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One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

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Cartoon of a beautiful woman writing her perfect boyfriend listThere are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.

Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.

We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.

But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.

Kind

It’s what it means to be kind.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:

kind, adjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.

Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.

You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.

And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.

It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.

The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.

That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.

And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.

Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.

Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.

It’s become the one very most important quality of all.

If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.

So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.

Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.

If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.

Is he kind?

Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.

Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.

Settling - What It Is and Isn't

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A sign on an easel reads "Don't Settle" referencing the idea of settling for less than what you deserve in a relationshipSettling.

It's such a small little word, but it speaks volumes.

It carries such a huge weight of thoughts and ideas, of repercussions and fears.

And yet, do we really know what it means?

We don't want to settle for less than we deserve (and we shouldn't be settling for less than we deserve).

But what, exactly, do we deserve, and what, exactly, does it mean to settle for less than that?

If all we were looking for was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, we would do exactly this. It would be easy. One way or another we would cross paths with someone who was stable and grounded, was ready for the same kind of relationship that we want, who we could connect with on some levels, and who we could enjoy spending time with.

He would be the type that wanted a real relationship, who wasn't afraid of committing to a lifetime with us and raising a family together (if that’s what we wanted) and growing old together as loving companions.

He would be everything we knew should be enough for us and yet, for reasons that only we can understand, he's not enough.

Because it’s not about that.

We don’t just want that house in the suburbs with the husband and family to grow old together with. We think that’s all that we want, and we tell everyone that's what we want, but the truth is that we want so much more.

It’s because we absorbed it all

All those hidden messages, all those subtle themes we were spoon fed growing up by the stories, the media, movies, television, books - even our own families.

We bought into the dream of so much more that was only part of the fantasy we were fed.

We heard about knights in shining armor coming to rescue us, we saw the images of the prince’s kiss that brought us back to life. We learned that we had the power to melt even the coldest beastly heart and make him fall in love with us and us alone.

And as much as we've grown up in an age where women can rescue and save themselves and do practically everything our male counterparts can do, that old programming is still very much alive and well inside us.

We may cover it well, we may be independent in every way imaginable, and yet, still there lingers the leftovers of the words, the thoughts, the images, the conditioning that whisper a very different story than the outward one we live.

It’s the life within us that we’re talking about here.

We may think we’re not like this, but our stories, our patterns, our pasts reveal just how true it really is.

It happened to me, too. I didn't – and couldn't – see it either at the time when I most needed to. I searched high and low for exactly the opposite of what I said - and believed - I was looking for.

What I was really searching for was the romantic fantasy that I didn't even realize I wanted so badly. I insisted that I was only looking for someone to love me and for me to love, someone who would make a wonderful husband and father to our future children, but in reality, what I was looking for was so much more complicated than that.

And so, I shouldn't have been surprised that I attracted exactly what I was actually searching for. Confusing, complicated men who said one thing then did another, who promised so much, but delivered nothing but heartache. Men who seemed so full of potential, but wreaked havoc on my self-confidence and my self-esteem.

But I understand why now, because I realize it’s about so much more than just happily ever after or someone to fall in love with.

We make it about so much more than that

It’s someone to complete us. It’s someone to prove our worthiness. It’s someone to show the world that we’re OK after all. It’s someone to slay our dragons, to defend us to the end, to help us rise to the places that we don’t feel quite comfortable being by ourselves, or we don't think we can get to ourselves. It’s someone who just by their presence grants us entrance to that widely accepted social status club that belongs only to couples.

This is what it’s about.

It's quite a tall order

And it says something about the type of women we are. It’s no coincidence that we’re the sensitive type. The ones who wear our hearts on our sleeves, with the soft loving, giving, caring hearts of gold that understand what everyone else needs better than we understand what we need ourselves.

Who else can absorb these messages like we do, the underlying themes that weren't just the stories we were told or the images we were shown, but they became the very lifeblood of our own stories and themes?

We absorbed it all.

And so it’s no wonder that we can’t just settle for someone who loves us, who we love, too, who wants the same thing as we do and makes this all so easy.

We've convinced ourselves that we need so much more.

We want to make someone love us. We want to change someone’s ice cold heart. We want to convince someone we’re worth it all. We want our own epic love story.

