You’ve got your list. You know what you want this year.
Love.
Someone special to share your life with. And everything else. But nothing quite compares to love.
And finding him. Finally.
Right?
Ok, so there’s something we have to settle first. Something that’s been holding you back more than you realize, more than any of us realize.
We’ve been doing this so long we don’t even realize it’s what we’re doing. But we’re doing it all the time!
We’re mad at him, yes, or we’re mad at her or even them. But underneath what he did, this is the worst blame of all – the kind where we turn this on ourselves. Self-blame.
Follow along with me as we break this down so you can see where I’m going with this.
It starts when your friends, your family, or maybe just something you read on the internet tells you that you just need to do this, or that, or something else, and everything will be much better. And if you’re not doing it, or you don't want to do it, or it doesn't feel right to you, then there's something wrong with you right?
No one comes right out and says this, but it’s how you feel.
How you feel!
Ah, now we’re onto something even bigger. Stay with me, we’re getting closer to what I want to show you.
So if you just need to do something more or different or change something, then what does that say about who you are right now? What kind of messages are you getting here? That you’re intrinsically Ok, or that you’re not?
That you’re enough just as you are? Or that something needs to change before you will be enough?
See, this sets us up for failure before we’ve even begun. Before we’re even out of the gate!
It sets up a bar that we have to rise to, that we have to try to get to prove our worth. It sets us up on a never-ending cycle of proving our worth, proving we’re lovable, proving we’re enough.
But what if we already are?
There’s a little known secret that each of us was told when we first came into the world.
That we were enough. That we were worthy.
It’s ever since that day that we’ve been barraged with every single message to the contrary. That we’re not enough. That we have to do something different to be loved. That we have to change who we are. That we have to become something else.
All these messages piled on us one after the other all contribute to that well-known but little understood concept called our self-esteem.
It’s what makes you you. And when your cup is full, when you have high self-esteem, what you find out in the world is very different from what you find when you cup is running on empty and you have low self-esteem.
Even just saying that out loud – or admitting it – creates a different reality for us than if we recognize that we’re all whole human beings just as we are, that we’re not ever supposed to be someone’s culturally construed idea of “perfect”.
Rather it’s when we accept ourselves with all our imperfections (every single one of them!) that we discover we now have nothing to lose. Because all our cards are out on the table and we can be who we are instead of pretending we’re something else.
That’s how things change without us changing anything about ourselves.
That’s why even efforts to become something better or to achieve something fail because we’ve missed the point that we can never be successful coming from a "something wrong with me" mindset. Instead, we have to come from a "I'm worthy as I am". We have to get to a "I'm choosing something better" instead of "I have to become something better!"
Can you see that? Can you feel the difference?
That little change in mindset makes all the difference in the world!
That little difference changes everything, creates a shift, changes the momentum from one of forcing oneself to conform by becoming someone else's version of what we need to be, to our own version of what we choose to be instead.
That matters!
So now, I want you to take that list of what you want this year, of those things you desire, and I want you to make a plan for each of them that includes a choice to have them.
If you don’t have them, does that mean there’s anything wrong with you?
No, of course not.
And if you do have them, does that suddenly mean everything’s right with you?
No, again, of course not.
We have to stop seeing who we are and what we’re capable of in light of the path that someone else has set for us. We need to start choosing our own path, the one that we choose to be in, instead of the one that’s dictated to us by popular culture.
We have to make our own culture out of our own dreams and plans.
I had someone ask about starting the year fresh in a big way. As in, by moving far away and pursuing a different life, a different path, with new dreams and goals in a different place.
Not all of us can do this. But for all of us, I would absolutely encourage you to take a step in that direction wherever you are right now with whatever changes of scenery you can make.
For some of us, it’s simply seeking out new friends, or new groups or places of community where we can find more of the people who share our dreams and goals. For others, it might mean taking a chance on a new job or career move, or moving out to a place we’ve always dreamed of going.
You can do your homework and make a plan for your dreams to start coming true. There’s something about putting into action an a real plan for the future and then taking the preliminary steps to make that dream come true that really makes things suddenly start to happen. Doors start opening and opportunities arise seemingly out of nowhere.
It's the universe coming to meet you and help you get where you want to be. But you need to take those first steps in the right direction.
