This week our letter comes from a GUY for a change! Yes, one of our handsome male readers! He calls himself "Mr. Indecisive", which should tell you a bit about the story you're about to hear.
Here's his email:
Hi Jane,
I'm a 28 year old male, unfortunately I also have been diagnosed with anxiety...so this hasn't made my issue any easier...
I came across your website and wanted to send you a question I have been struggling on and off with...
I met a woman, a wonderful woman, and we developed a wonderful relationship together over the past 5 months.
Unfortunately big events are coming up which have made me...Mr. indecisive...
She is in the military and brought up about whether she leave the military entirely in Oct. or...she stays in and leaves my state for 4 years and I go with her. Either way, we are discussing engagement rings and this...has...terrified...me since...
Later on she did clarify that she simply meant she wanted to know if there was a possibility of a future with her (she does not want to get engaged at this time), but that question has apparently triggered me.
Do I see a future? Yes. Do I see kids? Yes.
However I also have begun to see her superficial flaws which have begun to reinforce my thoughts of flight.
I have been stressing to no end...and when I mean no end I mean 8 days solid. I've been looking in my head and my heart for answers but neither seems obvious to me...looking online has only made things substantially worse as some of the things I'm reading has told me, "any doubts, cast her out" , "if your stressed...leave." , "if you are finding yourself holding back...end it." , "because you are starting to find superficial issues with her...end it." , "if your having doubts, it's because you truly do not love her...end it." etc. etc. etc.
I've noticed, since I've been stressing, that I think about two distinct questions..."I think I should go." which is followed by a sudden urge of flight response. After I think about that feeling, I immediately think "but I want to stay with her!" but when I think about staying, I get stressed which then cycles back to the "Can I be with this woman? Am I truly ready?" and the cycle continues endlessly.
I do see someone for my anxiety, but I feel they are not helping...especially since I feel I need to make a decision...today.
I know that you cannot answer my question...I know no one can...I feel rather childish looking for someone to tell me what to do...the adult thing would be to make a decision and go for it...I'm just scared...
To sum things up, hopefully you may shed wisdom on this... here are my boiled down thoughts...
I look at her and feel a sudden urge of fleeing with the thought of "I think I need to leave."
My feelings at the moment are:
I feel scared
I feel stressed
I feel depressed
I feel like running
I do not have strong attachment to her (at this time)
I feel unhappy (due to stress)
I'm afraid my feelings for her won't comeback (they have dwindled since I've been stressing)
I then think about actually leaving her...and I immediately think "But! But I WANT to be with her! I think this relationship IS right!"
My feelings at the moment are:
I feel scared
I think it is the right choice
I do not want to feel sad (I'd been devastated to leave her.)
I want to be with her
I want to be happy again
I want to hold/touch/hug her
I want her to hold/touch/hug me
I feel GOOD holding/touching/hugging her
I feel GOOD listening to her voice
I feel GOOD just being in the room with her or doing any number of activities with her.
As far as our relationship goes...we are emotionally and physically compatible (I think she's cute, but since i've been stressing these feelings have dwindled.) I REALLY love her personality, and she definitely feels like more than just a lover, but a best friend.
Again,
I know you cannot tell me what to do...I feel very childish asking for help. I guess what I am asking is...is my thought to leave with my head, or my heart? Is my want to stay with my head or my heart?
I reviewed your list of reasons to end things...I can answer "no" to almost all of them, the only one I was kinda hesitant on answering "no" was "comfort" level. Is this relationship comfortable? Absolutely (just not right now due to stress).
However I am definitely not afraid to be alone or by myself, and in the past if things were bad, I didn't dwell on this thought as much as I have with this current relationship.
Can you please give me advice?
- Mr. Indecisive
My Response:
The irony! That we discover we can choose, but we don't know how to.
I chose your letter today, Mr. Indecisive, because the dilemma you're describing here is universal on so many levels. This is the crux of what so many of the women – and men, yes, you're not the only male here – struggle with.
