There are some women who come to me with a question that’s easy to answer.
When they ask if he’s worth the effort, if they should stay, if they should give him more time, the answer’s so clear from my outside perspective and with everything I’ve learned about this kind of man.
Without their emotional attachment, without their personal connection to this man who represents something they can’t yet see, I see so clearly someone who should never, ever be anywhere near them, let alone in a relationship with them.
But then there are the others. Maybe it’s you, too.
These are the women who are with someone who I would hesitate to say there’s some hope with without personally getting to know their unique situation better. Because while I’m all about hope and believing in someone’s potential, I’ve also been around more than enough of these men - and the women who find themselves with these types - to know that this hope and potential should only be reserved for some men, and by no means just any man!
But there’s clearly a difference between a man with some real potential and a man whose potential is only seen through our own dysfunction. These are not the same men.
And understanding those differences, understanding what makes one emotionally unavailable man capable of making a commitment to you and another completely incapable, is where I come in.
I’ve dated these men.
I’ve been in what I thought were real long-term relationships with these men. I’ve lived the highs with these men. And I’ve lived through the many more lows that being with these men entails.
I’ve waited and waited and waited for these men. I’ve lost myself in them. And I’ve done it all again even when I’ve said I’d never, ever do it again. Being with men like these completely changed my life and helped me understand a breed of men I’d never even known existed.
No one ever told me anything about them.
I thought love was about being the right person, about finding the right person, and coming together, falling in love and progressing naturally to the next step of commitment and in time, marriage.
I thought that was the way love was supposed to work.
I was so completely unprepared for the way it actually worked, so completely unprepared for how complicated it actually was.
What I didn’t realize at the time, and only realized after years of studying these men, first personally and then professionally, was that the emotional unavailable man is, in fact, a different kind of man. All men have some elements of emotional unavailability in them simply because of how our culture has traditionally raised boys to become men.
For generations, boys have been told to man up, to suck it up (as in their feelings), to be strong, to never let their guard down. They’ve been raised with such a lack of emotional understanding for their very real emotions and they’ve never been given any tools for how to deal with them.
Essentially, they’ve been brought up in an emotional vacuum - unless they were fortunate enough to have someone in their lives who bucked the system, gave them permission to feel and made them feel comfortable with those feelings both in themselves and in others.
The men we’re talking about here are those men whose deep sensitivity combined with an equally opposite deeply insensitive parent. A parent who was so closed off from their own emotions they weren’t able to question what they were doing.
This in turn leads to an absolutely toxic combination where their emotional needs were so inadequately met (and maybe where they were shamed for even having those needs at all), that they grew up to be men so devoid of acknowledgment of their own emotions.
The irony is that they can’t tolerate any emotion from the women in their lives equally as much as they can’t resist the chance to erase their deep shame and prove themselves lovable by choosing a woman capable of the deep emotion they are only aware of in themselves at a subconscious level.
Yet this is their place of deep need that they’re actually living from.
The amount of self-work required to be with someone like this is why so many of us endlessly working on ourselves self-help types are drawn to them in the first place. It’s why we can’t let them go, why we keep hanging on to their potential, and especially why we have to understand what happened (and why) before we can ever hope to move on!
When you understand why, you can choose, you recognize your power in this relationship that feels so out of control and powerless to you!
The very first step to doing anything different, either with your current emotionally unavailable man or the next one you’re going to find yourself inexplicably drawn to (and unless you break this pattern, you absolutely will), is to understand why he behaves the way he does, why it’s solely about him and the dynamic between someone exactly like you and someone exactly like him, and the many reasons leading up to and contributing to both his emotional unavailability as well as why he is the way he is.
You’re not going to be able to do anything about him unless you first understand him.
If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, if you don't know the reasons why he's doing what he's doing, you'll continue to take everything he does personally, and most importantly, your reaction and response to him will always reflect your own triggers rather than his actual behavior.
Until you fully understand those reasons behind both of your behaviors that form a very real dynamic unique to the two of you, nothing changes.
That's why in all my work with women, as well as my own first-hand experiences, the most important piece of changing this subconscious dynamic is awareness.
You simply can't change what you can't see.
If you’re not able to make the investment of working with me one-on-one to get to the bottom of this, I completely understand. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have the benefit of some of the background I give my clients in explaining the the reasons behind the behaviors and dynamics of the men they describe to me.
In fact, it’s why I created my popular audio program, Why Men Pull Away.
Most of the women I work with want to get under his skin, to understand why he behaves the way he does, to be in a position to choose whether or not he's worth this effort and whether or not they could finally take back their power and accept that this wasn’t their fault. The answer is always the same - it was completely understandable that they had fallen for a man like this, but was in no way their fault that he had happened to them!
But they don't have to repeat the pattern. And you don't either, Beautiful.
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced an emotionally unavailable man in the past? Share your story with us below in the comments!