Once you do, the universe, God, the infinite potential, whatever you like to call it, gives you the boost you need. It wants you to be successful.
So whatever you can manage, I encourage you to find a way to bridge where you are right now with where you want to be.
Choose your steps. Choose your path. Not because you have to or because there’s something so wrong with being right where you are right now, but because you're the one choosing something different for tomorrow and the next day and the next.
In your heart of hearts, you know you were made for more than where you are right now - even as you accept that where you are isn’t something to get stuck on blaming yourself for. We wake up when we’re ready; and not one moment before.
You weren’t ready before. Now you are. Not because there was something wrong with you for not being ready, but simply because that was where you were. When you can see yourself in those terms, instead of the ones of blame and judgement, the world seems a whole lot nicer and a whole lot more promising.
Our next steps become so much clearer when we’re not fighting what’s wrong with ourselves along the way.
Ok, Beautiful. It’s your turn. Let’s get it out in the open so we can see it for what it is – and let it start to lose its power. You’re so much more than this! What have you been blaming yourself for? What feels like it’s so wrong about you? Share your story with all of us below in the comments!
Jane I'm discovering your blog and I have to say it's giving me life.
Self esteem seems to be at the foundation of everything really : job, relationships, abundance : who you are defines your environment and when we believe we are not worthy, we surround ourselves choosing people who project and confirm that belief and because it is so difficult for us to perceive ourselves otherwise, we don't believe the few people who tell us how amazing we are.
I have learned to accept compliments and believe them because I choose to say yes to abundance appearing in my life in any way shape or form.
But then what about when people agree that you're all types of amazing, you're this wonderful woman who people ' don't understand how you're still single '
yes indeed it seems maybe I scare them with all my awesome because who wants to be in a relationship with an amazing personanyway right ?
There is solace in thinking maybe if you fixed that broken piece you'll get your fairy tale ending. When they tell you you're everything you need to be and you're still not only kissing but falling for frogs who turn into princes for someone else , you do start to wonder .... maybe there is no fairy tale ending...
I read all the comments here and think we can't all be insecure women with daddy issues and yet our stories are so similar ...what gives ?is it something in the water? The air ? Our biologists ?
Were we all secretely born to be cat ladies?
Welcome, May. I'm so glad this is all resonating so much with you! You're so not alone. Remember that you can't scare away the ones who are truly right for you. It's the wrong ones we're too much for; never the right ones. The journey is figuring out who the right ones are for each of us and avoiding the wrong ones - without taking "rejection" personally! No, we're not meant to be cat ladies, we're meant to be all that we were born to be whatever that looks like for each one of us. And to find love along the way as we gain clarity into what it is we're actually looking for. Surprise; it might not be what you thought it was in the real world.
Keep reading. You'll find out more. Mostly our culture. Definitely our hearts. And yet, always hope. From my own "success" story to the stories of all the other women here who've learned to embrace their culturally determined "too-muchness" as well, we find a place our hearts can come home to. That's why we find our way here!
Your words resonate and I can hear the reasonable explanation of he just wasn't right for you.
I struggle to accept it though. The fairness seeker in me wants poetic justice : all these supposedly wrong men are somehow married and found someone who generated in them something I couldn't.
I have never hurt anyone or disregarded anyone's feelings though I know I might be emotionally aloof at times. I don't understand how people hurt other people, get away with it and still have a happy ending with love and flowers while we are here googling how to get over a broken heart and am I secretely stupid how could I be made such a fool of.
And these other woman just show up and get the best of a man you had so much faith in because you could see it in them.
And then we speak of right ones but I haven't met a single right one in over 30 years but many not so right ones - it feels like the lottery really and considering my luck in games : I'll say I'm kinda screwed.
I'm in no way trying to downplay what you say and I do believe it applies at times but I just don't believe that we all have a match: some of us are just lidless pots and the hardest part really is holding looking for a lid that was just never made because it turns out honey you're not a pot you're a salad bowl ..
I might be confusing with the pots and salad bowls but you know what I mean.
I met some guy last week who wanted to be in touch with me because apparently he was all oouuhh aaahh'd with me - barely makes an effort in conversation and then out of nowhere starts trying to video call me at ungodly hours : and I'm sitting there shaking my head thinking I just can't do this anymore.
