Last Friday’s post generated a lot of valuable conversations! I want to thank each and every one of you for having the courage to speak up and say what it brought up for you. Now you have something more to work with that you didn't have before!
What did I mean about the difference between following someone else’s advice or particular rules, and making them one’s own? Why was there so much confusion about this vagueness, and why is it actually a very good thing?
Well, let me first back up.
When you reach out to me, there’s a reason. You know there’s something you need, and even though you don’t know what that is, you sense you’re close to an answer and just need that personal response to get it.
When I read it, since my ultimate goal is to help you avoid what I’ve been through and had to learn the hard way, I’m looking for what you’re really asking or what you really need from me beyond just the words.
Since I don’t know you well enough to know all the details, I have to read between the lines on some of what you’re saying to try to get a sense of the real you, and what might be going on for you that brought you here in the first place, and why you might be reaching out with the problem you’re having.
So, unlike my clients who I’ve gotten to know really, really well, I don’t have the benefit of that relationship with you.
I read through your story a few times and get an initial sense of what you need from me. I sit with your story. I sit with what I’m hearing from you.
And then I picture you. It’s then that the words flow.
I try to feel you. I try to sense you. I try to hear that little girl inside you that you may not even know is there.
You see, what you come here for is advice, the “how to” of what to do in a particular situation. You want to know how to find the love you’re longing for. You want to know how to make your dreams come true!
You come here for hope, for strength, to find the courage to keep going and not give up when it comes to finding the love you know in your heart of hearts has to still be there for you.
But there’s a two way relationship here that’s essential to making this work. It won’t “work” if you’re not doing this work yourself. It won’t magically happen if you’re not making this your own.
And what that is, you have to be willing to look at. What you find yourself resisting is almost always the very thing you need to embrace. The same place you find yourself avoiding is almost always the very place you need to go.
This is even more the case if you’re finding yourself falling into a particular pattern. You sometimes can’t see what you need to see until it happens again and again and yes, again.
We never want it! Ever!
And we especially don’t want someone to point it out to us if we’re not yet ready to see it. But until we do, everything else we think we’re doing – like following the rules, or going along with someone else’s advice – won’t work because we haven’t yet made it our own.
So how do we do that, you ask? How do we make it our own?
We do it by asking ourselves the big questions. And they’re usually the ones we’re scared to ask because it's our honest answers that will make us feel oh so vulnerable.
Because what if you really are needy?
What if you really are that clingy, insecure, scared little girl deep inside who’s supposed to have it all together?
What if you really do need a man to make you happy?
What if you really do believe your love can be enough to save him?
What if you really are scared that he won’t love you if you reveal what’s really going on inside your heard?
We have to first be willing to admit who we are to ourselves before we can have the type of relationship we want. Oh we can play the games, go through the motions, keep doing everything we’ve ever done.
But at some point, we have to show up for real, not just with the fantasy image we’ve created of ourselves and him and our relationship, but with the reality of who we are, who he is and what we really have.
That’s real!
And it can be pretty scary if we’ve only been following someone else’s script to get us here.
Look behind those rules. Look behind all the conflicting and confusing advice. There’s something there for you to see. Especially if you’ve been here before!
Not all men are players. Not all men are jerks. Not all men are only out for one thing. A lot of them are, but a lot of them aren’t.
Focus on what you want, what you know is out there for you – and be clear with yourself that you deserve that - and you’ll find exactly that.
It’s not as hard as it feels!
When you free yourself from all these rules, all the conflicting and confusing advice, you emerge! Don’t make this harder or more complicated that it is. Shed more of what isn’t yours, more of what was never yours to take on, and you reveal more of you. That's how he finally finds you!
How to do that is by looking at your ingrained beliefs, looking at your “shoulds”, looking at all those unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and crawling out from under the weight of them.
See that? There’s nothing to hide behind!
Ok, I know this is heavy. I had no idea my last post was going to get so heavy but what it showed me is that you’re ready to go there.
If you need help with this, don’t hesitate to reach out to me and let me know how I can help you. I’ve been right where you are and I understand what it feels like to be so close - so close! - and yet still not there.
