One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to remain anonymous (I've called her "Hurting"), has been dating a man for 3-1/2 years who has been playing with her heart, but she just can't bring herself to let go.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane:
I would like to start off by saying how much I enjoy receiving your newsletters everyday. Sometimes, when I read them, I feel like you can see right into my current situation.
I have been with a man for 3 1/2 years now (IF you want to call it being with) who has been playing with my heart. For the first year and a half, he made it very clear that I was just a temporary fixture in his life. He did tell me that he couldn't promise anything, and who knew what tomorrow would bring.
But, he would lie to me a lot.
After the first year and a half, he told me that he loved me, too (yes, it took him almost 2 years to say he loved me). After that, things were good for a few months. But, to be honest, he would and still does lie so much that I don't believe anything he says.
After another 6 months, he went back to telling me that he couldn't promise me anything, and who knows what tomorrow brings. He also pointed out that if another man came along and we hit it off, as much as he would hate to lose me, he would let me go because that would be best for me.
Fast forward to 3 years.
We went to his company's holiday party, and it was a great evening. After the party, he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. The winter went well, for the most part. There were still a lot of lies about so many things that it was ridiculous.
Now, 8 months later, after a fight that we had, he is telling me that he values my friendship more than anything. That he isn't having sex with anyone else, nor does he want to have sex with anyone else. And, he repeated about if I met another man.
I think it is important to know that I have driven to him for 3 1/2 years, the entire time I have known him. He has never once driven to me.
Everything is on his schedule: Us talking, seeing each other, etc. He has never once gone out with me when I HAVE invited HIM. HE has either ignored it, blown it off, or forgotten about me asking altogether.
He has a lot of female friends. A lot.
And, when we do go out, it is always with his friends, according to his plans. Women do hit on him a lot. And he takes every opportunity to point it out to me. He lies about where he goes, who he's with, etc. I know that I am a temporary fixture in his life. But, for some crazy reason, I still want to be with him.
It drives me crazy.
I cry almost every day because I know the reality. I'm not building a fairy tale in my head. And, that makes me even crazier. Don't know why I would want him, when it's clear that we aren't on the same page.
One minute he tells me that he's in love with me and wants to be with me. 8 months later, he is calling me his friend with benefits.
Oh: He was telling me that he loved me every week for the past 8 months. But, he has not told me that he loves me at all in the past 2 months.
I am so confused.
He is playing games with me and it really hurts. I don't know how to remove myself from this situation. We talk everyday, and if I don't hear from him, I start panicking.
I know that I am attached. This has consumed all of my time, and it is really hurting me. Which, in essence, is hurting my children.
HELP!!!!
- Hurting
My Response:
Dear Hurting,
I’m so glad you reached out to me. My emails always seem to reach the ones who need the message within them – so it’s no wonder they feel like I’m talking directly to you.
In so many ways, I am!
Because it’s no accident that there comes a time when we’re ready to hear what we couldn’t hear before. A time when we’re ready to see what we couldn’t see before. And most importantly, a time when we’re ready to do what we couldn’t bring ourselves to do before. That’s why I’m here.
Beautiful, this isn’t a relationship you're in.
This is you playing to a script that has you giving your heart and soul to a man who couldn't care less about you except on those rare occasions when he wants something from you.
Why are you with this man? What’s in this for you?
These are the questions that jump out at me. What are you getting from being with someone who you can’t trust, you isn’t on the same page as you, whose actions have you crying like this?
There’s a hurting little child here. More than one.
There are the innocent ones who have no say in this. And there’s another innocent one who didn’t have any say in what was shown to her a very long time ago when she learned the programming that has attracted her to this type of man.
That’s you, Hurting.
But the past doesn’t have to predict your present or your future! You can change this. If you can’t see the power you possess within yourself to change this, get some help so that you can. Life isn’t meant to be lived like this; nor is love ever meant to feel this way.
This is about a choice you have all power in the world to make! Choose what you will, but choose so that you can take back the power he holds over you.
Either choose this man who hurts you, who has you hurting your children because you choose him over anything else and this affects how you can be as a mother to them.
But choose this, not as a victim, not because there is no other option, not because you’re so confused, not because you simply can’t not choose him, but because you are in control here, you hold the power here, and so you choose him.
Or you can decide to choose you and your children.
That’s really what this comes down to, Hurting.
