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The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

He Cheated On Me But I Don't Want Our Relationship to be Over

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Man is cheating on his girlfriend texting the other woman while she sleeps in bed next to him.Our beautiful friend, Lola, has been with her boyfriend for 6 years, and he has cheated on her in the past. Now she thinks he is cheating on her again, and has confirmed that he's lying to her. She's wondering what to do from here.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been seeing this man (we both are 47) for 6 yrs. There has been cheating on his part in the past. I took him back, did brief counseling but I still have difficulty with trust.

I recently met a woman who said she knew him and immediately my "spidey sense" was heightened. I discovered (by asking) that they have since made contact.....Here is the what happened last week. He & I got together on Thursday (because something going on Sat night) & I asked about this woman again. He told me he has no interest in her. We end our evening on a good note, positive.

Saturday evening comes around & I'm out with a girlfriend by his house. I call. He says not home (tells me not to come by) but I can tell that he is there. Then I see his garage door go up & this woman (the one asked about) is leaving getting in her car in the driveway.  He is in his car in the garage (I saw his back up lights come on).

I immediately called him and he did answer or respond to texts. I was furious and hurt.

I tried to contact him the next day and no response......it's been a week and I have not attempted to make contact with him.

He LIED to me, I hate myself because I love him.

Cheating on me again? What do I do?

Is over just like this after 6 yrs?

I keep thinking about it?

I know I overreacted when saw her leaving his house.....This can't be all my fault.

I don't want our relationship to be over.....

What do I do?

Attempt to contact him?

I'm a mess.......

Help.

Lola

My Response:

Dear Lola,

Of course you still have difficulty with trust; it's because he isn't giving you any reason to trust him. Of course you're looking for the positive notes to gauge where things stand; it's because you have little else to go on. Of course you found yourself by his house; it's because you know there's so much more to his explanations.

And of course you feel you overreacted when you saw another woman leaving his house; there's nothing we do so well as blame ourselves for what went wrong.

It's so hard to see this clearly right now from where you stand, Lola. And especially when you have so much time and energy invested in this man that you know things could be so different with, if only he could see this for himself.

But you've tried reaching out, and he hasn't responded. Not for a week.  He's cheated before, you say. You took him back - of course you did when we all want to believe in that beautiful romantic notion that love can conquer all – regardless of whether or not someone wants it to.  You tried counseling; because that's what we all do so well.

We keep trying, we keep working, we keep thinking it's got to change if we can only do that "one last thing" to turn this relationship around.

But how lonely to be doing this on your own! How beautiful a heart you have that you can give and love and forgive and take someone back like you have for the sake of that one word that means so much to us all – love.

Is it love, Lola? Is this love?  Is being treated like this love? Is putting yourself out there again and again to be subjected to this what you had in mind when you thought you were falling in love?  Is watching some other woman walking out of his house when he's blatantly lying to you, telling you he's not at home when you can see with your own eyes that that's exactly where he is – what you had in mind?

No matter how much of ourselves we've invested in someone, when we look at the reality of what we're getting from someone, of what we're not getting, of what someone isn't capable of giving us whether they're wounded from their own pasts or not, there comes a time when we can no longer keep this reality from speaking for itself.

And then it comes down to where it always does – to you.

And the one statement buried in your email to me that says more about what's really going on than anything else about him; I hate myself because I love him.

This is why only you can change this, Lola.

This is why you are as powerful as you are, no matter how much you can't see it right now. You know in your heart of hearts that this isn't loving to you.

You know you deserve better than this. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this. You don't love him; you love the idea of him. You love the way you've made him out to be in your own  mind that has nothing to do with the reality of who he is or what he can give you.

What are you really letting go of if you don't contact him again? What are you really losing if you set him free to live the life he so obviously wants to live? What are you gaining in return?

Self-respect.

The kind that matters more than any other kind. The kind that turns into a higher self-esteem and more self-confidence than you're living with right now.  The only kind worth having when you know you've done the most loving, compassionate thing you can do for yourself. The kind that realizes you're worth more than what you've been trying to convince yourself is the best you're going to get.

