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It's Time to Take Back Your Power

34 Comments

A beautiful woman standing firmly with her arms crossed in front of her depicting that she is learning to say no
Because you are just that powerful!

What you’re really asking is: where’s the dating manual that gives you the rules to navigate this crazy world of love?

It doesn't feel anything like it was supposed to feel like.

It doesn't look anything like what it was supposed to look like.

At least not at this point in your life.

And now I’m telling you you’re powerful? The last thing you feel is powerful!

But, my beautiful friend, that’s exactly what the problem is.

You’re missing the most crucial point of this all! It doesn't have to be like this.

You can take your power back, the power you've actually had all along, and you can set your own terms and see who shows up and who falls back.

It’s an adventure. You can detach and enjoy, and finally see this dating, relationship – this looking for love - for the adventure it can be!Continue Reading

Love Yourself

10 Comments

Love Yourself. A hand is drawing a heart in red on glass spelling out I love me, representing the idea of love yourself.One of our beautiful readers, Nadia, wrote to me asking how to learn to love yourself more. I realized that this is something that all of us soft-hearted, sensitive, caring souls need to learn to do better. Here's her letter along with my response to share with all of you.

Dearest beautiful Jane,

The last articles were really good, thank you really for that! I really benefit from them!! There is this one thing that I've got on my mind...I wonder how do you love yourself more? 🙂 I feel I'm lacking this self-love and I wonder if you can give me some tips? I would really appreciate it.  Much love!

Nadia

My response:

Dear Nadia,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad to hear these articles are resonating with you, and yet I understand what you are saying here; if the key to being more confident is learning to love yourself - how do you actually do that? Especially if you come from a place like so many of us do, where loving yourself is such a foreign concept, and self-loathing is a more accurate picture of what we're so used to doing!

A post I wrote about this, It's Time to Be Selfish, also speaks to this topic, but here's what I've discovered about the journey to love yourself more.

Surround yourself with love.

It's first and foremost about surrounding yourself with supportive people who love and accept you the way you are and make you feel good about yourself.

At the same time, it's about letting go of those people who have the opposite effect on you and are always overtly trying to change you, make comments that make you feel they don't truly accept you, and in one way or another send the message that you're not OK the way you are, you'd be better off being the way they think you should be, and ultimately give you the feeling that there's something wrong with you even though they don't know anything about what they're talking about! The don't.

Now if these people are members your family, while it's not possible to change our families of origin, we can choose to limit our interactions with them and set clear strong boundaries with them when we do need to be around them to limit the amount of control they're able to have over our lives and the way we feel. The idea here, is that by surrounding ourselves with supportive, positive people, it's much easier to be loving to ourselves than if we're always feeling like we need to defend or explain ourselves.

Be passionate.

Get involved in hobbies, passions, activities and projects that you're passionate about and enjoy doing. There's nothing that sends a clearer message to ourselves that we're special and worthy and have so much to offer than doing things that give us proof of that. From the small things like being kind to people when we talk to them, to causes we support or volunteer for where we can genuinely make a difference in the world, it's doing these types of things that give us a whole person to love in ourselves - and reminds us of even more reasons why we're special and can make a difference in a way that's unique to us!

Remember it's OK to say no.

Only say yes to those things you really mean to say yes to, and remember it's OK to say no to the things you really don't want to do! So often we get so caught up in that pleasing mentality where we feel guilty if we say no, and we feel like we always have to say yes if we want people to like us, that we miss out on a wonderful opportunity to show our beautiful selves just how much we're worth and how loving we can be to ourselves.

We becomes so much less authentic when we give up being true to ourselves in exchange for giving people what we think they want from us, and in the process, we send ourselves the very unloving message that we don't have the right to stand up for ourselves and let our yes's simply be yes's, and our no's simply be no's, without long, apologetic defensive explanations.

Responses like this only make us feel worse about ourselves and make us sound like we don't truly believe we have the right to make our own decisions that are best for us! This one can be especially difficult to do if you received the message that saying no was selfish and being agreeable made you a good little girl. But it's also one of the most important things you can do to honor and respect that beautiful woman you truly are!

Keep growing.

Stretch yourself to do things that are out of your comfort zone. Ask yourself what you believe isn't your strong point or your personality strength. Go back in time to think of those things that others told you that you couldn't do or thought you'd never be able to do. Whether the messages you received were subtle or not so subtle, chances are you got the clear message that there were some things you were better at than others, and some things you shouldn't even attempt to try.

The reality is, that those messages you received were based on other people's perception of you, and even though they may have had the best of intentions, such as not wanting you to fail, the end result is always the same. You end up with far too many should's and shouldn'ts that hold you back, give you a feeling of incompetence, and leave you much more likely to loathe yourself for all the things you can't do, rather than love yourself for all the things you can do!

