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You are here: Home / Archives for good men

Is He Too Good for Me Because of My Baggage?

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fashionable woman with lots of baggage in the middle of the street
I feel guilty bringing all of my baggage to a relationship.

Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful readers who's chosen to go by the name "LoveIs." Like most of us who have ever been attracted to someone because of their potential, LoveIs is reaching out today for some answers on the question of what to do when you're attracted more to someone's potential than what they're actually showing you they're capable of.

Sound familiar? Read on to find out what I have say on this very relevant question.

Dear Jane,

I love all of your content and the time you spend sharing your knowledge to the world really touches people. You're one of a kind. Would you share some of that knowledge with me today?

I tend to overlook men who are actually good for me and am attracted to men who aren't.

I'm talking about the emotionally unavailable, you chase him, mysterious, keeps you guessing, you wanna be the one to change him type. For some reason, this type of man I find comfort in which is in no way logical but alas, here we are.Continue Reading

3 of the Best Places To Meet Men

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A gray computer keyboard with the word men in red letters
Where are the best places to meet men?

You’ve done the work. You’ve put in the time.

You get that you’re the one doing the choosing.

But now you’re stuck.

Where do you meet him? How does he find you? Where’s the pool of men you get to choose from? What are the best places to meet men?

These are the questions I hear so often.

Where is he?

While online dating is great, and becoming a more and more common and acceptable way of meeting a romantic partner, many of you have told me that you still would rather meet someone the old fashioned way.

So with that in mind, here are a few ideas of the best places to meet men that will help you to get you out of any rut you may be stuck in, and widen the circle of men that you're meeting.Continue Reading

Is It Too Late For Me?

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A beautiful woman with camera looking at a man.
It's the lens we see through that colors everything.

This week our question comes from one of our beautiful readers, Sheela, who is wondering if it's too late for her and if all the good men really are taken.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane

I really love your blog and I was hoping you could answer a question.

I'm 38 years old, and I've never had any kind of a serious relationship, simply because I went through so many traumatic incidents in childhood and suffered such severe school bullying that I was afraid of getting close to men.

I've never gone past a few dates with anyone.Continue Reading

4 Dating Mistakes You're Probably Making Right Now

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You're meeting guys, dating them for a while, but the end result is always the same – your left alone and brokenhearted. A beautiful woman is on a romantic date with a man in a restaurant.Avoid these common dating mistakes to dramatically improve your love life.

Do you find yourself caught in a bad dating cycle? You're meeting guys, dating them for a while, but the end result is always the same – your left alone and brokenhearted. As much as you'd like to believe that there are just no good men out there, it's much more likely that it's due to your own behavior. The good news is that also means it's under your control to change things.

So be honest with yourself and see if you can identify with any of these four common dating mistakes. If you can, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor by changing your dating habits.

1.) Not giving love a chance to grow. You go out for coffee on the blind date that your mother's friend set you up on, but, while he seems really nice and wasn't bad looking, you just aren't feeling any chemistry. So when he calls asking for another date, you tell him that you're just not interested in a relationship right now.

I can't even count how many times a guy started to become more attractive the more I got to know him. Once you give him a chance, see his fun, quirky side, the way he can make you laugh, his kindness and generosity, he really starts to get, well, cuter. And if you give yourself some time to explore that, you might just find that cuter becomes real cute, and before you know it real cute becomes sexy. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

Is Your Past Getting in the Way of Your Future?

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We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from.  A beautiful woman is looking out from behind a chain link fence, symbolic of her own beliefs that are keeping her from having the relationship she wants.
"Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

I received an email the other day that really got to me. It was from a reader who felt that her past behavior with men had precluded her from having a future with a good man. My heart went out to her. It brought back to me all those times I, too, questioned my own worthiness of a different kind of love with a different kind of man, because of my past less than perfect decisions.

Because it doesn't matter where we've been, what we've been through, on some level so many of us have experienced that feeling, that question in our minds of whether where we've been, where we've come from, has somehow excluded us from having our own happily ever after with a man of character. And the longer it takes, the more we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again, finding ourselves with the same type of men, just a different name, but the same MO, we question it even more. Is this our punishment? Were we that bad? Have we done something that unforgivable?

