Why do so many of us find it so difficult to move on, even when we absolutely know in our hearts that it's the best thing to do? I know I've been there, and our stunning friend Anastasia is there right now.
Here's her email:
Why can't I let go and move on?
I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years off and on. The last time he broke up with me was 5 months ago and we have been on again off again since. I finally went no contact a month ago because even though we were talk he kept saying I care about you but don't want a relationship anymore.
We contacted each other again just last week and he was sweet for a day or so but is now being disrespectful.
I want so badly to let go but I'm having such trouble.
I'm starting to feel my self respect drifting away because I don't want to lose contact again...
Help..
- Anastasia
My Response:
Dear Anastasia,
You ask the question that is on so many of the hearts and minds of so many of the women I hear from in my coaching practice.
Why can’t I let go and move on?
It doesn’t matter how long or short our relationship lasted. It doesn’t matter how much our needs weren’t getting met. None of the logical details matter.
Yes, we know we should let go. Yes, we know we should move on.
Because after all, how this feels – this hanging on, holding out hope, not moving forward but not able to move back – isn’t how we want to feel. But knowing what we should do – and actually being able to do it – are two entirely different things.
The short answer is that we can’t let go and we can’t move on because we’re not ready to. The long answer is that we don’t really want to. It’s the more complicated part that we’re not always open to hearing until we’ve tried everything else.
But if we’re open to consider that it’s not about him, but about us, we can take back some of the control that we don’t feel so that we can finally feel something other than what we’re going through now.
So let’s start by asking yourself the most important question of all: Are you sure you’re ready to let go and move on?
You’ll know you’re ready because it hurts more to do what you’re doing now than to step out into the unknown and do something different. You’ll know you’re ready because you’ve tried everything to change your relationship, to turn things around, and it hasn’t helped. And most of all, you’ll know you’re ready because there’s something deep down in your heart of hearts, something we call your gut instinct, your intuition, that lets you know that it’s time.
You see things more clearly. You can glimpse the future and it doesn’t look any better than this. You see him for who he is – and it includes the disrespect you mention here. And you recognize your own self-respect slipping out from under you and recognize the value of that more than him.
These are your signs, Anastasia. They come from inside you.
They tell you if you’re done – really done – and really ready to let go. That you’re writing to me now speaks volumes. This is you reaching out for help to do what you know you need to do.
If you don’t really want to, you won’t. If you’re not ready to, you won’t.
If you’re sure there’s something else you haven’t tried, then you won’t be able to until you’ve done that. So do that. Break it down to what’s keeping you here. Peel away the top layers so you can see what’s keeping you here underneath.
Is it fear that he might be the best thing that comes along? Is it the fear of regret? Is it something else?
Find out what that is!
What’s the worst case scenario? That you let go and move on and then he’s finally ready for what you wanted all along? If it’s real, you’d be the first to know. Then you can decide what you want to do.
Not now, but then.
You can’t know the future, but you can know that if he’s going to be in it, you’ll know without a shadow of a doubt. He’ll make sure you know because he’ll need you to know!
Don’t run away from these fears. Face them. Be with them.
If you don’t want to lose contact him with, then don’t. You don’t have to let go of him as much as you need to look at who you are and what you want and what you need to do for you! If you don’t know what that is, you can’t expect him to give you anything different than he’s giving you now.
You show him how to treat you. You let him know by your actions what you will and won’t accept. If you’re willing to accept disrespect, he’ll show up with disrespect.
Change what you’re willing to accept, and you’ll give him something to live up to. You’ll see more of who he is the more you become sure within yourself of where your own boundaries lie, and then this will become so much more clear to you!
You can do this, Anastasia. You absolutely can!
But you can’t expect some magical carriage to carry you through this to the other side. This is the work that only you can do! There’s something in this going through, in this process of drawing your own line in the sand and making up your own mind instead of waiting for some sign from him.
You deserve more than sweet and then disrespectful. You deserve consistency of behavior and actions that tell you he’s in this for the same thing as you, on the same page as you.
Take it one baby step at a time if that’s where you’re at. One little tiny step of putting more focus back on you and your own needs and giving him that space to be himself, to show you more of the reality of him.
Write him a letter that you don’t send to tell him everything you haven’t said. Make a list of all the things he can give you and all the things he can’t – and let the reality of who he really is speak for himself. Let him show you more of what’s real so that you become absolutely sure of what it is you desire – and what it is you want no part of.
This is your own beautiful life to find – and to live – for you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Have you had to let go and move on when you didn’t want to – or weren’t ready to? Share what helped – and what didn’t – in the comments for Anastasia to read!
I have been dating a guy for 18 months now, he is 35 years old. He lives with his mother and I have my own home with my two children from a previous relationship. He works of shore irregularly depending on weather, so his work pattern varies tremendously. He returns home to his mothers house, and initially spent one or two nights at the weekend over at my place, this increases if he is off longer periods, but goes back there to have a bath and change clothes and chill in his room watching television. We have made purchases together of larger items, we talk of the future, he says he wants to move in with me but keeps saying soon. I ask what soon means to him and he said January, we are now at the end of January and I know he is nowhere near ready to move in. Today he bought me new wheels for my car out of the blue, after saying he needed to save money to make the move. I am ready to move forward as a family. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jane, any wise words?
Having a rough time because the 30th and 31st last year were amazing for us.
Obviously no word from him.
My heart feels like it is literally breaking.
Thank you Angel. This makes a lot of sense to me. I am with family w limited access to this site for now but I realize that he is just giving me enough to have me hang on but I have to choose to let go.
I think him telling me about the game was intentional to see if I get jealous and I don't even care anymore that I "gave up my 7 weeks of strength" because I will NOT be contacting him. At this point, I don't have any 'regrets' because I have expressed what I want in a non angry way. The intense feeling to call and "open the door" led me to the call but I needed to have that off my head and now he knows.
You are right. I can't want something because of what we had. What do we have now? NOTHING!!! When we first met, I was hesitant because of his situation but asked him if he was ready and I think he thought he was because he was so happy but reality set in.
Gotta run, but let's mark Day 1 of feeling strong. Gratitude for your time and love to read it all and respond. I have to let go and this time I feel like I can genuinely do that because it didn't end out of anger.
I am going to work on me, get back to exercising and releasing endorphins and using this non cellular time to stop with the obsessive social media stalking. I'll be posting for my travels for my mom and friends but this game thing just now pisses me off more than it makes me sad so that's a good thing.
Talk soon!
I'm so glad I could help at least a little, Melody. I'm glad you're standing tall and strong in your power. After feeling so down, there's nothing better than feeling your power again.
You're probably right when you say he thought he was ready. It's quite typical. Many people have no clue about what they truly feel and need and when we get caught up in the novelty, we ignore reality. That may well have been what was going on with him. Ultimately it doesn't matter. What matters is you, going inside yourself to get to know you and what it is you need.
