Our beautiful friend, Eve, is dating a guy that has told her he doesn't want a commitment, and she's wondering what to do next.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
First and for all, thank you for all the good advice and real life stories. I have learned a lot from them.
My story is similar to some I already read, although I feel there is a nuance which makes me still doubt my situation.
The end of March, I met a guy through mutual interests (we were both playing Music at the same event) and after adding me on facebook, we quickly started chatting and he asked me on a date in the same week.
The date was incredible; he was thoughtful, funny, humble, intelligent and very handsome. He kissed me during the date and after a little while, asked if he could come back home with me. I wasn't planning on doing that, but for some reason, I went along with it.
He took the train back the next morning and the online talking started again. Twice he invited me over for home made dinner and both times he couldn't get his hands off me. The attraction was mutual. Not only physically but mentally as well. We were, and still are, quite compatible in a lot of ways.
And then.
The morning after our 3rd sleepover, he messaged me saying he didn't want a serious relationship because he just ended a 8-year long relationship and doesn't want 'that concept' for the time being.
He told me he just wanted to do fun things with someone he's really attracted to (which also includes our conversations)
I totally understand that because he had been in that relationship since he was 16, which is a very long time, (and I know I shouldn't have slept with him that quickly), but I am ready for a relationship. I told him we could see each other until I went on vacation and afterward we would see. Those dates were great and he didn't mind showing affection in front of both mine and his friends on a party. After that 3 week vacation, he still had the same opinion, but he told me so just after he kissed me.
Last time I went with the intention of making it the last date but I couldn't end it. We went to a park and he had brought wine and a blanket and we talked until the sun went down; it was so nice.
But even though he says I mean more to him than 'something for the moment', I do feel as if I am exactly that, and that is not what I'm looking for. Everytime we meet, I feel fantastic at the moment but strange and slightly lonely the days after.
I think it is the best (most difficult though) solution if I just say that I want a relationship or nothing, one of the two. No "friendship" (we were never just friends), and no contact (or at least for the time being).
He can come to me if he's serious.
The only hesitation is that he may not change his mind. I know he likes me and that he thinks I'm great, but that's not enough. And I may prefer talking than nothing, but that leaves me waiting for messages more than I would want to.
Do you think it is the best solution? And is there a chance he would want to become serious after a while and "come back"?
I noticed that he started to use nicknames for me and texting me slightly more, but I don't think it would become a full blown relationship if I already agreed on so-so.
Thanks so much for your help
Your European friend,
Eve
My Response:
Dear Eve,
Hello to you, my European friend! I always love to hear from my readers and to learn where in the world you are.
It’s never easy to shift from the beginnings of a relationship that felt so incredible in the beginning, to the reality when someone tells you they’re not ready for a serious relationship - and you are.
This is why we are the ones who need to slow things down, to wait to give our hearts and our bodies away to someone who we don’t yet know well enough to know where they stand. Someone who’s truly looking for the same thing as you will respect you more for slowing things down and won’t pressure you for more than you’re comfortable with.
They won’t need to, because they’re looking at being around for the long term, too, getting to know you for more than just something casual.
I know it’s so easy to get caught up in the potential of what seems to be so mutual, and yet, once we’ve gone there, our ability to think clearly becomes compromised. We get caught up in the moment, in the feelings, in where it feels like it’s going. We don’t think as clearly as we need to to protect our giving, loving, caring, understanding hearts.
We set ourselves up for this kind of heartbreak when we agree to get together in a place where there’s wine and a blanket and a beautiful sunset in a park. It sounds so romantic – but it’s the worst possible setup when it’s with someone who’s not looking for the same thing we are. So romantic, but so empty when we long for so much more.
You have to do what you can live with here, Eve.
You’ve got a guy who is being honest and clear with you about what he’s looking for, and what he’s not. Yes, his actions may seem to carry some mixed signals with them, but his clarity in what he’s saying to you needs to override any of those mixed messages.