Afraid to stay, afraid to leave.
Afraid they might miss their one chance on a love that really is everything they've ever wanted if they go. Afraid they might miss their one chance on a love that really is everything they've ever wanted if they stay.
Ironic, isn't it.
But it's really the same thing. We don't trust ourselves to make our most important decisions in life. We don't know how to listen to ourselves, to hear what we need, to trust we know best.
Do our thoughts come from our heads or our hearts? Do our gut feelings come from our heads or our hearts? And does it matter? Or does it matter more what we do with those thoughts?
We feel ashamed, childish, for a reason. It's because we think we should be able to make a decision. We think we should know what to do. We think we should be able to trust ourselves and know what we know best. If we keep "shoulding" like this, we can go on and on and on with even more things we think we should be able to do, with more reasons why there's such a shame in asking for help.
It's why we want to hide, we don’t anyone to know we're asking for help. We just want to know the answer.
Why are we so anxious?
The question is really how can we not be? So much is at stake! We're so programmed with the idea of the one and only, the Mr. or Ms. Right, of soulmates, of one chance and if you blow it, it's gone.
Punishment. Shame. Blame.
So much hangs over us. We've taken all of this on ourselves.
Is that you under there? Hidden underneath that weight? I see you there. Come on out, Mr. Indecisive.
Does she do this to you? No, not her, but the idea of committing to her and what she represents to you; commitment. You don't know what you want, but you think you know what you should want, until you don't know if that's what you want anymore.
Let's put all thoughts of her aside for a moment and focus on the one person who knows what to do. You.
Because you really do!
If you can let all the noise around you disappear, if you can listen instead to your own heart, this isn't nearly as complicated as it seems.
You're here with her for a reason. You've chosen her for a reason. If there was no pressure, if there were no shoulds, would you want to be with her? Then be with her. There's only pressure and shoulds because you've allowed them to be put on you.
This is between the two of you, not anyone else. Not the people in your life who hold you to such high expectations and set the stage for you from the time you were a little boy who didn't know any better than to take their own fears and pressures on you. Not the culture that doesn't serve you – or her - well at all. Not your well-meaning friends and family and coworkers who only reinforce the cultural ideals.
We all have flaws.
Relationships are about two very human people who can live with each other's very human flaws. You navigate your relationship together, not outside of yourself on anyone else's terms.
The very best relationships are always between two humans who know how to let their hair down and be real with each other, not two idealized perfect people who only know how to do surface. We always see flaws when we find ourselves falling under someone else's expectations, trying to measure up to them.
There's only the terms you set for yourself, Mr. Indecisive. Don't let this scare you. Take it slow. Let her know this is new unchartered territory for you but you're working your way through. Be honest with her. She can decide what she needs to do for herself.
But don't run. This isn't about her, this is about you.
She's showing you the mirror. What you do with that reflection she shows you of yourself is up to you. But if who she is and what you're looking for are one and the same, as it sounds like it might be, don't be afraid to feel a little uncomfortable as you work your way through.
There's her and then there's you. She can't make you be or do anything you don’t want to be or do. Don't be afraid of that part.
You can't lose yourself in her unless you choose to.
Is she here to control you, or is she here to love you? There's a difference, even if the two were confused before. Maybe you've never been loved for you before. And maybe this is the beginning of finding out what that's like for the first time in your life.
You're absolutely right, I can't tell you what to do, but I hope my thoughts here have conveyed the message you needed to hear, and I hope it helps.
