Our gorgeous friend, who calls herself "Looking for Hope", has recently walked away from a really bad relationship and is worried that she might not find anyone else. (Sound familiar?)
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
About 6 months ago I walked away from a really bad relationship.
We were together for 5 years and engaged for 2.5 years of that time. After he proposed, he refused to set a wedding date and made up every excuse in the book like “He wasn't ready,” "we needed to save more money", or “he wanted to get to know me more.”
I drove myself crazy blaming myself for his lack of commitment and in order to put us in a better financial position I dedicated myself to paying off all of my student loans and investing in savings.
Once we got engaged, he became a workaholic where his career was his number 1 priority and starting a family or having a relationship with me was always on the back burner! I did and tried EVERYTHING, until one day it hit me that this had nothing to do with me and it had everything to do with him and his inner issues.
So, I told him that this wasn't fair anymore that I was ready for the rest of my life whether it was with or without him, that whenever I agreed to getting engaged to him we made plans of prioritizing each other and a future family and now his work was becoming the center of his life and that was not a life that I had agreed to.
It was time for him to decide what road to take, a marriage with me or the career that would make him millions of dollars.
I insisted that his job was something he loved, I would never make him quit but that his priority needed to shift back to me or I would be signing up for a life of utter sadness from constantly being dismissed.
I separated us for 2 months where I told him to take time to reflect on what he truly wanted but in the meantime, I had to focus on myself. During those 2 months, I worked out, took a painting class, hung out with friends and family, and even landed my dream job!
He was a wreck from what I understand and he asked his loved ones for advice.
While his family and friends thought marrying me would have been the best decision he ever made, he decided to listen to his boss and other “big shots” at work. I didn't know it until recently, but they had been telling him not to get married these past 2.5 years, that a wife this early in life would ruin his potential at also becoming a “big shot.”
At the end of those 2 months, he broke off our engagement. I was devastated for a while, but decided to no longer love him and moved on with my life.
Today, I am happy -- enjoying my job, volunteering with children, meeting new friends, and working on myself. I know now I have the opportunity to actually get what I want – a happy, healthy marriage with a man who is committed to me and our family, and though he may love his job, makes it a second priority to the people that matter the most!
I know this in my heart and look forward to the future, however there are some days I have very dark and sad moments.
How am I going to meet this person?
Does this person even exist?
How am I going to know it’s right?
What if I make the same mistake again?
I can’t go through another heartbreak like this, especially when I stood up for what I wanted and deserved.
I would never want to go back to my ex-fiancé, I know walking away was the best decision. I don’t yearn for him, but I do yearn for the life I was building with him – a great career, a wedding, a family, and a best friend at my side through it all! A relationship where the hard times make you stronger and where you both take responsibly for your actions.
I am enjoying this time to myself now, but while I want this time to be temporary, I fear that sometimes it will be permanent. I am 26, so I am surrounded by weddings and engagements. I am just SO worried that it will never happen for me again...the way I want it to...and this stage in my life will isolate me from my friends and family members who are getting married and starting families now.
How do you deal with this fear? How do you make sure you don’t make the same mistake? Where is the hope here? Will I find that man I described and be happy one day?
- Looking for Hope
My Response:
Dear Looking for Hope,
"I did and tried EVERYTHING, until one day it hit me that this had nothing to do with me and it had everything to do with him and his inner issues."
How inspiring to hear your story.
As hard as it must have been to let it go, you absolutely saved yourself from so much more pain and heartbreak down the road. Yes, those men may make their millions and have so many things that our culture epitomizes as success and happiness, but for the ones who love someone on that path who want more, so much more than that, their's can be the most loneliest and unhappiest lives of all.
Thank you for sharing it here.
You found your freedom. You stood up for what you knew you had the right to desire and more than the right to deserve.
It sounds like you've moved on to a beautiful life that you've created for yourself. You know who you are and all that you have to offer someone who's worthy of you, and you know that you deserve nothing less. You're finding opportunities to meet like-minded men who are on the same page, who want the same things as you, and you have a rich social circle.
You're happy and content and open to seeing things fall into place where they are meant to – for the most part. But the reality of your friends getting engaged and married all around you and starting families of their own is a part of that reality that you can't help but worry once a while that you might be left behind.
How I understand your concerns, Hope. And how deeply your questions resonate with me.
They were once my own.
You want some real reassurance that you can trust. You want to know for sure.
We get so confused along the way. If we could trust what we already know in our heart of hearts, we would know without a doubt that everything really is going to be OK, that it all works out in the end and the real happily ever after is a story that becomes our own.