I wanted someone deeply and it was unrequited, and my visualization and positive thinking couldn't do anything about it. Now he's married and committed even though he said he struggled with that the most.. all the things we were supposed to do together he does with her and I have to be okay with that and I will .
Loa says it's my fault for not being aligned vibrationally, psychology says it's not my fault It's my relationship with my dad, society says I'm too much and I'm from a not so attractive minority, my friends and family say it's because I'm intimidating and it takes a real man and there are not many apparently, strangers say it has to be me i shouldn't be single or I'm surrounded by idiots and of course the most popular is : you haven't found the right one.
So in the end it's everyone and nobody's fault and A lot of is luck.
I just find life such a cruel bully at times this way .. it's disheartening - especially since it's the 3rd time this happens though this time is different ... this time I actually saw myself with him and thought this could be my happily ever after finally : life kinda owes me a break at this point.
Sorry I'm pmsing so I'm in pity party mode and I'm really tired of this pattern in my life.
I'm a salad bowl and i need to start being okay with it. Like for real this time.
oh but you've hit on something big in here, May, albeit in a salad bowl. Except that it's anything but a mere salad bowl. In fact, it's the most beautiful salad bowl I've ever seen. Embrace that salad bowl, go deeper into it until you wouldn't take anything over being that salad bowl. Then take that beautiful, unique, one-of-a-kind salad bowl and run with it as if your life depended on it - because it does! It's then and only then that things begin to change! For real.
None of this, May, none of this is your fault. But if you've been told you're supposed to be a pot and you need to find a lid, it's going to feel like everything's wrong with you for being a salad bowl. You're such a beautiful soul who's been spending way too much time in places that have no clue who you are - that only know how to recognize the value in pots and lids. They don't know what you have to offer or why you're the one who gets it - all of it - and not the other way around. Don't you dare sell yourself short! This isn't all there is or all there's ever going to be for you! You've got all the poetic justice you need within you. And don't stop there; you've got all the power in the world you need when you align yourself with the salad bowl you are instead of the pot you're not and will never be. And more importantly, were never meant to be.
Thank you Jane, your reply really resonated inside me and brought me to tears.
It's so easy for some of us we question ourselves when so much there's so much work is required for us to manifest the same thing.
And on the quest we forget ourselves thoroughly trying to be more like the others because 'it' whatever it is worked for them : but doing that has the same result because we're unauthentic. Plus now we forgot how to be ourselves ... and you come along to remind us...
I was never meant to be anything else than a salad bowl... but I was busy trying to be a pot because they seemed to be happier , I was busy Falling for lids with whom it just can't happen because lids don't go with salad bowls.
It's extremely isolating but freeing too... to finally understand that I just don't belong where I have been looking. Thank you for that insight.
That's why I'm here, May. Your words could have been my own in a different time and place. And do you see this part - to finally understand that you just don't belong where you've been looking - that doesn't mean there's ever - EVER - been anything wrong with you, it just means you were looking in places that couldn't see you, much less the value of that beautiful salad bowl you are? That's huge! Now you can release it, you can let it go, you can stop all the trying, all the striving to be what you were never meant to be. You're more than someone else's mold - literally in this case with the pots and lids and bowls! And lest you miss this part, how creative of you to have chosen that - see, that's how much you feel this and what's underlying it all if you allow yourself to. I thank you, May. For being open enough to engage. If you can be this way more often, you'll make it so much easier for someone to see the real you. Vulnerable? Absolutely. But aren't we always this vulnerable no matter how much we pretend not to be?
May. You and me. Man, I could have written every word you just wrote.
The only thing that made me cringe was the "no so attractive minority" comment. I'm what people dismissively would call a social warrior, and I too am in a minority. Don't ever belittle your own. Ever. No matter what others say. That's you bullying yourself and your own just because you don't fit some ridiculous standard. Minorities have their own beauty and it's time we see it regardless of the world out. I'm a rarity and I'm ok with it. I too was abused emotionally and mentally because of being different, but you know what? That's their nastiness, not mine.
Embrace yourself. I'm also a salad bowl.
It takes a bit of time to embrace ourselves, but we get there. Slowly, clumsily, but we get there.