That you’re even seeing vagueness is an indicator of just how close you are! Before that, you wouldn’t have even stopped to try to figure it out.
Let’s walk through this together and create a new story, with a new ending that includes your very own happily ever after!
What do you think? Are you ready to face the reality, even if it's uncomfortable? Tell me where you're at on this, and share your story with us in the comments!
Hi Jane, i like your article very much but i have a question about neediness. You suggest ''if you are needy,be needy'' in the course too. I wonder how can someone be needy and confident at the same time? When i feel needy i feel very powerless. It feels like i don't have any control and my happiness depends on someone else's mercy. Neediness vibe always makes people wanna run away. People get more attractive when they don't feel needy. How can we embrace neediness when it causes us so much trouble? Or should we embrace it?
Embrace it, Gizem. Accept it, embrace it, turn it around to the other side of it. What other qualities do you possess because of this part of you? What beautiful part of you is right there behind it? It's in these new concepts that give you reason to pause that the life shifts happen. There's something that happens when you embrace these qualities, something that makes everyone else's reaction irrelevant and yours the one that matters so significantly more than anyone else's ever could. Sit with this, see what happens when you turn it around. Don't worry if the answers don't come right away. They will!
I care, i have the ability to open my heart, share my feelings and needs fearlessly. I think i can embrace that 🙂 Thanks Jane!
I knew you could, Gizem! 🙂
I love how those prior posts strengthened the way in which you articulate what you do in such a beautiful way and I'm loving the way that everybody is responding that is building conscious awareness in the group. It's like watching consciousness unfolding.
I'm finding myself enjoying reading this transparent sharing even though I'm not looking for or in a relationship right now because I love the alchemy here. I'm in a weird place...for years I looked for someone to complete me, then really looked within and found so much wholeness and love. Now I haven't been seeking, perhaps not even open to relationships again and wondering if this is 'normal' but knowing that it feels right for me at the moment. I feel connected to everything and everyone and I'm enjoying seeing consciousness unfolding and miracles like this site that allow such transparent processing and allow everyone to be. This certainly did not occur when I was single and seeking, I had to figure a lot of this out alone. Gratitude to this 🙂
Hi Ruth, I think it is very normal what you are going through. You just went through a series of "figuring things out" for yourself and it sounds like you found "peace" within your self. I find that to be a huge accomplishment. Stay there but pay attention as you go out. Notice people, see what they are doing and you might find someone you find attractive. You aren't desperately looking for someone, you are just paying attention.
I like how you found "wholeness" within yourself and replaced it with "trying to find someone to complete me". I honestly believe that no-one will complete us. We complete ourselves and "they" join us to make our lives more alive.
Good Luck!!
Hi Virgo Ellie,
Thank you so much for your encouragement and resonance with where I am at. I like how you framed it. Things will be very different now. It's a really new feeling for me and I'm enjoying it. I definitely did used to unconsciously need something from men and now, you are right, it's new to navigate potential relationships from a different space of awareness as I've taken a lot of time to look within and know myself, be the 'one I was looking for.'
I think I will be more liberated when I next meet someone who I'm drawn to. I can't see that I will give up a great relationship with myself for an average relationship with someone who doesn't treat me well again.
So much love to you for your caring comment.
oh Virgo Ellie, I couldn't have said this better myself. "I honestly believe that no-one will complete us. We complete ourselves and "they" join us to make our lives more alive." - Yes, yes and yes!
aw, thank you, Ruth. It is so beautiful to watch this unfolding when one has walked this path, too. It is such a "weird place" as you say, when we've only known one belief system, one type of programming, and then to see it for what it is and discover our own truth within ourselves. Follow exactly that "wondering if this is 'normal' but knowing that it feels right for me at the moment" (italics mine) - you've described so aptly the trepidatious path so familiar to my own journey. Only when we're ready, Ruth, and not one moment before. I'm so honored and grateful that you've found your way here! 🙂
Thank you, Jane. I love your page so much. Everything you are doing is coming from such a space of love and as you hold the space here, so many people are making brilliant discoveries from their own truth and learning an growing.