Love,
Jane
As I read your letter. I could not help but feel your frustration. Love and relationships is a Wonderful thing but when you start picking up signs in the beginning it's really the spiritual sense in US giving us a warning that this is about to be a mistake. And that sense of uneasiness is never wrong. Love should not be back and forth, when your with the right person the God has designed for you, it's smooth sailing not complicated. God is not the Author of Confusion. I hope that my note assist you. God blessed,
hello mr indecisive, what a letter, my boyfriend is so like you we have been together 4 years and we are so lovely together ,but i have now asked the lets get together question, he is so afraid to commit or to leave, i am very much in to committed , but i will not stay waiting for ever, there is a life out there ,what have you to lose , in any thing , it has a start and end , but if you never start trying a life with someone , then at the end of you life, what will you have , to try is to start curating memorise of yes i loved that, and hey that didnt work or wow that did , but if you stay afraid then ,later in life you will think i should of tried that ,because if you dont try ,then whats you life for , it about bringing new people into your world, and if thy like what thy see ,you grow together and have a wonderful life together and a family begins, or a lonely old man sits there ,with what ifs, instead of a rich life of living all around him, what have you got to lose, it sounds like you would truly miss he if you went different paths,and she sounds like a lady how is willing to
trust you and give it her all,she is trusting you ,it is her future to ,is she doting you , she is committed, we all now it can fail,but never trying is in my eye is far more painful, than knowing you gave it you all.
Indecisiveness is mentally exhausting. I am seeing someone who is frustratingly good for me. He answers everything on my relationship "checklist" and yet I struggle with my own inability to be smitten with this man that I have been wishing for over those who treated me disrespectfully and dismissively (like my dad!). I keep asking myself what the hell is wrong with me?!! If this same guy were to suddenly dismiss me I would instantly fall head over heels in love. I don't understand my own behavior except to know that I am looking for something familiar that isn't necessarily healthy. Why isn't it enough to recognize my pattern? Why can't I correct it? I am so frustrated with my own inability to treasure a wonderful man over those that treat me like I am disposable. Can anyone explain this to me? Sorry Mr. Indecisive, I just made this all about me. I meant to tell you that you are not alone when it comes to these uncertain feelings for someone we do in fact care about. Are we afraid to go "all in?" Are we trying to create something that really isn't there? I don't know either.
What has helped me in this situation is to be honest with myself and find what it is I don't like. There's always something that's overriding the great qualities he has.
Your pattern changes when you want it to. There might still be something unresolved and it might also be that this treasure of a man is not the one for you.
It's not fair for you to string him along if you truly feel he's not it.
The last time this happened to me I realized I wasn't attracted to him. I just didn't want to be kissed or physical with him. It just simply wasn't there. It sucked, but I feel better for being true to myself and respectful towards him. He was great, but he just wasn't the right one for me.
Have some patience with yourself and remember it's supposed to feel good. Your goal is to be happy. After that, someone else might show up to share your happiness.
I am going through this currently with my ex, he chose to leave...not because he didnt love me. He cant explain it except he felt like he wasnt ready for the love that I have to offer. He kept saying that he wasnt as in love with me as I was with him. Yet he still tells me he misses me, but stopped saying he loves me two weeks ago. We dated for six months, and have been split up for 1.5 months. He doesnt want to be in a relationship right now. He felt like he had so much ahead of him to explore but felt like he needed to do it alone. He got married young, stepdaughter, and an ex that keeps trying to pull him back in and once she does, she tosses him out. Its like they dont have closure. This was only issue in our relationship.
He moved 1800 miles away on a whim and called/texted me everyday, multiple times for the first month. As of two weeks ago, the the calls went to every two days. I asked him for space and its now been a week without talking. Hes 27, trying to figure out his future whereas I have done that already and I am ready to find my partner in crime. I know in my heart, we were wellmatched, and this is the hardest thing to let him go. I have my good days and my bad, and as hard as I try I cant understand it. I ask him if hes happy, he says hes happy but not happy. hes content not looking for more just trying to figure himself out. Then, he tells me things like... I am the first relationship where it felt like the love was pure, we loved eachother for who we are, it wasnt volatile. if we argued, we discussed it and met eachother halfway. He even said that even though we spent a ton of time together, he never felt like he needed to be alone. I think in his mind, if its not volatile, is it not love. I think hes confused for his love for his ex, their history...versus our love. He keeps saying its not about our love, that I need to have faith, that if I believe in us as much as I say I do then I need to trust that he needs to do this for him and if its meant to be it will be. He blames himself for having a failed marriage and its almost like he doesnt think he should be happy. When he first left, he felt like he made the biggest mistake, but still refused to come home. He says he cant explain it but right now he doesnt want a relationship with his ex or with me, that he needs himself. he needs to learn to love himself before he can receive my love. I get it but I dont. We had something beautiful and I question it because he walked away.
