Where is this elusive soul? Where does he hide? Where does he spend his time?
What places call to him, and who are the people he spends his time with?
I know this is what you're really asking.
Where is he? And where do I find him?
If there was one question I asked myself a thousand times, it was this one. There was no one who understood just how elusive he could be more than me.
I had searched everywhere for him. Different provinces. Different states. Even different countries.
But still he eluded me.
I saw so many of my girlfriends meeting and marrying ordinary men who made for extraordinary husbands. There seemed to be someone for everyone, everyone except me. Everywhere, couples were together, laughing, enjoying each other's company. Effortlessly finding each other, effortlessly getting together.
Everyone, except me.
But there was something I missed. Even the least likely candidates for boyfriends and partners and marriage and love, all had one thing that I wouldn't discover until much, much later: They had themselves.
They knew who they were. They knew who they weren't. They didn't pretend they were something other than who they were.
But there was something more.
They didn't try to change someone who showed them who he was. They didn't focus so much on someone's potential that they missed the reality of who that person really was.
And most importantly, they didn't make love out of nothing at all.
You know what I tell my clients today? The biggest kept secret is that you can have anyone you want. But you first have to know what you want.
If you say you want him, and it's the idea of him but not who he really is, you can't have him. Because he's not the one you really want.
We can't know what we want until we know ourselves.
So you say you want someone and you have his full description in front of you and then you decide he's the one. And now you don't have him and you wonder what went wrong.
What went wrong, is that he wasn't what you want.
He may have given the illusion that he was what you wanted, but underneath, in the only place that matters, there's a disconnect between what you want and who he actually is. That matters!
Before you build your life and hopes and dreams with someone, you have to know who you are. How else can you do this? You can't. There is simply no way you can if you don't first know who you are.
Why?
Because if you know who you are and what you want and what that looks like to you, you'll go there, you'll be in those places, you'll give off that energy that attracts him to you and leads him to you, you'll show up there because you are already there!
It's why I know that I would have an easier time now finding the one who's right for me, because I know so much more of myself.
I've grown into myself. I've discovered myself. And I know how to recognize the ones who are right for me – and the ones who aren't.
So don't tell me there's no one left for you. Don't tell me I got the last one.
Don't believe for one second the pity party that would have you telling yourself that you're the victim who deserves nothing more than the crumbs that are left for you. I'm not buying it – and deep down, neither are you.
It's why you're here.
And it's why I'm here.
I've been there. I've looked for him in every place except the one place where I finally found him.
Looking within.
Now I'd know where to go. I'd know what to do. I'd know how to recognize him.
Because I'd know how to recognize me.
This looking around in all the wrong places for the ones that can never be what you want them to be; it's not how you find him by doing more of the same.
You find him by finding you. You find him by going where people go who share your passions, your interests, your dreams, your energy.
It's not a cliché. It's real.
Don't waste any more of your beautiful time and energy doing more of the same, thinking that it's better to settle for what you have then start over with someone new.
It's not faster. The fastest way to find him is through you.
Thank you so much Jane! At 53, just out of a seven-year relationship with a Doctor who lost his med license and had nothing when we met. I was on a mission to stick by him and prove that he can once again be successful. Long story short he is now successful and we are no longer together because he no longer needs me. I could feel in my gut so strong that he was cheating on me and he was getting so verbally abusive that I just left. This article has helped me so much because I'm so tired of fixing other people and seeing the potential in them and not taking care of myself. You and your website come along when I had no hope as I had sold my home and I'm having to start over. He calls and calls and I have been doing no contact but I will admit it has been getting really hard to do that because I'm struggling financially and mentally and it has been almost a year.
I just want you to know that your articles help me more than you will ever know. I can't afford counseling so you are my counselor and my angel of help! Thank you thank you!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Annette; I'm so glad to be here for you. This is all you; you're just taking my words and running with them - don't forget that part. Let him be him and you be you. It's never as personal as we make it out to be in our own minds. This is him showing his true colors, revealing who he really is. Could you live with that? That's always what it comes down to. You have to be able to live with yourself and that beautiful face looking back at you in the mirror. This isn't about him - it's about you doing what you need to do for you!
I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a man I love dearly. It came to a point where he decided he had commitment phobia to marriage. Deep down I knew this was always an issue but I was listening to his words and not his actions. It was extremely tough for me to make the decision to leave him but I knew it's what I had to do to get to the next chapter on my life. Due to recent events I am in the grieving process but I have hope that things will work out for me.
I have been in contact with a guy I met when I was just 10 years old and 33 years later he is still in my life - first as friends then it turned into something more in the last 15 years. I am from South Africa and he works around the world, so it makes it impossible for us to be together. I have recently met a guy who is 10 years older than I am and shows genuine interest in me. I feel like I'm at a crossroads at the moment because I cant seem to let go of 15 years to another man I met 3 months ago...who is effortless at everything!
