I've noticed a trend recently, one that really got my attention.
Lately it seems like so much of the advice and anecdotes I've been seeing and hearing from friends, on social media, on other blogs, is about how we women can be more "badass", tougher, stronger, harder, etc.
I see so little about what we actually want – and need! – to hear.
The part about who we were made to be. That part that speaks to our soft hearts as strength, not of weakness. The part that embraces who we are in that softness, instead of reinforcing our culture's preoccupation with seeing weaknesses as strengths and strengths as weakness.
We've fallen for it, too.
No, who we are in the depths of our very own hearts and souls can never be described with adjectives like these. No, the words that describe who we really are deep down inside and what we were born to be – as women, not men - runs much closer to our actual hearts.
What a statement about how far we've gotten away from ourselves. That most of us don't even recognize the implications when we see them. It's no wonder we're so hard on ourselves, that we spend more time blaming ourselves for what we're not and beating ourselves up for what we are, than we do celebrating the very qualities that make us the women we are.
Yes, it may speak to some parts of ourselves that we never felt free to express.
Yes, these words – this permission to say them and become them – may grant us a certain amount of freedom that we never felt before. But at what cost to those parts of us that aren't all about this? At what cost to us? Might there be a better way to express ourselves and still get our message across but in a way that dignifies us instead of making us into something we're not?
You don't need any more messages on how to be something other than what you really are. You don't need any more messages on how to reinforce the programming you already hold that there's something wrong with who you actually are.
You don't need any more encouragement to become something or someone you're not – and never need to be. You don't need any more of the feeling like there's something wrong with you because you're not living someone else's version of what you should be.
And yet we do this to ourselves all the time.
We sell ourselves short, we sell our very heart and souls when we defer to someone other than our own selves. Because we're so good at reading between the lines, picking up on queues that aren't ever spoken, to hear what we should do differently. To become what we should be.
But where does that get us when we sell out once again against the pressure of what we think we need to be?
Hard. Cold. Distant. Tough.
Where's the love in that? Where is our true nature in that? Where are we?
It's no wonder we feel we belong in a different time and place. It's no wonder we think there must be something wrong with us when everyone else seems to be able to wear these qualities proud except us.
No, Beautiful, there's nothing wrong with you. Only with this idea that you have to be something other than you are. That you would feel this pressure to be something that you're not and question of what value then are you really.
This is where the real damage is done. Living like someone tells you that you should. Trying to be what someone else says you should. It's so familiar. This place you find yourself in. Isn't this what you've always done? Heard what was wrong with you from the very people who had no interest in you, and then tried to show them you already had it in you?
Tried to prove that you've had it all along? For what? Who are they? How do they know you better than you know yourself? Ah, but it's all making sense now. This deferring to others, to the "they" they represent is almost second nature to you. So familiar.
How can you not go there?
But what about those beautiful qualities you possess? The soft, loving, giving, caring, wonderful qualities you hold. Oh, but they're worth their weight in gold!
Tell them to walk on by. The most beautiful strength of all is in the eyes of a woman who knows who she is, who knows the strength of refusing to be what someone else wants her to be, but remembers her worth can never be measured in the terms of the world.
No, don't listen to them. It's such a faint whisper you hear. Look at that beautiful woman in the mirror. See how her curves are just where they're meant to be.
She's soft. Feel her skin. It's soft, pliable. Touch her heart. Hear it beating.
That's love like no one's ever known with every beat. Those soft places of compassion, of love, of caring, of empathy, of giving, of embodying everything we've ever called love. You have them all. It's not your fault you've been misled.
We all have.
We don't need more of women standing up like men to meet their match head on. We need more of women, standing up in their power as women with the grace and strength that can only come from that place of softness and gentleness.
That's what he longs for. Not his match. But his complement. Not your match. But your complement.
You were never made to embody the same kind of strength as him. You were never meant to show him his match that resembled only him.
How can he find you when he doesn't know where to look? How can he know where to look when his heart of hearts longs for a strength so different from his that it calls him by name? He's so confused when you show him what he's supposed to want but when he longs for what you already have.
Unbury it. Release this soft, beautiful side of you.
Yes, it can be hurt. Yes, it's fragile. But don't let that stop you. That's the only way it knows how to love. Fully. Completely. Not him, yet. But with the potential to give all that because it's already there.
Because it's the only way we know how to love.
