Ever wondered if you're the only one whose understanding and supportive qualities keep getting taken for a ride? You're not alone! Calleigh has her own story to share and I'm pretty sure you'll see something you can relate to in here.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I met a guy at work four years ago. We hit it off right away and had an immediate connection. I've never been with someone who I liked so much and had so much in common and got along with. We started dating a few months later. Everything was just getting started when his parents started having health issues.
I stayed by him through everything.
We talked a few months later and he told me that because his parents were taking up so much of his time, we would have to have more of a friendship at the time. I agreed because I knew he had a lot going on and I wanted to be supportive.
He always acted like I was his girlfriend and would say things that only a boyfriend would say.
Last year, things changed for him with his family and we started spending a lot more time together. I thought that we could start over with a relationship as he was still treating me like I was his girlfriend. He even wanted me to meet his mom.
About two weeks ago he called me to tell me he was seeing someone else and it wasn't going so great and wanted my advice on how to get out of the relationship. I was shocked and so confused. So, I sat down and talked with him and told him that my feelings for him have never changed.
He told me that over the course of the last four years that we've known each other, he really liked the friendship that we had. He said I was his best friend and he wanted to keep it that way.
He also said that could change in the future and then almost as quickly, he said that he didn't see it changing in the future, but yet he asks me to have dinner with him (no one else), invites me to go on long weekend trips and vacations with him, invites me over to his house for dinner, puts his hand on my leg, tells me he misses me, gives me long hugs, kisses me, and still wants me to meet his mom.
He even told me he loved me last year on my birthday and he met my entire family at Christmas.
We talk every week both in text messages and phone calls. He even says the girl he's currently seeing is constantly after him because he's always talking about me and because she thinks he and I are more than friends.
I asked him how long he's been with her and he said that it's been on and off for about a year. I didn't even know about her until two weeks ago, but he talks about me to her all the time.
I'm so confused, hurt, and brokenhearted by this whole situation. I honestly don't know what to think or what to do.
I know if I were to start seeing someone else, he would have a problem with it just based on how he acts toward me and I don't want to date someone just to get a reaction out of this guy.
What do I do and where do I go from here?
-Calleigh
My Response:
I'm so sorry, Calleigh. I know this must have felt like such a huge blow to you.
Of course your heart is breaking and you don't understand how this could have happened. Before I get to what to do now and where you go from here, I want to bring something to your attention and also to everyone else who's ever been in a relationship with mixed signals.
First, you said when he told you that you would have to accept nothing more than friendship from him because of his family, "I agreed because I knew he had a lot going on and I wanted to be supportive." Every single one of us who has ever had the unfortunate experience of being surprised that the guy who didn't have time to be more than friends with us somehow found the time to be more than friends with someone else, also finds out just how misplaced our beautiful qualities of being so understanding and supportive are.
And it happens exactly like this. Unexpectedly. Shockingly. And heartbreakingly.
Save that understanding and support for someone who you're actually in a real relationship with; not someone who plays the empathy card with you to get exactly what he wants - you AND someone else.
Then there's this part. "He always acted like I was his girlfriend and would say things that only a boyfriend would say." The problem with this, Calleigh, is when two of your dominant qualities are being understanding and supportive, you can never assume his words and actions actually mean you're his girlfriend without the label.
See, I've seen too many of us understanding and supportive women being specifically chosen by men to exploit those qualities. You can't assume anything until you know for sure!
Here's the other part of this. When we're so understanding and supportive, we don't like to rock the boat. We don't like to ask too many direct questions because we're so used to giving the benefit of the doubt. And so it's easy for us to be strung along precisely because he also knows this about us.
So he keeps you "just friends" for the record so he can avoid the responsibility of a real relationship, while he does all the things on your list that lead you to believe you've got the full relationship, just without the label.
Calleigh, this guy is using you, playing you, keeping you hanging on.
Honestly, this guy is the last person someone with your heart and personality should ever be with in any kind of relationship. I've just seen this too often and helped devastated and heartbroken women through it too many times to give you any reason to hope for anything different with him.
He's working this, whether he admits it to himself or not. It solely benefits him, not you, not this other woman, and not someone else he might find himself interested in next telling her the same stories and treating her the same way he's treating you because he can.
