player

How To Spot A Player - Every. Single. Time.

Happy young man and woman in a car enjoying a road trip on a summer day. Couple out on a drive in a open car. — He gives you the impression he could choose any woman in the world…but he’s chosen you.

I used to be so good at this. So good, that I could spot him a mile away.

That look. That walk. That talk. That other part.

Unfortunately, I was also especially good at running towards him, instead of in the opposite direction.

The fastest way to crossing paths with Mr. Right is recognizing Mr. Wrong and getting yourself out of there, pronto. As in - as soon as you can tell the difference. We waste so much time and energy trying to make someone into Mr. Right, that just knowing what you're looking for – and what you're NOT looking for - can make all the difference.

How will you know? It’s not him. It’s you.

You won’t be able to resist him. You won’t want to slow it down. You won’t be able to help yourself.

He’s charming. He’s irresistible. He comes on strong. He’s got an unmistakable confidence to him with just a hint of vulnerability that only you can see sprinkled in. He gives you the impression he could choose any woman in the world … but he’s chosen you.

Sound familiar?Continue Reading

Is He Just a Player?

19 Comments

Woman upset at her crush with other girl on a sunny day — I really feel like I was played.

This week, I'm answering a letter from one of our gorgeous readers, who has chosen to call herself "Pieces of Me" (which I've shortened to Pieces). She feels like the guy she's been with for 6 years has only been playing her, with no intention of any real commitment.

Here's her story:

Jane, why is it so hard for me to let this guy go? Clearly he has moved on with his life... :((

This has been an on again off again somewhat relationship for the past 6 years. We met on a social dating site and the way he pursued me caught my attention because he seemed confident and consistent.

Soon after we officially met in person we instantly hit it off, but shortly after we became "official" the communication began to dwindle. I would bring it to his attention and because of our work schedules and me having kids it began to make it hard.

He never took me out all we ever did was hang out at his house, he always had an issue with money and he didn't have a car but I understood and really didn't make a big deal out of it, but after a while I began to feel insecure like did he really love me the way he said he did? Was he ashamed to be seen with me in public?Continue Reading

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

17 Comments

One of our beautiful readers recently made an observation about how I tend to talk more about letting go and getting out of a relationship that isn't working than I do about working harder to make it work. She made a very good point, and it really got me thinking.

It's very true. I do.

But there’s a reason.

It’s because staying in a bad relationship and trying to make it work is an area where most of us don't need any encouragement. We are some of the hardest working, most well-intentioned fighters to keep any relationship going. We'll just keep on trying to row that boat up a waterfall even though we're the only ones doing any of the paddling.

We're oh so understanding, hopeful and so, so optimistic. We always believe we can make him love us.

And that’s exactly why we’re hurting and having our hearts broken all too much of the time.

You’re the first to say, “We can work it out”. You’re the first to stay and try to prove just how much your relationship is worth fighting for.

Your willingness to do this is not the problem.

It’s who you’re choosing to stay and work it out with that’s causing the concern.

It’s who you're refusing to give up on that’s the problem.

I agree that relationships take some effort, and if you're with a guy that's making an effort, even if he might be falling short in some areas, then it's worth the effort on your part as well. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping him just because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink or his smelly socks on the floor, or that he'd rather be watching the ball game when you want to go antiquing. These kinds of things can be worked out.

But these aren't the kinds of stories that I'm hearing.

I'm hearing about the guy who's treating you like an option, a convenience. Somebody to see when there's nothing better going on. The guy who disappears for days or weeks only to re-appear and act like nothing happened. The kind of guy that's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. I'm hearing about the crumbs.

The kind of guy where you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve better.

You see, our compass is typically off on this one. We don’t know how to tell the difference between who’s worth it and who isn't.

In fact, most of us have got it backwards.

You give up too soon on the nice guy; the one who you should be staying around longer to give him more of a chance. But you refuse to give up on the player who’s only wasting more of your time while you're trying to prove to him that you’re the one who’s worth it, when that’s what he should be doing with you!

I know because I did it too.

It’s time to figure out the difference. It’s time to awaken to the point of all this. To give the nice guy a chance and let the other ones go.

Learn how to spot the real keepers.

Because if you can learn to tell the difference, you’re well on your way to finding a healthy, happy relationship.

One that really is worth fighting for.

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

22 Comments

I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.

It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.

And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.

We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.

So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.

The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:

The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.

This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.

No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.

No wonder he was the only guy who would do!

No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!

I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:

Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?

I didn't sign up for this.

And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:

I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.

What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).

It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.

If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.

It was that simple!

But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.

I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.

I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.

I believed it all.

Now I know the truth.

This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.

This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!

You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.

You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!

And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.

You deserve so much more than this.