Among all the voices that say "leave him", "dump him", etc., there lies the reality of you.
The loving, giving beautiful soul you are that knows exactly what you "should" do. They make it sound so simple, but it doesn't feel anything like simple to you. It feels heartbreaking, and so very sad, and not at all what you want to do.
How do I just walk away from someone I love?
Yes, exactly. How do any of us? It's the question you want to know the answer to.
Oh your friends have so much advice for you. In fact, even complete strangers only have to hear a few minutes of your situation before they have the same advice to offer you. How can you stay with someone who gives you so little of his time? How can you want to be with someone who can't give you a straight answer as to when, let alone if, he might someday be ready to commit to you?
They make it sound so easy, so simple, but to you with so much of your heart, your life and your time invested, it's anything but easy.
In fact, it's the hardest thing you ever tried to do.
And how can it not be? He promised so much. He gave you so many reasons to believe. He made you feel like he was on the same page as you. He talked about the same things. He said he wanted the same things.
He made you feel like all that was missing was you.
There's a reason you came here. To hear something different from the usual advice that doesn't remember what it's like to be you. And it's exactly what I've got for you because there's something more here for you. You don't have to walk away from someone you say you love, who you still feel so strongly about, even if he gives you so little in return.
Don't make it about him. Don't make it about walking away from someone you love, who you aren't ready to walk away from. Yes, that's one way, but it's not the only way, and it may not be the best way for you.
There's another way.
The way that has you focusing on yourself instead. Choose what you have with him – and what you don't have – and accept that it's what you're choosing right now.
Because you are the one who chooses this no matter how much it doesn't seem like it.
Don't try to explain it or justify it; either in your own mind or for anyone else. Just know that you're choosing and that you have your own reasons why.
And then choose you.
Within that same context, let your decision to accept what you've chosen empower you. Not because it's the right decision for anyone else, but because it's the right decision for you right now for where you are.
Isn't that what real, unconditional self-love is?
Loving yourself even if you're not doing what that other version of yourself (that you are going to get to!) would do.
Because if there's one thing I learned along with everything else, it's that living for weeks or months or years holding onto a fantasy of what he might be thinking or doing and imagining all of it instead of finding out for yourself by allowing yourself to live it, to see it, to experience it firsthand, isn't necessarily a better thing.
It's what left me comparing everyone else to him because I wasn't done with him yet. It's what left me hanging on to the "rule" that if I wasn't there anymore, he would miss me too much to stay away.
More fantasy. More games.
More "if only" fantasy kind of thinking that only kept hurting me long after the initial heartbreak was over. It's why I really could trust myself that I knew better what was right for me than anyone else, if only I had the confidence at the time to understand this.
It doesn't have to be this way for you.
If you're not ready, if there's more for you, you don't have to walk away just because it's what everyone else is telling you to do. Choose it or not. Live with it or not. But take your action from a place that you're the one doing the choosing, because you are.
Don't be the victim, the martyr, or whatever else you want to make this about. Choose it because you're not done, for whatever reasons that you're absolutely entitled to have, even if no one else understands you.
And then take all the focus off of what he's doing or not doing and for the first time in your life, choose to empower yourself instead. Take what he can give you and run with that. Don't complain about what he can't or won't do unless you're ready to do something about it.
Because you can.
You're not the victim or the martyr. You can walk away. You can say goodbye. You can't have it both ways, complaining about what he's not and what he can't give you while insisting you have to stay.
You don't.
And from that place of choice, of acceptance of yourself as well as the situation you've chosen to remain in, find your voice, find your passion, find your freedom, find your you. And then watch how everything else becomes clear to you. One choice, one decision, one new focus on who's really running this show, at a time.
It can only ever be you!
Have you ever struggled with the question of should I stay or should I go? Share your story with us in the comments!
"It's yours to observe, to see who he is and who he isn't, to see what he's capable of and what he isn't, and then to choose what you can live with and what you can't, without pretending you can.
Will he forget about you? If he does, Lexi, it's because he can. Don't be afraid of that. You don't ever want to be with someone who can forget about you. Ever."
Because I'm working today, I don't have time to watch the video right now, but I had time to read what you wrote to Lexi on April 12, 2015. I'm so grateful to have learned what I have learned here.
I know now what I can live with and what I cannot live with. That I don't have to pretend in the way I learned so long ago as a child. I can be the woman I was created to be, not the submissive and broken down child my parents taught me to be because they were submissive children, too. I have choices that my parents didn't know they had. At 4:16 this morning, I started the first experiment in Pam Grout's book, E-squared, the one that you recommended recently. Curiosity, trust and worthiness fill me as I open myself to a blessing, an unexpected gift from the field of potentiality in the next 48 hours.
Now I've got to get to work at being self-employed, which is an accomplishment beyond my wildest dreams. I have been self-employed for over 2 years now!
Grateful to keep passing these nuggets on, Ella. Can't wait to hear how your experiments turn out! These accomplishments beyond your wildest dreams are what this journey is all about. Those beautiful, never-thought-I-could-but-now-I-know-everything-is-possible kind of dreams. 🙂
Jane,
I am sorry to say it is no always that easy to do the right thing? You want to believe it will work. After the last time we went out, everything was great!! He did break up the girl he was seeing and said that I have to step back and not keep texting or calling to let him come to me. But how long will that take now. He still wants to date? I know you are going to say, take care of YOU!!! And let him figure out what is right for him? If he comes forward then I'll know what we have is Real!
I am just afraid if it takes 2-3 months to really find out.. Will he forget about me? In the mean time..I have to surround my self with Positive people. I made through my Cancer Sugery alone...I should be able to do this and be a stronger person. It is hard to really know how to build yourself up and be that more Confident, Fun, with Radient Energy to bring him back to me.
I remember the movie the A Mirror has two Faces!! with Barbara Striesand & Jeff Bridges. You just can't let any negative people bring you down.
But in real life it isn't that easy. It is not when I was younger..when you so much time to keep trying over & over to get it right. Time goes so quickly, and you never know what is around the corner waiting for you?
I just want the chance to have a relationship that we both can enjoy and grow with the future. Through the good times & bad!!
Is that asking too much for him? Does giving it time really Work!!!
Thinking Positive not Negative!!! I really need to know??
Here's the thing about this, Lexi, if you're doing something because you want it to work the way you have in mind, then you already have an agenda and an outcome that you believe is best for you. But life rarely works that way. We rarely know what is actually the best thing for us - or the best person for us - because we don't have the whole picture yet. We don't know the whole story. So this is why you have to look at your own story and decide what you need most need to do for you right now, regardless of what he is or isn't doing right now. The future will take care of itself regardless of what you do or don't do because people are going to be who they are and do what works for them regardless of you. I'm so sorry you had to go through your cancer surgery alone; that's a hard place to be, but it also showed you what you have, and what you don't with him.