I feel really supported by your comment. I'm at an amazing point in my life where I'm about to take a leap of faith toward my own soul mission and birth some 'creative babies' that could not have come if I hadn't felt wholeness, if I'd only chased a dream with a man as I previously did, rather than placing all my bets on myself 🙂
I grew up being surrounded by and only knowing the story of giving power over to a man and it took me ages to realise that I was playing that out; now I see that more awareness is coming to all of us that we, as women, are highly valuable, precious diamonds. We need not seek diamonds from anyone else, only unveil the diamond that we are. I really admire the work that you are doing here in empowering women and conscious awareness. There is so much transparency here.
Thank you, Ruth. It sounds like an exciting time you're ready for! 🙂
I let go & broke all the rules & now I'm engaged! How thankful I am to have found you, Jane. Please keep doing what you're doing; it changed my life! And now I am marrying a man who is the one I've been hoping & praying for, God's match for me!
Congratulations Beth!! What rules did you break?
Yes , do tell .
Beth!! I am so, sooooo excited for you. Actually, you've got me tearing up as I'm reading your words here because I'm remembering the very first time your name came up in my email, the first time I met you, getting to know the beautiful woman behind the name and email address, and then your updates along the way. oh I'm so happy for you!! I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You deserve every beautiful, wonderful thing life has to offer you and I'm so thrilled you've found the one who's been looking for you all along!
I think it all comes to 'being on the same page'. It doesn't matter who text or who calls when two individuals are on the same page, it comes naturally and it feels natural, you don't have to question everything he does. But when you or your man (or even both of you) have "issues" whether it's about commitment, trust, selfconfidence etc. that's when things go...you know where.. otherwise we woudn't be here...
But I believe that when two people really and genuenly want to know each other, and are not commitment phobes, it's not difficult and heart wrecking. Of course relationships aren't something to take lightly and there will be conflicts, and should be at some point, because then you see can you figure them out together like adults or does one flee and take the easy way out.
I'm sorry for my english because I'm foreigner but I hope you get my point 🙂
That is true. Being honest with one another is so important as it builds trust. But when you find that their words and actions do not coincide then there is doubt that sends those 'red flags' waving infront of you. Do you approach and ask him or do you just walk?
I asked the guy I was dating, he said he took care of it so I trusted in his word, forgave him and never checked to see if it was done. But since we broke up I am finding out how he didn't value honesty on his end but always expected it from me.
Through all of these things I am discovering about our 8 month relationship I am still having a very hard time letting go of him even though we haven't talked at all in three months.
This man taught me so much about myself. I think he triggered every insecurity I had and instead of running from them I faced them head in and have become so much stronger and wiser.
Just having a hard time opening my heart to the prospect of someone else as I really did fall in love with this man.
Good for you Confused! I went through the same thing. Although I could never go back to him I will always love him. It was the best relationship for me.
What happened? Did he walk away or did you?
He was distancing and I was wanting a little more variety of communication not just texting and not even daily as I didn't feel we needed to talk everyday as we both have kids/jobs etc.
He then didn't talk at all for about five days. i sent him an email telling him my frustrations about not hearing from companies where he lives as I applied for jobs I order to move there. I still wanted to keep this relationship going long distance until I moved there so we can try in person. I know I probably said some things I shouldn't have.....emotions have a way of making things come out wrong.
He sent me an email saying he was on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Feared being hurt and feared things he couldn't control. Thanked me for being patient with him. Said he loved me. Been three months and haven't heard from him at all even after sending one email in that period. He has been active on two dating sites but has since his his profile. So if has found someone else I can only assume.
Well said Jane! You must receive a gazillion questions. Very true, you don't know them unless you have been working with them consistently over a long period of time.
I also agree with the harsh reality that a lot of women blame men for their sadness when in fact it is just them being ng saf about themselves. We have to accept out faults, be vulnerable, be hurt and learn from it. It is a beautiful transition when we look at men we date as good lessons. Unless they were physically abusive then we have discount that a little.
I have enjoyed the pain I have experienced with each man I have been with. I am still working on myself. I give my self 2 years.
Glad you posted your comment.
