Our gorgeous friend, who I'll call "Madeline", was very hurt by a nasty email from her ex after their break up. She's having a very hard time letting go, and wants to let him know just how much he has hurt her with the things he said.
Here's her email:
Thank you for all of the tips to make this new year successful!
I am a 58 year old woman that was in a long term (17 year) on and off relationship. Right after New Years, he broke it off (not the first time) and said some very hateful and nasty things when he did (via email, of course).
Maybe I should back up a little.....
I live in CA and he lives in Oregon. I have lived in Oregon with him and he has lived in CA with me and 3 times we have gone our separate ways, only to eventually work things out and get together again.
8 years ago, he lived with me in CA and I asked him to leave he had a horrible gambling problem and had started to put walls up all around.
For about 3 years after he left, I received letters from him telling me how much that he missed me, how he would give anything to have us work this out, how he now had a decent income and asked how he could help me (he borrowed a countless amount of money from me to cover his gambling debts), etc, etc.
And one fateful day, I called him and we started to talk again. We met shortly after that and all he could talk about was us getting married and living happily ever after.
During the past 5 years, I have been working on an SSDI claim and have had no income so we decided that it would be better for me to stay put until everything was resolved and then I would move up.
During the past 5 years, I got the "forget the financial situation, move up here now, I cannot live without you" to "no, lets get the financials all resolved first". Back and forth, like a yo yo.
In the past few months, he started to have a "friendship" with a woman and even though he denied it, I sensed that it was more. I visited him in Dec and saw a text from her to him saying "I will love you forever my friend, kiss" and one back to her saying "I love you, kiss".
He swore it was just in a friendly nature and even though my gut told me not to, I accepted it, believed it and kept going.
He swore his love and dedication to me and our future even telling me that he would talk to her and tell her that he loved me and that there would never be anymore than friendship. I rejoiced and started putting things into place to move.
Even at the airport when he was telling me good bye he kissed my lips and told me that he wanted a forever future with me and that he would tell this other person that they would never be more than friends. We started talking about our future more and more and I was ready to move any day.
He was going to visit my family for the holidays and at the last minute, cancelled.
He started to withdraw a bit and I asked him what was going on. He said that he had an appointment with his therapist to talk to about a few things. Ok, that's fair but he loved me and nothing had changed.
A few days before that appt. he was very standoffish and I asked what was up. I got an email sent to me telling me that he did not want to be in a relationship, that he wanted to live his life for himself. And this had nothing to do with the woman friend.
Oh wait....before all of that happened, he was in debt and asked my single parent, struggling daughter to borrow $10,000. (She got that money from her deceased dads life insurance). She agreed knowing that it meant so much to be for he and I to be together and how much that would help.
Ironically, less than 10 days later, he sends me this nasty email, accusing me of many things (not true), and even saying that our relationship was nothing more than sex and breaking everything off. (He knew the sex statement would cut me to the core because he knew that I would not sleep with anyone unless I was in love with them and although I enjoyed the sexual act, the intimacy is what I craved).
He now has an open relationship with this other woman....yes from a man that swore he didn't want to be in any relationship at all and that is why he was ending it with me.
I am exceedingly angry about everything. I cannot honestly say whether I feel hurt or not yet I will admit if I allow my mind to go to the place of imaging him kissing her, my gut feels like it was punched. I keep trying to push the feelings away so they are not affecting me physically but I have now started to have my subconscious deal with it and it is affecting my sleep and other facets of my pretty empty life right now.
I want to move on....I want to put this all behind me. I want this all to be over.
I have a question for you that frankly has been eating at me and I am unsure on how to handle it. When he broke it off with me, he said many horrible things about me and about our relationship, yet I had been with him 2 weeks before and he professed his undying love for me and our solid future.
I am very angry at some of the things that he said because they were not true.....it was his way of making me mad, which he did frequently in our relationship. Most of the time in the past, I would let it go to not cause a fight or additional problems.
I am finding it very hard to let some of the things that he said go and I want so much to let him know that the things that he accused me of are not true, even though he knows that....it is my way of standing up for myself and showing the strength that I have.