He is where he's at. You are where you're at. Now whether the real you is compatible with the real him is another thing. Whether you're both on the same page is another thing. How long will that take is about how long it takes for him to decide what he wants to do and what works for him. But this is your own life. And it's why you're so right that I'm going to say "take care of YOU". 🙂 Because living your life waiting for someone to choose you to pick you to decide if it's you that he wants is no way to live your life. That's my point here, Lexi. You're not going to change him, you can only do what you need to do for you. You can't know because it's not yours to know. It's yours to observe, to see who he is and who he isn't, to see what he's capable of and what he isn't, and then to choose what you can live with and what you can't, without pretending you can.
Will he forget about you? If he does, Lexi, it's because he can. Don't be afraid of that. You don't ever want to be with someone who can forget about you. Ever.
I did this. I chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship that wasn't on the rocks. I told my therapist I didn't know want to focus on what was wrong in the relationship because I wanted to stay. This was after I tried dating someone else while this person was out of town for two months. I chose to go back to the other relationship and then soon after discovered I was pregnant. The person I chose broke up with me anyway saying they didn't want to date someone with a kid... Its so frustrating to make a choice to be with someone and they break up with you when you need someone the most. God has a better plan but its hard.. Knowing I chose to stay in a toxic relationship at the expense of my self esteem. I wish I had been strong enough to leave all the times I wanted to. But I couldn't and still would take the person back.. Relationship s are hard
*was on the rocks
Don't look back at what you couldn't have seen back them, Kylie. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. Look ahead to what you now know.
help me how do i get my boyfriend back if he is nothing like the others he is nerdy sweet and calm i really did love him and still do
this question that says should I stay or not? it us usually the thing I deal with everytime I thought I found the one I love and trust. I'm still in a process whereby I'm being ignored by someone I loved and trusted. the challenge I got is that I always think about him everytime I'm chilling.dont know why can't my heart let it go because this person doesn't call or text after a long time now
Hi Jane!
I need to know what is wrong with me? Maybe I am crazy...About 2 weeks ago my ex boyfriend & I had a really good talk after not talking for a while.
He said that we can't see each other while he is dating someone. He said he would let me know when things change!!
Why couldn't I just leave it there!! No I had to go and see him at his office on my day off. I thought that if we saw each other after 4 months, that he would be happy and break up with her. But that didn't happen!!
At first he was angry, and asked me why I didn't give him the Curtiscy of giving him the time to end the relationship. Call me when it was over to ask me out on a date? Why do I keep doing the same thing by Pushing Him Away!! I really feel like their is something wrong with me..
Not giving him time and be Patient. Then we talked, and I told him that it is really over for us for good I need to have closure in person. So he said that still does really like me and wants me i his life but it can't be right now.
Then he grabbed me..and kissed me and held me. Said he really does care a lot about me. Only if I would not be so crazy by doing these impulsive things all the time.
He said I am being honest with you and you have to stop texting and can't just show up anymore he is dating. Well then he got called up stairs, so we went up and he attended to his customer and I left, he said ok I willtalk to you soon. Jane I did it again.. 5 days goes by and I see something funny that I want to share with so I text him. I get back annoyed... I tell him sorry. I thought you would think it was funny? I say can we talk after work?
He calls me later and he is upset. He says why can't you leave it when we are happy? You keep pushing me away when you do these things... I told you I am dating some one and you can't just give it a couple of months till it end. Then we can get together and go out. Jane why do I keep pushing him
away? Why am I acting so impulsive. When I really don't want to.
Now he is angry again? He says do you think by doing this you are making yourself intising to me or more annoying? I just keep messing up every time we get to a good place!!! Jane is right is their something wrong with me??? Now he will never want to get back together!! Cause I am acting like such a nut case. When I only want him to realize that he made a mistake and wants to try again. It just hurts so much when I keep seeing pictures on FB. Well this time I blocked him so I don't see anything and I give him the respect that he deserves. Oh I forgot to tell you he said that he kept trying to make me happy before.. But it wasn't enough and I pushed him into meeting someone else. Cause I wanted to be in a committed relationship. He says he just over a long marriage and wants to date. if I don't do anything he seems to come back. He says that he is very attracted to me and we have a lot in common if I let him be he would come back. I have to be able to let him be the man and let him be one to Miss Me and ask me out again? I told him that I feel the longer we don't talk or see each other we will just forget about each other. He says NO that isn't true it makes him want to be with me more!! When we see each other it is the best feeling and don't want to let each other go. But why do we have wait for it? Why can't it be now? He has been dating her for almost 5 months. He says I didn't see anyone else while we were dating and I have to give him the same respect. This just sounds so confusing to me , on one hand he says I have to give him time to end it? On the other hand he says, I have to let him date? Which is it does he want to see me again or not? I know what my feelings are, I want to out on a date. Does he want to?
Jane is he right? Am I pusing him away? is it true that we are meant to be or will time really decide?
Please help me Jane .. do I really have to give it Time? I am feeling so Hopeless right now
I walked away from someone I truly loved, who kept me hanging on for years and prior to that I allowed to drift in and out of my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and if I'm honest it has been a constant struggle but I have grown stronger and I know that if I hadn't had the courage to walk away I would still be in the same 'waiting for him to realise how much he loved me' game. He appeared to love me like no other and it was wonderful for the first 1-2 years he talked of a future, wanted to spend all his time with me, led me to believe we were for keeps and I was so happy I was on cloud 9 but gradually he started to pull away, giving mixed messages and his actions then indicated that he was never likely to commit to me....he would not even commit to telling me that we would not get married when, one day in frustration at the situation, I tried reverse psychology and to get him to admit it. This type of man won't even commit to ending the relationship so that you are always thinking...well he must love me really. The proof was clear to see when after a long period of soul searching and deciding to walk away, he didn't even try to win me back. My fantasy .....that he would suddenly realise what he had lost, was just that....a fantasy!...and as utterly heartbreaking as it has been for me it made me realise that I deserve better and I would have suffered worse heart break if I had stayed still hoping. I wanted someone who values and appreciates me. He had a history of non -commitment and I should have read the early warning signs but he pursued me relentlessly, promising us a future and eventually won my heart... then once he had it.... he gradually had less time or enthusiasm for me and it left me feeling confused, with my confidence ebbing away, as I started to feel needy and not the person I really am or want to be. I decided to love myself more instead and one day finally summoned up the courage to say 'enough is enough', so that I didn't look back in 10 years time, as the relationship still drifted on, with him not committing to me and regret my decision to stay....as time is precious and we can't get it back. If we are honest with ourselves and he doesn't know after 3 years or more if he can commit to you....it is almost certain that he never will. Walk away and open yourself up for new beginnings and someone who appreciates all that you have to offer. It's very hard to do but I eventually realised I had the choice and am a much stronger person for it. I am looking forward to a brighter future that now awaits!
