Beautiful Allie shares her story of waiting endlessly for a commitment - will he ever be ready?
Here's what she wrote:
I am going to be 32 the end of this year.
I have been with a man for the last 9 years. We dated when we were younger, in between friends with benefits, and more recently started dating (both of us have no children and have never been married.)
My question is, he is unable to define what we are at all, completely accustomed to seeing me out of pure convenience when he can pencil me into his schedule and is okay with seeing me 1 to 2 times a week (literally.) Maybe a dinner after work, breakfast and then I'm gone by 11:00 the next morning.
We have never spent two days together or had a weekend together.
We have had multiple discussions about commitment and things improve but then 4 months later go back to the same old cycle. It's almost as if he wants his life separate from mine; his time is his and he's very set in his ways.
This has been going on far too long and I truly need an intervention of some sort because do I believe that there is a possibility that he might want a committed relationship? Sure, but do I think that it will happen in the next 5 years? No.
I'm constantly saying to myself "What am I really doing with myself? This is a never ending battle with myself."
I truly love this person with every ounce of my heart and every bone in my body... he's all I know. I don't think he knows how to love and more so do I say that because he recently told me this year for the first time he loved me.
He is never the first one to say it to me and is almost afraid to utter the words, but he does manage to pass them. If I can have some wise words, this would be ever so helpful.
- Allie
My Response:
I know you love him with every ounce of your heart and every bone in your body, Allie. We always do. And you’re absolutely right when you say he doesn’t know how to love.
Yes, every man is different. Yes, every man is unique and made up of his own combination of nature vs nurture.
But what is the same for so many men who live in this culture of ours, who grew up in this culture and were programmed with all the best of intentions to be the man that men are "supposed" to be here, is that they’re not shown how to handle their own feelings.
These are some of the most sensitive men, and yet they've never learned how to be in touch with their emotional sides. On the contrary, they’re only shown how to push those feelings down, to be strong and hard and not express their feelings. To be instead the "Guy’s guy" or the "Man’s man".
I’ve said this all before – how the boy who’s not allowed to cry becomes the man who can't make an emotional commitment unless he learns the skills and the tools to acknowledge all of his emotions; he's never taught about what love feels like.
He’s taught that being vulnerable in love is a bad thing, instead of being taught that being vulnerable is what is required in a real, loving, intimate relationship.
So it’s no wonder that you sense he doesn’t really know how to love, to express his feelings confidently, to be sure of what he wants and what that looks like when it comes to love, when it comes to commitment, when it comes to you.
He doesn’t.
He’s showing you his truth when he’s still not able to define what you are, even if it’s been for the last 9 years.
9 years, Allie. 9 years!
That’s a long time for a man to STILL not know what you are. And so, like so many of us who’ve walked in your shoes for our own number of years know, what he’s waiting for isn’t really for himself to figure this out (because he has no idea when or if he ever will) but for you to figure it out for him.
He’s not hearing your words, Allie. He can’t hear your words. He shuts them out the moment they begin to feel like pressure to him.
Show him with your actions instead. Show him he can’t pencil you in and see you only one or two days a week. Show him you’re so much more than a mere convenience.Not because you’re playing a game with him, but because he literally can’t. Because you can’t! Not anymore.
Show him with your actions that you mean what you say and you’ll get that defining moment from him. But you have to first know that you really can’t do this for another 9 years or months or days. That matters, because he can.
He can keep doing this. It works for him.
He’s showing you by his actions over the last 9 years that this clearly is working for him. He's set in his ways. He doesn’t have to change. This feels comfortable to him and he shows you every single day by his actions that it works for him.
365 days each and every year.
He feels safe in his routine, comfortable in his predictable order of things. I could tell you all about the psychology of why that is in detail if we had the time, but it’s enough for you to understand that this is how he feels safe.
And feeling safe and secure is so very important to men like this, even if they go to great lengths to project their strength.