I am on an emotional roller coaster... I go from understanding to sad to angry. I am in love with this man. I dont want to move on, but I dont want to put my life on hold. what if he meets someone else, what if he never comes back. Now, it seems like hes starting to shut down and turning into someone bitter and angry because of his choices and I dont know how to reach him.
*** in love with an indecisive man***
My dear-
You are going thru something very painful and stressful. He is not indecisive-he loves you-he is also struggling with how tou fit into his life while he figures things out.
My advice-and ita hard to do-but worth it-give him total space-no talkong texting or emailing for about a month or two then see what happens.
Tell him that you also need time and space to process what is going on with him and that in a month or two -youll reconnect.
My sense is that if you give him the space he needs and you honor yourself by not involving yourswlf with his uncertainty you will deepen his love and respect for you.
Whats yours, is always yours, so dont be afraid to give him spave-he may date but if its true love-you will win! And if it wasnt then you dont want him-trust me:)
Thank you ... That's the decision I came up with a week ago. He has made it really difficult by tagging me in things on Fb...when I'm hanging out with our mutual friends he asks to talk to me and I say no. He called me exactly a week later, Last night. he called and I answered. It was a short 20 min call...I notice I don't feel comfortable opening up about me because im hurt and I shift attention to him. So today I start over...day 1 no contact. Your completely right, what's yours is yours and if not then I'm better off. Thank you.
I believe in everything you said about if its true love it will be and what's yours is always yours. Thank you.
I agree. Put simply, if you love someone , set them free. I think he'll come around if you let go and let him realize his love for you all on his own. He will feel lucky if you haven't found someone new! Have faith in your greatness and don't put your life on hold in the meantime. You are still super young. I work with retirees that fall in love in their 80s. Have faith in yourself. You'll do just fine even if he moves on. Good luck! Remember your worth!!
I just wanted to give an update... We never went no contact, but it did go down to no texts, no facebook, just one brief phone call a week. I guess he could tell that I was trying to not be present for those. It wasnt until I accepted the fact, that even thought I loved him, it was time for me to move on, that it seemed like he wanted me more. So he tried three way calling me with his best friend. Then he started tagging me on facebook and posting things that made me remember memories. Then about two weeks ago, he started texting me multiple times and calling me. Last weekend, we talked for about four hours and he told me he loved me, he wants to committ to me, and would I be willing to give our relationship a second chance to see where it can go because he feels like we hve a once in a lifetime kindof love. I said yes. Hes in california right now and Im in Texas. Two days later California offered him a $10/hr raise. Yesterday he turned it down and requested to transfer back to Texas - with no guarantees of the same promotion and it could be a lateral move. Last night, he starts to freak out that he wants to give us a shot but he wants us to be on the same page that we can make promises when we dont know whats going to happen. All he can promise is to give us a chance. I am an optimist and I want to believe in the fairytale and this freaks him out - so he wants to make sure that I know he may or may not be able to give me the whole 9 yards because he is trying to get himself stable. To me, I don't know if hes being negative, second guessing himself or if hes changing his mind... all I know is that I love him, Im not asking for marriage or kids rightaway or even in next couple years, but I want to enter this the second time believing anything is possible. I know it cant go back to the way it was, too much has happened, but I hope it can be better than it was. I know I am scared that I am going to be hurt again, but I love him and I think its worth it even if it doesnt work out.