I just find so many things a double standard in the relationship stuff. It's ok for the guy to be texting or whatever everyday from the beginning but when the woman may want to carry that on it is us who is being clingy.
The guy tells you he fell in love with you. You say you love him too and poof he vanishes.
He asks you to move to the area because you are distant.....both look for jobs for you and you get overwhelmed because you aren't getting much response. So you feel him becoming more and more distant. You try to hold it all together.
Your intuition is telling you something is off. Do you walk away? Will he vanish for good if you do? He tells you he needs space and fears being hurt and totally vanishes! You are left stunned. Blame yourself. So how is this fair and how do you get over your broken heart ? How do you allow someone else into your life after that without the fear of that happening again?
Wow .... Yes exactly ! I would love to hear Janes take on this .
Hi Jane, thank you once more for the amazing post.
When you mention that maybe we need to ask ourselves the big questions, and get to the core reasons why we come to you for advice most of the times, and the part where you say we should find out if we really are clingy, needy, need Men in our lives to be happy.. Etc..... This right here has just made me realize that I'm too scared to find out, maybe it's because I'm scared of the answers that I might get, so by not asking myself those questions I end up doing things that are farmiliar to me and maybe following some other people's rules instead of following my own heart and being authentic to ME.
The whole process of finding myself is so scary for me, I now realize that maybe I am needy, and maybe I do need a Man to make me happy, maybe I am clingy.. Etc, but like you and the beautiful women always say this is a journey to self discovery and we should live it on one day at the time, yes we might make mistakes of falling back to the same old patterns but the important thing is to acknowledge those mistakes and be able to move forward.
Like I am still stuck with my guy who can't seem to want to move the relationship forward and how he still communicate with me only through texts on a day to day basis and how I keep on hoping that he will finally see the light and want to spend more time with me, how all his convo is superficial and not as deept as I would want it to be, and how he told me he was not ready for a relationship and still when he texts me he make it seem like he's interested in me, I know one would say just walk away, cut him off, don't contact him and all, yes it does seem an easy thing to do, I sometimes also think it's not so difficult, but I tried it before and I found myself falling back to the same pattern.... I just hope one day things would get better than this.
Thank you laidys once more for your beautiful words of wisdom and thanks Jane for being there. God bless!!
So true so true ... I find myself doing the same things . It's not that I see myself as needy but I may be a bit clingy because I want things to work out . I don't need a man to fulfill me as I have so much other good things in my life . I try so hard not to be that clingy person trying to make things great bc I don't want to chase a man . It's a struggle a real battle not to reach out and try to make it right make sure he's ok . If he values me and misses me he will reach out , if not then I need to just let him go . Thank you everyone for your posts . As I read each comment it helps me see things about myself and my relationships .
You ladies really don't get it. There is no such thing as too clingy!! what is too clingy to you? do you send a text/tweet/fb message every 5 minutes? If no, then you are not clingy!! get it out of your head!
You know why he doesn't contact you? because you don't contact him! guys get tired of always having to be the one to reach out! so they get distant of course. Would you want to be the only one initiating contact??
Send him a text! he'll be probably happy to hear form you. Sheesh guys are not that complicated.
Elisha . Yes they can be complicated . I am someone who has initiated contact , texts , phone calls and affection . He ran the other way once I did . Prior to that he was the one . I wanted to show him that I was also interested and even did in sparingly in the beginning . So no it's not about the woman holding back and not doing anything .
If he is complicated then he's not for you. Go next, he wasn't interested. It's ok. When I met my current boyfriend over a year ago, we both texted every day, plus phone calls. I initiated too, he didn't care. We were on the same page, it wasn't complicated.
I communicated with him, I said I liked phone calls because it's more personal. Go ahead, initiate with the next guy too, don't just sit back and do nothing.
Exactly what I did . Moved on . Thanks for the encouragement . I won't accept anything less than being valued and respected . He was not honest and that doesn't work for me . Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but it's the best thing to do .
I can understand D, it does hurt. Give yourself a little encouraging pep talk, I found that worked for me in the past. I moved on a lot faster. Remember, there is nothing wrong with the woman initiating a text. I'm not saying do this every 5 mins lol. But you get the idea, move on from hot and cold guys. Remember to tell him (in a kind way, not angry) what's on your mind, and how you like to be treated. He can't mind read, this way it becomes early on if he is on the same page or not.