They’re not that strong. He’s not that strong. You’re actually the stronger one here, Allie, if you allow yourself to see that side of you.
There’s a reason you’re asking yourself “What am I really doing with myself?”
This IS a battle within yourself. It always is. We know what we know for a reason. We know that 9 years is far too long already, and especially when we can’t see anything changing even in another 5! That’s a potential 14 years you’re talking about here, with no realistic chance of change in sight.
Yes, you need an intervention here, but more than an intervention an infusion of love for yourself. An infusion of seeing yourself in a whole new light, as a beautiful young woman with such a beautiful heart, with so much to offer, so much to give, living for the dream of a man with so much potential who you’ve invested so much of your own life in over the years, finally giving you the definition you seek.
Until you can gain that clarity you’re seeking for yourself, you can’t be clear with him. Until you see that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by choosing you and letting everything else fall into place, you can’t be confident in any decision you might make.
You don’t have to live your life without him. You don’t have to give him up. This is your choice.
But what I think you’ve reached out to me for is to find that part of you that chooses something. Choose you or choose him, but make it your own choice. There are so many other men out there who won’t be exactly like him.
And then there’s him.
If he can’t take the pressure or responsibility of defining what you are to him, what else can’t he take? What else isn’t he capable of handling? What else isn’t he ready for, Allie?
I know you know your answer. I know you’ve already got it.
But what I want to give you even beyond my words, is the words of the women who have walked in your shoes, who are walking in your shoes right now. They’ve known their own answers, too. Hear them. Listen to them. Let them remind you you’re not alone.
And then set him aside for as long as you can. Don’t look for your answer from someone who can’t give it to you even after 9 long years. I know they’ve been long, Allie. I know you never expected a year or two or three more of waiting to turn into how long it’s been.
There’s no shame here for you, only love. From the very women who’ve thought that, too.
I’m here for you if you want to walk through this together.
Love,
Jane
I know you’ve got something to share with Allie, Beautiful. I know so many of you could have written her words. Tell her what you want her to know in the comments below. She needs your support right now.
I felt great empathy for you when I read your story. Believe me I can identify with your feelings of hopelessness and frustration. I think you know the answer. Nothing changes if nothing changes Allie.......and it looks as if its going to have to be you who makes that change. The change we know deep down inside our very being that we have to make.
I was never happy settling with what I was being offered either. Oh how I tried to be happy accepting the life being offered to me. But we cant.....we know its not for us.
I feel that you have finally came to your crossroads and you know that you cannot go on like this. Life is far too short and from my experience age creeps up on you pretty fast and before you know it you are in your 40s, 50s, 60s.........do you really want to waste your life with someone who isn't giving you what you want/need.
I am asking you for your own sanity to move on. Live your own dream. You are still young enough to meet a fabulous man who will make you so happy that when you look back you will be dumbfounded that it took you 9 years to realise that this man is not what you want, what you need.
I ended up with a nervous breakdown after three years of being promised this and that......hearing only what I wanted to hear......and ignoring the blatant red flags.
When you put your happiness in the hands of someone who can NEVER make you happy it will always end in the most painful way.......for YOU.
You are more than worth a life filled with goodness, love and appreciation. Go for it. Be selfish (in a good way).....be happy.....that's what we all want for you. You deserve it x God Bless You x
Wilma,
This was so beautifully written. I am sorry to hear what you went through, but thank you for sharing such wise words.
Not sure that it means you're not the one. Sometimes they'll turn to someone that's more safe.. as in not as attracted to and less likely to get hurt by.
It doesn't matter, Lugo. Why a person does what they do is immaterial if they simply aren't able or willing to give you what you need. It's simple, yet not easy to move on, but the point of the matter is they chose something different. It's just not you. This is not the person you want regardless of why they picked someone else. Knowing why changes nothing. The end result is the same.
