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I Think I Deserve More

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
A lot of his texts are the exact same ones that I send to him.

Ever wondered if you were wasting your time with someone? I hear you. And so does Kim. She wrote to me last week asking for my thoughts on her own situation. I'm sharing them here for her ... and you.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I have been divorced for 20 years and have dated and the longest relationship I had was 4 years.

My priority was always my daughter and since I had her 90% of the time, dating just didn’t fit into my life. I was enjoying my freedom when I did not have my daughter.

As she got older, I signed up for a dating site. Even though I still didn’t have time to date, it was nice getting the attention and companionship that I was missing. I met some nice men, but my feelings for most of the years were that I did not want an exclusive relationship.

I went on and off different dating sites because I got tired of the same games that were out there and I needed a break. But, would always get drawn back in to try again.Continue Reading

You've done well, Beautiful.

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A beautiful woman holds her hands out in the shape of a heart while watching the sunset at the beach.
But what has all that done for you?

You’ve done well, haven't you, Beautiful?

You’ve behaved perfectly.

You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to worry about you being one of those women who pressures her guy into more than he's ready for. You've shown him you really can be that "cool" girl, and not the clingy, needy one he can't handle.

But what has all that done for you?

You’re more invested now. There's more to lose.

You don’t need to talk to him. You already know where he stands.

So what do you do?

Talk to yourself first.

Get clear on who you are and what you want and what you will and won’t accept. See how that lines up with what he offers you and what you’re seeing from him.Continue Reading

Wondering why this seems so hard? Here's your reason.

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slender long-haired woman wearing white summer dress while walking on a green meadow towards a bright and sunny horizon.
This is how you right this wrong.

If this all seems so difficult to you, there's a reason.

It's because what we're essentially doing here is creating what we're looking for. We don't have a model for it. We haven't seen it before. We don't know what it looks like - at least not for ourselves.

We only have what we've been told it's like and what people describe to us it's going to look like when we find it.

The rest comes from us.

We have to get clear enough ourselves on what it is we're looking for so that we'll even be able to recognize it when it's in front of us.

We have to believe it's possible, by believing what we know was possible within ourselves and within people we've only heard stories about how it happened for them.

Continue Reading

Wondering Why Clarity Matters? Here's Why

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slender long-haired woman wearing white summer dress while walking on a green meadow towards a bright and sunny horizon.
The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have.

When you don't know exactly what you want, when you don't know exactly what you're worth, when you don't know exactly what you deserve, you get exactly that.

A little of this, a little of that, but never what you're actually looking for - and what you actually want - underneath it all.

When you say "I'll see what I like, I'll see what I want", that's when you get EVERYTHING because now you're going to need to narrow it down.

Because the reality is, you actually do have preferences. You actually do have behaviors you won't tolerate.

That's why you're getting the ones you do, because if you don't first have that inner clarity, you're going to get a chance to find it - and that's usually not what we want, but it's what we get because it's what we need.

Sorting through is this process we're in.

Will you accept this? No, then how about this? Still not right? Ok, what about this?

Where are those boundaries you've never allowed yourself to have? The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have to get to what you actually want!

Continue Reading

Why? Because he's the guy I chose.

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Cute little daughter and her handsome young dad in skirts are dancing and smiling while playing together in child's room
I can't imagine any of the men I dated before doing the same thing.

My husband got up at 4am to stand outside in a line outside my daughter's dance studio, to register her in a first-come first-served registration system (plenty we could say about that type of system, but for now, it is what it is). He let me sleep in and switch with him later.

He was the only dad there.

Why? Because he's the guy I chose.

Oh I chose a lot of men before him, but only because I didn't know myself well enough to know what I actually wanted, and would continue to want years down the road.

I can't imagine any of the men I dated previously doing the same thing, and that's precisely why none of them worked out.

After so much heartbreak chasing after all the wrong men for me, who of course seemed so right at the time (they always do!), I finally realized I wanted the family man. For real. Someone who puts his family first.Continue Reading

One Big Problem Most Of Us Overlook In A Man

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A woman is reading self-improvement books to understand herself better.
You're doing the work on yourself - why isn't he?

He’s got everything you’ve been looking for. Tall, dark, handsome – or its equivalent.

He treats his mother well, he’s lots of fun and attentive. He actually takes you on real dates and is intellectually stimulating as well.

And then there’s that connection you share. You felt it almost right away.

So far, so good, right? So far, really good!

But let's get back to basics. Back to the things we think we know, that we forget along the way.Continue Reading

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