I have tried writing him the letter and not sending it but that has not resolved the issue for me because I want HIM to know that I am not a fool and I do not appreciate his lies and accusations. And the truth is that I do not want to hear anything from him after I send the letter. I feel as though I need it to close the book.
However, there is a little concern that if I piss him off, he won't pay my daughter. (Slight because I do believe that he will).
There is some concern that I am only going to stir up trouble for myself and be concerned that he will retaliate in some way. But those are things that I was concerned with during our 17 year relationship and I guess what I really want to show him is that he can no longer push me around or manipulate me....that I have a brain and a heart and he is not going to step on them again. Maybe it is just that I don't want him to think that once again he got away with using his mouth (or fingers in this case) in a destructive way and got the last word.
So please, tell me how to use this to become a stronger person and move forward. I thought about seeing a hypnotist to help calm my subconscious but not sure that would work.
Thank you!
- Madeline
My Response:
Somewhere along the way, Madeline, you've given this man so much of your beautiful power, that it now matters so much to you that he somehow pays for what he's done to you, for the awful and unkind things he's said about you. The letter wasn't enough because you need him to absolve you of these labels, of these judgments, that were never yours to take on or put on you in the first place.
And so, bound up in your need to make sure he knows this, he holds your power in his hands once again.
Take it back, Madeline. Hateful and nasty is his world, not yours.
Don't go there.
It's not a place for a beautiful, giving, loving caring woman like you. Throw it off of you.
I know how heavy this feels to you, but you're carrying the weight of something that doesn't belong to you.
It's his.
That he might be upset or angry enough to not return a loan to your daughter?
Wow.
Let that possibility sink in for a moment. What you're saying here is that this man who you've give the power to decide whether you're a good person or not has the capacity in him to default on a loan from your single parent, struggling daughter. What does that say about him? What kind of a person is he that you fear he might resort to tactics or actions like this?
Forgive yourself, Madeline. For what you didn't know or couldn't have seen.
Whenever we hold on so tightly to this idea that someone outside of ourselves has to free us to allow us to be free, to allow us to set the record straight, there's a lack of forgiveness and compassion for ourselves.
Of course the letter wasn't enough because it didn't work. You couldn't get to the root of where the forgiveness and compassion needs to come from because it wasn't about him. It has to come from you.
It sounds like you've been feeling pushed around and manipulated for a long time. No wonder you feel you just can't let him have the last word.
It's deep, this wounding, all that you've taken on. For the price of what you thought was best for everyone. That's a lot to take on yourself for the sake of everyone else.
It's time to let him go. It's time to let who he wasn't and what he couldn't give you go.
It's time to let how you couldn't or didn't stand up and defend yourself go. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. I'm guessing you wanted it so bad. That you saw that potential that only we can see. That it had all the makings of something really, really good. And that you got lost somewhere along the way.
Here's how you become stronger from this, Madeline. You take each and every one of those accusations and implications he made about you, all those nasty and horrible things he said about you and you face them head on.
Were they true? Were they you?
Or was this his way of feeling more powerful, and a little less broken than he felt deep down inside? People who have to put someone else down to make themselves feel more powerful feel so powerless in themselves.
They feel small. They feel controlled. They feel misunderstood. They feel scared. They feel so differently on the inside then the image they portray on the outside.
I'm not asking you to feel compassion or sympathy for someone like this who resorts to hurting someone else to cover his own pain (although seeing him for the little boy inside him might help you). But what I am suggesting is that you give him back what's his.
All of it.
And don't allow him –or anyone else to put anything on you ever again. You deserve so much more than this. But trying to get this one last word isn't worth it. Trust me on this one, it's not.
Let's say you do write back to him, and you have the last word. What will you really have?
Nothing.
It won't give you what you want it to because you can't get it from him. Give it to yourself instead.
By giving up the need for the last word. By giving up the need to be right. By giving up the need to make him pay. By giving up the need for him to be or do anything other than what he's capable of.
It's how you take back your own power.
It's how you give yourself back your freedom. To be your beautiful self. Without all the negative stuff of him.
Standing strong in your own beautiful power knowing that you had the grace to recognize a stone incapable of producing water and walked away with your head held high. In that beautiful light of you.