But from where we stand, when the never-so-subtle reminders start cropping up around us as we see that next stage start to call our name and we're still one-half of a couple, the pressure begins. The fear starts. The doubt enters our minds.
Let it be.
Let these feeling and questions surface when they come. They don't own you. You've got this one.
They're only there if you let them be. And you've got the answers yourself in your own heart of hearts.
Look those fears and doubts that seek to unnerve you from this steady, clear path you're on, right in the eye and tell them to pass on by. There's no place for them in your world.
You've got a life to live. You've got more opportunities to create. You've got more plans to make, dreams to dream, passions to follow, places to go, things to do, not to mention all those delicious quiet moments when you're all alone and you don't have to answer yet to anyone but you.
Don't miss out on these moments at this current life stage that will just as quickly become a distant memory.
Savor them.
Relish them. Don't let your mind wander so far away into the future of what isn't yet, that you miss the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy every single one of these days you have all to yourself right now.
You deal with the fear by being aware of it, by acknowledging it, and then accepting it. Yes, it sometimes really needs you to know it's there. Yes, sometimes it refuses to be silenced. And yes, it sometimes demands to be real.
But it's only in your own mind where it matters.
And if you can look at it as a familiar friend who sometimes just needs you to notice it and accept it for what is before allowing it to continue on its way, it will be easier to let it have its place without derailing you and the life you've built for yourself. It's only as big as you allow it to be.
You won't make the same mistake because you know so much more now. You've been through it. You've lived it. You've seen it. You've felt it. Your body and mind and soul sense it and will let you know in so many different ways if you allow them to - and listen to them.
They only get louder and more vocal if they're not heard. They're your gauge. Watch. Listen. Feel. Use your senses. If it seems like something familiar, somewhere you've been before, it probably is. It's how you'll know.
The hope is already there. It lives inside of you. All you need to do is remember that. And keep going. Keep participating. Keep showing up. Keep letting the true light of you shine through.
It's in those everyday moments of living your life that he'll find you. That you'll find each other. Look at all the stories of people you know and how they met. Especially the ones who had given up all hope. Find your inspiration from them. You'll have your own story, too.
And I have it on good authority that you'll find that man you described and be happy one day. The best kind. Yours.
Because you're the one doing the choosing here, Hope. You know what you're looking for.
And you're in tune enough with yourself to know who you are and who you're not. That's the kind of clarity that gets you there. The one based in reality, not fantasy. The fantasy can never deliver. Reality delivers every single time.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any additional words or advice for our beautiful friend, "Looking for Hope"? Tell us in the comments!
I really needed to read this today. It's been almost 5 months since things ended with my ex. He was emotionally unavailable and never put the relationship as a priority for him. He would say he wanted marriage and children with me but when the time came for him to commit, he disappeared.
After taking your online course, I felt like there was a new life I can explore and finally find true love. But there are days when I feel down and wondering if I'll ever find the right guy for me. And thoughts of my ex come back. I'm just hoping I can look back at these days and realize I was worrying for nothing. I'm trying to be strong and know that when the time is right, he'll come into my life.
Thanks for sharing your story. I really feel like I can relate. I think it will also help me. You are right it has nothing to do with you. There is someone out there just for you that will share your same beliefs and wants. Don't give up.
I want to thank everyone for such lovely responses, pieces of advice, and warm wishes of encouragement. I wish the same for all of you, of course!!
Jane, thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance that reminded me that I'm not off track at all. I'll keep participating as you said, which I know will come to more learning, and eventually to the future I have dreamed of and worked hard for. I have promised to re-read your words every time I let that fear get the better half of me and remember what my reality is. You are a beautiful person for what you do for all of us. Thank you 🙂
So glad you experienced all this for you here, Looking for Hope. Thank you for your update. And for your kind words, thank you. In time, they will become your words, too.
Hello,
Yes I totally understand your fears and doubts of your future. I am exactly the same though I'm 10 years older than you. Although I have accepted that it could be I will not meet the one until 10 years from now and I am fine on my own, I get fears and doubts on those days I feel tired or lonely. It is normal but what you do is believe and get encouragement from this blog that your wish comes true. You never give up believing that there is that person with who you can share your life with.