It is crucial for us to find that out to be able to be strong and healthy to recognize a healthy man when he shows up and to be able to spot the wrong men to steer clear of them.
For me, what I lacked at the core was acceptance for my own self and love from me. I thought I needed to do something to be loved, I needed to be different to be loved because I didn't approve of myself. I grew up in that kind of environment where I had no power, I was belittled and criticized, not to mention disrespected on so many levels. No wonder I learned to reject myself and hate myself. That alone was causing me to cling to the wrong people, even in friendships.
I'm glad I felt my pain and recognized things for what they are to be able to lead a different kind of life. I'm doing much better now and the need I had to look for a partner has sort of waned. I still would love the right partner to come along, but I don't feel desperate and lonely like I used to. For the first time in my life, I'm actually enjoying my time with me.
Have fun with your family and enjoy this beautiful continent.
Angel,
I really appreciate the feedback and the love. Did you by chance read my previous posts? There are two particularly longer ones from 12/23 and 12/25 that give the background a bit more.
Do you think I gave up all my pride - all that I did by walking away for those 7 weeks?
I wanted him to say - now that I know you still love me - I won't take her to the game.
I could tell he was happy to hear from me. He said my call was so out of the blue.
Did I ruin everything? You really don't think we have a chance?
If I am interpreting you correctly, basically - since he is just started dating someone while I had no contact with him during the past 7 weeks, then that means he doesn't love me or just that he never has?
Melody, why are you going to Holland?
The day I was supposed to go on fall break at school and go to Baja with Joe (11/18) which was 2 weeksish after I cut off contact, I booked this trip to visit my aunt who had skpyed with me every day from end of July to August 24 when we were broken up.
I couldn't stand the idea of being there during the 5 weeks of winter break and us not be together.
I'm sorry!! I was just curious. I hope she gives you the comfort you need.
Is your Aunt married?
Divorced then widowed. Why?
Hi Melody,
I did read the posts, what I interpret is still the same. You met a man who was unavailable from the get go. I know every person is different, but there are definitely certain patterns that keep showing up. A man who is going through a divorce or has gone through it, hasn't mourned enough and hasn't had the transitional girlfriend is a man who's not available for true commitment most of the time.
Don't blame yourself, get out of the should have, would have, could have mode and no, pretending everything is fine, walking on eggshells and accomodating to not push a guy away is not right. The minute you start acting that way, inauthentically, is the minute you know it's not right. A man who pulls away at the first sign of trouble is not a man who's mature enough for a relationship.
I ask you: you said you were fighting a lot only six months into the relationship... That's a bad sign to me. Why were you fighting? What was it about?
Something else I would like you to consider is this: the past doesn't matter. You don't stay and hold on to a man because things were fine in the past. You stay because things are right in this very moment. Now, right now, he treats you well, you feel happy 95% of the time with things as they are and as real as they get, you feel loved and cherished. Now. Now is the moment you need to want. If now is not good, holding on to the past or some potential of the future is damaging to you.
We fought because he shuts down and stonewalls but I want to talk about things and get them sorted.
Do you think you can be with a person who has this style of communication? Can you have a healthy relationship like that?
Think about that, really, think about it. Remember not to idealize things, they are what they are. See them for what they are.
Layover in London. I talked to him before my flight.
1) asked why he didn't call since it's been 7 weeks - he said I blocked him, why would he - also said that I just assumed about the other chic and that he wasn't dating her
2) I am a huge Packers fan. I asked him what are you doing right now? He said he is driving to Arizona. I said don't tell me you are going to the Packers game. He said OK, I won't. I asked who he was going with and he said he didn't want to say. I kept asking and asked is it a girl. He said you are going to Europe and you're so asking about this? And I said yes. I still love you and that was what I wanted to do with you during this break if all this had not happened. He finally admitted he was taking a girl. I asked, are you dating? He said dating is a strong word - but he was heading to her place to pick her up and drive to Arizona for the Packers game on Sunday. Literally heartbroken over this. This hurts so bad.
3) I asked him if he was no longer interested in a romantic future with me - he said "I can't say say that, no, I don't know."
4) I asked if he still loved me - he said, "maybe."
5) I asked if he would fly out and meet me in Belgium. He said he would really like that and will think about it but likely not feasible with his custody schedule.
6) he told me to text him when I got back, if I wanted to. I said will you be in a relationship with this chic? He said I don't know. I said I thought you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship, you didn't want to answer to anyone. I said does that mean you just don't want a relationship with me? He said he just doesn't want expectations. he doesn't know what will happen.
He said after we broke up and started just hanging out - we said we were going to be friends and take things slowly and see how it went. He said he wanted it to evolve into a relationship but every time we hung out, I wanted it to BE a relationship.
I said we are so great together and our only problem is communication, because he shuts down and stonewalls and that would be a problem for anyone. I said he would be crazy to let me go.
I said come to Belgium. He said he would think about it.
Basically the call left me feeling like I blew things out of proportion that night when he deleted the IG post. It left me feeling that I have done everything wrong. And that me taking so long to reach out to him after I blocked him (which I told him I unblocked him a few weeks ago) made things turn out this way.
I know he loves me. I know his reply of 'maybe' is pretty much because he has a hard time saying it. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am regretting what I did. I am sick to my stomach that he is taking this girl to the game.
I had left a vm for him and was surprised he called me back before I boarded my flight. He sounded very happy to talk to me and said he wasn't expecting to talk about all this and I said I wasn't either but I have always been transparent, not played games, and that's what I'm doing now.
I have to try and enjoy myself. But I am even more confused now. Did I do everything wrong? Is it all me? Is he leading me on? Does he just dangle enough hope to keep me hanging on? Please send me your thoughts Jane. I am losing my mind, my trust in myself, and my confidence. I don't know what to do. I have from today until Jan 20th before I get back to California.
I doubt highly that he will actually come to Europe to meet me but I have a small bit of hope. But of course, he could just totally be falling head over heels with this girl while they are on this road trip to this game - my two favorite things with him - road trips/camping and Packers games.
The pain and confusion is excruciating.
Hi Melody,
Let me ask you this: is this what you want? Is this situation as is what you deserve? If the answer is no, you know what to do. I honestly fail to see what you're getting out of this non-relationship with this man. He doesn't care about you. His actions show it, scream it out loud and you're still trying to hold on to fantasies that you create out of what you want to hear instead of what he actually tells you.
It saddens me and infuriates me to see wonderful women holding onto crumbs from some random guy who doesn't deserve much. I'm sorry if I'm crossing the line here. I really am. But the reason all these feelings come is because I was you, I have been in your position many many times and now, from where I stand I see how much time I wasted. I wish no woman in the world wasted any time on men who don't care about her. That is my wish for all women.. For us to finally wake up and see how valuable we are, how much more we deserve and that we started living our lives for ourselves and aligned with the high value we have.
You calling this person and insisting so much only makes things worse for you. He has no incentive to give anything because you're the one chasing. Can you see that?
