You know that dream you have of happily ever after?
Well, I have some good news for you: There really is a happily ever after. It exists.
It’s just different from the book and movie versions we all grew up with.
The ones in the stories read aloud to us as children and the versions based on the same themes we later watched on television and in movie theaters as we grew older. Whatever the particular story, they all had the same ending we would come to expect and look forward to: the one that ended with the prince sweeping the damsel in distress off her feet and the final words, whether they were spoken or simply implied, "… and they lived happily ever after".
It wasn't until much later in life that I began to wonder, "How?"
Because after so many failed attempts at my own version of these same fairy tales that seemed so elusive to me, it became the question I so desperately wanted to know the answer to. "What happened next?"
But of course, that’s where the story always ended and we never heard what really happened after they got together. After the glow of the initial attraction was no longer the only thing each other saw, and the real story played out.
What then?
We're not told, and there's definitely a reason. It’s no accident that we're left guessing, wondering what happened next. Because the rest of the story doesn't sell many books or tickets or advertising spots. It's the part that's not nearly as exciting or enticing.
But it's the part we most need to see.
Why?
So we can see that's it's really not about the handsome prince who can have any woman he wants in the kingdom choosing the one who we'd be the least likely to pair him with.
So we can see that it's not about a single kiss, or a look, or an intensity of magic proportions between two strangers who have no idea if they're even on the same page, let alone if they have anything at all in common to make them compatible for a lifetime.
So we can once and for all remove this aspiration that so many of us find ourselves aspiring to, and feeling like there's something wrong with us if we can't make someone love us, if we can't prove ourselves to be enough to change his heart, if we can't be the one who makes him commit.
As if any of us ever has the power to change anyone if they don't first want to change themselves.
Reality.
It's the real version based in reality, not in fantasy, that we need to reprogram ourselves to expect. It's the version about two very real people who bring their own personalities and idiosyncrasies to this new relationship.
It's the part where real memories are made from real love, that requires two real people to show up. Two real people who both know what they want and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that work.
They communicate their needs, they talk about everything, including the messy, uncomfortable stuff of life. They don't necessarily agree about everything, but it doesn't matter because they're open to considering what the other has to say.
No one keeps score so it doesn't really matter. They actually talk about things that bother them and then work on what they can do to make things better.
The real thing, this real thing that we all want, isn't part of a fantasy. It's real.
But the part of the fantasy that we keep insisting on, that we can insert anyone – even someone who communicates with his actions that he has no interest in a committed relationship - into this type of scenario and it will work the same way, with the same ending, isn't real. It isn't real at all.
It doesn't work that way.
If he doesn't want what you want, you can't make him want it simply by being enough of what you think he wants – or needs.
If he isn't looking for the same level of commitment as you, no amount of showing him what he's missing or trying to be all that you think he wants you to be is going to change his mind for him.
Don't make this about what you're not. It's not about you.
It's about him.
Give him something to rise to. Raise the bar on your own standards of what you're willing to accept from a relationship that you want to be in.
But if it's not his thing, and he's not giving you anything concrete that shows you a man who's on the same page as you and looking for the same real life reality-based committed relationship as you, can you really be happy with him?
Look closer.
Closer than your own dreams and fairy-tale endings. Look at him. What is he showing you? What is he giving you? And what isn't he giving you?
If you want to keep holding onto beliefs that have pumpkins changing into coaches, and beasts that only need to be loved enough to have their hearts melted, turning them into the man of your dreams, then that's always your choice.
But give yourself the courtesy of not pretending you can live like that if you can't.
Because if what your beautiful heart desires is your own real version of happily ever after that isn't about love conquering all or you being enough for someone who there is no enough for, then don't settle for someone else's story programmed into your own life.
It's not you. And it's not real life.
It's a marketing campaign.
The real happily ever is playing out in the reality of real life. In the reality of a relationship of two imperfect people who are perfect for the one they're with. That’s the beauty of being with someone who really loves you and cares about you – the real you. It's why it's the real thing.
We don't get it while we’re stuck in all these complicated relationship scenarios we call love.