You're the loving kind, Lola; not the begging kind. And this self-loathing, self-hatred is a sign that something needs to change. We can't treat ourselves like this and still love ourselves.

If you're not enough to turn this around, why is he enough for you?

If you can relate to what's Lola's going through, I'd love to hear from you. And so would she. Share your thoughts with her in the comments.

Should I Move Out?

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A beautiful woman sits at a table wondering if she should move out while her boyfriend watches tvOne of our new beautiful readers, Kirsty, has been living with her boyfriend for a few years, but has found that things have changed, he won't commit, and he's becoming emotionally distant.

Here's her story:

Hi,

Firstly I want to say how great this website is and how glad I am to have found it. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about my problem so I shall ask you.

I am 42 and I started dating my bf a few years ago, previous to this I had been single for 6 years.  A year ago I moved into his house and gave up mine. At the time I was very unsure but I felt it a good opportunity and so I jumped.

He has always told me he doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married but that I would always have a home here. In the beginning we went away for weekends and did fun things. Since living with him, we haven't done anything. When I ask for us to do something he always says "I don't know what I'm doing"!

He cant make plans for us but he can for his interests.

I now do things like sports and seeing family and friends on my own because he doesn't want to come and I seem to be doing everything on my own now. He has never said he loves me and the love care and affection is very scarce now.

He is happy working and sitting in front of the box every night. When I ask him to do something he always says no. Just lately I seem to be more hurt and angry with him than I do having fun with him.

I feel like a lodger who gets a daily kiss in the morning and in bed. I have told him this and he says if you are unhappy then you have to do something about it. When I ask for cuddles he gets funny but he wants to cuddle me at night.

I feel so confused, because I really love him and love to kiss and hug him, but I have pulled back and he doesn't come forth with the affection. The other day I said I couldn't cope anymore and that I was looking for another place to live but if we can work it out I would stay. He said "I don't work at things, they're either good or not".

I feel sad and lonely and think why am I here when I do everything alone and we have no future plans or goals we are working towards. I have been a bit depressed.

I suppose my question is does anyone understand what's going on here? Do I move out? Communication is an issue somewhat as he just kills it by saying its up to you, or I don't work on things.

Please help

- Kirsty

My Response:

Thank you for your kind words, Kirsty, and welcome!  I’m so glad you've found your way here!

Whenever you’re not sure about what to do in a given situation, I've always found two things to be very helpful.

The first is that if you imagine your best friend is telling you about her own situation, and the story is exactly the same as what you just told me - what would your advice to her be?  Your response to her will give you an outside perspective into what your own answer is for you.

What would you say to her?

What would you want her to see that she's not currently seeing?

How would you see her situation from a different point of view?

The second is that you can’t go wrong by doing what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm with the least amount of regret. Would moving out give you that? Would you feel you didn't try hard enough? Or would you feel some relief after the initial shock of such a move?

Would you regret that you didn't keep asking, keep trying something different to elicit a different reaction? Or do you know deep down in your heart of hearts that you've tried everything – and then some – to try to turn things around?

There’s a reason we have such a hard time seeing our own answers clearly for ourselves; so often we don’t really want to see it for what it is. We hold tight to our subconscious belief systems – our programming – that tells us we don’t deserve better or we should be happy to have it as good as we do, or any other number of stories we buy into without even realizing this is what we’re doing.

Whether it’s someone else’s voice or our own, we hear the same words:

A relationship is work and you have to work for it to make it work. You’re expecting too much. He’s a man; what do you expect? Do you think it’s always going to be easy? What’s wrong with you?

The list of all the  things we believe about ourselves and our relationships goes on and on if we are open enough to going beneath the surface and seeing what’s really behind why we settle for the things we do.

What’s going on is so clear from here, Kirsty. But when you’re in it like you are, it never is.

Reread what you've written to me, paying close attention to what you've said about his responses, his words. You've got your answers, Kirsty.