Don't chase anyone, Melody. You are a high value woman, you choose your life and your actions regardless of what others do.
Jane always tells us to do what we need to to see it all clear, but I think with all you have you can come to a conclusion: he's not the one.
A man who loves you shows you all the time. When a man really loves you, you have no doubts, you don't have to guess, you don't have to chase and accomodate. He makes time for you even if he doesn't have any. That's how you know he's serious. If you get less than that, he's not it.
For me, all those times I walked in your shoes it was because subconsciously I believed:
- If I hold on a bit longer and show him how I amazing I am, he'll come around
- If I don't chase him, he'll never be there
- I'm not that attractive so I have to try hard for a guy to be with me... I have to give him time to get to know me and I have to show him what a perfect, accomodating woman I can be
Worst of all, I didn't like myself, much less love myself. So what was the result? Men who were used highly ambivalent about me at best, men who took advantage of my feelings because I let them, men who didn't care about me at all and humiliated me in front of my friends, men who were just not even there for me in any way. What I know now is I let them in, I chose them, I insisted, I chased so unknowingly I brought it down on myself and hurt myself even more. It has taken me a year and a half to see all this clearly and to build my self esteem and self love again. It is worth it. When you decide to get out of this toxic circle, you'll be glad you did.
Think of yourself, feel your feelings, identify them and figure out honestly what it is you need. It's not this guy, trust me.
Take your time in Europe to take care of yourself, to heal and to discover your truth. It's you who needs you right now.
I hope my comment helps you somehow, I really really do.
You're beautiful and valuable, Melody. And you deserve nothing but what your heart truly desires.
Hugs from near Belgium.
This helped me so much. It wasn't for me but oh...God it helped me!!
"A man who loves you shows you all the time. When a man really loves you, you have no doubts, you don't have to guess, you don't have to chase and accommodate. He makes time for you even if he doesn't have any. That's how you know he's serious. If you get less than that, he's not it." Fantastic response Angel! I so agree!
For 9.5 years I scratched my head wondering why I felt like little more than a booty call. 9.5 years! Kept thinking there must have been something wrong with me to think that! (Lack of self-worth will draw you into those kinds of relationships and keep you there until you love yourself so much you have to cut the cord!)
Melody, I keep finding myself responding to your messages because I have lived so many of the same moments and confusion! Your posts are actually helping me see the light clearer in my own (past) relationship. Wow. He started to see someone else but would still text me, "You are the love of my life" which really effed up my head! I would get so happy about the text and then think to myself, "how could he say that to me yet pursue someone else?" I have tons of those kinds of messages from him - "I feel strongly that someday we will be together again." And you wonder why we go through so much agony in letting go! They don't want us to let go, but not because they love us! Because they have overly inflated egos that need women like us stroking them despite what they do to us! I said exactly what you said up until 2 days ago "I know he really loves me". It wasn't until I started to read other women's post that go through the same thing, that I was able to look at it objectively. Because I'm looking at YOUR situation instead of my own, so it's easier to see the truth! Maybe he does love you, but "love" is a confusing word. What is his definition of love? In my guy's case, "love" actually means "lust" and "need". That's the trouble, we say "I love you", but neither party knows what the other one means anyway. Well, thanks for letting me respond to so many of your messages!
P.s:
It's o.k. if you feel sad again. It will be a rollercoaster for awhile, but it will get better.
Just remember the advice.
Enjoy a hot chocolate with whipped cream on wintersport. Safe travels.
Take care
Awww. That is one of the sweetest most beautiful things I've read on Christmas.
Couldn't say it better than Virgo Ellie.
You're an inspiration to us all Melody. So proud of you. Stay strong.
Merry Christmas everyone.
So...I'm visiting my folks in FL and just after midnight when it was Christmas here (and only 9pm in Cali), I decided to send a benign text because I think he might be pursuing another woman right now and I didn't want to put myself out there and totally negate my 49 days of strength. So I just sent a text that says:
"It's Christmas here so Merry Christmas to you, sweet lil Joe, & Candy...from the future. (with tree and present emojis and a pic of 3 cookies I had decorated)"
He read it right away but it took 1.5 hours to reply:
"Merry Christmas Melody! I was so glad to hear about your mom being cancer free. What a great present!!!"
I replied "Aww, thank you, Joseph 🙂 We were happy to hear the great news as well. It was the best the Christmas gift!"
And I left it at that...I didn't ask how are you or extend the conversation in any way. It's not like him to use my name or exclamation marks and I can read a million stories into his 'intent' but of course everything is an assumption.
My friend says that at least he responded and he is obviously either looking at my social media or got the info from a mutual friend...but keeping up anyways. I didn't ask how are your or extend the conversation because IF THERE IS A CHANCE for the future, the only way that was going to happen was because I walked away and changed the dynamic and started teaching him how to treat me again...like he did in the beginning. Normally what he expects from me is a heartfelt voice mail professing my feelings but not only did I not go that route, but I probably surprised him (or just relieved him) when I didn't extend the conversation. At this point, I don't know what he feels about, if he has hope for us, or if all the fighting as turned him off completely. But I am determined to BE DIFFERENT and therefore he will see me differently. I will be heading to Holland tomorrow for 3 weeks and then when I get back, I will casually reach out to see if he wants to grab lunch or something (he still has my stuff in his storage and my vinyl records at his house.)
I can be positive and think his reply was just friendly or I can be negative and think that his reply was arm's length and seems like he doesn't want to have me in his life and is excited about this new woman. I JUST DON'T KNOW. I will continue the next three weeks feeling hopefully more peaceful than I had been over the last few days because at least the door to conversation is now open. It's not like I just wanted to jump in head first and have things be the same - NOT AT ALL - I want him but I want the dynamics of the relationship to change and that can only change if I change, continue to stand my ground to demonstrate that I must be treated with respect, and of course IF he is open to a future for us. It takes him a long time to process feelings so there was no point in gushing about mine and just scaring him away - thanks VIRGO ELLIE - I did that part in a word document to myself.
So for now, I'm going to do my best to focus on me knowing that he is at least being friendly and it was nice of him to reply with what he said about my mom and the rest - I can infer and assume but it's all speculation and that's not helpful. I think not extending the conversation was also 'different' and 'interesting' of me to him because in the past, after the break up, when he got back in touch and didn't want a commitment, I see now that I was always like a puppy dog, trying to extend every interaction.
I'm going to do my best to focus on me and have a good time in Europe visiting family and hopefully learning how to snowboard. I need to exercise and get in a good routine before next semester and mostly because I'm not a big girl but I am skinny fat and gaining some muscle will not only help my looks, but more importantly, my bone density and self-esteem as a method of self-love.
