Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful readers, Victoria. She's asking for some advice on the heartbreak she's experiencing over someone who's clearly still looking in the rear-view mirror for his ex. Her sister's about to be at her wits' end listening to her (haven't we all had family members like that!), so she's hoping to get some fresh advice on here.
This is her story ...
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your comments about unavailable men and us thinking they are with us when in fact they are somewhere else. I just wanted some unbiased advice as I think my sister will be fed up of me shortly and I'm on an emotional roller coaster often ending up in tears.
I have been divorced for a long time, found it difficult to get over my husband leaving so threw myself into guarding my heart to make sure it wasn't broken again and raising my child.
I was introduced by friends 8 months ago to a lovely man who I thought was perfect for me.
We had so much in common - same interests and morals. We started seeing each other on the weekend only but from the very first time we met he communicated mainly by Whatsapp or text. Being out of the dating game for a while I wasn't too comfortable with that but thought perhaps it was the norm.
We saw each other on the weekend for 1 day and sometimes once per week but to suit him which initially was fine as he worked away most of the week. On our 4th date he mentioned a woman a couple of times, not his ex-wife so I asked who she was and turns out she was his previous partner from a very long relationship.
He told me his story about their breakup, said he thought I was amazing and felt we could have a future but could we take it slow which was fine by me.
As time went on she got mentioned more and more - he even texted her on her birthday when I was with him and then told me (she has no contact whatsoever) and he often would withdraw so I wouldn't hear from him much - he would say he was hurting which meant he was upset over her. He would reminisce about places they had been even though I asked him not too.
All sounds bad but it wasn't - I really liked him and saw a future - he often mentioned stuff we should do which didn't happen. I started to feel like he felt he had done his bit taking me out then we would go back to his for a drink and a kiss etc., and I would get a taxi home and that's my duty done for another week.
We had some lovely and fun times too, but she always got mentioned.
The crunch came when after a night out he asked me to stay over the following week for the first time - a big step and the next step in our relationship. Especially massive for me as there had never been anyone but my husband.
I agreed as it felt right, then halfway through the week in a telephone call he mentioned we would have to change as he was going out with his best friend whose wife had gone away. So we went out on the following day nothing was mentioned, so I asked him what happened and whether he changed his mind he said he didn't. It wasn't mentioned again.
When he picked me up that day, he said he almost cancelled as he had a sore throat but thought it best not to so we said we would stay local just in case. He seemed to be ok. We went to his place later after our day out and a bit later he just walked into the room and started dithering, but I felt like it was an act and it wasn't true.
I said I would go early if he didn't feel right but he asked me to stay to watch a the end of a show we had followed so I thought all was okay.
The following day he asked me to print something out. I said I would drop it off on my way home so took that and some cold and flu remedy and he wasn't there - he said he had called at some friends! He wasn't as attentive, kept in touch less (I know he isn't a cheater so ruled that out).
I used to get good morning and good night texts which stopped, and sexy suggestive ones. None of which happened, and which stopped too. It was like he was a different man when we met and not like the man on the text.
We would have some lovely times ruined by reference to the ex or times they had. In the final few weeks he became less tactile and attentive and more withdrawn and she got mentioned more and more. I felt he was making excuses to drop me home rather than go to his.
The final thing, he texted me early to say he hurt his knee but kept going on about it as if trying to convince me. So I rang him and asked what was going on he said he couldn't give me the relationship I wanted.
I asked what do we do?
He said we carry on and see what happens. Something clicked and I said he couldn't treat me that way so I suggested we end it and he agreed. Now I can't get over whether I did the right thing or acted in haste.
We met 3 weeks later for a drink only for him to tell me he felt the same and wasn't over his ex. I asked why he therefore agreed to meet up with me but he said he thought he was ok. I also asked the purpose of us meeting and he said he wanted to see me but nothing had changed.
But he asked if we could we be friends and stay in touch as it is rare for two people to have so much in common and we could meet up and go out!!!