From the time he first told you he “doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married”. From the way he can make plans for his own interests, but not for the two of you. From his answer to you that he “doesn't work on things. They’re either good or not”.  From the way he puts it on you, “If you are unhappy, then you have to do something about it.”

It’s all there.

Where he stands and where he doesn't. Where you stand on his list of priorities, and where you don’t. His activities motivate him, but not you.

It’s not surprising you’re sad and lonely and “wondering why you’re here.” It’s because you’re not there.  He’s not there. You’re alone. It’s a paradox. You’re there in person, but you’re not there in all the ways that matter.  You've pulled back and what did he do? Did he fill in that space and come closer? Or was he content to keep that space you created? It’s how you know what’s really there even if the words don’t convince you. It’s what he does.

Don’t accept these crumbs you’re being thrown anymore, Kirsty. Don’t keep asking someone who always says “no”. Don’t ask for cuddles, affection, love or attention from someone who you have ask these things of in the first place.

The only confusion here is that you don’t see what you’re doing to yourself by putting yourself through this and calling it love.  Somehow, somewhere along the way, you've forgotten who you are and what you deserve.

You've replaced living with settling and loving with loathing – yourself. Don’t call this love. Don’t allow your beautiful ,  loving heart and soul to be a part of living and loving this way with someone so incapable of giving you what you deserve.

Yes, choose you. Yes, you absolutely deserve to be loved and this is absolutely not anything remotely resembling love. Ask yourself these questions - you know what the answers are.

Don’t do it for me or for anyone else, do it for you!

I know you can relate on some level to what Kirsty’s going through. She’s not alone. And neither are you. Kirsty would love to have your support and encouragement, too. Please give her your thoughts on her situation here in the comments. Thank you.

My Committed Boyfriend Says He's Not Ready to Commit

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Word commitment written on a piece of paper being erased symbolizing lack of commitmentOur dear friend Sarah is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, but he won't take that commitment to the next level. He says that he's not ready to commit to her further.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

A few months ago, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (he's 28 and I'm 32, and we don't live together) and I were planning on buying a house.

We discussed legal aspects (i.e. what happens if things don't work out), financial aspects and I felt like we were on the path to home ownership. We decided against it because the market is not very good and I think we both realized it was too soon for us anyway. Since then, we haven't had any conversations about moving in together.

I got the feeling from him that he had changed his mind and wasn't ready.

The other day, I asked him if he would ever want to live with me, and he gave me a very confusing answer - that he loved me very much, but felt like he wasn't ready to settle down. That he never got to live the bachelor life and that he doesn't feel ready financially, mentally or socially. The confusing part is that he said he feels like he wants to meet more people and have more fun and I'm not sure if he means guy friends or females.

We have a connection that I've never experienced. We are very easy going, communicative and don't fight. We have the same goals, don't want children, and make long term career plans with each other in mind.

His family, friends and I get along amazing. We have a ton of fun whenever we're together, and thoroughly enjoy our quality time together. We have a lot of the same interests, have the same sense of humor but also have our separate interests and passions that we encourage each other to pursue.

We vacation together for weeks on end and don't drive each other crazy. We are always in each others plans for the future, the near future anyway, such as where we want to vacation during the next year and how we can prepare for our financial future. He kisses me on the forehead regularly and looks at me with a love in his eyes that makes me believe I am truly his number one.

In short, his actions and his words are saying two different things and it's got me really confused.

During our lengthy discussion about commitment, I told him I would not be someone's second choice, if indeed he wasn't sure if I was the one for him and wanted to keep his options open.

He told me he wishes we had met when he was a few years older. The thought of us breaking up made us both cry as we held each other. We decided to stay together, even though I'm aware that anything can change, but realistically, that's a risk we take even if both parties are committed.

I don't have a lot of friends and we talked about how our social lives consist of us hanging out with his friends/family and doing things that he suggests or initiates. I have a business that requires me to work alone and I've found it has made me slightly isolated and I don't have a lot going on in my life.