How do you know if it's emotional unavailability or if he's just stringing you along waiting for something better the sign seem so similar
i'm going to share my story from a MAN'S perspective:
I'm a 55 year old divorced man. Recently, i've been traumatized by my girlfriend who ended our 4 year relationship by text. I had thought that we'd be married eventually, as she has 2 young children. I was willing to wait, I treated her like a goddess. I worshiped her body, I was deeply in love with everything about her, even her flaws. I fully accepted her unconditionally. All the while, i felt like something was missing between us. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly, but it was not a positive feeling. It was as if at any time, she could disappear without notice, it was like walking on egg shells with her. I love you's flew back and forth between us, Sex was amazing, and we had the same interests-basically lounging and eating and running errands for her kids when they weren't with her.
After the breakup, i researched on line because i needed to know exactly what the hell happened here to us/me. It was as if, she lacked any remorse, or hurt or heart break, and I sustained all of the collateral damage. It's reverse of what most men and woman are like i see on your blog here. I'm the sensitive/emotionally open one, and she was completely incapable of making a commitment or sharing her true feelings for me more than just saying "i love you".
She was highly critical
She was distrusting
She was dishonest in her feelings
She was quick to dismiss me
She was cold and un emotional.
She couldn't have a serious conversation on the phone,
She prefered to text or email.
Her parents especially her mother was a very controlling mother.
Her father was completely un emotional. Never hugged or kissed her
Never told her how she is the apple of his eye, How his daughter is the most beautiful daughter in his whole world. Nothing like that. Just stood there with arms straight down along his sides, and barked his highly opinionated chants about things of which non of them were emotionally charged or involved any feelings of any type.
Is it any wonder why SHE became emotionally unavailable?
Well, the damage was done, i'm still in love with her and along the way I thought how i would "fix" her, would be the "guy" to show her what love is. You can lead a horse to water.......
You're not alone, Jonathan. I've heard such a similar story from many kind-hearted men just like you who've found my messages resonating with them. My heart goes out to you.
Hi, so i’ve been with this guy for 2 years already and he has a certain pattern where he will just completely shut me out and be so emotionally distant and dull and not show emotion at all or interest . he will come back and be all sweet and kind with me. he also has a tendency to lie to me and to his friends. about who he really is and the other day he said he was afraid to talk to me which to me im not sure if that true or not. However, he hates talking about his feeling to anyone , he wont ever show emotion its like as if hes afraid to show emotion. this past feb we were on a break on his terms because he thought im too annoying or insecure when ik im not . than he came back after a week to figure out stuff. but i also feel that his mother had something to do with it as well because he is a mamas boy like to the point where its kind of embarrassing but i love his mom and me and her have such a good relationship together shes like my best friend to me and she told me that he’s just like his real father and it frighten me because i dont want him to be like that at all. i haven’t said a thing about it, but idk if i should . when the ending of 2017 came around he changed, he used to be so sweet loving kind and fun to be around . but once he meet a few new friends he changed than he drifted away from them and was all nice to me again. im genuinely so afraid and scared to have all those problems again because i truly love him and ik who he really is hes a good hearted person its just i feel like hes afraid of something and im not sure of what. i show him love and affection 24/7 including his family i love his family i try so hard to be the best gf and woman in his life i can be but its so hard with him because i never know what hes really feeling inside he’s so stubborn as well and in he he over thinks way too much but he wont say anything and ik he’s insecure as well but he wont say a word about it . its like a big dark black whole that needs to see the light and that hasnt yet and im trying to bring that person back. can you please help me thank you ! Safia <3
Hi Jane,
I wanted to ask you how to determine whether oneself is unavailable. Can you give some hints? Have you already wrote an article about it?
Thank you 🙂
She has. https://gettingtotruelove.com/2017/12/05/women-commitment-issues/
Hi there.. There’s nothing wrong with YOU. You just haven’t got the opportunity to meet that person just yet, that will, can and ready to give you the love you deserve. I can relate to you.. I recently went on a date with someone that was totally the opposite of what I’m looking for.. with just having conversations him over the phone. He opened up about his divorce and hits so close to home. I wa immediately interested in him.. When we finally meet for dinner.. I was a little disappointed, wasn’t physically attracted to him.. But as the night went on, the more we talked. The more interested I was him. All though the physical attraction was there... But the qualities I look for was there. What really made me fall for him at the end of the day. Chivalry was still alive in. When I told him.. I was interested with us moving forward... The response I got back.. I’m not really to committ to anything right now. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t know which direction I’m heading. It was like a truck had RAN over me. I’m still having a hard time and trying so hard not to contract him to give him a ear ful.
Don't bother contacting him. Be glad he was honest early on so you didn't waste lots of time with him.
How do I find him, Jane? I've done the self improvement. I've worked through so many issues (your articles cleared a lot up.) I can spot the signs of emotionally unavailable men early on now (hint: half the time they almost much flat out say it lol) and I'm no longer a magnet for married men. The problem is... I'm not really a magnet for anyone now.