Allie...it doesn't take 9 years for a man to know that he is inlove with you or want to spend the rest of his life with you. I recently got dumped by a man I was seeing for a year, throughout the year he's been telling me that he is not ready to commit..then boom a week ago he sends me a text telling me that he is seeing someone else, so all of a sudden he is ready for a relationship within a short space of time after knowing the other woman whereas I've been with him for a year and he was not ready? I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when a man can't define what you have or says he is not ready for a serious relationship/commitment he simple means that you are not "the one".. so he will continue enjoying the benefits of being in a "relationship" with you while he's still considering other options, and as soon as he gets what he's looking for he will leave you like you never existed in his life. Sorry for the blunt truth.
I've been there myself but with me it has only been a year, it's been a week now and I haven't heard from him even though he said he wants to meet and talk things through (after breaking things off with me via text)...
So my suggestion..walk away with your dignity intact, if it's meant to be he will come back to you, if not then you'll know that you've learnt some great lessons about yourself and you will definitely be wiser next time..all the best.
Mine is same story as everyone else but luckily only one year in and going out. Totally crazy about him. Has such a good, beautiful soul. And amazing sex like I've never experienced before. But the "good" stops there and the "bad" list is lengthy. At 50 I've never had anyone treat me so poorly. Is that what makes them attractive? "Hard to get" thing?
He changed our status constantly, every conversation is about him. It's always me doing sweet things for him. He's not close to anyone. I e read that we love what they could be.
Every time we get close or I feel a breakthrough he disappears for 3-4 days. I feel how he feels for me but don't think he'll ever take that wall down. It's breaking my heart to give up on him but I'm miserable. Other men ask me out a lot so I know I could go back to being treated great like I deserve. If I can ever get him out of my mind...
Recently, I watched "Manchester by the Sea" (on Amazon Prime) & found it a powerful analogy to some of the emotionally unavailable men I've known. The main character is in immense pain & unwilling/unable to deal with the pain of his trauma. There is absolutely nothing anybody can say or do to change him. If (Big IF) he ever allows life in again, it will be HIS chioce and HIS timing.
I knew a man who had beautiful potential. A sensitive soul, kindness, integrity, handsomeness. But he couldn't give me what I wanted either--- a real relationship. And I hung on to him for 9 years too, & tried everything. But it's not respectful to try to "fix" anyone---they are who they are and will change (IF they ever do) on their own timeline. You can simply accept them as they are or let them go.
Allie, you will not win this battle. I understand all of the reasons you stay, we've all been there and felt exactly what you feel. But know this is not normal. He may eventually commit to someone, but by the time he is ready, it most likely will not be to you. My last boyfriend was finally ready 54 to so. Once you break free of him and this pseudo relationship, you will undoubtably find the love of your life. I've seen it over and over and over with my women friends. When you look back over your life, you'll wonder how it was even possible you stayed so long. He can NEVER give you what you will need to feel content and fulfilled within a partnership. When you are ready, get out. This is never going to change.
The relationship leads by the man's foot. If he says one thing then that's that. women can choose not to follow, her choice. you don't have to stay in something that doesn't bring you happiness.
Hello Allie,
I can relate to your story because it is also mine. I've been dating someone for the past 4 years and we might see each other every couples of months. He can go months at a time without contact and when he reaches out to me have a whole bunch of excuses of why he is so busy. It was different in the beginning because we spent more time together but he keeps our lives separate. I've never met his family, children or friends and he has never met mine. I've reached my breaking point just last week when I realized that no matter how much I love him, try to please him and be everything he could want, I'm just a convenience and he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me only. It breaks my heart but I'm stronger now and I choose me first finally. I now know that I need to love myself in every manner possible to heal and move forward and I hope you can do the same. We hang on for too long hoping, loving and giving all to the one man who doesn't love us but wants only to use us. I haven't been in contact and will not reach out to him and when and if he reaches out to me, I will let him know that I'm done with well wishes. Believe me, when I say this will be very hard for me to do because I truly do love him. This life is too short to be miserable, lonely and depressed due to wanting someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. Please choose yourself now!