I think a part of him wishes I was more outgoing, fun, exciting, and engaging.

In the past few days, I've found myself trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics. I've also been analyzing his words and actions, I think in search for some clue that he's swaying one way or the other and so far,  he's just like normal; loving, fun and committed to making me happy.

But I know I can't do this forever, looking for proof he picks me/commitment, as it will drive me crazy.  My brain says break up with him, as I've learned from previous experiences that we always miss the red flags and I don't want to feel stupid down the road when/if he breaks up with me.

But in my heart, I know that he loves me more than I think anyone has ever loved me and I think he's smart enough to know he won't ever find anyone as good as me - actually he's told me that.

I've been thinking of giving him 6 months and then coming back to this with him to see if anything's changed. If not I'll have to end it.

I don't want a commitment to move in together right away, just a "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you" from him. I know what I deserve and want in life. Everything I read on your site says to me I need to end this relationship. Do you think maybe this is different?

Thanks so much,

Sarah

My Response:

Dear Sarah,

The part that makes every relationship different is that it’s your own.

You know what he has to offer. You know where he stands. You know what you have with him. And you know very clearly what you want – a commitment that says "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you."

But that isn't what you're getting from him. You have a guy who is being honest with you, letting you know that “he loves you very much, but feels like he isn't ready to settle down.” And you are.  And you are being very wise to believe him, to hear what he’s saying, to not make excuses for him, but to take him at his word, even if his actions give you reason to hope.

The fact that you're 32 and he’s 28 may have something to do with this; as you're ready for more of a commitment – and understandably so! – while he doesn't feel the same urgency.

And because for men in our culture, there is never an expectation that he should be settling down like there is for women, it feels normal for him that he would want to experience that bachelor life that is widely marketed in so many ways around us.

I suspect this is what he’s talking about, too, and why he feels he isn't in any hurry to commit to you, regardless of his feelings for you. It’s two different things.

But this isn't about him; it’s about you.

It’s about what you need to be happy, it’s about what you can live with and what you can’t. It’s not about settling, it’s about making a choice knowing full well what it is your choosing, and what you’re giving up and what you’re not. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you’re looking for from him and what he is and isn't able to give you.

My concern is that you’re “trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics.”

When we go down the path of trying to be more of what we think someone wants us to be to try to convince them of our worth, and why they should want to be with us in the committed relationship we’re looking for, we can do so much damage to our self-esteem and confidence by feeling like because we are not getting our desired response that there is something “wrong” with us, or that we’re somehow not “good enough” for them. When in reality, this isn’t about you being enough of anything for him, it’s about his own desire to live the bachelor life, as he says, and do what he feels he needs to do for himself. This has nothing to do with you.

Take your own power back, Sarah, because this is about  what you can do, not what you can’t.

Because you can do a lot.

You have a timeline, which is your own inner gauge of how long you’re willing to wait to see if anything changes.  But in that timeline, don’t spent your time waiting. There’s so much more to life than waiting for someone to be ready, to be on your same page, to see what you can see so clearly.

Don’t let your business isolate you; go find the life that you want for yourself.  Don't make him the center of your universe. Give him some space to be himself while you discover your own true self. Be true to yourself. Find the people, the hobbies, the activities that fuel your own passions.

Don't spend your time focusing on him and where he’s at – that does more damage to you than you can imagine. Don’t nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games.  Just be yourself. Be honest with him and yourself. And be your authentic true self.

Keep your  own options open and adopt the mindset that you are the one who’s the prize here - because you are!

When you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up or come around and be something he can’t or won’t be.

And when you live your life like this, you’ll allow him to discover if he's ready to take things to the next step on his own, because that’s the only way you want it.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

Do you have any words of advice or support for Sarah? Or can you relate to her story? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

 

It's Become a Long Distance Relationship, and I'm Devastated

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A beautiful woman sits on a balcony overlooking the city devastated that her relationship with her boyfriend has become a long distance relationshipOne of our gorgeous readers, who calls herself "V", is in a great relationship with a guy that she loves. The problem is that it's suddenly turned into a long distance relationship because of a job that he's taken.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I am having a really tough time right now.