Help.
What do you really have if the man of 15 years cannot be there for you when you need him? What do you really have if he's always traveling? Are you happy with the way things are? Can you live with that?
Do you know exactly what you need? Can he give you that? If you leave him, don't leave him for someone else. Leave for YOU. You are who matters most in your life. Take the driver's seat and drive your life where you want it to go.
You're the one doing the choosing, Helena. It's not enough if someone shows genuine interest in you - ask yourself what you think of him. What's he like? What does he have to offer you? He has to prove himself worthy of you as well!
This is one of the best comments I've read. I love empowerment and strength especially with matters of the heart.
So glad, Cheryl!
I feel that I am at "the letting go" stage when it comes to finding the right man for me. I haven't had any luck in the "dating world" all through high school, college and now in my late 30s. I've had relationships or spurts of dating the same guy a few months here or there and then them telling me they didn't want a relationship. I've been interested in men who only approached me and flirted and then disappeared before even asking me on a date. I feel emotionally and physically drained just thinking about it. Maybe I've placed too much importance on romantic relationships and I scared off these men. I've decided to "let go" or "give up" this dream and just focusing on me, working on me and my interests. I want to be a pro songwriter or something else creative. I sometimes think I could have had a publishing deal by now if I would have spent as much time chasing my dreams, rather than chasing the men I was interesred in or crushing on! I'm done and I got a lot of catching up to do! Sadly, a number one hit song seems more attainable to me than finding the right man!
And I have a feeling, Jamie, that on the road to pursuing your own dreams, you'll find someone who fits into your life beautifully right along the way!
Hello
I have been in a 10yr relationship he was 9yrs older than me and when we got together I was 18 and he was 27. We started off just having fun I was enjoying the moments it was not that serious because I was younger. He always lived with his grandmother so when I was 21 I decided it was time to move out I just figured one of us needs to get our own place so I wanted us to move together but his excuse was always "Im not moving with anybody until I get married" so I got my own apartment and he would come and spend the night fast forward over the years he still lived at home and he would always break up with me. If we have an argument about him not calling or going missing and not thinking about me he would be like "you know what, I don't want to be in this relationship" and I would get sad and apologist for things that was not my fault. Us being on and off for 10 yrs and he still haven't committed to me it has made my self-esteem really low. Its so hard because this is the only person I have been with. So he just moved out on his own at 37 and he left once again. I always wanted him to move on but with me. What should I do and why has he always treated me like this? I don't want to be a victim but I have been there for him paying for everything helping him out and I feel like I have got nothing. He walks away and now he is living his life like its ok and its not far . I know life isn't far, but what do I do is something wrong with me that I'm not seeing?
You make things too easy for him. I am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. You are young and beautiful and there is someone out there better matched to your life. Stop giving him what he wants and give yourself but you need. It's not going to be easy that I know for sure. In the end when you feel happy it will be worth everything you've gone through.
It's what we allow that continues, Davincia. There's nothing ever wrong with you, but spend enough time living your life on someone else's terms trying to effect a specific outcome, and you'll begin to believe there is. How could it not effect your self-esteem? You were the one who took everything that was wrong with your relationship on yourself, being sad and apologizing for the things that always take two. The only thing that you did "wrong" was not believing him earlier on when he first said he didn't want to be in this relationship. Give him back what's his and refuse to take on what isn't yours anymore. What's not fair is you treating yourself this way, allowing yourself to be treated like this. He's going to do what works for him - don't take that personally! Now you do what works for you - that's a life!
Peace & Blessings
Thank you for being so freakin Awesome Sauce!!!!!
When I think about how I was this time last year compared to today. All I can say is Awesome Sauce!!!!!
I found the love of my life. This person is so kind, sweet, firery, considerate, extremely humorous passionate about yoga , loves vegan food and is incredibly BRAVE.
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH ME....
And guess what? I'm still on my honeymoon stage.
1Love
Love getting these updates from you, Sharri - and I'm so happy for you. This is all you!
Hi Jane
Another great email but I am struggling finding me. I have low confidence and don't know where to start!
Selina
Dear jane,ever since my husband of 42 years died 3 years ago i have been with 2 men. It all ended bad. They had nothing,i owe no one. I don't need a man but i want a man in my life,i just don't get the good guys,i think i will stop trying. I'm getting to really know who i am and i like me,but i feel men don't. Maybe I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time.I'm a very attractive 64 year old woman and young at heart, when I'm out with friends men will stare at me but never approach me,i smile
Look good and nothing
So it will be,me,myself and i.
Or maybe just on the other side of what you think is the wrong place at the wrong time, the right time and place are waiting. We never know just how close we are until we have the gift of hindsight, Lucinda. And then it all makes sense.
