Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

Why Didn't I Set Boundaries With Him?

25 Comments

One of our dear readers, Sheryl, has written to me wondering why she was unable to set boundaries with her previous boyfriend - it's a very common situation and one that so many of us find ourselves in.

Here's her email:

I've done a considerable amount of soul searching the past week after a difficult deceitful break up. I realized that I set no boundaries with this man which is so unlike me.

After literally making a list of my assets (what I have to offer) what I want in a relationship and then what "he" turned into after the first 6 month, I tolerated the most immature, crude, cruel behavior I have ever seen.

I'm struggling as to WHY? Why would I have put up with something that was truly so unacceptable to me... even at the time.

My Response:

That's great you made this list, Sheryl. It really puts it in perspective when you can see just how much you have to offer and what you were putting up with.

We all have our reasons that we go into that place, where we forget who we are and what we deserve. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this and realizing that setting your own boundaries around someone else's behaviors are the key to getting what you want – and avoiding what you don't – in any relationship.

Whenever we find ourselves putting up with certain behaviors that we wouldn't normally allow, there's an exchange going on that we may not even realize. As in, what you were getting in return from him offered you something that was worth more to you than calling him on it and refusing to put up with it, or simply walking away.

Since you obviously understand the way boundaries work and you're in touch with your own, there was clearly something there that seemed worth it to you at the time, even if you weren't consciously aware of what it was.

Look closer at what he had that drew you to him.

Why were you with him in the first place? Why did you remain with him while he was exhibiting these behaviors?

Don't look for these answers as further reasons to beat yourself up; look at them as clues to understanding some triggers deep within you that you may not even realize you have.

Sometimes it takes a certain type of person under certain kinds of circumstances for us to see something – and learn something – that we wouldn't otherwise have learned.

That's the real gift in these experiences. There's always a reason if we're willing to see it – and learn from it.

But don't let this derail you, Sheryl.

Too often we look at these at yet another opportunity to shrink back and stay stuck in the "why" instead of asking the questions, finding our answers and becoming aware, and then moving on to making whatever changes we need to make in our lives out of our new awareness.

Don't stay in the why. Come out into the beautiful light of you.

Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our dear friend Sheryl? Share them with us in the comments!

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

79 Comments

For those of you who regularly read this blog, you've heard me ask this question time and time again.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

But instead of answering this question directly for yourself by digging deeper to get to the root of the problem, you do the easier thing.

You find something – anything – that sounds like it makes your story different. That makes you the exception. That makes it different this time with this particular guy.

And I know why you do it. You do it for the same reason that I did it, and so many others do it too.

You really want to believe it's different. You don't want to let go.

But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around.

And so, you stay.

And so, you wait.

Because you believe he’s the one. Because you believe he’s the last one. Because you believe you can’t live without him.

Can you see what’s really going on here? This isn't about him. This isn't about everything you believe he has to offer you.

This is about fear.

You’re afraid.

You don’t want to lose him because you’re afraid there isn't anyone better than him coming along and you’d rather have what you've got with him than settle for someone who you haven’t met yet.

It’s that fear that keeps all of us right where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, about a job, about a state of being, or about anything else where we’re being nudged out of our comfort zones.

We've all been there; you’re so not alone in this.

There's a way to fix it.

It’s called trust. In you.

The reason you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is because you don’t believe there's someone else out there better for you. But that’s a lie that you've bought into that doesn't reflect the real truth.

The only ones you want to be with are the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.

The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.

The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse.

I know you want some reassurance, some way of knowing that there’s more to come than this, that there’s more to love than what you’re getting.

That kind of reassurance is right there, in your heart of hearts, beyond that place called fear. But to see it, to get there, you have to be willing to give up what you've got.

To question your belief that this is all there is. To question what you’re really looking for and why.

Don’t call it love if it hurts. Don’t call it “just the way he is” if it’s not the way you want it.

You’re the one in control here. Instead of focusing on him, focus on you. You’re the one who deserves to be loved. You’re the one who deserves to be respected.

Once you get clear on what you want and what you don’t, the rest is simple. You let go of what you don’t want – no matter how exciting it may feel to be with someone who keeps you at a distance – and you let someone who can give you what you deserve a chance to show you what he’s all about.

It’s always your choice what you choose to accept and what you refuse to allow.

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

37 Comments

Here's an email from another one of our beautiful readers, who signed herself DRT.

She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and is ready for the next stage, but her boyfriend is not.

Here's her story:

Thanks for your site. I've read a few of the articles, which I have found insightful.

My question is: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I'm in my early thirties and he is nearly forty. We have lived together for most of that time.

I have been ready to settle down and have children for some time now. The time is also right for me career-wise (and may be less so in future due to increasing responsibilities which I'll need some time to get used to).

He has always said we will get married and have children but it always seems to be some vague time in the future. Currently he wants to wait a couple of years until he is the next rung up the career ladder.

