passion

Am I Wasting My Time?

One of our radiant, confident, beautiful readers, Lisa, writes to me wondering if she's wasting her time with a guy that isn't able to commit to more of a relationship with her right now.

Her letter:

Hi Jane -

I've been dating a man for almost a year now.

We get along great we have great chemistry we are a lot alike, he treats me well when we are together is a very nice man and we enjoy our time together. Note I have known him since I was 19. He was my brothers college roomie. My whole family knows him so it's been easy.

It caught us off guard. But we began dating recently at age 42. We both are divorced. Very similar situations. It's sorta our bond. I know what he deals with. His more recently than mine and his world is turned a bit upside down because of it. He right after we began dating had to be the full time parent to his teenagers and begin raising them. Needless to say this was a huge thing for him and for us.

The dating dynamics for us changed drastically. He is managing his kids he works like a maniac and he has tried to maintain what we have. Note we live an hour away from each other;it's a lot to manage and keep going.

Our time is limited but I like it and it works for now. It's been going nicely but I find myself wanting more eventually. When? I'm not sure. My kids are still pretty young. I don't think he can give me more at least not now.

We see each other about every weekend one night. It's been great this far and we call or text all week long. But at what point do we do more? I'm not around his kids. He said long ago they wouldn't be ready for that.

We have never discussed our feelings for each other and I have them. I'm afraid if I share them it will spook him or add more pressure to what he has we don't talk of anything about our relationship. We just enjoy eachother have fun and bond.

Do I walk away? Am I wasting my time hoping one day he will want a serious relationship w me?

We act like bf gf already but just don't discuss it. This week he mentioned he is tired of being 100% parent and working. He is burned out.

Says maybe he should go to Costa Rica and be a bartender. I didn't reply. A couple days later he sounded down I asked if he was okay he said In his words..... I'm having a hard time w life in general... Honestly I have a lot going on. I put too much pressure on myself and I need to figure myself out and chill and finds ome internal happiness and contentment. R u sorry u asked????

I didn't even know what to say. What does that mean???

So as long as this is. At age 43 wanting a relationship again and wanting someone special in my life again am I wasting my time here? Is this man depressed? Wasting my time? Not into me?

I'm so confused and sad.

I really like him and I feel he likes me. It makes me sad he said all that. Please email me with your thoughts.

- Lisa

My Response:

It's really about what he's worth to you, Lisa. He's definitely got a lot going on his life right now, but that's not to say you can't be a part of that life, just the reality of raising teenagers and trying to be a good father and provider and all things to all people can weigh on someone and make it hard for them to take on anything more.

If you enjoy being with him, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying your time that you do spend together and fill the rest of your life up with close friends and others you can talk to without putting pressure on him, because it doesn't sound like he's in a place to give you his best answers when it comes to meeting your needs when he can barely keep up with his own.

When comments like "bartender in Costa Rica" come up, that's your clue that he feels overwhelmed, not unlike something many of us feel at one time or another, but it is a reality check on where he's at right now, so it is something for you to consider.

He won't be raising teenagers forever, but what this is always about is you and what you're willing and not willing to put up with. He is at a different life stage right now than you. So whether that's a deal breaker for you is something only you know for sure, but again, it's the reality of what is that matters and not the fantasy of a different time or place.

Only you know if it's worth waiting for, or if you can focus your energies on other areas of your life - leaving your options open - while still having him in this one area of your life where you enjoy your time together.

If you're focusing on you more than him or "us" than what he does or doesn't do, or what mood he is in or isn't in, won't matter as much. But only you know what he's worth to you or whether what you do get from him is worth what you're aren't getting and would like to get from him.

Does that make sense?

Hope this helps a little. I know these matters of the heart are never easy decisions, but know that you also don't have to make any decisions now either. Sometimes, just shifting your focus from him to you and "us" to you can make all the difference. We sometimes expect someone to be the be all and end all to our lives, when if we get our needs met in several different places - through friendships, hobbies, passions, events, animals, children, classes, etc. - we find the answers become that much clearer.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is Lisa wasting her time with this man? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

Dream Big

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This is your life, my beautiful friend. With all of your dreams, your hopes, your desires.

You dream so big, but you ask for so little and you settle for even less.

You get so caught up in longing to begin your life with someone else, that you forget about this life you already have right here in front of you.

You falsely believe that if you just had the missing piece – him – everything else would fall perfectly in place.

But the reality is, that stage of your life will come. A time when it’s you and him. A time when “we” will replace “me” when it’s meant to be.