"I decided to love myself more instead and one day finally summoned up the courage to say 'enough is enough'" - Beautifully said, Dawn. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Hello Jane,
I have been following your blog for a while, and I wanted to share my progress. I've been mostly single for about 6 years, with a handful of potentials that fizzled out or things that wouldn't work for a variety of reasons.
I swear Jane, I tried everything to make love happen. I tried actively looking. That led no where. I tried not looking, and focusing on myself and my life, that didnt work. I would make amazing friends and a thrilling life but no sign of a relationship. I waited and waited, surely my match was right around the corner, surely destiny was waiting for the perfect moment to bring us together. I purposely stopped looking, it happens when you stop looking right?? But it never happened. Year after year it didnt happen. Not looking didnt work. Maybe I needed to actively look, sort of like finding a job. You dont just wait for a job to appear, you have to actively seek it right? Well... looking didnt work either. None of the advice worked. While all around me everyone else was finding it so easily and effortlessly. Even this blog was mostly geared to people in wrong relationships, but I couldn't even get a wrong relationship, I just had nothing! I began to wonder what was wrong with me, why everybody was getting this but me, why I was meant, cursed, doomed to be alone forever!
I found myself doing so many things you've mentioned, chasing after people, getting into cycles of panic as they withdrew (and acting so not-myself) that they would withrdaw even more. I did things wrong. I did things right. But no relationship, nothing I would do would work, and I was miserable. It felt so unfair, I would get so lonely, so unhappy. And at some point I began to realize how horrifying it was that I was cursed to be alone forever. The more the probability of beign alone for life crept into my reality, the more the loneliness overwhelmed me and the more the panic would drive me into any sort of action. With no results.
And eventually I decided to do something the exact opposite of everything I ever read. All the positive thinking wasn't working. All the visualization wasn't working. And the fear was real and overwhelming. I kept running from it, but it wasn't working. So eventually I decided to stop and do the exact opposite.
I faced it. I faced and accepted it. I looked at the fear, that I would end up alone for life, and completely accepted it. I embraced it, and it burned like hot coals in my soul. A part of me screamed "No, don't expect the worst keep visualizing the best!" But part of me realized that this fear was so strong and buried deep in my subconscious and was the cause of so much of my misery, my fear, my worry, my loneliness, that i needed to STOP running from it.
So I kept embracing it. I began to do the opposite. I grasped those hot coals. I started imagining and embracing my life alone. I accepted I would be on my own for life. That I was meant to be on my own for life. I grieved as I did this, but I stopped running, stopped resisting, stopped fighting, and brought all these emotions up to the surface.
I did this for a while, I'm not sure how long. It was not easy, it was a rough process and a lot of weird feelings and fears about life, destinity, the universe, and my own personal inadequacies bubbled to the surface. And one day I realized something interesting had happened. I wasn't lonely anymore. I wasn't desperately looking. I wasn't scared that I was going to fail what I once considered the most important thing in life. I stopped wondering what was wrong with me, I stopped wondering what everyone had that I didn't. I stopped struggling and fighting and worrying. This fear deep within me gradually vanished.
I can't say any miracles happened. No magic soulmate appeared as soon as I did this. But the thing is, I don't care! I no longer am looking constantly for my destined soulmate, or grudging against the universe for my cursed aloneness. It's the dead of winter now, the time when the loneliness becomes so overwhelming for me, and this year I feel fine! The coals burning in my soul are gone!
Alone until the end? I've accepted it, hell I've embraced it! I'm not closed against any possibilities if they arrive, but, I'm happy, stable, and feel complete with the possibility of never finding my soulmate. And even if I'm "alone" for life, I'll never really be alone 🙂 If anything, it has just given me complete control of my life to live and love it the exact way I want, and make it something incredible and just for me!
Interesting how that happened huh? 🙂 No idea how long this will last, but it is wonderful for now 🙂
I thought I would share this story, even if it is way low on the blog comments. Surely this method wont work for everyone, but maybe somebody in the world will read and gain something from the idea of truly accepting one of their greatest fears.
I haven't checked your blog much since this happened, but I love your articles, and your positive energy and light that shines through in all your posts and responses! Thank you for being a shining light and helping so many people with your wonderful blog and your on point advice!!!
Sky11
That was inspiring and it resonates so much with me. That's exactly what I am doing now. Sometimes I can accept it, sometimes I can't but I know it's ok. I'm so glad you feel great.
Beautiful, Sky - I've responded to your comment in more detail in your repost here. 🙂
i was in love 1 of my class mate and we were together since last 10 years and mostly we fight with each other and then after some time we did patch up and i lover her so much and she also love me soo much then unfortunately since last passed year 2014 she stop talking to me and didn't try to contact me again since last 1st August 2014 . Then one day i received her message that i was wasting my time with her and she loved some one else so she is going to leave me and told me to find some one else and she broke my heart and she forget our 10 years love and leave me alone and walk away from my life
It's never easy to accept that someone isn't on the same page as you are, Prince Ali. But you can't make anyone love you and you honestly can't be happy with someone who doesn't want the same thing you do with you. If she's not there, you can't make her want to be. And you're going to be happier in the long run with someone who is there, who's on that same page as you, who's looking for you.
Yes I have struggled with yes and no, when I was younger.
When I was so insecure and scared to make s choice and not regret it. I was scared to take a risk. Scared to say "i choose me and going to do something". I was so hard on my younger self, too hard! Which almost closed my heart, my soul...
It took a lot of pain and knowledge to sit, drink some coffee, sleep, think about it. And make a choice, and most important keep the choice and move on! I know sometimes deal with difficult life things like not having a nice partner, not sometimes have enough money, body image issues "am I pretty?" ... But I sit alone, and just let these thought in. I don't make fights with others, I look with more calmness and more gentle. I go to sport of a walk in forest to calm my anger or insecurity . I think I am 28 now, but it is something I am gonna practice all my life...
And then I say to myself, make a choice and babysteps to hapinness everyday!
Bless you Jane for the knowledge!
Exactly, Maris. We learn so much along the way. When we can recognize where we've been and where we are now, our progress sneaks up on us and surprises us! To realize you are the one doing the choosing, and you can choose even if it's not perfect, even if you don't know for sure, even if you don't really want to, you always, always can! That's the beauty in this journey, and it is something to practice all our lives. Baby steps to happiness, to loving ourselves the way we deserve, to loving someone else and letting him love us, to feeling the fear but recognizing the gold underneath that fear, and that none of what we think matters to someone who's truly right for us - those baby steps in everything is exactly how we get there.