Just ask Cinderella.
I'll bet she'd tell you a whole different version of her story in the sequel to that book.
But that's one sequel you won't see playing on the big screen or on any best-seller list.
Sound familiar? I'm sure you've got your own story to tell about some part of this, and we'd love to hear it. Share it with us in the comments!
i love this topic:) thank you Ms.Jane
because of that fantasy i always looking for what is not really happen.
but now at my own little step i work so hard to accept my own reality the reality of what i deserve Thank you Jane because the truth is in my own journey your Blog helps me a lot i wish that one day i met you and i can personally hug and thank you...:)
Thank you for your kind words, Kristine. I'm so glad this is resonating with where you on your journey. It's those little steps that make such a difference in the long run. You're so very welcome! 🙂
Is Happy Ever After an adult's Santa Claus? We want to believe, until a life lesson in reality harshly reminds us otherwise?
Happy Holidays Wayne,
I would have to say that Happily Ever After is not an adult Santa Claus. Quite the opposite, as Jane makes clear, that it does exist, but not as is often portrayed to us by slick marketing messages (either delivered to us in a story or in a Hollywood movie).
The difference is that in order for it to occur, it takes two people are on the same page with respect to what they want out of a relationship AND how they view one another.
If they are on the same page, then yes, happily ever after can be a destination, but it is not the slick image sold to us in movies but instead drawn up against the backdrop of real life wherein each person is a living breathing person with their own flaws and imperfections, hence being human.
Hope life is well for you this holiday season.
Eric
Exactly, Eric!
The real happily ever after is a real one, Wayne, one that you create with someone who's on the same page as you, who's looking for the same level of commitment as you - with you! - who's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. The life lesson in reality is a good thing! It helps us see that we're so programmed to believe solely in the culturally created happily ever after that we almost missed the real thing.
@ Jennifer
This might be off topic, but from what I've learned from working with Jane is that the only way to get to the real "happily ever after" in a relationship, between two people who are on the same page on what they want out of a relationship to go AND on the same page on how they view each other, only through living each in, being in the present, can you ever get to that end state we desire to have. If you don't live each day in the moment with one another, you'll lose site and never enjoy life because you'll eventually end up at happily ever after once enough time has passed between the two of you.
Eric
Hi Eric,
I read your comment a hunch of times. I'm not sure I understand what you are saying.
One thing I see no matrer whoes blog I read, loving ourselves and staying true to ourselves is first and foremost. I myself am a very compassionate loving caring and loyal person. I fall in love easy. That being said, I know sometimes the person I am towards the people I love and care about clouds my needs. But ultimately, knowing that the people I love and care about ( my kids and partner) are happy and healthy and choose me in their lives, makes me happy. I m happy to please people.
Jennifer,
I need to proofread better. But your last sentence is what I was alluding too. You have to live each day, to its fullest, one day at a time, with your partner, and in doing so, you will reach happily ever after with a real person, not a sham sold to you by slick marketing.
Eric
I heard a song on the radio the other day , a rock ballad from the 80's. It reminded me of a time during my marriage in the 90's of longing for what they were singing about. I was already married with children, stayed married almost 24 years. I dont long for fairy tails or love songs anymore. I pay attention to me and my needs and what makes me happy.
I'm currently in a relationship with a man who makes me smile and laugh whenever we are together. Its going on 2 months now. The pace has slowed down and he really opened up to me about some health issues he is facing. Hes had issues in the past that ended his marriage and destroyed a relationship between brothers. He admitted he was at his lowest point and two of the most important people left him .
I want to be supportive and told him so. He has accepted that.
I also have some serious family issues going on that has been occupying my time.
We talked again about what we want and we both are looking for a committed relationship. Hes not completely aware of my situation but he has asked. He just holds me when I go silent. I feel he just accepts me completely. No longer am I constantly wondering what hes thinking. Becaue , really its about how he makes me feel. Actions speak louder than words. Words are easy, had them many times from other men I've dated.
For now, I am choosing to just enjoy our time together and be supportive.
