Our gorgeous reader, who has called herself "So Stuck", is exactly that ... so stuck. She just doesn't know what to do.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
First of all, thank you for your website, it has helped me in so many ways... This community you've created is making me see I'm not alone, thank you!
I need your help, I'm stuck...
I've met this man 15 years ago, we became friends. He had a girlfriend at the time and he married her, they were married for about 15 years and separated last year.
They got divorced around the same time we started talking again.
We started going out and it was perfect... For about 6 months... For the next 6 months my life became pure anxiety until he broke it off - we were together for a year.
We were planning to live together, get married, have children... the whole package. We wanted the same things. I couldn't be happier.
I've never met his family.
He was already part of mine, my family accepted him as a member already. But his family wasn't ready to meet me yet, he said they weren't emotionally ready yet after his marriage felt apart.
And when they were finally ready to accept me he said he was the one who wasn't ready anymore, he was too afraid I was not the one. Even though he said he never loved anyone like he loves me, but he was just too scared to get hurt again.
And I was patient. I put my feelings on hold to try to understand what he was going through and wait by his side for things to get better.
I wanted him to know I was there for him because I truly was, I didn't want to hurt him.
He had horrible tantrums a few times when things didn't go the way he wanted. For example, we were supposed to have dinner at a friends house and at the time we were supposed to leave he said he didn't want to go. I said ok, dinner is being cooked just for us, can't cancelled in such a short notice, so I'll come back to meet you after. He said ok, but didn't speak to me that day anymore.
One weekend I was at his house and my parents invited us to go to church, I wanted to go and invited him, he said he didn't feel like it. Ok, I'll met you later? Ok. He didn't answer my calls anymore that day.
When he finally replied he said if I'd rather be with my parents than I should stay with my parents. He said he felt like and idiot waiting for me at home alone.
He didn't speak to me for 3 days. And when I called he broke up with me. Said he was hurting me too much. That he needed therapy to learn to deal with his feelings.
It's been 3 months and now he wants me back.
He says he was traumatized the way things ended with his ex and now he understood his feelings and they are pretty "simple".
He says that he's not willing to take some risks anymore in life and the biggest one is to be abandoned again. He wants to be the most important person in my life and he won't accept anything less. Is that simple.
The person that ends up with him will be the most important person in his life and he wants to feel the same way.
He needs to feel he can trust me.
Everything he did before on our relationship was because he had felt abandoned.
He feels that his ex abandoned him. He says he felt used, that she only wanted him for children and once he gave her that she left him. (his side of the story, I don't know her...)
So he does want children but will only accept to have them when he feels secure enough he will still be the most important person there.
He said he doesn't mind that I go to church with my family, that I do anything with them and/or my friends... he only doesn't want to share me when is HIS time, his turn. And he wants to feel, to know, that he's more important to me than any of them.
He JUST wants to be more important than my mother, my father and any future children we might have.
I feel so confused now.
I felt horrible this last few months, I was so happy with him, we were going to get married and have children... My life was on tracks.
I was a good, caring, loving, patient girlfriend for a year. I still don't know what I could do differently to make him feel more secure from now on. I didn't do anything to make him insecure and still he said he tried but couldn't trust me back then. And now he does.
I know this is not about me, these are his traumas of a past relationship talking... but I can't help wondering if there's anything I could have done, that I could do.
And on the other hand I do not want to waste years of my life on someone who's not worthy.
How can I know?
If this was a friend of mine telling me the story I would advise her to run! Go, read Jane's blog, you will learn that love is not meant to be this way.
You are a good, loving person, you deserve to be happy, to feel you are enough the way you are.
I know that, and I am exhausted of all the emotional roller coaster of this relationship.
So why am I not feeling free? Why am I still wondering if I could be happy with him?
He's a good, trusty, hard working man. He has no addictions, we agree on how to manage money, separately and as a couple. He wants to marry me and have children.
This should be my dream come true.
So why it isn't? Why am I confused? What did I do wrong? I can't let him go or stay with him... I need your help Jane...
- So Stuck
My Response:
Dear So Stuck,
This sounds like a man with a LOT of baggage.
A lot of deep, deep stuff that you can’t help him sort through. That’s where his therapist comes in.
And while it’s great that he was willing to look at this part of himself and get the help he needed, your hesitation now at him coming back and wanting you back, is completely understandable.