As for me on those days I feel a bit lost, I actually sometimes dont even know what I want. I always wished for a man and a family but since I dont have them, is it even what I want I sometimes think. I have now taken a new challenge with my career and it keeps me very busy that I dont even know how I could even meet someone now. I dont have time to date nor do I think I bump into him at work either. However, although I may have made this conclusion about the current situation, once again in the future I dont know when and where but another man will come to my life. Will he be the One? No one knows but that's why it is important to know what we want and listen to our gut what it tells us. I think we both have learned from the past and that will guide us to right direction and then it is just about enjoying the ride of dating and getting to know the person. That said if you turn that thought of fear or doubt around, it is actually exciting 'cause we dont know who he is and what happens next.
You did the right thing walking away from bad relationship and I'm sure you will be fine. You have your whole life ahead of you. Dont worry, keep smiling and enjoy your life. Then sooner than you think, he will appear unexpected.:)
All the best!
-Annie
Jane:
Reality is so true and not fantasy.
I have another fav quote:
Friendship is like fishing.
You have to have patience to catch the right one.
That is how I caught you.
So be nice.
Or I will throw your ASS back.
He made me feel he threw my ASS back. Deep in his heart he knows this is not true.
I GLEE!!!! knowing I can be nicer.
No one can throw you back unless you allow them, too, Catherine. People let us go all the time because without their action, we would hang on and hold on and stay and never leave and keep trying to make it work until there was nothing left of us! Can you see that? No matter how it feels, no matter how we take it, that's the gift in this!
When I was in my teens and twenties I was very shy and lacking in confidence around men and felt that as a result I missed some good opportunities. In my thirties I became less shy but got involved with the wrong kinds of people eventually marrying someone who ended up being completely wrong for me and I had to leave the marriage. I would also love to meet someone else but thus far no luck. I met someone I liked but felt he may have been just"playing" me. It can be difficult to meet people you can trust. I also am "looking for hope"
I so hear you, Leonie. You didn't miss out on anything. If it's meant to be, it will come back again. You're on your own time table and not anyone else's. Love is always, always looking out for you!
Dear "Looking for hope", you are 26, you have the whole life in front of you... I admire the courage you had to walk away and that you have the patience to find a decent relationship. I'm 34, i am a single mother of a 10 yrs old son... I've been like through hell and terrible relationships, because I thought I wouldn't find anyone else, and also because I get attached too easily. The Bengali father of my child is mentally ill (delusions, like being followed, poisoned, etc. being jealous like mad). For over six years, I accepted his being violent, contemptuous, crazy. I tried to separate, but we always came back together, till I realized (after he had kicked me in the kitchen and was like strangling me in a corner, all in front of our 4 yrs old child who was crying that we give him headache with our fights...) I was poisoning my child's life but had no rights to. So finally I separated for good. A few months after, he kicked me in the street and threatened to break all my teeth and after I called the police to protect myself, he never took care of his child nor paid anything for him.. Of course, he went away with all our savings ($14000, but still)....Becoming a single mother was the last thing I wanted to in life. Not even a year after, I jumped into a relationship with a German who was as cheap as mean, always criticized me (my body, my way of educating my child, etc.) and didn't love my child. I was able to walk away, because there was like nothing good in this relationship, but only after eight months (I should have walked away after one day). Then I met an Indian who was relationship- phobic, first made so many promises I was naive to believe in... within a year he only wanted to meet one evening and half a day per week, and finally dumped me on a very unlovely manner after ten months of relationship. I was devastated, because it was again a kind of abandon for my child and a failure for me. So the worst happened... I met online a Bengali-American pharmacist working for Walgreens in Suwanee GA. It was a long distance relationship, as I live in Europe. He gave me hope he would move over and start a new life in Europe, we met a few times.. but I stupidly only believed his words instead of watching his acts... He was always tired, complained about his life- too much work, debts, etc. I believed his story, thinking he was so generous a kind hearted as he pretented to love my child... so I proposed to help him to pay his student's loan back... he finally accepted the money ($48000), even came over after that for a little trip in Europe he had asked me to organize... and finally dumped me after a two years period of time, saying he had already told me clearly he didn't want me as a life partner...ok, it's my fault I didn't walk away when I felt he wasn't into me, and that I insisted to meet him again and that I preopoesd to help me... but how can you accept all savings from a single mother who is struggling to have a decent life and loves him and just hopes he will move over if his debt is paid as he pretended to... It's not nice from him... but it's my fault to have wasted so much time and money and energy for a man who didn't even respect me, shouted at me, insulted me...I was so put down after that story indeed... Recently I met someone and within two months this person only texted me, didn't call me or proposed to meet up... and it has taken me so much energy to accept that and move on... I have a master degree, a good job, a lovable child... if you ask my friends, they will tell you I'm beautiful, so generous and kind hearted.... but what am I doing with my life?? When I separated I was 28 and instead of stepping back and taking time to choose a good life partner, and to have faith I would find a good man, I accepted anything because I wanted a "complete" family, because deep inside me, I believed what my mother and sister had told me... that I'm so difficult, never a man would ever stand me, that I'm so egoistic, so bad... And even if now I have a better self-esteem, it still costs me a lot to accept that a man doesn't want me as a life partner. I have a very good intution which always warns me, but I don't follow it and end up suffering and ruining my life, and child's life, too. I so wished to give a little brother/sister to my son, and a loving and responsible second father... but it just doesn't happen. I'm ok with my life, I'm aware I'm very lucky, but at times, it's tough to raise a child alone and at times it's nice for a woman to feel loved from a man. So, dear "Looking for hope", you're doing well and you'll certainly find a good life partner, because you are aware of what you deserve. Good luck!