Where do you from here? What do you do now?
I don't see any way for you to continue to have anything to do with him, Calleigh. You can't trust anything he says and without trust there's no friendship, no relationship, nothing. There's no path forward with someone like this who STILL - by his continuing to talk about her! - doesn't see what's he done to you.
You can read what I say here about getting over someone. That's the next step.
Most important is that you don't take this personally. This is who HE is and what works from him. This isn't about you.
It isn't about you being too understanding or too supportive or too much of anything else; it's about possessing these beautiful qualities while being with someone who couldn't show you any more clearly that he isn't anyone who should ever be in your life, whether as a friend or something more.
You're not here to have someone take advantage of your goodness and kindness and generosity of spirit like this. You're here to be loved by someone who doesn't exploit the essence of who you are like this, but someone who gives back to you with his own set of similar qualities; not someone who selfishly exploits them for his own purposes!
I hope my clarity and perspective help you better come to terms with this, Calleigh.
The more you understand - the more you see why this dynamic worked so well for him - the less painful it becomes. Really, it does.
Right now the best thing you can do is surround yourself with as much love from the people in your life who love you for every one of the qualities he took advantage of in you. Not another guy, but true actual friends who can support you through this heartbreak. He doesn't deserve even another thought from you!
I'll be thinking of you.
Love,
Jane
Heartbreaking, isn't it? I know you've got something to say to Calleigh, too. Tell her in the comments below!
Calleigh I know what you are going through as I am going through the same thing and often wonder why? Why am I not good enough for someone to want me? Stay strong and true to yourself. Don't take being the second choice or only when it's good for him. You deserve to be his first choice the one he does everything to be with and not the other way around.
I too have fallen into this kind of relationship, except, where I thought it was going to be "Friends with Benefits," but it's now, "Friends with No Benefits!" How u say can that be? Well let me just begin & you'll see it's your story; My husband of 34 yrs. Pasted May 5, 2017! HEARTBREAK! More like DEVASTATION! 3 mths later a friend called! Well long story short, the first 3-4 mths he helped me by being there, his wife died the yr before, I had forgotten! She was beautiful inside & out, real, true people! I felt so bad cuz I was just ranting about him not showing up for my man's "Celebration of Life!"
After I that, we both talked & listened to each other! Time went by & b-4 u knew it 3-4 in the morning rolled by, both of us having to work!.... After awhile we couldn't wait to c each other even butterflies in the stomach! 3-4 mths so awesome! Sex wasn't even apart of our relationship! Then I have no idea what happened! He started talking about his friend more & more! I listened, then I listened closer & then I realized his heart wasn't there with me! I've tried to pretend I don't care! All I can think of is him! I don't know why! So I've been working on just me, it's harder than ever! All these love guru's telling u this & that! Well, I guess I really can't tell u anything except love yourself first & when your not looking the person of your dreams will b there! At least that's what they say! I'm in the exact place u r now! Let's c how beautiful we r & then we won't care about what others think!
Hi Calleigh,
and all the other ladies who have been through this.
My story involves mixed messages. My boyfriend and someone I thought I’d always be friends with, after 18 months suddenly told me he didn’t love me enough to keep seeing me and move in together and wanted to see other people. I said I wouldn’t try to convince him this time because he was always only half in so we broke up. He said he didn’t want to be friends but we continued to message and talk occasionally, mostly instigated by me. I was heartbroken as we had moved to a new town together and I lost my job at the same time. He did it just when I needed him.
Lately we had been talking more and it was him calling me. I knew through friends he had been seeing someone but it hadn’t worked out and I had been too. He was trying to find out if I was still seeing someone (I wasn’t and I didn’t tell him anything ) I felt like he was going to ask me for advice and I didn’t want to go there with him. It still hurts too much. So we chatted about other things and I asked if he wanted to catch up. He said he can’t or not yet and I realised that he just wants to keep me there as a support. Not even a real friendship. So I pulled the plug once and for all and said if he can’t see me and be a true friend then don’t bother. I need to protect my heart. It’s been a long process for me and hard to let go. It’s a small town and I’ve seen him out and about with other women. He’s just selfish and doesn’t think about how hard it was for me. My uncle died too just a few days after we broke up. He wasn’t there for me and I won’t be there for him either. He’s not worth it.