But right now, this is about you and your dreams and what kind of a difference in the world you can make just by being you and following your dreams and your passion.

Today, like no other time in history, you have the ability to make a difference. Right now. Right where you are.

With the internet, you can find more people like you, more community, more resources, more opportunities to connect. Which are all more outlets for making your dreams a reality.

Some of you have so graciously shared some of your ambitious, beautiful dreams with me and I've encouraged you to follow them and see where they take you.

I dare each and every one of you to take a chance on you to see where your own unique dreams may take you. Find a passion. Find your passion. It doesn't matter what it is, or what anyone else thinks about it, all that matters is that you believe that you have something to offer the world.

Because you do!

It’s your turn. It’s your life. Never again will you have this time all to yourself to choose how you want to spend every minute of it. This isn't about waiting around for your life to begin.

It’s about living the life you were born to live.

You choose.

You create it.

All you need to do is start somewhere. Anywhere.

You can do this no matter who you are. Because if I believe in you, and you believe in you, there’s no telling what you can do!

Love Yourself

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One of our beautiful readers, Nadia, wrote to me asking how to learn to love yourself more. I realized that this is something that all of us soft-hearted, sensitive, caring souls need to learn to do better. Here's her letter along with my response to share with all of you.

Dearest beautiful Jane,

The last articles were really good, thank you really for that! I really benefit from them!! There is this one thing that I've got on my mind...I wonder how do you love yourself more? 🙂 I feel I'm lacking this self-love and I wonder if you can give me some tips? I would really appreciate it. Much love!

Nadia

My response:

Dear Nadia,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad to hear these articles are resonating with you, and yet I understand what you are saying here; if the key to being more confident is learning to love yourself - how do you actually do that? Especially if you come from a place like so many of us do, where loving yourself is such a foreign concept, and self-loathing is a more accurate picture of what we're so used to doing!

A post I wrote about this, It's Time to Be Selfish, also speaks to this topic, but here's what I've discovered about the journey to love yourself more.

Surround yourself with love.

It's first and foremost about surrounding yourself with supportive people who love and accept you the way you are and make you feel good about yourself.

At the same time, it's about letting go of those people who have the opposite effect on you and are always overtly trying to change you, make comments that make you feel they don't truly accept you, and in one way or another send the message that you're not OK the way you are, you'd be better off being the way they think you should be, and ultimately give you the feeling that there's something wrong with you even though they don't know anything about what they're talking about! The don't.

Now if these people are members your family, while it's not possible to change our families of origin, we can choose to limit our interactions with them and set clear strong boundaries with them when we do need to be around them to limit the amount of control they're able to have over our lives and the way we feel. The idea here, is that by surrounding ourselves with supportive, positive people, it's much easier to be loving to ourselves than if we're always feeling like we need to defend or explain ourselves.

Be passionate.

Get involved in hobbies, passions, activities and projects that you're passionate about and enjoy doing. There's nothing that sends a clearer message to ourselves that we're special and worthy and have so much to offer than doing things that give us proof of that. From the small things like being kind to people when we talk to them, to causes we support or volunteer for where we can genuinely make a difference in the world, it's doing these types of things that give us a whole person to love in ourselves - and reminds us of even more reasons why we're special and can make a difference in a way that's unique to us!

Remember it's OK to say no.

Only say yes to those things you really mean to say yes to, and remember it's OK to say no to the things you really don't want to do! So often we get so caught up in that pleasing mentality where we feel guilty if we say no, and we feel like we always have to say yes if we want people to like us, that we miss out on a wonderful opportunity to show our beautiful selves just how much we're worth and how loving we can be to ourselves.

We becomes so much less authentic when we give up being true to ourselves in exchange for giving people what we think they want from us, and in the process, we send ourselves the very unloving message that we don't have the right to stand up for ourselves and let our yes's simply be yes's, and our no's simply be no's, without long, apologetic defensive explanations.

Responses like this only make us feel worse about ourselves and make us sound like we don't truly believe we have the right to make our own decisions that are best for us! This one can be especially difficult to do if you received the message that saying no was selfish and being agreeable made you a good little girl. But it's also one of the most important things you can do to honor and respect that beautiful woman you truly are!

Keep growing.

Stretch yourself to do things that are out of your comfort zone. Ask yourself what you believe isn't your strong point or your personality strength. Go back in time to think of those things that others told you that you couldn't do or thought you'd never be able to do. Whether the messages you received were subtle or not so subtle, chances are you got the clear message that there were some things you were better at than others, and some things you shouldn't even attempt to try.