You're human, Madeline. You're allowed to make mistakes, to have regrets, to stay too long, to put up with too much, to be something you thought you'd never become.
It's why you're you.
It's what someone who's truly worthy of you is going to love about you. Because you deserve to be loved by someone who wouldn't ever dream of treating you this way.
Take that deep breath that's been held for so long.
Then release it. Release you.
You don't have to do anything to him or about him. This is all over as soon as you give yourself permission to release it. Taste that sweet freedom that can only come from owning your own power.
You're finally free.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our gorgeous friend Madeline should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
Jane,
Please let me know what you think?
I am waiting for your response.
Regards,
Hopeless
You've got it. 🙂
Hi Jane,
I don't even know where to begin? I have gone through so much in the past 6 months. From still having all and off pain from my breast cancer to back and fourth from my relationship. He has been dating but wants to still see me when he wants to... No knowing the right thing to do...and keep doing the wrong things...
It seems when we get to a good place. He says I want more. Is he right? Should I just be content when it is right between us. Until I say something or do something that make him walk away. Is it so wrong to want someone to be with me through the good times as well as the bad ones?? Like just a few weeks ago he said something that was really hurtful..My reaction was to get very upset and cause me to hang up abruptly. I said something I didn't really mean. I tried to apologize, by texting him. No reaction...just Silence...
So of cause that makes more anxious so I keep trying!!! Why do I keep doing this? You are right about the man having the power!!!
How do I get it back? He sees me as this pathetic person who doesn't want to let go. The more he pulls away, I go forward... The more I pull away he comes forward.. Does this make any sense? Are we ever going to be right for each other?
He keeps saying all I do is push him away. I don't want to but I just would like us to be together. How will I ever know who is the right one? Or who to trust or believe?
I keep reading your blogs on keep myself busy and do what is good for me. I am trying to get more involved in things but it isn't easy when you don't know where to start? You go out meet people but the feelings aren't there. Or the attraction that I have with him isn't the same!! It just feels so natural when we are together!! I know now after this break up it is over... I sent my last text saying that it is up to you now. I am not going to do this anymore. When he is really to talk or get together to call me. that was 3 days ago.
It is just so hard when all you want is to be Happy with the one that you are with...I need your advise do I keep trying or not? Will he call? All I want is to have one more time to talk but it hasn't happened yet. Still nothing but Silence...Be have been here before and we get together and it's great and then something happens where he pulls away again..
I know that have been too before, tell me what do I do? I really care for him and want it to be right. Am I really pushing him away??
Hope Less??
You can never be too much for someone who is truly right for you, Pammy. You're not pathetic and this pattern you're describing makes perfect sense when you're with someone who's triggering your deepest fears which in turn trigger his own. "One more time to talk" isn't going to change this. He finds it easier to hide behind blaming you by saying that you're the one pushing him away, than looking at the role both of you are playing here together. It's a dance, and not a healthy one, and not one that you want to be a part of. It causes you to doubt yourself, to mistrust your gut instincts, to feel like there is everything wrong with you and nothing wrong with him.
This isn't about there being anything wrong with you, Pammy; it's about a same page mentality that isn't there. It's about two people who can't give each other what they need, regardless of how much you want to make it so. Let it go and spend some time with the one person who wants to be with you more than anyone else; yourself. Find her. Find out why she wants someone like this who can't give her what she needs. It's like trying to get water from a stone; you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. But believing you can and believing there's something wrong with you does more damage to you than anything he could do. Wanting it to be right and happy and everything else you want can't make it happen unless he wants the same thing.
Don't live for the high of that "spark" when there's nothing there to support it. Yes, this about power - your own beautiful power. Time to take him off that pedestal so you can see the reality of who he is and who he isn't. And what he can give you and what he can't. You deserve so much more than what you're telling yourself you do!