There’s a reason you’re not feeling free.
There’s a reason you’re wondering if you can be happy with him. There’s a reason this doesn’t feel like your dream come true. There’s a reason you’ve got that doubt inside. There’s a reason you would respond to yourself “run” if this were someone else’s story.
We’re all human.
We all bring a certain amount of our own baggage, our own programming to our relationships no matter how much work we’ve done on our own, no matter how much therapy or awareness we’ve gone through.
We’re human!
And we’re living a very human life. So the lens we look through is going to reflect that very human past that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly! It’s ok, though, because this is the reality we all face.
You obviously need to know more before you can move forward. That’s why he’s back. He’s giving you the gift of getting to know yourself better. He’s showing you something more that you couldn’t see without going through this process within yourself.
It’s been a roller coaster!
You’re absolutely right to have some real concerns about whether or not moving forward with him is actually viable. And healthy. And in your best interest. Don’t be afraid to go there. Don’t be afraid to question what’s coming up for you.
I’m hearing some “shoulds” coming up for you.
Like "you should be grateful he’s back and wants you back". Like "you should be happy he’s a good, hard-working, trustworthy man, with no addictions and you have no money management issues between the two of you". Like "who do you think you are that he wants to marry you and have children with you and you would dare to question this?" These types of shoulds.
Sound familiar?
The point is, there’s something within you that is questioning this – and him. The reality is that there is some real nagging doubt within you that makes you unwilling to just move forward and thank your lucky stars that he came back and wants you back.
There really is something going on within you that needs to be looked at before you jump back in here with him.
Now whether this doubt is a self-fulfilling prophecy or a self-sabotaging kind of doubt where you subconsciously don’t believe you deserve to be happy, to be free, to be loved, to have someone offer you everything he’s saying he has to offer you, is something to ask yourself. But that’s not what I’m getting from you.
I’m sensing a fear that he hasn’t really changed. I’m sensing fear that when you’re married with children and this other side of him rears its head again, the stakes are going to be so much higher and it won’t be as easy as it is now for you to walk away.
And this is true!
Things get more real, more intense, with the stakes so much higher when you’ve got a marriage and innocent little lives on the line. So you have every reason to be concerned.
How do you know? How will you know? First, above all else, listen to yourself. Listen to your gut instincts. Listen to that little voice deep inside you that won’t go away. Ask yourself each of the questions you’ve asked me.
Answer honestly, answer truthfully, even if you hear the ensuing “should” to counter it as you listen to your own answer.
You have to live with all of this. You have to be able to live with him for who he is. And yes, that does mean all of him.
He’s given you a lot of red flags in the past. And yet, the past is the best indicator of future behavior. Yes, people can change. But only if they’re doing it for themselves. And only with a great amount of work, and a lot of forward and backward steps along the way.
Don’t decide anything right away.
Your best indicator and your best protection for your beautiful heart and soul and the future of yourself and your future children, is to take the time to wait, to watch, to observe, to give it enough time that you truly believe what you're seeing is what you’re going to get.
There are no guarantees, but there is time to observe, time to listen, time to be true to yourself and discover what all these questions that are coming up for you are trying to tell you.
If he’s the one for you, he’ll go your pace. He’ll let you take it slow. He’ll let you be true to you.
And if he’s not, if this change isn’t real, if he can’t do this no matter how much he claims he can, this is how you’ll know that, too.
Take a step back. Breathe.
Find a quiet place within yourself that tunes out every other voice except the only one you can ever really trust – your own. And most of all, quiet the “shoulds.” Now what do you hear? What decision brings you peace? Where are you when you find your place of calm? With him – or with you?
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of wisdom, encouragement, or advice for our gorgeous friend "So Stuck"? Share them with all of us in the comments!
I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and give me an opinion.
Jane's response and each comment has helped me A LOT at this time of my life. I really needed it. Thank you!!!