Good luck in the future! 🙂
Thanks Elisia
I've been following this thread and listening to all the comments . I know I always have to over analyze every little thing . I know my guy is not interested in pursuing a relationship . But yet I wanted to know why . I feel that if I know then I can be better prepared for the next one that comes along . I don't like unanswered questions . After , letting the guy who was distancing himself for almost a week . I sent a hello how are you text . And asked him about keeping the friendship . I did not expect to hear from him and was expecting to never hear from him . The next morning bright an early . I got a text that said hi . I did not want to text back right away and I waited a few more hrs . When I did say hi back ... He did respond again . Then we ended it . I was glad to have the response . I'm trying to not think anything of it and just glad he didn't ignore me again . In the meantime , I'm talking to other men . But as usual I'm wondering why he didn't ignore me again ? Any input I what to do now is appreciated .
D, it doesn't matter why he did or didn't do whatever it is he did or didn't do. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
You cannot keep in mind any answer of his for the next man, because guess what? EVERY MAN IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
Stop thinking there is some sort of formula to follow so that others like you. There isn't. The only thing you can focus on and fully control is you based on what works for you and you alone. Figure out what makes you feel secure, what makes you tick, what kind of thoughts and beliefs you are having and why you're behaving the way you are. That's what matters and that's how you find peace.
Much much love to you.
I get you, I was that girl, but I stopped torturing myself once I understood there are no rules. You cannot do the wrong thing with the right person for you.
You are exactly right angel . You cannot do the wrong thing with the right person !!! Thank you angel .
Elisia, guys call it "chasing". Not too clingy but wanting them when they aren't ready. So you contact them and they run.
So what if you are clingy? What if you are needy? What if you face that, accept it and question why it's wrong or where it comes from?
What if you sit down, meditate and ask those questions and let your soul answer?
You'll find reasons and you need to be loving and compassionate towards yourself.
People are as needy as their unmet needs. Think about that. What needs haven't you been getting met throughout your life? Start with childhood, the little girl. Start right there. Be compassionate to you, tp to that little girl. Listen without judgment.
This was beautiful. Especially after all the intense conversations from the last post. "Behind the rules, behind the conflicting advice." -- There's so much there, but it's SO tough to GO THERE sometimes.
I remember when I first started coming here, I was so afraid to actually admit that there was something deeper going on inside of me, it made me feel uncomfortable because back then I would just beat myself up and blame myself, finding another reason to just abandon myself.
After using Jane's programs and chatting with her, I remember once I peeled away the self-criticism, blame, and excuses to not actually look in the mirror and see what was really there, my WHOLE life became better. Happier. And I realized how important having a relationship with myself, based my own standards, ideas, and philosophies really was. Better yet, I've got to experience all the amazing joy that comes with that!
Nevertheless, I understand why everyone was confused from the previous post because I was always looking for a "quick fix" myself too, instead of actually letting myself go through the journey. No matter how raw and difficult it gets. Whenever I was working through Jane's program, there were days I'd feel on top of the world filled with hope, and other days I was full of anxiety. It was really tough sometimes but if you are just honest with yourself, the reward is priceless!
I also completely understand why women reconsider and question themselves, going back to those "rules" or wondering why things aren't working quite yet and going back to their old ways. I have inner battles with myself about it sometimes. When I haven't met him QUITE yet or it's not happening as fast as I'd like it to. But then I remember, its just old thoughts, old beliefs, that are not and were actually NEVER my own and my new thoughts and new beliefs nip all of those in the butt! It's a process, not an easy answer and a "quick fix," like we all hope it is!