He doesn’t want what you’re looking for. There’s nothing wrong with what either of you want, but when you put two conflicting desires together, it can’t work, no matter how much you want to believe it can.
You’ve told him your terms. You’ve let him know what you can live with and what you can’t. You’ve stated what you can’t do to yourself anymore. Any solution is only the best solution if it is actually working for you. So my question to you would be, is this what you can live with? Is this working for you?
While it may seem that talking is better than nothing, you are so right to notice that this is only leaves you waiting for him and his messages instead of feeling your own power within an equal relationship that gives as much back to you as you give out to him.
Is there a chance he would want to become serious after a while and "come back"? Yes, there’s always that chance, Eve. But don’t live for that.
Don’t wait around for that to happen.
There’s a whole life out there waiting for you to embrace it, an incredible and amazing love that will be everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. But will you see it if you’re secretly fooling yourself pining for someone else? That’s the bigger question to ask yourself. And it’s one that only you can answer.
Love,
Jane
I smiled when I get this comment. I have a close friend who is in her 70's who knows my situation with a male friend and her advice to me was very similar to yours. I have taken this advice to heart and I'm seeing that I'm much happier. Giving him space does not necessarily mean walking away; it simply means I'm giving him room to grow and learn more about himself; and in the process I'm discovering that I can be happy whether he is in my life or not. Life as a single person today is good!
So glad to confirm what you've already been hearing, Anne-Marie. What you're discovering here is priceless! 🙂
I'm going through a similar situation except we were neighbors and then started hanging out periodically as friends. I moved and he came to visit me and would drive 30 mins each way just to hang out. After knowing each other for more than 7 years he was my date to a party and since the weather was bad he stayed over - my intent was to have him sleep in the guest room. We said our good nights but then he asked to join me. My response was that it could potentially impact our friendship and that I didn't want a FWB relationship. He joined me in bed. I went out of town and when I returned we got together for dinner and he told me he didn't want a relationship and I said that I wanted a relationship. We were at a stalemate but I eventually caved and we became lovers. We went out to dinners, movies, concerts, bubble baths, breakfast in bed and even travelled out of the country for a wknd trip. Like you I was on a high which lasted for 10 months but then when we parted I would feel empty. I broke it off with him and we didn't see each other or speak live for almost 8 months except the occasional birthday text. He called me on Father's Day and we spoke for an hour and he wanted to meet for lunch. I was hesitant but met him for coffee. We had a great time catching up it felt like we had seen each other the day before. I know that I'm in love with him. I have thought about him every day for 8 months. Seeing him opened up old wounds and even though I was happy to see him I'm now in emotional hell. He still feels the same way and doesn't want a relationship. I'm so crushed but any questions I had about whether or not we have a future has been answered. We don't and as I say this I would be lying if I didn't say there is a glimmer of hope. But I have to be honest with myself and believe what he told me. I can't date potential and I deserve so much more. Long post but this is cathartic and part of my healing process. Your story parallels mine but you need to get to a place where you have clarity and can acknowledge your truth. The process is painful but as my friend told me "don't waste your pain" every experience, good or bad is a teachable moment. Good luck and make the best choices for you because while there is no guarantee this guy will be around you are stuck with you...
As a single gal in my mid 60's I've seen so many of these scenarios before step 1forget about him enjoy yourself go out and mix with lots of singles save a small space for him and without being too obvious he will get the picture that you aren't waiting for his calls.
His male hormones will take over and you will appear even more attractive to him and given a little time you will find yourself having the relationship you want. It's very easy to passup a perfectly good guy through impatience. On his plus side he maintained an 8 year relationship so his nature is to be part of a couple. Enjoy him and do your own thing.
Thank you for adding your perspective here, Judith. It all helps!
Hi, Eve.
