Have you ever had a guy tell you how amazing you are, only to leave you brokenhearted? You're not alone. Beautiful Shaye shares her experience with a certain type of guy I think most of us have run into at least once.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I’m 21, and consider myself very different. I graduated in 2.5 years with a chemistry degree, I’m headed to med school, I don’t drink.
Well I met a guy at the end of March on Bumble, who acted completely in awe of me every. single. day. He told me he had been in a bad wreck and it completely changed his mentality, and was glad I didn’t know who he was before the accident.
I was hoping he was different than other college guys.
I was a bit uncomfortable with his new frat, and sometimes the drinking. He said I completed him and I was all he ever wanted. Seems pretty soon to say that, but okay.
He had a note in his phone about things I liked, because he “wanted to remember everything about me.” Well we decided to quarantine for two weeks, so we could hang out.
We did!
It went well, little different than our FaceTime 6 hour marathons but nice none the less. He drove me through rich neighborhoods and said, “we could live here one day, since we’ll be together forever.”
After, he told me he told his parents he really liked me. But, he started acting colder.
He was on Snapchat, but wouldn’t text me back, stopped using pet names, and just told me it was because he was busy. I called him about it, and he denied anything was wrong, nothing had changed.
Couple days later, same thing is happening and he says he will work on it. I get a text that says “I am so sorry for what I have done to your emotions, can we FaceTime? You’re the most amazing person I know and I don’t want to jeopardize us.”
I responded coldly, “Okay but it’s a full count in the bottom of the ninth, and there’s already two outs.” He responded that he would hit a grand slam.
We FaceTime and he immediately tells me he’s not ready for a relationship, since he just got out on one.
Um, what? Where’d that come from?
I immediately said there has to be someone else. He denied it.
Told me that he hoped I could forgive him, and one day we could be friends and see where that goes. I said no, and asked him to delete my number, Snapchat, and twitter.
He begged me to not make him do that (odd) and that he hoped I changed my mind one day. I ended the conversation. That was March 8th.
Here we are, and I had noticed before a girl on his twitter, but I figured they went to school together and were friends. I looked yesterday and she’s like, "come over a**hole️" and she tweeted, “I hate men, even though I have one” and he replied “?”
That makes me suspicious, and I almost want to confront him or warn her at least. I am incredibly upset that someone who seemed to put so much effort into me or seemed to be in awe of me, could throw me aside for some random chick who looks nothing like me.
Please help, I was awake all night.
-Shaye
My Response:
Oh Shaye, if we added up all the nights we collectively lose sleep over men like these, the number would be astronomical!
Of course you're suspicious. Of course you want to confront him or worn her at the very least.
This guy says all the right things in the beginning when he's living in the fantasy mode of a relationship instead of reality. That's what happened here. That's what he did with you and that's what he's doing with her now.
We always make it about him throwing us aside, as if what he chooses to do with us is of any consequence when we're talking about a guy who's capable of treating us like this.
This isn't your guy, Shaye.
Everything he's been showing you when you first noticed things starting to change has been information for you to process about who he really is.
He doesn't want anyone to be mad at him. He wants to make sure everything's good. That's what's most important to him and that's really what he cares the most about. Why? Because this is about him, Shaye. It always is. You may be the impetus that reveals who he is but it's the reveal that matters more than anything else right now and shows you the real picture - not the idea of him he's trying to create for you.
Go back to when he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship because he just got out of one. That was his truth and that's where he is and that's why you can expect to see more, not less of the new behaviors you're now seeing from him.
Because it's so much easier to flirt with a fantasy than commit to reality.
You can do this, Shaye. He's renting space in your head that he's not paying for, and you have all the power within you to stop it. He's not actually sorry for what he's done to your emotions. He's sorry you revealed him for who he really is!
I hope this helps give you some perspective because I've seen this so many times. You've got so much to offer and you're going to meet so many other men who will be ready for a real relationship, who will be on the same page as you, and who won't ever leave you awake all night trying to figure out what's going on. That last part - the laying awake all night trying to make sense of it all in your head? That's precisely how you'll know!