I had my say even mentioning we were getting tickets to a show the week of my birthday but oops he didn't know that as he never asked when it was but I knew his ex's birthday, and come to think of it he never really asked me much about me.
A friend sent me a picture 3 days later of the friends who introduced him to me obviously introducing him to someone else. I don't think anything continued though.
So why do I feel so bad? Did I do the right think in ending it?
It is eating away at me as perhaps I should have continued longer until he pulled himself together but I can't be second best. I am so confused and can't believe my heart is broken again after taking so long to fix and guard it.
We have been in touch by text tonight after he posted something he had of mine through the door and again he said he was in a dark place but didn't even ask about me. Did I do the right thing or did I miss the chance of being with a lovely man I glimpsed sometimes?
After doing some digging I found he was only 2.5 months out of a breakup of an 11 year relationship. I assume he wasn't ready so why meet me and hurt me?
I know this has been a bit long story but I wanted to give you an idea of what it has been like so you can advise me. I need to try to pull myself together.
Thank you.
-Victoria
My response:
Oh, these glimpses. They do so much more damage than if there was nothing but the reality check of who someone really is.
It's those glimpses that keep us hoping, keep us believing, wasting more time than we ever have. If we could all just remember that a glimpse - even if there's more than one - is never, ever enough.
You know you did the right thing, Victoria. You knew he wasn't ready.
He wasn't asking about you. It was all about her. Her birthday, not yours. He could talk at length about those dark places he found himself in and you undoubtedly provided him with the light he was looking for.
No, I don't think he did it deliberately, I think he couldn't help himself and found such a loving, caring, understanding, compassionate heart in you.
He found in you a place where he could try to get over her, but you're absolutely right - he's still pining for her.
He needs a therapist to talk to, not you.
His friends mean well, they're trying to help him move on. But someone only moves on when they're actually ready to face the reality of what they have in front of them or what they don't, not as long as they're living in the past
You had one choice here.
Either you had to be okay being in a relationship with him, his ex and you, or you had to let him go.
"Carry on and see what happens" isn't an invitation to a relationship with any real basis. It's "let's just keep doing what we're doing and see if I ever feel like doing more." It's "wait for me and maybe I'll eventually catch up with you."
It's the opposite of secure and committed. It's what our anxiety feeds on even for the most confident and secure among us. It's why we find ourselves anxious and wondering why.
You made the only choice you could have without compromising yourself. Don't second-guess that. We always know!
I'm sure he's a nice guy. I'm sure those glimpses were real and gave you some real insight into his potential if he's ever able to get there.
But obviously, it wasn't enough for you, and it wouldn't be enough for me, and it wouldn't have been enough for anyone who regarded themselves with high esteem.
All is not lost; you let your guard down with someone who gave you reason to let your guard down and that's what we do if we're ever going to love again.
There are no guarantees, just a lot of signs we can be on the lookout for but most of those come from learning about them the hard way. Asking someone early on how long it's been since they've been broken up with an ex they can't keep themselves from talking about, is helpful, too.
It sounds to me like you're having such a hard time getting over this because you're really upset with yourself. You had a great record. You were keeping yourself safe. And now, you feel like you blew it. Or at least, that's how your inner harshest critic views it.
You didn't though.
You behaved in true human fashion. We have to take a chance sometimes or else we're left regretting the other way, wondering what opportunity we might have missed by holding up in our strong houses, surrounded by walls, cut off from feeling. Safe, but missing out on more than we're keeping ourselves safe from.
You did the right thing.
Love,
Jane
P.S. On the subject of new dating norms, you set the norms. If you're not comfortable with texting or Whatsapp or whatever else the "norm" may be, ask for what you want instead. "Can you call me instead? I much prefer getting to know someone through a few words or on some app." It's okay if that ends it with some. The ones who matter will appreciate a woman who sets her own standard and doesn't have to go along with someone else's definition of normal.
How about you? What do you want to say to Victoria? She's you, she's me, she's all of us who've ever been there, wondering, barely saying it out loud "Did I do the right thing?" Come on over to the comments where you're in good company over there, and share your thoughts.