Take care of yourself, it will become clearer with time.
Sarah
Sarah,
So sorry that you've been hurt in so many ways. You are strong and this took a lot of courage and strength.
Seems you've done what is best for you and letting go of this man will allow you to start healing all around. You're right- he's not worth it. You tried and gave so much and got nothing back.
I admire your strength. I'm sorry for your family losses. Time for you to focus on you and what you need.
Hi Calleigh,
I haven't posted on here for a long time, but something about the way you wrote, so compassionately about someone who is treating you so badly reminded me of myself a few years ago.
A few years ago I was here all the time. I was in a 'relationship' with an older man that was so painful it was indescribable. I felt I was in love with him but it hurt so much. He kept me a secret, introduced me to nobody, wouldn't even be Facebook friends. He was always too busy to see me (if I wanted to see him he would need to check his diary and get back to me) but around 11pm every night he would call me and we would talk and laugh for hours.
He would have BBQs for friends, go out with female friends for walks, coffee, dinner, live the life he wanted but I was never invited. I was Miss 11pm Phone Call.
It's only after I left him and quite quickly met a wonderful man who I have a very real relationship with that I could clearly see what was going on before. All my friends could see it, but I carried on justifying what he was doing. I kept making excuses for him, not just to my friends, but to myself. I knew I didn't want to be in that sort of a relationship - in pain all the time but I hung on hoping things would change. He told me things would change. In fact he told me lots of things, lots of very sad reasons why he would love things to be different with us too but they couldn't be. I thought he was suffering too but funnily enough, the nights he had his BBQs or was out for dinner or away with someone else he didn't call.
It took me about 5 attempts to leave him. I managed it each time but he would talk me back with absolute promises that things would change although they never did.
I feel for you as I know how hard it is to hear that the person you love knows what he's doing. He knows he's hurting you and he's continuing. He's continuing partly because you're allowing him to by being kind, compassionate and understanding.
You need to ask yourself if this is what you want because this is all he's offering. If you don't want this then, when you're ready, take a deep breath and leave.
He will probably chase you back. You've been loving and supportive in his life for years, it's very likely he will. I would say don't ever go back, no matter what he says or does.
I hope this helps. Thinking of you, Calleigh...
Oh my goodness I cant believe that I experienced the exact same thing from the man I loved for 23 years. I was a fool he never loved me always had other women. I am finally getting over him by loving myself and by knowing that I deserve better because I am a good woman. So many of us settle for second best and we get hurt in the interim its very painful. Especially when he says he loves you as a sister after all these years and doesn't feel attracted to you sexually and also because he has medical issues and cant get it up so he makes it seem like you are the problem...this is the rejection I experienced. And he still thinks his indispensable and has women at his beck and call yet his useless in bed...just charming and through it all I still loved him...is this love?.No I dont think so.
I understand why this was such a shock, so heartbreaking to know he had been seeing another woman while treating you like a girlfriend. I had a mixed messages experience and it was one of the most confusing things I’ve been through. It made no sense to me, my heart was hurting and he would give me just enough to feed my hope and keep me waiting.
He’ll probably say something like ‘it was never my intention to hurt you’, he’ll remind you he said he just wanted to be friends and you agreed. What I’ve learned is that this is him not taking any responsibility for his actions (acting like it was a relationship), making it work for HIM so that he can get the benefits of relationship (support, companionship, emotional intimacy) without the compromise from him that a relationship requires.
It’s very telling that he’d been seeing someone for a year before mentioning it. I bet he knew on some level that he wasn’t doing the right thing by you and he’d lose you when you knew he was seeing someone. It was all him, getting his needs met. It’s really selfish, regardless of what’s going on with his family.
