Beautiful Ollie writes in to tell her story of her boyfriend who came on very strong in the beginning, but now wants to take a step back and slow things down.
Here's what she wrote:
I am a single mum of an 8 year old.
I met this guy for a coffee 2 months ago (we're both in our late 40's). We talked for hours, I never felt so comfortable and connected with someone, it was incredible.
The same afternoon, he came over to my place (I invited him) to show me some of his legal documents as he is in the middle of fighting custody of his children with his ex and I work in the legal area. He just needed to understand some forms.
While I was going through the documents, he played with my daughter. They had a blast together.
For the following days, he would text me first thing in the morning, ring me midday to see how my day was going, texting me before going to bed for a chat and goodnight. He popped by once or twice a week to say 'hi', play with my kid and have coffee with me.
He always brought a few little things, i.e. cakes, sweets or toys.
He'd then spend at least an hour with my child watching cartoons. A couple of times during the first 3 weeks he said he loved us. When he came over once or twice a week, we sat talking, he would look at my eyes and hold and stroke my hands.
He then gave me lingering hugs and kisses on the head and the cheeks. The last 2 weeks he came over, we sat on the couch together watching football. He would reach for my feet and stroke and massage them. Then we hugged, I rested my head over his shoulder and he held my hands, stroking my head and arms then this time. He held my face towards his, looked me in the eyes and kissed me, gently first, then passionately.
Since then, we could not stop kissing and hugging. I never felt such emotion and passion in my entire life.
10 days ago, he came over late after his Bible study. I made him a cup of tea, we sat and hugged on the couch which progressed to lingering passionate kisses for 3 hours in between hugs. This almost escalated to something else but he got up and said he felt so bad, he should show me and my daughter more respect.
He said he did not want everything to be based on physical and that everything was happening rapidly. I wasn't complaining, I loved it. Even when he was saying goodbye, he could not stop looking me in the eyes and kissing me, it was difficult.
The next night he rang and requested to slow the pace, that he felt strongly for me and that something takes over him when he sees me and he loses control so he suggested to keep seeing each other but only in public - i.e. church, restaurants, our kids doing activities together.
Even his texting or phone calls have slowed down and be friends first as he did not want to stuff anything this time like he did in his past relationship when he rushed things. I haven't seen him all week but we met at church last night then took the kids to McDonald's.
He hugged me and said I smelled nice but it was a friendly hug and kiss on the cheek.
It's killing me inside, I feel sick and could not sleep. I never felt for anyone this strong in all my life in such a short time.
What do you think I should do so I don't lose the guy and manage my health and sanity?
Please help me, I am dying!!!
Thank you.
- Ollie
My Response:
Oh Ollie, this is a man who’s rushed in way too fast, proclaiming his love for you after only 3 weeks, and then when reality catches up with him – that he can’t control himself physically, that he moved everything along more quickly than was sustainable for him - he pulls back.
It’s not you, it’s him.
He set the pace, he hurried everything along, all you did was get caught up in it with him.
The reason why it aches so much for you, is because you believed him, you took him at his word, you trusted him before he proved to you that he was trustworthy. You couldn’t have known that he didn’t have the follow through, that he would show you that he hasn’t figured out how to find a balance, instead of one extreme or the other.
Give him the space he’s taking. Separate out the part that feels so personal to you, the part that has you not eating, not sleeping, feeling the equivalent like you’re dying. You’re not. You will get through this, too.
But there’s one other thing I want you to do: Don’t pretend nothing has changed. It has.
You sense it, and he knows it. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your own feelings here. Tell him that you’re sensing a change in him. That slowing things down is fine with you, but it’s looking to you like that means two different things to each of you and you want to be with someone who knows what he wants, who’s on the same page as you.
If that doesn’t open up a conversation that he’s willing to have with you, then that tells you a lot about this man.
The most important thing to remember here, is that there’s something that happens in the first 3 to 4 months. This is the honeymoon stage for so many men. They love this stage. They can promise the world, profess to anything, and make everything so wonderful, so incredibly, magically, connected for the both of you.
But somewhere in this time frame comes the reality check. It sounds like his was that night when he realized he wasn’t capable of controlling his physical actions and that physical attraction to you the way he wanted to.
That was his reality check.
What a man does with this piece of reality tells you everything. If he pulls back, like your man did, it gives you both a chance to weather it by slowing things down, allowing him to pull back, but not enough to end the relationship or leave it on life support.
It sounds like he doesn’t know how to do this and you want it to continue.
Get clear, see if your safe words allow him to open up enough to talk. Otherwise, give him that space, and in the meantime, keep living your own life.
He’s not out, but he’s certainly not up to the level you need him to be and only time will tell if he’s capable of being that at all. But you, Ollie, you deserve someone who is capable of that, who can be real relationship material, who can take responsibility for his own actions and be the man that you so deserve.
