He tells you he can’t commit. That he just isn’t commitment material.
He tells you he doesn’t know why, but he’s never been able to commit before.
He doesn’t believe it has anything to do with him. He's not sure, but he thinks it’s because he hasn’t found the right woman yet.
Okay, let’s break this down.
What happens to you when you hear something like that? That he just hasn’t found the right woman yet.
Yep. We spring up, ready to take action and rise to the challenge.
We're going to become that “right woman” for him. Or rather, we become determined to show him that we are that right woman.
We’re going to love him enough, show him enough of who we are and what we’re capable of and we’re going to become everything he’s ever wanted in that woman. We’re going to be everything he’s never had. We’re on a mission!
Right?
Because there’s nothing that reels us in like being able to prove ourselves to this guy who’s never had someone like us before.
We’re going to show him everything we can be. We’re going to accept the challenge (even if it wasn’t presented to us as a “challenge”). Because that’s what we hear and that’s what gives us our energy.
We live for this!
Except there’s a big problem. This is what creates an imbalance of power in this relationship and it sets the stage for its failure right here. He doesn’t want you to show him that you’re everything he’s never had. He doesn’t want you to show him anything EXCEPT for one thing.
That you can be yourself and not lose yourself in him.
We don’t even realize we’re doing this. We would never say that we’re jumping in to prove that we’re the perfect woman for him. We would never say that we’ve set out to do this. But it’s exactly what we do.
And it’s why he can’t commit.
Not because there’s anything wrong with you. Actually, on the contrary, given the chance, you would prove to him you’re that woman who would finally get him to commit!
But he won’t give you that chance precisely because you’re the one who can take his excuse and put it – and his logic that led him to this in the first place – to the test. And no matter what he says, that’s not what he wants.
So what’s a woman like you to do with a paradoxical guy like this?
Get to know him. Slowly. Carefully.
Don’t go all in until you have the commitment you’re looking for from him. Be yourself. Be your beautiful, radiant, confident self that he’s lucky to have found at all! But not to your detriment. Not so that you can’t take it back if he shows you he can’t get there.
Yes, there’s a chance you may inspire him by being true enough to yourself. But you’re not out to prove anything.
He’s never met the right woman because he’s set himself up so that he never will. Because it isn’t about the right woman. It’s about him not blaming his lack of ability to commit on anyone but himself.
He can’t commit because he has an excuse. A good one. A believable one.
One that lets him off the hook and keeps him from having to change or do anything different as long as he can put his lack of being relationship material on a woman.
A man who recognizes he’s the one who has to do something different or look at himself, has a chance. But a man who doesn’t recognize he’s the one with the issue - or does but gives it nothing more than lip service - doesn’t have any reason to do anything different at all. He knows there will always be another woman ready to show him why she’s the one to break this spell.
You’re here to be. To love. To live. To shine.
In spite of what he is or isn’t capable of. Time will tell, it always does.
But in that time, hold onto you. Hold onto your own life, your own friends, your own passions and interests and whatever else it is that makes you so uniquely you. That’s more attractive than anything else you could do to show him why you’re just the kind of woman he’s been looking for.
If he’s ready, really ready for commitment with someone who he’s compatible with, that’ll be enough.
If it isn’t, it won’t be because of you, Beautiful. It will be because of him.
And you, Beautiful? Has it been long enough yet? If you've been here, share your story with the rest of us who've been there in the comments below!
I've been dating a guy for a couple of months unfortunately who he iscomment phobia in the meantime he as done so much to my ego I did reach the position with all scrape together trying to analyze what happened and exit from the relationship but in reality I'm the person who caught in his madness it's not always easy it's takes time for things to leak out and a guy would stick around until he gets what he wants don't let small mind men who can't love convince you to go to bed when they are emotional damage from there past relationships for the reason why they don't want to commit to know other women just want to play I'm on phase until I got the lesson Jane is teaching wake up ladies thanks for sharing
Oh Jane thank you so much again for this wonderful piece.
I recently met a guy just shortly after my breakup with my ex (the one who dumped me via text on my birthday week)
So this new guy we met online and we were chatting everyday without fail, he also started calling me often and we would talk for longer periods on the phone. So after like 3 weeks he came to see me after we had a misunderstanding on the phone. We had an amazing connection, one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. I didn't regret that part as I also wanted it. After that night he still continued with the chats and phone calls and also explaining himself when he has been quiet about how busy he is and all.
But just recently the texts and phone calls started dropping... And then the last time we spoke (this past weekend) he texted me asking how I am and upon answering I asked him how he was and he just said "okay" so I told him next time he must not text me unless he is ready to give me more than just one word responses, he then told me he is sorry and that he doesn't read too much into that stuff (I sensed a bit of arrogancy on his response) and I decided to let it slide.
I then asked when is he seeing me seeing that it's been a while he then said "we need to talk eye to eye" and that he will call me and let me know when. That was two days ago and he has since been quiet and I'm quiet too.