Happily ever after is the end of a story and mine is just beginning. So i aim for happy today and every day. There is no crystal ball, aand besides, I would rather LIVE every day than constantly wonder if this is my "Happily ever after".
"Happily ever after is the end of a story and mine is just beginning. So i aim for happy today and every day. There is no crystal ball, and besides, I would rather LIVE every day than constantly wonder if this is my "Happily ever after"." - You've expressed this beautifully, Jennifer. Thank you!
I just let a man go that didn't want the same things as me. I decided it's gonna have to hurt and I'm gonna have to cry and let go of some things I Iove to get to the other side. Standing at a crossroads and going on with the rest of my life... This is a beautiful Carrie Underwood song and I must have listened to it a 100 times and that is exactly what I told him and he looked at me and said he understands and walked right out of my life. I'm doing just what the song says I'm hurting and I'm crying but I know it was right and I was at a crossroads but I see blue sky's ahead ... this is a song every woman that's at this crossroads with a man should listen to.... the words are powerful!
Love that song, Lisa. Thank you for sharing this. It hurts because it's not the outcome you wanted, but it would only hurt more in the long run to be with someone who can't give you what you want, who doesn't want the same things as you. Trust yourself; you knew you did what you have to.
This is my story: meet a nice man with 3 kids, I wanted so desperately to live happily ever after with him. He told me one day to "get a life", I was screaming on the inside "you are my life", he dumped me. I took me awhile to accept the situation. But then I got a LIFE of my own I volunteer, hang out with friends, and take trips things I love to do. I have met some fabulous people on this journey of getting my life. I have met someone that seems to love me...time will tell....He is a protector, good provider and let's everyone know I am his girl. The nice man still calls and if I would give him the time a day would be back to his old tricks with me. But I am so glad I have a LIFE and donot need him or his!! I will preach this until I die...Pay attention to what is going on and what people say. They tell you who they are and what they want!! STOP pretending to be someone else, be who you are and if they do not like that then..MOVE ON!! My mother use to say all the time, if you miss one bus, baby wait another one is on its way!! PAY ATTENTION!!
Thanks for sharing, RealDavis. Beautiful words of wisdom you've learned the hard way! Time will always tell - and as you say, it doesn't matter like it used to because now you've discovered the most important part of all - your own life!
Hi RealDavis. Boy the following resonated in my mind - "My mother use to say all the time, if you miss one bus, baby wait another one is on its way!! PAY ATTENTION!" Mothers and people like Jane who have experienced the things we have been through have the ultimate wisdom. I will never forget what your mom said. THANK YOU. You matter. I've learned, and I'll say it again. (Learned from Jane) If you both are not on the same page, it won't work. Move on with your beatiful life (as you mom said). You can do it, in your time. You are made of love, and that special someone will show up when you are loving you! You take care of yourself.
Exactly, Denise!
Jane - This was a great article. It rings so true. After finding your website many months ago, each article you write resonates in my mind and truly has helped me tremendously. So much for the fairy tale - I understand that now. Yet, as this article reveals, how finding one another, being on the same page, faults and all, acceptance and hard work. I've learned much. It's funny, finding a long life partner has not been my total aim at this point. Just being happy where I am and finding what I love is. The more I do this, the more I attract someone, funny - don't you think. I am at the point, do I really want a relationship or not. I guess time will tell. Thank you for all you do.
So glad this resonated with you, Denise. Thank you. "The more I do this, the more I attract someone, funny - don't you think." - I'm not surprised at all! 🙂
Thank you Jane. Thank you!
Its hard to know if someone really loves you if you haven't observed and/or experienced what that is. I'm a firm believer is seeking out examples of people who do have this so you have a standard. It comes down to this often: If its love it should heal, not hurt.
Exactly, Jackie!
I agree! Love is not suppose to hurt - it's suppose to feel nice, trusting and caring.