To be blunt, I see 3 things going on here I'd like to share with you. First, it sounds like you were the rebound girl, dating him so soon after his divorce. It's a good rule of thumb to not date a divorced man until he's been divorced for a couple of years. Especially after a 15 year marriage. I don't think it's possible for someone to be ready for a serious relationship so soon after a divorce. Second, I see signs of a potential abuser. The feeling "abandoned" when you spend time with other people, wanting you to make him #1 in your life even above children, punishing you with the silent treatment when you do spend time with others, the push/pull dynamic, etc. If you continue to date this man please proceed with caution and look out for other signs of abuse and google signs of an abusive partner and the cycle of abuse if you aren't familiar with it. These "tantrums" you are seeing now are a taste of what is to come if you stay with this man. Third, sounds like he is dangling marriage and children over you like a carrot to get you to dance to his tune and put up with stuff you shouldn't be putting up with. He is also trying to dump all his emotional baggage onto you and make it your problem. To me it's clear what you should do but you have to get there in your own time. I would do Jane's class and check out Natalie Lue's baggage reclaim website where she talks about unavailable men and why we get caught up with them. Don't let your desire for marriage and children cause you to stay in a bad relationship way past the sell by date, thus making marriage and children more difficult for you to attain. Time is our most precious commodity, once it's gone we can never get it back! Good luck.
I'm so happy to read all the competed I'm gone trough on the some things lots of promise but never delivers I'm very confused don't know what to do lots off but that's all
À weird idea came to my mind after reading some comments, saying things like "run", " yaiks" etc...I wanted to share with you to see what you, girls, think. Are we, single ladies, just plagued with "happily never after" syndrom? I called this phenomenon after a cartoon movie, where Cinderella finally gets to go to the ball and meet her Prince to only réalisé that she has absolutely nothing in common with that loser arrogant Prince and that the perfect guy for her is actually a dishwasher, who really loved and cared for her all alone, but she would never even consider him as a potential mate.
Don't we all think that we are entitled to a perfect hight status Prince, with lots of money and hardly any flaws only to réalisé that this perfection, that we are looking for does not even exist? And even if it existed. This is just not what true love is all about. True love is not found, but grown. True love is not about finding a perfect person. It is about accepting and caring for an imperfect person with all his weaknesses and flows.
In a country, where I come from, there is a tradition. On a certain night of the year a single girl puts a well, made of matches under her pillow and it is believed that when she sleeps the night on that pillow, she will see in her dreams her future fiancé. So, following that old tradition one night my grandma has put the well under my pillow. She was curious what I am going to see. That night I saw one of the most terrible dreams! I saw myself on a crowded bus and on that bus a sweet looking, but handicaped guy on crutches was trying to grab on me because he could not stand on his feet. I first pushed him away in fear, calling him something like " crip", but then I realised that he can not stand without my help. So I gave him my hand and I was holding him untill the bus reached the stop, although I was feeling shocked and disgusted about the whole situation. Then I got off the bus and found myself lost alone in the woods. In the morning I woke up crying. Clearly, such a dream did not promise me nothing good. However, even though it was only a stupid dream, and many people think those dreams can not be interpreted literally, I believe there is a lot of wisdom in it. True love is not just about finding a perfect guy. True love is about providing love and support to someone, who needs it. And if you can't accept it, you won't be happy.
There are dire consequences to both kinds of thinking: wanting the man to be perfect and thinking that love conquers all.
There are many ways to go about something and every single person has to decide for themselves what they call love and what they truly want.
One thing is seeing his imperfections and being able to live with them, other is seeing his imperfections and trying to change him because deep down that's not who you want.
It's not about perfect, true, but it is about perfect for YOU. And it's not about true love accepting someone who definitely threatens your own well being because of gigantic issues, like it is apparent in the letter writer's situation. True love is making sure your needs are not neglected or put below someone else's. It's about finding that imperfect human you can accept in full, who also accepts you in full and who loves you for you and not because he needs you and whom you can love exactly the same way in return. That's what healthy is. Two equals, two people who work to make it happen and who want and are able to be together and grow together.
Hi Nina,
Maybe you are over thinking the dream and it really is your subconscious fears playing out ( in my opinion). To an extent though I do think you are right about what we are looking for.
Last year January I made an actual list of the qualities I valued in a future partner.
That year I had two eu men, I started reading this site ( and still love doing so reminding myself how much I've grown) after the first.
Before dating the second eu, I met my boyfriend whom I dismissed because honestly the guy I was dating was on paper "hotter", I didn't want to get to know this new guy, I thought he expected me to want him ( v well educated and successful) and so I blew him off.
When the second none eu relationship crashed I flipped a coin asking if I should actually give him a shot and I was upset when it said yes ( I'm odd with coins although not do much anymore)
Later we met and I decided to at least get to know him.