I felt your words as mine when you said it wasn't fair some people are flat out awful and yet they get their happy endings, whereas people like you and me that go out of our way to spare people's feelings and not hurt anyone have to try too damn hard to get to a peaceful state in life. I see it all the time and because of that, I stopped believing in justice. It doesn't take a genius to see it doesn't exist. Just read a newspaper and it'll be hard to deny.
The only thing we could do is still live by our values and be just and fair to ourselves and others regardless of what the world does. There's no other way to be at peace.
Hi Jane,
I have become "bitter" and pessimistic about the hope of finding a true loving relationshis. But today, after reading your email/blog, I have been touched deeply by your comments in regard to self esteem, self love...the true yeast that raises the bread that nurtures our lives.
I found out that I still have things to learn from you, to try, to fail, then to fail better.
Thank you, and my best wishes for a brand New New Year for all of us.
Angela (Quynh Nguyen)
I'm so glad, Angela (Quynh). So much hope! Thank you for holding on, for staying open to seeing something more. I'm so honored you're here and ready for more! Thank you. I wish you a beautiful, full of surprises, wonderful New Year!
The self-blame is a constant and it nags at me almost every day. Lately, I've been doubting myself because of how difficult it is for me to make friends. I notice a pattern in most people I meet. We have a nice talk, we exchange numbers, we might go out for coffee or whatever, and then I notice that if I'm not reaching out, they don't reach out at all. And that's that. The only person that was consistent with contact ended up not being very open to talking about things that were deeper than "everything is great and yesterday I did this and that". No heavy stuff please. And it frustrates me. I prefer deeper talk than small talk and I figured after going out more than three times, she'd be willing to start going deeper into who we are.
I keep thinking I cannot even make friendships. I promised myself to stop begging people and just let go if they don't initiate when I'm not, but sometimes I feel like it's always going to be the same. I wish finding the people who are right for me were easier. But I have this resistance to keeping making the same old mistakes of chasing and making others more important than myself. I feel a bit lost at times.
You and me both, Angel. The key is to save the depth for the ones who you know you can go there with - even if it's just one person. Limit the rest according to your tolerance level without it getting you down - or coloring your world. This took me a long time to figure out - for years I believed it was me just being too much. But the more you engage in the areas you're passionate about, the more you find others with a similar passion that translates into depth. As an example, I hadn't been to an animal shelter in years - I couldn't get out of there without crying every time when I was younger. But when I recently had a reason that took me there again, I found some of the most beautiful "depth" people I've ever run into. Just one of the many places I've found this over the years. There may not be a whole lot of depth on the sidelines, but in the midst, there's depth through and through. Where would you feel "found"?
Jane you have been an inspiration to me all throughout 2016. I was scared in a relationship that was so toxic. He left me but I realise it was one of us had to leave. Jane this man beat me. I still didn't feel worthy. When he said he was leaving I begged him to stay. However Jane. I've really been reflecting on who I am why was I so willing to accept such blindly obvious disrespect. I didn't know my power. Something clicked Jane I was a broken little girl whose daddy didn't care enough who grew in to a broken woman. I got so tired of being down begging for love that was at the least mediocre. I had no other option but to look closely deeply at why I was so willing to sacrifice myself for love. Jane. I don't know where or how I reached this conclusion but I woke up on day and said no more. Today I'm happy and I love and appreciate myself I am a goddess... I'm not fully healed but I will no longer let a man choose me or I will not accept scraps from anyone's table. Today I have my voice. I will no longer be silenced or dumbed down. You my dear have been part of that journey.
oh my God, sorry but you need to learn self love, write affirmations every day, I went thru domestic. Violence too but I didn't wait for him to leave me, he'll no, iam like Jenny from Forrest gump and Julie Roberts from the run away bride, I dumped him, next time build your self esteem up and have self respect and leave him
My heart goes out to you, Kim. Thank you for sharing from your place of strength. We could all use more of that.
Oh Belinda, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I don't know how you found your way here, but I'm touched and honored to have been there for you when you were reaching out in your pain. Thank you for sharing, and for your beautiful, inspiring words. What you've overcome is hard, it's real stuff, and I hope you're so proud of yourself for just how far you've come. Your voice IS your power. And only when we have no other options but to look to ourselves for our answers that we find what can never, ever come from anyone or anywhere else. Always here for you!