I really encourage EVERYONE to do Jane's program. It helped me really love my life. I really love this person I've slowly discovered inside of me. I've loved reconnecting with the little girl inside I've always been. I LOVE learning even MORE about her!! Before, I used to think this was so serious and wondered if I was doing it correctly, now I just think it's FUN! 🙂
I haven't met the man of my dreams yet, but I feel and know he is out there. I've even stopped caring about "when and how" I'll find him; and I even completely forget about it sometimes. At first, this was really scary to me. I thought "Oh no! Does this mean I really DON'T want to get married one day?" With time, I realized, it doesn't mean that at all. It means I can create my own happiness, which I think will be a great quality as a future wife and a great example for a future mother of all the kids I want to have. It was really great to do all of the work and then just surrender, while continuing to still do the things I love. Amongst all of this, I know there is a future to be had that will be filled with love and even better than I imagined.
Your advice and compassion has helped SO many, Jane. Thank you!
Thank you, Julie. Your words here are beautiful. Thank you for walking us through your journey with such honesty. It's never any less than this when we're willing to walk through it! It's been such a pleasure to work with you, to listen to your questions, to hear you find your own answers, to be a part of all this. You've got this! 🙂
You are perfectly right, Jane! We can play the game, we can follow the rules, but deep inside we still are those scared insecure creatures that dread men, and that men dread. Family phycologist John Gray actually questioned men and women on what their fears and reservations are when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. It turns out women are mostly concerned with how steady and secure the relationship is, while men are mostly scared to lose their personal freedom. Which is exactly the opposite attitutes. This explains both why men pull away and why it freaks out us, women, so much. So if only we could be confident, if only we could stop being afraid, if only we could give men the kind of freedom in love they are looking for, if only we could stop freaking out and make it our own natural response to stay perfectly calm no matter what a man does. Would not we all be so lucky and successful in love? Perhapse. But we need to understand, that selecting the most stable and reliable mate is deeply engraved in our survival instincts. We can not just change it in a wim without severe consequences.
I remember an old story one lady told me. This was during the times after WWII when abortions were still prohibited and all girls were very modest and distant from the opposite sex. So there was that girl Pavlina, who was very secure and confident around men. There were constantly guys flocking around her and other girls were just watching jelously, but not daring to adopt her lifestyle. So one day that very girl, Pavlina, showed up at her door crying. She said she was pregnant, but she knew that she could not have the baby she was begging for help to get illegal abortion, but the Lady, who was a nurse and knew all the doctors in the area refused to help, because she was afraid she would be thrown in jail. Pavlina left crying and a few days later the Lady found out from newspapers that Pavlina has killed herself. She could not stop feeling responsible for her death. Pavlina's friends said that for sure, in her situation she would not be able to raise the baby alone, so it was understandable why she would committ suiside. I know it is an old story and things have now changed, but it just clearly illustrates how being secure and confident and attractive to men can come for a woman at a big price and why so many women have problems making that attitude their own.
I like your last line Nina.
Thank you, Nina. There is so much that runs so deep.
I too as most women are confused about men and how they operate . For me it's as if one day he's very interested , flirty and the next time he's a little distant . This guy I'm talking to , spending time with initially contacted me in a dating site . The difference is. That we used to work together up until about 4 yrs ago and I haven't seen or talked to him since . He initiated the connection . And things appeared to be going well . He called every day ... Sometimes twice a day . Would text me good morning and good night as well as through out the day . Times we would spend together we're good . We would cuddle , hold hands , hug and kiss . This lasted about 6 weeks , now the texts and phone calls are not as often and he's not always as affectionate . Should I take this as a sign that he is distancing himself because he is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship . When I asked him if anything was bothering him he just said he was busy w the stuff he has going on in life . His son , his mom and really busy at work . I told him I sensed that something was going on the past 2 weeks and if there was anything I could do . He said he's been tired w all the running around and he's lucky if he gets one night a week to himself . And he's said he's been tired and a little in a funk himself worrying about his mom and running his son around . We would see each other either fri or sat and maybe a day during the week . Should I take him at his word give him space and see what happens . I don't have all that much dating experience and don't know how to act or react . I really like him and want the relationship to grow and realize if it's not meant to be then it just wasn't the right relationship . I just don't want to do anything to cause more distance . What are your thoughts . I hope I was able to give you enough information . I love reading your blogs and find it helpful but I needed a little of your advice In this .