The reality is, that those messages you received were based on other people's perception of you, and even though they may have had the best of intentions, such as not wanting you to fail, the end result is always the same. You end up with far too many should's and shouldn'ts that hold you back, give you a feeling of incompetence, and leave you much more likely to loathe yourself for all the things you can't do, rather than love yourself for all the things you can do!

Show yourself that you really can do whatever you put your mind to - this isn't about proving anything to anyone else, but yourself! And know that if there is something you fail at, it's never a failure but a learning experience that puts you more in touch with yourself as you learn even more about who you really are and what you're all about!

Pamper yourself.

Give yourself a fresh makeover. Not that you need to change yourself in any kind of a drastic way, but sometimes just treating yourself to a new updated hairstyle, some new makeup, a new wardrobe, a fresh manicure or pedicure or whatever else is within your budget and fits your lifestyle can do wonders for how you feel about yourself. Don't do any of this for anyone else but yourself, and make sure it reflects who you are and not some hairstylist's or makeover artist's latest craze, but just some small steps to make you feel your best can do wonders for your self-esteem and your ability to see your beautiful, loveable self in a fresh new light.

Becoming your healthiest self by joining a fun exercise class, finding someone to run or bike with, taking up yoga or dance classes, and finding your own path to healthy living by learning to cook healthy meals for yourself are all ways that you send yourself the message that you're worth taking care of in healthy ways!

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Finally, daily affirmations can make such a difference if you start each and every day with your favorite inspirational sayings that you post as a reminder on your bathroom mirror or fridge reminding you of all that you are, all that you have to offer someone truly deserving of you, and all that is beautiful and loveable about yourself! Find those sayings that inspire you and write them out so that they become that much more real in your own handwriting, etching them in your mind.

Most of all, Nadia, remember that there is no one like you, no one who can do what you were created to do, and there is no one you ever need to prove your worthiness to of all that is wonderful and beautiful and loving in the world. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have to offer you, my beautiful friend, and the irony is that it's only when we eventually come to believe this that we finally find that's exactly what we end up with!

Much love to you!

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any additional ideas on how we can all give ourselves the gift of loving ourselves? Share them with us in the comments.

Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

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This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?

Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.

It just doesn’t work that way

There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.

And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.Continue Reading

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

He May Never Be Ready To Commit To Me

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One of our dear readers, Carla, wrote to me about her fears that her boyfriend may never be ready to commit to her. I hear this from so many of you that I wanted to highlight it this week in a post. After reading, please offer any additional advice you may have in the comments.

Hi Jane,

I hope you can help me. I am a 25-year-old woman and I am currently in a relationship with a 23-year old man for the past 10 months. Prior to this, I had been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who I believed was the One until the passion slowly fizzled out between us. For 6 years, I was always certain that this guy loved me and wanted to marry me some day- he told me this. We always talked about our future together and made lots of plans together and we never really had any issues. Distance eventually got the better of us and the passion and romance died, so after months of trying to make things better between us, I broke up with him and a few months later found my current boyfriend.

My current boyfriend has never had a long term relationship- 10 months with me is the longest he has been with a girl. We are both very compatible- have lots of the same interests, like doing the same things, we are both very attracted to one another and both very communicative and honest. After 5 months of being together, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me also. I was thrilled as you can imagine. We both live about half an hour away from each other so we get to see each other at the weekends. We have both talked about our interest in going abroad to work/travel, but never mentioned about the possibility of going away together. We are both in the position to do this, so about 2 months ago I suggested to him that maybe if we did decide to go travelling in the future that we could go together. He dropped the "bomb" and told me that he's not sure if he's ready to take that step with me yet. He said that he has always wanted to go abroad with his friends or even on his own and it's something he intends to do to get out of his system. He said that he doesn't feel that he's "emotionally mature enough" to make that commitment to me just yet but some day he thinks he will be.

Honestly, I cried for days after this conversation, so much so that I became very bitter towards him but I also started to analyze every bit of effort that I've been making to make our relationship work. I realized that I was the one who was making all the plans for us to go places and surprising him with little things to show him I love him- yet I found that I wasn't really getting those things in return. Sure, he asks to meet up with me every week, but not once yet has he talked about going away for a few days or a week during the summer on holidays (when he knows that as a teacher I get 9 weeks off this summer so I would be flexible to go anywhere he wanted whenever he is able to).