I know it feels like that epic love story with you playing the role of the tragic heroine who knows what she needs to do, yet somehow can’t because you believe in a love that conquers all, and that if you only give him a little more time to sort out his confusion, you’ll win the prize – him.
There’s only one prize here: you.
You choose who’s the lucky man who gets to win your heart. You choose who he is. Not because of his potential, not because of what he says but can’t back up with clear, consistent actions. But because he shows you clearly and consistently so that there can be no confusion that he is either on the same page as you or he isn’t.
You have to actually have something to be able to lose it, Hurting.
What’s here for you? What does he give you besides a few crumbs to keep you holding on as the rest of your life passes you by?
Don’t let fear keep you from seeing what you actually have with this man – and what you don’t.
You remove yourself by choosing to remove yourself. If you can’t do this for you, do it for your beautiful children who are learning their worth from you. And do it for that little girl inside you.
He can’t play with your heart unless you allow him to.
Love,
Jane
What do you want to say to Hurting, to help her set herself free? Please tell her in the comments!
I can relate to this story and love your blog Jane. I was with a man for over a year. He was wonderful. Took care of me, was totally dedicated to me, I was the most important person in his life, told me he loved me everyday and did sweet things for me, spent holidays with his family and we were always together. Things were always great until I wanted more... I wanted keys to his house. We had a big fight and than he gave me the keys a week later stating that he has never given any girl keys to his house (he was 37). Eventually though he said he wanted to move in together. I was elated. He had never lived with anyone before. When our one year anniversary came, it was very romantic. I went home to another state to visit with my family a few weeks later and my sisters were asking me when I thought we might get married. We did talk about it a lot, but I kinda knew he had a commitment problem. I felt pressured and may have passed the pressure on to him because he broke up with me about a month later. Totally out of the blue with no signs.
He came back after a month and a half and said he wanted to work things out and that he may be scared of commitment (big surprise). Meanwhile his best friend was rooting for me and was trying to help us work things out ( she's a girl.) She told me that she knew he loved me, but that she didn't know if he could commit with me or anyone, and that he had gone the furthest with me He told me that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had and that his family and friends all loved me. He told me he was sorry and he would do anything to work things out with me. Well, I ended up going out of the country on a trip with a girlfriend (a trip to get over my heartbreak). He was super sweet the whole time, emailing me about how much he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come home. The day I came back, he acted very distant towards me. I asked him what was up, and he told me that he simply had no more love for me in his heart and his feelings had changed. He told me to get out of his house and leave. I was devastated. I had wasted 6 months of going back and forth with him.
I wrote him letters, telling him how much I loved him and how I never had a connection like this before. He ignored me. Later I found out that he started things up with another girl (who was a friend from school while we were broken up) and most likely cheated on me. I tried to get over him, but sent him emails now and than. He started replying saying that I was an awesome girlfriend and that he would always have the most respect and the best feelings for me.
I went about healing, and started to move on. Now a year later I am getting emails and texts from him. Random stuff, like he visited my hometown and how his nephew traveled to a place we were supposed to go to together. I would respond and he wouldn't respond back. Now a few days ago he tried the same thing. When I didn't respond, he texted me that he emailed me. I texted him something short and cordial and haven't gotten a response.
Why is he doing this to me? I thought he might have been missing me over the year we have been apart and finally wants to make things work with me. I want to get over this, but I do miss him and love him a lot. I feel like I will never have this connection again, but I know that its not healthy. But than again I do feel like maybe he did change and wants to truly make things better. If he loved me so much, why would he treat me like this?
I'm so sorry, Emily. I know how awful this is to you. Please know that it's him. His issues. His problems and they have nothing to do with you. This is all he can do. Push and pull. He's not stable and he's not capable of a healthy connection. That's what he's shown you. He texts and emails because he can. He just likes to know you still respond. But that's all. Remember that men do as we allow them to.
You hold the cards. You decide hoe your life turns out. It's not about him.
Thank you to each and every woman who showed up with a full heart and open mind. Thank you for the laughter and honest sharing and embracing of play and holding of hands and respecting of differences and singing and dancing and cocktailing and solituding and being your gorgeous, talented, loving, badass selves.