Give him the space and time he is asking for. If you continue to ask him what do you want from me - you may push him away and/or cause more distance. Men are not confusing - they are very in the moment how I feel type personality. As women we always tend to over think situations. Take a step back, treat yourself to something special. Don't over-think. Just relax and go with the flow. He will appreciate you a lot more. If you are significant, he will make time for you - even if it is a text. 🙂
Thank you , I do agree w all this . It is difficult for me to do . It's not that he asked me for space .... It's bc his habits have changed that I was worried he was flaking out or blowing me off . That is why I in my own mind figured maybe he just wanted space . I have a hard time keeping from texting him bc I like talking to him and I miss the constant communication . And sometimes I feel to much space will cause a bigger distance . I just hope I haven't ruined anything by talking to him and specifically asking him if that's what he was doing (blowing me off ) . I texted him once since and he did not respond . I don't plan on texting him again until I hear from him . It will be hard and thankfully I have a lot of activity planned this week to keep from being preoccupied about his action or lack of action .
You need to have the 'walking power'.
A man did this to me, I told him that I sense he's being distant and that I know something is wrong. I told him that he can either tell me and let me in his life or we stop everything and I walk away...I am not willing to wait for him to feel alright or leave me hanging until he's ready enough to make a choice.
He told me everything because he sensed that I don't have time for drama. It's either you want me in your life or you don't. If you don't, I walk away and you lose me.
I like this response. Why do we have to wait it out until the guy is ready to let us in? Why can't we be true to ourselves and to the person.? I agree with your response.
Thank you, Jane so much for your blog.
While I was reading this post and going over all my thoughts and discoveries since Friday, I realize why I like reading your blog so much.
The reason is exactly that: you don't talk about rules or magic formulas, you get to the core of the situations, which is us! Our individuality, our own lives. That's why it seems vague at first glance, because you're trying to reach your audience without falling into the trap that so many gurus fall... Making rules to fit everyone that evidently never do.
You're encouraging us to go beyond the programming that is not just there from childhood, but from all the confusing advice we hear as well.
Personally, I've decided to stop seing men and women as different categories. Yes, there are glaring differences, but we are after all human and no two women think alike, let alone two men.
I've decided to treat every man as his own person, as an individual and get to know him as a person, without so many labels like alpha, European, white, etc. I've seen how different things make different people tick.
Besides, every time I tried to think and act upon this "men prefer this or that", I found exceptions to that rule.
Same thing happened the other way around: every man I have dated has said the same thing to me. What they liked about me was how different I am from most women they've met. I don't know what that means to each of them and it doesn't matter, the point is they also got to realize that "women" are not the same thing, we're individuals with our individual stories and preferences.
I learn so much with each experience and I see how this gender-oriented advice sometimes just doesn't hold water.
I see now what you were telling me all along was to find myself, acceptance and appreciation for myself exactly as I am and to go find out what I wanted to do with my life and what made me happy for me and no one else. That's my take away from all this and I'm really glad this is the whole point. I wish I could hug you right now.
Thank you!
aw, thank you, Angel. You've summed this up so beautifully. I hope you're seeing that this progress is you, all you. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that it's making more and more sense to you! 🙂
I have recently had to face reality that I am tired of going by everyone's advice and following a set of rules. I am ready to face what has been holding me back from having a joyous life. Time to love me and find out what that really means. I believe that this will allow for true love from that special man that is waiting and seeking me. Thanks for your post. Carolyn
oh how it will, Carolyn. Thank you for being here, for showing up, for being a part of this beautiful community. It's always worth the journey because you're always, always worth it.
well i've known this guy for 5 years and we've been friends, ever since i met him at the stn i've been in touch with him on FB and over the years and he was the 1 that started the convo. there was a time where i exchanged numbers with him until he thought i was a stalker but i wasn't.