I am grateful for your replies Virgo Ellie and Rose. I am grateful that today I woke up a bit down but I am feeling better. I am grateful for my family. Most of all I am grateful that my mom is cancer free for now and hopefully forever. If Joe and I are meant to be, then we both have some work to do but will end up together, slowly. I would be lying if I said that I'm not so jealous of this woman and the fact that she is getting all his attention this Christmas but such is life. I love him so much, but I am proud of finding a way to reach out but maintain my dignity by being protective of myself and not just giving my heart away. I pray to God that I continue to feel this way.
Merry Christmas to you all. Your thoughts are always appreciated!!! <3
Well done Melody! He responded. That is wonderful! Safe Travels!
P.s:
It takes two to tango.
And if you're standing on the dancefloor alone to long. It may be better to find another partner.
Mixed messages are so tough to deal with when you like someone. I've had several of those now. They want to be with you, but not fully, or have issues from the past. They need to process their past relationship before starting a new one.
My new rule has become that when mixed messages appear, I'm out. Easier said than done, of course, but learning as I go.
Dating someone without issues like this, is so much finer than dating someone with issues. They need to fix their issues from the past before going for a new relationship. Because you will get sucked in and start getting feelings. Been there done that. One of my friends has a long term project trying to educate a boy. LOL. We're still seeing how that is working out. She is dating in the mean time.
Also one tip I wanted to give you is to avoid digital communication like mail/ texting/ fb, etc when dealing with relationship issues. Just call each other or meet.
There is a number of articles on dating and relationships and texting. It can destroy a relationship. It's so easy to have miscommunication and arguments.
I avoid, as much as I can, any digital communication when dating. It's also a good test if someone cares and respects my feelings, or how addicted they are to smartphones.
If they keep naggin about wanting to text, I just cut off contact, and focus on people who will respect my boundaries. In any case calling or meeting with someone allows for a completer conversations, hearing the emotions, as well as getting a closer connection.
XOXO
Thanks Virgo Ellie. I used that site when he broke up with me and he is the one that contacted me after 28 days. But this time, I cut things off with him because we weren't exclusive and the mixed messages were too frustrating.
Waiting with bated breath.
Jane,
Merry Christmas Eve. I know the timing is awful but if there is any way to hear your thoughts, I would appreciate it beyond what words could express.
I have never missed anyone so much. I have a knot in my stomach not knowing if I should call him before I leave the country. I'm so afraid of rejection. I want to profess my feelings. People tell me either don't contact him or if I do to just be cool and text to say Merry Christmas and that I'd like to talk to him before I leave if he has time. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My family doesn't know what to do with me. I'm a wreck. I have one strong day every week or so but the rest I feel like I'm crumbling and getting worse.
Hi Melody!! I have been where you are. Do not contact him. What I think is best, because I think you have professed your feelings before so he knows, is to write everything that you are feeling on pieces of paper. Write a little bit and leave it. You get those feelings back so go back and right those feelings down. Pretend that you are speaking to him but you aren't. Keep writing... keep writing those heart felt feelings down. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to send this to him directly. If he doesn't respond it will drive you crazy. So, speak to him like he is right in front of you but he isn't.
You know I have discussions out loud with the men I wish would respond even though no one is around. I listen to myself and pay attention to what I am saying because what I am saying about the lost guy (or issue) is something I have to heal within myself.
I hope this helps...
Do you like labrynths? If you do and you have one around you, go to one and think of your question as you walk the labrynth. You will get your answer.
Hang in there sweet friend!!
Hi Melody,
Like Virgo Ellie have been there as well.
Try to take your mind of things. Don't listen too much too romantic music or movies.
Play some games with your family. Call an old friend. Watch Sex In The City.
Try to take the long term approach. You may not be together this Christmas, but maybe the next one. Or have found some other great guy, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
You could send him a christmas card, but it could something for you to get upset about again. If you're still on somewhat speaking terms I would. I'd wish him a Merry Christmas, hope that he is doing well, and that looking back over the year you've had wonderful times, and difficult times together. That you've cried tears and wish it would have worked out better.
Don't go all dramaqueen opera in 5 acts tear jerker on him (it doesn't work, unfortunately, well in my limited experience, anyway)
The writing things down is a good tip, and I agree with Ellie, don't send it to him. Maybe have a therapist look at it in the new year, and plan how you are going to deal with the coming year. It could give you a sense of perspective.
It's o.k. to crumble, just cry your heart out, let people hug you, and cry in their arms. It will get less. Get enough sleep, excercise, eat well (and chocolate ice cream with whipped cream does help)
Will you let us know how you're Christmas went?
Thanks Rose. We haven't been in contact since I sent those texts.
I'm leaving for Holland on Saturday and won't be back until Jan 20th. I'm not going to mail a card at this point but I wanted to call and talk to him. I feel like he will probably not pick up so instead of calling today or Christmas, I figured calling from the airport is my best bet in case he doesn't pick up and if so, I would leave this message:
"Hi Xxx, it's Melody. I'm getting ready to fly to Holland and I was hoping to hear your voice. I hope you and (his son) had a Merry Christmas and that you are both doing well. I've never played games with you so I'll just be bold and and tell you that I miss you and think of you every day. I wish we could spend NYE in Belgium together, but I wish a lot of things. Mostly I wish I could know how you feel about me. I really have no idea how you actually feel about me anymore. There is a voice inside that says your love is real but perhaps that's just wishful thinking since you haven't reached out. Only you know. I miss your face, your smile, your smell and your hugs. I saw the tagged pic of you hugging your employee and I'm super jealous of him! You might be laughing at me for being lame and leaving this message, especially if you don't love me and have moved on, but that's OK. I am me, real, raw, my heart on my sleeve, and in the spirit of never giving up on someone you think about every day, I'm still in love with you. But if you don't love me, if there is no hope left on your part, I wish you would tell me so I could let go and move on. If you get this and want to call me back, I board in 2 hours. I'll be back on Jan 19th. If I don't hear from you, I hope that you are doing well, and that looking back over the year we've had wonderful times, and difficult times together. I've cried tears, but still believe in our click, and wish it would have worked out better."
Thoughts??
By no means an expert.
My gut says you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
Make it way to easy for him to make it a booty call while you're there, and rinse and repeat the process when your back home. Leaving you in the same position or worse.
You know him better than I do. So, it might be the right note for him.
I'd leave the whole image and jealousy thing. Too much info,and it could freak him out (I would be if a guy said that.)
" I've never played games with you so I'll just be bold and and tell you that I miss you and think of you every day."
So recognizable... Do feel the need to defend yourself against his accusations/ insecurities? Prove that your better? Who says he's not playing games with you? Can you be sure he's being sincere?
Your text is very logical, and very understandable. Might it might backfire.
I'd play it more relaxed maybe? Just saying that your in the country, and if he'd like to meet up and have fun, put the past in the past, and just do some sight seeing and talking, then meet up?
If he agrees then he may be interested in investing time in the relationship, if he cancels you know he's not interested (at this time) or you don't hear anything, what will you do?
He's got you on a string though. Not a good place to be.
That's the trouble with guys like this, who are acting like this. A friend said to me at one point "You're all the one putting all the work into it, aren't you?"