Show yourself that you really can do whatever you put your mind to - this isn't about proving anything to anyone else, but yourself! And know that if there is something you fail at, it's never a failure but a learning experience that puts you more in touch with yourself as you learn even more about who you really are and what you're all about!

Pamper yourself.

Give yourself a fresh makeover. Not that you need to change yourself in any kind of a drastic way, but sometimes just treating yourself to a new updated hairstyle, some new makeup, a new wardrobe, a fresh manicure or pedicure or whatever else is within your budget and fits your lifestyle can do wonders for how you feel about yourself. Don't do any of this for anyone else but yourself, and make sure it reflects who you are and not some hairstylist's or makeover artist's latest craze, but just some small steps to make you feel your best can do wonders for your self-esteem and your ability to see your beautiful, loveable self in a fresh new light.

Becoming your healthiest self by joining a fun exercise class, finding someone to run or bike with, taking up yoga or dance classes, and finding your own path to healthy living by learning to cook healthy meals for yourself are all ways that you send yourself the message that you're worth taking care of in healthy ways!

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Finally, daily affirmations can make such a difference if you start each and every day with your favorite inspirational sayings that you post as a reminder on your bathroom mirror or fridge reminding you of all that you are, all that you have to offer someone truly deserving of you, and all that is beautiful and loveable about yourself! Find those sayings that inspire you and write them out so that they become that much more real in your own handwriting, etching them in your mind.

Most of all, Nadia, remember that there is no one like you, no one who can do what you were created to do, and there is no one you ever need to prove your worthiness to of all that is wonderful and beautiful and loving in the world. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have to offer you, my beautiful friend, and the irony is that it's only when we eventually come to believe this that we finally find that's exactly what we end up with!

Much love to you!

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any additional ideas on how we can all give ourselves the gift of loving ourselves? Share them with us in the comments.

Is It Impossible to Find a Guy That Wants a Commitment?

8 Comments

Don’t commit to him any more than he’s committing to you. A beautiful young woman sits on a plane discussing how hard it is to find a guy that wants commitment.My mother was out for an all too short two week visit, and, as usual, I cried when we dropped her off at the airport last week to fly home. I'm never ready for her to leave. When she got home she told me all about the young woman she sat next to on the plane, and her story sounded so familiar and universal that my heart just went out to her. I was her not so long ago, and from so many of the letters I receive I know that so many of you out there are going through the same thing. If I knew who she was, this is what I would tell her.

To the young woman on the plane:

I don’t know your name or really anything about you, but my mom told me she sat next to you on her plane trip home last week. She said that you had a conversation about dating, love and relationships, and you told her you were taking a break from men. You’ve had enough of giving your heart away and getting nothing but heartbreak in return. And you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong, what you should be doing differently, and how to tell if a guy is really interested in you or if he's just in it for one thing. You just want to be in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to commit to you, too, but somehow, you’re finding this next to impossible to find.

So I have something to say to you, my young, beautiful friend with so many dreams for the future:

Don’t give yourself away.

Don’t commit to him any more than he’s committing to you.

Don’t put him on a pedestal, ever.

Don’t go looking for someone to choose you; you do the choosing!

Don’t get taken in by his good looks and charm; you need to get to know him, the real him, before you know if he’s even someone you want to be with in the first place.

Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated; you know what you deserve, even if you don’t always remember this in the heat of the moment.

I know it’s not always easy to remember these, much less stick to them when you’re so sure this guy is different from all the rest and he’s saying and doing all the right things and he's oh so charming. I had to learn these things the hard way, and so I know firsthand just how hard it is to actually stay strong enough to follow these.

But if you’re going to have a different type of relationship next time, with a different type of guy, this is what you need to do. Especially do not give him your body and soul before enough time has passed for him to prove to you that he truly is worth any part of you.

You see, my beautiful friend, it’s by your actions and by your behavior that you teach him how to treat you; you let him know what your boundaries are; you tell him what you will and will not put up with. If he doesn’t like it, if he wants more, if he pressures you or makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you, those are all sure signs that he’s not what you want. He’s no loss. This is one of those times to be glad you found out early, rather than later. Because that’s the whole reason for following these guidelines.

It will separate the men from the boys.

The players from the real guys. The ones you want to get to know better versus the ones who don’t deserve another second of your time and energy, much less your heart and soul.

Let him go, and know that if he doesn't come back he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t the right one for you. It’s only his loss, not yours. And the best part is you’ll find this out sooner rather than later. Before that kind, tender, loving, giving heart of yours gets broken again.

It's Your Decision

54 Comments

A beautiful woman lies in bed next to her boyfriend, wondering what decision to make.
I know it's not easy.

