Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
Does he ever get past this?
This not committing, but not ending things either.
This limbo.
This one foot in your world, and one foot in another. This leaving you hanging, without a crystal ball.
Will he? Or Won’t he?
And what we most want to know; is it worth waiting it out?Continue Reading
One of our gorgeous readers, Angel, is trying to move on from a relationship with a man who won't commit.
Hi Jane,
I've been reading a lot of your blog posts for few days now, some of them I read few times too. Here's my situation that got me all confused:
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I am having a Long Distance Relationship with this guy from another country for 11 years now. He's working in my country on a flying in and out basis. I only saw him when he was on his way in or out from where he works (in another island).
I know this was not ideal, but we were so clicked and compatible for each other. We could talk about anything, shared so many similar interests and hobbies, basically it's a perfect relationship except that he doesn't want to have a commitment.
He said that to me 3 years since we started the relationship, and caught me by surprised.Continue Reading
Our beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is something that I hear all too often from our readers. Here's her story.
Hi Jane,
I love, love, love your blog and am so grateful that I have found it during this extremely hard time of my life. So my deepest, most sincerest thanks to you.
I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to me. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out and I now live alone in a small rental… a very big adjustment and I miss him and our relationship very much.
I've been doing so much self development and surprisingly most hours of my day I find myself quite peaceful and content knowing that I just had to make this decision for ME because there was no way he was going to make any decision about anything, any time soon!
However, in all my self development and reading your blog the same message is being said over and over again… 'that I'm worthy of someone way more deserving'.
I know that's the truth and I can't wait to meet 'my new man' (hopefully!) in the near future but I also can't help but feel really sad that my ex isn't worthy of my love.
I don't feel angry or bitter towards him because he's suffering with his health and has so much family baggage which led to so much fear about committing to me. And even though he hasn't chase me one little bit since I left him only six weeks ago, I STILL feel sorry for him.
I gave him SO much and still had so much more love to give him.
I've always been the type of person to feel sorry for the underdog, stick up for the child being bullied… my problem is that I always feel sorry for people. So with my ex, I just feel so immensely sad and sorry for him that's he's undeserving of the love I had to offer him, that's he doesn't deserve someone as wholesome and fabulous as me (that's how my friends describe me!!).
I want him to experience unconditional love, I want him to be worthy of being loved the way I have because he hasn't had that. His parents didn't know how to love and they still have NO idea to this day. And because of this, I am still contacting him to make sure he's doing ok.
I guess I still want the link to him and I guess I'm also secretly hoping he turns around and chases me. So how am I supposed to let go of him and our relationship when all I feel is guilt and sadness for him? Thanks Jane!
- Sarah
Dear Sarah,
I'm so glad you’re finding help and support here, Sarah. This is exactly why I’m here. It’s never easy to let go of someone that you didn’t really want to let go; someone who you wanted so much more from that he wasn’t capable of giving you. In the end, this is exactly how you find out who is on your page and who’s not, who’s looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship with you, and who isn’t.
It’s in the releasing and letting go of someone who you courageously recognized as not being able to give you what you were looking for from him, that you are seeing the reality of where he’s really at.
And the reality is he’s not chasing you.
The first thing to recognize is that this is not really about him, but about you. You see him as the underdog, as the victim of his circumstances, as being in poor health, as having a hard childhood, and these are all the reasons you feel sorry for him that he’s missing out on the unconditional love he could have with you.
But I suspect that’s not the end of the story. Instead, it’s about you feeling that you weren't enough to change him, that you weren't enough to make him see what you could see.
You feel guilt and sadness because as much as you knew he couldn't be who you needed him to be, you wanted to be able to hold on longer in the hope that eventually you would be enough, that he would come to see the life he could have with you. You wanted to be worth the type of work he would have to do within himself to make it happen.
You can’t rescue him from himself, Sarah.
This is where those of us who have such compassionate, empathetic hearts and souls, who feel other’s pain and believe we know best what they need, can take on men like this so that they become a project of our own. To the detriment of ourselves, we try everything; we spend so much of our time and energy trying to show them the way that would make all the difference for them if only they would be open and willing to seeing it for themselves.
If only they would find it in themselves to get there, to have the life they could have with us, they could heal, they could be loved, they could be happy and we couldn't be happier being right there alongside with them.
Start right where you are by separating what is yours and what is his.
It sounds like the boundaries between the two of you have become blurred with you owning so much of his and not leaving with him what can only be his to own for himself.
You can’ t know what’s best for him, you can’t know for sure what he really needs. None of us can. He has to want to change. He has to want those things that commitment and being loved unconditionally in a relationship bring. He has to want that for himself.
It can’t come from you.
Release him, let him have what’s his. Take your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your beautiful unconditional love you held for him ready to give him as a gift. Give those back to you.