This news was just what needed to hear!! PERFECT advice. Exactly where I am at...not ready to end it but working on myself so I can deal with the outcome on my terms! Yes, my family and friends think I should end my relationship...I will do what I need to do. But from now on, I will do it with my own best interest in mind...No more "needing him"...now the question-is "do I want him?"
You've got this, Amy. "Do I want him?" - Exactly!
"He's not that into you" this is very true thanks Angel for making me realize and see this for what it is, I am trying to maintain no contact even though its not easy, I thank God for people like you, its amazing to know that one can connect with such great people who will always give best advice without judging....may the Lord bless you and compliments of the new season!
Thank you Jane for this amazing article and compliments of the new season!! Well have I struggled with this question should is stay or should I go? Well yes so many times with different people ofcourse, it is deffinitely not so easy to always find yourself in the same situation over and over again, it has now become a pattern that is so hard to break. I recently cam across an article that says "the new side chick" well when this Woman explains it she says a new side is a Woman who decides to stay in a relationship with a Man who has made it clear that He doesn't want to be in a relationship whether through his words or his actions"
Well I'm kinda like in a situation like that as we speak, I recently met a guy over a month ago everything seemed to be going so well we'd spend time together talking about everything, we seemed to have such a great connection together, its amazing, soooo this one time while I was at His place just a day before I leave for holidays, things started heating up, started kissing and all I then told him I'm not ready to jump into bed with Him and He asked why, told Him we just met hardly a month I don't know Him that well and I can't do that withouth knowing where is tand with Him.
He then said to me He appreciates my honesty and that He likes me a lot and He would like to get to know me, He said something like He can't put a label on what we are doing because its too soon......I thought that was fair and that He would make more plans to spend more time with me as He said He wants to get to know me.
Well I then went on holiday the following day with my family since it was during christmas holiday, so He only called me once while I was away, the only thing He'd do is to chat with me via whatsapp, I don't have an issue with this whole chatting with me via whatsapp thingy but I have an issue when its gonna be used as the only means of communication, I did mention it to him that I prefer phone calls than only chatting on whatsapp, and I would sometimes call him so I can show him that I prefer phone calls and he would mention it that He will reciprocate.
Well just few days before I came back from the holiday He told me how much He misses me and how much He can't wait to see me and all, so I came back on friday the 2nd of Jan, He told me He can't see me on that day because He was still with His family, so on sunday He came back and He sent me a text via whatsapp telling me He is too tired He can't see me, the way I was so hurt by this, I mean this person literally lives 5 minutes away from where I live, funny thing is that He was online till 10 midnight so much for a person who needed to rest, He then asked me if I wasn't mad at Him,I said NO, so the next day on monday I hoped He would make arrangements to see me, He still didn't.
So what I did I removed the whatsapp app from my phone because I'm tired of always checking if He is online and expect him to say something and get dissapointed when he doesn't, now the thing Is I haven't heard from Him since on monday, no text or phone call from him or what's soever, I just want Him to pick up the phone and make plans to see me that's all, right now I'm confused as to whether I should contact Him or not........I guess Him being quiet is all the answer I need. There's a saying that says "when a Man wants to be with you He will find every reason to be with you, and when a Man doesn't want to be with you He will find every excuse not to be with you"
Once again thanks Jane for alwats making us see the truth as what it is instead of trying so hard to make excuses for people who don't want to be with us.
I'm glad you see this. He's not that into you. Don't contact him. Just let it be. Get busy yourself.
Right! And it's not just about you, some men are about what they can get out of you and other women. Don't take it personally dear. Some guys are on that hit it and quit it stuff. Thank goodness you did not give it to him. Because in the end, he would have gotten what he wanted and rolled out anyway. The only one who lost anything was him. Good job!
thanks a lot Wise chick for the words of encouragement, it helps to have such amazing support. all the best to you too
You're seeing this for yourself, Lolly, and that's huge. We don't have to like it, we don't have to want to accept it, but to be able to see it still and then recognize our choice in deciding what we will do about it is the way we feel our own power and remember what it feels like to be the one doing the choosing. Even when it hurts, and especially when we don't want it to be this way. Feel proud of yourself for being here in this new place where not only do you feel, but you see! It's the only way that change can finally begin.
Thanks Jane you are right its not easy at all, there are days where I feel like just picking up the phone and call Him, and some days are better, but the most important thing at the moment is the fact that I can see things clearly and I will not settle for less than what I deserve, no matter how amazing and handsome this guy if he cant give me what I want then he is definitely not worth my time and energy.....thanks a lot for being there.
Hi Jane,
I read your posts and try to apply your advice. There is one very big problem: your wonderful and thoughtful articles adress women who are weak and must become stronger because they deserve it and they are worth it. Absolutely true and I am fully supportive.
Unfortunately I don't see any helpful posts for my situation. I come from the other side of the fence. I was who you are now. I was the strong woman who dealt with her relationships with confidence and feminine grace. To a point when I got crushed. Badly. Now no posts or articles can help. What to do?
I'm sorry that happened to you dear. I know all too well how that feels. But know that every experience is a build up to what you really want. Look at this as a stepping stone. It's a lesson. Sometimes you can't help what people do to you. Some people are just cruel. But if someone crushed you, know they were not right for you anyway. If someone loves you, they don't hurt you. If it hurts, it's not right.
Just like when we touch something hot and our body responds with pain telling us never to do that again. Same goes for your heart. If it hurts, it's not love and look at what went wrong and how you're going to do better or choose better in the next situation.
Take time to heal, pray, and get yourself right for the man who deserves you.
Good luck doll
Beautifully said, Wise Chick. Thank you for offering your perspective here to all.
That's good advice.
Can you tell me more, Anonymous? Who was he to you? Who did he represent to you? What did you need from him that he couldn't give you? Is it possible that underneath whatever happened there's some kind of blame you're putting on yourself that's keeping you from moving on and getting back to that beautiful, confident woman you know you are? Could it be that you share a similar experience with what so many confident woman have when they don't realize they lack a real kind of genuine confidence in themselves until something happens to break them open to see that there's more underneath? I'd love to help you get back to you.
Wise Chick, Jane,
Thank you both for the kind words. Jane may be you are right, may be I did not have genuine confidence and now it shows. Still.... I have never shared problems with anyone in my life before and talking about it hurts. May be because I see no light in the tunnel. As a person I have always been very tough, I have career, hobbies, achievements, all my friends always relying on me when it comes to wise advice in solving problems. No one has ever seen me crushed.
Anyway....