How do I find him? I've done the dating sites. I've done the dating apps. I'm always putting myself in new places. I'm always pursuing my passions. This year I even moved across the country to a place that I feel I could be more of myself and live a life more in line with my own passions. I didn't make the move to find love, I did hope to an extent that living my dreams would amp up my vibration and bring me in line with a good match. I guess not? I'm not sure what to do.... I've even tried the "Stop looking and it will come to you" advice several times - but that has never worked.
I am intelligent, have a good job, have really amazing friends, and make new ones pretty easily, i'm active and in good shape, and decently attractive physically. Overall my self esteem is pretty healthy these days, and I dare say I have almost an extraordinary life. But for some reason nobody seems interested in me?
Most of your (really wonderful) advice seems directed to people stuck in the wrong relationships. But what about finding the right one? What about even finding a date? Why does it seem that nobody is interested in me, and what can I do to become noticed by the right guys?
We get the clearest on what we don't want first, Sky, before we get to what we do want. Our first choices are almost always subconscious, based on deep programming we're not even aware of, and so it's not surprising that we find out the hard way that those relationships don't and can't work simply because of what we're not aware of yet. Then and only then are we ready to move on to something that's actually good and healthy for us - a real relationship based on real love, not something we substitute and call love based on an old definition that never gave us what we needed.
That's why we go through the heartbreak first, Sky, unless we're fortunate enough to have someone who understood this themesleves enough to set an example and raise us differently from the very beginning so we never had to go through it. But that's so rare. Instead, you do what you do, you travel, you try new things, you try on different hats, until you discover yourself - the very person you've brought along with you. Without knowing you personally, without having the chance to go into detail with you and your specific situation, it seems like there's sommething in the "nobody seems interested in me", in the "what can I do to become noticed by the right guys?" So who are the "right" guys? Start with that. Get down deeper into the nobody's interested in me part. What's behind that?
You sound perfect, Sky. Could that be part of it? Has someone placed some unrealistic expectations on you that are making it so much harder to allow someone fully human in? Again, with so many important details missing, it's hard to answer your questions from here, but hopefully this gives you a few thoughts to ponder. Is any of this resonating with you?
Hi Jane! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response!!!!
I'm not perfect. If i were, I would definitely have somebody lol. I do set very high expectations for myself and my life and have excelled at a lot of things of different things. I'm humble and not trying to impress anyone other than myself, but I know when people eventually find out more about me they are pretty impressed. I am not an intimidating person, but i've grown pretty solid and secure on my own, so it's possible I don't let people in. I've never heard the idea that being "perfect" would make it harder to find someone.
You've given me some pieces to think about. Especially digging deeper into the "right guys" and the "nobody is interested in me" part (it really seems that way though, which is weird because great friends come so easily.) Hmmm.
Thanks again for your input and for everything you do. You send so much positivity out in the world!! I hope you feel it returning right back to you!
Thank you, Sky. I do. 🙂 And I'm so glad my response resonated with you. Pay close attention to where you say "I've never heard the idea that being "perfect" would make it harder to find someone." This is at the heart of my experience and that of the women I work with! There's something there. Go deep! And then remember that this is about being happy and having fun! The irony, right? But it's only when we've first gone deep, that we get to the light and fun and free!
Now THAT really resonated with me. It has not felt light, happy, or fun.I think to get the positive results I want, the search itself needs to feel positive, fun, and full of possibility. You just showed me that lately the search has made me feel frustrated and alone. I think right now would be a good time to step back from looking so hard, and refocus on myself and my passions a bit, and dig deep on the points you mentioned above. I'll come back to the external search again once it starts feeling light and fun again. I'll probably be feeling better about myself by then as well. Thanks Jane!
Oh good. Keep me posted!
Thank you Jane, once again you have hit the nail on the head.
The emotionally unavailable man I was involved with chose me, I wasn't initially attracted to him. However, he did seem confident and yes as you say there was a glimpse of vulnerability and sensitivity in him and I suppose I did keep holding on hoping this would eventually come right. But I waited and waited while putting up with HIS way and HIS needs which always seemed to compromise my own!
Now I see there was never a hope of commitment or even Love and I have been blaming myself - How could I an intelligent mature woman with my own business fall for this looser!!! Jane you have helped me to put things into perspective and understand why this has happened to me. I am hoping to learn from this and will keep reading your wise words.
Exactly, Linda! So glad this came into such clear perspective for you. When his way and his needs always seem to compromise your own, there's a problem and it's bigger than anything you can fix on your own. Don't doubt this moment of clarity. You've been seeing this on some level all along!
The program you mention (WMPA) is very helpful and I would recommend it to others and I have listened to it several times over the months that I have had it and indeed think another listen this weekend might be warranted ...
I'm thrilled you found the program so helpful, Paula. Thanks for adding your own recommendation. Now you've got me curious. 🙂