He complains that he hasn't lived his life yet and that we don't go out enough. I'll be honest I would prefer a meet up with friends or a day trip rather than go partying. This is the main cause of our arguments.

We generally get on well otherwise and both have our hobbies although not shared.

His takes up a lot of his time and often at short notice which I find frustrating, and he gets annoyed that I won't go with him though I have tried and don't enjoy it.

What worries me also is that he actively tries to avoid events with children, including with my family (I have several young cousins).

I know you don't have to like other people's children to have your own but I would want someone who is an active father involved in family life and events.

I am starting to think that the future I envisaged will not happen.

Should I continue in a relationship with someone I love and enjoy spending time with when we're together or am I going to miss my chance at a family because I wait too long for a man who may not commit?

Signed, DRT

My Response:

Dear DRT,

I hear where you're coming from.

You have all this history and time invested with someone, and then there's the reality of where you are and what you want at this stage of your life, and it sounds like he hasn't come to this point with you.

I see several red flags here, particularly the fact that you say he tries to "actively avoid events with children" - and you want children - and that he's "complaining he hasn't live his life yet and we don't go out enough" - and you prefer to meet up with some friends than go partying.

Since you clearly know what you want, and he's not giving you some real indicators that these are the same priority for him, these would be some real red flags for me if I was looking to get married and have children and this was a top priority for me.

But this has to come from you. You have to come to this for yourself or you won't be able to live with yourself and your decision.

Is he really marriage material or are the two of you too far apart on these points that are at the top of your priority list? Are you willing to take a "wait-and-see" approach to see if he might come around? No one can know the future, but where someone is at now - and how they behave - are the best indicators you have of what you can expect more of.

If you haven't already, I would evaluate just how much you really have in common when it comes to what matters most to you. As I've said in an earlier post, one of the ways you'll know if you've got a keeper is if he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. And I used the example that if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want.

Unfortunately, I hear far too many stories from women who wait and wait and wait some more for some man with so much potential that they've fallen in love with to come around to their page, until their own lives have passed them by. While these are someone else's stories and the only story that matters here is your own, they reveal the reality of where this road often leads.

I have a feeling that that since you're writing to me about this now, you already know your own answers. Deep down, we always do.

Whether it's that pull that urges you to give it just a little more time - and then you set that time frame in your own mind - or that gentle nudging that tells you there's more to life and love and being in relationship with someone you love than this.

Whatever pull feels stronger, DRT, know that this is always about you and what you can live with and what you can't.

Real love - the real kind you're talking about that you choose - is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know of a healthy, loving, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship that can last without that.

But what that looks like specifically can be different for each of us depending on who you are, what you want and what you don't, and what you need to be happy.

It's not about him - you can let him know what you want and what you need to be happy - but you can't change him. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps give you some outside perspective, DRT.

I know this isn't an easy decision to make, but regardless of what you decide, the best place to start is the decision to focus on you, to make your own life a priority, and live your own life in a way that reflects your beautiful, authentic, true self with so much to offer, so much to give.

Sometimes all it takes is that conscious shift in our own way of being that creates a new energy that ripples through our relationships and brings about a change in the ones we're with.

Love,

Jane

What do you think DRT should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

59 Comments

We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

Is He Just Playing Games?

15 Comments

Our wonderful reader Meghan is wondering what she should do with the guy she's dating who seems to have commitment issues and might be playing games with her.

Her email:

I met him just after he broke up with his old gf. I played it cool because I didn't want it to turn into rebound sex.

Things worked out nicely and I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months now and it was always been super relaxed and we can always have a good time, and have lots of chemistry in bed.

But it almost seems as soon things get serious he gets scared and stops treating me like his gf and will intentionally do things that make me jealous.

He says he likes me a lot and when we are alone he's super loving. I'm trying to give him space to think about us but I fear he is using this time to hook up with other girls. It hurts and I want to say something but I'm not wanting to scare him off by talking too much about our relationship because of his commitment issues.

I am confused if he is just playing games with me because he knows he can.

What should my next move be?

My Response:

Don't allow him to play games with you, Meghan.

When you remember that you're the prize, that you don't need him; when you remember you're the one doing the choosing here and you change your mindset to that place of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer him, you shift the relationship.

You change the way he sees you by changing the way you see yourself.

Remember your life, you've got one, too.

Yes, you have every right to talk to him, but are you talking to him out of your own insecurities or because you really have something to say?

Fill your time, fill your life, as I wrote in one of my previous posts, be hard to get, don't play hard to get.

Show him that you have a life, too, but not because you're showing it to him, but because you do have a life. And if you don't have one, get one.

Make one for yourself.

Life is meant to be lived in every sense of the word, with so many places to fill your life with love so that he doesn't become your everything. He's not! He's only another human being with his own faults and shortcomings.