He needs to get to the point that he reaches out? Nothing you say can help that, or may actually push him further away?
On the other hand it could be good to just tell your feelings. Smart move possibly to wait while you're in the country, and you can meet him. You could choose to call him sooner with Christmas, but then he might be with family and feel uncomfortable, not wanting drama, and treat you like a charity case, coming to talk to you because he feels guilty, without it going anywhere (or slight change). He may come to regret you, because he feel pressured into a relationship/ contact. When he just wants to have fun.
On the other hand you might be spending energy on something that is never going to be anything (short term).
Which will leave you waiting. Which might not be a bad thing, if you need the time to process the time you dated.
Plenty of cute guys in Europe, si?
Ask yourself what exactly in this guy it is you like, and what you would like to see in a boyfriend.
Stay strong
This channel helped me:
"BOY TALK: Overcoming Insecurities & Breakups, Finding 'The One' | Lauren Curtis " by Lauren Curtis on Youtube
On the lighter side:
"Women Can Be Dicks Too" by Anna Katana on YouTube
"How to Deal with a Break Up" by Anna Katana on YouTube
(placing links to YouTube adds the comment for moderation, and I don't know when Jane will be back, so doing it this way for now)
Thoughts?
I appreciate your feedback but He is not in Holland. He is back home in California. I don't know if you saw my earlier post about the background. I won't be seeing him. Even since The end of August that we were not BF/GF officially, he never tried to make it a booty call. I fact, he was quick to stop the escalation of kissing because he didn't want to mislead his intentions. The part about me saying I'm real, etc is not because he has made me feel insecure, it is just because it's been 7 weeks since I cut off contact and if I send this, I just want him to know that I realize that people who play games would not be vulnerable like I'm being and wait for him to reach out. I have two longer posts earlier, one from the 18th and then again the first post from yesterday. It gives you a better idea of what we had and where we are. I really do appreciate your time and caring!
Gotcha. Missed the first comment.
Three things that stick out:
1. Committed relationship
2. fighting between you two
3. Him having relationship issues from the past (don't underestimate this one. In my experience it can be a really difficult nut to crack. Which may have nothing to do with you, and could take the both of you, therapy, and/ or time to fix)
Google this:
"break up getting back together"
For articles on whether or not you should get back together after a break up.
"I Miss You" by Beyond Tomorrow Films on YouTube
Is a movie that helped me.
It took me years to get over one of my exes, we ended up being friends after many years of periods of no or brief contact. It took both of us surviving a (possibly) terminal disease period to open up and be honest with each other, and understand how much we meant to each other.
"Old Friends" Simon and Garfunkel
Could very well be, that he feels the same way, and that you just need to find each other.
Either way, you both have homework to do, and this could take a time
Why not fly out to California instead of Europe? Is that an option? Bring a dozen rozes. Tell you him you love him.
It's good you're taking the time to figure out what to do.
Maybe you can call one of his friends or relatives that you have a good bond with, and see how he's doing, if he misses you, or if he's moving on?
Maybe you are way more into him than he is into you. Or he is in a spot that he loves you, but isn't ready. Or the fighting turned him off.
If you do fly out, and you know he wouldn't mind, then if he turns you down, at least you know how he thinks. He might get back to you at a later stage, but you can move on with your life. Wear an outfit he loves, that kind of stuff.
If he wants space and doesn't want contact you'll have to respect that.
It sounds like he's trying to do the right thing with you.
You'll be a lot happier if you do the right thing for him, and if that means putting your own feelings aside, so that he can love someone else, and give him your blessing, than that will make you both feel better.
It could be that he doesn't see a relationship working, it could be that over a period of time it could work again. Just don't get false hope for yourself.
It's gonna be rough for awhile, but you will get through. Just focus on the things we told you.
P.s:
And go out with the girls and have some fun.
I am having such a hard time. It has been 45 days since our last text where I cut off contact. I am in FL with family and just in bed depressed. I am flying out to Holland on Saturday to stay with my aunt who was helpful during the break up month in August. All I want to do is to call him and tell him I love him.
I don't want to because I know if a man wants you, they will reach out but I keep trying to convince myself that I need to give him a sign that I'm open since I'm the one that cut him out even though since then I've unblocked him on FB and IG.
I didn't give all the details but when I met him he had been separated from a 20 year relationship 2 years legally but only 6 months physically. I'm 42 and he is 41. Basically he told me I have everything he ever wanted but as things got real, he started pulling away. I've deduced that unless I had never shown discontent in anyway, things would have turned out the same - that's my way of trying not to blame myself for ever 'pushing' or getting upset at anything. He told me he loved me after 6 months but then a month later he broke up with me because we were fighting so much - because I 'pushed' which I probably did. He contact me a month later and from late August to the beginning of November is where we had something but not a commitment. On Oct 15th we went to a concert and he told me he wished he met me 6 months from then but he had said this before when he first took space while we were together in April. I feel like I'm suffocating.
As I stated in an earlier reply, I cut off contact 11/5. He had a week before invited me to Baja over Thanksgiving but then was unsure about it - was afraid if it went bad or if we got into a fight. Then that night he basically deleted an IG post I commented on because he didn't want another woman to see it - we were both free to date but you know - and I had just had a great day in my nursing clinicals so I felt strong and I wrote these 3 texts then blocked him on IG and FB.
"So you are dating or trying to date the woman you made friends with yesterday? Please be direct and honest. I am am being direct and honest with you."
"I really want to believe you have good intentions with me. But I am no one's second choice. I won't be kept on the sidelines. If you want to choose me, great. Text me about tomorrow and invite me to Baja. If you don't, that's ok too. Good luck with everything. If you reply positively, I'll unblock you. If not, there is no point. I care about you and it feels like you are playing with my emotions. I deserve better."
"I am assuming that by making your IG private, you do not love me and are done with me too. I really love you Xxx. I was truly hoping I was wrong and you would deny it. I just can't be disrespected like that. Please hold onto my records and stuff in storage. I will do my best to get it all from you between semesters."
I kept him blocked until early December. In between there, after a conversation I had with a mutual friend on 11/18, he made his IG public again but after a friend of mine posted something about me going on a date the night before Thanksgiving, he unfollowed me on IG though there are posts that he made from Baja that I feel were intended for me based on what happened when we were NC in August.
So there you have it. Sorry to unload but I feel like I need input. When he cut off contact, he was the one to reach out...does this mean that I need to do that too? Or is it really that when a man wants you, he will come after you?
Hi Melody... Hang in there!! No Contact does work. I know Jane will have better healing words but I thought this might help as you work through this:
www. exboyfriendrecovery .com
This site talks about the No Contact rule and how best to use it. 45 days is longer than what that site says but maybe not too long.
Check it out and wait for Jane to respond!
Disclaimer: I have not affiliation to that site. I found it as I dealt with a new man in my life and the uncertainty of his intentions.