Now I know he actually is my person. Our characters are aligned, our values, our desires, our hobbies and it has felt right from day 1.
Initially I was just trying to get to know him so I really didn't make a massive effort to be desirable instead I was friendly. He made a massive effort to prove his value to me which now I cannot believe I couldn't see.
I look back at my list and he checks every box I wanted, including the superficial ones cause it turns out he is pretty disciplined and has gotten back in shape.
So in my opinion this worked out for both of us because I was ruthlessly myself and didn't over glorify his achievments,
The more he made an effort the nicer I was but even though I've done things "by the book" before I didn't bother this time. I believe some of the rules have become a part of my psychological fabric so I'm not really following a rule anymore.
I knew I was more confident because after the two eu men as
I realised there is always someone else if you are willing to follow your gut. My gut got me out of a lot of harm and my gut has kept me deliriously yet realistically happy with my boyfriend now.
So maybe we do look for superficial standards and maybe we don't but I think all that matters is we are true to our instincts and try different things to access the outcome for ourselves. I think whatever is important to you matters however how someone really makes you feel trumps that.
To be honest all I've learnt in my dating history is our gut is our guide to saving ourselves from harms way. Never rationalise away that feeling. We live and breathe for feelings, all your feelings are valid as they are an indicator of something being wrong when you feel so, when they stop indicating "run", you are where you were meant to be.
Also all the relationships I look up to I'm my personal life have given me the same advice.
Relationships are meant to be easy. If it's a struggle or a fight it's not the one. Everything matters, what you both want at that time, where you both are but ultimately if you cannot be yourself with someone when no life drama is in the way, what will happen if something really tragic happens in yoir life? How will you support one another if you cannot be yourself?
Follow your gut everyone.
Good to know that there are people, finding what they need. And I think it is only possible with the right attitude. And perhapse ues, easy is right. Do not firce the impossible to happent or try to fit together two people, who do not fit, keep an open mind, and the right one comes. Yet, I think this kind of ease also comes due to ability to live with some flaws. After all you did accept it initially that he was not matching your list on some superficial qualities, and with time it improved. I do believe with such acceptance people can change. People get naturally adjusted to each other over time. But acceptance of superficial flaws and the right attitude do not come naturally to everyone. There are some ladies, who would be so set in their mibd on someone, who dies not care, that they would not even give a chance to a new guy. And there are ladues, who would see the bew guy, and if he would not look on the first date exactly what they expected they would assume he is not her type and dismiss him too soon. Or, if he would on the surface look right, they would just jump on it, assuming after the furst date that the deal is sealed. But you keep your mind open and give things time to develope and you do not force things to fit, when they won't. I think this might be the attitude, that makes it easy.
And then again...it is easy to have it easy in the beginning of a relationship, when both of you are young and good looking, full of strenghth, no kids to take care of, no mortgage and bills to pay, no illness or major loss to deal with...but you know married life will not always be roses. So if you are having it all easy with your new partner right now, perhapse it is not necessarily a good thing. Cause you have no clue how it might be very different when things get tough.
Speaking from experience "run for the hills" there is nothing worse than being in a realtionship with someone who dosnt trust you and is very insecure this usually ends in abuse. This is why i divorced my ex. Youre not his "therapist" move on and thank your lucky stars you didnt marry and have kids!
Value your self worth and maybe get therapy as accepting this is a sure sign of your own insecurity.
My ex almost destroyed me i left with little or no confidence and its taken me along time to get it back.
Insecure men are my main problem but i am not attracting this type anymore which says alot about me and how much ive moved on.
I just wish id left him sooner!
Hi Jane,
Your reply is so empowering and real. I am blown away!
Excellent!
You are the voice women are aching to hear and trust to believe in themselves.