I realize that it's mainly me operating this almost one-way system. I feel like the way I love him is different to the way he loves me. I feel like I depend on him a lot more than he depends on me. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for myself and spending time by myself or with family and friends, but I feel like if we were to spend a whole 2 weeks apart that it wouldn't bother him as much as it would bother me. I would want to see him and I would miss him dearly during those 2 weeks but he wouldn't really react like that. For the past 10 months he has made me very happy but ever since he has told me that he cannot commit as much as I want him to commit, I just feel more and more like I'm on a completely different wave length to him.

We have had many arguments recently over this issue, where I have actually told him that I feel we both love each other in very different ways. I said: "I love you so much that I would do anything for you..I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. But you love me because you love hanging around with me and being with me and you love how we like the same things". I got no response to this. I'm starting to turn into a person that I don't want to be. I feel like I'm nagging him to spend more time with me almost, or trying to convince him to want to commit to me. He says that he sees me in his future but that right now he cannot give me what I want, the commitment that I want from him. We have had many conversations about this, and even though I wake up every day trying to start afresh and say "just enjoy the present with him and wait until he's ready", I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. I show so much love for him, I try so hard to make him happy. I don't try to contact him too much by text or phone or I don't try to hog all his free time. He enjoys being with his friends and I admire that I never complain about the amount of time he spends with them.

I have really enjoyed our relationship right up until our conversation about commitment. It was a shock to me, I'm not sure why, but it feels like almost since then, I've become harder to deal with as a person and I cry a lot more than I ever used to. I want things to work between us because I always believed that what we had was great but I find recently that there are times when I find myself mulling over the fact that during my last relationship of 6 years, my ex never had commitment issues and we were always on the same page in terms of what we wanted and our feelings for one another. I would just like advice on this because I feel I'm at my wits end now and it's beginning to get me down a lot. I would really appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

My Response:

Dear Carla,

It sounds like you've figured out something that so few of us figure out on our own. That this relationship is about you making it easy for him to be with you, without him having to do very much at all in return. Oh how so many of us have fallen into this trap! So it looks like a wonderful amazing relationship, and yet, in reality, when we can look at it honestly like you have and see just how one-sided it is with you doing most of the initiating and him mostly just responding to you, it really isn't all that incredible after all! So of course this is such a disappointment to recognize this reality, when without this awareness, everything seemed easier, more natural, lighter, and more amazing.

But that wasn't reality. That was the picture that you were seeing through a lens that wasn't seeing the full picture. And whether because he truly isn't emotionally mature enough - which may well be the case since he is still so young at 23 - or something else entirely, it really doesn't matter. It just matters that this is where he's at and now you know and can decide what you want to do with this information before you give him any more of your beautiful self or waste any more of your time and energy on someone who may only break your heart down the road.

I hope you can see the strength you show in being able to see this for yourself, Carla; for that is no small thing. It takes courage to dig deep and honestly see what's going on. From here, it really is up to you where you want this to go. He's made it clear he sees doing things with his friends a priority and doesn't picture the two of you the same way you do. I'm not surprised if you love each other in different ways as well, and yet this isn't about any of these particulars as much as it is about you and what you want to do with all this. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing you do and is on the same page as you, but on the other hand, only you know what being with him is worth to you.

So this becomes about you, deciding for yourself what you want from him and a relationship with him if this is all he can give you right now. It is never your role to make anyone else happy, Carla, and I have a feeling that you haven't been given very much at all from him. So maybe it's time for you to look deeper there, and see what you are really getting out of this relationship. Why you're with him in the first place, what it is that you're really attracted to, and why you're willing to be with someone who gives you so little in return, when you're honest with yourself. The reasons we have for being with someone can provide so many clues to what's really going on, what you're really looking for and what areas you need to look deeper at within yourself.

It sounds like you're trying hard to get things back the way they were before you had this conversation about commitment with him, but I would question whether or not there was anything of substance really there for you to even to try to get back. Sometimes, it becomes about accepting what is, instead of what we so want it to be, and know that it could be if only he were different. But that's the point. You can't change him, he is who he is, and he's showing you that now. This is the reality right now. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who meets you where you are, who shares in that natural give and take that comes so easily when it's truly meant to be, and is just as concerned about making sure you're happy, as you are about him. It always takes two to make a relationship work, and when it's meant to be, it is. Simply because both people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than that, as well.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Carla? Please share them with her in the comments!

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Am I Wasting My Time?

Her letter:

My Response:

Dream Big

Love Yourself

My response:

Surround yourself with love.

Be passionate.

Remember it's OK to say no.

Keep growing.

Pamper yourself.

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

It just doesn’t work that way

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

My Response:

He May Never Be Ready To Commit To Me

My Response:

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