I have been in your situation more times than I can count so I can understand how you're feeling. This guy is definitely leading you on, and that's not fair to you. When you're with a guy, he shouldn't play mind games with you (i.e. I like you but I don't want to be with you) and you shouldn't feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. The best advice I can give you is to move on from this guy. If he tries to call or text you to say that "he changed his mind" or something along those lines don't buy it because it's a trap. What usually ends up happening is the guy will behave for a little while but then go back to his old habits. I know that moving on isn't an easy thing to do but you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and frustration. I wish you the best of luck!
I would not rehash the discussion again... Even if you do it in your own mind to try make sense of things. You have already clearly spoken on this and quite honestly just making yourself less available for your own well being is what I believe would wind up having the best result for you... whether he steps forward or not. I love the expression " let go of the oars" very much so. Sometimes just going to a neutral position winds up being a wonderful place to be...
I couldn't agree more, Christina. 🙂
I'm in this situation also right now. We see each other a couple times a week. He takes me places that I want to go to. I've met many of his friends and now am friends with them he's also met my friends. He told me within a month of dating that his divorce had screwed him up big time and it's hard for him to trust anyone. I also have been working on trust issues for many years due to a disaster relationship that happened many years ago. I know in my head that I deserve more, my heart tells me to hold on. It's been four months now. I was reluctant to start a "relationship" with him because he was so much different than what I consider my type. But he was charming and affectionate and did nice things that I am not to. I have feelings for him but I know I am not in life with him. Everytime I see him, I think, this is the last time, I can't do this anymore. But then we have a great time and I don't want to ruin it. It is so hard for me to let go, he is a good guy that got burned by divorce and I believe everyone deserves a chance. I try to take it one day at a time but I am a constant worrier. He likes me and wants to continue seeing me and I don't know if it's better to keep going or to quit.
Do what you can live with, Monica. That's what matters more than anything else. Trust your gut instinct. He's going to do what works for him, you do what works for you!
Jane,
I am in a similar situation, but the difference is with my circumstance, he wants marriage, but also wants to take our relationship one day at a time...So in others words slow down girly.
I believe as women we often are ready to leap into the pretty picture, without knowing all the colors needed to finish the painting we see in our heads. All we know is our hearts are beating for this man and we want that emotion to last....So then we assume this must be the one. But in reality most of what we are experiencing, we have created in our heads and our hearts are responding. And even if what we have created is not a perfect fit for the man we so desire....We still try squeeze him into the slot of our painting, we are just adamant about making him fit.
So in closing I say stop trying make it fit, pray for peace and move on. If he is for you he will claim you for his own.
Lisa
Beautifully said, Lisa. I love your analogy of the painting.
It's not difficult. She needs to think of herself and what she truly wants. A man that says he doesn't want a relationship really means it and rarely if ever changes his mind. She would be gambling with her heart if she stays in the hopes of him changing his mind.
"A man that says he doesn't want a relationship really means it and rarely if ever changes his mind" - the part we so often gloss over, Miranda. Thank you for the reminder.
I am really not sure. If she really truly likes him maybe she should just keep seeing him for a certain amount of time to see if he changes. It is a difficult decision
Thank you, Bev.
Hi Jane,
I also in similar situation too. I am with a man on and off for almost 3 years now. I just knew he was not looking serious after we dated several months. I wished he could tell me at the beginning because it really hurts me. Anyway he knew what I want and in this year Feb he said he wanted to get serious but need to know me more. I thought he has trust issue to women. However he disappeared after Feb. Of course I was super sad by his action again again and again.
Just few days ago, I dont know why I sent him a text said I still miss him and I got his reply three days after. We met, dinner, talk and sex like nothing happened, at this point I really dont know does he mean what he said about serious. I am afraid to bring up the issue to make him run away. I am so confused and unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I am just his sex tool but we did date and he talked so much about himself to me. I just dont know what he thinks!
Should I just walk away and keep dating other guys? I did in these few months but I still miss him even though I know he is a jerk. I just feel I am so pathetic and I want to be happy.
Please help!