I ran across this website I am going through something similar. I was his best friend but always loved him the last 4 years . The last 2 years he got engaged and I'm going through a divorce . In October of last year they broke up and he asked me out . He was upfront with me he wanted no relationship just for fun. We do work together so everything was a secret with us . Every time we got close he would push away . The only time we would fight would be I wanted more and he didn't. So a week and half ago he told be he wants us to be friends nothing else. He has pretty much walked out and I don't know how to go back to being friends again. Today he told me I needed to move on and not think about this last year so we can be friends . How can a guy not care and especially a friend how you feel on what happened. I get I was his rebound girl but there always this intense feeling when we're together or in the same room. I have a choice to keep someone I love who doesn't love me in my life or try to forget . The problem is forgetting and that is a lot to ask.
Becca, this guy seems unable to commit in general: to a relationship, or to a friendship. He is asking too much from you and if you continue this on his terms, I think that you will only get more and more hurt.
Go through Jane's website, stories and advices - there are so many signs that the only wise thing to do is that You should walk away from him - and for good.
I can so relate to this story. I have been gi ing my heart and soul to someone for over two years now. What do I get in return? Nothing but hesrtache. Tired of the roller coaster I recently walked away from him and our friendship. It hurts but not as bad as the hurt I experienced everyday .
You're not alone, Renae. "It hurts but not as bad as the hurt I experienced everyday." - So true!
Beautiful words, Claire. I have a list of affirmations taped on the wall in my bathroom. One is, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I have all underlined to remind me that I don't have to do anything on my own; and that gives me comfort.
The women who respond on this site have a caring heart and women who are hurting need that love and support. May you be blessed too for sharing what was on your heart.
So this going to be a bit of a different take on the situation and hopefully it will be helpful on some level. I'll do my best to put this into words...
You take that love you so desperately are trying to give to someone who refuses to acknowledge it, and give it to yourself! You have the power to End the spiritual agreement that you have and thank him for helping you. As crazy as it sounds, he's helping you to love yourself. I spent a decade in a relationship with an abusive man and the most cathartic release that helped me to move on was to say (not to him) thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping me to see the enormous amount of strength I have and what can live through. And then love the hell out of yourself. Nobody can do that for you, it begins with yourself. If you can love the little girl inside you who do desperately wants love externally to be worthy and validated, you will find a man who will love you completely with the ferocity of that which you love every part of your self. You're a bright beautiful spirit and you are absolutely worthy of a partner who sees that in you and will reflect that back to you. You have learned a valuable lesson through this experience - you know exactly what you DON'T want, and sometimes that's what it takes to bring you closer to that which you do. May you be blessed, dear one!
Thank you, Claire. You've summed this up beautifully! It's this process that is always at the heart of our journey, and yet it's only when we become open to it that we discover the truth of these words for ourselves. Beautiful!
Claire, you have just reminded me of the relief and thankfulness I felt when, after almost 4 full years of spinning in circles, he said that he could continue living like this for another 3 years! I really thank him for this openess. And thank myself to finally finding the strenghth to be honest to us both.
And have to add agin, there were so many signs earlier, that I simply refused to see! He was far from abusive, but I felt abused by the situation of going nowhere. I was doing this to myself, playing with my own heart. I put my hope to someone who was not able or not willing to move on together with me.
I am now taking the hope and freedom back within. It feels good, surely better than the feeling I had looking at nowhere. Continuing the vicious circle will not bring you closer to the truth, it will just increased the hurting.
Breathe in, make the move away from Hurting, get closer to HOPING. You will be fine, you'll se!
Oh wow! I see so much of myself in your story. I allowed a husband to lie to me, create havoc in my house, hurt my children, and give me crumbs of love for twenty five years. And I still want to create a fantasy love story in my head even now as I move into trying to think about dating after divorce! Yes....let's remember how beautiful and worthy we really are! Let's stand up and make ourselves remember that we are worth fighting for and deserve a aman who will come for our hearts! Keep fighting Jane and get women to help you. Allow yourself to open up and lean on trustworthy friends who can help you stand firm and learn how to love yourself! (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)
And there still is a real love story to be created, Leslie. Not based in fantasy, but in reality - the only place that real love is ever found! Thank you for sharing your words for Hurting - and us all. No more crumbs!
Hello, hurting, well what a story, and so sad, you and letting him use you,so badly, and you seem to believe it will all work out for the best, the only person hurting hear is you ,let go pick your self up ,and show your children how true love is , you are his puppet, and he pulls all the strings, so cut the strings and of course you will fall for a while, but when you start to get up, and start again, with the lesson of a user and not let this happen again, see yourself as a loving, person, and mother , the right sort of person will see ,your strengths as a single mum, and a person that loves there self,and your children will grow to see what true love is like , caring, respecting, loving,you have this as a mother so make sure you carry this in your relationships, all my love and a BIG HUG TO YOU , YOU HAVE THE STRENGH, SO USE IT XX
Exactly, Georgina. Thank you. You've added so much to the conversation!