Hi Mr. Indecisive.
I don't think you are indecisive at all. I think you are normal and what you are going through is natural.
See, we all think love and relationships are black and white. Honestly, the relationships and our experience exist in a lot of grey.
With that said, what are some "grey" solutions to help you charter these rough waters?
Maybe its a temporary breakup, so you can take time to explore and process your feelings without pressure, perhaps to really sense life without her?
Maybe its taking a vacation together to explore what life might be like if you lived together each and every day?
Maybe its asking to take a step back so you can process what is happening for you?
None of these suggestions maybe the right one for you, but I do know that there is a solution out there that will help you to determine what makes sense for you and it probably won't happen over night, or in a forum.
One of the issues we have is that we all grow up with a fairy tale about love, if it is not cinderella, its some other ideal of love, and then when it doesn't happen that way, or the girl doesn't look just like the fairy princess, we think its not love, or its not right, when maybe our journey though love and with this princess is exactly what our fairy tale is supposed to be.
The only way to know is to take little steps toward exploration. And I might add that I would recommend she attend a therapy session with you. She does not need to know about your ambiguity or dilemma, so if she attends the session to get a little better acquainted with you, it will be a huge help to you and your therapist, trust me.
There are a lot of great responses here. You are blessed with amazing support and a wealthy of inner guidance that led you to her, this place in your life, and this forum, so you are doing just fine.
Find the grey solution, there is always one and that will always lead you to more black and white. The key is getting through all the grey, and all the great steps first.
Good luck. Everything is going to be AMAZING
Your insightful response to Mr. Indecisive is beautiful, PurpleOrchard. And so revealing. Thank you!
Dear Mr. Indecisive,
The timing of your letter is perfect for me. I just finished reading Men Who Can't Love by Steve Carter.
It was written in 1987 for women to understand men who are terrified to commit, who we now label as "emotionally unavailable."
It really helped me understand why my man is acting the way he does, and how my being more loving, mothering, wifey (as the author calls it) and nurturing actually make things worse and push him away more. I highly recommend it to all the women on this site and to you.
Hearing things from a man's perspective is so helpful.
Mr. Indecisive, you say you have anxiety, which the book talks about. The author goes as far as to call it commitmentphobia because of the phobic fight or flight responses it produces in these men.
It actually helped me to become more sympathetic to the problem these men face and to realize I can't cure them any more than I could cure a person with claustrophobia or any other phobia. It doesn't matter how they get this way - there can be many different reasons. It is just helpful to know what they are going through. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It must be so difficult to feel the way you do - loving someone yet wanting to flee at the same time. I wish you all the best. Therapy may be the only solution to help you understand your problem and recover from it
I am giving a link to a website with an interview with the author
He has written a new book called Getting to Commitment. I plan on reading this one asap.
http://commitmentphobia.com/interview.htm
Thanks for sharing, Deb, and for your words of support for Mr. Indecisive. This was also one of the first books I ever read on the subject when it was still a relatively new book, when I discovered much to my relief, that I wasn't alone. And neither are any one of us in whatever we're going through.
I have overthought and stressed and jumped because I put this imaginary idea that I had to make a decidion... Had to act because the feelings I put upon myself were overwhelming... The other person had little to do with the lighting of that fuse.
Truth be told, I really didnt have a fuse lit behind me to have to run a 50 yrd dash or to act at all..
I have learned and while it may or may not be the best course of action... Step back.... And do nothing.
Wait until you have calmed yourself down because you may have tossed fuel on that fuse your running in front of unnecessarily. After taking a deep breath... It usually becomes clearer ... Sometimes its your own fear and not the other person at all that creates the lit fuses and doubts
Wise words, Christina. Thank you.