2014 was the year i started gardening with my friends n he didn't recognise me n asked me "did u go on the bushwalk?" i told him yes i did and last year on 31/5/2015 he remembered me n i was in shock n we became friends with benefits from there n kept in touch on FB n saw each other at gardening every month to catch up
on 31 Jan 2016 he made me happy n it was the happiest day of my life at gardening. i left him alone when i got there n thought he won't talk to me but he talked to me in the end and gave me the treatment like a princess like making me a hot choc n showing some interest in me. i didn't want that day to end but it had to. i said we will keep in touch on FB & he said "we will" in a soft way which i never met anyone like it. in the last 6 weeks he hasn't been in touch with me on FB but my heart says he will
i ask myself Is he Mr right?, should i give him my number? & What will happen next. this guy makes me so happy that when i'm around him i'm always a happy girl & i wish he was my boyfriend n i've never been happy before when i'm around this guy.
i hope me & this guy keep in touch a lot n i really hope a date happens & hope becomes my boyfriend soon.
idk what to do next with him in terms of keeping him interested
You were fwb
He only kept in touch on fb
He made you hot chocolate and spoke to you softly and said we will keep in touch.
You haven't heard from him in 6 WEEKS!!!!.
Unfortunately, I am sure the rest of us can see he is a player, he has no respect for you, he will not be your boyfriend, and you should not do anything but get some help for whatever keeps you thinking he olis right for you. Guys like that have huge egos, know exactly what to say to vulnerable women such as yourself, and enjoy the benefits of getting free sex. Please, please, please do not try to contact him and if he does contact you, ignore him.
Get some help from a good therapist.
Good luck to you
I will pray for you to find the strong self inside you, that does not need to be used and abused.
?
thank you... Right to the point.
I will copy this and read it everytime I begin to fantasize about a relationship with at player.
All the best to all.
To Jane's readers,
It is difficult to give advice to people who haven't experienced the type of personal growth that Jane has experienced. She can recognize the difference between thoughts generated by the ego and those that come from the 'heart".
What she said to Vera makes sense, but until you experience the change I'm talking about, the fear of the ego will always override what the heart knows to be true, and Jane's advice will sound wrong or make no sense to you.
I think the best thing people can do, who feel "stuck in a cycle" with the same person or the same type/different package, is to immediately stop reading about relationships (how to get the guy, bringing out your inner goddess etc. - you all know what I'm talking about) and start reading or watching videos about recognizing and quieting the ego. Eckhart Tolle, Sadhguru, Wayne Dyer and Byron Katie are a few good people to start listening to on your journey to spiritual and emotional health. Then, come back to Jane, and suddenly everything she is saying will make sense.
Only until I realized that my own actions and thoughts were making me miserable and stopped blaming another person (my ex-husband was quite abusive, both physically and emotionally) for my situation, was I able to gain the courage to end our 29 year marriage. It is interesting, because we now get along better than we ever did (we have a special needs child, so we will always have to interact). But when I realized I was 50% at fault (yes he was agressive, but I was passive agressive, which is just as bad) and apologized for being a terrible wife (even though I had always blamed him for 100% of our problems) it was as if a miracle occurred and we are kind and loving (not romantically) toward each other now. Everything I have gone through - the horrible marriage that mirrored my parents' dysfunctional marriage, my next relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, and my awakening to what my part was in all of my misery, has been just the beginning amazing journey. I needed to go through what I did in order to get to the place I am now. I still have a long way to go and I enjoy every time I am in for a remodeling, as I like to call them.
Don't blame Jane for your lack of understanding. Until you experience the change in thinking that comes with spiritual awakening, you will continue to look for magical answers to solve your problems, just as we tend to look for magical pills to solve out medical issues. We have the power to heal ourselves, with a bit of guidance from those who have gone before us on their own journeys. Go out and take that first scary step to really make a change in yourself. Change is frightening, but isn't the thought of staying the same, even more frightening?
With love to all of you,
Deb
Thank you, Deb. You've described the deep down soul work of this process in such a deeply personal and beautiful way. I am so grateful for you and that you found your way here.
Dear jane.i have reached the stage in the so called relationship.i have distanced myself from him to give myself some peace and calm.i cannot stand the emotion a and his apparent complexity if you like.ive left it at that.its just not worth it anymore.luv sue.
oh Sue, I know this must have been so hard for you. But finding that place of peace and calm - wherever that may may - reassures you that you are exactly where you need to be. Follow that peace and calm! It will never steer you wrong!