And in the process, we've confused what it means to be loved and we've made it into something that has so little to do with the real kind of love that's all we really ever need.

We've confused settling with the simplicity of love and in the process, we’re settling for every other kind of behavior and treatment in return.

We can call it so many things – and we often do. But in the end, the truth is told.

We want someone to slay our dragons. We want someone to fill us up, to make us whole, to complete us, to give us permission to live the lives we never knew we had in us. To make us rise and help us stand. Oh we've been doing exactly this on our own for longer than most of us would like to admit, but it’s not the same. We want the rest of the story.

We want the fairy tale.

It’s time to come back down to reality

You know, that place where we've never spent too much time. We've lived in the past trying to figure out the why, and we've lived in the future trying to picture the when and the how, but we've never lingered for very long in the simple, steady place known as the now. The present reality. Where things are simply as they are and not as we long to make them out to be.

That’s the place where we find true love. Real love. It’s not about a fantasy or a fairy tale or an epic love story or fiery sparks. It’s about two real people looking for love with someone who’s on their page, who wants the same thing, and isn't afraid to admit it or make it happen.

And that’s exactly the only way it does happen!

And yet, watch us for a moment, and we may try to run.

Because it doesn't feel like we pictured it

It doesn't have the dramatic music or the breathless vibe or the fluttering heart that makes it recognizable to us. There isn't any drama or extreme emotions running wild. It’s not quite like you imagined after all those subtle little messages you were given, the ones you don't even remember getting, but your subconscious mind does.

But there's a  good reason it doesn't look like that. Because it's real.

This is what you'll find if you let yourself see it. If you’ll give someone a chance who doesn't take you from 0-100 in a single second. If you’ll allow yourself to get to know him well enough before you decide he’s not exciting enough for you. If you’ll entertain the idea that love the fairy tale and love the reality might just be two very different things.

And the reality version is the only one you really want.

I know it’s a change, and it’s not an easy one. But trust me when I tell you you’ll be happier than you ever could have been without this shift. The other stuff is about you and your programming, not real love.

This stuff, the reality kind, is about love. Don’t go one more day settling for less than the real thing.

Take a second look at that kind of cute guy who’s waiting for you. No, not the one who turns your world upside down and has you repeating all your old patterns all over again.

The new one.

The one who’s calling when he said he would. The one who’s asking you out with enough notice that respects you have a life. That shows he really wants to see you. The one who wants the same kind of relationship and the same kind of life that you want.

The one we pass over because we think it's not exciting enough and we don't want to settle for less than exciting.

But the truth is that chasing the fairy tale and going for the excitement of the roller coaster ride is what settling really is. Settling for the crumbs of a relationship instead of the real thing.

There’s only one person who’s keeping you from having the kind of real love that you've always wanted: You.

It's time to stop settling for less than what you truly want - real love!

Getting Past Emotionally Unavailable Men

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A couple is seen from behind walking arm-in-arm down a wooded path, indicating that she has finally gotten past emotionally unavailable men.One of our gorgeous readers, Maria, shares her story about finally getting past the emotionally unavailable men she was typically attracted to that would always suddenly disappear on her.

She's now found real love with a great guy that she would normally have overlooked.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I have spent the last year reading your articles about why he hasn't and doesn't and won't.

As these were the men I was with. Immediate attraction...then poof; the emotionally unavailable man disappeared.

Then, on a chance meeting, a man that didn't meet my "physical wow" came into my life. He was honest, and caring, and thoughtful, and emotionally available.Continue Reading

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

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A woman's hand is on a big red button with the word "Assume" on it, ready to push it, indicating that she is once again making assumptions that might ruin her love life. I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.

You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.

Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.

Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.

Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.

You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.

But the reality is, he’s not you.

I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.

If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.

And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.

Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.

You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.

Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:

  1. You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
  2. You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
  3. You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
  4. You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
  5. You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
  6. You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
  7. You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
  8. You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
  9. You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
  10. You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.

The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.

Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.

Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.

Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?

You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.

You want the reality, you want the truth.

Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.

What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!

The One Little Thing That's Keeping You Stuck

31 Comments

A woman sits at a desk with a book open, replaying her fairy tale romance story in her head with a castle in the background, illustrating that her story is keeping her stuck in a fairytale.
It keeps us doing the same things over and over again, whether it’s working for us or not.