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous - do you have any words of wisdom, advice or encouragement (or stories of similar experiences) to share with Shaye? Tell her in the comments below - she needs to hear from you!
Hi Shaye,
I feel your pain. I've been there and I understand how you feel. I'm so proud of you for putting a stop to this child in a men's body...that is what he is, really.
You are a beautiful, smart and strong young woman. You were able to see the red flags and did something about it. Most women, including me, wasted years in situations which we so called relationships that were not healthy relationships ignoring the signs because we didn't want to let go of the fantasy that we had someone that wanted us, even though it wasn't true love just lust.
I have learned from listening to wise counsel that , we should be quick to listen, we will learn a lot about a person if we listen. Slow to speak, do not tell a men everything about you or what you've been through until you really get to know this person. He might use your own weakness against you if he is not an honest man. And last, slow to anger. Once you know what type of person he is, which he will tell you, if you are listening which you did, then he have to let him go, cut the communication off completely like pulling out a bad weed from your beautiful garden from the roots. And do not worry about why or what you can do to fix this. Just let it go. You will be so much happier focused on yourself and doing what you live to do. True love will come to you, you don't have to look for it. We all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it.
I wish you the best.
You are strong and courageous.
Sincerely,
Pilar
I can relate... my long distance boyfriend of nearly four years did the same to me. It was all “ you’re everything I’ve dreamed of” and planning our future... where we’d live, vacation, what we’d grow in our garden, etc and then as he started to reassemble his family (after they’d all moved away when he divorced) and he no longer needed my company or support (because he now has all his adult children, their spouses and his 5 grandchildren living with him on his property) he suddenly “doesn’t want the pressure of a relationship” and he “doesn’t like being forced into a commitment “ and his kids are grown and “he just wants to live his life the way he wants”. YES!! He said those things to me!!! When all along he made me believe we were together forever material. I was planning on taking an early retirement from my job here so I could move to be with him, do contract work there and be together. As soon as I started to look towards how we could make that happen, he tossed me aside like a bag of trash It completely gutted me. But I’ve come to realize that this is about him... not me. He’s one f#*#ed up guy who will never be able to commit to a woman... he never committed to his wife (was a chronic cheater) and he couldn’t commit to me... and honey??!!! I was an amazing girlfriend!! And I’ll be an amazing partner to someone else again... only next time they’ll be worthy of me. Live, learn...and move on stronger and wiser
Yes, something is going on with them. He's not your guy. I too met someone I was interested in....he's not my guy. He's I consistently does not bring me happiness.
It's tough, but next😘
His inconsistency....
Wow, sounds just what I went through the past 4 weeks. Almost word for word of the same storyline. Crazy, right. He too was in a serious accident that left him in a completely different mind frame.
March 8th, he went back to the ex girlfriend and it lasted 5 weeks before it ended for the second time. I did not know he just came out of a relationship with her.
Fast forward, April 19th, we start talking and hanging out. Saying same things, meet his parents on Mother’s Day. He has been in contact with her the whole 4 weeks. This past weekend, I felt a shift and things starting to change. He left my place and sent text about 7 hours later that we had things to talk about and our future.
Once again, he brings up my spiritual beliefs and his religious beliefs and how he isn’t ever going to be on the same page with me. He thinks my yoga and meditation Practice is demonic in nature. He did this after meeting him the first time from bumble as well. He knew what I was about but after that relationship ended, he must of said why not hangout with her. Frustrating for me!
I am about love, compassion and peace. My spiritual growth has brought me to this point. He isn’t willing to open up and experience someone else’s spiritual journey. He is way to close minded for me to deal with. I have never and will never bring negative energy into my space.
I have learned the lesson here, letting go and moving forward. I don’t lose sleep over him or the situation. He isn’t for me and the man I need by my side. I need a man that isn’t afraid to see the bigger picture of life. People come into our lives to help us grow spiritual. If that person is holding us back from evolving, then it’s a quick lesson and time to move forward from the relationship. No one completes us, we have all we need within us. You are worthy of the right relationship!