Thank you, Dena
Thank you for these beautiful words, Dena. It's why I'm here. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
I foolishly let him back in my life but my gut instinct niggled at me all the time telling me something was not right. The first time I called it off because to me it felt as tho he still needed a single life, regular nights out with the lads, lads holidays etc. He never took me away in the year and a half we were together, we very rarely went out and he used to have many female friends, he also made so many promises but never delivered. Anyway he promised me that he'd change and give me more and begged me back. So I took him back and unfortunately he didn't change. We were getting on ok for a while. And out the blue he became distant and said he's not sure about us. He said I was so perfect and he's not. So basically over a two minute telephone conversation he ended things with me. I know he has a lot on his mind with his work and family but I felt I deserved a better explanation. But the fact the he could just leave me after so many promises he'd made left me feeling really hurt, empty and foolish. I know now that I would always follow my gut instinct because if I had I would not have had to go through this pain. So my advise is if ithe doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I would also like to say that Jane really helped me heal the first time we broke up and I'm sure her advise will help me again. x
Jane, Is there anyway you could write an article or if you have in the past direct us to an article about the difference between legitimate doubt vs. that self-fulfilling prophesy/self-sabotaging doubt? It would be much appreciated 🙂
I think every doubt is a legitimate doubt. If you have it, there is a reason for it and no relationship can be free from all doubts (unless you are an idiot in pink glasses). The real question is how you deal with those doubts. Do you just panic and ruin your relationship or do you try to understand and resolve your doubts with your partner.
But I am still curious what Jane has to say.
hmmm, not sure if I have one that goes into detail on this subject. I'll see what I can find and if not, I'll get you one soon! Thanks for the suggestion, Julie! 🙂
My advice is don't marry him! I married him anyway even though I had doubts. And all the red flags are an indicator of who he really is. What you see a little becomes a lot when you marry him & live with him. That is the real him. The advice you said you would give a friend is " your intuition " your inner self who knows. I had a child with him & it's hard on the little one. I feel guilt everyday that I didn't leave him sooner & now my little boy has to live through this. I'm also in the middle of should I stay or should I go .... But the truth lies in the feeling of doubt. We should feel good, calm and confident that our life would be a happier life with them... Not doubting & questionning
The worst part of having children with these men is it makes it harder to leave, and your decision isn't based on what you want and need, but the needs of your child. I know what you are going through. Hang in there, take care of yourself and your son, and the day will come when you know it is right to go.
Thank you Sometimes we just want clear answers lol. But when we grow up without the knowledge of self respect ...we get into situations like theses. Instead of knowing from the beginning when someone is not right.
Hi,
It seems so many of us have gone through this, me too. A lovely man who even went as far as wanting us to live together (lasted all of two months) before he decided to leave the relationship. Initially blaming me, but not actually saying what I was supposed to have done, then a year later making contact, saying it was all his fault and wanting to try again. Like you, I did not know whether to say yes or no, but missed him enough to feel like I would me missing out on something special if I said no. After all, when we were together it was perfect. So I said yes, this time due to life we were four and a half hours from each other, it made every meeting special and he started to talk about a future together again. Then ten months in, he finished with me again, this time saying it was all his fault, he did not know what he was thinking and I had done nothing wrong. We just spilt, I would not say we had agreed to stay friends, but we were still on each other's social sites and I felt like he was still in my life. A month later, yep, he did it again, asked to try again. This time it lasted all of three months and I finished it. I have to admit I was not being strong, I finished it in a fit of frustration, I was getting fed up of our arrangements being broken because one of his mates wanted to do something; the final straw was when he asked me to go on holiday with him and then a few days later told me a female mate had booked them a holiday and he was going with her. I know there was nothing going on between them, but I felt hurt that once again I seemed to be the second choice. So in frustration I told him I was not happy with how he was treating me and did not know if I wanted to continue, his response was he had done nothing wrong, he had not asked his friend to book and pay for their holiday, he was not expecting it and obviously we were not right together. He wiped me out of his life. I spent days blaming myself, thinking I should have been more understanding and I should not have taken things personally. True, he had not picked her over me, he was presented with a paid holiday - what was he suppose to do. At the end of the day after starting Jane's course I am learning to accept that we were just not on the same page as each other. To me the problem was he had hurt me and even though I told him that he did not seem bothered and that fact hurt me more than him going on holiday with a female friend, he said it was all in my head. At the end of the day, although I believe he was faithful, he did not want a full time girlfriend, his emotions would not go to that, he wanted me but wanted his single mate's lives as well.
I think you have to follow your gut feeling, I am glad I followed mine even if it turn out not to be the right choice, what it has done was made me look at me. Before I was greatful he had come back to me, but I am learning I am worth more than being there for someone when they feel like it and standing back when they want a break, only to take them back again at their desire.