I think he's just shy and afraid of commitment, because to be frank with you Jane.. mr.Indecisive needs some guidance. If this girl is right for him, why not try to work things out one step at a time.. But mr.Indecisive could not expect her to start first always, because when you see a girl throwing herself around? Imagine how broken her heart was... And the time when she mirrored him, they found each other.. He did not follow her and she did not follow him. They just met. I hope my comment helps 😉 she might as well needs some help, emotional security because as far as it concerns, girl like her its independent enough for herself.. As I see, she is also needs his guidance 🙂
All your comments help, Syl. Often in ways we never know!
Mr. Indecisive,
For me-Doubt means NO!
It does not mean no forever, it just means no for right now and that clearly you aren't ready to address engagement or commitment. The relationship is only 5 months new. Certainly not enough time to make that big of a commitment to get engaged.
Take your time. Stop stressing. Keep telling yourself to relax and what will be will be.
A lot of times, especially people with anxiety issues, we try to control everything and everyone but letting go and letting things evolve knowing we can not control the universe is a learned behavior. Reiterating to ourselves EVERY SINGLE DAY- "I am not in control of anyone or anything but ME!" If your afraid to lose your girl, you can not control that either. We can not make decisions based on fear of someone else leaving us because if she can't understand that you're just not ready (that's why your anxious about it) then she's not the person for you.
So true, Theresa. Thank you.
Well, I can relate to your feelings. I have a special someone in my life that I truly love but I often think should I leave or should I stay. Our relationship is complicated. He says we are just friends but gets upset if I text other guys. If we are just friends then it shouldn't matter who I text or what I text. We spend every holiday together and each other birthday. We help each other out financially. He let his family and friends think we are in a relationship but when I discuss my feelings he shut down and say we are just friends. I'm a little confused on the whole situation. I want someone to acknowledge me and what we have and put a title on our relationship because I'm confused. He acts like a boyfriend without the title of being my boyfriend. We only see each other. I understand that he has trust issues , and I don't know if I should continue to tolerate the way he is treating me or allow myself to be love by someone else. My heart won't let me move forward. Do anyone have any advice for me, I could appreciate it.
Hey D,
Honestly, you teach people how to treat you. IF he values you then he will CLAIM you as his girl to the world! You honestly should not have to ask...
He may be afraid of commitment but if you are what he wants, he'd put his own issues aside to keep you. If he can't make that commitment to the world knowing that that's what you desire then how much does he really value you or want you to stay???? Every woman wants to be claimed!
If you settle for anything and put what you desire second, then he will learn that it is OK to put you second.
He needs to be willing to consider what your feelings are and willing to do what it takes to keep you!
If not then someone else will. Love yourself until that ONE comes along!
All the things that you accept now will be the things that you'll regret later.
That's a promise!
Good luck
Thank you, Theresa. Oh how we do!
Hello Theresa, thank you for your encouraging words. I was afraid of letting go when I know that I'm deeply in love with him. But you are right, in order to gain the respect that I desire, I must take a stand.
And remember, D, it doesn't have to be physically letting go if you're not ready. The concept of letting go is just as much an emotional/spiritual detachment as a physical one.
D... my dear. Whenever I hear something like this going on I think, "This person doesn't realize that they actually know EXACTLY what they want and EXACTLY what to do." I think you're just really afraid to be honest with yourself (which happens to the best of us, sometimes!)
You see, without even realizing how truly strong you are, you have answered your own question. This is what you want: "I want someone to acknowledge me and what we have and put a title on our relationship." You even start the sentence by saying "I want" -- you know everything you need to know already inside of you!
Unfortunately, I think this man has made it very clear that he isn't willing to do these things for you, things that you deserve like that acknowledgment and relationship title you want so badly. My advice would be to leave this man. Once you're done mourning him, truly believe that you deserve that acknowledgment and relationship title you desire, keep yourself busy, and sooner or later, the man that will give you those things will show up! But, take care of yourself first.
Don't live in a state of desperation and sadness by living on his terms, create your own terms and live by them instead 🙂 Life's too short not to!