I reconnected with an old boyfriend in July 2019. We had an instant connection. We got on really well. We have so much in common it was scary. We had great conversation. He had a really bad marriage that ended in 2005. He met another woman who would just up and disappear. When I met him he was single. We saw each other a couple times a week and always had a good time. The trouble started 4 or so weeks in. We had sex. a week later he tells me that he thinks we are going to fast and we should not have had sex. Even though he is the one who initiated it. He tells me that he just got out of a long term relationship and has had no closure because she just up and walked away. I asked him then if he wanted to end it. He said he didn't. Fast forward to the end of October and he says he has been having anxiety and panic attacks and feels it is related to our relationship. He wanted to go to take some time to heal and I let him go. The last day I saw him it was very loving and we hugged each other and he of course said a lot of nice things. I hurt but I just felt that if he ever was going to be in it 100 % then it is better that he go work on himself. I was really hoping that is what he would do. I went no contact until his birthday November 17 2019 (almost 4 weeks later) I say happy birthday and asked if he wanted to get coffee. He said that would be nice but probably not a good idea. He was back talking to the (toxic) ex gf. That really hurt. I was upset but wished him well and said good by. I sent him some links that he wanted to read about relationships that were toxic. I told him that I was disappointed at his choice and was upset for his kids. She never wanted anything to do with his kids who live with him. Ugh... of course I was the understand smuck and now I am the heart broken understanding smuck . I have a good full life with friends and family and I do volunteer work for hospice in our city. So it is not like I am waiting around for him. I don't drive by his house, I don't text him, I am no contact again. I just feel really let down. I have a hard time looking at any man because there is just no chemistry. I continue to read and try to understand. He was nice enough to say 'you never know what will happen in the future' I told him that if I was still around and he sorted himself out, then I would consider him. In the mean time I am hurting and learning and trying to be good to me. I go to the gym regularly. I am 57 and he just turned 60 so this is not a young love.
Don't ever settle for someone who says "You never know what will happen in the future", Birdeegirl. You're worth so much more than that!
Well a little update. He has started texting me just little things at first about getting a new job then pics from his daughters wedding and then telling me a tv programme he knows I love is back on.
Then a couple of days ago he contacted me to tell me I was sexy and looked fab after seeing s photo of me. I told him he can't keep doing this as we are either on or off. No answer but next day contacted me again to say he hoped I had a good time and then again the following day about his job again!
The channels are open again but I'm so confused and emotional! Again!
What do I do now just ignore him again?
You're the only one who can cut the chord. The decision is in your hands. You can always block and delete, but are you fully resolved to move on? It seems you're still hanging on. It's really up to you. What he does or doesn't do is not for you to overthink. What matters is what you do. You're in control.
Thank you angel taking time to respond. He did contact me s few days after my last e mail on here as i wished him good luck starting his new job
His response? A strange inappropriate photo then a text saying thanks. It upset me and I replied say I g what a wierd thing to do. I haven't heard from him since.
I dont think he is the man i thought he was .
Another update. We got back together in October 2020 he ended up moving in with Me after selling his house before buying a pub but it didn't happen so I gave him to Jan 2022 and then he had to find his own place.
All was fine but i started to question his cleanliness and he started drinking at least 3 bottles of wine a night!! I spoke to him about both and was trying to sort it out and then I saw a wierd name and message come up on his phone but didn't look at it I was having a bad time with my mum being I'll and running around to the hospital then in December we got back from a party he was drunk again and dropped his phone so I looked up the code name thst had popped up and turns out he met someone in October when he went out for a drink and had been constantly texting her and let up with her and kissed her. I was devastated and threw him out. He kept coming back we kept crying and I told him I can't have him back as I can't trust him. I deleted him from my phone deleted our photos and blocked him. I am still devastated it's been 8 weeks and I miss him being there. I looked after him and he couldn't get better he admitted that to me said he wrecked his life . He has lost his home, job, lives in a travel lodge and now has a mediocre job. I feel so upset and stupid that he did this to me and I can't understand why. Has made me doubt myself. How can I be so stupid. I'm still upset but for the lovely man I thought he was and not the man he became
You're not alone in looking back on everything that happened, Victoria, wondering how it all ended up this way. It happens. We can't make it all better or save anyone who doesn't actually want to be saved. People live up to their own expectations and those roots can run so deep. Don't take this on. You tried and it's hard to force yourself to see in real time what can only be seen in hindsight. It's tragic and so sad. That you can't change. Find a way to make peace with what is, not what could have been. We can fill books about what could have been. The reality is who and what he was capable of and that's not on you.