We all have one.

And we’ll do anything to defend it, to keep it going.

It keeps us doing the same things over and over again whether it’s working for us or not. It isn't, but that’s not the point because we’d rather be right than to have to change it. Whether it’s why we’re still single, why we haven’t met him yet, or why it’s not our fault and we can’t possibly do anything to change it ourselves, we’re sticking to it no matter what.

What I'm talking about is our story.

We all hang on to it so tightly.

Until eventually, those tiny cracks that have started to creep into it can no longer go unnoticed and we’re forced to finally look at them for what they really are: a story. When you've been telling yourself the same thing for so long, when you've found a thousand ways to support and prove why it’s not just your story but your truth, it’s the hardest thing to see it for what it really is.

Even if it keeps on hurting you over and over again. Even if it keeps you from seeing a different way of being. Even if it could change your life if you could ever give it up.  It’s not about that. It’s become your story.Continue Reading

But He Takes Care Of Me

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A woman is holding out her hand while her sugar daddy gives her a gold bracelet. She doesn't feel loved but she thinks but he takes care of me.Ah, the high price we pay for someone to take care of us.

Because we think we need someone to take care of us. But the truth is, we don’t.

The crazy thing is that we've been taking care of everyone else for most of our lives, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we’ll put up with too much, way too much, if he'll just take care of us.

Please, just take care of me. Do it all for me. Tell me what I need to do to be with you so you’ll just take care of me, please!

You’re forgetting something so important here; the price you’re paying for being taken so well care of on the surface is not worth the price you’re paying with your soul!

Ah, you say...but he takes care of me.

He buys me things.  He makes sure I’m all set.

Girls, there's an important point here. He’s not your daddy. He’s not supposed to take care of you  like that.

It’s about taking care of each other; a shared experience of taking care of each other. That means both of you.

Do you see the difference?  Because if you don’t, it really matters and you’re not going to attract anything different until you see that a relationship is not about Prince Charming coming to your rescue (as if you even need to be rescued – trust me, you don’t), taking care of you financially and materially, buying you things, getting you all set up.

No.

That’s what a daddy does; but your guy is not your daddy! 

As much as you need your daddy to do these things and maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Chances are, your dad did the best he could with what he knew about being a dad. But chances are also that he came up short and you didn't get what you needed from him.

And that’s why many of us are looking for a father figure.

The reality is that looking for a father figure in your guy and choosing someone based on that subconscious need to find someone who can fulfill that need is not going to get you your dream guy.

Why it’s a problem

Just because our own dad wasn't there for us in the way we needed him to be doesn't mean that our need for that goes away.  Needs don’t go away just because there’s no one there to meet that need; they just get buried deep down inside.  And then they resurface when we’re in a situation where we might have a chance at getting that need met this time.

It’s often why we find ourselves attracted to older men.  There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re not finding yourself in a relationship with something who’s so much older that it’s out of balance.  Like if he’s older and acting like he’s the dad and you’re younger and the daughter.  Read: he’s taking care of you and you’re on the begging end without a whole lot of say in the relationship because you’re younger and he’s taking care of you and you’re the one being taken care of and it’s not healthy.

You see, we can be pretty convincing that we need someone to take care of us like that, someone who makes us feel like they love us by how well they take care of us, but the reality is that usually there’s a lot of control that goes along with that kind of care taking.

And one-sided living.  And calling the shots.

And usually we feel pretty small.  Like the term little woman.  And big daddy.

Yeah, those might be jokes, but they can be pretty real and telling if we take a closer look at the relationships we've gotten ourselves into.

We can take care of ourselves

This isn't the dark ages; we’re not living in a time where women can’t vote, get a job, make a living, have a life, get ahead, make something of themselves.

We can do what ever we want to do and we can do it without a man!  Do you hear that? You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. It’s what you choose to make of it.

You can keep waiting, hoping, praying for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to find yourself in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own.

But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you.

Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be?  Because you can. They just forgot to tell you one of the most important things: you can only do anything, be anything, achieve anything. As long as you believe that you can. That’s the difference between the girl that's holding out for someone to come along and make it all better and the one who really gets it and knows she can create her own happiness in her own life. And that’s exactly who you are.

So start creating your happiness!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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