I am at 38 days and although we weren't bf/gf I had to stop contacting him. I haven't heard from him so "He isn't / never was into me".. I will keep on stepping and be Thankful he showed up in my life.
I am not the expert and can only speak from my heart as I so relate to your message. What I'm learning in the separation process and by reading so many other's messages like yours, there seems to be a similarity in the way these guys respond - all in the name of keeping us tethered to them. In other words, your guys response "I am assuming that by making your IG private, you do not love me and are done with me too. I really love you Xxx...." is exactly the kind of responses I would get from my guy when I finally took a stand and blocked him or used no contact. It was like a game to see how much power he had to get me back once again. And he did it over and over for the last 3 or 4 years of our 9 year relationship. And each time I'd make the decision to give in and be with him again, I knew that one day I'd get strong enough to not take his bait anymore. That's what it is - bait. At least from my perspective. I stopped taking the bait - his system didn't work. That didn't mean I was through with him emotionally. Deep down inside, I prayed he knock down my door and sweep me off my feet. But instead, he went and found someone else. I don't know her, but I guarantee she is just like me, soft and loving and giving and overly tolerant and she'll do everything to please him, until she gets smart like I did. Hopefully for her sake she'll get smart much quicker than I did.
Hope you're doing better Melody... I'm with you in spirit! xo
Thank you for your wonderful articles and website. Your articles have been really helpful.
"Letting Go" is something I struggled with.
Instead of "Letting Go" I prefer "Given it a place". Letting go feels like your losing something forever. It feels so permanent. Giving it a place, you realize that it was a moment in your life, that had it's ups and down, but it has a spot. A spot that one can visit every once in a while, and give each memory, whether they be happy, beautiful, or sad a place.
It helps me, because, even though I'm ready to move on of "Asshole of the year" (is there a competition by the way?), I'll never be able to let go. LOL
Several children of me have passed away, and somehow my partners always, at some level, feel like a child. Feeling the responsility of taking care of a child.
Maybe this is why "Letting Go" feel so tough. To be fair he was going through a difficult time. "Letting Go" of someone that is going through a rough time, feels wrong, you get this need to save someone. In the end it's up to someone to change for themselves. Can't run out every time he gets into trouble (although his ex abandoned him in the relationship and he had trauma from that).
Giving it a place and hope he learns and does better, is what helped me give it a place. As well as learning myself from the situation to hopefully find a relationship that feels better.
It's a shame that the first time in my life I really felt in love, my heart was broken.
The whole experience, learning from it, has allowed me to date people who fit me better, knock on wood. The romantic interactions I have had since then have been so much more fullfilling, caring, and beautiful. Even what we had will always have a beautiful spot, because no matter what he said (during arguments), I also know what we sincerely felt.
Getting him to communicate honestly about his feelings, is what helps me most, in finding my bearings, and deciding what's best for him and me, and whether that is a relationship together. Don't mind if someone just wants sex and saying so, better than lying about it. At least it gives me a choice, and helps me protect my heart.
Some things are just not meant to be in this lifetime.
Step by step
Hope it helps
XOXO
P.s:
My advice would be don't go figuring out a situation like this on your own, if you can help it. Talk to friends, family, and/ or profesionals (discreetly and/ or anonymously).
Listen to people you care and trust.
You may never get all the answers, why the relationship ended, why something could feel so right, and not work. Why the person did this or that. Why you reacted a certain way. It may take a while (months/ years) to (partly) understand and heal (for the both of you). The scars will be there forever. I still have moments, when I have flashbacks.
Sometimes it's not about who did what, but about the interaction between each other and issues from the past, that get in the way of the current relationship and true feelings.
You may say things, make mistakes (in hindsight), that may cost the relationship.
If you can, and it's safe, help the other person get the help they need (or are aware of it), if possible. It will help you feel better in the long run.
"Let It Go" might work in the movies, it can be a lot harder in real life.
Give it time. Love yourself. Find yourself beautiful. Have fun with friends and loved ones. Meet new friends. Allow yourself to cry. Give it a place. Don't forget to have fun. Enjoy life. Meet new guys, with the lessons learned. You'd be surprised at what beautiful conversations one can have, and how kind and sweet people can be.
I know it's hard. You will get through. The pain will get less. You will meet new people.
Some people learn. Who knows in 20 years you might meet again, and you can still be friends, and love each other. Understanding that you're both human. Nobody's perfect.
You're not alone. Step by step
"Anna" aka "Ms. Piggy" 😉
What if after 4years of break-up, after 4 years of not seeing or talking to eachother i still have feelings and deep down I'm waiting for him to come to me...!!??
Then look at yourself, Lernik. Look inside you, into your beautiful heart that's still holding on so tightly. Ask yourself why you need to do this to yourself. Is it he that has this hold on you, or is it only the story of him? See him for who he is, and you'll see yourself for who you are. You can't be the only one in a relationship meant for two. He has to meet you there, too!
Thanks for this article Jane. With your help i became strong enough to end a relationship that I was unhappy in. But as the usual story goes he came back making promises that he would change. I took him back. Has he changed? He tries to make a little more effort with his words but his actions are still the same. I know I'm not getting the love I long for and deserve, I'm tired of going through this again but I know I will move on but as you say it will happen when I am ready. Letting go and the fear of the unknown is scary but the thought of being with someone that's not truly making you happy is much harder. Kay
Exactly, Kay! You will know when it's the only thing you know for sure!
We were in a committed relationship until he broke up with me at the end of July. After a month he contacted me and I was so happy to be in touch that I accepted crumbs. He was clear that he didn't want a commitment and I accepted whatever he would give which wasn't much. There was a last straw moment on 11/5 and I cut off contact. It has taken me until yesterday to stop checking his social media. I wonder a lot if I did the right thing. But I wonder a little less each day because I am remembering my value a little more each day. I still believe that he loves me but if he is not doing anything about it, what's the point? I deserve someone who can't bear the thought of being without me. That's the way I love him which is why it hurts so damn bad. I felt really strong that day. I can't even remember how that felt because it is so hard now. But I am proud of myself because even though it has been so hard, I know that every day I stand by my decision, I am choosing me. I have to let go of hope that he will come around because it delays my healing. This is why after 6 weeks I finally decided to go cold turkey on looking at his social media because I realized I was just picking at a wound. I hope I can update this in 6 more weeks and say I've stuck to that. I am so sorry you are going through this. Heartache is the worst pain. I'm 42 and there are so many moments of feeling fear that he was it. But I have to believe that there will be love again and accepting the crumbs was so frustrating and painful and it did teach him he could do whatever he wants. I want the guy I first fell for who text me every morning and couldn't wait to see me. I know I'm rambling and I'm all over the place. I'm sorry. This email was so timely I couldn't not reply. What she writes is so true. So painful but so true. But I have to remember that on that day where I felt so strong, I followed my gut, the pain and frustration was too much, and that time will heal. I do love me even though for many months, I was loving him more than me. I love me. That is what I have to say to myself the moment fear and sadness creep in...which feels like all the time. But every day I learn that I have to grow so that I will be able to have good relationship when love comes again. And believe that it will. I deserve it. So do you. <3
Thank you Melody!
