There's nothing quite like seeing the guy who just broke your heart out with someone else.
It doesn't seem to matter how much time has passed; if you haven't moved on and he has, there's nothing that stalls your progress as quickly as that sight. Seeing him with someone else, in that place where you were supposed to be. It makes you experience that heartbreak all over again.
"It was supposed to be me", you think to yourself.
How does it happen? You want to know. Why her – and not me?
I, too, spent far too many hours of my life trying to find the answers to both of those questions. Because, after all, if we know the answer to that, then we feel like we finally have some control over our lives.
After all, we've all heard the all-too familiar story of the rare guy who's been in his fair share of long-term relationships, but never found a reason to commit – until suddenly, we get the news through a friend that he's found the "right" woman for him and his previous aversion to commitment has suddenly gone away.
You wanted this with him. Why couldn't this be happening to you?
Why weren't you enough for him?
These are the questions that play on our minds, giving us one more reason to doubt ourselves and believe yet again, that we're missing whatever it is "she" has that we don't.
"What's wrong with me?" we ask ourselves.
Yes, there's a reason he may commit to someone else instead of you.
The simplest answer? It's because she's not you.
But there's more to it than that. She's not you because she's either got her own commitment issues or she's genuinely not interested in anything more than a very independent kind of relationship where they both lead two different lives.
Whatever reason he may give for why she's got it and you don't if you were to ask him, the only reason is because he has enough space. This is the only reason why it works!
So yes, if you can genuinely give him that kind of space, he might commit. And I say genuine because you can't fake it if you can't live like this, if this isn't how you really want to live. It won't work that way - it has to be real.
But do you really even want to live like that?
Because what you don't see behind the Facebook pictures that show the two of them happily together, is the emotional side of their relationship that isn't there. He's free to do his thing and she's free to do hers, but there's a lack of real intimacy between them that makes him feel safe, and her, too.
They don't have to reveal too much beyond the surface part of who they are. Nothing ever gets too deep, too personal, too beyond the comfort level for both of them because it's not what either of them want.
She doesn't nag. She doesn't ask. She doesn't complain.
He doesn't have to look within.
It works because they're two people on the same page and this type of emotionally bereft relationship works for both of them. They both get their own needs met within their own separate lives so that neither one of them runs the risk of losing themselves in the relationship. For the emotionally unavailable man who doesn't want a real commitment, it's the perfect setup.
Why can't I be like that? It sounds perfect, doesn't it? From where you are, feeling all alone, it makes you wonder why you can't just be that woman. Oh you can be. But if you're not, it won't be sustainable.
Because you're you.
What makes him commit?
A woman who gives him enough space as he needs to be himself and not have to feel pressured into giving more. In a word? Space.
Yes. If he gets lonely enough, if he decides to do the work to do something about it, if he meets someone who has enough of her own life going on that he doesn't have to worry about losing himself in her. If she doesn't need anything more than he's comfortable giving her.
But is this you?
There's a reason these noncommittal types end up falling for someone other than us. It's because we weren't on the same page as they were – and they knew it. If we're honest with ourselves, we knew it, too. We sensed it, we felt it, it's why we're up all night Googling everything we can on the Internet to try to find some shred of hope to hold onto to give us a reason to believe it's not true. But it was and it is. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool both of you. One of you is going to eventually see it for what it is.
Two people on two different pages. Different needs, different requirements, different fantasies, different types of relationships you're looking for. He's not. You are. But there's nothing wrong with you! Just because he found what he was looking for doesn't negate who you are! It's why you've got to stop fighting what can't be because when you're with the one who is on your page, you're going to see this so clearly for yourself.
You can never be happy for long pretending that you can live with who he is and what he wants if you don't want that life for yourself.
You can never be happy for long trying to go along with the pace he's set for your relationship if you want so much more than that.
You have every right to! But don't put that on him. Take it back on yourself and find a way to get your own needs met outside of him. That's how this begins to change. By you looking to yourself, to your own beautiful life instead of him. Maybe one day you'll be the one he's looking for. But I have a feeling by then, you'll be so completely and utterly off of him, that the only attraction he'll hold is of some old fantasy of what could have been.
Do you see that? More fantasy. Come back to reality, Beautiful.
It's where you belong.
Have you ever been through this kind of heartbreak? Are you going through it right now? You're not alone! Share your story with us in the comments.
The story could’ve been written about me to a T. I met him 18 years ago. We dated and there was definite chemistry. He admitted he had feelings, but he ran. Exasperated, I turned away and met my future husband.
Fast-forward 17 years, it was a mistake that I ever married him. After a year of therapy, I realized I was using him to get away from the first man. Once I split with my husband, I reached out to the first man, and we began a friends with benefits relationship, which has been off and on for the last year. Largely due to his commitment issues which had obviously never been resolved.
I recently found out on social media that he’s been seeing someone serious. He never told me. It crushed me to see the pictures of them together. All I kept thinking was, that should have been me! I gave him all the space he needed. Apparently, I gave him too much space because it gave him the time to find someone else. However, he still calls and texts me as a friend…and it hurts. Apparently, he doesn’t wanna lose either one of us. I guess I was his comfort food while he was looking for caviar.
I never needed to read anything as much as I needed to read this…
It was so freaking obvious and staring me in the face.
He needs space, and since I’m anxious, space makes me insane. She is likely very caught up in her own life with her kids and so he has all the freedom and space he needs.
The problem is he absolutely annihilated my heart, but he always maintained we were friends and wants to continue to be friends. He doesn’t want me to be “fake” happy, and he cannot tolerate my heartbroken emotions… so how do I maintain a friendship with Jim when I will constantly hate this new women, even though I want him to be happy. It’s the worst dilemma I’ve ever faced…
You don't want him to be happy WITHOUT YOU! Start there, by being honest with yourself. We're never going to be the martyrs we think we are. So much begins to change when we acknowledge this.
Jane, I don't now if you'd get the chance to read this but I need advice on my situation. Your post was so helpful. You're very right, we're just not on the same page.
I was seeing this man on and off for about 2 years and he basically took my virginity and for obvious reasons I was attached to him. I always felt like he was pocketing our relationship. I knew that he was very attracted to me sexually. We had first met to be friends and I innitiated the first move and it just turned into a hook up thing during quarantine.
I know I was not delusional because he was showing me signs that he had feelings for me. Now that I look back at it, I made mistakes during segs by saying words like "i love you" and he definetly said nothingggg each time. (how embarassing) I do not know how I didn't take that as a hint.
Long story short, I felt like he was pocketing the relationship, I brought that problem up and he said that he just didn't find the right time, he once introduced me to a bunch of his girlfriends who he invited over to the house, it was fun but he never really introduced me as his GF, just said my name and they were tryning to get to know me. Ok... I did hang out with his friends a few times but he made me look like a girl that he was just screwing. because his guy friends brought their girls over and introduced them as their girl. I would find weird things like lashes in his room which lead me to believe he was seeing girls at that time but he tried to gaslight me and make me believe those lashes were mine.
I tried to break up with him but he would try to win me over with texts and obviously I loved him so a little fight would make me take him back. This one time we took a huge break and I moved back in the city and he contacted me. He said that he made mistakes in the past and that I was a healthy and mature person and that he was the toxic one. He said that I made him feel too secure in the realtionship, like he looked at me and he knew I was not seeing other men. He wanted someone to keep him on his toes and that now he noticies his toxic behaviour and that he wants to change bla.. blah.. bla.. that I was the one bc he dated alot of girls after me and nobody was me bla..blaa..bla..
Fast forward 1-2 months later I decided to take him seriously. He would plan dates and reschedule. Then this one time he took me to the date, wanted to pay but did not have a card so he sent his money to my bank and paid with my card, without asking me he tipped with my card also. I thought that was sooo rude. That was the first red flag
Second time we went on a date he didnt even make it. He kept "forgetting" saying he had ADHD and would seriously really really appologize the next day it would just confuse me.... He flaked on me again after that and said that he was hospitalized. He did have evidence but I just felt liekt his man was SOO problamatic. Third time I got really angry and I was like F this man I will just use him for a selfcare day. I made him agree to a pedicure date, and when we got to the counter, tell me why this man paid for himself only and kept quiet. I thought we were finsihed and while I was walking out the door the woman called me and asked me to pay. He was just standing there looking at me.
Idk.......... do you see all his problems? I was very disapointed and instead that we just become friends and leave our sexual realtionship bc that was what was making me emotionally connect to him but he would beg me not to. He would try to be friends with me and then he would try to win me over which made me think that it was bc he liked me and he wanted to try again.
The last straw was when I called him to meet me at a coffee shop, I think it was kinda obvious that we were gonna break up. I wanted to sit down and talk to him about all of this but his response was "I'm not coming to the coffee shop, if you want to talk to me you can talk to me on the phone". He has never talked to me like that before. The last few weeks of our relationship was very bitter, but I knew that this just showed me how he viewed me.
About 4 months after that, he took it to his social media to announce "it's been half a year with the love of his life" and posted another girl who was also Ethiopian. This man has a habesha fetish. But this all caugth me by surprise... Why didn't he let go of me way then? What does she have that I don't? obviously she gave him more space. I required proper commitmen. You can't just flake. you can't be retweeting p*rn. there was a few off putting things he would do.
Can you help me understand what I was to him?
Thank you for this - it has given some relief knowing I’m not insane for feeling so broken and confused 4 months after my break up . I was seeing a man for 2years who always told me he cared about me even at times loved me but due to our “long distance” and his non readiness he couldn’t fully commit to a label right now . After 2yrs of off and on - I finally decided to walk away because i was so deeply in love with this man and i really wanted to put a label on it and needed more effort from him and towards the last year of our dating i had ended things prior because he would be so hot and cold and I just felt like EVERYTIME things were going great he sabotaged our relationship . My gut always told me he was unsure of our age difference & hated the stares we got even tho we were both successful career driven people. He never admitted it but I could tell he went the extra mile to not give me any extravagant gifts as he felt people assumed I was there for his money because of that age gap difference stigma- WHICH WAS NOT the case. God knows - I truly was madly in love with this man. Mind you - This man was 24yrs my senior and I’m in mid 30s - so I stuck by him because we were always in constant daily communication ( we had the same sense of humor ) and had a lot of fun staycations, dates, and had many memories and he truly made me feel like I was someone he cared about but he just wasn’t ready since he had just gotten freshly divorced when we initially began dating. The heartbreaking part is that now 4 months after me ending things with him BECAUSE he didn’t want a serious relationship he now is according to social media posts he now is sharing he has a GF & here’s the kicker - she’s also not in his area! Reasonably I couldn’t believe it ?!!!- he’s now in another WAY further long distance relationship but with this woman he’s putting IT out there calling her his GF?! Like why with her and not me and yet he still is texting me. He casually sends memes at least once a week and I have responded not knowing for the last month he had gf up until today! I was here thinking okay maybe he misses me - but clearly not. I don’t understand his need to text me at all even it’s just a meme!! I’m devastated but i know God has a plan for me and now will try my best to simply not ever respond because I don’t understand why he still wants to text me if he’s in a new relationship?! This has to be the most haunting nightmare I’ve ever lived through.
One of the hardest things to go through when you discover the truth like this. Ouch! And yet, this says so much more about him and how disconnected he is from his emotions. Doesn't make it any easier but he is doing what works for him first and not thinking at all about you. Be so clear - she is not you so don't compare yourself to her. Someone else is someone for you!
I was married for 18 years to a man who ended up cheating on me with a woman 15 years younger. They moved in together and then she left 1 year later. She left for the same reasons that caused our marriage fail. Today they live apart and he bends over backwards to be with her whenever he can. I always wonder why he would never give to me the way he gives to her. Why wasn't I enough. Why wouldn't he try for me. How do I let go of these frustrating feelings and of him. I do want to move on. And close this chapter of my life.
Because he wasn't capable of trying for you, Nadine. I know how hard this is to comprehend but the fantasy we hold in our heads and the reality of the man in front of you are two very different things. It isn't about your worthiness to be fought for. It's about his own strength as a man.
I haven’t seen him in 6 months. During this time I’m constantly googling for similar situations, but this is finally it! I don’t feel like I’m crazy. He did lead me on, and that brings me comfort to know that so many people have gone through the almost exact situation as me. He put me on a pedestal, and as soon as I wanted commitment, he pulled away. He never broke up with me, but kept saying we’re definitely gonna see each other again, that he wouldn’t be with anyone else but me… but would never agree to meet me again. He said he just needed time to figure himself out, and that he wasn’t looking for anyone. But this whole time he’s on dating apps. 6 months since I last saw him and it still hurts me like day one. I just can’t let go… but this article gave me a lot to think about and maybe change the way I think about what happened. Thank you!
I met a boy and usually I am not the type that will devote myself to someone else this has nothing to do with loyalty or maturity I just like my own space. We went on dates hung out all the time I even met his parents, and I told mine about him I only let important people meet my parents. I really thought it was going somewhere I genuinely thought I'd found my person. I was wrong, living in the fairy tale I was in I asked him what we was because I was confused and I was genuinely beginning to love him, actually I did love the idea of him I had created. After I questioned what was going on, he pulled away and said he enjoyed only the intimacy and wasn't looking for a relationship. I then pulled away because I knew I wanted more than he could give me, only to find out he got back with his ex girlfriend. Shortly after that ended he got in touch with me to ask for some items of clothing back this was after him and said ex girlfriend broke up . After he got them back I ended up deleting him from all my social media, until one day I got curious. I had a sneak peak just to find out he now has a brand new girlfriend, I was reading this article crying about why it couldn't have been me why I will never be good enough. I realise during the time we were seeing each other I didn't just create a personae of him, I created one of myself because I just wanted him so much . I thought I was fully myself at that time because I was confident around him but only now am I realising I fabricated so much of my personality because I wanted to be the perfect girl when there is no such thing. Now it is much harder for me to get close to anyone I feel more of a guard up than ever before. I can't put into words how much he acted like he wanted me then when I asked he just didn't. Maybe this is exactly why I resonate with this article because he wants her because she is simply not me. And that's okay.
Your story resonates so much with mine. I met this guys last July. We clicked instantly. He said I was perfect for him, that everything was perfect, that eventually he wanted me to meet his family, all his friends, blah blah blah. I told him I was falling in love. I thought he was the one. And just like that he started pulling away. He never broke up with me, but never wanted to see me again. But still, he said he just needed time to figure himself out. Then I looked in on Bumble and there he was. I haven’t seen him in 6 months. The other day I saw he was still on bumble. It crushed me, again. I’ve been married before, had another 3 year relationship, but no break up has been this hard. I cry constantly, I can’t sleep well anymore, im always sad and depressed, I just can’t get over him. I hope both can let go and realize it wasn’t us but then, just like this article said.
I met this girl 4 years ago and back then I was crushing on her. And I almost pushed her to have a relationship but she didn't want to commit. The end result was I showed up needy and insecure and she pulled away. This went on as a cycle and she pulled away 5-6 times. It was on and off dating and finally she decided to end things so I moved on. Till then we had broken up like 5 times, time to time because she wasn't consistent and went back and forth
After two years she wanted a committed relationship. She said she's no longer into hookups and looking for a serious relationship. And she said she wants to have a relationship. We went out a few times but I had my fears she could leave me anytime. So I told her I can't trust her feelings and that we need to take things slow.
Her reply was if I can't trust her feelings she doesn't feel safe around me and things are not getting serious between us so we need to break up, And for the 6th time, she left again.
However, after 2 months in 2020 she met this new guy. Within the last 4 years she had flings with over 6-7 guys but she somehow actually loved this guy. She even introduced him to her close friends and went on trips together. She usually never introduces her guys to her friends but they had a good connection.
In September she started texting me. While dating him she texted me every day and told me every little thing about her day and even though she didn't flirt with me she wanted my attention. Once I asked about the relationship and she said he’s almost like her boyfriend BUT ITS COMPLICATED AND ITS NOT A RELATIONSHIP PE SE
After almost 10 months she broke up with him. She dumped him because 'Even though she liked him very much he couldn't commit. She said he had trauma from past relationships so she said she had to dump him and make her mind'
However, she moved on without shedding a tear and she came to me again. And then she wanted to go out with me. We got close, we went on a date in last month and after the date after a couple of days, she said she's quite hung up on him so she lost the spark with me and she wants to go back to him. And she asked me if I could wait or stay as friends until she figure things out with him. I said no and left
That's the right response, Ethan. You've seen enough of a pattern here to be confident this isn't going to change. She can play these games with someone else but you get to decide if she plays these games with you!
work on being distant to get such a guy? sounds like he is essentially trash. you don't need him. forget it.
I was ‘with’ him for 9 months. I fell so hard probably too quick. He had all the space in the world because I know I need my space too. We only saw each other 3/4 times a week with was the perfect mix for us. We went on the best dates, were insanely connected on an intimate level, we bent over backwards for each other, our conversation we’re just perfect almost too good to be true… But he never committed. We never put labels on it because he didn’t want to. He told me everyday you are going to be my wife, told me our relationship is everything he wants and needs. But he would never push us to that next step no matter how much his friend and I talked about it. In February I finally asked him if we would ever go any further and than friends with benefits and he told me yes and then agin nothing happened but over time i started to pull away. I’m 24 years old I have my career, house, and life ready. I want to settle down and start a family. We have now not talked for two months and I feel like i’m going crazy but I’ve kept thinking of him so randomly so I finally decided to check his social media and he was a new girlfriend that he’s posting everywhere. Like why could you do that with me? It was supposed to be me. How do I ever get my closure to move on?
I’m so sorry. I know I’m late, but this is just happened to me too. Feel free to chat with me over email. Juliamelop@Gmail.com
I definitely needed this article it's precise on the last person I dated. He was not looking for a relationship of any type. He seemed to get annoyed if I texted him. So told him I don't need that kind of misleading in my life and told him to delete my number. One month later he is in an officially committed relationship with someone else. What a facade.....
Thank you for this - it has given some relief knowing I’m not insane for feeling so broken and confused 4 months after my break up . I was seeing a man for 2years who always told me he cared about me even at times loved me but due to our “long distance” and his non readiness he couldn’t fully commit to a label right now . After 2yrs of off and on - I finally decided to walk away because i was so deeply in love with this man and i really wanted to put a label on it and needed more effort from him and towards the last year of our dating i had ended things prior because he would be so hot and cold and I just felt like EVERYTIME things were going great he sabotaged our relationship . My gut always told me he was unsure of our age difference & hated the stares we got even tho we were both successful career driven people. He never admitted it but I could tell he went the extra mile to not give me any extravagant gifts as he felt people assumed I was there for his money because of that age age difference stigma- WHICH WAS NOT the case. God knows - I truly was madly in love with this man. Mind you - This man was 24yrs my senior and I’m in mid 30s - so I stuck by him because we were always in constant daily communication ( we had the same sense of humor ) and had a lot of fun staycations, dates, and had many memories and he truly made me feel like I was someone he cared about but he just wasn’t ready since he had just gotten freshly divorced when we initially began dating. The heartbreaking part is that now 4 months after me ending things with him BECAUSE he didn’t want a serious relationship he now is according to social media posts he now is sharing he has a GF & here’s the kicker - she’s also not in his area! Reasonably I couldn’t believe it ?!!!- he’s now in another WAY further long distance relationship but with this woman he’s putting IT out there calling her his GF?! Like why with her and not me and yet he still is texting me. He casually sends memes at least once a week and I have responded not knowing for the last month he had gf up until today! I was here thinking okay maybe he misses me - but clearly not. I don’t understand his need to text me at all even it’s just a meme!! I’m devastated but i know God has a plan for me and now will try my best to simply not ever respond because I don’t understand why he still wants to text me if he’s in a new relationship?! This has to be the most haunting nightmare I’ve ever lived through.
