Relationships

Our beautiful friend, Crystal, knows that she should run from her relationship and never look back, but she still loves him and wants him to fight for their relationship to prove her wrong. She needs our help!

Here's her story:

Good morning Jane,

I need your help! I'm devastated!

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and at first things were fine when I first met him. We came across the, "have you ever been married" and the "do you have any kids" question - I told him no to both and he told me he had a daughter but that he never had been married.

About two months in he went missing for like 3 days and I began to get worried so my best friend said well look him up and see what you can find out because this doesn't seem right. So I did and low and behold I found out he was married!

I was crushed I was heartbroken!

I later got in touch with him that night and I questioned him about it and he continued to lie until I told him if he told me the truth we could work it out. He finally confessed that he had been married and that he was going through a tough divorce but he's getting one.

He began to say that he loved me and he wanted to be with me.

He promised that, that weekend we would go out of town on a much needed get away to work on our relationship and I agreed to it because I liked him a lot. We were supposed to leave that Saturday and then that Friday he called me and said that a family member had passed, so we couldn't go.

When we first met he told me that he was a regional manager so he would have to go on site sometimes where work was being done and he would be gone at the most 2 weeks and then he would come back home.

Well Jane, he was always gone and it became a long distance relationship that I didn't sign up for. He started being gone a lot and just recently I hadn't seen him in a little over a month.

His jobs were going slow and he switched companies a lot because he couldn't get along with the people he worked for so money got low and then I started sending him money because I wanted to show him I was there for him.

Well this past Saturday was his birthday but he said he would have to "work" so he came back Friday 10/10. Just so happen funds were really low for me after bills but I was going to buy him an outfit and some shoes for his b-day.

Well he called me back Friday and said, "You're not going to believe what happened...man I'm mad."

I asked what happened and he says, "Some transaction hit my account and wiped my account out so now I have no money." He then said, "You didn't buy me anything for my birthday yet did you?" I told him that I hadn't picked it up yet but that I would after I got off. He told me, "Good well don't, you don't get a man gifts he should spoil you with gifts...give you money,"  so I got dressed for us going out that night and I just didn't feel right Jane!

Usually I would go without and give my last for him because I did it in the past but something wasn't right. He took me on this drive to the north side because his friend told him about this movie dinner place.

Here's a side note: every time we go somewhere someone recommends we should go and which are normally expensive places he always complains about the food and he ends up eating and getting his meal for free so Friday it was no different except for it was much worse - he caused a scene and I was so embarrassed we couldn't watch the whole movie because the uproar he caused. He's lucky he didn't go to jail - his profanity was out of this world - he cursed and cursed and cursed and when we got back in my car he said, "So you not gonna say anything and they just talked to your man like that?" 

I told him I was very embarrassed and in mid sentence he said, "Shut the f--- up and let me talk."

Jane I was so hurt and outdone that he had talked to me like this and on the way back to drop him off at some random building I picked him up at he told me he was sorry and that he loved me.

I still had this feeling that something wasn't right with him.

I drop him off at the building where his "homeboy" is supposed to pick him up at and I made a circle just to see. Well as soon as I turned the corner he power walks back into the building at 11 PM and when he enters he looks behind him to see if I saw him.
I just drove off he called me and I talked to him on my way home.

The next day for his birthday I never heard from him and it's not like I could call him because his friends phone number shows up no caller ID and he never gave me the number - how convenient.

Sunday morning I wake up crying because I know he didn't call me because maybe he was with someone else like his wife or some other girlfriend. He calls me Sunday around 5:40 pm and he kept calling until 9 because I wouldn't answer him.

My Mom and sister said that I should leave him alone because he is a gamer and that he doesn't care for me, so Sunday when he called at 9 I picked up and then he told me another family member passed and I definitely didn't believe him this time because almost every time he knows I'm mad someone dies.

Well because I didn't give him the response he wanted he said that he thought we should put our relationship on pause because he has a lot going on mentally and family wise. He said that he needs to be a better man for me so he wanted to get off the phone with me to "pray" and he'd call me back...he hasn't called me back..

I'm so hurt Jane because I know something isn't right but he made me feel Sunday before he said we should take a pause that somehow this was my fault...after he lied to me and I found out it was never the same because when he would be out of town I just felt like a man isn't going to stay away from a woman he loves this long.

I know I should run and never look back but I feel so weird and crazy for still loving him and wanting him to fight for our relationship and to prove me wrong.

What really hurts Jane is that he is supposed to "move" back to Houston on 10/17 and my birthday is 10/22 - how convenient does he put a pause in our relationship when it's time for us to be together for good and when my birthday is coming up?