Thank you, Jane for writing about this. I think it is interesting that even though everyone claims to know that these stories aren't reality, in the back of their minds they're still subconsciously pining for a version of that. It's all we know. I have been having these conversations with friends and they keep insisting on the chemistry thing. They refuse to see where chemistry has gotten them in the past. They have no intention of seeing things clearly and trying something new. Chemistry is key to them. I find it so frustrating. Sometimes I think that maybe me trying to choose something else might be tricky since everyone is looking for chemistry. I have decided to stay away from the whole chemistry thing. I think I have had enough of the drama. I admit that sometimes I am afraid of ending up alone because of it. But I just don't see any other way than just forget about the cute guy that makes me feel so insecure. This road seems so long, lonely and difficult... But then again it doesn't seem too different from the one I've been down. At least in this one I may not be feeling like a failure when the guy doesn't like me.
That's just how ingrained it is, Angel! I can understand how frustrating it is when you feel like the only one who gets this, but try not to take on what isn't yours. If this is how your friends see it, they've got a lot of company supporting them. And this is why we're all on our own journey, with our own experiences that bring us to see things we could never, ever see without them. As friends, we want to show them what we've learned to help them see what we can't imagine not seeing now. All you can do is know what you know to be true for you and live your life in a way that you can live with, that makes sense to you.
Look above the road that seems so long, lonely and difficult to the beautiful scenery all around you along the way. You're in a beautiful place in the world, enjoy it, taste it, smell it, see it, experience it in your own way as a gift to you each day. That's how it gets a little easier. Rising above what you've known that has only brought you heartache to see all the love and support available to you in the least expected places each day. Find those things - the people, the places - that resonate with you and leave the rest for as long as you can. You're never a failure if someone doesn't like you - no matter who he is or what pedestal you put him on. Just like you have your own preferences and don't find yourself liking everyone enough to want to be with them, so it is with others too!
Hello Angel, I agree with you and wanted you to know that you are not alone in this journey. As long as it feels right for you, that's what matters the most.
Thank you, Lernik and Jane, for your words.
It's nice to know that I am not alone. I think it's me trying to convince myself of things and trying to see or figure out how it will actually be and that puts pressure on me because of course, I do not know yet. I'm trying to just stay the course and relax a bit. Some days I just forget that I need to breathe and just be. It's hard to do when I'm a cronic worrier. But I'm willing to keep breathing and keep walking forward.
Thank you for walking with me.
Dear Angel, you described it very well.
for sure.
Hi Angel. " I'm willing to keep breathing and keep walking forward." That's a GREAT START.... We each have our own journey, as Jane has stated. I'm doing it too Angel. i keep breathing and keep walking forward. You will find peace soon. It will happen. You matter!
Thank you, Denise for your kind words of encouragement. I definitely feel peace when I just stop thinking, breathe and just surrender.
Stop thinking, breathe, and surrender.
I will remember this.
Thank you Angel.
You are welcome Angel. Thank for for Jane's site and insight about things. She is heaven sent. For me it's working. I hope it she is helpping you as many here give support also. Make the most of the holiday. I, like you, will be alone. I will make the most of the holiday. A nice dinner, maybe movie, maybe visit a friend, volunteer to give gifts to children. Why not. I mean that is for me, I'm not saying for you or anyone else. We each have our way of coping. I just hope you make the best of it, as I hope everyone on here does. Jane has definitely guided me with her support, but we must do the work. Hugs to you.
I should have proofed my sentences, sorry!
i'm going out with this new guy who's 22 and he's 4 years younger than me, he's showing me respect & honesty & is giving me a reasonable answer when i want it and i like men giving me a specific answers but i don't like the 1s who say 1 line like i can't go n they give no specific reason why they can't go.
in person he's very romantic n friendly n protected of me and he told me yesterday he hates it when it comes to saying goodbye. but when saying goodbyes he makes me feel like a princess where the prince gives her a hug n a kiss goodbye n txts her "i'm missing you already"
You deserve nothing less than respect and honesty, Courtney. I'm so glad you're experiencing this for yourself with this new guy! Take it slow and you'll find out just how real it is. It's over time, by not rushing ahead and assuming he's on the same page as you before he shows this consistently to you, that you'll find out what's really there.