What I like about your page Jane is the fact that I can be myself and talk about my issues without any judgement from you or the amazing women in this community.
I have been seeing some pattern in me on attracting the guys that are not ready, the current guy is so busy that he works day and night, but I know that is not an excuse for the less contact, like the other woman has mentioned here that we get so focused in wanting the commitment that we forget to look deep into whether we are really ready or if the guy we are seeing is ready and if he has the qualities we are looking for in a Man. In my case the current guy is so busy that it would be difficult for me to be serious with him as I require someone who puts me as a priority in his life. He did state that he is fixing his life as he had some financial problems in the past year so that to me was also a bit of a red flag.
I have made peace that I will accept whatever he is telling me about us not being able to progress forward with the relationship, quite frankly I have already told my subconscious mind that this will not work and I'm at peace with that.
You and the amazing Women here have made me grow to such a great extent, I am now able to walk away from situations that don't fullfil me, be it relationships or friendships, it's not easy though but I'm getting there slowly as I am becoming aware of who I am and what I'm looking for in life. Thank you.
I really needed to read this post today, I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and although I've really been myself with him, I've definitely fallen into old patterns of thinking with my help, encouragement, fun ideas or whatever ..that I can be the exception, that I can be the girl to make him want to commit to and move on from his past (currently going through a divorce)
But the truth is, as you said, he'll be ready when he's ready, not because of anything I say. If anything, I think he was more keen when I wasn't so accommodating/in touch. Where as soon as fear kicked in, I resort to acting like an insecure school girl.
I think as someone else said, amongst all the focus on getting the guy, we have to really think about do we really want him or it is the idea of him that appeals more??
I stopped initiating in sending out messages to this guy that i have known for almost more than a year now. We are in a long distance relationship and communication would have been a priority to keep in touch and see hiw things are with each other. So sick and tired of his excuses about having been too busy at work, yet claimed that he loved me even when his actions say another. Consistency and effort were no longer there and I respect myself enough to be on the begging end.
Love this Shay! We are strong and as Jane always says, we have a choice. Never settle for not being his priority. Simply walk away. No man is worth our dignity or self respect.
Thank you for the post. I am learning that indeed we are here to just Be. Be joy. Be love. "BeYou-tiful"
This one has given me something else to think about.
I completely understand and remember this dynamic in my past. It was very subconscious, but I was one of those girls who thought I would be more and better and whatever to him without even noticing I didn't even know who I was in the first place. All I knew was that since I was a small child, everything about me was wrong. So I became a mirror of these men and funny enough, every time a glimmer of something authentic came up, I was chastised, mocked or belittled because of it by these very men. The last time I heard a man say something like "I'm afraid of commitment", I somehow found it off-putting. That was a slow progress. I remember him asking me on our first date after we kissed, "are you going to take care of me?". The old me would have jumped and said "of course" and proceeded to become the all too self-sacrificing meek woman I was programmed to believe was ideal, but when he said that, I felt turned off without even noticing. It's like something inside me knew this was not a good sign. Needless to say I was right because he became somewhat distant after like our second date and then the whole "fear of commitment", bla bla bla came up and I jumped off that train quickly. I was disappointed, but mostly disappointed about continuing to find these types.
I also recognize myself in these men because as of a while ago, I started recognizing I dread commitment. I don't know if it's because I've come to believe these men are all there are and I just don't find anyone worthy of my time right now. I don't know if it's because of all my experiences or because of my childhood wounds or both or neither that I feel it's pointless to invest so much in someone. That girl that was super naive and hopeful and ever so illusioned has kind of died in me. It's like I've seen too much to come to the conclusion that I'm not suited for the whole relationship thing. I no longer feel like I want to be someone's anything. I dread the word "wife", dread the idea of "perfect girlfriend" because I've come to realize the connotations of those resemble a prison for me. It's as if by embodying those things I become a shell, I cease to exist and I set myself up for unbelievable cruelty and pain.
I also started to wonder about how our socialized programming plays out in this.
Men who can commit seem to always find a woman in every corner; no matter what they look like and where they are in life, it's like there's always someone. If I look at my experience as a woman, a brown woman in a predominantly white space, I do not have such luck. The men that have come into my life with a tiny shred of interest have come far and between. It feels like my choices are rather slim and if I think of my aversion to commitment, it's quite the recipe. I had never realized that my skin color and my origin had such a huge bearing in my experiences. I've been seeing so many things I never saw before. It feels bleak however I see it. Could it be that my choosing to be alone is a cop-out for all these hurdles? I think I might be trying to protecting myself from more disappointment. I feel dried inside, like I can't do it anymore. I don't know if anyone can even understand this feeling.
Somehow I don't feel much anger towards these commitment phobic men anymore. My take is they will be fine either way, and it's fine if they stay away.
Im going through exactly the samw stage in my life Angel. I just couldnt care any more. Aftertalking to a multitude of men i find they have a variety of reasons to want to know me,none of which have to do with love. I havent given up on love but rather come to a place where i can take it or leave it.