What can you live with?

Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do, you're not going to change him.

As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him.

So this ultimately comes down to you.

It's time to ask yourself some tough questions.

What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you?

Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him?Continue Reading

Yes, You Can

2 Comments

You can do this. You really can. This standing up for yourself, this setting boundaries and standing firm for what you know you deserve and refusing to settle for anything less A beautiful woman is jumping in a green grassy field.You can do this.

You really can.

This standing up for yourself, this setting boundaries and standing firm for what you know you deserve and refusing to settle for anything less even though you're lonely, even though you miss him, even though you're so used to convincing yourself it's ok that you actually believe it is.

I know it's hard. I know you want to do anything but this.

I know you want it to be easy.

To just flow. To be like you've heard and seen in all those romance novels and movies and happily after fairy tales you remember from your childhood.

I know you feel like you've been sold a bill of goods, that it wasn't supposed to turn out this way, that it wasn't supposed to be this complicated or this heartbreaking.

I know exactly how you feel because I always felt this way too.

And I still do.

Because like so many of you, so many times I have to be dragged kicking and screaming to finally get something, to finally get that I have to be strong even though I don't want to be, even though I want it to be easy, even though I don't want to fight for myself, even though I keep telling myself that it wasn't supposed to be this way!

It's a life pattern, not just a relationship pattern.

And all too often, I get stuck in the way I think it should be and forget that none of that really matters. The way it should be, the way I wanted it to be, the way it was promised it would be, doesn't matter at all. The only thing that matters is what is. What really is. The rest is all just wasted time and energy. Lots of it.

So as much as we try to resist, as much as we don't want to have to stand up for ourselves one more time and go through this again, we have to.

You have to.

Because if you don't, life has a way of coming back around and around and setting up the same lessons that you need to learn. And you will be so much better once you learn these, even if you can't see it right now. I know this all too well, because so many of us are where we're at because we are so emotional. And being emotional, thinking with our sensitive emotions that make us soft and sensitive and understanding and compassionate and empathetic and caring and loving - I could go on and on here; these wonderful qualities make us who we are and make the world a better place because we're in it with these qualities.

But it does make life harder on us.

It makes us long for a soft, warm place where we can find someone who will love us with all their hearts and find a place to call home with them. But this isn't about letting your heart get hardened, you can keep all those beautiful, sensitive parts of yourself while still being strong for the one person that deserves the kind of strength I'm talking about here – you. And that's why this isn't one you can skip over. Because you're worth so much more than just sitting by and letting life and love treat you this way.

This isn't the way life and love is meant to be.

It's not. It's time to stand up and be heard, to show your beautiful strength, to stand up for who you are and what you believe in, to refuse to back down and change your mind just because someone makes you feel so small. You are that strong. You are all that. You and only you let the world know how it can treat you.

We let our beautiful hearts and our souls run so much of our lives and we have a hard time seeing the logical, practical side of things. We have such a hard time thinking with our heads because it's our hearts where we live most of the time, and so we can't understand why everyone else seems to have such an easier time figuring this out.

But we all come to this in our own time, as part of our own journey. When we're ready, we get it. We get that it's only in standing up like this, in speaking up for ourselves, in setting the rules for how we will allow someone to treat us, regardless of who he is or what he does for us. It's only by being so clear on who we are and what and who we will allow in our lives that we can find that resolve within ourselves to stand up and keep standing up for ourselves and what we believe in and what we stand for. It's worth it.

You're worth it.

I know it's not that easy path it was supposed to be. I know it's hard. I know it shouldn't be like this. I know they never said anything about this part, the part you're going through right now. But when you make it a habit of living your life like this, when you live your life standing up for you, when you get just how much you're worth standing up for – always, it will get easier and it will be such a richer life you're living. Without all this stuff that weighs on you, without all their stuff that you allow them to weigh on you. You can't please them, so stop trying. You can't convince him, so stop trying. You can't make him love you, so stop trying. You can't make anyone do anything different if they don't want to themselves. You can't change anyone but yourself.

It's you again, my beautiful friend. It always comes back to you. And you, I'm telling you, can do this one, too!

Boundaries

11 Comments

Set and respect your boundaries in a relationship. Beautiful woman standing by her personal boundaries by setting boundaries in relationships. Here's what you need to know to get him to respect your boundaries. 

Looking back, I realize that one of the things that most contributed to my many rocky relationship roller coaster rides was the whole thing about boundaries, or, more accurately, the lack thereof.

Although there are many different definitions and ideas out there about what boundaries are and aren’t (and a whole bunch of self-help books on that exact subject to go along with it), the simplest way to think of boundaries regarding these relationships we’re in is this question: At what point do we stand up and let someone know we are not okay with something they are doing?

Sound simple?

Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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