Take a closer look at why you still want or need to keep holding onto someone who isn't holding onto you. Does he remind you of someone you've done this with before? Are you looking to him for the love your father or mother wasn't able to give you?
When it doesn't make logical sense, but emotionally it's the only way you can see it, there's always a deeper story running behind the scenes. Find that story. It changes everything when you know what yours is and why you need it to be. If you need some help finding it, I'm always here for you through my one-on-one coaching program if you want to take closer look at what that might be.
There’s still more to your story, Sarah; there’s still all of those dreams and plans and hopes, but they belong to you and one who will share in them with you and want the same for the both of you, not someone who you have to try to make into what you want him to be because you believe it’s what he needs.
The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to.
The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with.
It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go.
With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our souls.
It’s never easy to let go, but it’s how we get to the place we’re meant to be. Where our hearts can soar, and our love can flow, it's when you'll know without question that the one you’re with is exactly where he wants to be too.
That's how you'll know, Sarah. It's what's makes it easier to let go.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any advice about letting go, or have any words of encouragement for our dear friend Sarah? Please share them with us in the comments!
Here's a letter from our reader, Ria, that really summarizes one of the questions we all seem to ask ourselves at one point or another (and some of us, myself included, too many times): How can I make him love me?
We are almost going to breakup. How can I make him realize that I was the one he wants to be with and he loves? We've been together for 11 months.
Dear Ria,
Yours is just one of hundreds of letters I receive from women asking essentially the same thing. While your words may be different, and your situations unique, what you are asking is really the same thing.
How can I make him see that I’m the one for him?
How can I convince him that he should want to be with me?
How can I prove to him that he should choose me?
We think it’s simply a matter of knowing the right words or actions – some elusive secret – to making him see what we know is best for the two of us, and suddenly everything will be so much better and we can move on to our happily ever after!
It’s what we've been brought up with – the fairy tale.
It’s what we've been told is how we prove our worthiness – by “getting” a man to fall madly in love with us. After all, isn't that our role as a woman? – we ask.
It’s what we've been trying to do ever since our first love didn't quite work out as planned - that first one with our father.
It’s what our culture, the media, the popular dating resources - and the people in our lives who keep asking us why we’re still single and why we can’t get a man? - are all expecting of us.
And yet this isn't the way love is. This isn't the way it happens. This has everything to do with control and manipulation and nothing to do with love in the truest sense of the word.
And so any formula, or secret, or rules of doing this and doing that to “make” someone love you and want to be with you, isn't going to bring you the kind of real love you’re looking for.
In fact, the opposite is true.
When we pretend to be something we’re not, when we follow a script instead of being ourselves, when we put all our time and energy into playing god and pretending that we know best for ourselves much less someone else, we take all the love out of something that we’re trying to put into it in the first place!
If someone is right for you, Ria, this is exactly how you’ll know. He’ll be on your page, he’ll want the same thing you want, he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You won’t be the only one who wants this to work; so will he! You can’t do this alone; it has to come from him as much as you.
This is how you know!
It’s his lack of commitment that tells you what page he’s on and that’s it’s not the one you’re on.
It’s his lack of commitment that shows you clearly that he can’t do this, that he’s not what you imagined him to be in your own mind, that spells it out so clearly that your best response is to stop hanging on so tightly to someone who can’t give you what you want from him.
It’s his lack of commitment that saves you from anymore heartbreak from any greater investment of your beautiful heart and soul than you already have in him.
It’s the only way so many of us will ever see this for ourselves; because it comes from him, not us. We can’t see it for ourselves, and yet it’s the universe, God or whatever we call it looking out for us and showing us something in the only way we’ll see in the only form we’ll believe.
He’s not the one for you!
I know you want to believe you know better. I know how much you believe he’s the one. But if he were, you wouldn't be asking these questions. You would simply know. Because if he were, he would be there. You wouldn't have to make him see. You wouldn't have to make him be. He would see - and be - all on his own. He would see of his own accord. He would choose to be with you because he would want to be with you!
All of this fighting and struggling and trying to control him and the situation? Don’t fight it. Accept it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you remember you don’t ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
And if he gets there? Don’t hold your breath; keep on living your own life and focusing on you and the ones who want to be with you. If he does, you’ll be the first to know.
Love,
Jane
Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.
Hi Jane,
So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!
I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now. We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.
We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.
He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20th August all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!
We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.
I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.
Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing to do!! I have given him time until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!
As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe. Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.
Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.
Kind regards
Doreen
You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.
The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle. It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.
While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems. You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.
Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.
You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.
Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own. You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.
It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.
Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.
As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.
What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!
We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.
We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.
We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.
Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?
Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?
And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.
What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.
What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.
I ask you.
What about this is love? Nothing.
Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.
And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.
With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.
He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.
He wants to be free to be who he is.
And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.
This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.
But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.
You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.
When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.
When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.
When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.
This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.
No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.
Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!
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