because he doesn’t want to get yelled at? No. You want a guy who calls you because he loves you, and he really likes talking to you. And that guy is out there. Tell Mr. didn’t call for 4 or 5 days that it’s been too long and you’ve moved on. Then move on with your respect and self-esteem intact.

And then go out and find a guy that actually likes to talk to you.

7 Really, Really Bad Reasons to Stay in a Relationship

31 Comments

A beautiful woman portrayed as a princess being saved by her knight.
It may be time to let go of the fairy tale and face reality.

If any of these sound familiar, it's time to re-think your situation.

We've all been there – in that relationship that your friends, family, coworkers, even that cashier at the grocery store have been wondering why you’re still in.

Sure, it started out great, with all of the thrill and fireworks of new and exciting love.

He chased you, won your heart, and told you everything you wanted to hear. He made you feel so beautiful, so alive, so wanted.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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