Thank you Jane and all the commentators for advising me and wishing me well. It really means a lot to me 🙂
I haven't seen him yet, as he is on vacation now and I Will be gone as well next 2 weeks, but I am adamant to make the next time we meet the last ( I prefer doing It face to face than by internet). If he ever changes his mind, he can let me know and if not, so be it.
It's stil a work in progress, but i'm trying to love myself enough without confirmation of others and really believing I don't have to prove my worth. I'll get there sooner or later. In the meantime I'm Just really happy that there are people like you guys that are so helpful 🙂
Greetings from Europe xx
And, Eve, if all you do is focus on loving yourself enough to give up the mindset that you somehow have to prove your worth, you will be doing so much more than you even realize! 🙂 I'm so glad you've seen and felt the love and support - and understanding! - here for you. "Sooner or later" is the only way we do this; one step, one new way of seeing at a time!
Hi Jane,
I read Eve's story and my advice to you Eve is to let go and move on. There is somebody out there for you Eve. From my own experience I too had the fairytale beginning, but then it changed, I was looking for love and committment and he wasn't, I was just something on the side. Don't settle for less. You deserve to be with someone who's on the same level as you. I too want a relationship and through Jane's website and course I've learnt that there's someone out there for me. Like most women we give our hearts to these men and don't listen to whats really happening. Eve, you need to let him go as it will get harder to break up and it will cause you more pain, which is something I wouldn't want you to go through. I too am getting over a bad relationship, and understand what your going through. But you need to focus on you and do what makes you happy, the right man is out there for you. He's there, just give it time and let him go. Listen to your gut instincts. Good luck Shelley
Beautifully said, Shelley. Thank you.
Her story touched on my own situation. Sadly for 2 years I've been in a long distance relationship. I was referred to as a friend when I would ask where we stood. He may have thought this a compliment but I saw it as a way of putting me in a catagory where he wasn't serious. I asked him after two years if I he thought of me as his girlfriend, he said he would if I lived in the same zip code but since we lived so far apart he said it was complicated. This made me very sad, my feelings were not based on zip codes or timing. I no longer believe theses excuses to be anything but excuses. I believe that if you come across a person you really care about zip codes and timeing are things that can be overcome and put aside. The only reason someone says they don't want to be in a relationships it's you is because the don't. As for the mixed messages wich confused me and our beautiful euro friend on this post, it is because we are giving souvh of ourself to this man and trying so hard to impress him and show him we could be the one. We are giving them emotional and physical support why wouldn't they want some amazing women around to have sex with and flatter their ego because we want them. Being desired makes everyone feel good and we all want that. The problem with her relationship as well as mine is the feeling that we aren't being desired or wanted. Sure there are romantic moments when we get a taste of what we want then we end up being pushed away or waiting for their next communication always wondering does he want me where's this going is he going to change his mind. I have ended up feeling like I was applying for the job of "girlfriend" and failing, never getting the job. The biggest obstacle oof all is when they speak of the past long term relationships and refer to those women as "girlfriend" leaving us with the knowledge he can commit he is willing to acknowledge publicly to the world he has or had a girlfriend, so then why can't we get that "label" ?leaving us feeling confused, wondering what are we doing wrong that we don't qualify as "the girlfriend" and what else can I do to convince him. Leaving us sad, wanting and mentally exhausted and plays havoc with our own feelings of self worth.
Turn it around. Why would you want to "apply for the role of girlfriend"? You don't ever need to do that. You are already enough and you get to choose how you'll play your role in life. You need to stop deferring to others for your own happiness. Take the steering wheel of your life and drive. You don't have to convince anyone of anything. You came into this world to make yourself happy with your hobbies, your dreams, the people who love you for you and for whom you don't have to put on an act.
Consider this: when you are trying to make someone love you, you're not being authentic and what's worse, you're not seeing the other person clearly, that means you're in love with an idea of the person, a fantasy in your head, not them.
You don't want someone who doesn't want you. The person you need to devote your energy and love to is yourself before someone else can show up and show they are worthy of you. Overfunctioning and overgiving are a reflection of a core belief: I need to be different from what I am and give to be loved; I'm not enough as I am; love is outside myself and I need validation.