Whether or not that’s him remains to be seen, but either way, you’re so much better off knowing that now, and not months, years, decades, down the road when you’ve invested so much more of your beautiful heart and soul!
I hope this helps, Ollie.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Should beautiful Ollie give him the space he's asking for, or should she let it go and move on? Share your thoughts and words of advice and/or encouragement with her in the comments below!
I agree with Faithful4life. I wouldn't write him off entirely now. I would see if he keeps reaching out and making plans and following through. (And then if things start to move forward again).
But I also would look for signs that he is very attracted to you and romantically interested in you that are not related to passionate kissing, etc....
At this moment, it sounds like he actually means what he says and he isn't doing a hot/cold pattern or run off, but he wants to be respectful and not rush into sex (or possibly hold off on sex until remarriage).
There is also nothing wrong with you saying you appreciate his respect and want to respect how he feels, but the sudden switch makes you feel as if he is no longer romantically interested.
IF HE IS THE GUY HE SEEMS TO BE BASED ON HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS, HE WILL TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT IS NOT THE CASE and will be open to hearing from you what would make you feel like you two still have potential and are moving forward, albeit slowly and carefully.
BUT if he isn't even divorced yet or hasn't been divorced for at least a year, better 2 years, I wouldn't get too involved with him yet, anyway. Maybe be friends, but I would wait until the divorce is finalized and all parties in it, the guy, his ex-wife, and especially his children, have had time to accept and adjust to life, post-divorce.
Recently went through the same thing. Be strong and hang in there. I am very disappointed but it takes 2. You both need to be on the same page. Don't sit around and wait for him. Someone better suited for you May be right around the corner! Habe faith! There is nothing wrong with you, as Jane would say maybe he's not the right guy for you!
This is the first thing that I intuitively felt when I read Ollie's story-- my own question. Is this man still married? How recently divorced is he?
If he is still married, then it an honorable thing from him to pull back--- especially from the physical. It shows that he honors the role of the physical in a married relationship, if he is Christian (and this matters to him. Not all professing Christians walk by the teachings of Jesus or treat them as if Jesus intended them to follow them).
He was probably in a relationship where toward the end, he was not treated well.
He barely knows Ollie well enough to be able to love her.
What he is feeling is this:
Wow, how nice it is to feel such passionate feelings, how nice it is to be wanted, to have someone treat him with respect, and how fun another person's company can be as a companion. Keep in mind, this is after probably a hellosh end of marriage.
Just because he is feeling these things doesn't mean Ollie is the one for him. The only way he can know that is by getting to know Ollie slowly, seeing what her character is like (is she kind? Is she generous, forgiving, and merciful? Can her word be counted? Is she faithful? Does she understand what mental and emotional fidelity are, as well as physical? How does she steward her life? If his faith is important to him, does she put Christ first in her life, or does she have an agenda she puts before God? (This one is an idolatry question, which is not small issue, and I have dealt with the difficulties personally in marriage and it can be very difficult.) Does she have an interactive relationship with God, or is it merely head knowledge? Does she pursue her walk with God intentionally, regular time in prayer, scripture reading, fasting? ) How does she handle conflict? Does she have any abusive tendencies or habits? Is she teachable? All of these apply equally to the man, of course, but in this case, we are dealing with the guy in this case.)
I also don't believe this means that he was somehow doing something bad to Ollie. People coming out of married relationships don't realize how easy it is to progress in the physical relationship. In marriage, a kiss can easily lead to sex, and there's not reason to hold back. People coming out of married relationships, unless they have played the field a bit before, aren't prepared for how their bodies will respond in dating, and have to develop that caution and self control.
I think if anything, his pulling back show his value, and it is a compliment to Ollie. It means he wants to build a solid relationship on a foundation, which if he just wanted to use her, he would just use her as a rebound. He is not.
Ollie has value, too. She should not interpret his behavior as an insult or lack of interest. Sometimes just wanting a man can make us not see things we need to see, and rush things we shouldn't rush.
Hang in there Ollie. I feel for you. Focus on your own life right now and give this man space. I don't advocate playing games, I just wouldn't be too available for him. If he truly cares for you he will come back after some time to himself. If he doesn't fight for you, at least you will know the truth and can begin to heal your wounds.
Do nothing, Ollie. Feel your feelings, observe them, listen to them, but don't act on any of them. Just sit quietly with them. Feel the turmoil and anxiety and figure out what they are about. They're not about him. You don't know this man. You're projecting an idea on to him. Take this opportunity to step back and analyze this to see it for what it is. Reality. Get clear on what you want out of a partnership and if and when he shows up, either have a calm clear talk with him to see where he's at or do nothing and observe.
This doesn't seem like a man you can rely on, so I would really watch him and not move forward with him at all.