And that took courage, too, Madina. You're free now. You have your precious son and the two of you are together and safe now and free of these men. The things we do to ourselves when we're afraid, when we don't believe we're worth waiting for someone who's truly worthy of us. There is no substitute for time, real time to slow things down enough to really get to know someone before we go there ourselves and make them so much more than they actually are. Watch. Listen. Observe. Dip your toes in slightly if you must, but until you have enough evidence of actions, not just words that someone is who they seem, don't give any part of your beautiful self away. You deserve so much more. And so does you sweet little boy.
Dear Jane, thank you so much for your reply. Your soft - spoken being and wisdom are a balsam for the heart. I recommend your website to many friends of mine. It is really unique. Thank you very much for who you are.
And thank you for your kind words, Madina. It's what all our beautiful well-intentioned hearts need. You're sweet. 🙂
Dear Jane, I just wanted to say I love your reply to this email. I am finally starting to feel happy alone however like hope I often have moments wen I think this is my forever (I am 37 by the way). It's so good to know that others are going through the same and I'm not alone. You always give great advice and ur response always resonates with me. I will try and do as u say and let these feelings in but also let them go.
Thanx for all u do!!
Selina xx
Thank you so much for your kind words, Selina. I'm so glad these are resonating with you. We all have those moments, no matter what our age, no matter what our specific circumstances; you're never, ever alone! Hello and goodbye, in and out, going with the flow and not taking any of these so seriously is how we go through them. Sometimes it's easier than others - oh how I know this to be true! Always, always here for you. 🙂
Jane always tells us that we have the power!! Looking for Hope, you stood up for YOU!! Create your world that you want to live in. I made the mistake of living and taking on someone else's life. I was miserable and exalted. I was heartbroken when he decided he did not want me anymore. Today I THANK him, now I have my own life I do ME!! I am meeting terrific people and my life is becoming full!! Looking for Hope you are only 26 I am closer to 50 than 40, believe me you will find who is for you!!
So true, RealDavis. Thank you for you encouraging comments.
Hi, my advice would be live in the present moment, enjoy each day, look for the positives not the negatives, fill your life with new interests take up yoga, meditation, travel let the universe bring mr right into your life, with bright blessings, Jane, Southampton, England
Beautifully said, Jane. Thank you.
Looking for Hope, I recommend you change "Hope" to "Faith" because really that is what you need. Faith in yourself that you made the right choice, Faith that you will find what you are looking for. You will. It's so hard, we all know, we've all been there. I called my engagement off when I was 34 years old, after 5 years together. I was scared to death that I was letting go of my last chance to get married, have children, etc. I had many days where I experienced unspeakable fear of ending up alone, but even in those times, I never doubted my decision to leave a bad relationship. I have thanked myself many times for being brave enough to walk off into the unknown, alone, when I was surrounded by married couples, friends having babies, buying homes, etc. Worst of all these people were telling me to go back to my fiance and that I needed to realize that what I was looking for didn't exist. At that time I felt so sure that they were wrong, but 1 year into my single life, the doubts and fears started to creep in. Two years in to my single life, it seemed like a daily battle to maintain a positive attitude, and have faith, but I remained steadfast. And then, one random weekend I ended up somewhere I had never been before (all because I had been pursuing my own passion) and lo and behold, I met the man I had always felt was out there. I was dumbstruck and remain to be every moment we spend together. He is the poster boy for why you wait for the right one. Not because he's attractive, or wealthy, or anything like that. He's the right one because he values me more than anyone ever has, he respects me more than anyone ever has, he is kind and he wants all the same things in life. We are on the same page. That is why he is the "right" one for me. Have FAITH. It will come, keep pursing your dreams. It used to annoy me sometimes when people assured me it would happen. In fact, the only person I ever wanted advice from was Jane! Thank you again Jane, you got me through MANY difficult times. This website was my saving Grace. Have Faith. Everything happens when it's supposed to, not when we want it too.