Thank you for this post. I’ll probably read it everytime I get into my feelings about why he chose someone else over me.
But I deserve way better than him. He got into a relationship and continued running behind me. I’m the one that got away. I hate to bring ego into this but I really wanted to get on the same page with this guy but we never quite made it. I’m feeling better as I type and working through this complicated situation. What an experience him and I shared, I loved every moment even the things I didn’t understand. It was so passionate. I knew I wasn’t the only one, he wasn’t the only one either. Him and I both were going through tough times in our lives when we came together. We were very open and honest with one another in our own way. I wanted to give some final words about the whole thing but I’ve said enough. I felt him and I know he felt me but it wasn’t meant to be. I learned a lot from this situation and have found my own ways to fulfill my own cup 💜
Yes. And the hardest is choosing you and letting go when you know there was love there. But if someone isn’t choosing you, they’re not choosing you. I have to always choose me no matter what.
I met someone- timing wasn’t the best. While he apparently had no intent on going back with his ex he did, but not before dating me briefly and then us choosing a friendship. The friendship was intimate- emotionally. He said a few things to me like- I’m really scared, and told me there was too much intimacy for him to handle. It was quick, short lived. But a lot. I think about him often.
He’s with his ex. They seem happy. I hope they are. But I don’t think they connect like we did, I don’t think they talk like we did. I’m trying to own this and recognize that if that’s the level and depth I want I have to be comfortable with intimacy too- because I’ve been like him and walked away from things that felt too intense too. It’s always a mirror. Thanks for the article.
They probably don't connect like you and him did, but he's going back to what's familiar to him because he fears the unknown...
Dated someone for 6 months. Everything seems to be going well. Then one night she texted me that she doesnt feel the same way as i did and when i wanted to talk about it, she never responded, then the next day texted "i hope you have a wonderful day". I was so upset that i never talked to her for a few weeks then i finally texted and said how i felt, that i was upset. She never responded then after a few months we started texting. She asked if we can be friends and then dropped the bomb. She started seeing her 8th grade friend. She wants me still in her life because she will be happier if i was her friend and have feelings for me more than friends. I about lost it. So now we quit talking and she finally changed her fb status as in a relationship.
Met a man, who I could feel we have chemistry and as I got to know him more found out we are very compatible in other ways. He showed romantic interest at first, than all the sudden he told me he just wanted to be friends. When I asked him what changed his mind about us, he told me he wasn't ready to commit that his past relationships had left a sour note to the thought of that right now. He led on emotional though the whole time that he had deep emotion love for me . A year later the bomb dropped and told me he found someone who he was reuniting an old flame, be this turns out to be one of the women who hurt him he wants to be back with. He had also been a little sneaky about her. I don't get it and I'm emotional ly wore out from the rollercoaster ride. I'm not sure I want to even stay friends with after this shit!
And he'll run if she wants more from him, too, Deborah. This isn't about you; it's about an excuse!
Exactly!
This is so true happened to me. 3year complicated thing and he was very into me at times and jealous but admitted he never wanted to be ‘tied down’. He told me he cared about me so much and that he didn’t want me seeing anyone else, that I was the only one he wanted then other times he would say things like ‘ i don’t deserve you’ and ‘I’ll never take it there with you I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness if someone better comes along’. I realized these things he was saying were super contradictory and I couldn’t get over the mixed signals and it fucked my head up badly. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt even though I knew it was destined to go up in flames. He had a traumatic childhood and abandonment issues so I felt bad enough for him to stick around or think he would eventually do the right thing and commit fully. It doesn’t matter how long you sleep with this person or how deep of an emotional connection you have, if they tell you they don’t want to be in a relationship it means not with you. He fed me a million excuses and would hold my hand, we went on tons of dates, went out and met eachother’s friends, even said he would meet my family. I met his mom and friends we knew everything about eachother. He was there for me when I needed him and vice versa. We could even just cuddle all night and sleep in eachothers arms it wasn’t just about the sex. But he left me. He said we should take a ‘break’ for summer because he was going upstate for work and might be gone a while but then ended up saying he might not be back in the fall. He told me I shouldn’t wait for him. I loved him so I moved on but my heart was always with him. He ended up commiting to some girl from highschool after 2wks. All I heard from him last was ‘I have a gf’ then radio-silence. he blocked me on everything. No sorry, I am an asshole. No sorry I manipulated you for so long. nothing. The worst part is he commited to her days after seeing me and being intimate. he said it wasn’t goodbye and that he obviously wanted to keep seeing eachother, that he would miss me. we’re in bed and a txt from a girl comes up. I ask him who it was later that day and he says just a friend, that they never dated and just used to talk years ago. That would have been the time for him to tell me he’s going back to her but instead he lied and tried to keep me as a backup plan. I found out weeks later and was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that anyone would manipulate someone like that. His gf said something bizarre and even said she wouldn’t be suprised if he came back to me. I wouldn’t doubt it but I told him to go fuck himself and never contact me again. I’m sure he will come up w some excuse and story but again will try to setup the same non-commital relationship. I would never ever talk to him or take him back unless he regretted what he did and told me he was serious about us. There’s a slim chance of that. So run if you’re ever in a situation like this even though it’s so hard to get out of and I tried to cut it off many, many times as I knew it was toxic and unfair. I don’t regret it at all bc he taught me how to love and a lot about myself and men. I now have standards and will never, ever be in a no strings attached mess ever again. It was a rollercoaster I couldn’t get off of because it was either amazing or really bad. I needed something like this to happen to finally get away from him.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
I was dumped, told he wanted to move on” after our 5 year relationship with no progress forwards. It’s so hard to leave when you’re in the situation. I feel I was kept as a temporary gf. One year later he still texts me even though I never respond, can only guess whatever plans he had for himself have failed. I believe these selfish people drop out when they no longer need validation from us, or get it elsewhere. I would warn all women to hold the standards early on and walk early if it looks too “unsure”.
Wow, this is exactly my situation right now - it’s the worst feeling when you can be there giving everything and so much passion and intimacy but then they move on to another girl just like that who they want to commit to . Leaves you heartbroken- then later on when something is missing from the new they come try talking again. It’s horrible
I was seeing a guy for 3 years, him and I hung out all the time, we both were into one another and we would spend so much time together, he would tell me however he wasn’t interested in commitment quite yet. So I waited, I even lost my virginity to him a year later, still he never wanted to label our relationship. He’d tell people we were friends but he treated me as his girlfriend and we would have sex, but there was a lot of the time he would go quite and I wouldn’t hear from him unless I texted him first, it would go from hanging out together all the time to all of a sudden he had excuses as to why he didn’t want to hang out with me. He would get frustrated if I asked if I did something or why he didn’t want to talk to me or hang out with me as much as we did. But then all of a sudden he’d want me around again and would text me everyday. This happened a lot, this past November he even said he couldn’t let me go because he loved me. Then December came and he started pushing me away again, I was honest with him that when he did this it made me fear I was going to lose him because of past relationships I have been in, I was afraid to try to talk to him because he’d get mad so I asked advice to a friend. When this friend and I had a misunderstanding and she no longer wanted to speak to me she went to him and told him everything I had said. He ended it the week before Christmas and a month later he had some new woman move in with him, just today I saw his new profile picture with her, everyone was commenting what a cute couple they were, when him and I were seeing one another I couldn’t even tag or post pictures of us together on my Facebook without him getting mad, he had said he also didn’t want to explain to everyone what we were, yet with her he’s only known for 5 months (so I hear) and she lives with him and also is all over his Facebook. It hurts and has me very confused and angry!
He never wanted to label our relationship yet he does with her.
When I had met his sister a year ago she had told me to be careful with her brother because he was the friends with benefits type, I have come to realize that’s what it was to him friends with benefits, but he would say he just wasn’t ready yet so I felt someday he would be. Now I see all this!
If he was never sure about me then why would he even have me around for 3 years?! He knew I loved him and he told me he loved me but after my friend told him what I was saying he said he couldn’t forgive me and never wanted to see me again.
I tried to explain why I was venting and tried to tell him I didn’t want to frustrate him by asking him, I also had told him I was sorry and it wasn’t my intention to betray or make him angry like he felt.
I don’t know what to think on this? and I’m heartbroken!
You can't be afraid to talk to your guy, Candace. That's just one thing that's not right here. This is so familiar and so heartbreaking but he wasn't your guy, he couldn't have been or he would have been! Don't take this on you!
Let the loser go. He sounds awful. Do not worry at all if he didn’t like anything you said. I have been through similar, although my ex doesn’t have FB and I haven’t heard anything new. Believe me, these people are bad news. I still feel hurt like you, but I feel it is so important to get out, meet new people and drop the contact. I believe in a lot of these cases, these guys will only cause trouble for the new women they date.
New people will provide new experiences. And after lessons learnt we have to make sure we identify these guys quickly, so nothing is started with them
Thank you for your true words and wisdom, Jane. You are a blessing! This has resonated with me with everything I have experienced with my Mr. Unavailable. I am new to this thread and wanted to share my story as its heartbreaking to see so many of us dealing with these situations. I met my Mr. Unavailable 2 years ago, a dedicated 42 year old divorced father with 2 kids. Like many of our stories, it started off fast (love bombing), which even at that time I felt something was off in my gut, but I went with it even though my judgement was clouded. I noticed our conversations would only stay surface level (red flag). Also, when I asked about previous relationships he would play victim and place blame, calling others he dated "tripolar" and "crazy" (red flag), he talked incessantly about his ex wife, good and bad (yet, another red flag) but all the while, he played on my empathy and sympathy and I'm not proud to say it worked, I felt maybe in some way I could help him, but then started realizing it's not my job to try to save anyone. He told me at one point he was "messed up" and had no self esteem or confidence, so again I was trying to be his number 1 cheerleader but at the same time, I was having these "aha moments" and "revelations" with my own growth and transformation that this situation was causing me more harm than good. I was stuck on what I had built up in my mind of him. I was stuck on "his potential" and the way it was when we first started "dating." He would tell me he didn't have the time for a committed relationship with me or anyone and "this is story of his life since his divorce," (this should've have been code red for me to abort mission and move on.) He told me on many occasions that he wasn't that "type of guy" to just "hook up" and that he didn't want me to think he was (again, when a man is trying to tell you what to think or feel about him this is a huge red flag) as his actions should always match his words. He said his kids and work was his priority and that he didn't have the time for a relationship. I had to bring this conversation to the surface though after 3 weeks of him ghosting me. I did try walking away at that time, however, he then would add the words, but "by no means is this the end of things with us", so here again I chose to stick around. His hot/cold and inconsistent behavior really intensified, I was the one that kept over giving and trying to make an effort. It seemed only when he could gain something (ego stroke, hook up, money) from me is when he would blow very hot and reel me back in and it was always when it was convenient for him and his schedule. I still stayed around, as I now know that was due to the investment that I had put in and I had that attachment and my ego didn't want to lose that investment, when I know now that I should have folded my hand then and walked away. I slowly did start to as my body felt "off" when I was around him and his narcissistic and selfish behavior was a total turn off in every way, its not what I wanted to be around or associate with at all and I was really starting to set my boundaries with all of it as I know what my standards are and this wasn't going to work for me. The only conversations we ever had other than in person were through text (again red flag). In October, we were texting and he said he was trying to be a better person and he felt he'd "rather" have me as a "close friend." The word "rather" struck me as odd, as if to say I didn't have a say in anything and it bothered me, he was as he had been trying to control and be the one to maintain status quo of "our relationship." (red flag once again). One thing to remember about these men, they won't commit to you, but they also won't commit to being without you, unless you go no contact, which is the only way and they will try to play the "friend card".....don't buy it! I told him hesitantly, that I agreed to a friendship, but I needed to process my feelings as I couldn't just turn them on and off and he said he was working through that too, and as soon as I started walking away to work on me, he then started the hot behavior again and wanted to "get with me" again, of course I declined. He had told me he's never had a "committed relationship" since his divorce a few years ago, he's only "dated" "crazy women" that would only last a few months (about 3 months or what I call the 90 day expiration date with these men) and never introduced his kids to any one that he's been involved with as he said again he "doesn't have the time for me or anyone" to commit. I did respect that and understood the demands of his schedule, as I don't have children, but ultimately as I was growing I knew his lack of emotional availability would never be enough for me, but a small part of me thought we may be able to maintain a friendship but I still was having doubts if I even wanted him in any part of my life, but he pleaded that he didn't want to lose me. Now enter social media, the day before Christmas eve he updated his profile picture of him snuggling up to his new woman (less than 2 months after he still wanted to get with me). He didn't even have the decency to tell me and I had to find out through FB. These men will not hold themselves accountable, have no values , will not take responsibility for themselves and will gas light you and try to make you feel bad for having standards and boundaries......my motto now is.... not ok, walk away. I called him out on all of this behavior, but in the most graceful manner that I could. I was shocked, I didn't feel jealously, all I felt was pity for her and in some strange way, relief. It was like that toxicity was leaving me and I knew at that moment that my body was telling me this all along, that this man was not someone for me or that I even wanted in my life at all and that I had dodged a bullet. That's not to say that I wasn't hurt, I was, as I did text him and tell him that I expect honesty and transparency in all my relationships and that I wouldn't tolerate anything less than I deserve with any relationship. His response was completely narcissistic, saying "he's sorry I felt that way" and that "he prob could have handled things better." I told him he was emotionally unavailable and narcissistic and that I want nothing to do with him, he went on to say that he wasn't looking for someone else and didn't want a relationship with anyone and that this woman was someone he grew up with, she has 3 kids of her own and that it "just clicked." I replied that it wasn't even about that really, the fact that he couldn't tell me about it all spoke volumes about his character or lack there of and that I was done and moving on as I had been and we would not be in contact ever again. It's truly sad that these men lack growth and self reflection, that's not my problem though and I have learned that and I did tell him that, I also took responsibility for my role in this and told him I should have walked away a long time ago. He of course took no responsibility for any of this, painted himself as the good guy, the main reason I reached out was to tell him that we were not friends and that he could keep the book I loaned him, his response was he could mail it to me, I said don't bother, again the fact he couldn't even have the decency to talk to me about any of this just shows his true cowardly immature character. The red flags are there from the beginning; real true intimacy takes time, do not mistake the intensity for intimacy and see the situation for what it is not for what the potential could be with these men, take off the rose colored glasses and see it for reality and then ask yourself why am I still around as this does not serve me or my standards and is not what I want in a man or a relationship, no where near and walk away and do not believe everything you see on social media and don't think that he's just miraculously changed; profound change takes time. He may even tell you he's changed but that's not the truth, in my case he would't tell me even though I asked when he got into a relationship with her, he only said it didn't overlap and that again "he's not that kind of guy" but it doesn't matter, what matters is that he's still emotionally unavailable, selfish, narcissistic, controlling, victim playing and lacks empathy at his core, he's no different with her, as these men don't just magically transform overnight and not everything that glitters, especially on social media, is gold as its far from. We are worth so much more than this, she is not better than us and he has not changed no matter what we may see on social media or think up in our minds. Keep the focus on yourself and your transforming journey moving forward, continue your evolution and do not let this detour you from what you deserve which is so much more than this nonsense, as its nothing but a waste of your precious time and energy. Learn from it, grow from it, go no contact and move on. Thank you, Amanda xo
Thanks for sharing your story and these inspiring words you've learned from going through it, Amanda. I'm so glad my own words resonated so much with you. Sure, it's heartbreaking and painful and everything else it is, but there's something else all this is too - freeing. Don't lose sight of what we gain after we come to terms with what we've been so programmed to believe we've lost. Sending you love and light, my beautiful soul friend. There's a reason we find our path lined with people who feel us here! ❤
Thank you for sharing this. The same thing has just happened to me , I was dating a guy who came on strong and then was hot and cold for a few months. He ended up ghosting me and a couple of months later, I found out on Fb that he's with someone else who he seems to have committed to. It hurts, but he definitely wasn't the guy for me.
Wow Amanda you have legit just retold my story of exactly what I’m going through ❤️🔪
I'm going through this now. I'm embarrassed to say a YEAR with no commitment. Just sex when it was convenient, convos and hot and cold. Tonight he told me a story about another woman who sounded horrible that he stupidly committed to. Telling me this while I'm jumping through hoops to "earn" a relationship. Why am I not good enough? I'm sitting here feeling devastated
Don't make this about your worth, Julia. It isn't. This is about a man who can't live up to the standard you've set for him because of how he presented himself at some point in your relationship. He's only telling you that story because ironically, he's trying to prove his worth to you!
Wow, this hit me so hard "the standard you set for him because of how HE presented himself at some point". YES! I'm mind blown. I wondered to myself "Why did I have such high hopes. Why did I expect so much?" and as I read this I realised... He did mislead me...and yes, I did set a standard that he didn't meet based on how HE presented himself.
It hasn't made me entirely feel any better but in some way, it releases the shame I feel associated with feeling like an absolute psychotic moron. It made me realise that 'no - you know what? I am reasonable! I was fair, and I'm not crazy! He did this to me too'.
It's sad though. It's so sad that I feel so stuck when I can see how he played me. I feel so worthless even though, I know I'm not worthless. But what I know and how I feel are just so misaligned...everyday I don't make progress. I hope to, but I look back after 4 months and I ask myself "why am I still such a wreck? With everything I know logically. Why am I emotionally so devastated over this scumb bag?".
I just can't seem to figure myself out.
Exactly, Sam. He misled you! And no, you're not crazy, you did exactly what we do when we're taught to keep believing we can bring someone back like this. You're so emotionally devastated not because of anything that makes logical sense but because of who he represents at the deeply cellular level to you. Show yourself more of him. Go back over all the ways he hurt you and all the ways he played you. Is this a guy worthy of all that love in you? Is this a guy who's here for anything more than to get your misplaced shame off you? He's nothing without this impossible task you've given him. He's nothing without the power you continue to given him. Separate who he is from what you believe you can make him be and this all goes away. This is cellular level stuff that runs so deep so we don't move on until we've resolved enough to make sure we're never ever going back here again! ❤
I have been dating a guy for around 6 weeks, I at the start wasn’t as keen but he worked his magic and he reeled me in via nice texts , acting very keen and persistently asking to see me at least 2-3 times a week. By the time I had seen him around ten times he started acting distant and emotionally unavailable, he was never asking about my family or my son , only would talk about surface level stuff,
He really was stringing me along as everytime I would ask if he still liked me and wanted to still see me it was always yes! But by now it was me chasing him, me texting , I had become so anxious waiting for texts or a glimmer of hope he would ask to see me , until I thought I made a break through and he said he thinks he’s down and low in mood, I was like wow a break through I was nothing but supportive and said I’d be there for him, but he then said he wasn’t ready to date . I was gutted but accepted maybe he wasn’t ready due to how he was feeling, until I spoke to a friend and we were talking about dating and it turns out she had just been on a date with him last night ! I’m crushed he lied and was ready to date just not with me when I gave him everything , so much care and support,
I’m now questioning myself and why I’m not good enough it’s completely destroyed my self confidence
Oh Jo, it's NEVER a matter of you not being good enough! This isn't about you! It's our programming that says the more understanding and supportive we are, the more he'll want to be with us. But that's not the way these guys work. Always beware the guy who has to "work his magic" on you. If he has to work that hard to "reel you in", that's one of the most consistent red flags in so many stories like yours. Don't take his behavior on you! You're still the beautiful soul you've always been - now you know to trust yourself in the beginning. If he's working that hard, it's because he knows he has to!