It says more about our culture than it says about you.

We live in a culture that is all too much about punishment than grace, about blame than compassion, about shame than empathy and understanding. From a young age we learn that bad behavior deserves to be punished, that it doesn't matter why we do something, it’s the outward behavior that counts. And so with a culture that is so unforgiving and judgmental toward each other, it's not surprising that we treat ourselves this same way and expect that others will judge us this way, too.

And that’s the problem.

It isn't our past behaviors that keep us living this way, with this kind of self-punishing attitude toward ourselves. It isn't where we've been and what we've done in our lives that we’re not proud of that keep us stuck in our patterns. It's the way we feel about ourselves. It's this baggage we're carrying around. It’s this kind of judgmental, punitive thinking that keeps us stuck and repeating the same patterns over and over again because we've learned our cultural mantras so well, we have no doubt that we don’t deserve anything better than this.

You did the best with what you knew at the time.

Whatever you did, however you behaved, it was where you were at the time. It was the best you knew how to do. When we are desperate, when there is a need so deep within us that we feel like we would rather die than be alone or left one more time, it isn't just about being alone. It is about a need that runs so deep and so subconscious that it defies all logic and reality. That’s the whole point. It isn’t something that you logically made a decision to do. It seemed to take on a life of its own. You didn’t know any better. These aren’t excuses; they are what your reality was at the time. The triggers that weren’t about an adult woman making a healthy logical decision, but were more of the scared little girl inside making a decision through that filter, based on the needs of a little girl.

We are so hard on ourselves!

We think we need to be perfect, or at least somewhere close. We have so little grace for ourselves, for what we’ve been through, where we’ve come from. We don’t understand that it’s not about exchanging blame for ourselves with blame for the people who raised us or blame for our culture. It's time to stop being so hard on yourself. It’s about getting away from blaming and shaming all together and replacing those negative ingrained practices that serve no one, and certainly not ourselves, with love and compassion and empathy for each and every one of us for being exactly who we are, not what we were supposed to be! It’s about realizing that we don’t want anyone in our lives who would judge us and punish us and hold us to impossible standards based on the reality of who we are and our own very individual stories that no one ever has any right to judge us for, and certainly not if they’ve never walked in our shoes. And it’s about finally getting that a quality man, someone who is truly worthy of us, has figured this out, too. He won’t be expecting perfection. He won’t be judging us like we expect. Someone who is truly right for you will only have love and understanding, and empathy and compassion for you.

You still have so much to offer.

Nothing has changed. No matter what you’ve been through or where you’ve been. The truest purest kind of love is still your birthright. You still have so much to offer. Those thoughts that would tell you differently, that would have you believe this is your punishment, to never have the love of a good man because of something you did that was just so bad, are wrong. They are part of that false belief system so many of us hold and have such a hard time shaking off of us, that we aren't good enough, that we don't deserve better because of something in our past, something so bad that we did that we must pay for over and over again. But these are lies, all of them. Yes, they run deep. But a true love for yourself runs even deeper. And that’s the kind of love that knows without a doubt the real truth; that there is nothing you can ever do that would mean you don't still deserve all that is good and wonderful and beautiful in life and love.

You just need to believe it, too.

Are All of the Good Men Taken?

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Are all of the good men taken? A beautiful woman is asking herself that question as she shrugs her shoulders.A comment from one of our readers, Jim, on my last post got me thinking about the whole idea of scarcity, as in all of the good men are taken. As Jim points out, there are many educated, responsible, interesting men out there that are complaining about the same thing – the lack of available women. So how can it be that both sides are feeling the same, particularly when the statistics show that nearly half (45%) of the U.S. population over age 18 are single, with this group being roughly split with 53% being female and 47% being male (so single men have a slight advantage). But that's still nearly 48 million single men in the U.S. alone. So why do so many of us have so much trouble finding just one?

It got me thinking back to when my husband and I were first dating years ago. We both had many single friends and we thought it would be great to play a little matchmaker and see if we couldn't help some of them find love with each other just like we had found.  After all, they were attractive, successful and single, and most, if not all, were tired of being solo. And they were all going to all the same types of places looking for the same thing – to meet someone who they might be interested in having a relationship with that might eventually lead to marriage.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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