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You are here: Home / Archives for love life

Will I Ever Find Someone Else?

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A beautiful woman is sitting on the beach with her hands in a heart shape wondering will I ever find someone else.
Will I ever find the kind of love that I really want?

Our gorgeous friend, who calls herself "Looking for Hope", has recently walked away from a really bad relationship and is worried that she might not find anyone else. (Sound familiar?)

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

About 6 months ago I walked away from a really bad relationship.

We were together for 5 years and engaged for 2.5 years of that time. After he proposed, he refused to set a wedding date and made up every excuse in the book like “He wasn't ready,” "we needed to save more money", or “he wanted to get to know me more.”

I drove myself crazy blaming myself for his lack of commitment and in order to put us in a better financial position I dedicated myself to paying off all of my student loans and investing in savings.

Once we got engaged, he became a workaholic where his career was his number 1 priority and starting a family or having a relationship with me was always on the back burner! I did and tried EVERYTHING, until one day it hit me that this had nothing to do with me and it had everything to do with him and his inner issues.

So, I told him that this wasn't fair anymore that I was ready for the rest of my life whether it was with or without him, that whenever I agreed to getting engaged to him we made plans of prioritizing each other and a future family and now his work was becoming the center of his life and that was not a life that I had agreed to.

It was time for him to decide what road to take, a marriage with me or the career that would make him millions of dollars.Continue Reading

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

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A beautiful woman looks into the camera wondering not who's next but what's next. Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

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A beautiful woman in a purple shirt against a blackboard with drawn clouds circling around her wonders how her hidden beliefs are ruining her love life. What do you think of when you think about true love?

Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?

You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.

I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.

I know exactly how you feel.

You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.

They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.

And it only seems to get worse the older you get.

You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).

It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.

But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.

You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.

That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.

It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.

But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.

In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.

We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.

But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.

Here's the truth:

Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!

Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.

But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.

  • It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
  • It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
  • It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
  • It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
  • It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
  • And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.

It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.

But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.

You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.

And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.

Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us,  you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.

All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.

See it, notice it, accept it.

And know that it's there for you, too.

What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!

Why Not You?

14 Comments

A beautiful woman runs through a sunlit field with her arms outstretched, believing in love
Love is for everyone, including you!

I know we all have our reasons.

We all have our deeply ingrained stories about our lives and our loves that we've been programmed with since before we could even talk.

Stories we've been told, and have been re-telling ourselves for so long that they’re now simply a part of our subconscious belief system.

Embedded in our psyches.

And these stories keep us stuck.

It's what keeps us attracting men who are below that level. It's what keeps us attracted to men below that level.

It's what keeps us thinking things like "He's out of my league" and "I'm not good enough for a guy like him." All because we don’t believe we’re worth more than this.

So when we’re out and about, who is it we find ourselves attracted to? We don’t even notice the ones who would never dream of treating us the way we’re allowing ourselves to be treated. We don’t even see him among the crowd and we never give him the opportunity to see us because we’re operating at that level of belief that we are only worth so much.

And nothing more.Continue Reading

Be Healthy

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Be healthy - a beautiful woman is feeling good physically, mentally and emotionally after exercising due to her healthy lifestyle that fits her personality.And know what that means for you.

OK, so we all know the importance of being healthy.

Of having a healthy lifestyle.

But beyond all the fancy clichés and trendy phrases, do we really understand what that means for us? Do we truly get what that actually looks like in real life?

Our real lives?

If we think of being healthy as being more of an attitude than a list of things we do, it helps us to understand the important role this step plays in getting to true love.

The key is that being healthy is about you, not about him.

It’s what we do for ourselves, to keep us feeling our best inside and out. With the motivation that it’s in taking care of ourselves like we deserve to be taken care of, that we remember each day that we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are deserving of only the best life has to offer.Continue Reading

4 Dating Mistakes You're Probably Making Right Now

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You're meeting guys, dating them for a while, but the end result is always the same – your left alone and brokenhearted. A beautiful woman is on a romantic date with a man in a restaurant.Avoid these common dating mistakes to dramatically improve your love life.

Do you find yourself caught in a bad dating cycle? You're meeting guys, dating them for a while, but the end result is always the same – your left alone and brokenhearted. As much as you'd like to believe that there are just no good men out there, it's much more likely that it's due to your own behavior. The good news is that also means it's under your control to change things.

So be honest with yourself and see if you can identify with any of these four common dating mistakes. If you can, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor by changing your dating habits.

1.) Not giving love a chance to grow. You go out for coffee on the blind date that your mother's friend set you up on, but, while he seems really nice and wasn't bad looking, you just aren't feeling any chemistry. So when he calls asking for another date, you tell him that you're just not interested in a relationship right now.

I can't even count how many times a guy started to become more attractive the more I got to know him. Once you give him a chance, see his fun, quirky side, the way he can make you laugh, his kindness and generosity, he really starts to get, well, cuter. And if you give yourself some time to explore that, you might just find that cuter becomes real cute, and before you know it real cute becomes sexy. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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