Like so many of us, I used to wonder what was so wrong with me.
My relationships all started out with such amazing potential, only to end in utter heartbreak. I couldn’t understand why it kept happening, why he always changed from what he was in the beginning.
I was convinced there must be something wrong with me!
What I eventually came to realize was that he didn’t change at all; it was that I had created an image of him that he simply couldn’t live up to.
Of course it wasn’t only him. No, the truth was that I knew nothing about being real either.
The only way I believed it was possible to be loved was to become what someone else wanted me to be. I had to crack their code, figure out what it was they wanted from me and then become exactly that.
I knew of no other way to be in a relationship.
I was an image, too.
And so it was only natural that our relationship was an image; that he – and what he could offer me - was an image.
It became my secret project. As long as I saw his potential, as long as he gave me some hope of what was possible, I hung onto that hope, believing that at some point it would have to work.
Until it didn’t.
No wonder the heartbreak was so great. I was mourning not only the loss of a relationship, of what I thought was love, but the loss of a dream, of that perfect image, that perfect relationship, I had created in my own mind.
I was always absolutely certain he was everything he had the potential to be, everything I had him made out to be, if only he’d been able to live up to it.
I never saw him for who he was right there in front of me; instead I saw who I knew he could be if only he wanted to be, if only he could see it too.
It wasn’t only heartbreak; it was pure failure. To me it meant that I wasn’t enough to make him want to be that man I knew he could be; the man I needed him to be.
No wonder I was left so confused. The real person he revealed himself to be in the end had been so buried under the image I’d made of him, there was no hope of recognition.
Since I had no idea of what it meant to be real, to be true to myself, there was no way I could allow him to do the same.
When you’ve lived your entire life struggling to be an image of what someone else wants you to be, nothing is ever as it seems. You learn to substitute the source, but the result is always the same. Never what actually is, but always what you believe it has the potential to be.
We lose ourselves in that image, in those plans, in those dreams that are all about trying to find ourselves, even if we don’t see that until it’s too late.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
If it’s real, if you’re real, you’ll eventually see truths that support the ephemeral words. Real life behaviors and actions that reveal who someone really is, not merely what you want or need them to be.
Have the courage to give up the image in exchange for the only kind of love ever worth having; the real kind. That’s something that no image can ever live up to, no matter how amazing the illusion may be.
How about you - have you ever made the mistake of falling in love with someone's potential, instead of seeing the relationship for what it really was? Share your story with us here in the comments!
Hi Jane,
Well, I suppose I'm a pretty lucky reader and client. But I will add my two cents worth here and reassure both the men and the women that what Jane is saying is absolutely true. But hold on your readers will be saying, if this IS INDEED true, how can they and the many other readers have had the experiences all related above. How can a woman or a man truly be worth it only to have the other person end it seemingly out of the blue or string them along over an extended period of time, only to have a conversation periodically where they have to demand an end or a commitment and this cycle continues over and over ad nauseam.
The truth is, each of us has to stick to our guns. And while it is simple for me as a person who is very fortunate enough to have been in a very real and very loving relationship to be saying this, the reality is that it is all so very true. IF you can control your emotions and feelings and keep your social programming in check and simply let things go in their natural order, then the reality of "what kind of relationship do you really have" will be answered for you in due course. You have to be willing to stick to your guns and not give in, no matter what somebody tells you. I can tell you that when I was younger, I would tell a woman anything she wanted to hear to try and get it to go in the direction I wanted it too. Now at 50, and having the experiences that I've had, I'm willing to take my time with a woman I'm only starting to get to know. And I mean we've only started communicating via email with on eHarmony. All I care about at this time is seeing if I can have a conversation with her and get along. And while things might go really well and turn into a number of great dates, the simply truth is that it'll take at least 6 months of getting to know her to really see if we want to stick out together to see if there is a foundation for a real relationship between us. I guess I bring this up only because you have to be willing to have patience and sticking to your own values and when you do, you'll see that all that you thought were negatives about yourself were truly your greatest assets and that it was all worth the wait. Don't be in a rush to give yourselves to somebody who says they're in it with you for long haul for one night of sexual bliss. It truly isn't worth it. Don't be in a rush to give away the greatest advantage that you hold over a man so easily just because he begs and pleads with you and says everything you want to hear.
Carmel I don't understand how someone tells me I am thee only one then they cheat on me or they don't want to know me
C
,,My relationships all started with such amazing potential ...'' at least you have had relationships. What should someone do if they can't get a relationship or a date even?