If we are not on the same wave length as our partner, not wanting the same things, without thought for how the other person, then it is the wrong relationship. I hope whatever you do it is the rights thing for you, it might not be the right thing for life, but as long as it makes you happy and you can learn from it - that is learn happiness in yourself and know you are worth genuine, uncontrolled love, it will be worth it. All the best
Jan x
Yikes! A lot of baggage indeed.
He definitely has a lot of soul searching to do.
This all sounds very controlling. A person that needs to feel like the center of the universe to another person is definitely not healthy nor husband, let alone father material.
You're absolutely right in having doubts. His speech sounds flat out scary and it's a writing on the wall.
Don't question what you could do or could have done. You cannot save anyone other than yourself. His issues are his to deal with, and no amount of trying on your part will ever make him feel better. The problem, the fears and the insecurities are all inside him. He creates them.
As others have already pointed out, he needs to take a long hard look at himself and take responsibility for his baggage and he has to want to take care of himself.
You're not happy because this isn't the man anyone pictures themselves with to start a family.
I am actually going to take a wild guess and say his issues date way back to before he ever got married.
You're not his cure, his fix, nor his doctor.
I noticed a theme through out which I see a lot with my men these days lol it's all about him his fears his insecurities his likes n dislikes and how you can make him feel better.now as he's working with a trained therapist which he truly needs he kind of shamefully says it's not all you then slams you down with firm boundaries of yes you can go to church with your family n raise your kids you'll have but by god you better not do anything that makes him feel less than first always.who could really do this?what if an emergency comes up w anything from your kids to your dog?!thats when all hell is gonna brake loose n his unhappiness will b put on you.no way it's unrealistic n down right impossible.frankly it's selfish to put you in this painful position.hes not ready for a relationship with you or anyone n plenty of therapy will b needed.if you really have to stay make sure his therapist can provide a chair for you too cause you're gonna need it.
I am completely with Jane on this one. If you can neither let go nor committ right now it is exactly because you should not be doing either. The time is not right for it yet. Give it a little more time and perhapse one day the answer will be clear. For the time being take things slow. Explain it to this man that you do have feelings for him and that he is certainly dear and special enough to give it a try, and you definitely appreciate his love and all he is willing to give to you, but you need some time to reflect before you gove any major promises and you still have a couple of issues to work out with him. You have to make sure he will not require constant validation that he is the mist important one in your life and get completely neurotic and psychotic about it. Because guess what? When you have a baby for quite a while everything in your life will be about the baby and he may not always feel like he is the mist important one. He needs to get over himself or go back abd luve with his mom.
In fact it totally looks lije this was exact the same issue he had with his ex. He thought she loved him, while he was the only child in the family and she was putting all her time and energy into him. But once they had other kids and she no longer coukd give him her undivided time and attention he assumed it was because she never really loved him. She just used him to get the kids. Ridiculous, right? But as rediculous as it may seem a lot of men have exactly the same syndrome. And in some cases they may be right. There are some women out there who completely stop caring about there spouses once they start caring for kids. It is a situation, requiring understanding from his part and a delicate balance from her part. She has to give most of her time to kids, but she still needs to make her spouse feeled happy and loved. You need to thoroughly ooldiscuss it before you committ to having kids with this man.
I'm in this same space as this woman is.
To be honest I don't think this man is completely ready for a relationship. One can see a counsellor all they want but if they are not doing the work nothing will change. Until he actually sees and accepts the role he played in his relationship breakdown he cannot and will not heal and be able to fully move on. Give yourself time and really think about what you are really questioning
I know this because I dated a man long distance for almost a year who would not look at his part in the demise of any of his relationships. Sees a counsellor but doesn't do the work to heal himself. Has so much built up anger.
He played the victim card so well. I saw the potential in him if he would 'let go'.
His ex hurt him and now instead of keeping his heart open he closes it when things get real, creates stories in his head that he will be hurt and ends up fearing the future with another woman.