Hi Jane, you are really helpful but I don’t understand what you mean by working hard being a red flag. Could you expand? Isn’t it a good thing?
No, Cilla, because if he has to work that hard to "reel you in", he's revealing that he knows he's not going to win you over just being who he is. That's the red flag. The question is why? What's he hiding? Why can't he just be himself with you? Why does he know that won't be enough? Sure, it may be he's just insecure, but most men who leave us heartbroken were "just insecure" underneath all the behaviors they showed to hide those insecurities. Let me know if that's still not clear. If there's a common denominator here to most of the women I work with through their heartbreak, it's this one. A guy she wasn't even interested in the first place, ends up being the guy she can't get over. Time and time again.
Hi jo im going through a similar situation. Met a guy who was in my opinion 'the one' . I was so caring and loving and supportive of him for 8 mths. In December he started getting distant and then in January blocked me from everything. I was ghosted . Turns out he is seeing someone else . I feel like a total fool for allowing myself to fall for him and now im totally devastated and heartbroken. Why wasnt i good enough to have what he has with her? Its an awful feeling to be rejected.
This is happening to me right now. I was with him for 5 years; loved him more than anything in the world. But he was SO distant and had no emotional connection with me at all. He would rarely call/text or initiate us meeting up and then we did, he would often act irritated by me speaking to him. He wouldn’t cuddle or hold hands. He’d constantly be out with friends/family without me. He wouldn’t cuddle after sex, he’d always just leave the room. He forgot my birthday on more than one year. I never ever felt like an important part of his life. In the end, I flipped and called things off because I couldn’t cope anymore. I gave myself 3 weeks space before deciding that actually, I really loved this guy and I had made a mistake. I went over to his place to chat; but he told me he had already met someone at work. How does somebody who shows no effort to commit/work get dumped and then manage to find someone new so quickly? It’s 8 weeks later and I’m still heartbroken.
I can’t believe you’d be in a relationship with someone who didn’t meet your needs for so long! Why? Don’t you think you deserve better? He obviously never planned to commit to you. Yet you still where there for him, on his terms only. Very convenient and no need to make an effort. Why would he make an effort though when you stuck around no matter what? You are better than that. Forget his sorry ass and find someone who will respect you rather than use you.
I broke up with my lying cheating boyfriend only last night....yes...its true...the only way to make a relationship work with these people is to....ask for nothing! ... the only person who can live like that is actually someone who doesnt have a life...doesnt have any feelings , needs or desires...I tried for 12 months to push mine aside ...as even to ask for a phone call created an arguement ....
The final straw ..he said hed call me last night...I start a new job today...he didnt call ...because he was video calling someone else!,....at 11 PM last night! ..
These types of relationships are nothing short of abusive....and as soon as his new woman has any feelings,desire, needs....he ll be cheating on her...
This came at the perfect time. Yes he felt it like I did, it was a connection like none other. But his life is constant travel and work and I wanted a home life. He met someone else after me and committed to her not me. But what is their life? She’s in another state and travels as much as him and same career. Like this article says there’s no real room for closeness there. Still hurts I won’t lie, but I have to remember their setup right now wouldn’t have worked for me anyway.
Well, one of my “worst” nightmares, but yet best thing to ever happen, actually happened. I saw “him” out with another woman the other night.
Here’s a brief history lesson...
I met him 3 years ago. It was the typical situation where he never wanted to commit and/or pursue anything more than just sex, in a nutshell. Although he never admitted to that and always denied it, saying he me he has something holding him back, he has issues he needs to work on, and that he needs to get his sh** together, that ultimately what it was. He was using me for sex. He was and still is still continuing to date other women this entire time. I know he got kind of serious with one in particular 2 years ago. He chose her. They did things I yearned to do with him...she met his family...she had his weekends, etc. I think it only lasted a few months, but it still got further than it ever did with me. I’m thinking he either got caught doing something or got spooked out and bailed. I’m unsure.
Despite that though with “her” and him dating various women, I still kept in contact throughout this time. I still wanted to be with him. I couldn’t let go. Finally last November of 2018, I decided to I had to stop and went SEVEN months of no contact! I thought I was golden...lol. This past June however, I cracked. I reached out to him and he pursued me HARD in return which was so surprising to me. He said all things to charm me and he acted like I’d never seen him act before. Just a FEW days later though, I saw it fade already (gee- that was probably the 167th RED flag I’d seen with this guy in the entire time I’ve known him...LOL). But despite that flag, I had sex with him! Then I texted him 2 weeks after that and he ended up coming over, having sex again, and even sleeping over. It was that night that I realized though that it’s just not there. This was more the case for him than for me. I felt like an old couple that was married for 40 years. We had sex and he turned over and went to sleep LOL. No affection, no conversation, no connection. It was also that night that I had the realization that I WANT AND DESERVE MORE too!!! It was an eye opening moment.
So I texted him the next day and explained that I get that this won’t work, that I can tell that he’s not “feeling” it and that it’s ok! I just wanted to make peace with it. I said I still wanted to be friends, etc. His answer: “thank you for everything. You have been perfect in every way. I just need to figure things out for myself and get my sh** together.” Again- he played the “victim” card and “woe is me” act.
Fast forward 3 weeks from the night he slept over...I see him out at a bar with friends and THAT same girl from 2 years ago!! This is the first time I’ve ever seen him out somewhere- especially when he always claimed to do nothing, not go out much, and just sleep at home a lot....(cue the flag). When I say I was so hurt, it doesn’t do it justice. The fact that he was with HER, out late on a Saturday (a weekend- gasp!) night, that he indirectly mislead me this whole time and even MORE so this last “round” when we reconnected with him, all of the sh** he told me: he loved me too... he messed up and has been pig headed...he thinks of me all the time. Just so much DECEPTION overall! And after 3 years of it and seeing him holding her hand and being flirtatious, it all came to a head and IT CLICKED and took over.
I HAD to let him know I was there and that I saw him. I was like a kid with a cavity staring at a candy bar. So I walked over and tapped him on the back. He turned and I didn’t say one word. All I did was give him an “oh really?” look with my eyes and walked away. I don’t know who saw me, perhaps “she” did, but frankly I don’t even care at this point. I walked away and went to enjoy the rest of my night. I went to dance and have fun! I know he saw me on the dance floor at one point too...GOOD! Lol.
He texted me 40 min later asking what happened to me, followed by a text saying I “looked great”. Typical shmoozing....lol. I responded the NEXT morning just saying “nothing happened...why?” And guess what??? HE never responded to that and I haven’t heard from him since. MORE confirmation of how little he cares and how much of a pure selfish a**** this guy really is.
Part of me knows that yes- right now we’re nothing and he has every right to be out and be with other women. I get that. It’s the part of the deception that gets me. ALL of the BS he’s fed me and he played me for a FOOL for so long. Yes- part of it is my fault- I get that too! But he’s well aware of what he’s doing. He knows I’m a GOOD person. He knows how much I liked him. But it’s irrelevant to him. It’s all about him and his needs. Simple as that.
I’ve never been so repelled by him in all these 3 years as I am now after that night. I’m disgusted and for the first time feel powerful and IN CHARGE now. My simple act of approaching him gave that all back to me and sent the message to him that I needed to send. That’s enough of this BS, enough of his games, enough of being not even an option- but a last resort to him. Ya know what? I deserve more than that, buddy. SO much more!
I’m SO grateful that I saw what I saw on Saturday bc NOW I finally have the closure I needed to close that door and GET what I deserve from the person that I deserve! God works in mysterious ways! Lol
Damn this hit me hard. Guys aren’t shit. What I can’t come to term with is that I keep doing this to myself. I go see him. I let him just have sex with me. I let him treat me like a second option. And I’m not strong enough to tell him no ever. It’s like I crack so easily the most I’ve gone is a week ignoring him.
I am going through the same thing. This guy has been in my life for like 30 years. Same thing. Treats me bad. Why can't I walk away?
Yes I'm going through it bad right now. I've been intimate with a guy for 6 months and I started falling for him. We had a little fight and didnt talk for a few weeks.
Then he gets into a relationship with someone else. Not sure if it was a rebound or what.
He says he still wants me around too.
I'm confused bad.
I dont know if I should keep pursuing or just throw in the towel and move on.
Just found out he made an investment to someone new.. hide from me . Why i felt he was being distant lately made me feel mad about it.. made wrong reactions on it but i just felt inwas not receiving the attention that was supposed to be given.. i admit it was too needy the past weeks. I was focused on my own problem. But seeing someone else ? He could have asked me what’s wrong.. like what i did for him when he was difficult to deal with😭 i just thought why he just do something and not talked to me 😭
He absolutely could have, Yoga, and it's the fact that he didn't that tells you everything you need to know. So painful to accept, but at least now you know.
in Heartbroken over my almost relationship. Been seeing a guy for two years, sleeping with him, talking almost everyday. Although, I saw the red flags of him not wanting to commit, I ignored them in the hopes that by continuing to sleep with him and be available he would see my worth and commit to me. However, I just found out he’s now in a relationship with a girl he just recently met. I was just in his bed two weeks ago, and now he’s taken? I’m hurt! I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel that he never took me seriously, no matter how great I was and how I was always there for him through rough times. He even admits that I’ve been there for him, yet he chooses someone new over me.
Oh Asia, take him down off this pedestal you've put him on. You can't convince someone of your worth. Yes, you're great. Yes, you were there for him through rough times, but that doesn't mean you were on the same page, that doesn't mean you would want him another year down the road, that doesn't mean he's worth you!
Thank you!
Today he messaged me saying, that he didn’t meant to hurt me. But that he always saw me as just a good friend, than we are good friends and that he’s sorry He hurt my feelings. But good friends don’t sleep with you for two years and make you feel otherwise. I personally feel dumped, and he just gave me that crappy excuse just to let me down easy or to have his door open for whenever his now relationship doesn’t work out. I removed him off my life already, I don’t need anymore friends, at least I don’t need him as a friend. I just hope this hurt goes away soon. I’m tired of feeling sad.
As hard as this is to actually do, don't take any of it personally, Assia. Own who you were and anything you've learned that you could have done differently - this was help remind you how beautifully human you are! - but don't take on anything beyond that. Let him go. The more you think about what he did to you, the more it will haunt you. If he could do this to you, you can only imagine what else he could do. You know the truth!
I am going through it .we werw in in the middle of starting a future together and he started complaining about my work but when i tried to quit he stopped me that is when i found out he was seeing his employee everyone at work knew besides me,i fired her he then asked for a break and when i went away he reinstated her,he brought he to our home when i was not around even his kids saw her cooking for them,i am so inlove with him i don't know how to move on
I'd take a closer look at exactly why you're so in love with this man, Ann. Just from what little you've said here it sounds like you're in love with the idea of him more than the actual person he is. Who does he remind you of that you couldn't get to love you? And why does that make him more attractive to you than the reality of who he's showing himself to be?
I am going through this right now. The issue is he's the one that opened up and was telling me how we are soulmates and that I am such an amazing person and all the love stuff. At first I was trying to be cool with it but not dive in because I knew if I did I would want more and at the moment I wasn't looking for more. The more he would tell me things, the more I was feeling. I remember from the beginning he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was I. In fact, I am/was that girl that could give him his space and do my thing. I have enough stuff going on in my life that really I just want someone I can be intimate with but the more I got to know him and the more he told me things like how comfortable he felt with me and him calling us soulmates and stuff started breaking down walls. And somewhere I fell in love with him and I love him deeply. Once I admitted it, he started to back off. It is weird because I know he wants a relationship, I know he wants to find that partner that he can back 100% and be backed 100% but the minute I show interest in that way he pushes me away. He denies the fear and says he just doesn't feel that way with me that he wants to stay focused on the stuff he's doing and he loses himself with me. I just want balance. I want him and I want my life. I want to be his partner and he knows I want a partner. He claims he wants that to, yet pushes me away. It is so confusing. He finally asked if I can just respect that he needs his space and that if I give that to him it will allow him to figure this all out. But right now he needs time for his music. I think I mostly feel clingy because I feel like I'm am losing him and that is mostly because of my past relationship experiences, which he is fully aware of. So if anyone has some advice that would be wonderful. He has always been honest with me and even my friends think he is a really great guy. I guess it is just me that wants to give him his space but also I have never met someone I feel completely myself with and it is the absolute best feeling ever. How do you remedy this?
Tell him to fck off.. im sorry, but i was in relationship for 1,5 year and i gave him as much space as he needed.. he could do whatever the fck he wanted.. after 1,5 year he came back home and said hes not happy with us.. i asked if there is someone else out there, he said no.. after checking his fb eventually it has turned out differently.. he tried to keep me on hold for undefined time, and the worst thing is that it was him moving everything too fast and the relationship he created with me was the way he dictated it and at the end he was blaming that we got too boring.. he was the first one to tell me i love you, he was the one to tell me to move in with him after 2 mths he was the one being clingy and messaging me all the time.. the worst thing is that i let him to do it and guess what now its been more than a year and hes happy with his colleague.. he was apologising fee times but also when I finally got my guts to reach out to him, he didn’t hesitate to say he’s happy..
Respect yourself and let him go, if theres no one third party then he might come back when his ready, but now move on dont wait cause i was like you happy to be with him and thought he feels the same, now i am the one fighting with myself and struggle to get up out of the bed every day.. he is happy with her growing ..
I was in this on and off again relationship with this guy for about a year and a half. He was like a drug. When I met him, there was this instant attraction. He pulled me in and made me feel like I was the one for him. I was so happy because I was divorced raising my son by myself, and I felt like I was finally meeting someone that I could spend my life with. He had a daughter, but he only had custody of her every other weekend. Our priorities were way different. I was living on my own, raising my son, working full time, and dealing with the stress of adulting. Meanwhile he was living with his mother, hanging out with friends most of the time, and getting his daughter every other weekend. He told me he was lucky to have me and thanked me for giving me a chance. But, he never wanted to settle down. We didn’t really get to see each other a whole lot because he lived 45 minutes away from me. I waited for us to move in together but it never happened. In the relationship I felt like things were off but I was so blinded by the love. I would get so angry at him because if we were having problems, he would push me away and not talk through it. If I was crying, he didn’t care. The anger I had at him would make me say things that I would regret later. I just couldn’t understand what happened. After the relationship was over he made the comment that he still loved me but we couldn’t be a couple because we were toxic together. I finally made a decision to quit seeing him and messaging him because it turned out he was just using me physically. This was a few months ago. And thanks to social media, I saw that he was with this girl that had three kids from a previous relationship. Well I thought it wasn’t all that serious but then I saw that they were making plans of moving in together. This shocked me and left me stunned. I just don’t get it. He had commitment issues and here he is settling down with a girl with three children. What was wrong with me and my child? However time heals everything, and hopefully it will get better and I will forget about him.
I am from a rather small town and I have known this guy forever. He is 5 years younger and already 6 years ago he flirted like crazy with me every time we met. I never paid much attention because I felt he was too young for me. Around 2.5 years ago he told me he has fallen hard for me but I was still hesitant. He stopped persuading me and started dating another girl for about 1.5 years. That was when I realized how much I actually care for him and that I want to be with him. When I heard he broke up with his girlfriend I reached out to him and he immediately replied. We started texting and snapchatting like crazy and finally after 1.5 months we started to hook up. The first time we hooked up he told me he loved me. Then after a month he stopped texting and went M.I.A.. Then things started to head up again and he told me again how much he liked me but would always pull out last minute if we made any plans. In May when we ran into each other, he again told me again he loved me but went silent again for a couple of weeks. I reached out and told him I was ready for a real relationship and after that he became rather distant and cold again. So things became awkward but we would still text and snapchat infrequently. In September, I was told he is seeing other girls and I confronted him but he denied and said he would care too much for me. We talked and he became much more caring and would tell me again that he loves me. I really wanted things to become serious and finally asked him what we are and where we are going. He made up excuses and said he doesn’t have time for a relationship right now. For me it sounded like he doesn’t want a relationship with me so I broke off contact . He got in touch with me and I became weak again. We met up and hooked up again. He was so nice and caring but then turned weird again. He did not try to get in touch with me and it was again me, who had to reach out. We tried to arrange to meet up but it didn’t work out. He went silent again but I knew something was up. Someone told me that he met a girl that weekend and that they hooked up. I confronted him and he denied again but became so angry this time. He said even if it were true he doesn’t have to justify his actions towards me and that he is sick of doing this over and over again. I wanted again to define our relationship and he said he likes me but I should forget him. That was the last thing I heard. As I said I live in a very small town so I know the girl's car and I saw it parked twice in front of his hourse in the morning. I think he is in a serious relationship with her now. I really don't understand why he always said he loves and likes me but didn't want to commit. And now boom he meets this girl and boom is in a relationship with him.
I really love him and I miss him so much even though he clearly just used me. What should I do?
I’ve experienced a similar situation within the past 2 years. And I’m still not over it, because I just found out about his new partner. I read this blog post before and I think I just don’t want to face the reality of things. But it is true: the guy I dated is with that exact type of woman that you described. And he told me: he said “we each do our own thing. We keep the intimacy to a limit,” when he called me to tell me he want to marry me “one day” but he wasn’t ready to commit to me. He calls themselves exclusive but “not a girlfriend” and that’s 100% not a title that I would ever be interested in. He knows I demand mutual respect and attention and a committed relationship. Ironically, he is giving her that because she is flighty, like he is. I found out that 3 months after him telling me he did not want anything serious with me, he’s been traveling with her all over, sleeping with her in different cities and countries. I’m a virgin, and it stings more to think that he also did not want to be with me because of that. I can’t give him what she gives him, physically and emotionally. And I'll never understand the appeal. Thank you for your post, because even though it hurts, it’s helping me face the reality of things. I can never be like her, and I would never want to be. And I don’t want to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable either. Thank you.
Keep your head up Natalie. I recently lost my virginity to a man like this and it still wasn’t enough. He left me a week after. Eventually we got back together but it was on and off. He used me for months and left many emotional scars on my life. He couldn’t communicate his feelings and would never be exclusive with me and he was very manipulative. But now he’s with a girl who is very similar to me in looks and personality. He committed to her very quickly and it left me very hurt. He even bothered to text me for the sole purpose of rubbing it in. You’re a better person for staying true to you. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for staying a virgin, I wish I still was. Stay strong!
Hi. She was similar to you personality wise? What do you mean? Contrary to the article?
My situation is similar to yours. I did loose my virginity at 25 to a guy like that. And it wasnt enough either. But i cant say i fully regret it cause it let me know exactly who he is.
And well, if he can call you to rub it in then he is not a good person at all. Makes me feel sorry for the girl.
So we started speaking over 4 years ago, he lives around 2 and a half hours away from me so we never met straight away. I fell for him more or less straight away, he seemed like the perfect guy. It took him ages to admit that he had some sort of feelings for me but when he did I was the happiest ever.
