confidence

Thoughts On The Law of Attraction

One of our beautiful readers, Jenny, is wondering if the Law of Attraction really works. Here are my thoughts - what are yours?

Hi Jane,

Doing such a good cause truly truly inspiring me 🙂 You are so beautiful, both in and out.

Reading about you, you mentioned studied in SFU before brought back lots of good memories for me. I lived in Vancouver before and studied in Columbia College almost two decades ago, you know Vancouver Canada is the most beautiful city I ever lived in my life. That ONE year was the best year in my entire life. I love Canada.

Jane, do you believe in applying Law of Attraction to attract the soul mate?

I feel hopeless in finding that one man and one satisfying relationship. I am 39 and still single. I am kind of like giving up. No worry, I am not depressed at all BUT just accepting the reality I am facing now. I do not wish to marry for the sake of marry due to "old age" as I saw too many unsatisfying marriages - this is depressing, tiring and demotivating ! I do not wish to be in that "unsatisfying group" one day.

Love,

Jenny

My Response:

Dear Jenny,

Even though I'm living in the US now, I still love Canada, too, and eventually would love to live back in Vancouver with my family one day - if I can ever convince my husband!

I believe in a combination of things, Jenny. I believe that we attract people into our lives based on where we're at in our own lives and what we're both subconsciously and consciously putting out there.

But it's not just about sitting alone at home trying to attract someone by thinking and picturing and imagining them. It's about action as well. It's about living your life to its fullest, doing all those things you would be doing if you were with someone, emulating that type of confidence and conviction about who you are and what you have to offer.

It's about really getting in touch with the beautiful essence of you so that that essence is what you're putting out there so that someone who's looking for exactly that can see you and be drawn to you.

So yes, while I would picture what your life would be like with your ideal partner, I would feel what that would feel like more than a specific picture of what he looks like or acts like, because it's really that feeling of being in love - the way you feel - that being with someone is all about.

So I would then take that feeling and apply it to your life.

What makes you feel that way? Where would you go to feel like that? What things would you do? What activities, events, hobbies, etc. would you be involved in?

I've been working for a very long time on a video course that I'm finally launching early in the New Year, and I'll be speaking to all of this in much more detail there. But for now, I hope this gives you something more to go on - I truly believe there is someone for everyone - and I do believe there's an energy within us that attracts someone who's right for us when we're truly ready to receive that, when we come to love and accept who we are, and radiate that type of confidence that knows this and knows exactly what we want and just how deserving we are of receiving it.

There's no too late, or not enough within us - no reason to be hard on ourselves or expect anything more of ourselves than exactly where we're at - it's all a process and it's all a part of our own individual journeys, even if we can't understand why.

Don't ever doubt that there's still more to come for you, Jenny; you have so much to offer someone who's looking for exactly who you are!

Find out what more you want to do, where else you want to go, listen to those little nudgings inside yourself and see what shows up - and comes up within - for you!

Hope this helps and resonates on some level...

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you believe that the Law of Attraction really works? Do you have any other advice for our friend Jenny? Tell us about it in the comments!

You’re Already Her!

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No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

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It's Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I wanted to take the opportunity to let all of you know just how thankful I am that you're all here, and for the words of encouragement that you share with me and with our community.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your lives with me and touching my heart with your personal stories.

If I had my wish, I’d want all of us to spend Thanksgiving together this year.

Forget the logistics, because, yes, I’m well aware that we’d have to rent a small stadium to hold all of us, but wouldn't it be wonderful?

All of us together, free to be our best, most beautiful selves, free to do what we want and live the way we want. Just enjoying the day without worrying about what others are thinking, wondering if they're judging us for being alone.

You could just be.

You could just enjoy.

Free of the worry about those inevitable questions from your well-intentioned family members about whether you are dating anyone, leaving you to wondering about the hidden messages behind the questions.

Barring us all getting together in this one joyous gathering that I can, at least right now, only dream about, we can at least be with each other in spirit. We can feel good knowing that we all have a safe place to turn, a community of beautiful, encouraging women that we can reach out to in order to get the support we need.

So, in the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to convey to you a sense of what I hope for you to feel this holiday season. I want you to see that it’s not about any lack. It’s not about anything you don’t have. It’s about what you do have!

It's about seeing the opportunity, the endless possibilities that lie before you. It's about being grateful for everything that you have in your life right now, and forgetting about what you think might be missing. You see, what very few of us see when we’re still in it, when we’re still in that place where things aren't yet the way we pictured our lives at this point in time, is that we have some very special things to be thankful for.