I too am a kind and understanding person. But I was making excuses fir him. When I decided to stop making excuses, call him out when my boundaries had been crossed we fell apart. Turn that kindness and understanding on you. Choose you. It will be hard but if you can break all contact and focus on healing you. You can’t rely on him to do the right thing by you. He’ll just continue giving you mixed messages if you give him the opportunity to do so 💜
Wow!! This brought tears to my eyes. Everything you responded Jane I felt was for me. I understand the pain, the thought of being used by someone I thought loved me. My “Abuser” and that’s what I’m going to call him because that’s what it feels like, has recently blocked me from all forms of communication all because I asked him what he did today. Every day we had been going back and forth with morning and night time greetings. Just a quick “Good Morning” and a quick “Good Night” and an occasional “Hope you’re having a good day” only from my end. He never asked me how my day was going. Anyway, so just a few days ago when I asked what he did that day he responded negatively and days later he blocks me. My heart which was already broken into pieces just shattered completely. I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment after all these 9 years. I’m very fortunate to have family, a very good friend, my faith and now this venue as my support system. Last night I was meditating and I thought how I would be emotionally otherwise if I didn’t have my support system. I’d be lost, devastated and it would probably wreak even more havoc on my health. This hasn’t been easy for me to deal with. It’s been the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life because I thought he was my soulmate. I’m just taking each day as it comes and trying to get him off my mind by remembering all the crap he has put me through and how his indifference made me feel. NO ONE deserves to be treated like that!! God made us to be better and we ALL deserve better. We deserve to be happy whether single or in a relationship. I know what I want in a relationship and I will NEVER again settle for anything less.
Ah yes. I remember being in this place years ago. I still remember how confused I was when really, there's nothing confusing about it. Jane already summed it up perfectly. He's just using you. That's all. I'm so sorry, Calleigh you're hurting so much. It really hurts. What worked for me was going through the pain, cutting things off and removing that person from my life and getting clearer on what I want in the future. There's nothing wrong in being clear from the beginning, asking questions and making sure you're on the same page before investing and of course, observing his behavior and getting in touch with your own needs and feelings. My guess is you didn't ask directly for clarity because deep down you knew this guy would tell you he just wanted to be friends. You knew deep down he didn't want a relationship with you. You hung on hoping he'd change your mind the more you auditioned for the girlfriend role and the more you tried to prove how great you are. I know I did. Going forward, know this is a huge waste of time and you need to take better care of your heart and feelings.
I was in something like this just months ago. I, too, am trusting, giving and love with all my heart, but my situation became painfully obvious in the end exactly what his intentions were which was nothing. I had my aha moment when I realized something a friend had told me a while back about her wonderful relationship with her husband (she is widowed from him) that came to the forefront of my brain as I was trying to figure out what to do. She said to me that a man who truly loves you will SHOW you his love in many ways. He always showed her he loved her and she never questioned his love not even one time before he unexpectedly died. So, I looked at my situation, saw that he was telling me he loved me, but still running around with other women. I told him it was over and unfriended him from Facebook. I was strong and thought he can tell me he loves me all he wants and if he cares, he will be back for me pleading to have me. Do you know what happened? He never came back and I will never stay long enough with someone the next time around if he can't SHOW me his love because actions speak way louder than any words can. I finally chose me and woke up because the love I found for myself and in myself has been the biggest gift I could have given myself. Onto the next, but this time with boundaries in place and self respect by my side.
Hi Calleigh,
Reading your story I felt I was reading my own story. I was with someone that I cared about very much but I never saw the true side of him until I heard myself talking to my friends about how I was feeling hurt with his actions. I found he was involved with someone else he knew & considered as a friend for a long time. He was stringing us both along. When things were not going his way with me he would connect more with her & the same vice versa with her. When he was with me he made me feel I was his world & nothing else mattered. When I found he was more than friends with this other woman I had so many different emotions going on inside me. I was angry but didn't want to lose what we had. I was sad bc I really thought I was his world & found out I wasn't. I was lost bc I wasn't sure what to do. I decided I needed to walk away from him & as the saying goes "let them go & if they don't come back it was not meant to be" He still tried to hang on to both of us but I decided to stay closer to my family & friends & keep my mind off of him. Eventually he stayed away but not without trying to take full control of the our relationship. I struggled with my heart & mind over him for a long time but with prayers & the love from all my loved ones I was able to move on past him. I know you can do this as well. Allow family & friends to be there for you when your at your weakest. Looking from outside the box they see alot more of whats going on between two people than the couple can see. Don't let him control your heart, you control it with your mind. I hope my words helped in any way & know your not alone in this type of situation. Really listen to your loved ones & let them help you onto the right path. Stay Strong Calleigh & Best Wishes.