There was another girl he liked though so that kind of stopped us from being together and the distance part but nothing happened with that girl and he gave up with her and I also told him we could get around the distance part. I thought we could finally be together and that I was going to be happy for once and have my happy ever after. I can’t imagine having a future with anyone else but then he told me he just didn’t want a relationship, not with me, not with anybody.
He then started talking to this other girl and they started meeting up and sleeping together. That absolutely broke my heart finding that out but yet I still stick around and forgive him for everything he’s done. They’re getting closer and he’s told me that it’s possible that they might end up together but not long ago he’s told me that he doesn’t want a relationship so I’m confused.
What is wrong with me? What does this girl have that I don’t? Why isn’t my love enough for him. I ask myself these questions every day and I just don’t understand. I fell in love with this guy and he’s treat me nothing but horribly. Yet I can’t let him go. I feel like he’s actually broken me but it seems like he doesn’t even care. Don’t i mean anything to this guy.
There is nothing wrong with you. He's just a simple person on this planet like everyone else. He's not God, he doesn't get to determine your worth. Don't give him so much power over you. Instead turn this around and ask yourself much more important and liberating questions like: why are you choosing someone like this? Why him? What does he represent? Why do you choose to stay in a situation that hurts you? Why did you choose to move forward head first to feel so much for someone who, from the very beginning, told you wasn't that interested? What led you to ignore his words?
These questions open doors for you to look deep within yourself to find answers and to realize that you have power to decide your life and who you allow and don't allow in. These questions give you back all your you that you're losing because you're focusing on someone who is not worth that much. This isn't about you not being enough, this is about you choosing to let yourself down. Why? You have always been enough, you have always had infinite worth, your love has always been precious. You're simply choosing to let other people define you, you're choosing to give your love and self to someone who cannot receive you, and that's a losing strategy. Big hug. Don't hurt yourself anymore by giving this simple human so much power. If you can, do Jane's program. It's a very good starting point to find yourself and hopefully, when you're ready, someone who truly is right for you. This man is definitely not. Lots of clarity and strength your way.
Wow Jane, thank you so much for writing this story, it hits home, and I’m shocked how many people are experiencing the same thing.
I met this guy few months ago who worked near where I lived and he’s very attractive, flirty and playful. I became infatuated with him slowly from all that attention and flirtations. I was mad about him. However he has been very flakey and would set a date with me but ignored my texts, then he will talk to me again few days later. I tried to ignore him but he would just come back strongly to flirt with me. He is very attractive and I couldn’t resist him anyway...
When we were together he always acted almost too intimate, calling me pet names, endless cuddling and spooning and flattering me. We had sex sometimes. However there’s no much emotional connection and he often ignored my texts and rarely followed up when he said he wanted to take me out. He always acted like he had somewhere to go too. Sometimes I felt like chasing him. He’s elusive. But I couldn’t turn him down when he reappeared as we always had a good time and he is sooo damn attractive. I always felt confused where I stood in the relationship. I confronted him and he was always like “I’m not ready for a relationship I’m busy and I’m focusing on work and my career ” and I was like, maybe he is.
Then a month ago after not hitting him up for a week, I sensed something weird, I asked him and he told me he suddenly found a woman he wanted to be dating seriously. Yep after months of flakiness and not “ready for a relationship” all of a sudden he could commit to a stranger 😒 I’ve been nothing but sweet to him but I was kicked into the curb....
I was able to have a long conversation with him last week and he said he just didn’t want a relationship with me and we’re not compatible and he didn’t want me to get attached to him that’s why he acted flakey. He thought I was sweet and nice and he wanted sex and companionship. He wanted to stay friends with me and I can sense we still like each other. I don’t understand why he wants to stay friends and still calls me pet names after all these bull crap!?
He’s bad at communications and he doesn’t invest much so I’m not surprised that his new partner is not happy how he is flakey.
It still hurts a bit. I don’t know how to make of this relationship. Maybe he’s selfish. Maybe it’s my fault for being too sweet and gave him so much attention to squeeze love out of him. I’m going no contact with him because there’s no point of staying friends. I don’t want to be his Plan B if his gf dumps him. Maybe after no contact we will reconnect. Or maybe i won’t have feelings for him anymore. Or maybe he will miss me. Or he won’t.
And the social media thing can drive you crazy!! I feel envious. He is very good looking and his ex gf look like model...I feel inadequate. I’m not attractive like her. And it is hurts after being sweet to him he withhold his love but give to other women.
Then I don’t know what’s behind the photos, maybe he has shallow relationship with his gfs and treat everyone in a distant flakey way.
I guess I’ll be over him in few months with NC and will meet someone better. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I still like him but I don’t want to be hurt. I blocked him without an explanation cos I’m tired of being the one trying to communicate. Maybe after losing me and her he will learn. Or maybe he will repeat it with other women indefinitely...
He told me he wasn’t the guy for a relationship but if anything happened then maybe. We started as friends with benefits, but one day he messaged me saying that he wanted a brake. I asked why and then he said that we didn’t have the connection he expected. I was heartbroken, but I didn’t say anything further than ‘’is cool, we can still be friends’’, however; he wouldn’t message me and he would ask me every now and then to hang out ( always at night time). I was still not over him, so I thought it would be better if I unfriended and unfollowed him from social media. Months later on my birthday I went out with my friends, I saw him he came up to me, but I looked at him then turned around, it was nothing that I could say to him. Then he came on my shoulder and said ‘ anyways, it was nice seeing you again’ then he walked away, minutes later I saw him dancing and kissing a girl at the club, which recently I realised that they are in a relationship. I’ve done everything to forget about him and get over him, but is been almost 8 months now and I find it impossible. It hurts me that she is the one that he wants, I’m not jealous just hurt.
And saved, Anna. Don't forget that part. Been there enough times to know we're not rejected when this happens. We're absolutely saved!
Is hard to see it from that perspective at this moment ?
I know, Anna. But one day you absolutely will!
This happened to me years ago. The man I thought I would marry decided sudddenly to go back and get a second bachelor's degree right after he finished thr first one. Said he cared so much for me but could not commit because he was in school. We had dated for 5 years. I was tired of waiting and broke up with him. I married a darling man who is still my husband decades later. Ex bf has since been divorced twice. I knew he would end up divorced because it was always all about him and his needs.
Yes, Jane I guess it is just a matter of wanting some kind of control over what happened and some kind of explanation. Although I know he doesn't "owe" me one as we weren't even casually dating anymore it still stings. He knew what my feelings were and that I was always interested in pursuing something more. A few weeks ago while we were having a casual conversation (via text- of course...always text with him!), he told me he had met this woman and they hung out a few times and that he didn't have time for anything more because he's so busy. Within the past few weeks he had said he was hoping to see me too during another conversation when I myself was kind of fishing to see his level of interest. And then bam- I discover he's now in a relationship with this woman.
As for what I'd do differently- I go back and forth about that because while I would change some of my "nutty" moments when I had gotten frustrated bc of his unavailability, I also know that he lead me to feeling so insecure about us. He was sooo shady from day one and I know he told me lies about things. So eventually over time, I had barely any trust in his word. So that's not me- that's on him. I feel he was never available for me, I think he WAS involved with someone else while we were dating and he was never transparent.
The only thing I would change about and for myself are the expectations. I think because I was so eager to date again (after my divorce) and I liked him so much, I expected things to move a bit faster than perhaps today's "norm". Let's face it- dating in today's world stinks! The men and women don't have the best attitude about it and social media has opened up too many doors with trash behind it. So maybe I need to adjust that attitude and that wouldn't be for him- but for me and my future in dating. So that overall would be serving MYSELF. As for anything else, I was myself, I always told him how I was feeling and for that I'm proud. I'm really not beating myself up about it. Just more of a matter of what does SHE have that lured him in. But when you say the concept of space, I can see how I didn't provide that enough for him (emotionally) and perhaps she is giving him that. So yes, I can see how he wasn't capable. I think I was too much for him...I wasn't superficial enough..haha! And if that's what it is- so be it. I don't want a superficial relationship. I was true, deep, and genuine LOVE. 🙂
So understandable, Cathy. And please know that with the right guy for you, your "expectations" that "things would move a bit faster than today's norm" would have been completely reasonable and shared by him as well. That's more of my point. This didn't work out because he clearly wasn't the right one for YOU! We are never in the right place or with the right person when we feel like we're too much for someone. Add to that someone who will only communicate with you via text and everything becomes even clearer. Someone on the same page as you will love to hear your voice, will want to talk via phone or in person, won't settle for texting as your main communication and will never EVER give you that all too familiar feeling that you're too much of anything! Don't settle for anything less than that, Cathy. You DESERVE true, deep, and genuine love!
Thank you for those reassuring words, Jane! Those are all points I keep reminding myself of when I start to drift to the “did I push him away”, etc. thoughts. I do know the right one for ME would have produced a different outcome. I also realize about the whole texting point and have thought about it even in the midst of actually dating him. But because I was IN it, had feelings and wanted it to work so badly, it become clouded and I constantly tried to justify. It’s crazy how our minds can work!
I am glad and proud of myself that I have gotten to THIS point. It took some time (haha!) but I’m here and that’s what matters. It’s made me aware of things I shouldn’t tolerate in future men.
Exactly, Cathy!
Thank you for the reply, Angel, and the encouragement that it has nothing to do with me. A huge part of me truly already knows that, but I think I can speak for so many people when I say that a part of you can't help but automatically think and wonder what it was about you that they wasn't "enough" for them to want to pursue something more with you. No matter how you look at it, it still stings like a b****h at first!
I was really just trying to dive into Jane's response and her explanation. I was just wondering but I took the article as this was the explanation to apply to all men and women who have been through a situation such as this. The article doesn't seem to leave any room for the possibility other than the new relationship is a bereft one, as one of the other posters said.
I hear you, Cathy. I used to go down that route of "I'm never good enough" because none of these guys wanted anything serious for me but they always found themselves a serious girlfriend after I walked away feeling damaged. But I can safely say that many of these men, as nice and committed as they may have been to those other ladies, could have never been what I really want and need. So I'm sure they had relationships with those women that were not my idea of a relationship. After all, people rarely change. They are still who they are with or without you. And many times, men who are truly emotionally unavailable continue to be because they issue is within them, not with the women they choose. More often than not, those relationships are not as loving as we picture them out to be. That's why Jane is clear and certain in her post, because she's seen it too. There may be one or two guys that truly changed for the new woman, but 99% of the times, they don't. They just find a woman who puts up with who they are.
Angel, the funny thing is I KNOW deep down he's not what I needed and I AGREE with you! This guy, although I was extremely attracted to him (I've never felt such chemistry with anyone else) and we had a lot in common, etc., he wasn't the right match for me. Honestly, he was shady from day one, which lead me to not trust him early on. As time went on, it got even worse. This then lead me to start questioning him and even calling him out on things a few times. To think he had the nerve one day to say we wouldn't work because I was too "skeptical" is comical when I think about it!
So anyway, when I do sit here and take a step back, I laugh because I wonder why I'm taking it so personally when HE wasn't up to MY standards anyway! I just kept dismissing the red flags (wrong, I know!) because the chemistry was clouding my judgement.
I do highly doubt that his new relationship is real and genuine and goes as "deep" as I would want my relationship with a man to go. I just don't think he's capable of such a relationship. She is 10 years younger than him too (she's 34) so maybe she's not even looking for those types of things that an older and divorced woman like me would want. I know age means nothing but to me- she's a young, naive lad! lol. They say men can change when they find the right one though- so who knows. I could be completely wrong about all my theories! As you said though Angel, 99% of the time they don't change. It's just a matter of time before the true colors come through. Makes me think of the quote: no matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it's still a snake!
Cathy... This line: "They say men can change when they find the right one though"
No. No. No. No. No. Again. NO. That is another sexist, misogynistic trope that they have pedaled for centuries to keep us feeling bad about ourselves for not conforming to what society tells us we should be. Be very careful with the messaging that's operating in your mind. People, not just men, change when they decide to change of their own accord. We don't change until we choose to and are ready to. It doesn't depend on anyone but ourselves. The outside world is merely influential but never in control.
I understand you a lot because I have been in that situation you describe and that's precisely how I know now there's nothing wrong with us. Only wrong programing and wrong people for us. The guy has the nerve to blame his b.s. on you. That's typical and society does not hold men accountable for their actions. Haven't you noticed that us women are blamed for every bad thing out there collectively when in fact it is men and their messed up programing the ones who are waging wars and killing and assaulting?
Be very careful with what you take on. It's hard for us because we've been conditioned to ask for so little from everyone and especially from men. And they barely even look at themselves sometimes. Of course I'm talking from a collective, Societal standpoint. Individually speaking, people are more complex. That guy seems very immature and simply not self-aware. That's a red flag. Look for men who are self-aware, introspective, and mature emotionally and mentally. Those would make better partners to women who also look within and seek to be better human beings.
I personally have found that intense chemistry with people comes from our dysfunctions. We're subconsciously trying to heal something and being triggered on a primal level, as a reminder of an earlier care giver usually.
Look at the chemistry bit and start by figuring out why you felt chemistry, why you felt drawn to him and who he might remind you of from your early years. That's how we begin to understand and detach ourselves from people who are toxic for us. They don't have a hold on us, it’s what they're triggering what does. It's not about him at all. It's within you. See what you find inwards.
Exactly, Angel. You know me well! 🙂
Right, Cathy, because if you could see what I've seen and experienced both personally and professionally, you would see so clearly as well. My experience is so extensive with these types of scenarios and these types of men, there is no room for "what if", "but maybe", or whatever other way we try to package our own unique experience so we'll be the exception.
Look at what your desired outcome is here. You want to understand to gain some semblance of control over what happened, right? You want to understand, to figure out what you can do differently to change what happened, right? Because you can't change him, but you can change you, and so you know that the key to a different ending with him is if you change yourself.
The problem is, we're not changing in ways that serve us. We change in ways that are detrimental to our hearts and souls and leave us all about changing to please someone else, that tears at the very fabric of our being. The bigger question is who are we changing for and why? Because we're not talking about healthy relationship compromises here; we're talking about something very different as every woman who's been here, and made it through to the other side, recognizes.
This is not in any way an attempt to minimize how much it actually "stings like a b***h"! I know that sting all too well and no matter how many times it happens, it doesn't hurt any less. What this is, Cathy, is my absolute reassurance that you didn't miss out on some incredible, amazing man and relationship because you weren't able to be that woman who got him to commit like you, by way of our culture, will try to convince yourself of. The women who've been to all the other places for their answers and end up here because nothing else resonated enough with them, reocgnize this. It's why I can say this to you simply because you're asking these questions!
This is our biggest battle. Separating our own truth from our programming. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing you could have done to convince him to commit to you if in the end he wasn't capable because of his own programming and other personal and cultural factors to make the conscious decision to commit to you. If you want to talk one on one so you can become absolutely convinced of this yourself, just let me know. Questions like this are such an important part of moving through!
Jane,
I love the explanation and reasoning you're giving as to why the emotionally unavailable man (like one I was casually talking to forever!) has suddenly committed to someone in a relationship. I can see the part about maybe he has the space he needs and that there's a superficial connection, one that doens't require a lot of emotion involved, etc. But I have to ask you HOW do I know this is the case with these men?
I was talking to an EUM for about a year and he never wanted to take things further...always said "he didn't know". I just found out that after only dating a few months, he's now committed to a relationship with someone else.
Your article gives the explanation with such certainty but can't it be other things? Like, maybe he really IS into her...maybe he truly does have strong feelings for her- stronger than he had for me. Isn't there a chance that it is truly a genuine connection between he and this "new" woman?
It doesn't matter, Cathy. His relationship with another person has nothing to do with you. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. The point is he left you, so he's not the right one for you. Simple. People are complex and just because he couldn't commit to you, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. You're simply incompatible and that's that. There are many people on earth. They are all going to feel however they feel about you and that is not on you. They do what they do and feel how they feel because of themselves. We cannot control that, nor do we want to. Figuring out whatever his reasons are doesn't change the end result.
It would be really comforting to believe that his new relationship is emotionally bereft, but I honestly have my doubts. He's sending her flowers on her doorstep, meeting her family, spent their respective birthdays on weekend getaways together, doing activities with her (like visiting museums and attending concerts) that always felt like pulling teeth with me.
I want so much to believe that he'll be no good for any woman, and for a while I bought into this illusion: he's 45, never married, no kids, and claims to have never been in love (he said maybe once in his 20s) I thought, "well, he must be 45 and still single for a reason." (I'm 30) I oddly found comfort in that notion. So when in March of this year he began to feel distant and cold and I broke it off, I told myself, "he's just too emotionally unavailable." Cut to April and May with him making sexual advances on me again. I initially reject his advances, but eventually succumb. Like a moth to a flame. We're essentially back to our usual flirty ways...that is until the bomb. In June I discover he had been dating another woman all that time. I had to discover this online on HER social media pages. I confronted him and gave him THREE opportunities to tell me the truth. He blatantly lied and denied he was seeing someone else each and every time. I eventually showed him the photos I found online...and he just falls off the face of the earth. I decided to message the other woman and let her know he had been texting me and hooked up with me behind her back. She just ignored and blocked me. It was at this moment I felt at my absolute lowest: like total inconsequential trash that never ever mattered. And I truly loved him. I try my best to keep away from what's posted online, but sometimes it's like an itch I have to scratch...and there they are: seemingly happy, spending quality time together and with fam, taking trips, having dinners at nice restaurants.
I really want to believe that this idealized relationship they seem to portray on Facebook and the like is all in my imagination...but the truth is I have doubt. As far as I can tell, he knew he wanted her all along (and in their photos they look genuinely happy), but couldn't quite let go of me for his own selfish reasons. My self-esteem is at an all-time low.
Reading your comment and your version leaves me, a total stranger with no particular interest in your situation, zero doubts that his relationship is emotionally bereft. Believe it. Here are the reasons why:
1. You're getting ideas of perfect coupledom from social media. You're comparing your gag real to the manufactured highlights. Social media is marketing. People edit their lives on there. They rarely show you what is really going on. I can tell you of plenty of relationships I've seen up close and personal that are hot messes, but the parties involved love sharing cute selfies and field trips and stuff, when I know they are miserable.
2. You're assuming that emotional availability means sending flowers and taking home trips with someone. No, and no. Emotional availability looks like open communication, no need for lies and betrayals or harsh criticism. How do you even know he's capable of that when he showed you he wasn't?
3. He cheated on you and lied to your face about it. It doesn't get any clearer than that about the kind of person he is. Do you honestly think a person like this is a good partner for you? She might be ok with his foolishness and that's why she's with him. But are you? That's what counts here.
Please think long and hard about why you are holding on to negative ideas about yourself based on the mistreatment of another person. I know it hurts, but you're mourning and idea of him. See him for who he is.
If you haven't done Jane's programs yet, I highly recommend them.
Hugs.
Bless you, Kris.
Your story makes me so sad and I can imagine your pain.
What Angel says is right, I hope you could take comfort from that.
His response to you reflects his character rather than you.
Stop putting him on a pedestal.
Love yourself first. Try.