I moved last year to a small town my retired parents and never expected to stay. However, I ended up starting a business here, one I'm hoping will eventually afford me the ability to travel when I choose to.

For the past 6 months I have been in a friendship that slowly turned into a relationship. It gets better every day, but it didn't start out as him wanting anything more than friendship so we haven't been officially dating for very long.

The man I met had been focused on getting out of this small town he grew up in and making a name for himself outside of his family business. We have very similar hopes and dreams and that is how we bonded in the first place. We are both in our twenties, he is a few years younger than me.

This past week he finally got a job that is really wonderful for him. It's a huge raise, but he will be traveling all of the time and probably working 10-12 shifts. It is a really great opportunity, however we are both just realizing how much we want to be together and how important our relationship together is.

The reason we didn't start dating right in the first place was that he thought a girlfriend in his home town would tie him down. I accidentally changed the way he feels on that issue, at first because I'm just living here but I'm not attached to the town, and then because he sees how free and good we are together, not that it's a ball and chain- I guess we both matured a lot together already .

Unfortunately this job might take him all over a state about 12 hours away for the next several years. He would only be able to come back here for a few days every few weeks.

I am devastated.

We both want very badly to be together and don't want to let go of each other, but it seems like we're being pulled apart. It sucks because we both want to travel and would love to travel together, but it just doesn't seem like it will work out. Him not taking this job is not an option for either of us.

He has worked at getting something like this for years and I understand completely how he feels.

I just escaped my small hometown myself.  If my business takes off I would have more money to visit (he also said he would pay to fly me down to him).

I just don't know what to do.

From what I think you've said, this just isn't the right relationship for me because I don't want to be away from my love all the time. A week or two wouldn't be a big deal if we were sure to see each other for a few days, but we're pretty sure it'll be like that all the time.

I don't want to let go of something that would be so wonderful for us if only it was a LITTLE different. When I say it, it sounds like this is going to be something that everyone tells me to move on from.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want anyone else, I want him. People say that there are other fish in the sea, but how could I just give up on our life together when it's something we both want and just can't figure out a way around it? Or if it's meant to be, it'll be.

That's so awful to hear all the time. I'm scared because we haven't had a huge amount of time together and I feel crazy for being so completely attached already. Right now we are on "snooze" while he's still home for another week (traveling for four weeks after that and then home for two long weekends) because neither of us wants it to end.

He doesn't feel like it will be fair in the end to be absent from my life all the time physically, even though he says he selfishly wants to stay together.

I can't stop crying and I'm so stressed.

Trying to distract myself with activities has not helped. He is such a good man, but we are both young, still learning, and not settled in one place. He is also the only guy that I've been with that is 110% trustworthy.

The issue is the distance. Please, please help because I am at a complete loss.

I can't handle having my heart broken this time.

- V

My Response:

Dear V,

I understand how much you want this to work in spite of the distance, and I have some great news for you. You’re not the only one in this relationship. There’s two of you here, you and him.

And what that means is if you both want the same thing, if you both want to be together, then the distance won’t be enough to keep the two of you apart. If it’s only you who wants to be together more often, than you’re definitely right that I would say that this isn't the right relationship for you. Because it would mean that you want more than he’s going to be able to give you.

Life in general, which includes relationships, is always about what you can live with and what you can’t.

Don’t worry about trying to distract yourself. I know full well just how hard it is to distract yourself by focusing on your life when something like this is occupying so much of your time and energy.

But you’re not the only one in this.

This isn't only up to you. It’s in recognizing what is yours that you can control here and what isn't, that you can accept the reality of what’s really going on that can bring you some peace here.

You can’t change him. I suspect that because you mention that you've changed his opinion of dating someone from his hometown, that you want to believe you can be enough to change his desire to take this job that would take him away from you for so long.

