Most of us know by now the role he played. The reasons behind why we chase. The explanation for why we choose the ones we do.
You’ve heard me speak about this significant father/daughter relationship, and from the perspective of Daddy’s Little Girl.
I’ve coached so many of you on how to understand and accept, but not stay there. To become aware, to break the cycle instead of repeating the patterns that have such a hold on us.
For a little girl who kept it all inside, who never, ever felt safe to be angry, I had plenty to be angry about when I finally allowed myself to feel that emotion for the first time in my life when I was safe with my own family, with a man who would love me not only in spite of, but because of every emotion I felt.
And angry I was.
For years I had barely a surface relationship with him, realizing that if I didn’t reach out to him, he wouldn’t reach out to me.
So I didn’t. And he didn’t.
Until recently. When I started looking at him in a whole new light.
Yes, he’s still the man who didn’t reach out for me when I needed him the most. Yes, he’s still the same man who didn’t know how to reach out to me because he came from a generation that was never shown how.
And yes, I needed him. Oh how I needed him.
But staying there, sitting in that space holding onto all of this resentment, longing for what could have been, or longing for a different kind of man in him, doesn’t change any of what I’ve been through.
So I decided to do something else instead. I’ve chosen to understand him. To accept him. To see the deeper vulnerability behind him.
To see a man who didn’t know what to do with me, who didn’t have the tools, the skillset, to show me how to allow myself to be chased by a man.
It’s like seeing him for the first time in this new light.
I’m seeing that side of him that inspired me. What he preached from behind a pulpit, I speak from my own platform. We may have very different messages, but we share the same passion behind our words.
Where he felt the possibility of being able to make a difference in the world, I feel that, too.
My psychology background gives me plenty of reasons to understand why he is the way he is, but all the knowledge in the world isn’t going to change who he is and what he is and isn’t capable of.
He’s getting older now, and while my heart often longs for our story to have been a different one, I know it’s the only story he knew. I’ve given up on the idea that he’s got it in him to reach out to me, and I’ve accepted that he somehow needs me to reach out to him instead.
Instead of fighting it or trying to get him to change that, I’m choosing to accept it – and him - instead.
I’ve heard so many of your own stories about your dads, and my heart has broken with yours so many times. We’ve shared tears of what could have been, we’ve struggled together to find your way out.
Blame doesn’t get us there. But accepting him as a very human man and yourself as a daughter with every right to your own feelings, helps even more than we know.
You’ve done the best you could with what you’ve known, Beautiful. And so has he. Ironically, when we realize our ideal of what he should be, we also allow ourselves to be released.
If you can’t do it for him, do it for you. Then go out and write a new story. About an imperfect dad who never knew how to love in the way you needed him to love.
And a little girl who took everything he didn’t know and showed him how to love.
I know this topic runs deep for so many of you. I hope this resonated with you today. I’m here for you if you want to share your own story in the comments below.
I can see where he came from. I can tell that he is also very mean to himself and other people (especially women) too. I understand why i am so defensive and self critical. Unfortunately understanding is not enough to solve the problem. I know his words don't reflect the truth but they still hurt me. I know they are not facts, just opinions, but i wish he had better opinions about me. In my teenage years i made wrong choices to change his opinions about me but it just didn't happen and i lost myself in that process. I hope one day i can accept him the way he is but for now, i am not there yet.
And that's ok, Gizem. We're all on our own paths.
Thank you for this conversation today!
My father died in 2003. I carried so much anger towards him after my mother died, that I became so exhausted that I could barely function, much less have any energy for any relationship except the father/daughter relationship. As the first born and oldest daughter, I was cast into the role of caregiver. He didn't live with me, but I was the only family member available locally to help him. He was in his early 80s, when my mother died, and there I was in my mid 40s before I got in touch with my anger towards him. Before that he was so remote that I had little relationship with him at all, but my unconscious anger was directed toward men.
I was not able to feel that anger toward him until my mother died in 1994. Once she died, he began to relate to me in the way he had related to her. I began to understand why she became so angry in connection with him. I had never understood her anger before.
I am feeling that anger and exhaustion again, still unable to let go of desiring to build a healthy intimate relationship with a man who has not expressed the same desire.
I reached out to him once again this past month with the desire to have the conversation that I have not had the courage to engage in with him.
What you wrote today gives me hope as I go forward, letting go of fear of being myself in connection with him, letting him know what I want in my life. Reaching out to him, letting go of expectation.
A friend said recently, "No one can break our hearts. What can be broken is our expectations."
If we can let go of expectations, we can get in touch with the love in our hearts.
For me, this is a bit... Gray. I adore my dad, but yes, a little while ago I realized why I had such a crap time with men and it's because of how, even though my dad was always there and continues to be there for me in all ways, he does not know much about the emotional part. I have forgiven and accepted my dad for the most part already. I no longer feel anger towards him. That was somewhat short-lived. I still feel like he'll never truly accept me, but that's ok. I know it's not my problem and I think I'm at peace with it. My dad is just human and he had it much worse than I did. My heart breaks for what he went through as a child and a teenager. But I know now that mild depression? And loneliness just runs in the family.
I still find myself wanting people to care or like me, but they simply don't approach. It's funny, I know deep down it's because I'm so scared that I put up lots of walls and I guess people just feel them. But sometimes it's just the way it is. No matter how friendly I am, I feel like I'm just an acquired taste. I'm still working on being ok with it. All of my personality is just the result of emotional starvation and loneliness growing up. It still hasn't gone away, but this time I think I'm just working on being at peace with it.
I know I'm daddy's little girl, just in very very very different ways from what society understands that concept.
Thank you with all my heart ❤
This is how I feel and have for years..it helps me. My sister will never stop ranting all her anger and despise with me. I get it i do but im different. I try to gently shed a different light to her, acknowledging validating her feelings, but she just gets angry with me, I stir her up. So then I'm left also very upset and confused. Grateful to my heart for being open enough to understand everyone's right to there feelings..but it is hard.
Such a timely note! Thank you for taking part in my serendipity - I have been toying with the idea of calling him after not speaking for 5 years out of protection for myself. I realize I was protecting my expectations of who I wished him to be. We were strangers to each other, I only met him when I was 28, expecting a father to be a dad within months of meeting an adult coupled with the guilt of not having stepped up with my own expectations of the outcome in retrospect was setting us up both for failure.
I realize I have to bridge with him accepting him the way he is if not for my own sake, for the sake of that little girl I was.
Thank you for the nudge 🙂
So glad what you needed came through for you, Sands. You've captured the essence of my message so beautifully in this statement - "not for my own sake, for the sake of that little girl I was." Thank you for sharing, and adding to the conversation. Sending you love and light from here. 🙂
That story read exactly like mine. It's unfortunate that so many of us have that story. I was about 25 when I finally asked my father why he treated me and my siblings the way he did. He said "because that is the way they (his family) treated him". I said and you see how horrible it made you feel why would you turn around and treat your children the same why. He had no answers. I have come to terms with it but it definitely shaped the way I deal with men. It used to be especially difficult around Father's Day because I see all the post my friends make about their wonderful fathers but now I just celebrate in their joy and my resolve that he did only what he knew to do.
Exactly, Melissa. "He did only what he knew to do". It doesn't absolve them of their own responsibility, it doesn't excuse them or make it go away. But what matters is that it frees us from trying to change them, from trying to make different what is and was never ours to change. Thank you for sharing. Hearing you!