I appreciate your support and comments. I should have clarified that we were on and off for 4 years. And when he began dating the ther woman, we were on an off period. But while he was dating her, he kept me in the picture (texting me, seeing me behind her back, slept with me, etc.) Perhaps that doesn't really change anything. I'm overall doing better. Not falling into the trap of "social media stalking" as much. I'be been working with a therapist the past few months to work through personal struggles that got me into this situation in the first place. Also, to heal from the heartbreak of course. Still, I can't quite wrap my head around why he all of a sudden seems a changed man offering his new woman more consistency and commitment than he ever was able to give me. I'm trying to learn to move forward without closer and answers. And maybe, just maybe, I'll allow myself to believe in the notion that he probably hasn't changed that much...and social media truly is all just glamorized exaggerations. Thanks again! xo
Yes I'm going through this right now where I spent 1 year begging for a relationship and now his brother baby mother says he has a gf...
No more begging, girl. You're not the begging kind, you're the loving kind!
Together nearly a year and I asked why he had to be so casual and why was he being secretive. Did he have another woman.? He called tonight and cancelled our plans to meet and said he doesn't have time to commit to anyone he is so busy. He wants to find a male friend to socialise with and I should do same. He said he would call or text me and wanted two weeks break but if I met someone in meantime. I asked what if you meet someone, isn't that commitment. He wouldn't meet up to talk.
I started talking to this guy 3 years ago. It took me the 3rd year which is this year to really engage myself with him. The relationship itself gave me a lot of heartaches with him. I just wanted us to be serious. I held on because I had faith on us. I had faith that regardless of what my friends was saying about him, I knew he was a nice a person despite of the image he may portray on the outside. The relationship was on and off. He was in graduate school but recently just graduated. I had to be away for 2 months but we stayed in contact. When I was away, I realize my strong feelings for him and the relationship was fading. I feared that but I held on and I was looking forward to coming back home to see him. After a couple of weeks, I came back and he reached out. He sent me a message. I was excited, instead he greeted me with "welcome back... I've met someone." I felt blindsided. I didn't see him to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else or suddenly with just anyone. Before that happened, we had a video call 2 weeks ago before I came back and I told him I was beginning to have strong feelings for him and now he's telling me he's met someone? I just want to understand his sudden decision to break things off. He said he understands how i feel so that news feels very sudden to me. I am still in shock and wanted a proper closure, through meeting in person but he didn't want to and he thinks it would be the same as it was delivered over a text message. Whether if he is in an exclusive relationship or not --just to push me away and not ready for a commitment, I still feel blindsided by it. I just wanted to understand him. It feels like there's more to it. I still have feelings for him but I can't do anything about it anymore. I feel like he will come back again for the 3rd time but I don't want to expect anymore. Please advise
He obviously doesn't know what he wants, Erin. Become so clear for yourself on what YOU want and you won't find yourself letting anyone back in who doesn't clearly know that, too!
I was seeing this guy for 5 months. Talked/texted every day morning to night. Then we had set 1 day a week, Friday evenings, for us to hang out and have some fun.. just him and I. Everything was great, as I saw anyway.. more or less blinded by the reality of it because I liked him so much. I hadn't had this feeling since I was with my first love. All the things that make u feel so good inside. Until one Friday night, we are doing the usual, drinking, laughing and talking. We had discussed our feelings before but we didn't talk about it all the time. He knew how I felt about him and he never actually said how he felt but all the signs and his actions told me he felt the same way. So to hopefully take it to another level I asked him if he even felt the same way about me as I do for him. Flat out said NO I'm sorry I do not, I've tried but I just can't. My heart hit the floor. I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him. I could see in his face that he knew I was shocked, hurt. I mean who wouldn't be when all the signs were there? So I stepped out for a bit to get some fresh air.. kind of brushed it off cause in my mind I was thinking well we've had a lot to drink. Maybe he is having a bad day. I didn't want that night to end in heartache. So I just let it go. The next day things went to how they have been the past 5 months. Well, following Friday comes along and he brings it up. Tells me he knew he had hurt me and he didn't know how to react to it the week before and he was sorry that I just can't give him what he's wanting as far as needs he's wanting met. I'm crying at this point. He tells me he does love me, mind u I never ever dropped the L word, ever.. a love like in a best friend sort of way. And he still wants us to continue to have our Friday nights and I be considered his best friend with benefits. So basically he wants all the things a relationship has, but can't commit his heart into it the way I already have. He wants his cake and eat it too. So I said well let me ask you this? What If I was to meet a guy and happen to go on a date with him.. how would that make you feel? He said oh well that would piss me off, I would deal with it but I don't have to like it. Really??? Well here is the kicker. Yes we still do the Friday thing. Yes with the benefits. Ive tried to pull my heart out of this. Cause in all honesty i dont want to lose him as a friend too. Well, he tells me he met someone.. just been chatting. Which I knew something was up cause the texts were calming down, phone calls too. Wasn't getting the usual good morning and night texts as I had been. It did hurt. And I'm still hurting. I honestly can't stop thinking why him? I have done everything I can and put so much into all of this, even allowing the friends with benefits to go on knowing in the end it wasn't ever going to be me. That this is an endless battle. I don't know what I should do here. I am still hurting. I want to get passed this. Everytime I try and push him away he pulls me right back in. I want this pain to go away. I want to continue to try and find my happiness. Please help me here. I'm tired of the tears I am wasting on him when I know it's not ever happening and I know not one tear has ever been wasted on me. How can I get my heart and brain on the same page?
I really do need advice here. I'm sure I know the answer. Maybe I just need to hear from an outsider looking in.
Cut him out of your life. He's not your friend. There is no such thing as friendship in a "friends with benefits" arrangement. When you allow yourself to be friends with benefits with someone you are in love with, you are throwing yourself under the bus by becoming a thing they use and discard when they meet someone "better". Never ever ever ever go there. You're not losing anything whatsoever when you cut someone out who doesn't care about you. And believe me: he doesn't care about you. I know it hurts. It's like being stabbed repeatedly and having the knife twist several times once inside. I've been there. I hope you take that lesson out of this one and never go there again. Don't put the onus on the guy to do the right thing by you: they never do. Become your own savior and your own protector. These men are out for themselves, even if they don't think they are. Become selfish with your time, your emotions, your whole being. It's not a bad thing at all.
Cut contact with this person. Swiftly. You won't heal and get out of this if you continue to have him in your life in anyway.
You have the strength to end it. You have everything in you, and believe me, you're not losing anything. All you're losing is a burden and someone who hurts you. Good riddance, don't you think?
Grief away from him, spend time alone, with your true friends and family, and if you can, do Jane's program. There's a lot for you away from this person.
I was in a long distance relationship (3 hour distance) with a man for two years. We spent holidays, birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc together. He met my daughter and I met his sons. We discussed marriage and our kids referred to us as step parents. Just before we hit the two year mark I decided our relationship has flourished enough for me to post us on Facebook. The same day I posted a picture of us there was another woman (who lives closer to him) in my inbox stating she has been with this man for 6 years!!!!! Wth?!!!! At first I didn't believe her because she had to be delusional. How could they possibly be in a relationship?!!!(see my second sentence) Then she sent me a screenshot of a text with him blatantly lying about me and next she posted a picture of them together (keep in mind she had never posted any pictures of them before this). After about 4 unsuccessful attempts of trying to get the truth from him he finally admitted that he has love for this woman and he thinks it's best we go our separate ways. Can you say completely and utterly heartbroken?!!! I thought this was my future husband...that this was the one and now I have to learn how to heal and open myself up to take another chance.
Wow, Kiki. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine your shock and heartbreak right now. It's sad that there are people capable of doing this kind of horrible thing. ?
You finding out was a blessing. You've definitely been spared. But I'm sure right now it feels like anything but a blessing. 🙁
Yeah...I know it was for the best and I shouldn't rush my grieving period but I am sooo tired of hurting. Pray for me please!
Im 50. He is 54. We have been seeing each other on and off for a year. He came on so strong at first. Telling me he was crazy about me. I fell hard. Things were perfect. He lost a dear loved one 3 mths into us dating. He pulled away from me in his grief for 2 mths. Slowly he came back. We were hot and heavy again. This went on again for couple mths. Then Bam, for no reason, suddenly pulls away again. We did maintain texting now and then during this off time. Early Spring 2017, he's back. We are hot to trot once again. This time, I dont expect a daily romance, or seeing each other everyday. I give him his space. I realize then how full his agenda is and his hobbies. Im content with our daily chit chat texting once or twice a week and getting together on the wkend. Again, we have a ball together. Daily chatting, seeing each other once a wk due to work. Us both being very attentive to the other. About 3 days ago I notice he is pulling away again. I text him that I think the world of him, but sense we are on different pages about things which causes misunderstandings, etc. and that Im not wanting him to alter his life or routine and that I only hope for a spot in it. He replies... He understands(Calling me my pet name). But his life is very full right now. He doesnt want a highly involved relationship. He doesnt have time for one. Says he doesnt like taking time to do a lot of texting thats only chatter and ends in saying he is trying not to hurt my feelings.... Im heartbroken and confused and feel we are both too old for this mess. I know he cares. I feel like he wants a gf benefits now and then but not always or maybe he simply just nicely dumped me. I replied to his last text that I wanted to continue seeing him to an extent that we can both agree on. He has not replied.
What do you want for yourself out of life? That's what matters. His life and his wants are his business. If what you want is a full on relationship, then this is not the person. Just look at the facts and you'll see he is not worth your commitment because he doesn't want the same thing with you.
This has happened to me before but I wasn't even dating him I still have a crush on him now I'm just realizing that just friends can't work right now I'm not sure if it ever will I need help getting him to see that I'd make a better girlfriend then a friend because I can't be there for him in the way he wants me to be I couldn't be there for him if he has a hard time with his girlfriend I wouldn't be able to give him honest advice
This is exactly what I have experienced for years, I am embarrassed to say. I have been in love with someone that continues to choose others over me although he knows how I feel. We have been together a couple of times and the chemistry is out of this world and we are great friends. He still feels suited for someone else. He is currently with someone who he is not happy with sexually or intellectually but she can give him a child and I can't. I will always love him but I am done with this man. He lacks any common sense and I can't deal with that.
Never will he commit to me. Shagging my friend and prostituties. I'm not so bad. All men do it to me
Never will he commit
Never will he commit
This is exactly my situation at the moment!!
I've been seeing this guy for more than a year now. We were just in chat for the first 6 months that we were trying to get to know each other, meaning, no dates no going out at all..when I decided to go out with him, everything happened so quick that we decided to be bf/gf that day coz we felt the connection and we have been in touch for 6 months anyway.. few weeks later, he thought we rushed into the relationship and he decided to break it until we go out on actual dates.. I swear it was the worst experience in my life but since I love this guy, I thought maybe yeah we could give it a try and don't mind on labels yet..we lasted for about more than a year on the same situation just chatting, skype and random hang outs at his place with no proper dates. There came a point when I asked him, whats going on, whats our status... he became honest that he felt the pressure and just a few days, I found out he is seeing somebody else and they are spending lots of time together than we used to, they go out and became public just like that!!! when I confronted him, he said, he couldn't handle the nagging part and that he couldn't give me what I want which is relationship coz he doesn't know what he want. We were also never public as we work together in the same company and so he also said he couldn't handle the fact that we work in the same company.. and just like that, he is happily going out with another girl whom I heard is even married but separated :(,,, it sucks big time, I was left alone like that and he offered friendship as he doesn't want awkwardness at all.
I'm so sorry he played you that way. Do you even feel it's fair for you to even be "friends" with this person?
From your post, what I see is a man who has major issues with intimacy, that's why he chose a woman who is unavailable. He feels safer with her because he subconsciously knows she is not fully available to him. No pressure, no commitment, no intimacy.
Is that the kind of man you want for yourself?
Also, you might want to ask yourself how you would say you love someone you didn't actually get to know well. Hiding behind chatting and Skype is another way to stay away and avoid real intimacy.
Thank you, I really needed this. It's a little helpful to know that others also feel this way
So glad, Mia.
Hi Jane
You write this article with the assumption the relationship he has with the other girl is emotionally bereft - not on a deep emotionally connected level. But what about when it is? Then we can't use this excuse of "he just wanted someone who didn't make him confront his commitment issues". This is where i get stuck with your article.
I'm in this position right now also. He tells me he loves and acknowledges our deep emotional connection and in the same breath tells me he doesn't want a relationship. THIS is so hard to understand!!!
I've also learned that he is sleeping with someone and questioned him on that relationship and while not denying that other relationship he maintains his deep feelings for me.
I've decided to cut him off from the comfort of the "personal relationship" he's been getting from me, but I'm still sad and mourning the loss myself.
I've decided that anytime he sees me now, he will have to watch a string confident woman interacting and charming everybody around her but him.
It's the only way I feel I can rebuild myself to the happy, confident woman I was before I ever fell for him.
Hi, Jane!
I was seeing a guy for a couple of months when he eventually told me he wasn't looking for a relationship now, he just didn't feel like he wanted to spend so much time on someone other than himself, like you have to in a relationship. He claimed this would go for anyone, he really just wanted to be alone right now. It might be a tough question to answer, but is it really true that someone can just want to be 100% single and only have friendships, or was it just an excuse for not wanting to be with ME and devoting the time I wanted and needed him to?
Before this we had matched on tinder, -that's not how we met or anything, but I thought it was a fun thing. Now I see he's deleted his account a couple of weeks after he "dumped" me, and it makes me scared that he's already found someone who was worth deleting the app for. Of course I don't know anything for sure, but I want to stop worrying about all of this. I know it'll hurt my self-esteem when it's confirmed that he's found someone he wants to be with, and we all know that will happen sooner or later. Do you have any advice on how to prepare for that?
Hi Jane,
Do you have any insight as to why a man who acknowledges a deep emotional connection with a lady but remains insistent on not wanting a relationship with her. I can't get my head wrapped around this!!
Why would he tell me he loves but doesn't want a relationship. I can appreciate his honest, but I've wasted A LOT of time on him.
A realize I need to move on, I just don't understand what he has to gain by dangling the carrot, but never letting me reach it.
Can you offer any advice??
I've been there so many times and i remember wanting to understand why so badly.
Through the years I have learned that it doesn't matter why he says and does what he does. The bottom line is he is not right for you. No analyzing, or changing or doing or whatever will change that. Keep on moving and looking for a better fit for you. In the meantime, what you can do if you haven't already is get to know yourself better. Is this a pattern? Why are you hung up on this person? This should give you insights into yourself so that next time you are better equipped to judge if a man is good for you or not.
The only man you want to give your time to is the one who is always there for you and who shows you with words and actions that you're his girl. You won't even wonder if he loves you with that man.
You can't wrap your head around it because it flies in the face of all that is common sense, OneStep. It's not you! But you can't understand him and where he's coming from by trying to understand yourself and what you would do if you were him. He operates from a protected place of shame around an image of himself that he must maintain in order to be loved and accepted. The deeper this goes, the more it's protected and the more of this conflicting, back and forth behavior you're going to see. Thus, the extent to which he gives you conflicted messages is the extent to which HE is conflicted within himself. I go into much greater detail on this in my audio program - "Why Men Pull Away". Your most important takeaway is that it really isn't you, it's who you represent that creates the trigger in him that causes him to as you say, dangle the carrot but never let you reach it. You're not alone!
A perfect message for those still seeking answers from a relationship that was emotionally unfulfilling. Emotionally unavailable people do not wish to look within or actually FEEL the feelings that come with true intimacy, good or bad. Do yourself a favor, find the relationship that can give you what you've been craving the most, a beautiful, deep connection. You deserve it, and you deserve someone on your emotional level, wherever that may be. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.
So true, Beth. Thank you!
Well this is exactly what was prescribed for my discombobulated mind. I have the knack of choosing men who are ambiguous 🙁 what can I say Im a libra : indecision is ma'jam!!!! ) : they want to spend time with me, apparently they like me, I'm all the things and I mean the eeeeeverythings of life to them and they can't keep from me .... and then I somehow respond because I finally get the hint ( yes I'm also a little slow ) and then one day they just stop trying - they don't fully ghost.... they just kinda of disappear and reappear sporadically and I'm left in 'wtf was that for' limbo.
And lo' and behold one day I wake up and they're dating someone they end up marrying usually 4 to 6 months later which is right about when I want to burn all the things and sink in a whole of pity parties and I suck at this love thing : i want a joker or an ace or whatever makes me win this darn 'the one ' they speak of- where is he anyway and why was this guy pretending to be him this whole time ( never mind the red flags I saw and ignored - this is not part of the conversation I have at pity parties because I m in victim mode you see?)
And they will still act / feel some kind of way around me. I unsettle them ( ya don't say ..... ) and so apparently that is why they never choose me. How are you supposedly so charismatic and amazing that someone chooses to stay away from you? I suspect people are just trying to Truman show me by making me feel better.
So, When it's a pattern, it can't be all them- the common denominator is me. I have done all the therapies, ,coachings, hypnosis, past life regressions , LOA, inner child things - Im out of things to fix and really can't be arsed anymore because I still lost this last time ( he just got married last month but hey at least they dated for 7 months this time yay! You could even say he kinda met her because of me ... I feel like I'm in my best friends wedding the movie .. except I'm not Cameron Diaz, i'm Loser Roberts meh ) .
Granted they have a self declared fear of commitment in common , but I somehow find myself being this amazing beautiful driving force in their lives that makes everything better ... and when it IS better - they run... to some usually tiny, cute completely opposite of me woman and I end up feeling like Frankenstein too big, too sensitive, too scary. Because I'm tall, charismatic with a great rack.... really ... it's pretty awesome.
I think I might just really be kinda little bit doomed.... Or .... yeah no other theory for now
Ooooh you're in the right place, May!
I met a guy 2 years ago and we really hit it off. He seemed really into me and I liked him, but over time it became obvious he was always trying to keep it casual. He'd even described his prior dating life and nothing more than casual relationships. Because of my own issues, I could never get passed that for some reason. Even after i broke it off with him (for the third time, I might add), I still felt like I was waiting for him to get it together and come looking for a second chance. It turned into me never truly letting go. Every couple of months we'd even see each other, but it never went back to the way it was when we first met. Eventually I told him this pattern made me feel bad and I didn't like it and he said he understood. And then for some reason, I saw him one more time after that. We didn't sleep together, but it wasn't for lack of him thinking we would and me shutting it down (and probably sending extremely mixed signals, and having "a conversation" on top of it all... ugh). That was 5 months ago. Seems that shortly after that encounter, he met some girl, started dating her, and made it "Facebook official" recently, and even brought her to xmas dinner with the family! I don't know whether to feel used and hate him or to hate myself. I had finally convinced myself that this guy was incapable of giving a real relationship to someone and it made me feel better about the fact that he never gave that to me, but now suddenly it's thrown in my face. It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me, that I don't bring that side of people out.
He's still the same person. Just because you see his highlights on Facebook, it doesn't mean that all of a sudden he turned into the perfect man, nor that his relationship is what you want for yourself. Don't fall into that trap.
Instead, figure out why you didn't let go when you knew deep down you had to. That's an important piece. Figure out why you would ever be willing to keep it casual with someone who doesn't want you when you want and deserve so much more.
Neither, J. There's nothing wrong with you. You knew, but then, we always do. Doesn't mean we listen or trust ourselves. You do bring that side of people out - but with the people who are you peeps, not the ones who were never capable of being yours to begin with. You wouldn't want them anyway!!