Why do so many men do this to women? Control, power, ego, broken,...?
Dear Hurting,....I have been in a similar relationship and I understand that feeling of 'panic' at the thought of losing him and all the anxiety the dynamics bring. What I eventually did was find that certain sentence of outrage in my heart and kept repeating it to myself, especially when he called or I felt myself 'weakening' e.g. "he is USING me." Once that became real to me other sentences started to pop up and become real like "everything is on HIS terms, what about MINE?"....Eventually a whole new dialogue with myself with ME and MY needs at the centre became the reality to me. I also came to see that he was the one in complete control of my emotions and held the reins of the relationship and I simply within myself decided he did not have my permission to control my feelings, thoughts and life anymore and I took back control. They are MY things not HIS. This all made me realise the 'potential' I had been holding onto, the hope, was just some fantasy I had created because I didn't want to be alone or feel a failure. But it is not YOUR failure you are dealing with - it's HIS....his inability to be a mature man in a healthy relationship. He is not your loss....you are his. Believe that with all your heart and repeat it to yourself over and over!
The other thing I would say is your children learn about relationships from you. Teach them well. Much love to you.
Beautifully said, Gill. Thank you so much for sharing what's worked for you.
A lot of this sounds familiar to me and unfortunately I allowed myself to keep going back. My mans was always saying he was GOING to do this and that but it was all words and no actions, just excuses and you end up living in false hopes, it's just an illusion of who you think he is!
Exactly, Anna. You're seeing this so clearly!
Dear hurting, I am going through almost exactly the same thing, it was hard to read your story because it felt like it was my life....
I'm sorry, Connie. It's never easy to hear the things that hit so close to home. But there's always a reason we find ourselves here.
Melody Beattie has written a series of books on codependency. Her work will help set you free. And there are lots of codependency groups around, often for free; there are even Meetups through Meetup.com
Love Melody Beattie's work, Ramani. Thanks for adding this!
And I have should have added Hurting - after reading Wise Chica's post - if you do walk away, & you can upgrade your phone to block his phone number do so. It took me ages to do that as I felt doing so was "childish" and not the way you deal with breakups as a middle aged woman. But when you're dealing with an adult who has an immature ego, and an addiction to a toxic situation/arrangement, measures like that can help.
That, & blocking him on social media was the only way I could stop myself from engaging with him when the contact invariably started again. It was my own reminder not to go there again.
All the very best.
F
Hi Hurting
I have been out of a very similar situation for 6 months now and while it was very hard to leave and very tempting to keep going back - I decided once and for all that I was worth so much better as you are, and that my two daughters were going to see that. And I am now back to the happy healthy woman I was before he came into my life.
He was a habitual liar as well, had many female "friends" a number of whom I found out after were lovers as well, and was still trying to contact me because I had been his "best friend" and he cared about me - 1 week before he flew overseas to marry one of these women (the rich one :)) - as I discovered a few weeks later.
Jane is absolutely right - it is your decision - but I'm living proof that if you choose yourself first, that life will turn around and happiness will return again, from within. Friends, on-line resources, counselling if you need it (I did and it helped enormously), and most of all the unconditional love you have for your children AND they have for YOU - will help you find the strength you need if you choose to walk away.
Good luck
F
Thank you for sharing your story, Fiona. Your "living proof" says so much. Here's to you for becoming free!
DUMP HIM TODAY - he's a jerk and not worth your time or energy or life or love or anything. Pull up your big girl panties and GET THE LIFE YOU DESERVE. (sorry to be so blunt)
It all helps, Vee. Some things speak to us in ways that we couldn't otherwise hear.
Oh dear girl. He's not playing with you exactly. You're just allowing someone to disrespect you in every possible way. This is a reflection of how little you respect and honor yourself. You're not alone. All of us here have allowed someone to mistreat us as well, but I'm glad you found this blog to start untangling yourself.
What is clear to me besides that from your letter is that you're a woman who definitely has no idea of what it is you want. If you did, you would have said good bye to this person a long time ago. You wouldn't have started anything with him to begin with.
There's a lot of soul searching for you to do here and for you to be honest and realistic with yourself.