The reality is, it’s not about you being enough – you’re always enough! But this one isn't up to you. It’s up to him to see this for what it is, to recognize that you can only make decisions and be in control of what is yours to control.

When it comes to this job opportunity, if traveling and being away from home are a priority for him right now, then this is a part of who he is that you’re now finding out more about.

Of course you don’t want to let go of someone that’s ideal in every way except the distance part. But that’s no small thing if you’re not on the same page here. If he’s content to move forward with this even if it means the two of you won’t see each other very often, then this is something you have to decide if you can live with.

Focus on the day to day reality of what that will look like to you. What will being in a long distance relationship with someone like this look like and can you live with that?

I suspect that underneath what you’re feeling here, you’re questioning why you can’t be enough for him to not take this job that will take him away from you. You’re feeling like you've invested so much of yourself already that you can’t bear the thought of letting him go.

And you’re hurting not so much because of the fact that you may not be able to be with this man, but because you’re realizing that you may be the only one who wants this to be something more, who sees the potential the two of you have to be so much more. Yet you’re sensing he’s not there. And you’re heartbroken at the realization that you might be the only one on this page.

If you’re both here, V, if you’re both on the same page, distance won’t matter. But it sounds like this is about more than distance, it’s about him.

If he’s truly right for you, distance won’t change this.

But don’t sign up for something that isn't about distance, but instead is about two people on two different pages, looking for two different things using the distance problem as a disguise to cover up what’s really going on.

You’ll know because it won’t be an issue that can’t be overcome. You’ll know because even if he chooses this job, there will still be a willingness to make this work in spite of this great opportunity. He doesn't have to give up this job opportunity to give you what you’re looking for, but he absolute does have to give you enough for you to know that he’s on the same page and wants the same thing as you.

If you look closer, if you see through eyes that are willing to look beyond the fantasy to the reality of what is, your answer will become clear. As much as we can deny it, deep down we always know.

I hope this helps give you something to think about from an outside perspective.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend V? Share them with us in the comments!

Why Do I Still Feel Like It's Not Over?

52 Comments

A beautiful woman in a black dress holds her head in her hands wondering why do I still feel like it's not over?One of our beautiful friends, who has chosen to call herself "Wanting to Let Go", is asking herself (and us) "Why do I still feel like it's not over?", even though she's moved on to a new relationship with a great guy.

Here's her email:

Jane,

I've read many of your posts and I love your counsel.

I am in a situation I hope you can shed some light on. I met a man in 2011 and we mutually fell in love within 3 months.

We were both in our late 20's and had well-paying jobs and our own apartments (about an hour away from one another) and no children.

We had a wonderful relationship for about a year and half where we took vacations together, emotionally supported one another and were excited about our future.

He told me he loved me everyday, and said I was perfect for him. He told me he wanted to have a family with me.

Then his mother (who is widowed) was diagnosed with advanced leukemia. She got very sick very quickly. My boyfriend grew quiet and withdrawn. He talked about quitting his job and moving closer to her to take care of her.

Since his mother only lives about 15-20 minutes from me, I suggested we find a place to move in together. He said he wasn't comfortable with that. He said he didn't know how he felt about things anymore. He quit his job to move closer to her and found work making significantly less money. He also moved in with a (recently divorced) buddy of his from college.

We continued our relationship, but argued more and more.

He kept saying he didn't know what to do and was trying to figure things out. He came around my apartment less and less and eventually wouldn't talk about feelings or a future anymore. He even took a vacation to Florida without even inviting me.

I felt very alone.

Even though I am sure it wasn't about me personally, I couldn't believe our relationship had deteriorated to this after two and a half years.  So I ended it.

I wish I could say I was graceful about it, but there were many hurt feelings and disappointments. I loved him and missed the way things used to be. I missed the man he was before his mother got sick. I was devastated that he shut me out of his life they way he did.

I spent 4 months being single before I began to date again. I spent time healing with friends and family. I met a new man this spring and have been dating him for 3 months. He is wonderful and adores me.