Yes this happen to me this year 2016 after we both lost our child a son he name Tristan Michael. I notice the signs evertime he's here in town he always takes his phone with him into the bathroom. We do live together for two years. We talk about marriage. He lost his wife for 24 years. I have him time to grieve his wife and his daughter who's 26. I respect him and his family alright met for two years. This women he claims he knows for years.. Its not right to cheat when we both lost our child and went out of town for 6 months and still going. But to see her. Why...what's wrong with me.
oh Linda, I'm so very sorry for your loss. How difficult to go through such a great loss and then this. Please know that there's nothing wrong with you, only that we always put these things on ourselves and let the judgement rest on us. He's going to be who he was always going to be - it's a myth and a lie that we believe we have to be the ones to change this or that we're not women enough to bring him around. This is him showing you more of who he is - this is the part that matters - where he goes and what he does when you're both hurting so much right now. Do you really want someone who can treat you like this? Your beautiful breaking heart deserves to be loved, to be respected and never to be cheated on. Ever.
Fell in love with my friend's ex's best friend and thought my life would change for the better forever because I had never felt such happiness and comfort.
That is until he started making excuses as to why we wouldn't suit being in an official relationship despite spending so much time together, all our friends knowing and me being cool with his siblings etc It was like he had a girlfriend but didn't know or want to accept it. We were on and off seeing eachother for over two years and because he was always a bit of a lazy bum, even during our 'off' periods, I'd help and encourage him to start taking life more seriously. Unlike me who still lives at home, he now has his own place and is making a good living.
I recently helped him secure a new well paid job and I've been unhappy in mine so I was trying to reach out to him for that same encouragement I'd given him and when I finally got hold of him he was really nonchalant and unpleasant then proceeded to tell me he's seeing someone new which explained his tone. Though I could of been rude, I killed him with kindness by congratulating him. All of a sudden his tone changed and then he tried to backtrack and be helpful by offering to help me find vacancies. This weird behaviour is what let's me know deep down he's not the one yet he knows no girl could ever replace how much of myself I gave to him because I've always supported him and been a positive force in his life.
Chemistry does not determine your compatibility with someone and as much as I want to be there for him I know it'll only be a matter of time before he's draining me emotionally and I don't deserve that.
This article helped me to confirm that. Thank you.
No, you don't deserve that, Gigi. I'm so glad this helped to confirm what you already knew. See that? You already knew. Trust yourself. That moves more mountains and creates more possibilities than anything you can ever do.
I dated him for 6-months and during that time I thought our relationship was naturally progressing into something serious but at the end it didn't. I feel responsible for allowing this to continue as long as it did. Turns out he is deciding to go back with his ex the mother of his child do be more involved in the child's life. He claims he's having to put up with her bs in order to be in his sons life. In all honesty she's using the child as a pawn to get what she wants from him. It's hurtful and painful and I wasted 6-months of my life with this man and at the end I got dumped. There were a few red flags I ignored which I would've walked out sooner. Love is truly blind. They're happy and I am mourning the relationship. I am sure he still has strong feelings for this woman despite the fact that she put him through hell by cheating and having an affair with his friend and walking out ok him.
I met my 'first love' when I was 18 he was 21 and a brother of a very good friend of mine. He seemed really keen at first but then for the next two years he couldn't make up his mind of whether he wanted to be with me and he kept telling me he liked me but couldnt commit to a relationship. I then went to University and was devastated when he got into a committed relationship with someone ( she was quite a bit younger than me). He then moved to Australia with this girl but after two years they split up and I had a message from him telling me he was coming home, he came home and as we are part of the same friendship group I saw him quite a lot, he said he had made a lot of mistakes with me and that he wanted to try again, I said no at first but then we started seeing each other again ( again he never wanted to quite commit) and then a few weeks ago he turned up to a social gathering with his new partner ( again a lot younger and very different to me). I have since blocked him from all forms of communication but I still have this horrible pain about why he couldn't commit to me but could again commit to others (twice). It has been six years in total since we met so it also feels like such a waste.
My story is the following, I recently re-encounter a girl for whom I felt a strong chemistry at first sight about 3 years ago.
After randomly meeting this girl for the first time we didn't exchange contacts, but then we randomly saw each other again and I realised that she had a boyfriend with whom she was living. I accepted the fact, became friend with her boyfriend and never interfered in their relationship.
After some months we randomly saw each other and she told me that their relationship was not going well and asked me where was I hanging out and told me that she never knows about me. Again, I didn't tell much about myself at that point because I respected both of them. After like 2 months she invited me for an exhibition and I felt very happy, replied positively as I thought that their situation was clear, but suddenly she told me that she left the exhibition earlier than she expected and that she would invite me later, haven't heard from her for a long time.
Due to my work instability I returned to my country for 16 months.
Some months after being back to my country I wrote to this girl, asked her how she was doing, and she replied to me months afterwards saying that she missed my presence and so on. I wrote back to her immediately and she didn't reply...
Months afterwards, in september, I congratulate her for her birthday, she replied "My dear, I would love to see you again, I will be in Edinburgh in mid November and would love to see you, think about that".
I made a fairy tale out of my head, thought about it and wrote to her in October saying that going to Edinburgh for a weekend wouldn't suit me because it would be too expensive but that I could visit her in the city where she was living as I still had stuff do to there and could possibly maybe spend some weeks there.
She told me "I have to tell you something, there were changes, I will leave this country in order to live with my boyfriend, I have to figure out if he is the man of my life. But you can still come and stay for a few weeks if you wish"
I told her that I made a totally different story out of my mind and that it wouldn't make sense to visit her... I told her that I was even afraid of visiting her for the fact that we could get well along with each other and for me there would be no meaning of moving back to that country without a job. She replied "we are so naive, like children, I thought the same"...
Now the funny part, I found a job and returned to the country and city where we were both living and that she left in order to live with her boyfriend. After few months upon my return she returned as well, I knew that she was around but didn't tell her anything. She saw me in the street and wrote to me, we met, she told me that her relationship didn't work out. We suddenly got involved, for her I was already the man of her life, and although I like this girl, I am used to be single since a long time and somehow felt like being drag into something very quickly... then she even confessed about the day in which she invited me for an exhibition, she told me that she didn't invite me again because in that day she started a new relationship and that she thought that we were just friends...
The situation is, although I like this girl I felt easily suffocated since the beginning of this relationship, felt a lot of expectations and somehow obligations coming from her side, and I didn't and still don't know how to manage.
I confronted her with the fact that she is jumping from relationship to relationship and she felt pissed off and even cried when I mentioned that. She never wanted to assume that she thought about me as more than a friend when she was previously in a relation and invited me to see her...
Since we started seeing each other I suffered from anxiety, I didn't feel prepared to match her needs, I felt more attracted to other women than when I was alone, I felt the need of being free and uncompromised as I am used to be since a long time, mixed feelings... I was sincere and told her everything that was going through my head, she cried already several times.
During this 3 months in which we were in contact this relation oscillated in circles, but last time I decided to put an end for obvious reasons...
To say that this whole situation provoked me a lot of mix feelings, lots of anxiety and during these days I am recovering from all that...
I think of this girl tenderly but didn't feel prepared to give want she wants and I actually think that she is the one rushing, wanting commitment and reassurance since the beginning, and although the relationship has improved since then and she stopped being so pushy I always felt her expectations regarding myself and this relationship.
Would like to know your opinion about it.
It sounds like you've got this figured out, John. Time to find someone on the same page as you who takes things slow and doesn't have anyone else living with them. You deserve nothing less!
I was a freshman in college and had been seeing this guy for two months and he was amazing. Then as soon as talk of something more came up he bolted. I didn't see him for the summer but we sometimes sent flirty messages and I thought something more would happened. When we got back for the next year, he said he had sort of been seeing someone but he thought about me and wanted me. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple weeks and we had a big fight in which he told me he had feelings but couldn't act on them right now because he was with someone else. We since parted ways but have had a few conversations in which he said he didn't want a relationship ever in college whereas he felt I did and he wasn't and would never date the girl he was with. How does one begin to get over that after hoping for it for so long?
There is no "sort of been seeing someone", Isabella. Hearing someone say he doesn't want a relationship needs to become our reality, too, and not just his. We get over these guys by focusing on what's real, not on what's our own fantasy. Easy? Never. Necessary? Always! You deserve nothing less than real!
Thank you for sharing this Jane and trying to help other people. You are special.
Going through it since April. His words said he wanted all the same things I wanted but when it started getting emotional, on both sides, he started shutting down. We have so much in common but it's like he was hesitant to be emotionally vested, i believe due to his being cheated on in his previous relationship with his youngest child's mother. Within weeks of us ending our dating he was in a relationship with another girl. But he doesn't seem too "attached" to her and has recently started following me again on FB. I don't know what to think.
We use to work together and he would frequently talk and flirt with me but never ask me out. Well we finally did start seeing eachother and soon enough he essentially broke up with me saying he didn't want anything serious. Afterward, he would contact me regularly and I would respond. Well fast forward to now, it's been about a year and a half and he is with someone new yet he still contacts me regularly. I want to be his friend but I have a feeling this situation is already out of hand.
I would have sent his gf screen shots then cut him off. Guys like that deserve to be exposed
My ex told me he can't be with just one woman. Then he starts dating someone else. Within two months he tells me he thinks he made a mistake and that what we had was better for him. Then he tells me that he is confused because he runs from commitment and all he seems to want is sex and because he feels I'm his best friend he doesn't want to hurt me. I told him that I want to find happiness with someone who values me...I'm sick everyday though and he is still with her.
Yikes. You don't want this guy. He's not a good choice. Let him go.
We have known each other for 18 yrs. Never had a relationship but the feelings were there.we decided last summer to try. I live in a different state. So I went to him home we spent 8 wonderful weeks. Everything was fine we had no arguments lots of laughs. We were both very comfortable about our selves. We talked openly. I felt him one day he didn't seem himself I asked he didn't have a answer .summers over still texting talking all day all night saying I love you. Then last month he said he is looking to date and he tried to have sex but it didn't feel right, I asked what's that mean and he never answered. This weekend he said we needed to talk he is going to date some girl. I feel apart I became irrational he didn't comfort me. He said I couldn't even stay at his house knowing I have no one in his state. I asked for my stuff and he ignored me. I'm lost he still won't talk to me. How do you love and care for someone then turn your back on them and leave them in pain not hurt but pain.
Because he doesn't love you. What you just described is not love.
Move on.
I'm devastated some days. Others days I think I'm fine. I gave him the elbow 2 years ago after finding out he was dating someone but still wanting to hook up with me. He continued to flirt with anything behind her back but moved in with her shortly after. And I'm just here left behind. I cannot process what happened. Like I say most days I'm ok. Tonight I'm in tears missing him or the idea of who I thought he was. Or maybe just missing having a meaningful relationship in my life.
Things were lovely. We'd known each other for decades (old schoolmates) and were romantically/sexually involved for half a year. One day he left for a doctor's appt while I was sleeping; he left a love note to me. I haven't seen him since. He "ghosted" me and since practically the day after the note he's been dating and then living with another woman, the "nicest woman in the world" (I'm pretty nice, I think.) It took 6 months for me to be able to eat, and coming up on 2 years now, I'm still wracked by why things happened that way. It was lovely -- and then he was gone. And now he's blissfully happy with her, and I'm alone and still pretty broken. He won't talk to me and I don't want to want to talk to him but I do. I go through the motions of living, but that's all.
I'm so sorry, Mimi. It's the hardest thing in the world to accept with out hearts what our minds can only see. Look for the little glimpses of you again, buried under the weight of what you've taken on that was never yours to carry. No matter who he was, no matter what he seemed to be, there's a story of you that's still waiting to be told that's so much more than the motions of living but about a life that deserves to be lived out loud. You deserve nothing less!
Thank you for your blog! My friend sent it to me, since I'm in a throws of withdrawal. The young guy (12 years my junior) pursued me for a couple of months, then one day came onto me pretty professionally and strong. I just went through a year long divorce and horrible gaslighting by my ex of 12 years. So my bottom line for the next guy was supposed to be 1)no addictions, 2)no emotional unavailability (look at past relationships and patterns), 3) good character -no prior cheating (unless went through therapy and realized what an entitled act it was), no lying and stealing. Seemed easy right? The young fellow tells me that he was arrested several times for weed possession, he smokes copious amount of weed, drinks too much, gambles once in a while, doesnt pay his bills, overall a bad boy, and not ready to stop the trouble. So after I tell him to stay away from me (since I’m pretty fragile at the moment due to my past experiences) of course he goes harder after me. He also says he wants no-strings attached relationship, because he doesnt know what he wants and he just wants to live each day like its the last. SO HE NEVER PROMISES ANY RELATIONSHIP TO ME. And eventually wears me down (don't know how). So in my tiny brain I go “yeah, maybe I’ll just have sex with the guy… its been a while”. A month forward - I’m completely addicted to this man. He’s withdrawing, sensing that I have a little stronger feelings than he’s comfortable with. He’s starting to text less and overall not as interested. Of course I press on and am told bluntly, that spark never developed, and yes he can continue having sex with me, but whats the point, if his interest cooled off. I cannot believe my ears (because it was SO GOOD) and remember him saying in the beginning “if I ever start thinking of you too much and needing you, I will run away or push you away” . So I hold on to this notion like it’s my last breath. I beg to be his friend (because withdrawal feels like I need a heroin shot), I beg to just show up at his apartment and bring a bottle of wine and play cards. He says “not going to lie to you, but I’m talking to 3 girls, and took 1 on a few dates” . OMG! Its been 12 days since he broke it off with me!! I’m absolutely devastated. Overtime he told me so much about himself, he would freak out that I know too much and he would become too vulnerable and lose control with me. He also told me i know more about him than anyone else in the world. I heard some crazy secrets. So what possibly made him run away? I also am not sure if he’s lying about seeing other girls. Because he’s a socially awkward , so I don’t see how he can pick up girls that fast , since in the past 2 years I was the only woman he connected with. Is it possible he has withdrawal from me too, thats the reason he jumps into other relationships right away? I am reading “how to break addiction to a person” and its an amazing insight at how disordered I personally am. But I can’t seem to shake off the feeling of just wanting to be in his presence, even if he doesn’t want me. It’s like the time stops around him.
He had girlfriends before me and we were really close so it seemed and then he started distancing and saying he didn't want a relationship but I thought if I held on and had patience he'd change his mind, eventually I gave up after arguments of him clearly going astray and seeing other girls. Shortly after I stopped talking to him he got in a committed relationship again with a girl who he's proud to show to the world and show he loves and I've found it difficult to deal with mainly because I've felt it's somehow a reflection on my own worth. This has helped a bit as she probably is more busy than I was
It's not a reflection of your worth, Bee. You're the only one who brings that story to the table. Change it - or better yet, refuse to believe it and tell yourself the real truth - and it's gone. See how we do this to ourselves?
What makes some of us angry is why in the heck do they get whatever they wanted and we get NOTHING? He put me through hell, treated me like dirt, and like most of these guys ghosted and didn’t have the audacity to have a conversation or say he’s sorry then he gets someone else that’s everything he wanted. He gets to have his cake and I got nothing. Here I had moved on and didn’t care about him anymore, I’ve been trying to date for 3 years to get what I deserve and did a ton of work on myself and all I’ve attracted are a bunch of wastes of time and duds to the point that at 34 I have given up on love all together bc the thinking positive has done nothing but through more losers I’ve had to walk away from. Yet wait god rewards these losers with all they wanted after they treated us like trash? Where is the justice in this. It makes me sick and angry. And here I’ve praid to god for years for a decent man only to get a bunch of losers like him and he gets whatever he wanted like nothing. It’s total bs.
I hear you, Sara. Oh I've been there, girl. So have most of us. Here's a previous post I wrote for all of us on exactly what you're talking about. Hang in there. It gets better. So glad you found your way here!
If a man doesn't commit to a woman it's beacause she is not the one, period. Its not that he just doesn't want to commit, it's that he doesn't want to commit to her. It's called, he's just not that into you. He will commit to someone else. Trust me I learned from all this from my fiancé, who was a total player before he settled down. He didn't commit to the girl before me because he said she wasn't pretty enough, she was really nice, but not attractive. He felt bad, but just could not commit to her.
I find even the players who settle down are still the same person. A leapord doesn’t change its spots. I’ve seen it time and time again. They are usually narcissists and love bombing someone and all of a sudden commit to someone but believe me they are still selfish and can’t see beyond themselves, they just found someone who will tolerate their crap.
This sounds good to us and probably something that most of us want to hear, but what if the other woman was a better version of us? What if it doesn't have anything to do with giving him his freedom and their relationship not being very intimate?
I had true feelings but he was always uncertain, keeping me hoping for more. He went away for a couple of weeks and said he fell for someone. Breaks my heart. I feel like I wasn't enough.
Yes i truly understand how any woman could be hurt about a man whom she's crazy about and he some place els wow I just try to stay focused and not worry myself. ..
I know that i am over a year late reading this article but it speaks volumes to me. I had this very thing happen to me with a guy that I had been dealing with for over a year and then one day he just disappeared and a few weeks later I found out that he had made another woman his girlfriend. Initially I was so down and depressed about this, constantly wondering what I did wrong or what was wrong with me that I had invested so much time into him just for him to run off and be with another woman. Eventually though, I realized that it was not me at all. I had standards, I required things of him. I was not nagging when I wanted to know what course the relationship was taking, I simply wanted to know so that I would not be following someone blindly. It is easy to feel like a failed relationship is your fault but I have realized that if you really look closely, you'll find more reasons to be grateful that it did not work out, than reasons to blame yourself.
So glad this resonated with you, Brittney. We can take on so much that is never ours to take on! Thank you for sharing. Love this - "more reasons to be grateful that it did not work out, than reasons to blame yourself." - Yes, exactly!
It's a shame I haven't found this website 1 and a half year ago... I have been TRYING SO HARD to make things work with him... I really believed that I can change him...that I can show him that I am worth changing for. The colder he got, the more I tried. He would disappear for weeks; he would say he's coming over but never showed up. He would say he'll call the next day and just didn't without a word, never any explaination. I just pretended that it didn't hurt me. But as time went on, I just couldn't keep up the fake smile... during this time, I told him a few times that I can see this is not working for him and it's OK, let's not see each other anymore...every time he would get sad, would ask me if he can still call me..I would say no. Then 2 weeks would pass, I live like a zombie... and then all of a sudden he would appear... so acting like he changed his mind...so acting like he actually thought it over... but nothing would change. I accept crumbs. Nothing else, and ervery time he came back, he would give me just a morse more of these crumbs. Dinner together...? Never. Going to the movies...? Only 1 time. Going out on an actual date other than sex...? Never.... I am trying so hard to get over this. I am trying to figure out WHAT made me fall for him so hard...and why I couldn't hate him for treating me like this... He's 47 .... never been married, doesn't have kids. And I thought there is something wrong with me.
That's the first place we go, Agnes - to believing "there's something wrong with me"! oh the trying so hard! I hope you're seeing you're not alone, and I hope you're finally seeing him - and the only way he's capable of being with you - in a clear light. Find your peace and the courage to let go in the acceptance of what is. While it may help to find the "what" and "why", the most important part is what you do with how this feels to you, with how it feels to live like this with someone who you're supposedly in a love relationship with. That's the part that really matters - what allowing yourself to live like this is doing to you!