We have to stop hurting ourselves with these stories and these attitudes. That's when we'll stop playing the victim and become the stars in our own life.
I hope you get to see your own intrinsic value and your innate beauty. You already have it all. You just need to see it!
Take the opportunity to learn your lessons from your experiences and turn them into invaluable wisdom. You have all the power you want. You are love.
As for the guy, it doesn't matter why he doesn't want you. He's not right for you for that very same reason. He just has other preferences and that's ok. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that they are bad. It's not personal at all. It's like when your favorite flavor is chocolate. It doesn't mean you don't like say, vanilla. Nothing wrong with vanilla, you just prefer chocolate. That's all.
Beautifully said, Angel. Thank you for jumping in! 🙂
Thanks Angel you have said everything is told myself in the past - I needed this reminder as I walk down this miserable path that I have chosen for myself.
You can trust yourself here, Jana - everything absolutely can be overcome or put aside by the ones who want to overcome or put aside! But you can't be the only one! Take back your own power and don't give away any part of your beautiful you to someone who isn't on your same page. You're not doing anything wrong, only trying to convince the ones who there is no convincing. Not because of you, but because of them! You're doing the choosing here. You don't have to play - you're only playing as long as you choose to. Don't forget that part.
Eve,
Run as fast as you can and as far away as you can from this man. He told you up front he did not want a serious relationship, when a guy tells you that all he is looking for is a playmate, if you get what I mean. It will never be anymore than what it is right now. I'll bet he is a player and has other women besides you.
Something to think about ...Thank you, Maryjo!
I have been in the same situation for 2 years now.... And still he doesn't know how he feels. He's ended it with me 4 times when he says he doesn't think his feelings are enough, he's had two dates with the same girl because he felt that's what he needed to do to sort his head out about how he felt about me. He didn't enjoy it apparantley?? And I still let him come back because he's my best friend. While your strong enough let it go... Good Luck
If you could see yourself for all that you are and all that you have to offer someone truly of you, ElleJay, you would see so clearly that no one needs to date some other girl "just to sort his head out" about how he feels about you. You're the prize, Beautiful!!
@Eva, my heart goes out to you. I'm also in a similar situation. I've been hanging on for 2years and tried leaving many times because things hvnt changed. Right now, my words about not settling isn't credible because I always take him back. So now he's confident that I won't ever leave. I am not happy and at peace. I need to leave. I've been keeping myself bz by going to the gym & traveling etc. I am praying to meet someone, that I'm attracted to, who wants to be with me. I'm 43 so it's sometimes hard to stay positive, but I must no matter what.
Try looking at who YOU want to be with, Zan, instead of who wants to be with you. Make that your mindset, and think of dating as a fun new adventure to widen your social circle, and you won't have to struggle so hard to "stay positive", because we all know when you're not feeling it, that can be oh so hard to do!
Jane, thank you so much... Truly
🙂
Hi
What I've always found is that most men will tell you upfront whether they are ready or not for a relationanship. If they say they are not ready then take them on their word.
Lately since dating again this is exactly what I'm finding. I've had men say I'm ready now for a relationship. Or say I'm not ready it's pretty simple in the males world with this.
Even if the man says he is ready then there's still a period of time to get to know them before getting too intimate .As for me I want to know their values and if they are sincere. Also that there aren't a to many issues such as are they addiction free, can they hold a job and much more.
In other words is he worthy of your love.
Once I was like Eve and got caught up in the chemistry didn't really know the guy. Chemistry alone isn't enough to base a relationship on .
All I can say I like a lot of my girl friends have wasted years on non committal guys or guys that were emotionally unavailable . What a mistake that was.
Men will take what is given without any conscious about it . Just coming out of a relationship for a guy is usually prime time to play the field without attachment.