I would love to hear your comments .Thank you .Denise
These words speak so much truth.We need to take our power back.As i read about your dilema.I am facing my own in the same way.I have a man in my life that is a recovering alcoholic stopped for 35 days but continued to be a jerk and nice its like a roller coaster .This has been going on for 6 months now.He is nice for awhile then is an asshole and i am to blame cause i dont trust him.He manipulates me to no point and i have become defensive and his actions toward me and words are so very toxic that i hate myself now.I have pushed him because he comes close to face and tells me to hit him if i feel like it .He has told me in drunken stupors he wants to kill himself numerous times.Also that he would like to slit someones throat in their sleep.This is scary to me.A week ago he lost his job.So he decided he would take my money and his and go drink at a local bar and he didn't give a shit how i felt.That he was going to do what he wanted.Meantime he had already drunk two bottles of wine.I asked him please don't do this but he did anyways.Then he sent a message of his ex and asked her to call him. Because i didn't pay attention to him i was at my daughters. He lost his job and thought he could go back with her and drink and do what he wanted cause she let him and have sex with her and not tell me just let me wonder what happened. But i found out and asked him why after we were just in the hospital to get him on some medication and help with counselor etc would he do that.He tried to tell me it was for me cause i deserved better.I think that was his way of trying to gt off from being getting caught and having to tell the truth .He is forever lying.Now tells me yes he thought about doing it but was trying to hide it and go on cause he didn't end up doing it. I apparently am suppose to forgive and forgot that was a week ago and not bring it up as he says or he wont speak to me again and yes he loves me but he wont chase me cause he has his pride and thats i am being a child if i expect that.He calls me names because i know have a counselor to help me with the anxiety and worry it has cause caused.But i have the problem he feels.He has said a lot of horrible things and done some horrible things.He has pushed grabbed swore smashed doors thrown things and has said to me being around you doesn't make me calm at all.Before i met him i was a very loving kind woman saw the good in everyone. he has turned me into a anxious frightened woman and grasping for understanding of why.But then tells me i need to agree to what he wants cause has come home for the last three months from work to me.To a bath a good meal and a woman who pleasures him.But i am the wrong person because i fight back now. I like you have thought i want to explain the hurt that has been caused and what he says is untrue but also like you think it will help.I know it wont help.So here i am feeling i am in the wrong and cannot wrap around my brain why i feel this way.Please help me to see just like this wonderful woman are broken by a man.I recently had this thought each day i allow myself to let him hurt me and feel i have done something wrong or i need to show him or tell him what he says is wrong about me.It does me no good at all.He will never change or see that because he is self absorbed and its about what makes him feel good. I see i am allowing myself to die a little more each day for someone who doesn't deserve it. I will surely perish because of him.I need to take me back and value each day for the blessing it is in my life.You have said do not feel compassion or sympathy but it is about a lost little boy who is hurting.I did think all those things and my giving and compassionate heart felt all those things for him.But he is an adult and has made decision that put him where he is and not my burden to carry anymore nor be told that he is not at fault in the hurt i am feeling.What can i say to that.
You can say "enough!", Denise. Because haven't you had enough of this? Hasn't this all been more than enough? Yes, we allow people to hurt us, to treat us in ways that we are never, ever meant to be treated because it's all we've ever known. We don't even know that we can say "no more" or that we even have the right to until it's the only left to say.
There's never anything wrong with you, but if you stay with someone who treats you like there is, you'll eventually come to believe there's everything wrong with you. You're not here to change him. You're here to be you. Give him back what's his and don't take it on anymore. That's his world. This beautiful world of your dreams, your hopes, and the promise of so much more to come for you is your world. Don't confuse the two.
Go where you're loved, be with the ones who accept you for the beautiful woman you are and don't ever let someone exert this much control over your happiness and well-being. You're never the wrong person for being who you are. And who you are is a beautiful thing to someone who is truly right for you.
I'm so sorry Madeleine you had to go through this. I have also experienced something similar and I too was lucky like you. And I try to embrace that luck now instead of feeling hatred and bitterness. Forgive him and let go. He is not worth it and deep down you know it.
As for the money, I never have gotten my money back from my ex but the amount was not so big so if you can try to seek legal ways if he does not pay it back. He certainly is a sad ignorant person for doing that to someone who has given him nothing but love and care.
Finally, never take revenge and if you feel like getting back at him, think how fortunate you are to have your daughter and many good things in life and dont let him pull you down ever! It is hard but you will shine again and you have so much love to give to this world!