He didn't commit to you because he is not meant to be in your life. No comparison or analysis. What is yours is yours.
Exactly, Jackie.
Dear Jane, I'm actually struggling with this. I've been seeing this guy for four months now - but he's just not ready to commit. He wants to take things slow, ease into it, because I am "the right girl for him" but he just isn't ready for a commitment and the responsibilities that come with yet. He told me that he didn't trust himself and didn't want to let me down in a relationship, so he'd rather not label it as such, keep seeing me, and only me, but have that space to do his thing, go out with his friends and what not. I've agreed for a while, I mean, we have such great chemistry, we can talk for hours about anything and everything, we have the best time together, everything feels so effortless with him... But I am ready for something more serious, and he isn't yet.
I figured that I can't keep fooling myself, pretending that this is the relationship that I want - so I plan on coming out clean to him, letting him know what I truly want, and probably ending things there. As much as it hurts to say, we're clearly not on the same page... I wonder if we'll ever be, because I truly feel that we have something incredibly special. But as for right now, I think that I have to let him go and I guess that only time will tell if it's meant to be or not. Thank you for sharing this article with us, it really spoke to me.
"You can never be happy for long pretending that you can live with who he is and what he wants if you don't want that life for yourself." - So true.
This is the article (and the replies) that finally spoke to me. I've been through a very painful 4 years being in love with a man who was/is not on the same page. I always remember saying, "I own my own home, two cars and a motorcycle, I make a six figure salary, have a 10 handicap on the golf course, and work out everyday. Why doesn't he want me?" It's funny to see those words now. I ended up nearly destroying my physical and emotional health trying to live on his page. I sold my house, took a huge pay cut and moved away from my life of 12 years to start a life with him. His lies and cheating drove my self esteem and self worth so far down a well of despair that I felt things I don't ever want to feel again. I lost nearly everything I was and had. The nagging part is that I felt like I was confident, secure, and grounded in who I was when we got together. So, at 50, as I start over I do not know which way to turn as my previous road to confidence, taking care of myself, emotionally and physically, led me to pain. I guess that is the answer I'm looking for. In what direction do I go now?
It was time, Deb. So glad this resonated with you. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this and don't look back at what you could have done differently. You're here now. You're free. Let go of the nagging part. You're still the same beautiful, confident women you've always been. Now, you choose you. You find that little girl deep down inside you and you follow her lead. That's the real you. What makes you happy? What are you passionate about? What makes you feel loved, secure, happy outside of what anyone else can give you? This one's going to come from you.
Go where you're loved. Be around like-minded people who bring you up, not down. Stay away from the negative. Hobbies, passions, activities that make you feel alive and truly you? Sounds like you've discovered some of these in your life before; rediscover them again. Don't let anyone or anything limit you; this is your time, you're free now.
Free to be you. Free to create your own beautiful life, regardless of the past. Don't let it nag at you. Don't get caught up in the if only's or what could/should have been. Be so gentle and loving to yourself - I know, it will feel foreign at times, but that's ok. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. The best is still to come, Deb. I know I'll be hearing wonderful, inspiring things from you! 🙂
This line concerns me - " this type of emotionally bereft relationship works for both of them" - this is a comfort to those wondering why their man chose to get more serious with the woman he started dating after you but ... comfort can be a very lazy way of not looking at why he left. There are some deceptive, toxic men out there - I've had my share of them and it is comforting to tell yourself he will NEVER get is as good as he had it with me. I do believe it is important to also remember good times and not fully blame the man. We look back and know we ignored our instincts or did one or two things that we would not do know. We have grown and need to keep growing not just assume we are so flawless that any ex is a total monster
So true, Fairycake. There are no monsters, just misunderstood and mismatched people who we give all our power away to and forget that they are simply humans just like us, doing the best they can with what they know.
I simply LOVE that reply Jane!! brought tears to my eyes.
aw, thank you, B. It's how we feel!
I can so relate to this article and it's helping me deeply come to terms with my 26yrs break that I'm only 6 months deep into. My ex is exactly like this now. In fact, I think to be honest he was like this for the last 7yrs of our marriage. Distant, non-committed to anything in our family life, including our daughter.
I've been able to see that clearer after a recent visit to Bali. I saw so many people coupled up I thought my heart would never be able to endure the vacation. Then I realised, so many couples I watched ...were me. Just going through the paces and I realised how lucky I am to have 'me' back. My dreams, goals, and ideas.
I could finally laugh, really genuinely laugh without meloncoloy.
I saw him recently, and he said 'I dont want all of this', in reference to family and a relationship. Back of my mind, I too thought, 'but why are you with her', then I got this article and realised... his space has no responsibilities, no challenges, no expectations. He can float along now without measure, even to himself and his newest 'love', suits him because he has no challenges to himself to commit to the responsibility of love.
So, I'm free. Finally. I see him no longer with rose coloured glasses. I actually feel sorry for him that his journey over 6 months is nonexistent, yet I've changed so drastically for the good of me.
Hang in their gals. If I can see this clearly after 26yrs of marriage and its disastrous demise, so can you.
Believe in yourself and please love yourselves its far far more important in the scheme of things in this life.
Namaste x
Beautifully said, TrinitynScotland! So glad this resonated so deeply with you. You are free!
Yes. Im going thru this now
Hope this helps, Rocio. You're not alone.
Hi Jane
This is a very good article and also it's great to have your perspective on emmotionally unavailable men. I've been involved with men like this previously.
I found that when first dating a man he will give some indication that he can't commit to a relationship . When he talks about previous relationships it's usually about how he couldn't fully commit to the woman.
One man I dated told me that his wife threw him out after 10 years of marriage because he was never available in the marriage. When he was in his 40s he couldn't commit to another woman who wanted to take the relationship further. He was happy in the moment and ended it when she wanted more.
I should have listened to these red flags as I got involved for a couple of years to a man that was never as he was always working or tied up with his previous two wives in alimony battles etc. He was never there for me and he eventually just disappeared without explanation. He is still single after seven years still looking for the perfect woman . His main belief is that woman are always out to punish him.
I couldn't have been a more patient girlfriend. This really woke me up to unavailable men. It's in the language when you first date them.
Now if a man mentions that he hasn't been able to commit to a woman in the past with no reason I see it as a red flag not to get involved.
At the time I was involved with this man two different woman gave me the same book within 24 hours so I saw this as a message for me. The book was called' Men who can't love ' by Sokle and Carter.
The thing is that in the beginning these men can be very charismatic and charming and lots of fun. They even tell you that it's the first time they felt like this in years. After the big chase and persistance it's the slow withdrawal to the point where you feel like there not there or only available when it suits them.
It's not good for the self esteem for a woman.
For any woman out there who is going through this with a man I say run for the hills.
So true, Gab. Because we always believe it can - and will be - so different with us. When you know what to look for, and are willing to look beyond the words and behavior that can at first, as you say, seem so very "charismatic and charming and lots of fun" to see what's really behind them, you see the red flags. But we first have to be willing to give up that fantasy, that possibility, that potential, that only we can see.
Hi
I've been reading a lot of the topics that come to my email and this one struck me the hardest. I've been with my guy for two and a half years. We are both in our forties and both never been married. We met through my brother and it started out as friends but there was a mutual attraction that everyone could see except us. It wasn't until someone took a picture of us sitting across from each other talking and by the way we were looking at each other it was now obvious what everyone was talking about. We 'get' each other and we let each other be ourselves. But after a couple months of us hanging out together all the time and him asking me all kinds of personal questions I started wondering what his deal was. He had never made a move on me but he acted like he was so interested and always gave me these 2 minute long hugs when we said goodbye, like he didn't want to let go. I finally confronted him and he said he didn't want a relationship. So I asked him what was going on then because he acted like he did and he said he liked me but wasn't ready. So I backed off but he kept calling and texting and wanting to hang out. I couldn't resist him, I really enjoyed his company, with or without the romance. I decided I wanted to stay in contact because if he did change his mind he was worth the wait and if he didn't he was still an awesome friend to have. I just let whatever was going to happen happen. Then one night after we had gone to a mutual friends party he wanted to spend the night. I said ok but he had to sleep on the couch. He said he wanted to sleep in my bed but he never touched me. He had never even tried to kiss me up until that point. So while I was laying there confused, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him again what was going on....this wasn't the way someone who doesn't want a relationship acted. He said he wanted to kiss me but was afraid it wouldn't stop there. I was so frustrated at that point that I told him I didn't care, just take a chance. So he did FINALLY and he was right, neither of us could stop with just a kiss. We've been so happy and inseparable ever since. We are best friends. But the last few months I've been expressing an interest to move forward ie. talk about our future. He says he's not ready and doesn't want to be pressured and that he moves slower than most guys ie. it took months before he would even kiss me. Sometimes he talks very freely about future plans and he says he already considers me his partner and introduces me as such but when I want to talk about it he says he doesn't know if he wants to live together. I asked him what has changed and he said nothing just that he thinks 'we're' not ready. I tell him I don't mean it has to happen right away, I just want to know that he wants the same things I do because, once again, I am getting confused by his mixed messages. He says I need to relax and just let things happen when and the way they are supposed to. I try really hard but I'm not a patient person and sometimes I think I put to much pressure on him and that's why he withdraws. Then I try to pull him back in and the tug of war is on. I've tried withdrawing and doing my own things but as soon as I do that he has a way of pulling me back in. I don't think I know how to be on my own but still be with him. Three years earlier I was in an 11 year relationship with an alcoholic and yes I was co-dependant. I went to counselling after I left and spent a lot of time just having fun with friends and not looking for anything serious. I thought I was ready to start a new relationship. Even though we don't live together I spend most of my time at his place because he works nights and sleeps til 1 so he can't sleep in at my place because I live in a basement suite. Sometimes we go a day or two without even seeing each other because of his shifts but he always calls me on his way to work and sends me texts throughout the night (he's a truck driver so not allowed to call me) to keep in communication. I think I have a hard time distinguishing what I am to him and where I should be I because of my last relationship where we lived together almost right away. And I want that back so badly but he makes me feel like it's wrong to want to move in together so soon. I guess I don't feel like it's too soon. He's an amazing person but he can be so closed off when it comes to emotional stuff sometimes. I should also mention he was physically and emotionally abused by his parents growing up and when he was in his 20's his fiancé cheated on him with his best friends brother and his sisters fiancé. He also had a child when he was in his early 30's, who he hasnt seen in 9 years because the mother took him to court, which he won, but then she appealed and made up a bunch of lies. He was so emotionally and financially drained and had no support so he walked away. I can understand why he withdraws sometimes as I don't think he's fully over any of that stuff, if that's even possible. So I'm wondering how do I show him I want to spend the rest of my life with him without freaking him out and him withdrawing? How do I get him to give me more emotionally? How do I get him to commit without losing myself or driving him away with my insecurities?
Thanks for listening
Cori
PS. Sorry it's sooooo long. 🙂
Hi Cori,
My very limited experience and knowledge has shown me this: you can't make anyone do anything. Either they're in or they're out. You want to share your life with someone, he's been saying he's not ready and doesn't move forward. Two people on two different pages. He's doing what works for him, as Jane tells us. The question is: why hang on to a guy who won't commit for whatever reason instead of just going out and meeting someone who's ready and wants what you want with you? He may have all the issues in the world, and it's great that you're understanding. But that's not your job to take on. Every one of us has to take care of their issues and get over them or do whatever it takes to move on if it's what we want. Why doesn't he?
Please don't let your attachment fool you. Ask your instincts. What do you want for yourself? Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, your life is your own. Take it back and roll with it. Hugs
Beautifully said, Angel. You've got this down. 🙂
It's not too long when you have so much to say, Cori. 🙂 Wow. He's got a lot of reasons to be emotionally afraid to open up, to let you in, to let his emotional guard down. A lot. Your actions have probably already told him how much you want from him, and this is why you sense that push and pull response from him. When it gets too much - when you get too close, he pulls back. When he feels back in control again, he comes back. What you're seeing is who he is, it's what works for him, it's what his comfort level is.
Space is key; letting him lead is what will make him comfortable with as much emotional closeness as he's capable of, but this isn't really about him as much as it's about you. You know he can "freak out" and "withdraw". You know it can get too real - and you can get too close. Can you do this? Can you be with him on his terms? That's the question. Take away your illusions of changing him because that takes us down a road we're not meant to go down. Can you live with the reality of what is?
If you can, if he's worth it, if that wounded soul in him gives you reason to want to save him, don't do it for those reasons. Do it because he gives you something, too. Do it because it's enough for you. And make sure it's more than crumbs. And then keep living your own life, creating a life that you love outside of him.
Don't stop because he seems like he's there, or close. He may never get there.
Acceptance is what this is about. And if you can accept who he is without trying to change him, and accept your own needs and desires without making them wrong or feeling like there's something wrong with you, you might have a chance. But it may be complicated. And in the end, it may never be what you want. But if you're willing to take that chance, do it with your eyes wide open, Cori. You deserve, oh how much you deserve to be loved.
Wow Jane, this is a brilliant article, I never looked at it from such a clear and straight forward perspective. Thanks for sharing 🙂
You're so welcome, Sky11. I'm so glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
This makes alot of sense. It still hurts though. I have poured my life into one whole year with a man who just wants best friend status for now. We act like a couple. We do everything together. We travel. We visit. We eat and clean house together. We do the couple things without physical affection. He gives big hugs and only a peck of a kiss and thats it. We live in separate houses less than 5 minutes apart from each other. But he still likes the idea of hvg friendships with other females in texting and I find myself so jealous. I love him. I want to be with him As a couple. But it hurts to not be more than a best friend. And i don't know how to separate myself from him to not just wait. Like he wants too. But we still do the couple routine daily. What am I to do? The more I talk about these things the less he gives back. So i refrain and hold back my feelings ever so often. I can't change my heart from loving him to only a best friend. And everyday it hurts. bc I know he will hv the other girls to text even though he sees me daily. He talks to them daily without contac. This just seems messed up to me.
Get out, Renee. That's precisely why he doesn't move forward. You're always there and you're making it clear you want him. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it breaks my heart because I've been there and trust me, it doesn't work. Your sense of self worth and self esteem are down the line. Get busy with your life. Shift your focus. See other men, focus on your goals, do other things away from him. Stop doing couple things as you call it. It'll drain you- Don't be like me and stay where you're not being appreciated and claimed. It'll only waste your time, energy and emotions down the line.
Hugs.
It seems messed up to you because it is, Renee. You can see this so clearly, even if you don't want to. Of course you're jealous. That's what those feelings are for. To tell you unequivocally that something isn't right here, that something needs to change. He has no reason to do anything different because, wow, look at what he's getting from you while giving you nothing - literally nothing - in return.
You don't deserve this. Of course the more you talk about it the less he gives. He knows. You can change your heart from loving him when you dig a little deeper to see what there isn't there to love. What part of this is about love except in the fantasy of your own beautiful heart? Love isn't about walking on eggshells, afraid to be your true self, to say what you want to say, to do what you want to do, to live your life in such a way that you can keep receiving what little crumbs he's giving out.
Come into the light where love is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and live that kind of love out loud every single day. That's where you belong. He's going to keep on doing what works for him. But what about you?
I think sometimes there may be more to it then just giving him space. In the past two years I was a very low maintenance gf. I genuinely wanted a very low profile relationship ( for good reasons). My bf lived in a different city. All I was doing is replying his messages and coming to see him once a month. I was no trouble at all. I did not nag him to marry me or anything of that kind. I guess he was happy with me to some extent. He was even talking about comittment, was just not quitedoing it yet. Untill one day I saw his wedding pictures posted on FB just like that out of the blue. So I decided the proper thing to do would be to congratulate him and wish him all the best, right? And I did. In response he said that he still was going to consider seen me, which I was quite surprised! In fact he said whatever his marital status had no effect for him on his relationship with me at all. He still wanted us to ne "more then friends". Yet, he unfriended and even blocked me on Fb. Needless to say, I was all confused. He told me he was forced into this marriage by his family. He also said that he hated his wife and they were not getting alone. He said his friends and family would not talk to him, unless he agreed to marry her. As for him, he did not know her much and he did not want to know her much. In fact soon after marriage they got separated and she was living with his mother, while he was living on his own in a different city.
I know, when I was younger I would tell the guy:" You chose, either it is me or it is her/them your family."But I have already been in a situation where a guy would choose me and then we would be suffering from constant clashes and problems with them, his family. They would be ridiculing and sabotaging me in every possible way untill I had enough and left. Did I want this situation to repeat? Probably not. So I just told him that I also met somebody else and could not see him anymore.
In fact I thought perhapse at least on the surface the other girl looked like she was a better match then me, except on the inside she wasn't. I am still curious to see how all this will turn out. But just because he chose her it does not necessarily mean thatshe is the lucky one. In the few short months since her wedding she maybe had her honeymoon with the guy for a couple of days or weeks, then has been through misundertandings, quarrels, then she was abandoned and cheated on. While I met a guy way more attractive then him and even got a marriage proposal from an old friend.
I remember the movie "The truth about Adam", where the guy Adam had relationships with several sisters, all at different stages of their lives and with different needs. One sister wanted marriage, the other wanted sex and the third wanted a crazy unconventional romance. The same guy managed to safisfy them all by giving each sister exactly what she wanted. I guess my guy was going to do the same thing if I was nit so set in my ways and so convinced that dating a marrued man is way below what I deserve. But some guys have their own needs and they might not be able to satisfy all three sisters, so true in that case they pick the one they can keep happy, while they might secretely crave the other two. And while they make their decisions and choices we should understand that we have our rights to make ours too.
And while we may think that if only we could be patient, if only we could give him distance he needs, if only we were less needy and demanding our relationships with men woukd be perfect. Nonsense! Maybe our relationships with wring men, who do not want any committment or challenge would be great, but then again, those are not real relationships, or at least not the kind of relationships we want. A guy who wants the real thibg shoukd nit be afraid of some challenges and demands, should understand and respect our needs, and not call us needy, and a fair amount of argument and tension is also a normal part of a healthy relationship. A guy who can not handle it deserves a rubber doll, not a real woman.
Exactly, Nina. "And while we may think that if only we could be patient, if only we could give him distance he needs, if only we were less needy and demanding our relationships with men would be perfect. Nonsense!" Real is exactly what we want; the rest is that oh so addictive fantasy, cultivated by years of subconscious programming that blindsided most of us with the most heart-wrenching of heartbreaks. That we live through it - and yes, we always do no matter how much we think we can't possibly survive without him! - to tell our stories is a beautiful tribute to how powerful, how strong we really are, on the other side of heartbreak.