He is someone with whom we had the most wonderful relationship. But we stopped, because we cannot be together because of circumstances other than love. (If you know what I mean...) Yes, I am the bad one and I live with the guilt every day. We stopped the relationship long ago but we see each other as friends every day because we are so bonded, like glued to each other. No matter how many times I leave him in order to let him heal his life (because he does not have the guts to be with me), he always comes back. Constantly pursuing me. He wants to talk to me and to communicate, he wants to discuss everything with me, his day, his thoughts. His desires for me.... But... he says he must control them. For 2 years now I am observing how the love of my life is controlling himself NOT to be with me, just because he "can't". He does not want to cut communication though, no matter how many times I left him (more than 20) and he wants to stay like this and hope for destiny to solve it for us. He says he cannot live without me, as I am his best friend and soul mate and love of his live. But , says he, "love solely is not enough" for success. He wants to be guaranteed that we will last till the very end together. I cannot give him this guaratee and the difficulty of our situation makes it even more unlikely to manage through the obstacles. I want to be with him but he says that he believes that other people will ruin us and that he cannot destroy so many lives.This is his view. My view is that we must be honest with ourselves and our families. So we are in this "I can't be with you, but I cannot be without you either" situation for long long time. And I am holding on brave. But when I am alone, I suffer massively and I cannot lie. He knows I am not comfortable with the situation. All this psycological torment threw me into a neurosis, which I cannot get out of. I am beginning to believe that I need therapy
I am stupid, right? I know you will ask me, why don't I just move on and find someone better. Because I can't. I have no rights to look for someone else. Because I am also married and it does not make any sense to destroy my child for the luxury of having an option to meet other men. I have to go back and accept that I have to spend the rest of my life with someone with whom I feel lonely for years now. And it is not his fault, he is a good man! It's just who he is, and I should have thought about it when I made my choise.
You see .... either way is a dead end. I have no rights to think about me. Am I a monster to make innocent people miserable?
Still... the question is why don't we just split. We did split as lovers 1 year ago, but we did not split as soul mates. We are alive only when we talk to each other. Even if we don't talk. Sitting silent next to each other, staring at the distance is enough to refuel our energy.
But I wish..... I wish he could take my hand and tell me: "Let's be honest to everyone. Let's share our lives. Let's fight for us. If we are together, we can make it."
I really hope that at least some of you wont hate me. Because I definitely feel like damaged good myself.
If there's anyone who judges you for you're going through is you. You're the one who's saying you're the bad one. No one can tell you who you are, who you should or shouldn't be and what you should and shouldn't do. It's all you. It's your life.
I may not be the wisest person on earth, but if I may, I would like to point out a few things: when you mention what you wish, it all sounds like what all of us girls here and all the girls Jane addresses have been doing: clinging to a fantasy. There's nothing wrong with having fantasies. The issue is they are exactly what keep us from moving forward. That's why you keep taking him back even though you have left him several times before.
About your marriage, if you are unhappy, this won't bring any good to your precious child. Children, no matter how small they are pick up on vibes. They see the world and interpret the world out of felt perception. This is something no one even acknowledges. Children pick up on the vibes in their family dynamics even if you try your absolute hardest to control your actions. The best example you can give a child is the one that teaches them to love themselves always and enough to bring happiness to their own lives regardless of what society or anyone for that matter says or doesn't. You think you're self sacrificing for your child. That's the intention of a mother, but self sacrificing is never the best way. You have no control of your precious baby's life. That's his or her own responsibility. I can only imagine how tough it is to swallow this pill because a mother's love is quite the thing and there's nothing like it. But if you want to do what's best for your baby it is to live life true to yourself and with integrity. Now only you know what that is and means to you. By no means am I telling you what to do, that's not my right. Just telling you what I can see from where I am sitting and what my humble thought process shows me. You say you are strong and you are, but there's no strong without weakness. They're two sides of the same coin. I'm curious, why won't you let anyone see you crushed? What are you truly afraid of?
Lots of love to you anonymous. I wish you lots of clarity to do what's best for you and your beloved baby. The answer is inside you and no, you're not a monster. You're just human, a beautiful human woman.
Hello Angel, I want to tell you that your words touched me. I haven't heard such good words in a long time and you definitely made my day. We'll see how things develop, but I definitely feel that it is too hard for me to talk right now. Again... thanks for taking your time to reply and to give me such a positive message
oh Anonymous, how my heart goes out to you, feeling the depths of what you're feeling, taking all this on you. You're not damaged goods, you're not stupid and you're not a monster. You're a beautiful human being who's in a situation that you feel so utterly out of control. Trapped by someone else's actions. You're doing the best you can with where you are. You can't change him, he is doing what he's going to do, what works for him, in spite of you or anything else. It's about him, and not you. And then you have this beautiful child. You want to do the right thing, I know.
There are wings within you, somewhere buried deep down inside of you there's your own wings that still remember how to fly. Even here, even where you are, there's a way out for you if you can still your anxious heart long enough to hear the answers that you're searching for. I know it seems hopeless, but you still own your own power. You still have a voice. Let yourself feel some compassion that you show to yourself. Treat yourself gently, kindly, the way you so deserve. There's more to life than this, no matter how hard it is to see that right now.
Start with you, right where you are, start with loving yourself enough to have grace for yourself, love for yourself, and allow yourself to start with that baby step that starts to separate what's yours and what isn't. And what you've been taking on of someone else's for far too long. There is so much love for you here, Anonymous. Look into the faces of the ones who understand, who see you through their own eyes and reflect that love back to you that you so deserve.
Is there someone you can talk to? Someone you can confide in all your fears? None of us are meant to go through these times in our life alone. Find a trusted friend, a counselor, a doctor, a spiritual adviser, someone there close to you that you can trust. You're not alone. Find the answers that speak to you - they're there somewhere.
I am going through this same thing.
Tells me how beautiful I am and loves talking and seeing me. But fears he isn't ready. This has been going on for the past 9 months.
I am genuine and want to love like Christ. But I want to make a wise choice. I love him and want to work things, but I also don't mind moving on.
I want to be kind with my decision and I want to heal as well.
The wisest choice you can make is the one that is the most loving to you, Sandy.
Girls,
I renamed myself from Anonymous to Tina, just so that you no longer wonder... Thank you for the kind words, I honestly did not expect it. Jane, I love your posts. Some time ago I could have been your associate 🙂
Sandy, move on till you can. Just run. This is not a joke. You mental health is at stake here.
I am trapped for 2 years now and moving on is what I want. But I just can't do it. As long as he is around messing up with my brain, I am helpless. If you want to write to me and try to support each other you can give me your email adress and we can share more
Yours,
Tina
Thank you, Tina. I'm so glad these are resonating with you and helping you through. Feel free to post here, especially on the most recent post, and you'll find others who also understand what you're going through because they're going through it, too.