For sure - - I've been there. And it wasn't a happy place. I was depressed day in and day out. It took me a long time to become who I am today...learning to love me for the good person I know I am. He still destroys my well being once in a blue moon - - - as I have to see him through my job. Unfortunately, I have to deal with all that and much more every day. I go home at night wishing things could be different with my job, with him. I know deep inside it can't be...that what I thought we had, what I always wanted with him ----- is long gone. We are friends and I do care for him more than anyone could ever know, more than he could ever know. Him and I made a huge mistake and now, at least, I know that I am paying for it. He has told me that he feels bad too for what he did to me...that we made a mistake, and now our friendship is better for it...but that makes me feel bad, as if I have to share the blame for his shortcomings. I do blame myself, but I really don't think he realizes what he did to me. I'm not a young girl, and he led me to believe that we had something good going on. He was my strength every day for a long time and a big part of me doing well at my job. When it came crashing down, it destroyed me. I literally got sick and ended up in a hospital room with my heartbreak. Awful, Awful time!! So glad I'm doing better and so glad I worked it out. I toughed it out and I am proud of myself for that. It wasn't the first time in my life I had to get over something, or specifically a heartbreak...but so glad I did once again. I know I am going to be okay, even if I have bad days still. I am currently starting to do the things I LOVE to do. I am taking care of me better these days. I am finally becoming me again ------ heart and soul!! My advice to anyone going through it, no matter what age---- is mourn, cry, eat ice-cream, and then get tough. Start working out, do something or lots of things you want to do. Spend time talking to someone, anyone, even if it is yourself. I had no one to talk to...literally no one, because I was his dirty secret. Of course, I didn't like it, but when the crash came, I had no one. I couldn't tell anyone at all anyways. So I got stuck working it out on my own. It's probably why I got so sick too. So if you do have someone...then talk it out. Confide in someone that doesn't know you, if you have to, but do it because it is important for your health. And yes, you can be like me and do it yourself, but trust me, it's a very difficult process....you have to be up for taking those hits day in and day out. And you can be strong, but I'm just warning you what you will be up against. It's not easy. No one said it would be easy. Heartbreak is never easy no matter if you are a 16 year old girl or a 60 year old woman. Just for the record, I'm neither, but I will tell you..I am older in my 50's. I've been around the block a few times, as a radio DJ pronounced on her show once, and I just love that saying. Most of all, I am experienced at much in my life....another one of my favorite sayings, Wisdom comes with age. It is so true! And mostly because with age we experience so much. It is absolutely true that with each heartbreak, we get stronger. I never mind saying that I am a strong person, but somehow it reminds me of the scars and how my heart has broken. I kinda just let it go in one ear and out the other now. I don't have time anymore to be sad. I have a life to live. I have family that means the world to me and I hold an important job with a lot of responsibility. And even though I had to go through a most recent heartbreak--- AGAIN ( I think, when will it stop for me...when will it get better for me) I still seem to make it through the days and nights, and come out stronger every time. For that I am thankful ---- for that it's worth it to go on and to be the person I am...to be my true self. God Speed ya' all! Don't ever forget who you are and what you are made of. That is one lesson I learned intensely. God Bless You!! Love, Lora B.
Yes this exactly what I am doing now and the past 3 years with the same guy with an on and off relationship. Everytime I tell him this is it, I can't be treated like this and try to end it, he diapers for a while and then comes back saying he will change but he doesn't. I want him to treat me like he is in love but I never feel that love. Just stress and disappointment. I feel like I am always telling him how he should show me he cares. I feel like a nag. It is a vicious cycle I can't break because I do love him. But it is the potential not who he really is.
I just can't close the door but it making me feel sick inside.
There's a Bob Dylan song called "Seeing The Real You At Last."
http://bobdylan.com/songs/seeing-real-you-last/
It's written from a man's point of view, but it could be a woman's point of view, too (-:
The man in my life now found me. I wasn't looking for him or anyone else. He was kind and respectful for 3 years, and I wasn't ready for him. I didn't know how to react to kindness and respect. What I have learned here on this website is such a gift. He is being himself, a real human being, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs that he isn't afraid to share with me. I am still learning to be myself through what I am learning here. He appreciates me most when I am myself and still I find it difficult to let him know who I am. It is such a beautiful November day. I am at peace with myself more than ever before.
There is another Bob Dylan song called "Beyond the Horizon" with these words:
Beyond the horizon, in the springtime or fall
Love waits forever for one and for all.
Thank you so much, Jane, for helping me as I become the woman I was created to be, worthy of love. No matter what happens in connection with this dear man, I love myself. No one can take that from me anymore. For that I am grateful.