We've taken a vacation together already and have a second vacation booked. I'm happy with him and enjoy our time together. I don't really know why, but I sent my ex an email at the end of May asking how he was doing and that I was thinking of him and his family. I received no response at all.

My question is this: Why do I still feel like it's not over?

I find myself thinking that maybe things will be different after his mother passes away and he can heal. Like things will go back to the way they were. Even after over 5 months of no contact at all, and a new man in my life, I still haven't quite let go. Do I just need more time?

-Wanting to Let Go

My Response:

Dear Wanting,

What keeps us holding on always has everything to do with our fantasies and nothing to do with our reality.

We hold on because we believe in the love story of our dreams.

We hold on because we believe love can conquer all, because we've bought into the  idea of love that if we give and give and give some more, somehow one day we will be rewarded with getting back that man we worked so hard for. We hold on so tightly to these beliefs even though we’re rarely aware that they even exist, let alone that they influence our lives from a subconscious place to the extent that they do.

And it’s because of all this that you can probably find the reason that you sent your ex that email.  Not because you were dissatisfied with the relationship you've found with this wonderful new man in your life, but because you wanted to see if it could be true.

Could love really conquer all?

Could he have possibly changed back to the man you once knew?

These are such romantic notions, Wanting, so filled with hope and belief in what we've been programmed to believe about true love. Anything else dims so much in comparison, even the love that’s real and true, and standing right in front of us.

It’s more than just time that changes this. It’s how willing we are to look at what’s real and look at what’s fantasy and see the difference between the two.

One loves us, one wants to be with us, one knows our worth. The other isn't there and doesn't know when it will ever be there and doesn't know what it’s missing because it’s not about that.

They’re two very different things.

Don’t give up what you have that’s real for something that’s only a fantasy of your own making, Wanting.  Don’t make it something it isn't for some longing, some proof of a belief system that has nothing to do with either of you.

Let yourself be loved by someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s capable of loving you, who’s capable of committing himself to you. Don’t fall for the love story that only exists in our fantasies, fall for the real love that exists right in front of you in a beautiful place called reality.

It’s the only place that real, lasting love can ever be found.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts for our dear friend "Wanting to Let Go"? Please share them with us in the comments!

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

44 Comments

A beautiful woman is on the phone trying to find our where her boyfriend is after he completely disappeared.One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane.

Where to start....

My ex boyfriend & I were together 3 years we live about an hour apart from each other & so he moved in with me after about 6 months that's when I started to see his real personality & things changed, yet still I loved him with every being in my body every part of me would do absolutely anything to stand by him right or wrong & just wanted to be with him.

I've since found out he has narcissistic personality disorder & so most of my love & emotions & feelings might of been or still be cause I have been brainwashed & sucked in to his web of lies.

So on valentines day this year (2014) he left & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents lived about an hour away & he would be back home that afternoon/evening and we would spend it together and make it special.  It's the 18th of July & I've not seen spoken to him or heard from him, he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned.

I have been going insanely crazy distraught devastated and just constantly crying... how can he say he loves me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me.

I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered her phone & said he was home but away from the house & he is busy she will get him to call me... Needless to say HE HASN'T!

Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my iPad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren't sitting on my iPad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hello new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex.

I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birth date was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me!  He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy one who has lost the plot, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn't for hurting my mum & dad I would be not be here right now...

I've invested 3 years in & loved & trusted & cared I put up with domestic violence and abuse and defended him in court & all all so he can do all this to me, yet even with all the hurt I still just miss him like crazy and want him back or some kind of contact, I don't feel I can move on at all I'm just in bed when not at work I don't go out I don't talk to any one I don't socialize I'm just so broken I can't even pick myself up to start again...  I'm depressed I don't leave the house I hate myself I don't want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.

I am lost with what to do next please help I love reading all the other readers emails I just don't think I can cope

Thank you,

- Lost Jennifer

My response:

You’re none of those words you’re using to describe yourself, Jennifer. You've just fallen into the trap that all too many of us fall into. You've forgotten who you are, what you have to offer, and you’re left in this place where this person has become everything to you and you've become nothing.