This is so true on so many levels. Spiritually it is how Eve came out of Adam. Physically God has already given us everything we need inside us. Emotionally thats where we find solace. So, i agre
Thanks for sharing, Jaquetta. On so many levels indeed!
Jane FABULOUS!!! Speaking from own experience, once you find YOU and do the things that make YOU happy. You will attract what you need in your life. How can I know what I want if I do not who I am. I made a vision board and I listed who I was (faithful, loyal, leader, loving, whole, etc.) if this person is me...then I want the same person. Today, I have a man that is all of these things. He is not perfect either am I, but we have a foundation that is workable. The last relationship taught me a lesson that if you do not stand for what YOU want you will fall for anything!! I salute that gentlemen, why because if he had not left me then I would have not did the work that it took to find me!! This is funny he use to tell me get a life and all I wanted to say YOU ARE MY LIFE!! Then he found someone else which forced me to learn something. I did just that!! One day I will get a chance to say Thank You Mr. Wrong you taught me a valuable lesson..."When you know who you are you will never choice anything less than that"!!!
Oh so true, RealDavis. We live and we learn and then we live and learn some more. And then we find someone not perfect, but real. First ourselves. And then someone else equally as not perfect, but real. The search is always within us, and not about anyone out there.
This is so true!! I'm with a wonderful man who is taking our dating very slow. We now barely see one another, but I have come to realize he is testing me. He is seeing if I can survive on my own, have my own life. I have been stuck in an apartment and it has caused me to be needy towards him and panic if he doesn't talk to me. But in the last month I have calmed considerably, because I don't want to lose him. I now have found a rent house and I already feel myself coming back to life. This is what I've needed to find myself again. I am an outdoor person who loves to work in the yard and so does he. I have helped him at his cabin. But now he will see I can survive on my own and my interests are real and not because of him. So ladies do your own thing so that he knows you are truly who you say you are.
Thanks!
Brenda
Thank you for sharing, Brenda. "Coming back to life" is what so many of us experience when we take back our own very real power and for what is often the first time in our lives, truly begin to live!
Another fab blog. Thanks Jane. As I have said before, I feel so old at 57 !! I clung on to a relationship for more than three years rather than being on my own.
I know now that I sold myself short. Giving yourself to someone and not getting the emotional attachment that we so desire back is not only soul destroying - in my own experience it has cost me much more than that.
We cannot get our time back.....but hopefully we can learn as we go on our way.
Still hurting and soooo afraid is where I am at today. The house seems much quieter, much lonelier now. And yet I stayed on my own for half of the week anyhow ???
Its all in our minds. The self hatred, the way we speak to ourselves, the put downs......we do it so well all by ourselves.
But I will continue on. Yes I still cry. Yes I still wait for the phone to ring.....but it IS getting easier. small baby steps.......
I do get what you are saying though Jane. What we give out we get back. Positive thinking. Self belief. FREEDOM ????
Love this website and all my friends. Thankyou xxx
All of the above, Wilma. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this so much clearly than before. At any age. At any time in our lives. It is always about how we treat ourselves - how we allow ourselves to be in this world - and always in our minds. I'm so glad you're here, too.
Thank you so much for that insight. I have realised that i need to find myself than just maybe someday i will find the person that I really want. It is not easy i have so much pain and resentment inside me maybe that is why I always get hurt. I fall head over hills in love with the wrong guy because i am to scared to be alone and being alone might just not be such a bad idea after all taking time out to realise what is it that i really want.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Cordelia. You're so not alone here; I think every one of us can relate to your words on some level. It's not such a bad idea at all!
Thank you, Jane. You have just eloquently articulated the only concept that rings more true to me than any other.
Lately I've been going on and off with the search. I've gotten a glimpse of what is possible and it's been wonderful, but I'm not there yet.
I still feel there's so much to get to know about me.
Somehow today, when I read the question: "where is he?" I didn't feel scared, or any sense of urgency to find him. I don't even know who "he" is. I still find myself finding out about who I am and therefore I have no idea who he is yet. I'm slowly creating a template but it feels like I still have miles to go. Only this time, when I think I still have so much to do to get where I've always thought I've wanted to be, I don't panic or hurt. I feel relieved.
I'm getting acquainted with my anxieties, fears and pain and I'm ok with that. I feel less alone than I've felt even if there's no one around. I'm slowly starting to realize I will always have myself, so I can't ever be alone.
Big hug to you. I feel like I know you already and I'm glad you exist.
Exactly, Angel. This is the part we so often miss. We get clearer and clearer with every step of this journey; and it's always our own, each step of the way. We always recognize the hearts and souls that are aligned with our own - even if it takes some time to see this. 🙂