All the best and God bless!
-Annie
He cheated on his wife several time before he met you? She's a lonely widow with money? He does sound like a fraud and an opportunist (Not sure his age but presuming he's close to yours and pretty pathetic he borrowed from your daughter, a single mom. How could he even ask? He has no friends, family?) I'm sure there is some psychological diagnosis for his type ...
I'm tempted to say send the letter. I think I would do it. Others may not agree. It is an act of revenge but perhaps you have a purpose; to be the one to get the ball rolling to expose this guy for who he is and I don't think that's a bad thing. Be honest with yourself what your motive is and know you'll be accepting of the outcome.
Once you send it though, turn it over and move on! 🙂
Definitely get any paperwork you can together for reimbursement and if no go, sue him and get him to court to pay up or get a judgment against him so your daughter can collect. I have a judgment sitting there gaining interest. They do expire at some point. (The clerk of court is usually pretty helpful with what you need).
Wish you the best!
Thank you for adding your thoughts here, Sunshine. 🙂
Listen to Jane, Madeleine.
Your daughter probably qualifies for legal assistance. Tell (not just encourage) her to get a lien against his home, vehicle...any asset to cover the loan plus interest and take him to court regardless of which state he will have to travel from to appear.
This is strictly business now. He frauded you emotionally and her financially.
Take back what the devil stole from you and place all the value and energy you gave him on you and your family.
This happens ALL the time. Frauds make a living out of manipulating and abusing because, at first, one does not see it coming and then ignores all the obvious red flags.
I wish you well and to think clearly without emotion - just like he played his game on you.
Be better, not bitter so you can get your dignity back and let people earn your trust. Don't just give it away. Everything else follows after that.
Guard your heart and know you are special. His loss.
God bless.
Thank you for adding this from your own experience, WJ. Sounds like you've been there in some shape or form, too.
Thank you for all your comments and support! I'm doing better and feel almost good that he is not in my life. When I have doubts, I think of what he has done to me that through out the years and know in my heart and mind that I deserve so much more. Every so often the good memories roll back in, a special song is heard, a gift is seen, and most of the time I can push that moment of sadness away.
What I am struggling with now is the other woman. She is openly flaunting their relationship and it makes me angry. First, she knew that he was committed to me when their relationship started. However I am sure he told her the same lies as he told me. "I'm going to tell ***** that our relationship is over". He told her he loved her as he was telling me the same thing. She doesn't know that we looked at a house to purchase together the last time that I saw him. But most importantly, she doesn't know that he cheated in his marriage several times before he met me. She most likely doesn't know that he was professing his undying love to me, at the same time he was telling her the same thing. She has no idea what she is in for. He is smooth.
I have an anonymous letter written to her, telling her about him. (He wouldn't know that it came from me because he shared everything with several buddies and they told me). I want to send it to her, partially to warn her and truthfully, partially to stir up trouble for them. I hesitate because I am just not sure if it will worth it. A part of it is revenge pointed to both of them, something to rid myself of the final piece of anger that I have. And a part is to warn this woman, who even though she knew that I was in the picture, was probably lied to, and a victim of sorts. She is a lonely widow with money and he will take advantage of her at some point.
I feel as though if I can release the situation with her, I can be done and move on.
What do you think? Send the anonymous letter and warm her or burn it and let her deal with her own issues when they come up? And they will eventually....protect her or allow another woman to be used by this man? She may very well ignore my letter but then it is really her issue.
So glad you felt the love and support - and oh so much understanding! - here, Madeline. We're all here for you. Personally, I wouldn't send it. My experience is that someone who involves themselves with someone like this isn't generally open to believing anything negative about him - and especially coming from an ex. My concern is more for you and the effect of what involving yourself in any more of his world can have on you. It's the fallout of catching some of that on you.
But as always, you have to do what feels right to you, with what you can live with. And whenever you're not sure yourself, let it sit for awhile so that it's not just a reaction but something you think through. Do what gives you a sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's what I've learned matters more than anything else. Your peace. You.
Jane -
"Hateful and nasty is his world, not yours". This statement had such an impact on me that as I continued to read your response, I kept going back to it. I hope that it continues to play over and over in my head. I believe it to be so true.