I am almost in same situation,i feel that i am slowly dying from inside, and he's don't care ,no one can help me no one understands me not my family not even I myself .
I so can understand this place of torment called indecision and confusion. It's true by not being a victim I free myself of the anguish of waiting on him for everything
Exactly, Swan!
Rightt!!!! It's so freeing to not have to be in a state of waiting on some fool. I wait for no one, they wait for me! It's a new year baby! I felt sad when I let mine go too, but when I realized what an awesome chick I was and how stupid he was, it was easier than I thought. I refused to put myself through the BS any longer. I'd rather be alone than stressed out over some guy who is not worthy to be in any kind of friendship or relationship with me. Moving on to better. I just know what I'm going to do and not do in my future relationships. My man picker is so much better now. I thank the fool for waking me up, and bid him goodbye, forever.
"I'd rather be alone than stressed out over some guy who is not worthy to be in any kind of friendship or relationship with me." - The reality that so many of us discover. "Waking up" indeed! Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm on my 6th day of accepting our break-up since new year. It still hurts knowing the fact that everything about us is totally gone. I still cry everyday and have dreams about us getting back together. But I know that's impossible already. Though I'm slowly coping up with the pain. I just can't hide the fact that I still miss him and I still can't believe that he could do something like this to me.
We planned for an out of town vacation with his friends 7 days from now. We really worked hard on saving up for this vacation. Until it was all booked-up and already paid. All I have to do is just go to the plane and spend the vacation. But we haven't still talked since our break-up. Though I would love to hear his explanations and have our proper closure but he says he's still not ready to talk to me.
And now I don't know if I should go to the vacation or not? It would be damn sure to see him on the plane and we have the same place to live in. AWKWARD .. i know. But my friends says I should go and do it for myself. Enjoy the parties and forget about him. But I don't know. I'm also afraid that I might just end up crying there while seeing him so happy and not being affected of everything that's been happening to us. But his bestfriend told me that he'll talk to me and fix our issues before the vacation.
So I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens after our final closure. I'll just decide after we talk.
Do what you can live with, Someone hurting; and if you're not sure what that is from where you stand right now, do what feels most loving and caring and compassionate to you. He's going to be and do what works for him; you do the same for you!
Hi Jane!
Happy New Year!! Well here we go again. My ex boyfriend and I started texting again after 4 months of not seeing each other. I texted him a smiley face & he texted back. Asked me how I was and it nice to hear from me. Before this we stopped talking...he said that he is dating and we can't talk .
Then right after Christmas, I sent him a picture of me and wished him a Happy New Year! I heard back from him wishing me the same.
He said how cute I looked and we talked for a while. We started joking and playing around like we did when we were together. I said something to him about having a drink for New Years!!! He said he would like to, but is still dating. I asked him if he Loved Her...He said no. Then he said I will let you know when things change. The thing is I noticed yesterday that he updated some pictures on his FB page. That somebody took from a Christmas Party that he went with her. I texted him last night..thinking of you. Never heard anything back. He probably was with her.
I don't know what to think? Is here really going to do something about his situation or am I just getting caught up in his game?? He keeps telling that he isn't serious. He says he wants to get together again... But I have to wait until things change. Should I give it a little time and see what happens?? I really Miss Him and I think he Misses Me! How long should I wait? Or am I being a naive fool. Also does xoxo really mean anything? Please tell me what to do?? Thanks Jane.
Happy New Year to you, too, Lexi! Look back closely at what you've written here. You texted him a smiley face and he texted back. You sent him a picture of you and wished him a Happy New Year and he wished you the same and said how cute you looked and you talked for awhile. You said something to him about having a drink for New Year's and he said he would like to but is still dating. then he said I will let you know when things change. You are doing all the initiating here, and he is simply responding. This is what speaks volumes! It is so easy for him to respond just in case he changes his mind about you or decides he wants to trade her in for you, but that's now what you want. Let him be. You texted him last night and hear nothing. You're not someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this. Don't wait for him; live your own beautiful life. If he comes around, you'll be the first to know. But don't wait for that! Live! There is someone out there looking for you who can't wait to find you!
Oh my goodness, it has been nearly 14 years that I have struggled with this. I kept breaking up and taking him back. I understand now why I kept breaking up with him. It was because he wasn't giving me what I truly needed. The voice I was hearing to leave him over and over was mine. If only I listened to myself from the beginning, I would have prevented all these heartaches! It has been a long time struggling with the hurt and pain. The mere crumbs he would give me only put a bandaid over the wound. The compassionate, giving person that I am forgave him way too many times. The wound is still there and I feel sorrow for us that it didn't work but mostly for him because he won't ever have someone as caring and loving as I was and now I can hold my head up knowing I finally made the right choice for good. Each day I think of you Jane and want to thank you so much for helping me see what I needed to see. I have been focusing on me now and I feel happy. It shows too. Please listen to your inner voice my friends, it is there for a reason. Go and don't look back.
I'm so glad you're seeing this with such clarity, Deb. It's so inspiring to hear you describe this process for yourself, to own your power, to understand how this was about him and not you. It takes courage and strength to get to where you are! Keep every part of that compassionate, giving person you are, but save it for someone who can give you more than crumbs!
I just walked away from a relationship with a wonderful man who treated me well, but he did not want to commit. We did everything commited couple do, but he only would give me the "Friend" title.
I feel free now and feel my heart is now open for somone who is on the same page as me. I miss him but know that is the best thing I could have ever done for myself!
And that's exactly it, Ms. Q. You allowed yourself to hear with your full attention what he would and wouldn't give you and then you decided for yourself what you wanted to do with that reality. That's what allowing yourself to be empowered feels like in the midst of whatever he's choosing to do, because - just like him - you are free to choose as well. Of course you miss him because it's not the way you'd hoped it would turn out, but it's also why you can say you know it's "the best thing I could have ever done for myself!" That's exactly what I'm talking about here.
A bit of levity ... a bit of truth (And just my bad luck to find an exception to the rule).
"Women cannot live without being adored" - Carlos Santana
http://www.cbc.ca/q/blog/2015/01/06/carlos-santana/
Not bad luck, Wayne. An opportunity to come to love and accept and know yourself in a way you never could before, even if it doesn't feel like that yet. There's someone who's just like you out there, looking for exactly what you have to offer her. It's not your fault this one wasn't her.
I've never heard this from a guys perspective.