If you need help, get it, but leave this dynamic. Your children's well being should be in your top priorities as well as your own well being.
I really hope you get the help you need to heal and get out of this dark place.
Remember a couple of things: you are the driver, you are the only person responsible for your happiness and your life. You are not a victim, you choose. You're not subject to fate or anything. You create your own life.
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow them to do or not do.
Choose you every single time.
A healthy relationship is one where you have no doubts, you're happy, you're supported and you trust. It's a two way street. If not, it's not worth your time.
Hugs to you.
Thank you for adding your words here, Angel. No, not alone at all. "Untangling yourself" - yes, indeed. This so aptly captures what we begin to do when we find our way here!
That game you want to win so much, to be the one who he, the untouchable one, choses among so many... The fairy tale you desperately want to come true, but see it always slipping away.
Who are you playing this with - he is not there, you're in this all alone. He had his own story, from the start. It is strange how fast we are told the truth - and how directly, but we refuse to hear. We want to believe differently - so they adjust the lines a bit, to keep us holding on for years and years, getting sad, confused and crazy. He does not know what he wants - hmmm...no, he wants this. You need more. You are not happy, this is not enough.
Trust yourself - this is not your story .... it took me quite some time to break the "spell" and go away. It is still fresh and hard, but this gave me a chance to grow and hopefully create a much more interesting story.
You've so aptly described this, SB; it is a spell. One we place on ourselves with so much support from the greater culture and our programming that reinforces these beliefs in our psyche everywhere we look. You've summed this up beautifully. Here's to creating a beautiful new - so much more interesting! - story. The one you deserve!
I've been with a very vibrant man for over two years. He doesn't want to hurt his former lady friend, so he sleeps st her house, but that's it. There is no communication, not much conversation, and no sex. Ask this I believe because he is just that way. I think he just doesn't line drama. I want to be first in his legs, to wake up and go to bed with him. YouYour're situation reminds me of mine.
"But that's it." That's a lot, Denise. You say he doesn't want to hurt his former lady friend, but what about hurting you?
Omg, this hit way too close to home for me. I was that person at a few moments in my life and let me tell you, nothing anyone could ever say or do could get me to open my eyes. I was terribly blinded, filled with false hopes I put upon myself, that somehow, some way, some day, these guys I chose to be with, would miraculously wake up and realize what an amazing woman they have. They never did. It took a long time for me to see my worth, to love myself alittle bit more, and to gain the strength to walk away from something that wasn't good for me. I'm so much stronger now, because I know that I will always be okay. Hurting will always be okay. She just has to love herself and believe in herself, just a little bit more.
Wow, Mika; you said everything almost every one of us could have said. "I was terribly blinded, filled with false hopes I put upon myself, that somehow, some way, some day, these guys I chose to be with, would miraculously wake up and realize what an amazing woman they have."
And the most telling part of all - "They never did." Thank you for this!
Hey Hurting,
I STRONGLY recommend taking Jane's course Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU 🙂 It's 100% worth it!
Jane's right, this isn't a relationship, but what keeps you holding on is what truly matters and you'll find that out if you take that course. Learning who you are, why you are the way you are, and noticing the beauty of it is the key to all of this. Walk away from this man, this situation, and this hurt and start a brand new, wonderful life -- just my suggestion.
Thank you, Julie! I'm so thrilled my program has resonated so much with you! This is so true; when we uncover the "why" within ourselves, we eliminate the need to keep going back over and over again. Beautiful suggestion!
Hurting, I have been were you are....I can resonate with Jane's answer. I held on to crumbs for over 3 years...I knew I wanted the Cake but I was holding on to hope UNTIL one day I woke up and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH "I want the WHOLE CAKE" I had one last talk with him and when he said "I do not want a committed relationship" I made up in my mind that this was it for me!! I started LOVING me some me!!! All that love I was giving to this dead beat of a man, I start giving it to me....it did not happen overnight...but a year later I have my days but I am FREE!!!! Hurting it is a process, just start walking, putting one foot in front of the other...DON'T LOOK BACKWARDS...just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I promise you one day you will look back on this and say to yourself WTH was I doing....but learn from this lesson. I concur with Jane, your child should be motivation enough to walk...if it is hurting her/him then no MAN is worth that!!! Men are like buses one is coming all the time....my child they are yours for a lifetime!!! Hurting I know you will make the right decision soon!!! The first step is telling and seeking help which you are!!! Life is some much better when it is about YOU and not someone else. LOVE yourself, you would not treat yourself like he has been treating you. Take your power back and LIVE!!!!