I was so "crazy" about this guy and thought I loved him. But I was "in love" with the infatuated image of him I had created in my mind. He just wanted to be friends because he said there just wasn't a "spark". But he found a "spark" with a girl he use to work with years ago and left me devastated. I thought "WE" had something. But it was "ME" who had something. A fairytale image of love. I've met someone else that seems very nice and Im determined to be real and take it slow. Thanks for your help
This is me. I have had a string of guys al turn out to be less into me then i was into them. I found myself making things easy for them, morphing into what i thought they would like and watch their interest wane as the months went by. I hit rock bottom last night. i reached out to the last emotionally unavailable man i had dated telling him i wanted him back because i still had feelings for him while hoping he had feelings even though all he talked about was missing the great sex we had. Turns out in the 2 months since we broke up he found someone that he is already serious with but would still like to "hang out" with me. Last night he told me he was going to stay at her house and would call me today then he shut off his phone. I sat there wondering how i got to the point where i would actually entertain the idea of being someone's side chick, their dirty secret when i was always the one who was considered the prize back in my younger days. What had happened was i had stopped loving myself. Im old, im a single mom who has her son full time. I realized i think of myself as damaged goods and now make the men and their needs the priority or else they wont want me. Well they dont want me anyway and last night sitting there on ice while he was sleeping with his girlfriend i realized i had given all my power away and wrote him a long text saying im nobodys back up plan or 2nd best option. Doing that gave me the most self respect ive felt in the last couple of years. I dont know how to quiet the voices telling me i need to take what i can get because im not as good a catch as i used to be but i am trying to figure it out with books and websites like this. I want to love me again.
Wow, yes this certainly hit home. I was seeing or together with this guy who I love but we are no longer together today. It started out good but soon after his real self showed and I put up with it thinking he is going to change he loves me and he'll change for me and also he knows there's something wrong. It never happened. I accepted scraps from him of what he could give hoping and praying he would be getting help and becoming this man who he said he was. Turns out his addiction to the bottle and pills won over. He was incapable of loving me albeit loving himself or anyone else. The words I love you did not match his actions. I called him out on his behavior but he is in such denial it was always my fault. I wanted him to go into rehab but he wouldn't go. It's sad because he got worse and my last conversation with him he stopped talking to me because I told him he was angry and ornery and didn't talk nice to me. Instead of saying sorry he wouldn't even talk to me. This has been 7 months and it's finished. I wasted my team on a hope and a dream that never happened. I wanted love so much I was willing to accept the unacceptable and there was never an apology nothing. So yes my heart aches I let myself go to someone undeserving of my love and realizing I deserve better. I pray for him and yes I made the mistake of accepting his bad behavior but it's done and wow if he loved me he would have at least apologized but it was not love just self- centered behavior and selfishness. God has better for me.
Yes, I made the mistake of falling in love with a man I met online almost 4 years ago. We had chemistry and a good connection on our first meet which was scheduled for an hour but lasted for the rest of the evening. We both didn't want it to end due the mutual attraction and conversation. He asked me to be exclusive after 3 months of talking and dating and I was elated and accepted of course. We lasted for only 3 weeks after due to my image of him and our relationship and all the effort I put into trying to make myself perfect in his eyes and always available. He ghosted me 4 times afterwards since we've been seeing each other off/on over the years. I just decided after our last hookup that I was done with this. I'm done with allowing myself to be used and taken for granted. I'm tired of pretending and day dreaming about something that only exist in my mind. He has no respect or regard for me. I'm 49 years old and thought by now that I would be in a good monogamous relationship but that is definitely not the case. I'm sure that he is seeing other women but that's not the issue. My issue is that I really had strong feelings for him and it's hard for me to let it go completely but now I feel if I don't this will break me apart. Thanks Jane for always discussing topics that I can relate too.
He was painting a pretty picture and pretending to be someone he is not but he couldn't last out for long because the true him was revealed.
I can relate to this with my last ex. It started off being friends with him for 1 month 2 years ago and in dec he felt like he was more in love with me but I didn't feel the love with him. I told him I want to get to know him in the first 6 months n see what happens & he said "I can't wait that long" then asked me to go on a date with him n asked me out, it was so hard whether to say yes or no.
After I said yes he was really in love with me n still didn't love him but was pretending to love him. Back at the time i was 26 n he was 22. He wanted everything n I wanted to take it slow. We lasted for 6 months n broke up after my birthday. I saw my ex last month briefly on the changed n he's moved out.
This year there's been this guy who's been bugging me and who's obsessed with me and has acted needy to me on FB and has a crush on me but never met him in real life. I said to him "it's impossible to have a crush on me" n he said " it doesn't matter" he's 30 and I'm 28. He's been talking more romantically like "touches your hand", "kisses you on the lips" and he asks me if I want to secretly date him n I said no. He really wants to meet me n I thought of getting my best friend along so it's not awkward for me n make sure it's not a date. My BFF is ok with it and he says I hope we can hold hands when we meet and I told him to talk to my best friend first so she can see if he's suitable or not.
I have men act needy on FB and act romantically n act they are desperate to find love but I'm not. I don't know how to stop that?