"are you going to take care of me?"
"I also recognize myself in these men because as of a while ago, I started recognizing I dread commitment."
"Somehow I don't feel much anger towards these commitment phobic men anymore. My take is they will be fine either way, and it's fine if they stay away."
Angel,
What Jane and you wrote today makes me realize that even though I seem to be as commitment phobic as the men I once wanted in my life, I have made some progress here in recognizing that!
The man I loved for 42 years until his death asked if I would "make sure he took his vitamins and brushed his teeth" when we were 17 years old. I thought he was joking. Thanks to Al-Anon, I was able to detach from him to a degree when we were 37 years old. My belief that I could be the "one" for him lasted until his death from the consequences of alcoholism and drug addiction in 2008. We were 58 years old when he died. We had not been living together since 5 months after he had returned from Vietnam in December 1970!!!! I have to wonder what it was in me that could have kept me hoping for a different outcome for so many years of my life.
As long as I held on to the belief that we were "destined for each other," I could not make a true commitment to any other relationship, even though I married, divorced, and let a few commitment phobic men "choose me" between the time I was 37 and this last year before I found this website.
The man who "chose me" just over a year ago asked (a few months into our simple relationship) if I would be there for him in the weeks after a future complicated medical procedure that he is facing sometime in then next 6 years. Of course (my old patterning), I said, "Yes," thinking that he was asking for a commitment from me and was letting me know that he had made a commitment to me. He said that he would have a social worker contact me and that I would meet his son, but that never happened. We continued to get together for walks. This was a very simple relationship -- no physical affection from him, although he gave me simple gifts. We simply took long walks together. I told myself we were "going slowly" and that the relationship would grow. I kept initiating contact, ignoring that he was keeping his distance, rarely initiating contact with me (I gobbled up those crumbs and found them sweet!). One of the first things he told me a year ago was, "Nothing is more important to me than my children." When a friend told me that he had not been in a relationship with anyone except his children since his divorce 25 years ago, I thought I would be the exception -- that he saw me as the woman who could change that for him.
With all my focus on wanting him to commit to me, I lost touch with whether I really wanted to commit to him or, perhaps the key, whether I was capable of committing to him.
Now that the dust has settled, I know that I couldn't commit to him. I know who I am. I need to work for the rest of my life in order to pay my bills. At my age (68 in October), I have been unable to find work locally and have become self-employed. He lives on a Social Security check. I would need to commit to being a full time caretaker and jeopardize my self-employment.
When I write this down, the picture is clear.
I don't feel anger toward him anymore. I am grateful for this community of women who are having this conversation. What I do know is that because of what I have learned here, it is highly unlikely that I will enter a relationship with a man who cannot make a commitment and that I can continue to look at myself and be the woman I was created to be.
Of note, I made a "commitment" to self-employment and now that is jeopardized by the world-wide virus that took down businesses all over the world, beginning in the Ukraine. I work as a medical transcriptionist for poverty wages. I've done this work since I left my marriage in 1984. Transcriptionists used to be paid $20-$40/hr. Transcriptionists today are lucky if they can make $25,000/year. Transcriptionists all over the U.S. were unable to work for a full week because of the virus. For thousands of woman, our work relationship is extremely stressful right now. There is a massive backlog of medical records to be transcribed without the benefit of speech recognition software.
This is another area of my life where I have not been able to thrive. I am absolutely sure that there is a connection. I know that what I am learning here about relationships is helping me in this tenuous job relationship, where I make the commitment but don't receive much in return.
Thank you, Angel, for your insights and your presence here.
Thank you Lin, and Ella.
It's comforting to be able to share this with someone and to know that even if our details differ, we are going through similar things. It doesn't feel so lonely when I share.
Ella, I can feel your words and I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much. Is there anything you would like to do independently? I can only imagine how tough it is to start a business and especially in this economy, but maybe there is a dream hiding somewhere in you that could potentially keep you motivated and financially afloat? I hope it's not condescending to ask.
Lin, I can understand perfectly that feeling of being able to take it or leave it, like you no longer have the energy to even try any longer, but I'm glad you haven't given up on love.
I don't know that I know what love is, quite frankly. I sometimes think it's just one of those ideas that can be molded and turned into anything, so it might as well not be real, but an illusion. I don't know. I simply feel like I ran out of ideas and reasons to keep hoping for that. It's like something died somehow inside me.
Angel,
Thank you for your encouragement as I consider other options for self-employment, if the current one continues to be unrewarding financially.
Oddly enough, being a medical transcriptionist is completely rewarding in all other ways! Beyond that, it would be a dream come true if I could find time and energy to sell my art work, too. It is very likely that the combination would add up to an adequate income.
As my knowledge of who I can be in relationships with men grows, my knowledge of how I can make a living grows.
Little by slow, there is inner progress, even if things don't appear to be changing outwardly for some of us.