I struggle everyday over if I should leave my bf of 2 yrs. We don't live together, havent met his parents, he met mine, and he won't tell me he loves me on a daily basis even though he was the first one to say it. It's too weird for me having a relationship like this cuz ive never experienced anything like this and I dnt like it. Yet I stay. He says that I should knw that he loves me but I dnt cuz his actions aren't enough, I need to hear it too. Guess that should be a sign. But I keep holding on thinking it will change but it has yet to. As bad as this sounds, I did tell him we were done a few weeks ago after he made a comment that really upset me. I thought I could do it & honestly, I kinda wanted to see what he'd do if I keft him. Would he freak out, beg for me back or do what I thought he'd do. Nothing. Not much of anything. Maybe he knew I wasn't serious? Or maybe he just doesnt care. Well we ended up talkn bout it and are back together. I knw there's more for me but I just can't let go. I keep thinkn something's gotta give and we can move forward, like live together or I'll meet his family. Or I hope one day I'll be able to just walk away and be ok with it. But I'm not sure when or if that day will ever come...
It will only change if one of you wants it to enough to do something about it, Danielle. It doesn't have to. It changes because we do something different. And if we don't, it stays the same.
This is exactly what I've been struggling with....to stay or go. Logically, I know I should let him go, but I guess I'm just not ready to yet. I know I deserve better. I know I'm not getting the commitment I want. He says he wants the same things but won't give me a time frame. But I love him. Some days I think I've had enough, and some days I'm fine. The distance is definitely wearing on me (1200 miles), and I've been struggling with what to do.
"But I love him." How often those words take us to places we never imagined we'd go, Stacy. You're so not alone. Try on different options. See what feels less like a struggle to you. Trust yourself; when you're ready, you'll know.
I'm right there with you, Stacy. After three years in a long distance relationship (everything seemed perfect, i thought he was the one) we said we'd move in together. Or, I should say I suggested that because I somehow assumed that was what he wanted too, based on the things we had been talking about. Over the next few months my ex became distant, "too busy" to come see me....i'm positive he was just making excuses. Obviously things got too real for him, I could tell I became a burden. But he didn't have the b***s to end things. I had to do that after he sent me an email full of "i can't keep doing this, everything is too complicated, nothing is working." Of course he will "love me forever," he's "so sorry he disappointed me"---I think men should try to be honest, it would make life much easier. We are too precious for excuses and men with commitment issues.
Hang in there, girl, you'll get over him.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. He's been telling me he going to move here. I can't move there because I share joint custody with my daughter here. He's been looking for a job here since April, and hasn't found anything yet. Having a DUI on his record is making it very difficult. It becoming very difficult to maintain the distance after 5 years, especially after the plan when we got back together a year and a half ago was that he would already be here. He was dragging his feet about even starting to look for a job here, and now he can't find one (or one he's willing to take). I'm so at the end of my rope.
Jane, this a wonderful article. I wish someone had told me this a long time ago! I have had struggles with this question before. What I learned is that when you're unhappy in a relationship, that you need to leave. For a long time, I was talking to this guy and we had a very flirty on/off friendship. He said he liked me but he flirted with my friend a lot which annoyed me. After three years, I had enough so I ended it. He begged me to come back, but I said no. I also blocked him on Facebook so he couldn't contact me. As cute as this guy was, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. Of course he got really angry with me but I don't care. My happiness is important to me
Thank you, Alysha. I love hearing how these resonate with you. "I knew I was doing the right thing for me" - and that's the whole point. Unashamedly, unabashedly doing what is right for you!
I have feeling very depressed and I really do not know how to move on. I have bitterness, hatral and resentment. Everyday I still need to pretend nothing happen in front of my colleagues and friends. I don't feel like living in this world.
I so hear you, Kathryn. It can be so difficult to move on when you're pretending everything's fine on the outside. Don't take on what was never yours in the first place. Whatever happened, it was about what he could give you, not what you couldn't get from him, or what you gave to him. Keep what's yours; give back what wasn't. Have compassion for that beautiful woman you are who did the best she could with what she knew at the time. Wrap your arms around that little girl inside you who longs to be released from something that she keeps paying for over and over again. She did the best she could. And so did you.
Jane, as you say, it takes a wise person to acknowledge and accept that kind of reality. Hearing you tell that it is ok to put yourself first helps so many. Making the choice to accept reality empowers.
In my case, because I was in "the zone" albeit the wrong kind, I tried harder to make her care for me, leaving cookies at her door for her to find, telling her how nice she looked, bringing her coffee, etc. I tried harder and harder to impress her, looking for even a few crumbs. All this did was invest more of myself and continue to dig the hole. Falling down hard and fast in the end for me. I did not complain, just asked her if something was wrong. She explained it off so I kept trying to help her out by suggesting we go away on a weekend, visit friends, etc, etc. She kept saying no and foolishly, I tried harder.
Instead, I should have seen how I could not change things, accepted how she would never care for me like I wanted, and considered my options. Put my focus back on me, Yes, in the beginning, everything said she was full of promise. So I had my hopes up high, we both knew people in our community, loved golf, news and current affairs.
Don't do what I did. Know your worth and value your self image. If you are like I was, if you really care for someone and want to make it work, be yourself and do not think that what you do for them will make them love you. All that does is show your feelings for them and nothing more. What they say and do over time shows what they think of you.
And as always, knowing the right thing to do is easy. Doing it is the hard part.
And you're seeing this more and more, Wayne. That's what makes all the difference. That's how change happens. That's how you find that empowering strength and freedom to let her be whoever she was and is, while you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and choose to begin again. Give her back what's hers. It's not yours to take on, to absorb into your own psyche. Never was. Making that choice changes everything!
I always had a feeling that friends, family, consultants etc., were to quick with one and only sound advice they could give: "Leave him!" Whatever goes wrong "Leave him!" I could not believe thus was one size fits all solution to all relationship problems. I also do not believe if you leave one partner you can always find another without any problems at all. You will either get into the same problems with another person or totally different problems with a new person. So no, helliatina is not always the best remedy for every headache, but I do not blame friends, family abd cobsulrants for giving that advice. "Leave him" actually can fix a lot of problems when done right. In many cases though, it dies not need to be "Leave him forever." And save goodness you enterpret it as "Make a big scene, tell him you are leaving, then slam the door and never pick up the phone on him again." No, it is not that kind of all or nothing "Leave" that can fix everything. Instead I would say "Leave him alone for a while." is the best advice in nearly every problematic love situation. BybackING off a bit temporary you a. Let him miss you. b. Give him time to resolve whatever issues are holding him back c. Test him ( will he or will he not put some effort to get you back) you get all the Information you need to make the right choice on how to proceed. d. Become more likeable, as instead of complaining and bitching to resort to mysterious silence.
In some cases " Leave him" does not imply that you need to be absent at all. For example if you just started dating someone attractive and then discovered he is still dating some other women " Leave him" may simply mean " keep dating him, but try to date sime other guys too." Which means not precusely "Leave him" but rather "Quit thinking he is your exclusive bf, cause he is not." But he can still be a date or a friend or just an acquaintance. It is not like you need to nearly kill him and all your chances of ever having any relationship with him at all the moment you leave. I think that makes leaving a lot easier and sometimes a lot more effective too.