Hi Jane
Thanks for your such wise words about honouring our feminine qualities
I feel blessed to have a number of very special women in my world who have walked through some very challenging personal journeys of healing and growth and empowerment and who uphold those qualities of gentleness caring kindness inclusiveness and nurturance and good humour which define for me The Sacred Feminine qualities which the world truly needs and who are veritable Goddesses who inspire me constantly
I meet with a group of older ladies weekly to knit .We knit quilts for disadvantaged people across the world .They are a great bunch of girls who I call my homies who make me smile and warm my heart every time we meet
Last week one of them said to me "Wendy on the planet I come from people float around in Kaftans and eat almonds and are just kind to one another all the time
She made me smile...sounds like the planet I'd like to call home
We also have great womens organizations in our neighbourhood which are set up to assist and empower women in practical health and creativity related issues and visiting these places is like stepping into a wonderful nurturing uplifting and inspirational oasis for ladies lucky enough to visit
From these people I have learnt how wonderful and empowering it is for women to support and share with one another in a positive gentle and open honest way with one another
Another of my friends runs a shop in a small country town and is the most caring generous beautiful soul Each time I have called by to see her there is a line of people waiting to get into the shop to talk to Deniese .The local people just love her She listens with endless and easy compassion to their problems and gives thoughtful caring counsel almost without seeming to .......I call her an undercover angel
I am grateful for these beautiful women in my life who remind me of these precious qualities I would like to emulate and honour and uphold in my own life
Love and Blessings
Wendy
Sounds like an amazing group of women you've found, Wendy. Thank you for sharing - for inspiring us all to know there are such special soul sisters around to be blessed by. And for your kind words. We forget to embrace - much less celebrate! - our feminine selves far too often.
Thank you all for your positive comments and support. I will just keep believing that the right guy for me is out there. Best wishes to you all on your journey to find true love xx
Jane thank you for your words:
I am not a bitch, but why do men bring that out of us?
Why are there so many websites about how men feel?
I am a woman and I want to be heard! Do men look us up how we feel?
I am done with my past platonic friend.
I never wanted platonic in my life and he pointed out to me one time his fertility was not to be discussed and none of my business. His fertility at 55 was not the topic it was having a platonic relationship with me and he avoided that topic, platonic, like the plague.
I just wanted to share today the State of NM tabled the Right To Work decision, I just wanted so bad to share with him. He knows that means much to me as I am a VP and Union Steward.
I wanted to contact him so bad and let him know this. I am proud to let you know I kept in my mind NO!!
You taught me it is about me and my happiness and I have seen that I have to stick to my guns!
Bang! Bang!
BTW what do you think about a woman being with a way younger man?
Cat
Thank you so much jane....your comments are really greatful.you are right.we should be with what we actually are.thanks again for the inspiration. With lots of love...
I'm so glad you felt this, Mimi. Thank you.
Beautiful post, Jane. Thank you so much. Thank you for encouraging us to let our fragility shine and be. Thank you for reminding us or letting us know that our emotions and sensitivity are of value when we're so conditioned and programmed to be "tough" everyday.
I'm so glad this resonated so much with you, Angel. "... that our emotions and sensitivity are of value" - oh how they are! Priceless to the ones who are truly right for you!
And they're the only ones you want in your life. Not the wrong ones who we try so hard to make into the right ones. That's the part that is so very much in our control!
I know that now. I have been trying hard to make some people into the right ones and it's time to just stop. I'm exhausted. I'm willing to let them go just like that. Hopefully the right ones will walk in soon.
I think there are so many mixed messages around the internet to books . I think this modern day instant gratification society has gone crazy. Women are wired one way and men are wired a different way, no matter how each generation changes, one thing will never change is our DNA. There is nothing wrong with being the authentic you crazy and all. We all can be soft etc. Embrace it. I too am soft, and use to feel I should be tougher, but I hate being tough with a partner I find it too hard. I feel free when I am soft, myself. I thought when someone once called me tough on the outside but soft in the centre meant some negative, but that's who I am. I cant be tough in my career and be tough at home. I rather be free at home and myself.
Don't follow what they tell you to be ...they meaning, the media stereotype a friend or family member, we are all different and same in some ways. There will be some people who accept you and some don't but that's life. There is no ideal. There is just life. So live it. I am sick and tired of all the BS advice out there. I know hes out there somewhere and we will meet when we are suppose to. I hope!!!