Pardon for how brash this sounds but I am a believer in that the woman should do what is best for her. This guy has problems. He sounds very jealous and controlling and does not want you to have a relationship with anyone else. I am glad you picked up on the fact that you only have one side of the story, I am sure if you spoke to his ex-wife, she would have a completely different outlook on why they divorced. In my experience men don't change, they say what they mean and they mean what they say. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. He says he want to marry you and have kids with you, right? Well then why didn't he? Men are hunters and go after what they want, if he wanted to marry you he would step up and claim you. I don't think it is fair that you put all of this time and effort in him and be patient for him and give him everything he wants but he is not giving you what you want. He also seems to hold the divorce responsible for A LOT of his problems. He has fears because of his divorce, he is emotionally unavailable because of his divorce etc... Is he going to blame this divorce for everything? Is he going to cheat on you because of the affect the divorce had on him? Is he going to loose his temper and not talk to you for days at a time because of the divorce? People need to realize that all you can do is move forward in life, I am not saying that this divorce hurt him and he has some insecurities, but living in the past and hating on his ex-wife is not going to change the fact that it did happen. All he can do is accept that it happened, learn from it and look at the silver lining. If he never got divorced, then you two would not have the opportunity to be together. Like I said before, I apologize for being so brash, but I am at my wits end with men who promise women the world (I have also been a victim to this) and don't deliver. Yes, he came back to you but I bet a large part was because of his control issues. He probably wants to see if you will take him back, how much control he has over you. This is VERY common habit of emotionally unavailable ego hungry men, I am sure we have all experienced it before. If he is upset about the divorce as he claims to be and has the fears he is telling you, it does not matter what you do, he will always have issues with commitment. There is nothing you can do, he needs to work out his demons on his own. I agree with Jane, make time your friend not the enemy. You were with him for a year and look how he started acting, whatever you do, don't jump back into things with him. If you do decide to give him a second chance, make him work for it and prove himself to you. Remember that ACTIONS always speak louder than words, anyone can say I love you, I miss you, I want to marry you but if they are not actually making it happen, then they are full of it. You come off like a good person so whatever you do, I IMPLORE you, don't settle for anyone that does not make you smile and be happy with your situation.
I agree with you about the divorce excuse. If he hasn't gotten over the divorce, then he shouldn't be dating this poor woman on and making her miserable. He obviously has no concern about her feelings. And what is the bs about him wanting her all to himself when it is "his" time? He is a controlling pos and will make her life a living hell if they do get married. His ex-wife was smart to finally get rid of him. He is just dating this poor woman. Imagine his behavior when he actually "owns" her (since that is how he will see it. )
She should be thanking God, the universe or whoever she likes to thank, that he showed his nasty, messed up colors before she was stuck raising his offspring.
I took the guy back the second time who worked for it with actually buying an engagement ring and promising everything! Hearing all the things you want to hear when they come back into your life. everything was going great till he realized he couldn't commit which for him was 6 months later for him to tell me it was 2 months after that. So even if they work for it to come back into your life doesn't guarantee that you will have the wonderful future with this man that you dreamed of. Be thankful you only gave up a year on this guy. I gave up 4 years! Not all bad but wish I had seen the red flags with the commitment issue sooner. You do have time on your side but seriously I wouldn't give this guy another chance. He has a lot of issues with the controlling thing and not contacting you for days that just isn't ok. Good luck to you I think you gave him enough of your time and your patience stop walking on egg shells with this guy. Life shouldn't be like that.
Well said Vera.
I find that all too often men and I am sure many of us women will put ourselves out there when we have not dealt with our own baggage. It is very frustrating especially when you have put in the effort to put yourself in a place where you can be open to relationships and have them. It is also very frustrating when men and women turn a blind eye to their own demons and challenges. That is a sure fire for failure. If both parties are not on the same page in a relationship ship it will eventually disolve and one if not both of you will be hurt.
I also find in today's fast-paced society of social media there is more of an agenda attitude or sense of entitlement attitude. Very rare is it to find someone who is authentically genuine.
Do yourself a favour; love yourself first, be true to yourself, face your demons and embrace life. It is an easy task, but you will find peace of mind.
I am in the same boat and was told the same stories of a great future, yet at the same time, I was put aside if I wasn't "Perfect". Nah, we both need to realize our value and let go of these men who aren't worth us putting our beautiful selves in line for their less than beautiful treatment. They are the problem not us. We both though do need to take a self-check why we let ourselves be treated less than though. All the best to both of us on being the strong and lovely women that we are.
Run!!! Follow your instincts and don't look back! This man is not ready for a healthy relationship, and you should not waste your time waiting for him.
Yes! Run like hell! Love doesn't confuse or hurt you! This man needs help. You need to move on. Sad ending to the story ... But sad only for a while. You can find happiness with a healthy man.
This guy is a head case. He had no right to drag you into something when he was not 100% in the right frame of mind. It's not you. He has no sense of decency.