'I want the guy I first fell for who text me every morning and couldn't wait to see me.' Yes, I had that guy too, until the last few weeks - and like you, I'm in my early 40s. I think the sheer extent and abruptness of the sea change in their behaviour is what makes things extra hard. Why why why why???!!! Can it really be true that someone goes suddenly from ardent love to nothing? How do they do it, how do they turn the taps off just like that?!
I sent him a little Christmas present with a note saying I'd bought it a while ago, thought I might as well send it since I thought he'd like it anyway, and wished him a happy Christmas. Nothing more. He'll have received it by now - no acknowledgement and I bet there never will be.
So, thank you for reminding me that self-love is the only way to go. Thankfully, like you, I am wonderful so that makes it easier!
Beautifully spoken, Melody. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to walk through this process with you. You understand because you're there. And every day leads to the next until the kind of love you didn't even know you were looking for finds you like it always does, like it will, like you deserve. Your gut always knows so much more than we give it credit for. No apologies. Ramble as much as you need to. Our stories need to be expressed until they no longer have such control over us. Love could never EVER be so cruel that there could not be love again!
This was so lovely in so many ways Melody - I could "feel" your pain! I went through such a hard time over the holidays, if I knew you were out there, I would have connected with you! I also went cold turkey on the social media.... the things we do to protect ourselves. Hope all is going well for you now.
This message was so timely for me, Jane.
Today, I renewed my subscription to the dating website on which we met (and joined another for good measure), and it's brought back so many sad memories for me, filling my eyes with tears several times over in the last 24 hours. How right it seemed from the first messages between us. How exhilarated we became at having found each other, at last. How, later, we laughed with relief when we told each other that we had cancelled our subscriptions. How we wondered whether we should let the dating website know that we were one of their great success stories, and then wondered how we could possibly articulate the extraordinary odds of two souls like us having found each other. There followed four months of intense love and affection between us, months of constant messages, phone calls, intimacy, openness and laughter. Months in which he told me that he would never ever let me go, in which he begged me never to leave him, in which he whispered about marriage and 'forever'. Months in which loved poured constantly from our lips. Months in which I truly felt that I'd found the man I could spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate, and although the odds against us were high (long distance, money), that our love would be enough to carry us through.
And then he suddenly changed. Suddenly I wasn't good enough for him - too fat (I'm tiny), too plain (I'm gorgeous), too money-oriented (I earn a proper living). Suddenly he wasn't good enough for me - no profession, no money, no prospects, too messed up (those things ARE true!) Suddenly he didn't know what he wanted any more - and that whatever it was, it didn't seem to include me. He was cold and mechanical with me in bed, and started talking about me and us in the past tense, shortly before he told me he didn't love me any more.
At that moment, after several weeks of coldness, criticism and push-pull behaviour from him, I simply said 'goodbye', put the phone down and closed the door.
Two months of no contact have gone by, and I thought I was done with him - I thought I'd exorcised him and the relationship from my system, that I was truly ready to move on. But it's clear that I'm not quite there yet. That, unbelievably to me, there are still more tears to be shed over this man who treated me so cruelly and yet who I clearly love even now.
I know all the reasons why I should let go and move on - I've written them down, repeatedly. But somehow I keep going back there, as if there's some part of the lesson I haven't yet learnt. What the hell is it that stops me from letting go? I know the relationship would never work, and would never have worked. I know he's not coming back, and I know that I wouldn't want him back either so profound and unappealing are his flaws. I know now that, had we married, it would quickly have been an unmitigated disaster. I know I can do so much better than him, and that this whole episode is simply half a year in my life, a life which is otherwise filled with success, happiness and love. But still my heart weeps at having lost him, my love. Or is it simply loss that makes me weep, the 'having lost' rather than what I have 'lost' (which is a man who may never really have loved me and who may be incapable of love at all)?
Whatever it is, I have to move on and start again. However much it hurts me to do so, I have to get out there and see what my future holds now I know it won't have him in it. The first message I got from a man today told me that I am 'breathtakingly beautiful'. That helps!
I hear you, Squirrel.
From where I stand now, when I read your comment what I see is a man who has no idea what love is. He didn't really love you. You both got caught up in the fantasy, the fairy tale.
That's why you feel you can't move on. You're mourning your fantasy, that's what truly hurts for us, it's not the guy but what you projected on to him.
What helped me when I went through the last disappointment was to meditate and go back to what I really felt when I was with him and that's how I could objectively observe that I felt anxiety around him most of the time, and other times I liked how I felt because of his words: they were just words, but I believed them even though the actions didn't match, so this meant it was me and what I chose to believe what really made me feel good, it wasn't really him. This was one of the many amazing realizations that came to me and allowed me to see things for what they were. I didn't really like the person he was when I started thinking of him objectively. I realized I was pursuing a fantasy of my own making and that I was so busy chasing it that I was blind to the actual person and how wrong he was for me.
It hurts for a bit, but when we're actively discovering ourselves in this process of getting over them and moving on, we realize how worth it it is to walk away and get clear on who we are and what we truly need.
Angel, thank you so much for your words - they have helped me enormously. I think I'm finally ready to realise that this was about our mutual propensity, his and mine, for getting totally carried away with our fantasies. It felt incredibly real when we were in it. But his actions indeed proved that he had no idea how to make those fantasies come real, that is, how to love me or anyone maybe. Your reminder to remember what 'the real' was really like, even when things felt good, was spot on. Yes, there were things I worried about, things which he adamantly promised he would address but never did...
I also remember Jane's post in which she says 'It's so much more important to want what is! You want reality, you want the truth, you want what's real'. Those words have been in my head a lot these past few days, so thank you again, Jane.
Angel, I love your quote - "I didn't really like the person he was when I started thinking of him objectively." I can so relate. Its when I finally poked the fantasy with a pin that I was able to look at the relationship objectively. I would laugh at myself for having hung in there for so long. And sometimes I would cry rivers - for the realization that I subjected myself it for that long. Objectivity - that's the key.
"Breathtakingly beautiful" - As if we need someone to confirm this for us, we don't know it ourselves. But this is what you are, Squirrel! Breathtakingly so to the one who is truly right for you! Our stories hurt so much. We play them on and on in our heads, what could have been, what surely should have been, until we drive ourselves crazy with the loss of it all. And yet, how can you lose someone who doesn't want to be lost? Write out the story playing out in your head, the one that brings the tears, that makes them flow into the river they become at the loss of it all. Write it out until there is nothing more to write - for now - and then write it all out again with the version of that day and what you are feeling in that moment each and every time the story invokes those tears. The way out is through. Through the tears. Through the story that becomes the story when, and only when, we're ready to see it as the story and not as our lives and what should have been. We're not done until we're done. There is no timeline for our dreams, our hopes, our hearts. There's only going through, still going through and then the freedom that comes when we can finally see through our tears that there is more, so much more, to the story we've been telling ourselves. There's a life just waiting for us to begin!