So true, B. Don't ever doubt this!
I've been in a new r-ship with this guy for 3 months n we get along so well n my softness is caring, try to make him happy when he's down
I stopped being clingy to him but I want to change a part of me which is forcing/pushing him n he doesn't like it n it feels like I'm on thin ice. I try my best to stop but I can't. Example I want to see a movie next week n he doesn't want to. I know I've pushed other nice guys away in the past.
I can't tell if I'm pushing him away. I love him n both on the same page but 3 months is earlier
He wants to move out n go away n I told him I have to get a full time job until I do this business n he said he can't wait that long n want to take it slow but he wants to move out
If he wants to move out, and he's set on this in spite of the timing not working for you, then it doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page here, Courtney. Remind that part of you that wants to jump ahead - to force or push something to happen - that a real relationship takes time to grow. Fill your own life with other things besides him, and put your energies there so that what he does or doesn't do isn't as important as you and your own life. You want to take it slow so you can know more about him and whether he really is on the same page as you in the things that matter most. You're worth that. And someone who's truly compatible with you will see that, too.
Hi Jane
I really love your getting to true love program and i also find that your regular emails seem to be just perfect for where I am in my life. So I was interested to read this weeks message. Jane, I'm 46, ive never been married, been in a committed relationship or even had someone tell me that they were in love with me. While not successful so far in a relationship with a man I have so many wonderful friends who love me. Who by the way can't understand why I haven't been "snapped up". I am an attractive successful woman with a kind and generous heart and adventurous spirit. Im caring and soft hearted but men don't seem to want this. It's seems that nice girls finish last. I've been told to 'be more aggressive', 'play hard to get', "treat em mean to keep em keen", or 'be more of a bitch' but that's not my nature. What am I doing wrong?
I hear you, Ann. I so hear you. And I kept asking myself that same question only more like: what's wrong with me? I can only say: nothing. You can dissect every answer you get, but if it's not you, it just isn't. You're not doing anything wrong. There's nothing wrong. We just have no partners at the moment. There's no reason. It just is. I wish I had a handbook to help us find a great partner, but there isn't any. You are wonderful. And you're fine.
Exactly!
Written by a man regarding do men like bitches
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/understanding-men/do-men-like-bitches-or-nice-girls/
"You don’t want a weak, needy, bland man.
You don’t want a raging, difficult, selfish asshole.
You want a nice guy with balls.
We don’t want a weak, needy, bland woman.
We don’t want a raging, difficult, selfish bitch.
We want a nice girl with boundaries."
So true, and I would add that it's what we ourselves are calling "weak, needy, bland" that deserves a closer look.
Thank you for your kind words, Ann. How I relate to what you're saying! I don't know you or your story well enough to know what's going on, but I suspect it has something to do with a story, a type and a belief. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, as much as you may not be aware of what's going on behind the scenes. I'll never forget the night I broke down sobbing because I had come to this same conclusion. That there was something so wrong with me. That I'd been born in the wrong time and place. That all my tough, hard, aggressive friends seemed to do relationships so effortlessly, but there was no one for me. It changed when I looked at the story, the type, and the belief and ran with what I discovered there. But it's such an individual thing. It's not something magical anyone can do for you - it comes from you. If you've completed my program and didn't schedule your complimentary coaching session with me, it's not too late to do that. Or let me know if you missed that email at the end of the course. I'd love to help you find what you're looking for. There's nothing wrong with you; and you'll see just how true that is when you meet the one who's been looking for exactly who you are his whole life.
I have been told the same, that men love bitches. But I can't be that person. I am overall a fun loving person and supportive and a mature partner. Yes we can be moody and all the female hormonal stuff. I am not a bitch. I can be tough, but a bitch is someone who manipulates and breaks a man. Although I see that men seem to like this out there, there are also a percentage of men who do not like this, as this becomes really unhealthy after a while. I am not sure what the rule is. But it does seem the sincere ones get hurt. I couldn't manipulate if I tried and be a bitch either, I wouldn't feel right.
I don't think its a general rule that men like. I think we have just not met the right ones to appreciate a decent loving genuine partner.
"I think we have just not met the right ones to appreciate a decent loving genuine partner." Exactly, B! And when you meet him, it will put all of this in perspective so that you will look back so clearly on today and understand the "why?"!!