Wow this really hits home. I have been dating in the alpha male on and off the last 9 months. The first time we started dating he was in Unsettled in his job. everything starts great at first. He's been single for long time. and the fact that he's been divorced twice. Has always made me a little uneasy. I've been with widowed twice. the first time he broke up with me. Said he was getting back with someone else that he really liked. apparently that didn't work out in a few months later he started pursuing me. I really like most things about him he's very determined, very motivated, very sexual great looking, opens the car door every time. I like the fact that we're both 52. When he worried about him is that he is very very disciplined. about 3 weeks ago he told me that my daughter and I were one of his first priorities. he talks about that he would like to do to change some things around my house. We have great chemistry. He'll text and call twice a day. then he'll just pull away decide l want to be alone which is fine but then we go back to one night here a week one night there. the second time we got back together and be very clear I wasn't looking for a f*** buddy and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
one thing I know for sure when a guy really likes you he'll make time for you even if its just a text or phone call here and there at least every day. I'm really in love with him he's making me nuts. and told him I wanted to go back to the casual dating
Only you know if it's enough for you, Mary Lynn. You're learning more about him, he's showing you more of who he is. Now it's your turn to take a step back and see the reality of what that looks like in your everyday reality. Do what you need to do for you. Focus on you. Create your own beautiful life and fill your own cup so full, so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't make or break you. That's the only way I know to be truly happy, in a relationship or not. Don't allow yourself to be nuts over anyone or anyone's actions - you're worth way, way too much!
BRAVO Jane!!! You have went and did it again!!! The best article when you ask God for a word be prepared to receive it!!! I was just feeling this emotion this morning (really for over a year now) I have been fighting this emotion for so long...what she have that I did not...what did she do that I could not...what is wrong with me...I was not pretty enough, educated enough or financially stabled enough all of this was tormenting me!! All the people that loved me were saying he was not good enough for you and I keep saying he is the CREAM of the CROP and found out my cream turned into a LIAR and a man with no integrity or character :(!!
But this article has blessed me today!! The answer is so simple: SHE IS NOT ME!! you said a mouth full right there!! She is giving him something that he wants money and space, not asking questions, allowing him to do his own thing whenever and however he choices. I know he is a liar but one thing I do not think you lied about when he stated "we cannot be together because you want a WHOLE person and I am not a whole person". That is exactly what I want a WHOLE person!! As I look back I was not totally HAPPY I was miserable most of the time, worrying who he was with, what was he doing and doing it with. Was he telling me the truth or was he lying. He could not be trusted!! But today that is not my story!!! Now that is there story....a tiger does not change their stripes. I am so GREATFULL he left me because I was not smart enough to leave him!!! I have my POWER back and I am FREE!!! ENOUGH SAID!!!
So glad this resonated with you exactly when you asked for it, Real Davis. "The answer is so simple: SHE IS NOT ME!!" - Exactly! You are free!
OMG Jane, this just happened within the last three weeks. I emailed you explaining what happened, but I didn't update you with what I found out and basically your article.
I chose to push him to change or leave because I started to feel alone, I felt this was an emotionally abusive relationship. But after a rage argument where I clearly awalys stated what we both wanted, he was seeing someone else only to publicise on facebook after a week that he was committing to this girl.
And exactly, I made sure we had intimate moments, intimacy is essential for healthy life, healthy mind, healthy soul. My culture thrives and succeeds on intimacy. We find that's why we have no voids in our beings. We are very loving. But I can't stand furthermore I DONT UNDERSTAND people who are emotionally unavailable. I don't get how they can have no warmth in their heart. Love is beautiful, connection. So with my recent ex, as much as he wanted it, he couldn't take the intensity of my love, he felt it was too much. Even though I was not forcing or smothering him. I am me. Your right, he did want someone who was a bit colder but still loving, but he did not want to involve or merge in a union, the union where two people can be two and become one at the same time. Yes I saw the pic on facebook. I was upset, but as we know many people show off on facebook. With no intimacy in their real life, which has led to many people breaking up or cheating. As social media builds detachment loneliness.
Thank you for this article. I needed this, its like you are writing for me most of the times. You have great insight and a gift. I do not always agree with all your blogs, but most are spot on.
AND yes I google a lot of articles to find the answers to why things don't work out, to help my heart, to find ways to move on. To understand the type of people. But no matter what we search, analyse we cant manipulate or predict life. We have to live, go through struggles the ebbs and flow. That is life, that gives us strength to be survivors to succeed.
thank you Jane
In the beginning he wanted all that, he came to me for intimacy, but felt it was real. I was becoming miserable, from his immaturity whining, his lack of able to make a decision to stick to it. The funny thing is I knew what I deserved and I stood up for myself up from one to the end. I gave him his space and never put it on him , or force him. He just realised he wasn't capable of giving that type of intimacy back. As much as it hurt as I wanted to be with him, I saw the reality that this guy is emotionally toxic, and I don't want to feel alone or act like I don't care and in the end I realised I don't want a life or a partnership with this guy. Just being with him was a struggle, thinking he may change. But it was too much and draining my joy. And no one is worth that. I was sad when we split but only because of the fantasy, and still am in some way. But reality I knew he was not the right one and could not be mature for a real intimate relationship . I do not want to be her as I escaped a real life sentence who was and can be immature, toxic and self destructive. He wanted to change, but we both knew he couldn't. She has to accept his crap, I don't no more, his problems are not mine THANK GOD. I can't look after a manchild, I want to have my own children. I need a partner who can appreciate real intimacy to build a healthy relationship. I AM GLAD I ESCAPED, GOOD LUCK TO HER! I am not her, and she sure aint me, but she may wish to be me or us, the ones who escaped ladies. REMEMBER THAT WE ESCAPED, WE DODGED A BULLET, WE ESCAPED A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND SUFFERING. Life is tough as it is lets wait to meet and appreciate a real partner who can take on life together and enjoy the beautiful union
Exactly, MB. He's not (worth it) and you did (dodged a bullet).
MB thank you so much for replying to this article because it is exactly what I needed to hear. Broken engagement from one day to the next...and he still wanted to be friends w/benefits! will admit did it for a little bit because in my heart I said maybe this will have him commit again. But finally got the courage to put a stop to that and realizing I deserve better.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, and confirmed what you already knew, MB. The reality can hurt so much, but personally, I'd always rather know what was really going on, than wonder what might be. Now you know for sure. You're free.
You were talking to me and now I feel free inside
So glad, Tlangelani. I never know exactly who I'm talking to, but I always sense there's someone just like you. Take that freedom and run with. There's so much more there for you!
My last crush from 2013 I was always wanting to see him n when I met him on 13 sep 2013 he said he would like a R-ship someday but I only saw him 2x n I wanted to see him more but he kept posponing coz work was always in his way n made excuses n cancelled 7x so then I wanted to see him in Nov 2013 but he wasn't around coz of work n gigs.
On NYE 2013 he unfriended me off Fb n I thought Why did he delete me, then a friend told me that my crush blocked my number but I never believed in my friend who told me coz I thought they will tell me lies
It's been 1 year n 10 days since I last saw him, when he ended the friendship he said that nothing happened to us n messaging would be easier n the go. So I left him alone n got out there in the real world n made new friends with strangers. When it came to my birthday I expect him to say happy birthday to me but it never happened n so I gave him a birthday msg on his birthday coz there was a reason n he replied "thanks..." N thought what does this mean? I expected him to say more but never did
So last year I left that guy alone n was in the back of mind when I was single the whole time.
As I met this new guy 21 Nov 2014 I was lil interested but came 2 Dec 2014 was I had my 1st date with the new fella n no1 else knew but on the 17 Dec I changed my martial status to in a relationship with this new guy. So I then thought of I'll make my crush jealous cos I'm with someone
So then I thought of making my crush my best friend coz if he's taken I'll still be his friend even tho I have a Bf (2 different guys)
So I'm kinda hoping my crush adds me back as a friend this year n will leave him alone coz of his gigs n work. I'll c my new guy more often.
Courtney
Why do you want to play games? How would you feel if your new BF did this??
As for the article, I stopped asking why her and not me. I know my self-worth
"I know my self-worth." Beautiful, Elisia.
You'll never have to guess or wonder about someone who's right for you, Courtney, because someone who wants to be with you will always make sure you're the first to know. Remember that you're the one doing the choosing, and choose someone who adds to your life and you happiness, not someone who takes away from it. You deserve to be loved for you, just as you are, by being your true self. If they want to be with you, if they can live with that, that's how you'll know if someone is truly right for you.
I think I have come up with my own answers as to what she has that I don't. She's not insecure (probably), she speaks up, she has her own person and she shows it. She asks for what she wants, she gets it. She looks different, she gets his language, she's not trying to bend herself into a pretzel to be something she's not. She's not shy, she's girly, she knows how it works for men.
I wasn't any of those things so evidently, he didn't like me. I was always available for him, I always went for what he liked; in other words I was trying to be a copy of him which is not attractive at all.
It was just an ill match. I wasn't myself around him. I was a filler gal. I dropped the ball taking care of myself and my own happiness and feelings. I stayed when he said several times and showed by his actions he didn't care about me.
It wouldn't have worked out ever or at all. I have too many issues to take care of before I even think about dating someone. Plus all this time I've been chasing a relationship, I've been blind to the fact that I'm afraid of commitment. Too many rejections and past woundings make it hard for me to even be myself around a man anymore.
I was just not a good fit for him at all. He knew it, he saw it. I didn't.
And in spite of everything you've said here, Angel, someone is going to adore this you that you are whenever he finds you, wherever you may be in your journey, whatever issues you still feel you have. You can never - ever - be too much or not enough for someone who is truly right for you. As one who still has my own issues, who still struggles with my own set of insecurities, who still has my own subconscious programming and still sees reality through my own conditioned lens, I can tell you that none of us is beneath being loved in spite of and because of every single one of these things. It's what makes us human - and just right for another human being.
Thank you, Jane. I needed that reminder. The idea of having to be something other than myself, my flawed self to be loved is so engrained in me, it just feels foreign to me to be cared about as is. It's hard when you don't seem to have any recollection of what that is, even if at some point in life it may have been there.
Thank you for your encouragement, your nurturing words and your presence. Big hug to you.
You're so welcome, Angel. Every time you put yourself first before that expectation of what someone else wants you to be, or expects you to be or hopes you'll be, you get closer to making this new way of thinking and being a habit. And then eventually, it doesn't feel so foreign at all. It's you. And it's been you all along, regardless of how it felt or what it seemed.
Angel
I have read all your words so eloquently spoken. You are stronger than you know. I have been right where you are. You know how powerful you are. Just show it! I envy your responses. I try to show them as well. Ive just recently met a man who is wonderful. I am being me. If he doesn't like it ill be ok. Im on vacation by myself right now and it feels wonderful. I think hes a little jealous. .but he should be. He had the chance and i think he wasnt sure. But i think when he aaw i waa going no matter what it excited him in some way. Whatever that means. Find you i know you have and love her
Beautifully said, Browneyedgirl. So glad you're enjoying your vacation - and feeling wonderful! As for your words for Angel, thank you. I couldn't agree more.
Thank you so much, Browneyed girl. That's exactly the place I want to be: being myself (finding myself) and just showing that and being ok if they don't like it.
I'm still reeling from the last experience and that's why I stumble. But I have started self discovery and seeing all the mistakes I've made, taking responsibility however hard it is. I'm glad you're calm, being you and moving forward regardless of this guy. A vacation sounds awesome right now. Enjoy yourself there and toast to all of us!! Big hug.
Yes, Jane, I have been through this type of heartbreak, however, we never were apart or even a hint of not seeing each other again it was while we were together and there were two not one. To me they are all jerks you can now stick me with a fork I'm done. How did he ever keep this going for so long not to mention the expensive of three women!
Thanks for listening.
I hear your pain, Maureen. And I'm always here to listen to you.
I was in a relationship like that for almost 8 months. I know he tryed to make it work but it was too much for him to handle. It took me a while to get used to the idea of not having him in my life. It is still painfull and I miss him but I decided that a no contact is the best way of healing for both of us. When it doesnt work it simply doesnt. Be strong ladies and wait for the love we deserve.
So true, Mahsitab. "When it doesn't work, it simply doesn't." And no amount of us bending over backwards, trying everything and anything to make that happen makes it work when we're the only ones who want it to.
Hi Jane
I was in one of these relationships almost two years ago. Started off ok (I'll admit in hindsite I see all the cues).
We dated I got upset when I didn't hear from him. We kept seeing each other we had great chemistry, I was welcome in his home. I even stayed at his house and looked after his cat when he took his daughter to Florida. He talked of a future together. He was definitely considering it with me. Then the strangest thing happened to me. I was staying over his place one night and I had a dream that he was seeing another woman and when I woke the next morning I knew things had changed (literally overnight)
Anyway as you can imagine, all the regular "I'm done with this relationship"things happened. Stopped calling, returning text messages, generally he disappeared.
I was heart broken but I moved on. Albeit kind of recklessly.
About a year goes by and he contacts me and we had a chat. He told me that we didn't "fit"
I finally understand what that means. But when I saw the pictures of the one who clearly"fit him" it hurt but I had moved on. But since I did care deeply for him there is no way to carry on a friendship.
Anyway, I do feel that my gut never fails me and when I look at my current relationship we are both on the same page and if I feel that he is pulling away (my silly head telling me stuff that isn't true) I talk to him about it and I always feel better. I'm not afraid to be open and honest about what I want and he listens.
It has only been three months but we are definitely building a friendship along with a relationship. it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, patience and respect to build something beautiful. He had a life becore me but has now fit me into it as have I.
He has become very supportive of my circumstances and is encouraging me to continue towards my goal with my kids. My stuff that could scare many away (miserable family court stuff with a vindictive ex).
Even though I want more, with time I can see a future with him. We bothhave our own stuff but we have accepted each other as is and arw building a foundation.
Thank you, Jane, for being so kind and gentle with your blog posts that keep us upright and focused on number one, our beautiful selves first. I know my insecurities creep up on me but when it comes to him I try to be clear with my feelings, wants and needs. Men are not mind readers you need to speak out loud clear and concise. If he runs, it wasn't meant to be.
Wow, you're powerful, Jen! You knew! Building a friendship along with a relationship is the way love is meant to be. It's the way something real builds into something beautiful, not just a one-sided fantasy. "If he runs, it wasn't meant to be". Exactly. And by staying in the reality of what is, not jumping ahead to that oh so powerful fantasy, you'll be ready for whatever that may be.
And so glad you're feeling what I'm sending out. Gentle, loving nudges. We're hard enough on ourselves; we don't need anyone to give us more of the same.
My story started over two years ago and I fell for a man that I really should have run a mile from. I look at relationships slightly differently now as I am an older woman in my sixties and not looking for a family etc., and to ' toot my own horn' I don't look or feel sixty and I love being active. One of my favourite occupations in the evening is dancing and that is where I met this man. He is the leader of a classic rock band and he started paying attention to me. It took a couple of months for us to get together but eventually we ended up in some sort of relationship and truly enjoyed each others company, then I lost my heart to him. A few months ago however he found someone else and he told me he could no longer spend any time with me as it upset her too much and she wanted him to commit to her and so he did. He broke my heart and life became very dull and I missed him terribly but I can see now how life with him would never have worked for me or him, we are way too different but that fact didn't stop me from having intense feelings for him and I still do although it is waning somewhat now and I am seeing him for what he truly is instead of the magical man I had in my head. I have since met another man and he is wonderful to me and I certainly appreciate it but the ghost of my rock band man is still in my head and I can't wait for the day when it has totally gone. The good thing about having these roller coaster emotions is that it proves one is alive and no matter what age one is, those intense, wonderful feelings still exist even after a long time of being married, having children, getting divorced etc., and hard as it is, it is worth the heartache. So my advice....for older women... is just to go with the emotions, experience them, feel the joy, cry as much as you need to and then move on to the next one.
Toot your own horn, Carol. Often! Love how you put this; there is so much life in being able to feel, to care, to give like we do. Yes, how much better to give, feel, and care like this with someone who's capable of giving every part of that back to you, but if he's not, don't let that bring you down! Celebrate you - in the midst of whatever he does or doesn't do - celebrate you! Beautifully said!
I kinda knew it but reading your words out loud definitely has bigger impact. Thank you Jane!
So glad to give you those words, LG. You're so welcome!
She kept me away from weekly family pow wows. She kept me in the dark about her retirement plans. She was very careful sharing other family issues, telling me about her son's dwi only after she could not hide it any longer from me. She was calling all the shots. Her last boyfriend was happy playing cards until dawn with buddies, going places and doing things without her. She would meet him at places, even though they lived together. They were both happy meeting at places and effectively living separate lives. But it was only a good relationship when it was convenient for her. Of course, I was wanting to be closer. I thought I could offer her more, show her something different and sweep her off her feet. And I tried hard to turn things around while never being demanding. An impossible task because there was nothing I could have done to change her and the frustration of trying so hard just hurt me more on the end. The fantasy of what could have been is a very strong drug. But reality is where we all should want to be.
And you're seeing this more clearly all the time, Wayne. It was an "impossible task" because she made it an impossible task. Her, not you. It was, and is, never about you.
"Emotionally bereft" - were to me, the operative words of this message... Thank you Jane, it's very refreshing to hear someone verbalise how I feel every now and then... I think we must all look after our "cups"... We need to fill it with the love we deserve, rather than leave ourselves constantly bereft... It's not fair to our hearts and souls... "Come back to reality, beautiful".... Thank you so much for the affirmations.
You describe my situation exactly as if you were talking just to me. I tried so hard because the relationship was so good apart from the lack of real commitment. I ended it a while ago but we are still friends, which was all we ever really were. I hope I am insightful enough to choose differently next time.
I so hear you, Joanna. It always is - "apart from the lack of real commitment". And you will.
You're so welcome, Grace. So glad to be able to put this into words, to tell you in a way that resonates with you.
Exactly the truth.
Glad this resonated with you, Catherine. Thank you.
So needed to read this right now. And all I have to say is thank you for writing all it down. xo
So glad this resonated with you right where you are, Kris. You're more than welcome!
It felt like I was reading my thoughts out loud while reading this. It’s been a year now since we’ve spoken. At one point he was crazy about me, but only enough to keep it as a situationship. I have no idea why I even fell so hard, by the end of this on and off 4 year none sense, his actions convinced me I was crazy - no way he felt what I felt. But I could’ve sworn he did. Every time I looked into his eyes, we’d both get lost. Needless to say he kept saying he was far too broken- it was him not me that was the reason he couldn’t commit. Looking at it now I feel like he was mocking me, like there was some big joke everyone knew about, and I was not apart of. Having missed him this past year and just wanted to see his face I searched him online. In my own fantasy, he was still that lost 30 something man that deep down missed me; but the harsh reality was he had moved on; in fact I saw a review for a house that he bought with someone he “met after me” (timeline could still be fuzzy). I saw them smiling on a couch; thinking oh my god literally 7 months after we went our ways (keeping in mind we had went our separate ways many times) but while he was buying a house/ perhaps getting engaged or having a child, I was 7 months into the heartbreak, crying over him, missing him. I was so hurt that she got all the love I struggled to get all those years. The thought of picking out furniture or making dinner with him seems so surreal like impossible, because that’s how he made it be. He made sure to sabotage us because he couldn’t understand why a great girl like me wanted him. So not only did he commit and give that respect to someone shortly after me but he went all the way to the other side of the train tracks. I was shocked, so unrecognizable. What about me wasn’t enough I kept saying. Unfortunately I’m still in the midst of this mental warfare. I’ve been gutted, wrecked, like a completely blindsided fool, who made up her own love story, the one where the boy was never even apart of it.
So needed this. They seemperfect on the outside but he still comes to me to share real things. No more. I'm moving on 🙂
So glad you're seeing it, Natalie. They never have what we think they do. Believing they do - and everything else our imaginations tell us, only hurts you. Here's to you, moving on! 🙂
I agree