It is, Wayneli. Her world, not yours. And not one that you ever want to have any part of again.
PS: I'm 53 and I completely understand it's not as easy to find a great guy, in good shape, etc who's not married but if you check out dating sites, there are a lot of men out there. Wishing you the best!
Wow, Madelyne, I'm so sorry.. this really hurts. I can relate to wanting to overlook, give 2nd chances, rely on the love. Because we treat people the way we expect to be treated and would never dream of being that way to somebody. I recently nipped something in the bud. I do miss the passion and the loving aspect but I did it and I feel good about it. I miss him or the idea of him but I know (esp. after reading what you shared - and thank you by the way).. I may have spared myself a lot of heartache. I've been doing a lot of research about men, relationship dynamics and most importantly, me. Positive affirmations and building back the love you have for YOU will bring you to a place that this guy won't matter. It won't matter what he says or thinks. You know who you are (I tell my kids this all the time, then nobody can take that away from you).
I did a couple of exercises on letting go in the past when I was hurting. I believe in God and it has to do with spirituality. If interested, here it is: the letter you wrote, or if you need to write another and really release those feelings... put it in a can (coffee can) and burn it.. just give it to God... let it go up in smoke. Very healing and peaceful. I did it on the balcony...I'll never forget that... The other thing, put a tissue box high up somewhere - still able to reach (I did my closet)... Anytime you need to get out your anger/hurt whatever's eating at you, write it down - put it in the box and again - give it to God. This too is healing.
You'll also realize as you do positive affirmations, loving yourself, you deserve so much more than what this guy has put you through. I think he truly loved you but has something going on in him and maybe he realized who he really is and knows he just can't give you what you deserve. Why would he not call you to end it nicely after all these years and all you've been through together. Two weeks ago being madly in love. You have to see that he really has issues.
Could this be intentional by him to be sure this time it would end as he knows he is only hurting you with his "yo yo" ways. Cruel way but it would work. I obviously don't know him and just second guessing and DO NOT encourage you to try and figure it out because it's not worth your time and energy. Consider this a favor, a blessing so you can move on to the love that truly deserves you and you deserve. A happy woman is sexy and appealing to men!
PS: I'm 53 and I completely understand it's not as easy to find a great guy, in good shape, etc who's not married but if you check out dating sites, there are a lot of men out there. Wishing you the best!
Beautifully said, Sunshine State Girl, and oh so true. Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences here - and these healing exercises. It's always the idea of someone that we have the hardest time letting go of.
Thank you Jane. Very true....
Wow, Madelyne, I'm so sorry.. this really hurts. I can relate to wanting to overlook, give 2nd chances, rely on the love. Because we treat people the way we expect to be treated and would never dream of being that way to somebody. I recently nipped something in the bud. I do miss the passion and the loving aspect but I did it and I feel good about it. I miss him or the idea of him but I know (esp. after reading what you shared - and thank you by the way).. I may have spared myself a lot of heartache. I've been doing a lot of research about men, relationship dynamics and most importantly, me. Positive affirmations and building back the love you have for YOU will bring you to a place that this guy won't matter. It won't matter what he says or thinks. You know who you are (I tell my kids this all the time, then nobody can take that away from you).
I did a couple of exercises on letting go in the past when I was hurting. I believe in God and it has to do with spirituality. If interested, here it is: the letter you wrote, or if you need to write another and really release those feelings... put it in a can (coffee can) and burn it.. just give it to God... let it go up in smoke. Very healing and peaceful. I did it on the balcony...I'll never forget that... The other thing, put a tissue box high up somewhere - still able to reach (I did my closet)... Anytime you need to get out your anger/hurt whatever's eating at you, write it down - put it in the box and again - give it to God. This too is healing.
You'll also realize as you do positive affirmations, loving yourself, you deserve so much more than what this guy has put you through. I think he truly loved you but has something going on in him and maybe he realized who he really is and knows he just can't give you what you deserve. Why would he not call you to end it nicely after all these years and all you've been through together. Two weeks ago being madly in love. You have to see that he really has issues.