A, your story touched me so. Wow. Thank you for your beautiful words, they brought tears to my eyes. I am so inspired and honored to have been there for you in ways I never ever knew. What an honor. oh how you've been there and get this, and how much hope and yes - faith! - you've brought here, and especially to Hope who's going through such a similar thing. I am so very happy for you and appreciate so much that you took the time to share here once again and inspire us all!
I want to thank you, especially. Your story and assurance did not annoy me at all! It gave me that hope that I was looking for.
I couldn't be happier for you for sticking up for what you wanted, letting life bring it to you, and for finding that amazing man. You have obviously been through a lot and were so confident through it all, which is so inspiring! I wish you the best and will remember that the pain you went through was actually just a starting point for a beautiful life. I want the pain I have been through to be the same starting point for me, so I'm ready to go through whatever I have to go through to get there! You're right, faith and a positive attitude go so far!
Take care, A 🙂 and thank you again!!
"You've got a life to live. You've got more opportunities to create. You've got more plans to make, dreams to dream, passions to follow, places to go, things to do, not to mention all those delicious quiet moments when you're all alone and you don't have to answer yet to anyone but you." oooh Jane these words speaks so much volume to me , thankyou once more for such a beautiful reminder.............and to you our beautiful friend Looking for hope, i would really like to commend you for taking such a big step, its never easy when it comes the choice of walking away especially after investing so much into the relationship....look at how much you have achieved for your life in such a short period of time this clearly shows that you might have spent the past 5 years of your life living for this guy, working on a relationship that was a bit one sided, wow look at you now u are such an inspiration, you did a great job for yourself, and just like Jane says its ok to feel sad at times, its ok to have fear but the most important thing is to learn and move on....all the best and well done.
So glad these words resonated so much with you, Lolly. I'm so glad you're here. And thank you for your beautiful words for Hope.
I get her. I so get her. Her questions and fears are the same ones I have now.
Thank you, Jane for encouraging us to keep believing and walking forward no matter how hard it is at times.
Reality delivers every single time. I think that's true, we just have to flip it whenever we feel reality is killing us. It's just hard some days.
I wonder all the time if it'll happen for me, if I'll manage to get rid of the social anxiety that has been taking over me at times. All I can do now is breathe and surrender, just remember to do that all the time.
I know you do, Angel. I so hear you. Remember that the social anxiety isn't really who you are, it doesn't define you unless you allow it to. What you feel when you experience social anxiety is the other side of that beautifully sensitive side of you who feels so much, who senses the energy of other people around you so deeply, and responds in the only way you were programmed to. To take what you pick up on and become what "they" want you to be. To act like you sense "they" want you to act.
And yet now, as an adult - and with all that you've learned now, you recognize this pressure and it doesn't feel right to you. But how to act instead? How to feel instead? How to be instead? It's can seem so much easier to avoid these situations all together.
But you're worth more, so much more than what anyone thinks of you, Angel, or expects of you or the fleeting thoughts they might hold of you that are always a reflection of who they are more than anything about you. Feel your power, feel the beauty and preciousness of these beautiful qualities in you that reveal such a loving, caring, giving heart and soul to the ones who you're meant to be with, the only ones who matter.
Let the others go. They don't matter. You'll still feel it, but you can feel it and feel your own power rising up to meet them in a loving way. With a boundary around where you begin and they end. Whoever they represent, whatever message they send you, you can politely say to yourself when you sense this "no, thank you; I've got this one" and then move on to an energy that feels loving, caring, accepting, to you. Look for the eyes that match your own with a smile, with a gentle knowing that they understand and get you do. You don't have to make them out to be more than just that, either. A simple smile that someone understands.
The ones who get that, who get you, will always have that smile ready for you. They understand. They know. Wherever you go, whenever you're out, look for them. They'll counter whatever other feelings you have until eventually, they're all you see.
Sending you a couple of outstretched arms to embrace you in a warm, loving hug, Angel. I'm always here for you.
Thank you, Jane so much.
I'm so thankful for you being always there and thank you so much for the hug. I really needed it.
So glad, Angel. Always!