Thank you for sharing, Real Davis. It is a process, and never the quick fix we want it to be. Because the journey - and how it changes us in the most beautiful ways - is worth so much more than what we can see from where we are when we're still stuck in the going through.
You poured out your heart to Jane so that's a good step in the right direction. She will encourage you with love. What she is saying is all true; and I'm sure you know it too. My heart goes out to you and your children. I don't know you but I know you all deserve so much more than what you're getting.
I stand in agreement with Alia that God will give you the strength to walk away from this man. A man can say he loves you, but the proof comes from his actions. Now that your eyes and ears are open to see and hear the truth, you have some decisions to make. I like the quote, "There are no endings, just new beginnings" so give yourself the opportunity to have a brand new beginning and rewrite the story of your life.
Life is all about choices, make the choice to give more love to yourself and your children and go from there. Don't look back, just ahead to a brighter future.
Blessings,
Anne-Marie
Beautifully said, Anne-Marie. Thank you.
Thank you ... Another woman hurting but going to get through this
And you will, Angie!
Hurting
Saw this geat quote somewhere this week apologies dont remember source
"Sometimes we walk away not because want someone to see our value. But because we Finally recognize ou own"
Reaching out to Jane is the first part of your beginning to change the situation.
The second step is walk away.
Would you go into a store and pay $500.00 for something worth $1.00?
No. Because it would be wasting your hard earned money which is of value to you and investing it in something NOT giving you value for the money you are investing in this purchase.
You would feel cheated robbed.
As in this" to his benefit only situation" you are spending something of value your time your energy your love your( gas money to drive there) to get nothing but lies.
He makes $1 effort you make $500 effort.
Stop wasting your precious self with this liar. I am praying for. God to give you strength to walk away. Begin by changing your phone number otherwise you will keep looking for atext or waiting to see if he called. Dont seek. Additional closure from him he already gave it to you. If someone does not choose you they have effectively already let you go. Let your closure be taking back a life with a purpose not one pandering to his selfish needs.
.Go no contact withdraw from him he is a poisonous drug he is not a hero. He is like heroin
He is ruining your joy of life.
Please please please go. Get your hair done. It works wonders for self confidence. Yes you have the money because you are not wasting gas to go see him. Let the hair change represent a change in your thinking
You can do this. Know your value. Warm hugs
Alia
So true, Alia. Thank you for these words. It's ironic that the simplest acts of self-care can provide that fresh start we've been looking for. So much more than the hair change or any other act; it's the message it sends about who's worth our time and energy - and money, yes! Beautifully said!
hi hurting my advice to u is that this man wont marry u the best u have to do is to concentrate on your children cos i believe u aa just dancing to the music this man is playing n it will continue like this so just back out although is difficult thnx
Thank you, Annie. It all helps!
You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're strong and you deserve love. (repeat)
These situations are always difficult because of the potential that we've fallen in love with. For about a year, I dealt with this kind of man. He gave me all kinds of false hope. Some days he would be all about me, and others he did not even want to be bothered with me. Sometimes he'd look at me lovingly, and then most of the time he was nose down in his phone texting some other woman. Sometimes he would go MIA for days, weeks at a time, and then when I grew tired of his games and started ignoring him, I started to get the nasty text messages and the pop up visits to my house or the random private messages on my Facebook page.
These kind of men are like wild, vicious animals when it comes to love. They prey on the weak, or who they think is weak. They catch us at our most vulnerable and pounce on us. Our glaring insecurities are like blood in the water. It works to their advantage when they are looking for prey. I'm sure you're not the only one he is doing this to or has done this to. This is how he lives his life. It really has nothing to do with you. This is how he has chosen to treat women in general, not just you. He is disrespectful and not trustworthy. Please stop attaching your worth and happiness to someone who has neither; he is worthless and miserable. A happy person does not have time for these games.
We've assigned him the role of chooser-in-chief. It's not his choice. It never was. It has ALWAYS been your choice. Once a man chooses to put you on the sidelines, once he chooses to play games with you, once he chooses to lie to you over and over again, then he is unknowingly giving you a chance to choose, and here you have two great choices: You can choose YOU and/or SOMEONE BETTER.
Zoom out of this situation and think of a woman who you really admire, someone who you see as beautiful and strong. Would she put up with this? Now assign those same adjectives to you. Should you be putting up with this? No. And here's the beautiful thing. You're not married to him so you can walk away any time you like. It's going to be hurtful in the beginning and some days you're not going to know what to do with all the hurt.