So, while there are many more, and I'll ask you to come up with your own that apply to your specific life and circumstances, to get you started here are three things you can all be thankful for in your love life right now:

1. You!

Yes, you know that beautiful woman otherwise known as you? The one that knows her own worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than she knows she deserves? You know how she figured this all out?

By going through what you've been through.

By being willing to put yourself out there and refusing to let your heart get hardened.

Few of us learn the things we do without going through our heartbreaks the hard way. Few of us remain unscathed. And yet, just by getting to this point, just by finding your way here, you’re showing that you've got that resilience to rediscover your true beautiful self and find a love for yourself first that you never knew you were capable of.

It’s only when we learn to love ourselves like this, that we shine that beautiful light of our true selves bright enough so that someone who’s truly deserving of you will be able to see exactly the woman he’s been looking to find in you.

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

I know it seems like the last thing you want to be thankful for. After all, that’s exactly what you wanted – you wanted him to call or maybe you were hoping for a commitment from him.

But please hear me when I say that if he wasn't there, if he wasn't on the same page as you, the very last thing you would have wanted in the end was a guy who was leading you on, giving you just enough to keep you hanging, wasting your life away waiting for him to finally be ready for commitment.

You would have found yourself in that miserable kind of a non-relationship with a guy who isn't really into you, a guy who is committing just enough for you to stay stuck in a relationship that he didn't really want.

No matter how much you wanted it to work out, know that you only knew the part of the story that was all about the potential only you were seeing; the rest of the story was the reality that he knew he wasn't on your page. The only ending that two people on different pages end up with is heartbreak, and you know you deserve more than that.

3. For all that is still to come.

This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. Your life up until now has just been one story, one way of seeing, one way of living. You are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the life that is still waiting for you.

We can get so stuck in that place of doubt, where we begin to think that the love and the life we desire, the life that seems so effortless for everyone else, is somehow out of our own reach. But when we come to see that there isn't a select chosen few who somehow deserve more, when we come to see that there is nothing we don’t have that someone else has, a type of shifting begins to happen. We start to question, we start to say why not me?, and we start to see the cultural factors that have played into a programming of how we believe ourselves and our lives to be.

With every learning experience along the way, a little more light shines through. A new way of seeing becomes that much more of a possibility, and a new energy and confidence begins to replace what was once only heartbreak and despair.

It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through. See yourself the way I see you; see all that is still to come for you the way I see it for you. You haven’t been forgotten, you haven’t been passed by. Keep that beautiful dream alive in your heart and soul and don’t let anyone or anything extinguish it.

You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday and every day!

How about you? What are you thankful for in your life right now? Tell us about it in the comments!

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

30 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

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A beautiful smiling confident woman is happy knowing that she is building her confidence. — Use this one little trick and watch your confidence soar!

I started thinking about how differently I would have lived much of my life as a single person if I knew then what I know now about what it’s really like to be loved and in a committed relationship with the love of my life.

I thought of all of you, and I wanted to come up with some way to convey this feeling to you, where you’re at right now.

I want you to have a certain kind of vision, one that all too few of us have when we most need it. I want you to see now, before you go through any more heartbreak, before you write any more stories of your life that aren't the ones you deserve to be telling yourself.

Because the thing is, we all get so caught up in believing this is all about the search for that guy, that special man who will complete us, who will make everything better in our lives.Continue Reading

6 Clear Signs That You're In a Toxic Relationship

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Tox·ic adjective täk-sik: poisonous; extremely harsh, malicious or harmful.

Are you in a relationship that's starting to feel like a toxic relationship? Are you starting to wonder if you've stayed too long?If the definition above sounds like it might be describing your relationship, then you're not alone.

Unfortunately, most of have been there at one time or another in our love lives, and experts believe that nearly half of all relationships could be considered toxic.

When you've been in a relationship that started out great (or at least seemed to at the time) but has gradually degraded over time, it's often difficult to recognize that things have gotten as bad as they have.

Often we're in denial about these problems because we so want the relationship to work; or we're stuck in the past, reliving in our minds how great it was at one time, instead of accepting the reality of what it has disintegrated into.

This is particularly true for us optimistic women that tend to see right past the problems and only see the potential.

If you're unsure of whether or not the relationship you're in falls under the category of toxic relationship, then keep reading for several warning signs to look for.Continue Reading

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Thoughts On The Law of Attraction

My Response:

You’re Already Her!

You.

You!

Be that woman.

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

1. You!

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

3. For all that is still to come.

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

6 Clear Signs That You're In a Toxic Relationship

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