Did I Push It Too Far Playing Hard to Get?

Ever wondered if you can play too hard to get - and actually lose an opportunity to get someone at all?  Well, that's Jessica's question on the blog this week.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I am so confused by this guy right now.

I would like to say he is not interested but I feel like that isn't 100 percent the case.

This guy is a player and I knew this, we met at a friends BBQ and he was pursuing me for weeks asking to see me (not to take me out but inviting me over to his house).  He was messaging me every day and asking me questions like 'how is your day going' etc. so I felt like he wasn't just after one thing.

Anyway I went to his house and we watched a few movies, we got on so well and could not stop laughing. I knew he was into me. He tried to have sex with me but I said no as I do not sleep around.

I left the house and when I got home he had already messaged me to say did you get home OK and asking when he can see me again. I probably pushed it trying to play hard to get as I said 'I will let you know tomorrow, night'.

I didn't let him know the next day and the day after he messaged me again asking how I was but he didn't bring up seeing me. He then messaged me a week ago today asking how I was and I said to him let me know when you are free to meet up, to which he said 'will do'.

I then saw the next day he was having a small operation to which I said 'let me know how it goes' and he said 'will do'.  I haven't heard anything since and this was a week ago yet he is posting stuff so I know he is fine.

It has been three weeks since we saw each-other. I am just so confused what I did here, did I push it too far playing hard to get? I am now not sure if I will hear from him again?!

I am just finding it hard to let this one go as I really liked him and find it hard to find someone I like.

- Jessica

My Response:

No, you didn't push it too far, Jessica.

I've seen this exact same scenario so many times both personally and with the women I work with. Instead of looking at why some guy doesn't have the guts to pursue us, to chase us, to go after what he wants, we turn his lack of motivation all on us, blaming ourselves for not being clear enough.

You said this guy was a player. You knew this before you went out with him. And how he behaved here is exactly like a player - or at least someone who isn't interested in a real relationship - behaves.

You know why he never asked you out again or followed up on his original request? Not because he's shy - a guy who's asking you out to his place and not on a real date isn't just shy - but because you already turned him down for sex and because you told him straight out that you don't sleep around. That's why he didn't follow up - he's already moved on looking for an easier conquest.

That's what's going on here.

Real men who want a real relationship with a real woman who has a life of her own don't give up that easily.

It's men like the one you're talking about here who exhibit behavior like this, who are far more into the chase - the fantasy of a relationship - and the conquest than the real part where they actually have to have some substance to them beyond doing the bare minimum to get you over to their house in the hopes of getting you to sleep with them.

You did exactly the right thing!

This is the guy who never asked you out on an actual date, but only to his place. This is a guy who obviously had a reputation that you were paying attention to, but now, because it's so hard to find someone you actually like, you've decided you should have been different than your intuition told you to be.

I've seen this enough to know that what's happened is he's moved on to easier pastures. He's not looking for someone who he actually needs to win over, or prove himself worthy before you give yourself over to him.

Consider yourself lucky, Jessica.

And thank your intuition. Sure you could have given him your availability and set up a date right then and there, but what then? You'd only have drawn this out to the same ending.

He was looking for sex. He wasn't looking for a relationship. Go back to what you know. He was asking you to his place, not out on an actual date. You knew him as a player; there was obviously a reason why.

See, contrary to what the movies and our romance novels and generally our entire pop culture tell us, we don't change these guys. Not even this guy.

If he was ready, you'd hear from him. If he was on the same page, he'd be pursuing you. He wouldn't let the fact that you couldn't give him an answer right away stop him from wanting to get to know you better to see where things might go.

He'd recognize you had a life and things going on in that life that aren't so insiginificant that you're ready to drop everything for a guy who's only invited you to his place, tried to have sex with you on the first "date" and had some laughs with along the way.

To a guy who's actually looking for a real relationship, meeting a woman like you would make him want to try harder, not pull back like he's done. You've shown you're still open to going out again if he'd actually ask you. You've shown you're a caring, compassionate woman by expressing some concern for him and at the very least, contacting him.

Let it go, Jessica. Let him go.

If he was worth something, he'd be giving you more than dead air to prove that to you. Look instead to why it's this kind of guy who's the rare kind who you're actually attracted to!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Who of us haven't been here?! I'm sure you've got something to say to Jessica. Let her know your thoughts or words of advice and encouragement in the comments below.