4 years... 4 long physically draining, emotionally exhausting, mentally confusing years that I still don't know was really "love". I felt and I still kinda feel so much for him and I don't know if it's love or more sympathy ... When it was good it was good, but when it was bad it was devastating for both him and I. Many times out of frustration I would "over react" them some how some way we would come back together however for me each time it seemed like another "peace" of me had been chipped away. After my last episode of frustration he told me "I ruined his life" (which was news to me) but I think somewhere deep down inside I felt like he may have been right, although 98% of my reactions were due to his selfish actions, 95% in which he felt were justified because he is a 42 year old "grown man ". Any who... I think at the point I finally realized there was something wrong I began to try and nurture him and put in as much love as I could while at the same time trying desperately not to lose myself (mental confusion) each time being halted in my efforts by his "manhood" Longer story short, I knew for a long time it should have been over its just something inside me said he can be fixed... I know that's insane because the thought of him being around again is HEAVY.
With all the back and forth in and out I recently started to be more open with my 4 children about his frequent absence, 1 in which I think painfully sympathises and the other 3 miss him terribly (of course unaware of the ugly details) daily I struggle with letting go completely.
And oh how we want to fix, to make it better, to love them enough to make EVERYTHING better. How I hear you, Tiffany. And how what you said resonates with so many. Thank you for sharing. Letting go one step at a time, one day and sometimes even one moment at a time, is how we with hearts like ours, do this. I don't know of any other way we can.
Tiffany, I find that there are certain men that know the right things to say to get us right back where they want us. In other words, "You ruined my life" may have been a manipulative way to keep you from letting go completely. Mine was in his 50s saying "You broke my heart...you devastated me..." etc. and all the things he knew would get to me, b/c I wouldn't hurt a fly and he knew it. So it was his way of getting me to feel sorry for him and it worked. I'd go crawling back to fix everything and completely forget why I left in the first place. And he got just want he wanted, more of me for his own benefit. He certainly didn't feel bad when he did things that made me suffer! And if I said, "you broke my heart" to him, it had no effect. That's when I started to wake up and smell the coffee. There are women with extremely soft hearts and men who know them sooo well. I don't necessarily believe there is malicious intent - more like a subconscious game that gets played. I'm finally free of it and I will never let that kind of thing happen to me again.
I'm new here - first of all, thanks Jane for your wonderful website - so strengthening and right on par!
What an interesting phenomena - we know we want to move on, but yet feel like we wish we didn't have to. I recently stopped dating a guy after him telling me that "rationally it's all perfect, but he's just not feeling it emotionally". It was painful and disappointing but I knew I couldn't keep going out with him like this. My frustration at his indifference either way and his lack of ability to express any appreciation for me was too difficult. Now, I don't regret that we're not going out still, I just am hurting at the loss of what was so close and could have been. Clearly he's not the one for me at this point but there is still the hope that I'll get some message from him that he's thought things over and realized that he does want this relationship. In the meantime, I am doing my best to move on and strengthen myself and find a guy who deserves me and is ready like I am for a serious relationship.
Deborah, I am always curious when I read these stories: did he say "why" he couldn't get closer to you? Did he tell you what he was looking for in a relationship because that is what prevents men from getting "emotionally" close to us.
I hope you found someone else.
Welcome, Devorah! I'm so glad this is resonating with you. There is nothing that keeps us holding on more than "what was so close and could have been." You're not alone! But what we need - and deserve! - is so much more than the fantasy of what we imagine it could have been in our beautiful hopeful imaginations, but the real life reality of how he treats you, how he shows you by his actions that he's on the same page as you. That's what you deserve. Not a mere fantasy but a reality you can see right in front of you. Refuse to settle for anything less than what's real and you'll find that's exactly what finds you.
Hi Anastasia, I was in something similar but it wasn't long distance. On again / off again... I met my guy after joining Facebook and he was a HS classmate. Didn't know him very well in HS but when I met him I knew I need to be with him. So, we start a relationship. I was not in a good place in my life and he ran. It was painful but I was not in the right place to entertain a relationship with him. Fast forward a year later and him moving away I decided to move near him. NOT because of him but because of other variables that convinced me that it would be a good idea. He called me to make sure I wasn't moving because of him. I was relieved to received his phone call and told him directly "No!!"... But I Thanked him and we ended the call. I moved. 4 days after me getting there.. guess what happened. He called me and a very emotionally distant relationship began. I knew where he was, he was not into getting into a relationship with me, so I knew going in that I could not expect much. So we had fun together. He was doing very well with getting close to me but he had the "push me away" actions at times. But I didn't care. I was not expecting anything from him. I was having a good time with him and me loving my new home. At one point I needed to bring to his attention my feelings for him. So I told him that I loved him. He was happy to hear it and he eventually asked me to come visit with him for a Memorial Day w/e. Wow... nervous and interested to see how this would pan out I spent 3+ days with him. It was a great w/e and usually couples find out if the 2 of you can be together more than 24 hours. For me it was great. It was great for him too because he would have found out a way to get rid of me if he wasn't comfortable. So, the w/e ended and I was intrigued and still interested in knowing how this would work out. Well, he got very distanced with me as July 4th was getting closer. He was ignoring me, wouldn't respond to my emails and I finally sent him an email and said "I think it best for him to not contact me anymore". He responded 2 weeks later and said "because of my ex and my age I didn't want a commitment". My response "me neither. I just wanted to enjoy time with you". We continued an on again / off again relationship that I was okay with but he would show signs of his immaturity to relationships and I just let it go. It continued until for 2 more years.
Looking back what I realized about him and his distance towards me was there was another girl in the picture. Yes, there were others that he posted on Facebook but I knew it was nothing but he was trying to tell me that he was not healthy enough to be in a relationship. He eventually tried to hurt me so badly but I honestly hate to say this but karma showed up. The girl that showed up and he thought he could date ended up finding a boyfriend and eventually married. He freaked out, cleared out everyone on his Facebook page and he won't talk to me now. Very sad and yes when I got to the point that he was not worth my time I ended it and about 4 months later after justifying my actions I met more men.
It was like Jane said, one you know (inside) and you let your attachment go regarding this guy more men start showing up. You have to go through the process to eliminate and let go to emotional open yourself up to knew men.
I am SO over the guy I just talked about and have met new men. Nothing long lasting but my attachment is gone. I do wish we could become friends because I will always love him but he just isn't or won't grow up emotionally to say he needed to learn something. There is a lot more to this story but they are all excuses for why he did what he did to me. It doesn't matter. You deserve to have someone there that meets your expectations.
I hope this helps.
So insightful, Virgo Ellie. Thank you for sharing from your own experience. I'm sure it will.