Thank you for this, Julie.
Hello Julie, thank you so much for your comment. It's hard for me to hear the truth. But I have to accept the truth and move forward.
Gosh I can so relate to you D your relationship mirrors the one I had in so many ways! I came out of a 7year relationship 3 months ago after realising I was worth so much more. It was a very hard thing to do as I still have feelings for my ex but I was no longer prepared to become what I felt was second best in his life. I believe he stayed with me because he didn't want to lose our friendship and just went along with things because he would rather do that than be on his own and I was putting up with it for probably the same reasons! We fell out so many times over the years and I was always the one who was always trying to fix things. I realise now at long last that I was doing everything wrong. We do still speak occasionally but I know longer make myself available to him in the way I did! This programme has helped me so much in coming to terms with who I am and what I want from life and any future relationships it is unbelievable. It came along at the right time and I thank you so much Jane xx
PS I now have 2 gorgeous dogs that have given me so much more to focus on. The fun and unconditional love I get from them is far more genuine and real than I have ever had from any man! Hopefully with my new mindset that will change but for the time being I am enjoying the new me and my new life!
Pps Mr indecisive you need to be real and honest to yousellf and your partner! Keep the channels of communication open even if you think it might hurt your partner! If you don't it will anyway just like it did for me!
You've received some great insight here already, D. He's showing you he is, he's letting you know his terms, the question is can you live with that? It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. Believe him when he says he wants to be friends, and then go out and live your live as though the two of you are friends. He's obviously doing what works for him; you do what works for you! Not to spite, not to show him that two can play his game, but because you have your own beautiful life, your own real needs, and you're not going to let him keep you from creating the life you want for yourself, regardless of what he is or isn't capable of. Free yourself, and you'll free him too. And then you'll see him for who he really is.
Hello Jane, thank you so much for developing a website therefore individuals can express their concerns and receives feedback. I value your opinion as well as Theresa and Julie. Again thank ya'll so much!
You're so welcome, D. I'm so glad you found your way here!
I think the response was perfect as far as the fear and anxiety piece. I would add that rushing into something after five months is not wise. There. Is a reason for the indecisiveness. Take your time to get to know each other better. Even if that means doing it long distance. If it's meant to be it will show and you'll know in your heart over time. Work on yourself in the meantime which will serve you either way.
Good luck!
Thanks for adding this, Pam. Wise words.
5 months is a really short period of time to be deciding whether or not to marry someone. I think that's partly why you're having so much anxiety about it. You probably don't have enough information to be able to make a life long decision like marriage. Could you try having a long distance relationship? Do you want to move to wherever she is going? Do you know her character and her private persona, not just what she presents to the world? Also Cheri above has some really good questions you need to be able to answer before you marriage someone. Good luck, let us know how it turns out.
Thanks for adding your insight here, Sallysue. These are great questions, too!
OK, take the focus off of the anxiety. Sit down with the piece of paper and write out what are the most important qualities TO YOU in a future wife/spouse/life mate. Have y'all thoroughly discussed all of these important things such as: do y'all's viewpoints match up? What about your religion and how y'all worship? What about finances and who is going to be the main person that takes care of paying the bills and how are y'all divider money and how will you decide on large purchases? Have you discussedhow you will discipline your children if you choose to have them and where they will go to school and how many do you plan to have, if any? What about your political beliefs and all core values do they match up? Do you both treat each other with love and respect? How do the two of y'all handle conflict? These are the type questions you need to be asking yourselves both of you both of you need to be willing to both give 100% commitment, love, and dedication. Quit worrying about trying to make a quick decision and have an anxiety probably have an anxiety because all of these things have not been discussed or decided.
All of the above, Cheri. It's the answers to each of these questions and so many more that will matter so much when the reality of what it means to be in a real relationship with a real person sinks in. Knowing these before, not after the fact, is so important. Thank you for adding to the conversation!