Could this be intentional by him to be sure this time it would end as he knows he is only hurting you with his "yo yo" ways. Cruel way but it would work. I obviously don't know him and just second guessing and DO NOT encourage you to try and figure it out because it's not worth your time and energy. Consider this a favor, a blessing so you can move on to the love that truly deserves you and you deserve. A happy woman is sexy and appealing to men! Wishing you the best!
Madeleine is lucky she found out about the real person this man is before she invested more time in him. As for the money I understand her not wanting to upset him, it may well prevent him from returning it. One can catch more flies with sugar than vinegar and perhaps its worth trying reverse phsycology and getting the money back for her daughter and then totally dismissing him from her life. A very hard thing to do, I know because I am going through the same thing myself.
Thank you for adding this, Carol. Sounds like you understand what she's going through all too well.
With pain can come clarity...The back =forth- come close- pull apart sounds like the cycles of a person who can not love...due to an attachment disorder....or a "pathological personality" such as a personality disorder. I love website here and another one I read often is Saundra Brown at Safe Relationships. She has a blog talk radio show about bonding versus attachment. Bottom line....the brokenness (and abusiveness, arrogance, and entitlement) does not permit them to attach the way we do. (We tend to bond and stick....no matter what) He however, cannot. He can only cycle....periods of intensity followed by rejection/abuse/cruelty. This is an issue HE HAS....like a cancer. My 18 year relationship was similar. I still go to a domestic violence support group and a 12 step group for love addicts - because my pull to him- despite horrible treatment- was really similar to an addiction. He was my heroin. I did love him and give so much....but ended up with a broken heart, life, and injured children. That is what lies at the end of these relationships. Or they discard and walk away with no look back. Researching narcissism has been helpful....but separation was the absolute best. I know- after about 14 months apart believe that I have worth and deserve more than crumbs. Maybe even a partnership and friendship. These relationships are a cruel trap....in the name of love....like a Venus Fly trap- we fall into them....and they can destroy almost every aspect of our lives.
Healing is a journey. You may have PTSD...but things can change. Outside of their cruel reality....there is laughter, fun, trust....and best of all PEACE. A woman I met, divorced from a similar type man, after 40 years told our group. " I wake up in peace, and I go to sleep in peace." We were all amazed....but that is not possible when they are IN our lives.
He has shown you- by his actions WHO HE IS. Don't believe the promises...or the words...believe his actions. List them. This is the true man.
He will try to pull you back in- esp if you don't respond. It's what they do. But your gut feeling that something is wrong and that you deserve to be love and valued is 100% true. 🙂
Love, hugs and blessings to you friend.
You've put this into words that can only come from that place of being there, April. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. It all helps.
Greetings,
I wish you inner happiness and peace of mind.
Thank you, Sharri.
They way he lives is not wrong, it is different.
When a man is on another path, you are not here in this world to judge.
But you can choose to look at it and be a women of truthh, and say "not my path". And walk away!
This is a big lesson i have learned. It is hard, because your
Desire for a man is big. But be real!
Breathe and walk away.
So true, Maris. Thank you. And yet, as you say, it is never easy because it's never what we wanted to have to do.
Dear Madeleine, I was in a relationship with a gambler too. Same story, whenever I broke it off he would beg me and put the world on my feet... I relented so many times... When after 4 years I finally had enough of helping his life and making his world better for him (travels, cooking, his paperworks, urging him to up skill and train, gifting to him, etc) while all he ever did behind my back was gamble and flirt,.. He lied to me a lot and I pretended I didn't see it... But enough was enough, I got strong enough to let him go and and had to involve the cops for a restraining order... The real monster in him came out... He slandered me to everyone who cared to listen, and tried to sue me for half of my house ... He is full of hate and anger and bitterness and all that he wants to this day is for me to be destroyed... All because I broke up with him... Jane is right. Let it go. Let him hate. You cannot change that... But this is now your time to be yourself again. Find the joy and love inside you. Realize that you are now free from that liar, gambler, angry man... His life is the dark. You are now in the light. Take care of you.
Thank you so much for sharing your own story, Grace. Wow, how you've been there. So glad you've found your way back to the beautiful light of you.