During the time when I was going through it, I read alot of Jane's blogs, I journaled soooooo soooo much, I talked it out with my friends, I even let loose on him and said everything I was feeling and how I did not like his actions, I started dating other men, and most importantly, I started to work on me and my goals and my desires and my dreams. The more I worked on me and the better I became, the clearer things were. The more I started to see how wrong this guy was for me, how horrible I was being treated and how I have grown from this situation. Now I give guys like this none of my time. I don't entertain any level of this immature treatment. Only an empty, cold hearted, broken and insecure man has time for these kinds of mind games. Here's the newsflash darling, it's all he has to offer you. He makes it look like he his holding out, but that's a little magic trick he's doing to you and others. The only way he can keep you around is for you to keep buying into this potential. It's fake darling. He has NOTHING.
Think about that. If he had real substance or something really he could offer you, he wouldn't have time to waste with someone he did not take seriously. He's pathetic, he is a sad little bruised boy who needs to grow up.
The man I thought I loved dragged me down so badly I went into a depression, a deep one. Lost 40 pounds from stress, I abandoned my dreams, I had no energy, my life had become all about me. Then I started to learn how to function in the hurt. The hurt in a way, was a mask. It allowed me to avoid dealing with the things that I found uncomfortable in my own life. It wasn't until I was willing to walk away, when I felt "naked" with no one to blame for my hurt but me. But I also became incredibly strong. Because I was no longer waiting for some man to choose me, I am the one choosing them. (Thanks Jane, that lesson was invaluable.)
Oh and the idiot keeps calling me, but he has been deleted off my phone, off of social media, and out of my life for good. I know his number by heart, but I still ignore him when he tries. I keep remembering how badly he's hurt me and how unapologetic he was about it. I'm going to allow him to live his life how he sees fit. I just want NO parts of it anymore.
Good luck darling. Sorry about the book, but I so get where you are right now.
If I could reach out and kiss you Wise Chica, I would. Thank you for the book. Well written and so much appreciated. I feel like I've just had a therapy session.
BRAVO!!!!
oh so true, Wise Chica; the potential we live for is the hardest part to let go of. Not the person in front of us, but the potential we only catch rare glimpses of that leave us holding out for more. So glad you're seeing this so clearly in your own life. When you've been there, you understand like few else can! (You're so welcome!) 🙂
I'm struggling in my relationship and reading this post gives me strength. My boyfriend is not bad to me as such, but he chooses mostly when he can see me, when he wants to be loving, and I just go along with it. He's sometimes amazing and other times he's too tired or busy to be bothered about me. I'm tired of playing the guessing game as to what mood he's going to be in each day. He has too many female friends and is always hiding his phone which he claims is all in my head. I'm tired and want to be strong. Thank you everyone on here, it really helps knowing other people understand and can relate. Kay x
All the advice to leave and "choose you" is so obvious and logical. All of us seem to "know" this, but when it comes to doing it, is impossible.
What helped me was to "take a break" from sex and physical contact. I told myself it wasn't forever. Just a break. I still talked to my guy, but only when he contacted me first, and I kept it polite and brief. I was always "really busy" or "not feeling well" or some other excuse so I didn't have to see him.
At first it was sooo hard, like withdrawing from a drug. I cried and felt like giving up and running back to him, but as the weeks went on, I noticed some days not only didn't I cry, but I didn't really think much about him at all. I started doing the things I loved again and actually living my life.
After a while, I could finally see him more clearly. Not the fantasy, knight in shining armor, sweep me off my feet guy I wanted him to be, but the real man, with all his imperfections and his qualities too. I realized I really do like a lot of things about him, but I also dislike a lot of things. It made me see he is not someone I would want to be in a serious, long term, relationship with. I do like him and enjoy talking to him, so I choose to do that, and just appreciate him for who he is and what he adds to my life (a few laughs, asks me how my day is or wishes me good night and sweet dreams, compliments me etc.)
I don't expect anything else from him, and my whole attitude has changed, realizing I am in control of whether I want him in my life or not. And if he walks away, I will miss him, but not in the weird, sick way I would have before.
Breaking that sexual bond and being able to see things clearly was good, because it also helped me to see how unfair I had been to him. I was able to put myself in his shoes and realized how much I was to blame for this whole situation.