Thank you Jane. I have finally got it straight in my head and I will not let him hurt me again. He keeps turning up and each time it's about his living situation and how he wrecked his life.
But no more I am done with him as he will never change.
Thank you
So glad you've got clarity, Victoria. I know how much it hurts.
It’s a horrible feeling constantly second guessing yourself because of the glimpses of the man you could have won if you had only been or done this or that intangible thing. There’s nothing more you could have done and walking away will do you more good in the long run and will protect your heart - it just feels bad for a while.
You may still be processing your divorce and it might be worth considering that you attracted a man who was ‘safe’ in a way. You may not yet be ready for a live, available relationship so soon after your divorce either. Often when this is the case, it’s the last thought on our mind but it might be to ask the question ‘why am I here’ when it comes to this man, not ‘why did he do this to me’. It’s all about you and the first step towards really living that was walking away from him and you already come this far. Big love to you, dating after divorce requires courage and you’re out there xx
Never second guess your self worth. You did the right thing. Relationships are hard enough. You give 100% while he gives less than his best. Competing with the memory of an ex is a losing battle. Be thrilled to know you are still capable of falling for someone. Your next guy may be the one.
Hey Doll, you did the right thing. Don’t second guess even for a bit. I know you’re hurting but it’s better to hurt at once and heal than hurting everyday with anxiety, insecurity, fear of losing and confused thoughts.
Now you can start healing and you’ve learned a lesson - I’ve been there too with a guy who had just split up from his wife... it NEVER ends well. Next time you know better and will not even talk with guys like that. Grieving takes time to be overcome.
Just be patient with yourself and take your time. You’ll be fine soon as it was not a long relationship. All you have to do is talking to yourself in a gentle manner and destroy that perfect image of him you’ve created in your mind. He’s not perfect for you or for anyone right now. There’s absolutely nothing you can say or do to change that... that’s his job.
Just know you did the only thing you could’ve done. Stop thinking that if you had given him more time things would be different... the only thing you would possibly get staying with him is more pain.
Move on and best of luck!
Just perfect, Marcia! Couldn't agree more.
Good Morning Victoria
You absolutely did the right thing. I to was in a very similar relationship. For 10 years this man I adored would tell me things out of a Hallmark movie. But then..his actions never followed his words. The hardest thing to do is to question whether we did the right thing or not. Wonderful women like Jane and so many others helped me realize that if a man really wants you..he's going to do whatever it takes to reach out to you. Being this was your first real "relationship" after your divorce I'm sure it was difficult to deal with the rejection. But it wasn't you he was rejecting. He is just not ready to move on from his previous relationship and ask yourself " don't you deserve to be #1 in a man's head and heart " ABSOLUTELY you do..we all do. Take your time. When you least expect it..he will be there when your not even looking. You sound like an amazing person..somewhere in this big world your Prince Charming is waiting. Listen to the song by Michael Bublee..." I Just Haven't Met You Yet" . It will make you smile and know you deserved much more than this guy had to offer. Now if I take my own advice..we'll all be good. THINK I'll listen to Michael Bublee' s song..lol...Blessings Victoria😗 Your beautiful and special and don't forget it. Real love is out there!
Thank you for the reply Jane and answering my query you made me feel so much better I just needed some validation that I did the right thing.
I'm getting there x