This week, beautiful Pauli writes to us about her new relationship that's moving along (at least physically) very quickly.
Here's her story:
Good Morning Jane!
I have watched your free video series, and it has helped lessen my relationship anxiety quite a bit already!!
I was very tempted to accept your half price offer on the next series however, I am in a fairly new relationship, and I am having trouble with how relevant the information may be to my current situation.
Having been married and divorced/separated twice, with both husbands stepping out of the marriage and into affairs, I have wondered on and off if it was something I was doing, but I have realized now, with your help, that these men were not the right ones for me.
So.... my questions so far are in regard to my "new" relationship.
We have been seeing each other for 2 months but he lives a fair distance away, so we have actually only spent 6 days together in person in that 2 months. He does text or call me on the phone every day.
We were brought together by mutual, long time friends who think we would make a great couple. We have a great chemistry, but I wonder if it's too good. I find myself wondering if what we have is mostly sexual in nature on his part.
I know that I feel like I can see us together in the future and want to make plans to see him more often, but I don't want to be needy either. How do I ask him how he feels, and what he wants without sounding like a stage 5 clinger? Do I just relax and see where things go at this point?
I don't know how to handle the beginning stages of a relationship, especially a long distance one.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying my free video series! So much of our behavior in relationships is dictated by the level of confidence we have in ourselves and the extent to which we actually believe WE’RE the ones doing the choosing.
This is such an important distinction to make, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
When you go into any relationship knowing exactly who you are and what you have to offer - and precisely what you’re worth, that comes through so clearly and sets the stage for how the rest of the relationship will go.
This foundational piece is so important, and that’s what I go into specific detail about in my signature program you mention, Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU.
I received a letter over the holidays about a woman who found her way here to the blog looking for a definitive answer to her own heart-wrenching question "How do I get him back?" And instead, she took this program and found that’s exactly what happened – HE was the one who came back to her - begging her to take HIM back.
But by then, she could see clearly who he was, who he wasn’t, and whether he was, in fact, a good fit FOR HER. And that’s my point here.
You have to first be in a position of knowing your own worth, especially in the light of someone you’re attracted to and feel so much sexual chemistry with, BEFORE you can be in the position that you want to be in – the one where you’re truly doing the choosing and not willing to accept someone else’s terms simply because of that incredible chemistry.
Beginnings are full of connections like this.
And when you become intimate because of that chemistry - and because he seems like he’s on the same page as you are - what you’re left with is exactly what you’re feeling now. You’re intimate but you don’t really know where he stands on commitment.
You know his sexual preferences before you know the rest of him.
To suggest you go back in time and redo this part where you really get to know him first, well, that never works, because by the time you’re here, you’re already here and you’ve passed the point of no return.
There is no going back!
But what there is, is slowing things down now. More than anything else, this is about your mindset.
Because if he’s the only one and you’re already feeling the way you are, you’re going to make him into more than he is, more than he deserves to be because he hasn’t yet had the time to show you he’s worthy of you!
It’s so important that you remember that you don’t know this man yet. Not really, not the way you need to know someone before you make up your own mind to commit to him. You want to know (no, you need to know) him better before you allow yourself to put him so high up on that pedestal that you can’t see anyone else other than him.
This mindset is the part we miss. And we all do because everything we’ve ever been told about relationships and getting a guy is that we have to act a certain way or be a certain way or follow a certain set of rules.
But it’s the opposite that’s true. If we do the inner work first of learning why.
Absolutely these men weren’t the right ones for you, Pauli, but knowing why they weren’t the ones, recognizing the dynamic that plays out between you and a guy from the very beginning of a relationship where most of our power is given away, matters more than anything else you do or don’t do.
Why do we put someone on a pedestal?
And why do we choose who we do? Why him? Focus your energy on that instead of looking for a prescribed set of rules to follow.
Two months is not a long time.
Seeing each other in person only six times in those two months is definitely not much, and definitely not enough for you to know who this man is. Texting and talking on the phone every day – and that he’s initiating those texts and calls, is good, but it still falls short in terms of how much you can possibly know about him yet.
He could easily still be calling or texting someone else every day and seeing someone else at least six times in two months.
I’m not saying he is, but my point is that you should assume he is, because that’s the mindset you need to have in order to not go all in with too much of your heart – and body – before you know for sure that this man isn’t going to break your heart because you’ve given him more of your heart than you know is worthy of it yet.
See the difference?
If you’re already all in, he knows it. He’ll sense it. And unless this is clearly a man on your page, looking for exactly who you are, with everything you’re looking for in terms of true compatibility and "same pageness", it’s too easy for him to get comfortable because he already knows he’s got you.
We just can’t possibly know enough about him yet to assume he’s the right guy for you. That takes time, real time. Time spent together – especially when you live some physical distance apart.
Your mutual friends may be right that the two of you would be perfect together. But they’re not you and they’re not him and most of all, they’re not the two of you together so this is something only the two of you can figure out together by walking through it together.
Your concern about not wanting to sound clingy or needy concerns me.
You won’t feel clingy or needy around someone who’s going the same pace as you. If he isn’t making plans to see you more often and you want him to, then go ahead and suggest some places or things you’d love to go see or do and let him take the initiative to makes plans to do those things with you.
You say you want to ask him what he feels and what he wants without coming off as a "Stage 5 clinger", well, that’s concerning to.
What do you feel? What do you want? Is he asking you that?
Without knowing the two of you personally, my guess is he’s not asking you because he either doesn’t want to go there yet because it’s too early for him, or he already knows because you’ve already made it clear that you’re all in and just waiting for him to take you the rest of the way.
That’s not an easy spot to be in because it means he doesn’t have to do a whole lot for you to have access to you whenever it works for him. It sets up a kind of "living by his terms" imbalance of power in the relationship that again adds to my concerns.
Go back to you, Pauli.
The beginning stages become so much easier to navigate when you haven’t lost your power, when you still remember you have your own power, and when you haven’t given so much of yourself away already to someone before you see more of who they really are.
You have every right to ask him any of these questions, but know that he can give you any answer that works for him. If he’s solely looking for a sexual relationship, he’s already got that so you may only get an answer that continues that without any substance to back it up.
Actions are everything. That’s why words don’t really matter. It's also why if you have to ask him, the vast majority of the time, you already have your answer.
If you keep living your own life, focusing on yourself, remembering your own worth and doing those things that make you happy, while keeping your options open (because again, you don’t know that he isn’t doing the same thing) it won’t matter so much what he is or isn’t doing with you.
Time will tell. Actions in that time will always tell.
Pay attention to that. Pay attention to how you feel! Pay attention to what you want! Those things matter every bit as much as what he feels or wants.
Honestly, Pauli, the three to four-month mark is telling, so pay attention to that. If it really is too good to be true, you’ll know sometime around there. Only because he can only keep his real self with you for that long.
With some distance in your locations, it may be longer.
Wait and see, but live and see more than anything else. Relax, because you know that relationships take time, you know that you don’t want to jump into anything before you really know what it is you’re jumping into, and do whatever you need to do to get to know yourself better, so you can understand why it is you need to jump in early instead of allowing a relationship to naturally develop on its own.
I’d love to go into more detail with you here, so if you do decide to do my Beautiful, Confident, Radiant, YOU program, I offer a complimentary coaching session included with the purchase - I would love to meet you!
I hope this helps give you a lot to think about. You’ve been through so much already, Pauli. I don’t want you to go through any more of that kind of heartbreak ever again!
What do you think our beautiful friend Pauli should do in her situation? Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!