I had sex too early, bonded to him, wanted him to change to fit my idea of the perfect guy, and freaked out and became miserable when he couldn't. I realized if someone did that to me, wanted me to change into some fantasy woman, I would think he had serious problems and stay far away!
So my suggestion is take a break. Get all the oxytocin and other hormones and neurotransmitters that are bonding you to your man out of your system. Give yourself two to three months. It's like going on a diet or anything else we want to do. Breaking a project into small steps or chunks is always easier.
Most of these men are very insecure and trust me, most of them aren't going to disappear. They care in their own limited capacity to care (unless they actually have a personality disorder, but that is a different problem) Most probably aren't bad people, who are intentionally trying to make your life miserable. They are just going by their own relatioship blueprint from their own childhoods. They are men who are as messed up as we are. Thinking this way stops you from feeling like a victim. As long as you realize YOU CAN'T FIX THEM, you will be able to accept them and choose whether to keep them in your life or not.
I do not regret this relationship at all. It has helped me to learn things about myself I never would have learned. I have also learned to love myself and feel so much better about my life!
Deb...you are a wise woman. I am in the middle of doing the same thing. I never thought I would survive distancing myself from him. But each week has gotten easier and given me a whole new perspective on him and our relationship. I am now able to speak to him as a friend and have no more expectations. I totally understand what you are saying! It is great advice for Heartbroken. One day at a time and it really does get better.
Deb and Rebecca,
Thank you for sharing your perspectives. I resonate with everything that you wrote, as this seems to be my experience, as well. I've intuitively decided on a similar course of action but only when I saw Deb's comment has it clicked for me that this can be a real, concrete, and very achievable path to move away from heartbreak and confusion. It's not easy but I have more hope now that it is doable.
Heartbroken, I hope you find your own path to freedom and happiness. Like everyone else has said, we have not just the right but a duty to put ourselves first and be happy. I mean this in the gentlest way possible.
And thank you, Jane, for giving us a forum to support each other.
Absolutely doable, Maria! But not without support, and that's exactly why this website is here. We're never meant to walk this journey alone without the ones who understand when no one else can.
One more tip to help if you are trying to get over someone, but either have to talk to them (like if you have kids ) or aren't wanting to go no contact.
I had given my guy his own text notification tone and icon and ring tone which I used to respond to like one of Pavlov's dogs, and get all excited whenever he texted or called. I changed them back to default ones so I wouldn't have the same reaction when he did contact me.
It really did help!
Thanks for sharing this, Deb! Glad you found something that worked for you!
You've added so much here, Deb. Thank you. You've learned this well.
I know this is an old post, but am hoping Deb responds...
Deb, you said:
“I was able to put myself in his shoes and realized how much I was to blame for this whole situation.
I had sex too early, bonded to him, wanted him to change to fit my idea of the perfect guy, and freaked out and became miserable when he couldn't. I realized if someone did that to me, wanted me to change into some fantasy woman, I would think he had serious problems and stay far away!”
I’m curious to know if you think things would have turned out differently if you DIDN’T do those things and acted differently. I blame myself for those things I did in my situation and wonder if things maybe would have worked out with this guy if I had played a different role (not been so eager to have sex and not bond to him so quickly).
Just wondering what your thoughts, or anyone else’s are about this!
This sounds like a trauma-bond which can make it difficult to release a person and situation which is not not healthy for you. If it rings true, addressing the core trauma may help you find relief, some techniques: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Response), TRE (Trauma Release with Yoga), TIPI (French releasing method), or Rapid Resolution Therapy.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Jackie!
Hi Hurting
I really feel your pain, as I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and although he says were on the same page his actions tell me he's not. He's been away twice this year without me. He's promised to take me away and this has never happened. Like you I wait for his calls and panic and become anxious if I don't hear from him. He also has lots of female friends, he refuses to add me as a friend on Facebook. He gives me loving words and empty promises. Sometimes he's crazy in love with me other times he distant and I don't know him. Again like you I know my kids are suffering as a knock on effect because I can't let go and I'm always feeling sad and hurt. I really hope we will find the strength to move on from a man that we can't trust and is not making us happy. All the best to you.
Thanks for sharing, Kay, and for your words for Hurting. It sounds like you more than understand just how hard it can be to see what you need to do for you. There's so much more for you too, Kay. I know it's so hard to see it when you're in it, but don't let the fear of life without him keep you from missing out on the life that's just waiting for you on the other side!