When a man decides to settle again you will know and won't have to wait around because he will just be there for you.
oh so true, Gabriella. Thank you so much for offering your perspective here, for sharing just how clear this can be. So telling - and so true - if we can only value ourselves enough to believe we deserve the real thing and nothing less!
Love yourself first. Listen to your intuition. Meditate on it with an open heart and mind. Be willing to walk away. Get tired of that empty worthless feeling. Ask for what you want. Find the lesson in the relationship. Reach out to others in similar situations. Take your own advice. Love yourself first. Put your heart back in your body. Keep moving forward in a positive direction. Be honest with yourself. Stay hydrated. Laugh as much as possible. Some people are not ready to risk it in love. Keep yourself strong and well emotionally and physically. Find ways to express and process your feelings to make them manageable. Get energy work done. Try not to obsess. Send surprise cards to the people in your life who love you back. This is what works for me even though in my heart I'm scared to let him go. Bottom line -I'm not cut out for friends with benifits.. Sounds like you're not either!
I relate to Eva's story & am reading these comments hoping for strength myself. I keep very bz, but I still continue to think about and wait for a man who doesn't include me in his life. I know I hv to leave and have broken up with him many times, the longest two month, but go back. He doesn't stop calling or texting so I give in (I hv no other man in my life so continue to gv this one my attention). I hv to leave. Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Then find some other things to give your attention to, Zan. Find you! Find all that you are, all the potential you have, all the hobbies, interests, passions, causes that get you excited about your own life, about all that you are and all that you have to offer. Find that little girl inside you with her big dreams and plans and goals and start taking steps towards making those dreams come true. Not because of a mere man, not because of anything he can or can't offer you, but because of everything you can give to yourself just by being beautiful you!
Beautiful, Mel. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you!
Thank you both so much... I will read these comments every day until they stick.
I, too, can relate to what Eve is sharing and my heart goes out to her. An older male friend shared a piece of wisdom, that I have never forgotten, "Believe what a man tells you."
Eve is no doubt an intelligent woman and in her head believes what the man is telling her, yet her heart battles with that truth because she see the potential in this relationship and wants more.
It appears that the relationship as is, is working for him, he sees no need to change anything, because his needs are getting met.
Maybe it's time for Eve to rock the boat. Take him out of his comfort zone. Maybe it's time for her to step back and not be so available; let him wonder what she's up to. Give him an opportunity to miss her.
What I suggested above; is what I need to do in my own life. As I wrote this, I realized that I cannot give another woman advice that I'm not willing to follow myself.
I believe in love and what it means for me. I pray that Eve will come to the place where she know what love is for her and she won't settle for anything less.
Beautifully said, Anne-Marie. Thank you for these words for Eve. The truth is it is always so much easier to see what someone else needs to do than what we ourselves need to do. You're not alone. And I wish the same for you.
This can't be more true. I've given the no contact advice many times. I'm a "strong woman" apparently then when it comes to me, I battle to not be a hypocrite. It's always easier said than done. But what I love about this is having an outsider perspective l, that doing what is best for me is the way to go and simply living without doubt. Anyway thanks again eve and thanks Jane. This site has helped a lot in me not driving my family crazy talking about the same guy continuously lol. Onwards and upwards.
I hear you, L. So glad this is helping you - and your family ;). This is exactly why I'm here; they can't understand unless they've gone through it themselves!
No one has a crystal ball. Funny, that's exactly what he said to me. I invested 5 years in a so-called relationship with a man who would not and could not commit. The bottom line is he will come around as long as you let him and will take what you are willing to give him. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you will make him change his mind. All you will be doing is breaking your own heart, a feeling he will not feel. Get out while you can and take Jane's advice. Give your love to the one who deserves it. He's out there, but he will never step forward as long as your heart string is attached to the tin man. Best of luck to you.
Thank you, Brenda. This is oh so true!
Oooo yes Brenda!!!
Very well said my friend. Best response!