I admit I complained about him not spending time with me but am I wrong for that? Should I have kept my mouth closed?

Please help me because I feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who I would normally yell at and say she was stupid.

Help me Jane! Help me!

Thank you,

Chrystal

My Response:

You answered this one yourself, Chrystal.

There's a reason you feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who you would normally yell at! It's because when it happens to us, when we see all the warning signs and refuse to see them for exactly that, when we have such a strong sense as you did so many times here that something "isn't right", it's so hard for us to see just how crazy it really is.

You're not stupid - you're just blinded by what you think is love.

And you're in good company - some of the most intelligent women in the world have been involved with men who were never right for them!

It's about the way you see yourself. And it's what you don't see about how you deserve to be treated. It's how you can't see that the fact that this man is essentially still married and that means he's just not available for you - at least not in the way you want him to be.

I know you have the most beautiful of intentions.

I know you have such a capacity to overlook, to excuse, to understand, to look past all the glaring red flags and warning signs that tell you everything you could possibly need to know about whether this man is someone you really want to be with.

I know you see so much more of his potential than the reality of what you have in front of you right now.

Here's the reality: he's still married, regardless of where he is in his divorce. And even if he wasn't, does he really have what you're looking for to offer you? When you look at what you're really looking for, what you know you deserve, does he have that? When you say you didn't sign up for the long distance relationship it turned into, what does that tell you about how little say you have in this?

How convenient is exactly the point, Chrystal. This isn't about your birthday, his "moving back" or anything else about you. This is about him and what's working for him.

Trust yourself - you know! When you say "something doesn't feel right", you know it doesn't feel right, because something isn't right.

You second guess yourself and question whether you had the right to complain about him not spending time with you, and then you wonder if you should have just kept your mouth shut, because you know something isn't right with not saying something, but you don't trust yourself to know because of how conflicted you feel.

Of course you're hurt, of course some of this "really hurts", because you can't be with this person without being hurt. It hurts that he turns the tables on you and is blaming you for what happened because you know in your heart of hearts it's not your fault.

It has to be put on you to get it off him. He knows what he's doing, he knows what he's getting for putting out so little in return. And he knows he can because you're letting him. He has no reason to do anything differently because this is working so well – you are working so well – for him.

What more does he need? Obviously, nothing.

That's the point of this, Chrystal. No one needs to tell you what to do here, because you already know. You just need to listen to your own instincts, to your own true voice that keeps trying to show you that something isn't right so that you'll listen to yourself and see what this is really about.

It's not about him, it's about you seeing this for yourself so clearly this time so that you don't have to go through this again. That's why people show up in our lives, to mirror what's really going on within ourselves.

Would that strong, confident version of yourself who's just biding her time waiting to be seen, allow herself to brush aside all these red flags, all these feelings of something not being right, just for the chance to be with someone like this? Would she accept such crumbs, tell herself the stories you're telling yourself to keep on keeping on with someone who treats you like this? Would she give her "last" to someone who would never give her his?

I know you know the answer, but before you answer, I want you to know it's OK. There's no shame in falling in love with all of your heart for the wrong man - like I said, this happens to the very best of us.

This is about real life - your life. The kind of life that comes with feelings, and beliefs, and self-esteem, and cultural programming. The kind of life that falls in love and falls hard.

But behind that person who can't see, who doesn't see, is a better life. It's a life that deserves to be held compassionately and lovingly and treated gently for only being able to see up to the light that she knows.

It is OK, because it's you - a real, live human being. A beautiful soul with feelings, and dreams, and hopes, and plans.

You're human, Chrystal. And as much as it may feel like it, you're not alone. No matter who we are on the outside, we're not so different in what we'll do for love, if we're willing to admit it to ourselves. What others see so clearly, we can rarely see ourselves when we're so enmeshed and caught up in our own unmet needs that we can't see beyond this chance to finally get what we so desperately long for – to be loved.

That's why we call it love even though it hurts. If it's what we're used to. If it's all that we think we deserve. It doesn't matter how intelligent our minds may be, if we hold such a gaping need within us, how can we possibly see?

Tread gently with yourself here. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to see. Yes, it's clear to me and to others who share an outside perspective, but it has to be clear to you, too.

You run, Chrystal, into your own arms, into your own life. No matter who you are or what you've been through, it doesn't have to be such a long road back to learning to love yourself and create a life that's worth living, with only the people in it that are right for you.

But it has to be the choice that you make, not one that anyone else can make for you.

It always seems so obvious to everyone but the one asking the questions. Do you have any advice or thoughts for our beautiful friend, Chrystal? Please share them with her in the comments!