But above all, know what you can live with and what you can't. Know what he's worth to you. You said he has commitment issues, well, is that what you want? A relationship with someone who has commitment issues?

Or do you want someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing you want with you, who doesn't make you jealous or pull away when you get to close or play other games with you?

It's always your decision, Meghan. But it has to come from you. You're not going to change him; he's going to be who he is. You be who you are. That beautiful, confident, sexy woman known as you!

Hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Meghan? Tell us in the comments!

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

18 Comments

Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with my response:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across your site in search of answers for a non-committal guy. I couldn't find a situation close enough to mine so here it goes...

I fell in love with this guy. It took him 2 years to get a hold of me. We lasted for 3 months before he told me some unsettling news..."We wouldn't work out in the future."

Now it took me a couple of weeks to unravel the meaning behind this. He told me he couldn't commit and probably wouldn't commit. He had given me a promise ring a month into the relationship so him calling things off was surprising.

I saw it coming a few weeks before because he became distant. I did what I thought was right, gave him space, acted like nothing was wrong until the day of our breakup I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I knew something was up and that's when he told me the news.

Nothing was wrong in our relationship really. We never fought. We had great chemistry. I loved his family. The only problem was commitment.

Now he's not the average guy on the block. He's smart and respects me, my body, my thoughts. He was a bit of a player before I met him and that's why it took me so long to get into the relationship.

He still likes me and messes with me but won't commit. I believe it's linked to his father, who is a good man, because his father never married and "plays" around. His father is also a noncommittal guy. I saw potential and the day of our breakup he told me his intentions were not to break up with me that day but he didn't want me to be strung along when he realized we couldn't have a future.

I love him very much and are still friends. He acts like we're still together at times even. I want to have a future with him but I just don't know what to do. I can't change him. I can't make him commit.

I will move on but...I'd like to try again in the future. What should I do with him right now? We text a little, he acts distant and I know he is texting his other ex's because he did during the relationship. And another thing...I was his first SERIOUS relationship. Things got deep and he told me he can't handle the emotions and work that goes into it.

I'd still like to be with him since there was so much love left to hang in the wind. Please tell me your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

- Destiny

My Response:

This is exactly how it goes more often than not, Destiny.

When you see the signs that you’re always right about, when you sense it, when you can feel it and you do what you know is best; you give him that space, you go on like nothing has changed, until the reality of what’s really going on with someone like this catches up with the potential that you've clung so tightly to.

It’s only when, as you say, you can’t take living like this anymore, not being true to yourself or to the truth of what you know in your heart, you finally speak up.

And that’s when you find out you can always trust your instincts, you always know when something more is going on. It wasn't news to either of you, but bringing it up freed you both to express yourselves, to tell the truth of what page you were both on and so now you know exactly what you’re dealing with and you can decide where you want to go from here with this, with him.

You are so right for recognizing that you can’t change him, you can’t make him commit.

Just coming to that on your own is huge, Destiny, as so many of us get stuck in that part and only come to this after we've done so much damage to ourselves. The reality, though, is that while you’d like to try again in the future, he has to want to, too.

And so when he tells you that he “can’t handle the emotions and work that goes into it”, when he says “we wouldn't work out in the future”, and when he breaks it down even further for you by explaining that he “couldn't commit” and “probably wouldn't commit”, you have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is making such a point of making sure that you know exactly where he stands and what he isn't going to be doing with you.

Committing.

Whatever his reasons, whatever his father was or wasn't – and yes, our family histories and dynamics are such a contributing factor to so many issues around commitment. But as romantic an idea it is to rescue him from himself, to be that first serious love that conquers all, you’re not here to save or rescue anyone.

True love is about being with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. This isn't someone who's repeatedly telling you with his words - and his actions - that the page he’s on isn't the one you’re on and clearly shows you this when he's texting both you and his other exes at the same time.

But you have to come to this for yourself.

You have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t when you decide what you want to do right now with him. And if you decide you want to wait, there’s only one thing to do. You live your own life.

You live and you live and you live some more. You go places you've never been, you do things you've always wanted to do, you create that beautiful life that just waiting for you to jump in with both feet. You discover your passions and you follow your dreams.

You find the things that stir your very soul.

You don't nag, you don't try to manipulate or control him, you don't play games. You stay true to yourself. You’re honest and you’re real. You don’t compromise on what you want and what you’re willing to settle for.

You keep your options open and adopt the mindset that YOU are the prize here - because that’s exactly what you are! And in this kind of living, you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.

When you live your life like this, you'll find out that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other thoughts, encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Destiny? Share them with us in the comments.

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Why Didn't I Set Boundaries With Him?

Here's her email:

My Response:

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

My Response:

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

What about this is loving?

It’s time to free yourself.

He’s not there.

Is He Just Playing Games?

Her email:

My Response:

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

My Response:

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