I've been in the exact same situation. I was drawn in by someone and we had an amazing chemistry together, but the next day I would get a text from him saying things needed to slow down, he wasn't ready for anything serious. This happened several times and I was foolish enough to be drawn in each time. Each time I opened my heart a little bit more to him in hopes that he would change his mind. He didn't. So finally I realized it wasn't worth being hurt anymore. I was worth more. I told him to take all the time he needed. However, the last thing I intended to do was sit home and wait for him to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to be with me. Why should I let him have all the power. And why should I possibly risk an opportunity of finding my true love? I've been dating like crazy since and having the time of my life. If he decided to come back, maybe I'll give it a shot, but now he needs to chase me, and maybe now I'm the one that would make him wait 😉
"I've been dating like crazy since and having the time of my life." - Love this, Patty! And don't call yourself "foolish", you just wanted so much to believe!
I almost think we are inclined to like the challenge of trying to get them to change their mind on some level. As if maybe if they do decide they want a relationship then it was so worth it. As I mentioned I was hurt so I am hesitant to trust, but the new guys I've been dating are fabulous. They want to be with me. They want to spoil me. So yes that is what is out there. Someone that I deserve and that deserves me. Now if I can find someone like this with the chemistry component too, then I will have found my match for life.
Look for someone who could be the best friend who you're also attracted to, Patty. That's got the makings of the best relationships I've even known!
Thank you for your post. I really enjoy reading your words of encouragement. I went out with someone Sunday and he was great! Definitely potential! He too is looking for a best friend in a relationship and there was a spark too. He made me feel like I was the only person in the place and we were at a restaurant with over 100 people there. Funny how life can present opportunity if you just open your heart a little.
Love hearing this, Patty. This is so very true!
eveb please take it from me and end it now before it gets anymore complicated...,men knows what they want and when they are ready and right now you are giving him the control of what happen as he knows that you really like him yet he still there making you feeling more vulnerable. Eve he is not "ready" and no matter how great of a woman you are he will only keep you twisting in the wind, be selfish to you and tell him goodbye.
I agree with Romeka and everyone pretty much. He might be nice and all, but let him go, no contact of any kind! When a guy is "ready" he is ready. Imagine a relationship with a guy who IS ready! How awesome will that be! (even with the good times and the bad) 🙂
Exactly, Elisia! 🙂
Exactly, Romeka. This isn't about "how great of a woman you are", it's about what page he's on. Thank you for these words for Eve.
Oh boy. Classic scenario where if she sticks around, she's in for a world of hurt.
Eve, this is not a relationship. He's getting everything he's looking for. What about you? Don't fall for a fantasy. He already told you where he is emotionally, please believe him. Don't rationalize the sweet nothings he's doing. His words are very clear. He doesn't want a relationship and you do. So you definitely have to do what's best for you.
I think it would be wise to have a conversation with him and tell him that you really like him, but you're looking for a boyfriend and he's clearly not on the same page so you need to let him go. If he asks to stay in touch, tell him you'd prefer not to. Finish off by saying if you ever feel ready to be fully into giving a relationship with me a go, then you may reach out, otherwise please respect my wishes. You wish him luck and off you go to get back to reality and hopefully to a man who can give you the relationship you're looking for. Another thing to bear in mind is that you don't know this guy well enough in that short a time, that'll help you understand it's just a fantasy and you won't fall back to trying to convince him or comparing others to him when you meet other guys.
I really hope for your sake you can see clearly and avoid heartbreak.
Great advice, Angel. Thank you!
Thank you Eve. This is my situation and I'm in Nigeria. I've just done one week no contact without asking as he would never agree to letting me go. I've been battling to not call today but now with this its very clear that I need to move on. I was gonna try two weeks without and maybe be friendly as he's been trying to contact, although he gave up yesterday. Sigh this is tough but I'm trying to just remember this is in my best interest and pain now will save me from massive heart ache later. Anyway best of luck to you Eve.
Welcome, L! As you see, you're so not alone. Do what you need to do for you, not because of following any set of rules, but because it's the best thing for you. Sometimes, we need to see something more before we can finally let go.