Exactly, Nina. There is never any "one-size-fits-all" answer. Choosing, and owning that choice - and recognizing there even is a choice - is how you feel your own power, your own beautiful strength to choose, to not be a victim or a martyr, but a beautiful confident woman who knows her worth and owns her own choices even in the face of doubt and insecurity. We are human!
I think if I had gotten this post about... 10 months ago, I may have not understood it... or maybe I may have. I don't know at this point. Somehow I never thought of it all as me choosing it, till now that is.
It has taken me so long to see reality. It has taken me so long to see I have done all this damage to myself by overstaying.
I feel a lot of regret over my choices. Sometimes I am fine with them, sometimes like today they feel so heavy.
Some days I manage to feel fine and make it through the day, some days I struggle. It's like my mind keeps reminding me of the last mistake and the humiliation of it and it tortures me.
But I know now that it all boils down to choices. My new practice will be to choose myself and my well-being and trust that I'll know what it means to choose myself when it comes to it. I hope I can differentiate between fear and truth.
Thank you for this post.
Angel, I have times when I can only think of regret, doubt, why I did this, why didn't I do or say that... why did I allow her to do or say those things, why did I not see what she was really saying or doing, why was my judgement so clouded...etc, etc. So, I know what you mean when you talk about how some days are tough.
I am hoping that someday the impact of my memories will be dulled because the events are no longer important to me. But because I cared so much this time, it is hard to dull that sword.
Your future wants you to choose yourself and value your well being. And to do your best differentiating between fear and the truth...it is all any of us can do.
Thank you so much, Wayne. It means the world to me to be understood like this. And I know you get it, you definitely know what I'm talking about here. Hugs to you.
Not any longer than most of us, Angel. I couldn't have seen this either in the midst of where I used to be. It's life-changing when we recognize this, the choice we have, the empowered choice we have! What a difference it makes to see this, to feel our own power in a way we couldn't see before. Run with this one; there's all kinds of places to go with it.
Yes I have always struggled should I stay or should I go n I'm still asking myself that question now coz it's been 1 month I've been in a new R-ship with him, I have a lot of things in common, he talks via txt everyday which I love n don't get bored with, i thought it's still early days yet
This guy said he will protect me even tho he is 3 years younger than me, sometimes he snaps at me or gets angry/annoyed at me for no reason n I've done nothing
Sometimes I feel like i wanna go everytime he cancels a date but then that would put him into misery n he would heartbroken. At the moment i plan on staying with him. I feel he's still interested in me n I don't wanna push him away. If he gets angry n he cancels coz of appointments then I would try n say let's catch up In the afternoon n then he says I'm pushy.
It took me 2 years to find a new guy n I thought if I let him go then I will have to wait for another on the way.
What makes me stay with him is caring, spending time with him & have a lot of things In common.
Remember to check in with yourself often, Courtney, and make sure he's what you're looking for still. You're the one doing the choosing. With him, and everyone else in your life. It has to work for you, too, not just him.
My Dear Jane, I have gleaned so much from all your articles, always seeing a bit of myself in so many. But this one, this one, my friend, hit the proverbial nail square on the head and drove it to the other side. That is exactly what I did for 4 years, making excuses for his slack because I loved him. That is, until, through your no nonsense, straight up advice, I empowered myself and cut the cord. It wasn't easy, but I was able to accomplish it by keeping my focus on...ME. You are one incredible human being and a gift to womankind. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart. Carry on with your God given gift. Wow.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words, Brenda. How you inspire me with your sensitive, open heart! I'm so glad this one resonated so richly with you, to meet you where you are right now. There is so much more to come for you when you can see things in a whole new light; the reality of what is, and just what you can do!
This is why support with strength in numbers comes in. Support groups, therapists, friends, hypnosis, NLP, EMDR, bonafide clinical rewiring techniques may be able to accelerate the healing. Breaking the cords of attachments is a mental, emotional, and even spiritual connection. Pray, meditate, kundalini yoga, Tibetan chanting, hand mudras, BodyTalk, Access Consciousness, family constellations .... whatever you have to do to break the bondage ... do it with intention and consistent action. Meditate on a new true love archetype that is loving, positive, and healthy for you to replace the one who is not.
This is not lip service. Its exactly what I had to do when someone who told me they loved me for months suddenly leaves the country for a promotion, I find out I'm pregnant, have miscarriage, and then they are telling me to find someone else. Took three months of doing this to break all the chains that led me to not realize how unhealthy and disrespectful this person was. What I needed to learn was that his behavior was a reflection of him and not me. Self-love. Never underestimate it.
Oh wow, Laura. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I can imagine your strength. I hope you see how strong you are and how much better you deserve for being this strong.
Hugs.
Beautifully said, Laura. Thank you. I'm so glad you were able to see that his behavior was a reflection of him and not you. But oh what you've been through to get to this place! My heart goes out to you and your sweet beautiful soul. I'm celebrating your clarity on the power of self-love - and your ability to now see this so clearly for yourself. We absolutely cannot travel down new paths without the support of others who understand, who care, who can walk with us in the new shoes that seem so strange at first on our familiar, programmed feet. If we do nothing else but find the ones who have this to give us, we will have done so much!
Hi Jane thanks again for a beautiful article, have I struggled in relationships, ? yes I would have to say my whole life
The pattern seems to be the same and I'm left wondering should I stay hang on and fight for it and wait or should I go,?
In a strange way I always end up walking away! The key word in your article is struggle and I do truly believe in my heart of hearts that true love should not be a struggle in this form Especially at thd beginning of a relationship
I've just learnt to save myself time and energy by walking away when the red flags start to appear and if it is truly meant to be for you're highest good then it will somehow always work out
Thanks again
Blessings Rosy
Exactly, Rosy; loving relationships are not about a struggle, they're about love. When it's truly meant to be, there will be no doubt because it will "somehow always work out" by both people in the relationship working it out together. No more one person doing all the work. It's how you'll know!
Hi. Please help. I’m having trouble letting go of my ex fiancé. We have been off and on for 3 years. He says things to make me feel I am still important. But, his actions are different. I back away from him , and then a week or two later he comes back . At that point, he is dating me and another girl. It break my heart that I am not enough for him. Why does he put me as the other woman at times ? I need to be away from him but, I don’t know why I want to chase someone who makes me secondary and does not respect me . I’m so heart broken
Because he's triggering something buried deep down inside you, Dawn. This isn't really about him as much as it's about you. Find out why and you'll have a choice, you'll have your power and no one - not even he! - will ever be able to take that away from you again!