It’s a familiar place to so many of us.

None of this is about you. The words he says that contradict his actions show you who he really is and just what he isn't capable of giving you. The hardest part of an ending like this is that what you feel more than anything is the investment of your beautiful heart and soul. You’re left with such longing for the rest of the story. The one you believed in, the one you told yourself that you could eventually get to with him, as long as you hung on and held out the way you did.

It’s a beautiful thing this loving, giving, caring, soul of yours, Jennifer. But it’s not meant to be given to someone who gives you so little in return.

He can’t give you what you long for because he isn't capable of this. And no matter how much you want to believe in the fantasy of what could be if only he could see this the way you do, you can’t. You can’t make him change. You can’t make him come around and see what he’s missing in you.

You can’t make him want you.

You can't make him love you.

You can’t make him be with you.

And while you can’t see this for yourself right now while you’re still in the pain of what you’re going through, the truth is that you don’t really want him to.

You’re worth so much more than someone who you have to do this much work for, who isn't doing this much work for you. You’re worth so much more than someone who can treat you like this, who can disappear, who can leave you wondering if he’s dead or alive, who isn't capable of feeling anything but what he feels himself. This is all about him. It’s what he wants it to be.

And it was the only way for you to see what you really had, and what you didn't really have.

I know we fight it, we resist the greatest lessons we’re meant to learn. But you couldn't do this anymore. Living like this with someone like this. This giving of yourself to someone like this. This sacrificing your true self to tell yourself a convincing enough story to remain with someone like this. We can only do it for so long before something happens to wake us up to the reality of what’s really going on.

It’s your turn, Jennifer. There’s a reason you found him and he found you. There’s a reason you saw only what you wanted to see in him. There’s a reason he’s had such a hold on you. And that reason is what you’re being given a chance to take a glimpse into.

Who does he represent to you? Why him?

Because when we love someone like this, when we give so much of ourselves to someone like this to the detriment of ourselves, it’s never about real love, but always about something we’re trying to prove or show or find in someone else because we can’t find it in ourselves.

What is that? What does he do for you?

You start right now where you are. You take a tiny step forward. You venture just a little bit out of your comfort zone. You take a look at that beautiful woman in the mirror who has no idea of her worth, who has no idea of who she is, of what she brings to the table, of how much she deserves to be loved by someone capable of loving her for exactly who she is.

You can’t see her yet, but she’s there. She’s been waiting for you for such a long time. To notice her, to wrap your arms around her and whisper to her that everything’s going to be OK.

Because it is.

It’s her chance to be who she’s never been. It’s her chance to see what she’s never been able to see. It’s her chance to love and be loved in a way she’s never known love.

Feel everything you’re feeling. Accept your feelings. Let them come as they arrive and then let them go. When you fight them, you miss the healing that’s found in accepting where you are and what you’re feeling. You miss the chance to see that you’re so much more than these feelings alone. That you have a say. And that you don’t have to take on anyone else’s baggage anymore.

That’s what happens to us when we’re so down on ourselves like this. When you become your own harshest critic and dole out the most judgmental words that anyone else ever could. It’s because you’re taking on what isn't yours.

You’re free, Jennifer. Underneath the weight of all of these past 3 years and however many more years before then that you've been taking on the weight of all these men who couldn't give you what you needed and placed all the blame on you, there’s a beautiful soul crying out to be free. To have her life back.

Start there. Start by slowly creating the life for yourself that you never knew. Who are you? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to be? What stirs your soul? What are you passionate about? Go there. Surround yourself with the ones who love you and adore you and support you through this. Write what’s on your heart, write it all out with pen and paper so you can feel your words come to life. What do you want to say? What are you no longer going to be silent about?

It’s why we can’t keep doing this. It’s why it ends when we can’t see what it’s doing to us anymore. It’s why we’re given a second chance on our lives like this.

Don’t fight it. Feel it. You’re so much stronger that you realize and you will get through this too.

Love,

Jane

 

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