Please let this guy go. It's not easy I know. I married the guy I was with even after seeing all the red flags. There is someone else for you, dont accept less than you deserve. I've been divorced for over 5 months now. It hasn't been easy emotionally but I know I deserve better. Prayers for you! I have had friends and family praying for me. ❤&🙏
Calleigh, YOU are a beautiful woman run away from that man as fast as you can!!! Don't accept calls or texts at all from him. Go out and have fun with your girls ,take care of you, treat yourself with kindness. Love who you are forget he ever existed! You are enough without any man. God has a purpose for your life!
I was in a similar situation like this two months ago, but I have to love myself and move on with my life. Is not easy letting go all the feelings and memory but trust me u can do it, let him go completely u deserve the best.
Calleigh,
I so sorry this happened to you. What an awful situation! I will never understand how they can treat you like a girlfriend and then label it "friendship". I'm pretty sure he is not having romantic dinners, sex etc with his guy-friends, right? And then your guy has the nerves to complain about another woman to YOU!!?
He knows exactly what he's doing because no one in his right mind would behave like this, not towards the person you love, your friends or your potential dates. He is also playing the other woman. Does he want the two of you to compete over his sorry ass? I hope you won't give him the satisfaction.
He is stringing you along with really bad excuses, as you can now clearly see from the fact that he found the time to date another woman parallel to you - that's where his resources go and that's why he didn't want to commit. (You might want to get tested for STDs though.. )
Tell him to f*ck off and don't fall for any of his excuses or promises. He has had enough time to work on becoming the partner that you deserve and instead he decided to friendzone you, reap the benefits AND shag another poor and clueless woman.
If he suddenly wants to be your official boyfriend now that you're telling him to beat it, you should ask yourself if he deserves any more chances (the answer is NOPE). He would either be so passive-aggressive to you that you "forced" him to commit against his will or he will cheat on you.
He sounds like he is lacking basic human decency and you should not waste another minute on this moron.
Right on!!!! “Moron” is lightly labeling this Narcissistic piece of 💩
I understand your pain! I'm in a similar situation myself.
I'm in that type of relationship now. He just said to me last evening that it will probably take him a year to fall in love with me. He's coming over today to put my air conditioner 8n so I'll be able to get some relief from this heat. I'm making a Pot Roast dinner for us this evening. He likes to drink beer a little too much. He always says he's done but that only lasts for a couple of days. I can now tell when he's been drinking because he wants me to be with him. The other night my church had a fellowship get together at one of our parks and everybody followed the procedures put in place by our Governor. He called me just as I arrived home and accused me of sleeping with somebody else, even though I messaged him and told him what I was doing. That hurt!!! I told him yesterday about what he said to me and he didn't even remember saying any of the things to me. He wants to keep our relationship private just between him and I. I have developed a relationship with his mom and we talk every time that I'm over at his house. His Blue Pit loves me to death. So that's where I'm at.
Debra-
It sounds like this man is a real alcoholic, even to the points of memory lapses. He wants to keep your relationship private? Why? There are so many warning signs here. You seem to have so much kindness within you- I would let this guy go and find someone to appreciate you and treat you as you deserve to be- with respect. This can only bring you more pain the longer it goes on. He needs help with his drinking problem.
So sorry you are going through this.
Don’t open up to his mom about him!! She may be nice to you but as soon as you say something about her kid she will turn on you!! Blood is thicker than water. I made the mistake of confiding in my “Abuser’s” mother and she changed on me. I thought she could give me some good woman to woman advice and boy was I wrong!
Yes exactly, and his mom is partly responsible for the kind of person he is today, so I highly doubt that she is a good resource for advice.
"it will probably take him a year to fall in love with me" - what the hell does that mean? Does he know the exact date and time already, too? I can't remember ever falling in love on a schedule, do you? Either he loves you NOW (and independently from his beer intake) or he better waste someone else's time..